Ex-Prez Bush Coins New Phrase For Being “Quick To Delay”, When Disaster Strikes! “We’re Smokin’ FEMA Ready Now! We’re Hot to Trot, and Practice Our Man-Woman, G-Spot, Fever Hot, Gynecological FEMA Relief LOVIN’!”
Bush Says He’s the “Fastest Quick Draw”, In the GOP’s Limited Government, Emergency Non-Response, Disaster Relief Efforts Speculum! Spectrum?
“We’re Ber-Ringing It On! Yee-Hah, Little Doggies! We’re Gonna Smoke Them Illegal Immigrant, Haitian Socialist Democrats, Out of Their Caribbean Spider Holes!”
“We got us a War on Earthquakes! Them earthquakes sure are nasty little Weapons of Mass Destruction, I tell ya! We’ll be sendin’ Weapons Inspectors to Haiti, real pronto like! I got the Pentagon workin’ on it right now!”
“Them Haitians are gonna be rockin’ and rollin’ for a long time, for sure! We got us a special, long range, underwater Sonar, Whale Songs Weapon, that’ll crack them Tectonic Plates under all them Socialist Island Paradises, real easy like! There’ll be Tsunamis All Over the dang place!”
“Them Carib Beaners will be jigging and jiving till Kingdom Comes! Hot Cha-Cha! Tourist prices on island souvenir geegaws will come way down! No more gouging the Poor Touristas when they come in their Capitalist Colonial Empire Ocean Liners to see the Natives in their Primitive Condition!”
“But first, we gotta get some of them Euro-Wussy Weapons Inspectors in there, and turn over some loose rocks! Hans Blix, or Blitzen, or Donner or Vixen, or whatever that socialist Euro-commie’s name was! That boy sure talked funny! He had to be one of them soccer playin’, bike ridin’, man purse, Euro Queers! The only weapon he was inspectin’, was some Eye-Racky’s Wiener Missile, hidin’ out in his liberal Euro-Chic butt hole!”
* *
Bush House Music. Get Yer Nose Bone On! Where’s My Tooth Necklace?
Which Doctor Bush, I Presume? Fire Up That Cannibal Pot! The Barbecue’s On!
Yee Ha! We Got Some Nice and Tender, Expendable Socialist Worker Meat To Consume! Wall Street’s Gonna Go Up! Good Time to Buy! The Fire’s Good and Hot, Kettle’s a Boilin’!”
[Somewhere in Crawford, Texas, way out, way, way out, on the “Out Bush” Ranch, on the Aborigine Evangelical, End Times, Alcoholics Anonymous Highway, in the year 2010. WARNING! There are No unnecessary, burdensome, Big Gubmint, Commie speed limit regulations, on this here Jesus and Liberty lovin’, John Wayne, He-Man Highway! If yer a wind power Wuss, go home and park yer fucking solar powered Wuss Mobile! Ya candy ass, non-Texan, wusshole!]
White Bush House, TX - Ex-Prez Bush said today that all the FEMA resources that hadn’t been sent to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, were now “Finally Ready”, and could be, but “not necessarily” would be, sent to help Haiti, and Chile, after their Earthquakes.
“How about that,” said Bush, “Pretty damn Quick, if you ask me! You’re doing great work, Brownie!”
“Brownie? Brownie?”
“Oh, there you are!”
“Damn, Brownie, you sure fixed, OOPS, I mean “HELPED”, them jitterbuggin’ New Orleans Swamp Darkies right good! Got ‘em right up on their bungalow roof tops, in the middle of a freakin’ Hurricane, dancin’ and hollerin’ with Joy, and makin’ one Hell of a Joyful Noise, and Prayin’ real hard to Jesus to Save ‘em!”
“Them Darkies sure is a Happy People! Ain’t no happier people then a Nigger or a Jew, dancing’ on a Hollywood Stage, or a rooftop! If they both wasn’t already Baptized in Holy Water, they sure was after Hurricane Katrina Hit ‘em! That’ll teach ya not to believe in Jesus!”
“Hell, I heard some of ‘em even busted out of their rooftops, when they heard the Holy Hurricane Water Rising! Now that must a been somethin’! Niggers poppin' out of rooftops, all over the place, like Jack in the Boxes! BOO! Damn, that would a skeered ya, for sure! Talk about Spook Town, that was it!”
"Ya know, everybody got down on me for not saving Spook Town right away, but come on, is Spook Town really worth saving? I mean, there's nothing there, but Spooks, Hooker Welfare Queens, and that red hot, gay broadway, Jazz Music!"
"Do you really wanna spend good White Tax Payer dollars on that? I mean, lets be realistic, some people just aren't worth saving, even for Jesus!"
"I mean, if you're gonna Convert to Niggerism, or to that anti-Jesus, fake, Jew type 'Religion', then you just gotta Expect to be washed away, in a Biblical type FLOOD, now and then, no questions asked!
"None of this wimpy 'Why'd God Do It To Me Stuff'?" It's simple! You Believed in the WRONG Religion! You Picked the Wrong GOD, you Idiot! That's what you get when you pick the wrong God! YOU GET WIPED OUT! Go ask a Native American if you don't believe me!"
“The thing is, My Fellow, White, Republican, Fearful, Bigoted Mercans, we don’t want good, patriotic, Mercan Darkies to be praying to those False Moose Limb gods when the End Times Flood comes, you know whut I mean, or prayin to that false “Mo, Ham and Ed”, three god, Moose Limb feller, PERIOD!"
"It was bad enough when that one eyed, Sammy Davis Junior, the 'Candy Man' Singer, converted to that fake Jew Religion, so he could 'Get in Good' with all them Hollywood Jew Boys and all them Commie Writers and Dancer Queers, and get better record Deals, becuz now he wuz one of them! And a lot of them anti-Authority Tinseltown films had subdiminal messages hidden right in the color film, that tried to convert our young White Christian Virgins to Lesbianism, or to make Jew Scientists sell Adam-Bomb Secrets to the Rooshins!”
"And THEN all them angry Black Power Ungawa Spooks converted into Black Panthers, and followed that Louie 'The Far Out' Frackkin crackpot, who makes Obama look like Mr. Rogers! And now Moose Limbs all over the World, are like a Tidal Wave of Self Destruction, 'tsunami-ing' their Camel Jockey, Sandy Butts all across the Globe, in their Improvised, Explosive, Jihad Scimitar, Bomb Wagons!"
"You see, Mohammad, or as I like to affectionately call him, “Mo, Ham and Ed”, are kinda like God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost! Sorta like the Holy Ghosts of the Three Stooges, but from Bollywood, instead of that Infidel Jew Tube Hollywood!”
“Mo, Ham and Ed are really like a three man Christian Trinity, Troika Style, and also like a typical Stovetop Rushin’, Godless Commie Comedy Team AND Fake TV Wrestler Tag Team, that wear colorful Mexican Wrestling Masks in their Mosques, and are always bowin’ down, scrapin', and prayer Ruggin’, to the Holy Supreme Cosmic Wrestler, and always screamin' at the top of their lungs, about ‘Satan, the Jew, the Infidel, Colonial Imperialism, running dog Capitalism, and Death to America’!”
