Santa Monica, CA-- The California Surfers Association, and the Surfco Boogie Boarders of America, announced today they would "fully oppose" President Obama's ban on "waterboarding".
"This is a radical bummer on the right of California dudes, and all other dudes and dudettes, to freely surf the coastlines of America!", said CSA prez Skip Waverly.
"We have a strict Constitutional Right to hang it all out, to Probe the Inner Pipeline, and wax our waterboards in hope of a better wave!" Any restrictions on our right to waterboard is...just...well...Torture!"
CSA is hosting a Protest Demonstration on Thursday, depending on whether or not the waves are right. At the event, an "Obama Undude", in a black rubber wet suit, complete with swim fins, goggles, and a very large "black snorkel" (wink-wink), will be ceremoniously sacrificed to a Large Mechanical Shark.
CSA decided to go "full boogie" with the Shark Attack because the Spielberg Prop Department had "such a deal" rental rate on their Jaws Two model, they just couldn't pass it up. But the Mayor of New York said it would "spook" the tourists into thinking there was a Terrorist Shark Attack on the USA, and couldn't they just use a Photoshop Shark instead, or use a small plane to tow a Shark Banner over the beach?
Skip Waverly said that they had tried the tow plane idea a week before, but the winds from the California Brush Fires had been so strong the tiny plane had been unable to reach the beach, even with its engine at full power, and had simply hung in the air over the airport like a large kite witha very long streamer, and causing lots of commotion in the airport tower, and tying up air traffic for an hour.
The pilot, Biff Johnson, was exhausted by the whole ordeal, and vowed never to fly near a beach again.
The California Surfers Association was then fined for "flying a kite" in Restricted Homeland Security Airspace, which almost wiped out their entire Annual Beach Party Fund. Skip said that most of this years Surf Parties would be limited to roasting sticky marshmellows over a can of surfboard wax, with a wick stuck in it, in a kind of homemade Sterno can, or "IHD" (Improvised Heating Device). Skip's only official comment was, "This is definitely a bigtime bummer,dude, worse than a busted board!"
Pilot Johnson was last seen at the end of the runway, on all fours, and howling like an angry Coyote, as planes took off just over his head. Passengers looking down on him were amused, as Biff had taken off all his clothes, so unhinged was he by his Failed Flight Attempt, and realizing he would now eclipse "Wrong Way Corrigan", who back in the day took off for Paris from New York and flew towards California instead, and now Biff would be known forever in aviation circles as "The Kite Pilot", or just, "The Hangster".
Airport officials finally put a stop to the scene when Biff started pawing the ground, barking at anyone who approached, and lifting his left leg to mark his territory.
He was taken away in an Animal Control Truck, after being noosed around the neck with a long pole, by a dog catcher who also specialized in alligator wrangling. The wrangler said he didn't mind catching people or dogs or gators, "because you never really knew which ones were really tame or not".
He added that "from an Evolutionary point of view [*this was a very educated dogcather] there wasn't much difference between animal and human behavior, although right wing Christians would disagree, and were willing to kill you to prove it. The Christian's Saving Grace was they said they really loved you before they proceeded to kill you, which in a way was a sort of "Love you to Death" Philosophy".
Biff was taken to a Hollywood Actors Detox Intake Center (now nationally franchised and very profitable--see symbol HADTIC on the NY Stock Exchange), on the theory that his breakdown was caused by his many years exposure to pesticides as a Crop Duster pilot, where he would receive the latest in high-tech toxic Enema Flushes.
But the detox "doctors", Skye and Veronica, said his prognosis wasn't good because he had also eaten large numbers of Tuna Fish sandwiches throughout his life, which contain Mercury, a Nervous System Poison, which can't be flushed from the body, and is also a known cause of both barking in humans, and Nervous Breakdowns.
CSA prez Skip Waverly said that if the surfing community is going to successfully reverse the waterboarding ban, surfers are "going to have to get Totally and Awesomely Tubular, like the Liberty Bells, if we are going to stop this gnarly bummer on our right to ride our waterboards! Surfing is an American Blessing, Not Torture!!
When asked why the delay in putting on the demonstration since the Waterboarding Ban is already in effect, Skip Waverly said that the paperwork for the protest permit had unfortunately "gotten lost under his coffee table Bong", and that there's not much you can do about "tragedies like that!"
T-shirts will also be sold at the Event, showing a surfboard with a large shark bite, and the slogans, "Banning Boarding Bites!", and "Getting Your Board Up is an American Right!"
The Muslim Surfers Association of America said they had no objection to waterboarding under strict "Muslim 72 'Cherry-Ya' Laws", as long as a Head Scarf, or Large Black Tent is worn. This came as no surprise since "headless surfing" on the Endless Waves of Sand, is very popular in Muslim Countries.
Wave On, Dude, Wave On! May you wax your Board Forever!
Signed,
Faint "Whoa Dude" Bernard
aka Chief ThunderCloud
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved, including da right to surf Mon! Don't you be touchin' my ting now, you be leavin dat alone!
