1. Thunder Slash and the Ozone Perps
2. Air Wuss
3. Locker Boy and the Fabs
4. The Non Threatening Hairless Chests
5. Wang Fat Ho
6. Sitting in a Puddle
7. My Mind is a Muddle
8. My Wholey Wetness
9. Life Sucks in Teen World
10. Little Wussy and the Wang Dang Doodles
11. Wussy Patrol
12. Bend Over and Light My Fire
13. Air Jell and the Band of Wussyettes
14. My Crew Do
15. The Mudness of It All
16. Are We There Yet?
17. This Sucks I Wanna Go Home
18. I'm Hungry...for You!
19. I'm Gonna Tell Mom
20. Little Becky and Her Mommy Belly
"Teen Masturbation" Wall Posters of your favorite non-threatening hairless chested teen boy Rockstars available from CMS, Inc.,("Conglomerated Music Shit"), and Barf Records, both located in New Puke City, New Puke, or Lost Asselles, in Newbarfonia for 21.95 each. Shipping and "handling" is free! Stone washed or pre- stained extra.
CMS is an Unholy owned subsidiary of Universal Radio Stream, which is a totally owned assfilliate of Universal Radio International Network Atmosphere Languages, other wise known as "U.R.I.N.A.L.", which is completely and Satanic-ly owned by Universal Radio International Network Earth, or, "U.R.I.N.E.-One".
The President of URINE-One is Freddy Barfman, whose personal motto is, "My Word is Not my Honor". Rhoda Picklesteam is the Head of the Magical Accounting Department, the Financial Cook Books Section, and the Tax Evasion Division. "Legal work" is performed by Barfsteam, Bezzler, and Fockhimreemler.
URINE-One proudly stands behind it's work! With the precise handling possible by "Digital" Aiming, our Data Stream is always Crystal Clear in your eyes, and never Cloudy!
And by using "Positive Interlock Satellite Systems", or, "P.I.S.S.", we will be sure to get our URINE-One P.I.S.S. Data Stream directly into your Home, and to your Family!
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Songwriter Lyrics: "Poimlets from Heaven"
1. "The song lyrics were so vague and nebulous, I knew immediately what they meant!" -Jan
2. "I had no idea what the words were trying to say, so that convinced me how intuitively precise they were!" -Bill, or Steve, either one...
3. "The lyrics were so powerfully awesome in their awesomeness, that it couldn't possibly have been any less awesome!" -Wendy
4. "I found true meaning in the trueness of their truth! It couldn't of been any more truer than it already was, to me!" -Shamwocka
5. "Song lyrics are so incredible, you can become really lost in their incredibleness!" -Skye
6. "The brilliousity of the rhyming is the thing of it, you know whut I'm sayin'? Don't you agree? Can't you see? Are you with me? Whut, do I look like a tree? I ain't no Bumble bee! I have a Bentley! Set me free! You creepy dee! Can I a Rapper be? Oh shit, I gotta go Pee! Freaky Z!" -BK Wrapper
7. "Rhyming ability is truly a Gift from God, and shows Geniousnicity of the highest Mental disorder! Like, sorta like, that Einstein Guy! You know whut I'm sayin'?" -Pie Nellas
8. "Gosh! Song lyrics, and rappiters, are just like Renaissance "Poimlets"! Just like that English Shake-Spear-Mint gum guy! With different flavors, like grape, cherry, and minty stuff!" -Weazzel
9. "Poimetry and poimlets are Litterature at the Tops Level! If you knows this stuff, you are a very litter-ated poyson! Yo talent be finelated and x-squish-it!" -Bo Nanna
10. "If you gotta axe me whut it means, I can't x-plain it! Am I clearible?" -Bo Jango
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved. You no whut I'm sayin'? Don't make me x-plainitate it four yu!!
2. "I had no idea what the words were trying to say, so that convinced me how intuitively precise they were!" -Bill, or Steve, either one...