“Oh, and I forgot, always going on about them Gaza Strippers! Now, I never knew the Gaza Strip was a Lap dance, AND a Red Light district! Damn! I guess Belly Dancers can really get your Tweeker Hard! Hell, and I thought Belly Dancing was some kind of Pure, Holy, Muslim Religious Ceremony! Don’t that beat all! Learn somethin’ new everyday!”
“Ya see, Mo, Ham and Ed are always wrestling down Infidel Evil Doers, and squashing any kind of comedy, or Swedish cartoons about Mo, Ham and Ed. They’re kinda like a 3 Man Religious Super Hero Team, with magic god Powers! Choppin’ off peoples heads, their hands, and stoning sexy woman to death who have healthy Sexual Appetites! Hey, ya live out in a desert a long time, get a little dehydrated, and you’ll start believing weird shit too! Look at me, Texas is pertty Dry, out here in Crawford! Your craw gets a mite bit dry after a day of preaching and hollerin’ at the Devil.”
“Just look at them Christians, when they lived in the desert, they believed Jesus was a Magician, with The Famous Magic Apostle Circus, and Jesus had His Incredible Crucifix Death Defier Act! He could Fly up to Heaven, just like Superman flew to his Artic North Pole Hideaway, and get it on with Santa and Mrs. Claus, only with Jesus, He sat in the right hand Seat next to God himself! Kinda like God’s co-pilot! How about that!”
"Somehow, I get the feelin', the Mo, Ham and Ed Sand People aren't too Happy, even though they are sitting on the Biggest Pile of Valuable Oil on the Planet! I guess Oil don’t work as a Hemorrhoid Crème, if you got an infidel bee up your ass, or in your Holy Berserk Burkha Bonnet!”
“And that “Ko-Ran” book they got! Jeez, it sounds like it’s named after some kinda Japanese Space Lizard Monster dressed in a rubber Monster Suit, that’s gonna A-Tack Toe-Kyo in a cheesy film studio swimming pool! Geez, I’ve just about G-Had it up to here! Why don’t The Sand People just pick the right God to Believe in from the git go, and be done with it!”
“Them boys just wanna Confuse things up too much, when the real Conservative Trick is to Simplify! You can only have one god, and that’s Jesus! Everybody else is just plain, flat WRONG, and is gonna Burn In Hell!”
“That’s what I say, and I’m from TEX-ASS, the Biggest Ass of a State! I’ll put my God, up against your God, any day of the week, and we’ll let the Gods fight it out! Okay? Praise Jesus!
And remember, there’s only one way of thinking, and that’s the TEX ASS WAY! SIMPLE, AND STOOPID. GOT IT?”
I SAID…
Oh Hell, just forget it…
Ya see, STUPIDITY IS just TOO HARD TO FIGURE OUT!
IT’S WAY TOO CONFUSING.
And it’s because STUPIDITY, HAS IT’S OWN unique busted up logic, ALL TO ITSELF!
Stupid Logic, ya see, is sorta kinda like Quantum Physics, except it’s deep inside in peoples’ brains. What I mean is, when the tiny little parts in our world get real, real small, they don’t behave according to the Normal Laws of Physics.
And that’s the same thing with Stupid Logic, it don’t behave according to Normal Rules of Thought.
Stupid Logic pretty much don’t make no sense at all, other than to support a preexisting belief in the limited, low power mind, of the fool or idiot that‘s spoutin’ it.
Stupid Logic is in a World all it’s own. Ya might say it’s got its own rules of “illogic”, also known as “Sick” Logic.
It’s like when the world of common sense, meets the world of non-sense, and a huge chunk of dumb people can’t see any difference at all.
Now ya know we’re dealing with a Really Big Problem here! Right here in the USA!
Just thought I’d Clue ya in to that. Free of charge. My Gift to you.
Don’t think Nothing of it! No big Deal! I woulda done it anyway!
Hey, what are friends for! I’m a neighborly kinda guy!
It’s a pleasure doing favors for people!
Anytime at all, I’m just over the back fence!
You see my light on, just come a knockin’!
Mi casa, su casa!
* * *
God Controls the Whether! Whether It’s the Kind of Weather You Like, Or Not!
What Ever Happened To Free Will? Did God Revoke Our Free Will?
You Better Not Shout, You Better Not Pout, You Better Not Fight, Cuz God Is Coming Tonite! Just HOW BIG, Is God’s DICK?
I Want My End Times, NOW!
Taking “Personal Responsibility”, For the Mess, God and the GOP Have Made!
It Ain’t My Fault, I Just Believe In Jesus! It Ain’t My Fault If God Told Me To Kill All Them Other Wrong Religion Fuckers! They Was the WRONG RELIGION! WHAT’S THEIR EXCUSE?
Hey Infidel! Allah Likes Bombs! Here’s a Christmas Present, From Mo, Ham, and Ed, down at your favorite local Moose Limb Lodge! Tick, tick, tick, KA-BOOM!
Headline News Flash: Over-extended American Army, Crumbles From IEBDDs, “Improvised Explosive Brain Damage Devices!” Later to Morph Into, “Improvised Permanent Empire Damage”, and “Long Term Improvised Debt and Deficit Damage.”
Either Way, Infidel, It’s KA-BOOM!
When asked about New Orleans, Bush said, in his Holy Christian Point of View, “New Orleans DID NOT NEED, or ever Need, Socialist Handout Aid, but instead, should take ‘Personal Responsibility’ for the mess it had Created from its own Behavior, by not believing in Jesus forcefully enough!”
“The Darkies, or Bayou Jiga Boo Bunnies, of New Orleans, then made things even Worse by not Praying hard enough for God to change the Holy Perfection Direction, of the Holy Cleansing Hurricane, that HE had Decided to Send to rid New Orleans of its Sins and Debauchery!”
“New Orleans should not Burden Our Holy White Christian Nation, by playing the Race Card, and claiming to be a False Victim, in order to get a Free Government Handout! That’s Socialism!”
“Obviously, God was simply taking Affirmative Action, and had sent the Holy Hurricane, to Strike Down and Sink into the Sea, the Sodom and Gomorrah of Black People, and Democrats, that New Orleans had Becometh, by not believing in Holy Republican, No Government, Rule Free, Market Principles.”
“And especially, God wanted to Purify the Lazy Sinful Jobless Black Men, who had touched their big black throbbing Mandingo Roots far too many times, Squirting their Sticky Evil Ejaculate towards Hell, while Dreaming of screwing Pure White, American Honey, Blond Christian Virgins, who are just like Sarah Palin’s knocked up, out of wedlock, teen slut, whore of a daughter! Amen. Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! May your Penis be Cleansed in a Sea of Pickle Brine!”
Sarah Palin Style, Formaldehyde Impregnated, Southern Trash, Trashed Trailers!