3. "The lyrics were so powerfully awesome in their awesomeness, that it couldn't possibly have been any less awesome!" -Wendy
4. "I found true meaning in the trueness of their truth! It couldn't of been any more truer than it already was, to me!" -Shamwocka
5. "Song lyrics are so incredible, you can become really lost in their incredibleness!" -Skye
6. "The brilliousity of the rhyming is the thing of it, you know whut I'm sayin'? Don't you agree? Can't you see? Are you with me? Whut, do I look like a tree? I ain't no Bumble bee! I have a Bentley! Set me free! You creepy dee! Can I a Rapper be? Oh shit, I gotta go Pee! Freaky Z!" -BK Wrapper
7. "Rhyming ability is truly a Gift from God, and shows Geniousnicity of the highest Mental disorder! Like, sorta like, that Einstein Guy! You know whut I'm sayin'?" -Pie Nellas
8. "Gosh! Song lyrics, and rappiters, are just like Renaissance "Poimlets"! Just like that English Shake-Spear-Mint gum guy! With different flavors, like grape, cherry, and minty stuff!" -Weazzel
9. "Poimetry and poimlets are Litterature at the Tops Level! If you knows this stuff, you are a very litter-ated poyson! Yo talent be finelated and x-squish-it!" -Bo Nanna
10. "If you gotta axe me whut it means, I can't x-plain it! Am I clearible?" -Bo Jango
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved. You no whut I'm sayin'? Don't make me x-plainitate it four yu!!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Top 62 Middle Age Rock Band Names. For Rock Bands Age 50 and Over.
1. Al Zeimer and the Forgotten
2. Dementia
3. Shaky and the Parkinson Brothers
4. Flossy and the Dentures (1955 to 1965)
5. Denture Cream (psychedelic blues, 1967 to 1969)
6. Tethered to the Bed (very hip, very 2000ish, slightly Goth and a touch S&M)
7. The Power Scooters
8. Grateful Dead (real band)
9. Don Diaper and the Incontinents
10. Bedpan Turn Her Over Drive (Bachman Turner Overdrive...you idiot!)
11. Tom Ready and the Heart Attacks
12. Jack Cataract and the Blind Poets of the Beat Generation
13. The Liver Spots (cousins to the Ink Spots)
14. Jethro Skull (his Aqua-Lung finally stopped working)
15. Ping Pong Wizard and the Deaf, Dumb, and Blind Boys (Who??)
16. Creamatorium and Wheels of Fire
17. The Jesus Hendrix Last Experience
18. CSNY (Christ, Solomon, Nostredomus, and Yahweh)
19. AC-DC and the Defibrillators
20. Ear Aid and the Deaf Tones
21. Oh Dem Brittle Bones (Gospel)
22. Slipped Disc (heavy metal)
23. Rock Hard and the Constipators
24. The Electric Enema Energy Band
25. "Oats" Bran and the Bowel Mountain Boys (Blue grass, jug band)