Ten thousand FEMA Trailers, with unsafe levels of formaldehyde fumes in their wood, that have been sitting rotting in an Alabama field over the last 4 or 5 years, will now be shipped to Haiti, just as soon as the renewable energy Gulf Ocean Currents can float them to Haiti, along with free quantities of “Deep Horizon BP” fish fry oil, “Tar Ball Gulftane BP” Barbecue Briquette Blobettes, “Oil of de Gulfay BP Octane Number 5” skin moisturizer and sun tan lotion, along with “Old Gal, Deep Ocean Miracle, Youth Rejuvenator” skin pore filler, for that youthful dark suntanned look, and for when you’re not afraid to be really Black, which in the American South is still not very often.
The long lost and forgotten FEMA trailers (also known as “FEMA-aldehyde Huts”, or just plain, “FEMA? He Be Hide!”) will be disassembled first in Alabama, by out of work Gulf fishermen, who are already sick from exposure to the Gulf oil, and therefore it won’t matter if they live in, and disassemble the poisonous formaldehyde fumed trailers.
THEN the Haitians will reassemble the trailers, overseen by Halliburton construction “overseers”, before the Lucky “free handout” Haitians move in to them, in a GOP designed “Earn, then Profit from, Our Disaster Aid” Program. No free lunch for these greedy little people! “Non-corporate Welfare”, or “Non-Corporate Socialism”, is just not in a Republican’s vocabulary!
Republicans said shipping the trailers, Oops, floating the trailers on the free, “renewable energy” Gulf currents, was a brilliant and better version of FDR’s “Lend Lease” to the British during World War Two, but here it will be called “Lend and Fleece”, guaranteed to bring joy to a GOPster’s little heart.
Halliburton, in a No Bid “Corporations Really Don’t Want to Compete” Contract, in keeping with “Newt’s Binge the Rich” and his “Neuter America Contract”, will take advantage of the Earthquake by selling tools, job training, trucks, bogus accounting management, and tent city security guards, to the Haitians, so they can rebuild the trailers, and Halliburton can then pocket the lion’s share, of the “Aid To Haiti Money”.
Bush said that high levels of Formaldehyde in the trailer’s fiber board parts, wouldn’t bother “poor black people, desperate for a home”, as much as it would bother high class, refined, Superior, Corporate White People, with prim and proper housewives who have sophisticated Decorator Tastes.
Bush said, “Them Niggers will never notice, because they stink so much Worser, than white men do! And formaldehyde has kind of a nice Perfumey scent, similar to room Air Fresheners, like the ones they sell on TV called ‘Nigger Breeze’. Any white, or very light skinned Haitians, will be able to buy ‘Nigger Free Breeze’ air fresheners, or just plain old ‘Frebreeze’, which is what black slaves used to cover their tracks when escaping North, while being chased by bloodhounds, and fat southern sheriffs.”
Bush also said that “this would clear up, once and for all, the mistaken belief that Republicans don’t care about Niggers, Oops, I mean Black People, as much as them bleedin heart, nigger lovin’ Liberals do!”
Bush went on to say that people should donate as much as they could to Haiti, “because Niggers are People too, even though they aren’t quite as superior as white men are.”
He said, “There was no reason to hate the Haiti people, even if they do want to overwhelm our shores with illegal immigrants, and even though they do speak French! Which is about the worsest thing you can ever see in your life, is the sight of a Nigger, actin’ all high falutin’ and hoity toity like, puttin’ on airs, while speakin’ high class homo fruity French!”
“The next thing you know, people will start thinking Black People can Fly airplanes, or fight in the military just like white men, or God Forbid, even run for Prezzydent! When that day comes, it’ll be like the defeat at the Alamo, or Waterloo, for Merca!”
“Oh, by the way, Waterloo is Frenchy for ‘toilet’, my wife told me that, she’s a smert librarian. Sometimes I think she’s smerter than me, cuz she’s awful Wordy! She knows a lot of different words for the Terlet, like Waterloo.”
Bush also urged everyone in his home state to donate “extra hard” to help the Chile people, “because Texans have a special fondness for Chile, and for the people that invented it, in both hot and mild versions, with and without beans, and with or without meat!”
GOP Spokesperson and blond Shill, Moneykey LowCrawly, said this was a perfect example of how quickly a limited gubmint, and greedy corporations, can work together in a “no rules”, totally free, profit from the aid, market!
Well, pretty quickly. And eventually. Long enough to give a feller a chance to study the situation, and profit from it…
* *
Tax Cuts to Hire a New Worker, Is Like Pushing On a String, to Create a New Customer! It’s Econ 101, Mr. Tea Party Dick! Otay, Butt Wheat?
Missy Misfit Moneykey BlowCrawly, the Blondie GOP Shillster, and Conservative Carnival Barker Ho’, said that the Republican Party was working on giving every Haitian business a “targeted tax cut” that will “incentify” businesses to hire workers, even though the tax cut will not cover the cost of the workers salary, nor will it cause the Sales of the business to increase, which would be the only reason for hiring the New Worker in the first place, which is, to handle an increase in sales.
But Miss LowCrawly, believing in GOP Wonderland Economic Theories, said “tax cuts” are still a better way to stimulate jobs in America because they would give Extra Money to a business owner, who could put the money in the bank and not spend it, and the Bank would promptly Not Lend it, or maybe the small business owner could buy his wife some expensive flowers and a Paris designer dress, or upgrade to the leather upholstery on the Beamer, all highly intensive “job creation” actions.
This would be Much Better than repairing the Nation’s highways, bridges, and water systems, that have been falling down, breaking down, or leaking, and have earned our national infrastructure a grade of “D” by the National Transportation Department, because the politicians haven’t funded repairs for the last FIFTY Years!
* * *
Mommy! Kiss My Jobless Boo-Boo!
Unsafe At Any Finance Speed!
Who Needs Finance Regulations, when a “Prudent” Crazy Jew Banker is in Charge? (Along with "Other Religion" Crazy Bankers Too!)
(That’s My Religious Disclaimer, it let’s me off the hook, cuz I am not an anti-Zimonate! I like Hot Jewish Chicks! Bring ‘em on! Wubba, Blubba, Zubba! Oh God, now them Moose Limbs are gonna burn me in Hell! You can’t point your dick at ANYBODY with the wrong religion anymore!)
Drive the Speedy, Rattletrap, U.S. Economy Deathcar! Who Needs Safety Regulations, or Safety Equipment, On the “U.S. Economic Deathroadster?”
That’s Why We Have the Security Exchange Commission! You “Exchange” Your Security, to Get Worthless Assets! Them New York Finance Boys Is Smert!
Drive the General Odors new “Meltdown Roadster” for 2008! Our fast buck, fast fuck GDP-VVD model! Our “Global Death Prickster”, and “Viper Vault Derivative” model for 2008, is faster than a Speeding Finance Bullet! Made by General Odors!
And financed by Manny, Mo and Mel, the “Crazy Jew and Other Religion” Bankers of Wall “Stink” Street, all pepped up on coke derivatives!
The Big, “Wall Stream Steam” Financiers! The Big Stinking Dick, Yellow, Wall Piss Bankers, in “out of control, Jew Yawk Shitty”, where all the Rabbis have Forgotten, and just gone along, to get along, for the Easy Ride! Hey, after a few Pogroms, Diasporas, and Holocausts, you’d go along for an easy ride too! This is the Best Gig we’ve had in a long time! USA, we’re Number One!