26. Judy Prune and the Stool Softeners (accoustic folky stuff)
27. The Rolling Tombstones
28. The Electric White Light Orchestra
29. U80 with No Bone (Irish band)
30. Fleetwood Cadillac Hearse and the Big Mac Attack, with Stevie Sick
31. Huey Lose and the Bad News
32. Page Last and the Obituaries
33. The Commode Dears (80s r&b band)
34. Zipperhead and the Body Bags
35. Boy Grim and the Coffin Club (think England, the 80s, George, and a great makeup job)
36. Walker Cane and Steady as She Goes
37. Electric Wheelchair
38. The Van Ramps (a handicapped band)
39. Sippy Cup and the Spoon Feeders
40. The Pureed Beats
41. Hoser and the Support Socks (Canadian band)
42. Bought the Farm (country)
43. Bucket Kickers (country)
44. Stair Way to Heaven singing their big hit "Burning Down the Hindenburg", with the flip side, "Oh, the Humanity!"
45. Escalator to Heaven(kinda like when Jefferson Airplane became Jefferson Starship)
46. The Unexpected Demise
47. Morphine Drip and the Flatliners
48. Death Mask and the Last Gasp (metal)
49. Every Last Breath You Take (Ouch! That "Stings"!)
50. Bedside Confession (too hip for words)
51. Last Words, Last Wishes, last Kisses (nursing home girl group with breakup songs)
52. Ambulance Chasers
53. Chesty Paddle and the Electric Shockers
54. ER and the EMTs
55. Life Support
56. The Tubes
57. I.V. and the Floral Arrangement (Ivy...flowers...get it?)
58. The Blinding White Light at the End of the Tunnel
59. The 80 Degrees (singing their big hit, "Hot Time in the Old Room Tonite!")
60. Store Bought Teeth (very hip)
61. Confusion
62. And the Top Prize goes to DJ Girl Farber at 88.5 FM, Tampa, Florida, for "The Raging Catheters", the band name that inpired this piece. Love you sweety, Big Kiss, smoochee-woochee!
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
2. Dementia
3. Shaky and the Parkinson Brothers
4. Flossy and the Dentures (1955 to 1965)
5. Denture Cream (psychedelic blues, 1967 to 1969)
6. Tethered to the Bed (very hip, very 2000ish, slightly Goth and a touch S&M)
7. The Power Scooters
8. Grateful Dead (real band)
9. Don Diaper and the Incontinents
10. Bedpan Turn Her Over Drive (Bachman Turner Overdrive...you idiot!)
11. Tom Ready and the Heart Attacks
12. Jack Cataract and the Blind Poets of the Beat Generation
13. The Liver Spots (cousins to the Ink Spots)
14. Jethro Skull (his Aqua-Lung finally stopped working)
15. Ping Pong Wizard and the Deaf, Dumb, and Blind Boys (Who??)
16. Creamatorium and Wheels of Fire
17. The Jesus Hendrix Last Experience
18. CSNY (Christ, Solomon, Nostredomus, and Yahweh)
19. AC-DC and the Defibrillators
20. Ear Aid and the Deaf Tones
21. Oh Dem Brittle Bones (Gospel)
22. Slipped Disc (heavy metal)
23. Rock Hard and the Constipators
24. The Electric Enema Energy Band
25. "Oats" Bran and the Bowel Mountain Boys (Blue grass, jug band)
26. Judy Prune and the Stool Softeners (accoustic folky stuff)
27. The Rolling Tombstones
28. The Electric White Light Orchestra
29. U80 with No Bone (Irish band)
30. Fleetwood Cadillac Hearse and the Big Mac Attack, with Stevie Sick
31. Huey Lose and the Bad News
32. Page Last and the Obituaries
33. The Commode Dears (80s r&b band)
34. Zipperhead and the Body Bags
35. Boy Grim and the Coffin Club (think England, the 80s, George, and a great makeup job)
36. Walker Cane and Steady as She Goes
37. Electric Wheelchair
38. The Van Ramps (a handicapped band)
39. Sippy Cup and the Spoon Feeders
40. The Pureed Beats
41. Hoser and the Support Socks (Canadian band)
42. Bought the Farm (country)
43. Bucket Kickers (country)
44. Stair Way to Heaven singing their big hit "Burning Down the Hindenburg", with the flip side, "Oh, the Humanity!"
45. Escalator to Heaven(kinda like when Jefferson Airplane became Jefferson Starship)
46. The Unexpected Demise
47. Morphine Drip and the Flatliners
48. Death Mask and the Last Gasp (metal)
49. Every Last Breath You Take (Ouch! That "Stings"!)
50. Bedside Confession (too hip for words)
51. Last Words, Last Wishes, last Kisses (nursing home girl group with breakup songs)
52. Ambulance Chasers
53. Chesty Paddle and the Electric Shockers
54. ER and the EMTs
55. Life Support
56. The Tubes
57. I.V. and the Floral Arrangement (Ivy...flowers...get it?)
58. The Blinding White Light at the End of the Tunnel
59. The 80 Degrees (singing their big hit, "Hot Time in the Old Room Tonite!")
60. Store Bought Teeth (very hip)
61. Confusion
62. And the Top Prize goes to DJ Girl Farber at 88.5 FM, Tampa, Florida, for "The Raging Catheters", the band name that inpired this piece. Love you sweety, Big Kiss, smoochee-woochee!
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Economic Meltdown: Republican Hypocriticism 101. Pulling a "Hoover" on the Nation.
Republicans are like a bunch of college fraternity brothers, who hold a wild party, burn down the Frat House, and then complain about the big bill from the insurance company to rebuild the House.
Something like "burdening the future frat brothers with draconian and unneccessary Debt. The Unfairness of it all! We shouldn't have to spend a dime to rebuild the Frat House! That would be Imprudent, and Rash Economic Behavior!!"
The Republicans, ya gotta love 'em, becuz their Mother and Father sure didn't! It's the only thing that can explain their anal, greedy Selfishness, and Uncaring for others. They're trying to Hang On to every last "Dollar of Love" they can.
And of course, without real love to nourish their shriveled, starving Hearts, yep, you guessed it, the DEVIL got ahold of 'em. Too late for most of them, they're now solidly on the Dark, Demonic Side..."Earth to Deathstar! Your Evil Republican Empire Storm Troopers are awaiting your Orders, Lord Vader!"
In dealing with Republicans, I've decided to "Hate the Sin, but Love the Sinner". Perhaps someday, with Help from Jesus and the Church, they will "Choose" a more Moral and Honest Lifestyle...although it might be Biological, and they can't Choose!
I mean, if Republicans are allowed to Love the Dollar over People, what's next, Republicans marrying Money??
Now that would be just plain Wrong! That would be a "Sinful and Immoral Lifestyle Choice"!
Good Lord! Adam married Eve, not the Dollar!
P.S. President Hoover held on to every last dollar, and Cut spending during the Great Depression of the Thirties, in his theory to cure it...and instead the lower government spending only made the Great Depression even worse!!! Those Republicans sure love to hang on to money.
Something like "burdening the future frat brothers with draconian and unneccessary Debt. The Unfairness of it all! We shouldn't have to spend a dime to rebuild the Frat House! That would be Imprudent, and Rash Economic Behavior!!"
The Republicans, ya gotta love 'em, becuz their Mother and Father sure didn't! It's the only thing that can explain their anal, greedy Selfishness, and Uncaring for others. They're trying to Hang On to every last "Dollar of Love" they can.
And of course, without real love to nourish their shriveled, starving Hearts, yep, you guessed it, the DEVIL got ahold of 'em. Too late for most of them, they're now solidly on the Dark, Demonic Side..."Earth to Deathstar! Your Evil Republican Empire Storm Troopers are awaiting your Orders, Lord Vader!"
In dealing with Republicans, I've decided to "Hate the Sin, but Love the Sinner". Perhaps someday, with Help from Jesus and the Church, they will "Choose" a more Moral and Honest Lifestyle...although it might be Biological, and they can't Choose!
I mean, if Republicans are allowed to Love the Dollar over People, what's next, Republicans marrying Money??
Now that would be just plain Wrong! That would be a "Sinful and Immoral Lifestyle Choice"!
Good Lord! Adam married Eve, not the Dollar!
P.S. President Hoover held on to every last dollar, and Cut spending during the Great Depression of the Thirties, in his theory to cure it...and instead the lower government spending only made the Great Depression even worse!!! Those Republicans sure love to hang on to money.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Republicans: The Whores of the Nation's Economy. The Cost of a Quick Buck, or, More Precisely, a "Quick Fuck".
The Republicans have been complaining about President Obama's plan to jumpstart the Economy, calling it a typical liberal "tax and spend" plan, with socialist overtones.
The Republicans are like a busy, skanky Whore, who after fucking and sucking the Nation dry, and giving it a Bad Case of Social Diseases--Gonnorhea, Syphilis, Venereal Warts, Home Foreclosures, Bank Failures, Credit Drought, Unemployment--now complains about the High Cost of the Prescription to cure the Economically Transmitted Diseases (or, "ETD's").
Out, you Republican Harlot! Out, you damn spot! Get thee to a Nunnery!
See how you like it now, without any stinking Economic Health Care! Let this Plague Rot both your Houses and Senate!