Hey, I am NOT an Anti-Seamite! I support Israel’s right to oppress Gaza Rocketeers, and I liked that Diamond feller that sang all them pop songs in the 70’s. (Len, Ron, Dave Diamond? What WAS that Jew boy’s name?)
What I really am is, I’m against “Asshole FINANCIERS.” Oh yes, the Big Swinging Cavalier “Casino Boy” Financier! Ya know, why don’t ya get a useful, real job? And help some people, and America! Instead of just overfeeding your big Pig Mouth!
And remember, as a Jew, your Not allowed to eat, or be, a PIG! Bad little Jew boy, you’ve turned into a stinky, dirty, diseased, trichinosis, tricky noses PIG!
So come on down, to Your Local, New York Banker Dick Dealership! Banker Boy, he’ll fuck you, in a New York Minute! What a Big Pisser he is, and ALL OVER the Whole Nation! Gotta hand it to him, he’s got a Big Dick, in his Hand!
Say Fella, Is Your Economy Stuck in a Hospital Body Cast? Get Up Off Your Lazy Bones Jobless Ass, and Run the 50 Yard Dash, you Unemployed Jobless Sucker!
Think Positive, and “Create Your Own Reality” Job! Be the Little Engine that COULD! Get a Tax Cut, and Create Your Own Career! You Can Be ANYTHING You Want To BE, if You just try hard enough, and Especially if you have a Tax Cut, on income You don’t have! Courtesy of, New York Banker boy!
* *
In the Blink of an Eye, the Jobs Are Gone! How Can That Be, Mr. T?
Osama’s “Black, Fire Hose Sized, Huge, Mandingo, Stimulus Package” did include a lot of infrastructure job projects, and even Tax Cuts that Republicans asked for, and all the Republican’s can say is “Why haven’t all the jobs come back in the blink of an eye? Mommy, why isn’t my cut finger healed in a day? My boo-boo hurts! Mommy, if you kiss it, will it make all the jobs come back in a day? Waah! I’m a Big Baby, I want my job back in ONE day!”
The Republicans took thirty years to repeal, tear off, and throw away all the safety equipment (the finance safety rules) on our national economy, on our “Economic Automobile”, tweaking out extra “speedy growth”, and when the car finally crashed in the Economic Ditch at 90 miles an hour, because the FUCKING BRAKES, HEADLIGHTS, AND STEERING WHEEL HAD BEEN REMOVED, the GOP says, “Why hasn’t the President, all by his wittle self, brought back ALL the JOBS, IN ONE YEAR, like MAGIC?”
The Republicans say, “Why is the car still in the Body Shop?” Becuz you totaled it, you Ass Wipe! You went to a big Frat party, got drunk as a skunk, and crashed the car on the way home! Is there anything about that, you Don’t Understand, White Boy Buck Wheat?
The car is DOA! Dead on Arrival! It’s a crumpled up mess and nobody knows how to fix it!
So, what do all the rich Republican Senators, short sighted Independent Voters, and smarmy GOP pundits say?
“The president PROMISED! HE PROMISED US, THAT ALL THE JOBS WOULD COME BACK In A MAGIC FAIRY INSTANT! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!
“Where’s my Maypo! I want my job security Blanket! Mommy, you said Santa was gonna bring me a dolly, a bike, and a Superman Cape, for Christmas!”
“The Magic Fairy Promised us Unemployment wouldn’t go over 8, or 9, or 10 percent! The President has Precise Magic Control over the Economy doesn’t he? He promised us, he would set the unemployment rate at 8 percent, on the Miracle Magic, Happy Machine Dial, and It didn’t Happen! Santa Klaus didn’t show up for Christmas! Santa doesn’t EXIST! MOMMMMY! WAAAH!”
“WHY CAN’T THE PRESIDENT, ALL BY HIS WITTLE LONESOME SELF, BRING BACK EVERYBODY’S JOB, in one short year?”
Because he’s a BAD SANTA Claus!
No, because it’s complicated Economics, you dip SHIT!
Because the Economy is like a giant Supertanker, and it’s crashed into the rocks, and there is NO Fucking EASY BUTTON, that the Captain can push, and turn the ship on a dime! Got it, Honky Boy? It’s not like slapping up drywall, or pulling some chicks panties off, and sticking your dick in her.
It’s like your Frat brother is in Critical Condition, right after the drunken car wreck, about one step away from being declared a brain dead jellyfish, and you, like a tea party dork, are blaming the Surgeon at the Emergency Room, for not having your buddy up and drinking again minutes after arriving at the Emergency Room.
Earl (talkin‘ to Goober, in a Confederate, independent, Conservative Bumpkin county): “Well, ya see, the way you fix a totally fucked Economy is REAL SIMPLE! All ya gotta do is put a wrench on that spark plug there, and give it a little twist!”
“And if that don’t work, then by golly, just smack the god damn TV Set with a Hammer! Git er done, see? Ya see whut I‘m sayin’, huh, do ya, white Boy? It‘s Real Simple, for Not Too Bright, Simple Country Folks! Cuz we don’t unnerstan’ all that complicated, uh, Komplicaturd Eco… Eco… nom… uh, what the fuck… E-co-nom-ic… Shee-it!”
Do you know what the SIMPLE FIX GOPsters want? They want the President and the Economy to Fail, a little while longer.
Why? Because rich Republicans don’t mind prolonging the national economic pain, when they have nice cash reserves to tide them over the bumps. AND, they figure More pain will put them back in power at the next election, becuz they can blame the Democrats for the problems the Republicans really caused. And THEN they can give us more of the same “no rules” finance shit that got us here in the first place, and then they can profit from it, and get rich quick, all over again, before fucking the economy again! Got it?
Yep, take your Economic Vitamins the Republican Way! Build Strong Bones, Bridges, and Muscles, in just One Day! Isn’t it Wonderful how the GOP promises that a Tax Cut, will get your Job back, in just one day?
Santa’s reading your wish list, RIGHT NOW, little GOP Campster Boy! He’s checking it twice, so you better be nice! Now pull your pants back up, and stop touching yourself!
Santa Is Dead! NO! I’m Not Listening! I Can’t Hear You! I Have My Fingers in My Ears! I’m Gonna Tell Mommy On You! And She’s Gonna Spank You!
Do you really think you can Fix an Economy, that’s busted and broken, and IN a body cast, ON crutches, and in the Hospital, and fix it in ONE Year?
You’re Actually wondering why the fucking jobs haven’t come back, in just One YEAR?
What the FUCK FAIRY TALE LAND ARE YOU LIVING IN? What super powerful California Pot are you smoking? Go sit by the fireplace with a plate of milk and cookies, and pray for Santa to come, in July, in a Big Red Hairy Christmas Robe! Or is that more like “Hare Kari Krishna Mode?”
BLORPP! SPLURPP! BLORFF, KA FIZZZ! OH, YEAH! Oh, Jeez, Sorry, Santa just Came All Over your Christmas Cookies! Too Bad! Hmmm! Kinda Creamy! Sorta like a white cookie icing!
Mr. Super Econ Conservative Boy! Fixes Busted Economies in One Leap!