Will a Tax Cut for the Wealthy, cure the open sore and draining pus of this Economic Pox? Only the Republicans seem to know!
And I thought "Un-regulated Capitalism" was Safe!! Forsooth, it twas Hormonally Raging, Unregulated Capitalist Sexonomics, yessir my brothers, plain old "Unsafe Pure Hedonistic Capitalism" that caused this throbbing economy to meltdown on your creamy thighs, and splatter its evil fluids all over your surprised face ! Right here in River City! And that's Trouble, spelled with a capital "T"!
Who knew! What if we put all our Cash and Stocks in a Condom Safe, would that be Safe? Oh,no, Republicans are against condoms too!
If we all Pray to Jesus, would that cure Greedy Republican selfishness??
Why do we need to JumpStart the Economy anyway?? Aren't the rich doing Okay? Why defibrillate the economy's Heart Attack, if the Rich are alright?
I just don't Understand Why the Democrats have to Jumpstart the economy!
Should we ask the Republicans? They know alot about Economic theory, don't they??
They would know how to cure this Economic Disease, wouldn't they?
I mean, wouldn't the Whore know how she got Sick?
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
The Republicans are like a busy, skanky Whore, who after fucking and sucking the Nation dry, and giving it a Bad Case of Social Diseases--Gonnorhea, Syphilis, Venereal Warts, Home Foreclosures, Bank Failures, Credit Drought, Unemployment--now complains about the High Cost of the Prescription to cure the Economically Transmitted Diseases (or, "ETD's").
Out, you Republican Harlot! Out, you damn spot! Get thee to a Nunnery!
See how you like it now, without any stinking Economic Health Care! Let this Plague Rot both your Houses and Senate!
Will a Tax Cut for the Wealthy, cure the open sore and draining pus of this Economic Pox? Only the Republicans seem to know!
And I thought "Un-regulated Capitalism" was Safe!! Forsooth, it twas Hormonally Raging, Unregulated Capitalist Sexonomics, yessir my brothers, plain old "Unsafe Pure Hedonistic Capitalism" that caused this throbbing economy to meltdown on your creamy thighs, and splatter its evil fluids all over your surprised face ! Right here in River City! And that's Trouble, spelled with a capital "T"!
Who knew! What if we put all our Cash and Stocks in a Condom Safe, would that be Safe? Oh,no, Republicans are against condoms too!
If we all Pray to Jesus, would that cure Greedy Republican selfishness??
Why do we need to JumpStart the Economy anyway?? Aren't the rich doing Okay? Why defibrillate the economy's Heart Attack, if the Rich are alright?
I just don't Understand Why the Democrats have to Jumpstart the economy!
Should we ask the Republicans? They know alot about Economic theory, don't they??
They would know how to cure this Economic Disease, wouldn't they?
I mean, wouldn't the Whore know how she got Sick?
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Hard Times Survey: Test Yourself to See If You Are a Republican or a Democrat!
Test Questions:
1.) Which one are you more worried about?
A. Gay people sneaking up behind you, and humping your ass.
B. The entire financial system of the United States collapsing.
C. Not sure
D. Can I think about it?
2.) Which one are you more worried about?
A. Losing your job, your home, and your retirement savings, during a recession.
B. A Gay guy with a dick in his mouth.
C. Not sure
D. Can I think about it?
3.) Which one are you more worried about?
A. Having to work at Wal-Mart the rest of your life because your job was shipped overseas.
B. Thinking about a manly looking Lesbian licking another lesbians boo-boo.
C. Not sure.
D. Can I think about it?
4.) Which one are you more worried about?
A. Losing your job, losing your identity as a "skilled professional" and "good provider", losing your confidence and self-worth as a human being, and having to sell your house, and move into a crappy apartment, where you can hear the guy above you pissing, snoring, and farting.
B. Getting the shivers over the idea of a gay guy's weeny, inside another guy's butt.
C. Not sure.
D. Can I think about it?
Now Total Your Score!