Did you ever even take a single Econ course in your life, Mr. Supply Curve?
Okay, so you know the words “Supply and Demand”, and now you actually think you know why the economy tanked, AND how to fix it, in ONE YEAR?
Pal, you my friend, are Way Not as smart as you think you are.
I’ll put my econ background up against your’s any day, and I believe I gotta real good chance of winning.
I actually studied this shit, and brother, let me tell ya, it ain’t “git ‘er done” easy.
There’s not too many other subjects on “this here” earth that are harder to study, and they pretty much come down to the Physics of the Earth and the Universe, high level mathematics, computer chip design and chip instruction code, electrical/electronics engineering, and the biochemical sciences.
The guys that study the above shit have more brainpower than I do. Oops, and I almost forgot, there’s also “Creation Science”. And the Arab Israeli Conflict. And the Amazing, Over Leveraged Mind, of a Wall Street “Crazy Jew Banker.”
“If I lend out one dollar on Wednesday, I’ll gladly get back three million on Tuesday!”
The problem with people is, they don’t know when their brainpower Stops, and their Stupidity begins.
Holy shit! That’s my One and only Brilliant Idea! Am I a Geenie-us, or whut? This one’s mine! I claim it. I’m gonna call it, “The Bernard Principle”. Maybe I am as Smert as them Jew Boys! Holy Hazeltov!
How ya like them golden apples, Smert Boy? Is that a non transfat Promise, or whut?
Volunteer! That’ll Give You a Job!
Miss LowCrawley said abolishing the Transportation Department was next on the GOP’s List of “Unnecessary and Excessive Gubmint Entitlements”. She said Volunteer Pothole Brigades, and Circus Nets under bridges, were a more Patriotic, Godly, Mom, Apple Pie, Freedom Way to solve our Nation’s Problems, and definitely left more money in the Pockets of the Rich.
Ultimately, the Republicans feel that NO Government is the BEST Government, because it allows the Rich to run Wild without RESTRAINT, or RULES, or OBLIGATIONS, or any RESPONSIBILITY at all, to an irritating little old thing called “Society”, that just keeps getting in the way of keeping every last “pair of dimes” of Profit for themselves, gained by selling things to people “IN Society”. Got it?
(Hey! “Got it” is my trademark thingy, I gotta throw that in there now and then, just for good measure. Besides, it keeps you Awake, by making you think, “Uh-Oh! Did I miss something there?” You sure did, buster boo!)
You see, when Society can be used as a “Profit Center”, business lingo for “a source of profit”, Republicans are fine with that.
It’s the Flip Side of the Coin, when Society is a “Cost Center”, that Republicans, and Libertarians wish to Avoid. Why? Because Businessmen don’t want to be responsible to, or responsible for, Society. They want to “Use Society and its Benefits” to get rich, but they feel they don’t owe much back in return. Go figure!
You see, “being Responsible” in Business costs money, and makes your Profit Margin a little smaller, and you don’t get to keep EVERY LAST FUCKING PENNY, of the NEVER ENOUGH profit for YOURSELF! And for a Republican, having less money (horrors!) means feeling less “loved”? Got it?
Now you’re catching on!
Toyota, BP, and the Trusty Wusty Businessman!
For a current definition of “Responsibility Avoidance by a Rich Corporation”, think Toyota, huge Auto Recall, and the recent Subpoena to uncover hidden company documents hiding the Toyota “Stuck Gas Pedal” Problem.
Or, hey, think BP!
Oops! I thought the trusty GOP said we could Trust the Businessman! What happened?
Did the TRUST RUN AWAY? Here little Trusty Wusty Boo Boo Bear! Come Back to Poppa! Momma Bear just CRASHED her Toyota into a TREE, and now the Gulf is an Oil Pond! Oil of Ole, anyone? (That’s Ole, not Olay, you oaf loaf of little fine distinction. I can’t believe it’s NOT oleo, or butter, on your toasted oat loaf.)
And now your beloved little Kiddy Widdy, and your lovely Wifey Poo, sitting in your crashed Toyota, are Smashed, Brain Damaged Pumpkins, with brains the consistency of Pumpkin Pie! Oh, I forgot to tell you, the Baby Seat was defective too! Ha-Ha, the Jokes on you, Republican BOY!
Then think Impeached GOP Prez Nixon and say, OUT LOUD, while driving your warm and fuzzy Camry, or your Huggy Bear Tundra Truck, or your Tree Hugger Little Prick Prius ,“What did Toyota know, and when did they know it?” Hopefully before your gas pedal sticks at 90 miles an hour, on the Golden Gate Bridge, at rush hour!
Don’t worry, the airbags are inflatable, and will keep you afloat once the car is in the water in San Francisco Bay!
Now you’re really catching on, Swim fin Republican Boy!
Oh the Pain, of Informed Libertarian Decisions! Say “Hi” To Jesus!
And as you’re dying, you can say, “Isn’t it wonderful I made an informed Libertarian Decision to buy a Super Reliable Car, and never needed an intrusive, Big Brother, Socialist, Big Gubmint Transportation Agency to watch out for my Safety, and protect me, when I can do a much better job Protecting Myself! Blub, glub, glorp! Damn this water is cold!”
“And look at all the Taxes I saved!” As your Camry is sinking like a stone! Blorp, splurp, kaflizzz!
“Oh, boy! Look at all the pretty Fishes! Hi, Fishies! Ooohh! Hi, Jesus! What are Yooo doin’ here? (Blorp!) I knew, I knew you could walk on water, but I never knew you could Breath Underwater, too!”
“How do you do that, Jesus? Wow! Can I breath underwater too?” (Gleep!)
“Oh, boy, it sure is getting Bright in here! I think I’m getting some kinda Tunnel Vision, and this Weird Floating Sensation! (Plorp!) You know, Jesus, you’re so much better looking in person, than you are in your photographs. And you know what, (cough, cough) you really do look Swedish!”
“If, uh, (bloop) wait a second, I’m getting’ all tangled up here in my Seat Belt, how the fuck, do I get this damn buckle undone, Jeeeesus, this thing is a real bitch, I think it’s STUCK!”
“But, anyway, FORGET about that STUPID BUCKLE, I don’t give a flyin fuck about it any old Way, but, but, heeere’s my POINT, if, IF, and that’s NOT definite Yet, cuz I’m still thinking about it, Okay, but If I was to give you my camera, will you, WILL YOU, take, uh, uhm [hic-cup] MY picture, of Us Together, you and me, Huh, would ya? You know, for a keepsake memory thingy? Whaddya Say, there, Old Jesus (Hic-cup!) YOU my Man!?”
(Ga-Bloop! Blorp! Fizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. )
[Sound of Harps, coming from behind the Clouds, with a Choir of Hot Bitch Angels, with ruby red Lips, singing in Chorus, and Swaying their Wide Fertile Hips: “Oh, Toy-Yo-Tah! You Are My Super Reliable, Toy-Yo -Tah! OH, My Holy Prius! My Big Stiff Prius! You are my One, and Only Prius!”]
[Stage goes Dark, car sinks out of sight, passes sign underwater that says, “Libertarian Deregulation Seabed, Straight Ahead! 500 Ft. Down! Last Gas Before Bottom!]
Cinder-ella, and the Little Lost Pony, in the Roomful of Shit!
Missy Misfit Moneykey LowCrawly probably Dreams of being rich someday, because she needs to Replace the Love she never got as a Child, and that’s why she has became a shill for the Republican Party, a Salesman for their mantra of “No Gubmint, No Rules, Let the Rich Do Whatever The Fuck They Want.”
Her Parents would be Proud of her, in a Strange, Twisted Way. Only her psychiatrist may really know for sure, what the truth of “Her Inner Truth” is. Just what ARE her deep inner “Motivations”, that make her so despicably tick, and have turned her into such a money grasping, bloated, blood sucking Vampire Republican Tick?
From here, I’d say she’s trying to “Look Perfect” on the outside, in order to climb the Social Image ladder, and to “be somebody”. To FINALLY be recognized, and get the Love she so desperately needs, and feels she deserves, but NEVER got as a child. Poor Baby! She just wants WUV! Poor wittle Bunny Wabbit! So Soft and Fluffy, an so Unloved! It’s such a Cwime!
GOP TV Shills, Shrilly Drill Down, the Wabbit Hole, To the Shallow False Palace, at the Heart of the Malice, in the GOP’s Not So Wonderful, Dunder Land!
In the end, soft, fluffy, fucked up GOP Muffy, is left with just being really fucked up on the inside! Forever, hopelessly, trying to fix and fill, her “Empty Love Hole”, deep inside her Wounded Self Image, and using Money as “Love Cement”, as Emotional Repair Glue, for her cracked and broken, inner “you”. Boo Hoo! And Good Luck!
And Muffy the Unloved GOP Wabbit is Mad! Wabbit’s weally Mad Inside, at herself, and the world, and especially at Big Bad Gubmint! Wabbit’s Plan is she’s gonna get Money, lotsa money, to make herself feel Better! And that means she has to get rid of the big Bad Gubmint, standing in the way, of her getting More Money as Fast as she Can!
Dear Lord, Lickety Split, Make the Money come really Quick!
Of course, this is just my Guess, and what do I know!
You can’t judge a book by it’s Blonde Superficial Cover.
But you can judge it, by what it says.
And with Republicans, it’s always, always, about Money.
So, my friend, my junior G-Man, what does that tell you?
Follow the Money, the yellow goldbrick road, to wherever it goes!
And where it will end?
Will Dorothy find Kansas?
Will Toto find a slipper to chew on?
Will the Lion find Courage?
Will the Tin Man get a heart?
Will the Straw Man become Real?
Will conservatives find love in a pile of money?
Nobody knows.
Only the fleeting, flitting Shadows, in your Heart, know!
And of course, to placate the religious freaks, ONLY Jesus, Allah, Mohammed and God knows!
Happy now? Feel better? If Mommy kisses it, will it feel better?
Or is it better just to Kiss an old Bag of Gold?
I think I know what a Republican would say.
How about you?
Put her right there, and give me a Big Smooch!
Now kiss this Big Thing, I got hanging between my legs! (Ladies ONLY!)
OH, YEAH! THAT FEELS MUCH BETTER!
NOW, JUST STAY RIGHT THERE, AND DON’T MOVE!
OH, GOD! NOW THAT FEELS REALLY GOOD!
“Mmm, Mmm! Whid whorr whozz!”
You don’t have to say anything, JUST NOD YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN, IF YOU AGREE!
“Woh-whay! Whhyy wwike whorr Wheewiss!”
Thanks! I like it too!
Hmmm! Sssllluuuurrrrpppp! Slluurrpp!
Oh, yeah, Baby! That’s it!
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Just Keepin’ Up, with the News!
* * *
College Cheer.
Ready?
Sigh-Call-Oh-Gee!
Sigh-Call-Oh-Gee!
Hiss! Boom! Bah-ree!
Go TEAM! Go TEAM!
Is it Us, Them, or We?
Now let’s get out there,
and RAPE the Nation!
And Give ALL the Profit,
to the CORPORATE Plantation!
Cor-Por-It! Cor-Por-It!
Hiss! Boom! Bah!
Fuck the Whole Lame Nation!
YEEAAHH! CORPORATE!
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved. Including the right to steer left if I want to.
* * *
Get a Grip! Last Grasp, and Last Gasp, Before Crossing the “Death Valley Libertarian Desert!”
WARNING! Enter the Bloodless Crippled Heart, of the Zombie, Vampire Conservative, At Your Own RISK! Turn Back, Before It’s Too Late!
Watch that Pothole! Watch out for that Collapsed Bridge! Whoaaaaaaa!
Ka-Splash! Bungle! CRASH!
Man, that sure was a long way down! Holy Crap! I can’t feel my arms or legs! I’m Completely NUMB! Holy Shit, I’ve Turned into an Emotionally Paralyzed Republican! Maybe I’ll feel something, if you cut me with a tax!
[Rrr Rrrr Rrrr! Sound of Gasoline Powered Tax Saw revving up, its chain spinning with much sharper Diamond “Tax Cut” Teeth! Guhzizzz! Earrrrooooeee! Grrrunch! A few zeroes fall off my Off Shore, Inflated Swiss Penis, Bank Account! Hey, it’s your Friendly neighborhood “Wachovia, Watch Over Ya” Bank, with their Royal Crown, Corona Bonus Shaft, Up your Ass Account, watching over your Ass-ets.]
Oh God, now I’m bleeding money, and my heart’s gonna die!
Quick, drive me to the Bank! They’ll be able to revive me, with an Emergency Loan, a cash blood transfusion!
Oh Christ! I’m a dead man! My Bank Account is down to ZERO! I got nothing to Live for!
Without a shitload of money, it ain’t worth being a Republican, and life ain’t worth living at all! How am I gonna fuck all the Little People, and show the world I’m worth something inside?
Ka-Splunk! Crash! Bonk!
[Total Silence. Except for one little wobbling piece of broken glass, with the words “Rosebud Brewery” molded in the glass.]
Holy Crap! He’s dead!
He just keeled over, and died from Money Shock!
Christ, without any Customers to spend, not even a Tax Cut could Save him!
Man! I’m glad I’m not a Republican! If we were addicted to money the way they are, we’d all be dead, for sure!
* * *
Damn, I’m Good! Go ahead, admit it! Pet my little dinky Minkey!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
On a Vision Quest, For That Old Time Vision Thing!
Here Society! Here Little Poochie Woochie! Where Did You Go? Come Back To Mama! Come Back, Little Sheba! But To What?
My Vision of Society, and My Vision ONLY, Is The CORRECT VISION! Roger that! Twenty/twenty vision, up a Conservative’s constipated, and compacted Colon, and ten four, Good Buddy! We got us a Convoy!
The Eternal Conservative Quest, Can Money Buy Love?
Or, What’s Love, Got To Do With It?
Y’all come back to Crawford! Good times had by all! Well, at least by some!
One man’s Profit, is sometimes Society’s Loss.
One man’s Tax Cut, is sometimes Society’s Loss.
One man’s undeserved Tax Cut, is sometimes another man’s deserved “entitlement”.