Any "not sure" or "think about it" answers means you are a shallow Republican robot, or you might be gay, and you should seek help immediately from Jesus, your Eternal Savior, or you will burst into flames for thinking such disgusting Republican thoughts! (Gotcha!)
And when people lose their jobs, homes, and health care, and are hungry and cold, just say "When god closes one door, he always opens another!" Or, "God has a Plan for you, and it's not good!"
Or say, "God never gives you more than you can bear, so be glad it's not worse!" Or "Look on the bright side, you still have Jesus!"
Or, "Thank God your not Gay, or Republican!"
Or, just say, "I'm not sure. Can I think about it?"
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
1.) Which one are you more worried about?
A. Gay people sneaking up behind you, and humping your ass.
B. The entire financial system of the United States collapsing.
C. Not sure
D. Can I think about it?
2.) Which one are you more worried about?
A. Losing your job, your home, and your retirement savings, during a recession.
B. A Gay guy with a dick in his mouth.
C. Not sure
D. Can I think about it?
3.) Which one are you more worried about?
A. Having to work at Wal-Mart the rest of your life because your job was shipped overseas.
B. Thinking about a manly looking Lesbian licking another lesbians boo-boo.
C. Not sure.
D. Can I think about it?
4.) Which one are you more worried about?
A. Losing your job, losing your identity as a "skilled professional" and "good provider", losing your confidence and self-worth as a human being, and having to sell your house, and move into a crappy apartment, where you can hear the guy above you pissing, snoring, and farting.
B. Getting the shivers over the idea of a gay guy's weeny, inside another guy's butt.
C. Not sure.
D. Can I think about it?
Now Total Your Score!
Any "not sure" or "think about it" answers means you are a shallow Republican robot, or you might be gay, and you should seek help immediately from Jesus, your Eternal Savior, or you will burst into flames for thinking such disgusting Republican thoughts! (Gotcha!)
And when people lose their jobs, homes, and health care, and are hungry and cold, just say "When god closes one door, he always opens another!" Or, "God has a Plan for you, and it's not good!"
Or say, "God never gives you more than you can bear, so be glad it's not worse!" Or "Look on the bright side, you still have Jesus!"
Or, "Thank God your not Gay, or Republican!"
Or, just say, "I'm not sure. Can I think about it?"
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
New Years Wish: The United Fates of Merca. Welcome President Kcarab Amabo!
TV Newsreporter to Little Girl in Ghetto: "What do you think of our new President?"
Little Girl in Ghetto: "I like him. He's going to Make Everything Perfect."
Fade Out, on the "Repubicans", as they leave the Stage...
Fade in, on painful Reality,
and the Mess the "Repubican" philosophy has made...
Hold Frame, as the Struggle Unfolds, to Fix the Destruction,
the Repubicans left on our Country, and our Age...
Do not Hail the Failed "Repubican" Philosophy!
Get ready, fix the pain, turn a new Page,
Open your Heart, your eyes, and your Mind,
Feel the People's Rage, and Begin a New Day!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
The Bottom rail is on top this time!
Shoe on the other foot now!
Today the Little People take back the Nation, from the Corporate Masters, of the Plantation!
Copyright 2008 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved, including the right to See the Unfairness, and Corruption, of the Rich. Yes, it is Class War. It always has been, and it always will.
Little Girl in Ghetto: "I like him. He's going to Make Everything Perfect."
Fade Out, on the "Repubicans", as they leave the Stage...
Fade in, on painful Reality,
and the Mess the "Repubican" philosophy has made...
Hold Frame, as the Struggle Unfolds, to Fix the Destruction,
the Repubicans left on our Country, and our Age...
Do not Hail the Failed "Repubican" Philosophy!
Get ready, fix the pain, turn a new Page,
Open your Heart, your eyes, and your Mind,
Feel the People's Rage, and Begin a New Day!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
The Bottom rail is on top this time!
Shoe on the other foot now!
Today the Little People take back the Nation, from the Corporate Masters, of the Plantation!
Copyright 2008 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved, including the right to See the Unfairness, and Corruption, of the Rich. Yes, it is Class War. It always has been, and it always will.
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