One Man’s Lower Profit, is another Man’s Health Care.
One man’s “No Rules” Market, is usually always Society’s Loss.
What do you Owe Society? Anything? Something? Nothing?
No Man is an Island unto himself.
Man needs Society. He just doesn’t want to Pay for It! (Ba Dum Bump! Cymbal Crash!)
Why? Because he’s a Big, Spoiled, Selfish BABY, who wants all the toys for himself!
And then, GUBMINT MOMMY has to come in and say, “Okay kids, don’t fight, be nice, SHARE the TOYS, carrots are good for you, and no dessert before dinner!”
Got it, ya BIG BABY?
Now go suck on a dollar bill.
Republican Big Baby. Goo Goo Ba-Ba!
WAAAH! I’m not a Big Baby! I’m a Republican! I want my TAX Cut!
And if I don’t get it, I’m gonna Piss, and SHIT, all over the ENVIRONMENT, and the NATION, and the Gulf of Mexico!
WAAAH! I Just WANT MY MONEY! I WANNA BE LOVED!
Please MOMMY! Please LOVE ME! PLEASE!
“HERE KID, HERE’S A DOLLAR! Go buy yourself some love! Now leave Mommy ALONE! She’s BUSY fucking a Lobbyist!”
WAAAHHH!
“Shut up! I’m doing ya a Favor!”
What favor is that?
“When you grow up, you’ll become a Republican, and then you’ll finally have a Never Ending Purpose in Life.”
And what’s that?
“To forever be searching, for the Love I never gave you, as a Child.”
WAAAAAHHHH!
No Fair!
But I really want love, and not just money!
“Then go be a Democrat! Republicans are the Party of the Rich, and the Loveless!”
I hate you, you’re just a Capitalist WHORE!
“Yeah, but a really, really GOOD Capitalist Whore! That’s gotta count for something!”
“Now give your Mommy a Big Kiss! Smoochie, Woochie, Huggy Boo Bear! And here’s an extra dollar, cuz I luv ya! You’re gonna make a great stingy Republican someday!”
“Now get out there, and start fucking people! Practice makes perfect! How are you ever gonna learn to forget your Scruples?”
“Remember, ya gotta Fuck Society fast, and get your money quick, becuz you don’t have much time on Earth, before you Burn in Hell! Got it? That’s the Republican Way, Laddie!”
“And if you are Jewish, Boodish, Voodish, Protestant, Catholic, or Mueslix, and don’t believe in hell, there is that much less, standing in your way, to misbegotten wealth and riches! Right, my little mensch? My little Poopsi Woopsi? My little non-believer Infidel son!”
Momma Comforts Conservative Boy.
“Here, have some chicken soup, and forget what you had to do today, to make such a fine living! It’ll all be bettuh, in the morning! Trust me, I’m your Muthuh! You’re such a Good Boy! You make your Muthuh so Proud!”
“And if the cops arrest you, why, you just tell ‘em you were Only Following Orders, from the boss at the Top! Okay? You were just Following Orders from your Corporate Leader, paying the Mortgage, and wearing the corporate LeaderHosen!”
“There now, that’s a Good Son! Sleep, and it’ll all be bettuh, and wiped clean, in the Morning!”
“Sshhh! Rock-a-bye baby! The Cradle will rock! Go to sleep, my Baby! Corporate Profit, will Corrupt!”
Auf Wiedersehen! My Little Boopsie!
Are We All Insane?
Shut Up! Und Follow der Orders! Work Makes you Free! The Most Efficient Maximum Profit Solution, is the only Final Solution, to the Profit Prophet’s, Screwish Question!
Now turn that Signal High, My Corporate Hitler Fitler!
Und click your corporate heels together! Not Wimpy like that! HARDER, Zo It HERTZ! We Have Ways to Spank you, und make you Talk und Squeal!
Und Straighten your Leader Hosen!
Efficiency is der New Prime Directive!
Now, Poopsi, Go to Schleeep! It’s Only Zyklon B!
Und ven you wake up, you vill be in a new Wunderland!
Profitland Over All! A Pure, Rarefied PROFITLAND, Over ALL! Perfect for those at the TOP, for der New CORPORATE MASTER RACE!
Good nite, my little Schminky! Sleep tight! Don’t let dos Pesky corporate Bed Bugs Bite!
Tomorrow! Ja! Tomorrow, vill definitely be, a new, and horrible day!
And you my friend, are going to be, just another Empty, Expendable, and “Hollow Cost!”
Now, NEVER FORGET! I tried to WARN You!
But you said, “No, it can’t happen here! I will never be a Hollow Cost!”
Und I said, “It looked like a pretty Crystal Clear Night, or Krystal Nacht, to me!”
And you said, “What’s a Krystal Nacht?”
And I said, “Just look in the Broken Mirrors, at the broken dreams, and the fears, in the growing streams, of the people’s tears.”
“Look at the New Corporate Vision, of the American Dream, in the shattered, American Looking Glass Mirror.”
What do YOU see, my friend?
What do you see?
New Vision Mathematics!
Where do I draw my Bottom Line?
I see Mostly Profit at the Top of Society, and Mostly Expense at the Middle and the Bottom, of Society.
When that happens, History tells us the Stage is set, for Rebellion, Violence, and Revolution.
It’s Time to Pick sides, again, in what appears to be a Never Ending Battle, in the War for Economic Justice.
Whose side are you on? Don’t let the credit cards, and the loans, and the fancy car, fool you into thinking you are really part of the Royal King Top Class!
Are you really a “Little People”, that is, in the middle, or at the bottom?
Or are you really a Corporate King, at the Top?
King, or Peasant?
Finding the Real YOU!
What is your True Position in Life, at this Moment of Widening Economic Divide? Not what you dream of, but what you really are.
Are you a Real King or Prince? Or Regular Folk?
Now get your Sword, and Ride.
Do you fight for the Monopoly Corporate Kings, or for the Regular People?
You have to pick a side. NOW, before it’s too late.
You can’t be an Independent Voter, think you’re a King, and Straddle the Fence any longer, picking whichever Party that benefits you temporarily. You have to pick a long term view, and pick who will fight for your interests in the long run, and then you have to fight that long term fight.
Which Party Traditionally Helps the Little People? What Party Is the Country Club of the Rich?
If you are one of the “Little People”, what Party will give you Affordable Heath Care, a clean environment, financial protection from giant monopoly Corporations, and fight for Fairness among all Classes? Only the Democrats traditionally do this. The Republicans sadly, and traditionally, only Defend the Rich.
My advice to you is this. If you are not rich enough to quit your job, right now, and live comfortably, for the rest of your life, on just what you own now, you my friend, are NOT Rich. You are NOT part of the King Class, and you are unfortunately, just Regular Folk. Sorry to break the news to ya. Your shit stinks, just like the rest of us.
If you are part of the Regular People now, and you Support the Republican Party that Helps only the Rich, because you think you are GOING to be RICH SOMEDAY, and if you don’t become Rich, then I will tell you that you were a fool. And you bet on the wrong side.
You may be gambling that you will get rich someday, and then you will be able to say “fuck everybody else, they are not my problem.”
And I’m saying, that hijacking the government with corporate Lobbyists, and then writing all the rules in favor of the rich, and then hoping to get rich quick, is NOT the American Way, and is Not Fair.
In my view, there is a Fundamental Difference, between my Definition, and your definition, of Liberty, Justice, and Fairness, FOR ALL.
I say Liberty, Justice, and Fairness, for ALL. Not just for the rich, with a little economic justice left over for everybody else. I believe in a Fair System, that Shares the pie Baked by all, that shares the rewards fairly, among all who had a hand in baking the pie.
Our founders said, “No taxation without representation”. I say now “No taxation without fair participation in the reward for helping to bake the pie”.
The founders were saying, you don’t get to use us, without our say in how the money is spent. I say the SAME thing, “You don’t get to use us, the regular folks, without letting us have a fair share of the reward for helping you make money. Paying us peanuts, while the CEO makes 400 million, is Not a FAIR Deal.”
And if you can’t see that, then you should get on a boat, and leave the country. Back to a dictator land, that our Founding Fathers, left behind.
So when you go and Vote, remember, Republicans help Rich People. Democrats try to help all classes, not just the rich.
Now, what are you?
What Are You? King or Princess? Or Regular Folk?
Are You Rich, or not?
Pick a side.
And fight for what you really are.
Think hard, because the Rich are Winning. They are Reversing everything the Regular People Struggled for in this Country, over the last 235 years.
If you are not rich, and you vote for the Republican Party that traditionally Defends the Rich, you will make your “Regular People” life worse, than it already is now.
Do you think the Republicans will make your life Better ? Why?
Or do you think the Democrats will make your life Better? Why?
Just exactly how, will each Party, make your Life Better, or Worse?
Is there anybody out there, who can answer that?
The Democrats better know the answer to these Questions, or they will really lose big in November’s 2010 elections.
A Soft, Wet, Brown Paper Bag! And I Ain’t Talkin’ About My Balls Here!
The Democrats don’t just have High Unemployment and a Job Creation Problem, all caused by the Republican “Finance Deregulation” Binge over the last 8 Bush years, they also have an Unclear Communications Problem.
Their ideas may be good, but they can’t seem to find the balls, or the clarity of thought, to communicate their way out of a wet paper bag.
It all reminds me of the movie, “The China Syndrome”, that opened a week or two before the 3 Mile Island nuke plant in Pennsylvania melted down just a wee bit, where Jack Lemon, the tired, Whistle blower, nuke power plant scientist, finally gets on camera to explain the Danger to the People, and because he’s so tired, he sounds like a discombobulated, whacked out Nut, who COULDN’T EXPLAIN HIS WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG!
All this Harvard, Legal Beagle Brain Power, in the White House, and somehow the EXPLANATORY Power has EVAPORATED, INTO THIN AIR!
From Cool Hand Luke, “I think whut we have here, is a Communications Problem!”
The first rule of preacherhood is, “First you tell ‘em WHUT you’re gonna tell ‘em, THEN you tell ‘em, then you tell ‘em whut you JUST told ‘em!”
The Problem is, you gotta know WHAT you’re gonna Tell ‘em!
Got it, Buck Wheat?
Otay, Spanky!
Now, you got 100 days to tell ‘em, before the Elections!
UH-OH! Darla! Alfalfa! Spanky! Buck Wheat! We gotta have an Emergency Club Meetin’! Right away! At the Tree House! Even the girls can come! (Girls come?) We have a clubhouse Crisis! We don’t know whut to tell the Voters!
We don’t?
Nope, not a Clue!
Uh-Oh! We’re in Big Trouble!
I know, you can say that again!
Darla, you’re the Best!
I like you too Alfalfa!
Don’t tell Spanky!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Copyright © 2010. By Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Let’s see here! Co Moon ee Kate! Dat sound about right!
By George! I think he’s Got it!
The Rain in Spain, stays Mainly, in the Plain!
By Jingo, He’s got it!
* * *
Y’all come back!
Bernard’s a Lonely Feller!
Whackity whackity whackity!
* * *
Daisy, daisy!
Do You think I’m Crazy?
I’m NOT CRAZY!
I’m Bi-Molar!
Chew on that.
Oh, Yeah, BABY! Chew on it!
SPLOOOBPP! Sploonsh! Spuunshy!
Oh, Yeah!
If that don’t Whiten up your teeth, Baby, nothing will.
Whiter than white! Stronger than Squirt!
Now Swirl it around, smile at me, then swallow it!
That’s what I call being a Real Woman!
Any Sexual Role Playing, is Worth playing Well!
* * *
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Turkey Upset With Israel Over Relief Ship Killings! But Forgets Armenian Genocide! Oops! Never Mind!
My Dear Watson! I Believe This Is an Obvious Case of Selective Memory!
Why, My Dear Holmes?
Because Watson, It Appears the Rude and Basking Blood Hound, of Slaughters Past, Is Afoot! Bounding Across the Mossy Plain, in Mainly Rainy Spain!
No! But Holmes, What Does a Foot Have To Do With It?
Never Mind, Watson! The Game Now Is Afloat! Grab Your Cape, and We Will Follow the Trail, To the Sticky Headwaters, At Its Source!
Good Show, Holmes! Bloody Good Show! I Say, A Bit of Excitement, Eh What, Old Chap?
* * *
[Back Home…in Happy Trails Estates.]
“But Mom! He hit me First!”
“Go to your room! You have to learn how to get along with your Brother!”
“I hate him! He’s not my Brother!”
“If you say that again, I’m going to put Soap in your mouth!”
“Oh, Poop!”
“That’s It! Go to your room! You just wait till your Father gets home, you disobedient little brat!”
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Oh dem Bones, dem bones!
Do you want some White Meat, or Dark Meat?
I’ll take Stuffing! With mashed potatoes, and Gravy!
* * *
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Y'all come back now! We got white, and dark meat!
Yeah, we lovin' it all up!
* * *
Mom?
Yes, dear?
What’s an R…R…Armenian?
Shhh! Nobody knows!
Do the turkeys know?
Shut up, and eat your soup!
Is a Geno…geno…cide, a lot like a Pesticide, for your lawn, you know, for weeds?
Just put your clothes on, and get dressed, or we’ll be late for Church, Temple, or Mosque, or whatever religion is the only correct one.
Okay, Mom. I sure hope we pick the right religion today! I don't wanna die because of God!
Well, if you do die, it will be because God didn't want you to Live! He had other plans for you, like dying!
Oh. I sure hope his other plans are gooder than dyin'.
* * *
Why, My Dear Holmes?
Because Watson, It Appears the Rude and Basking Blood Hound, of Slaughters Past, Is Afoot! Bounding Across the Mossy Plain, in Mainly Rainy Spain!
No! But Holmes, What Does a Foot Have To Do With It?
Never Mind, Watson! The Game Now Is Afloat! Grab Your Cape, and We Will Follow the Trail, To the Sticky Headwaters, At Its Source!
Good Show, Holmes! Bloody Good Show! I Say, A Bit of Excitement, Eh What, Old Chap?
* * *
[Back Home…in Happy Trails Estates.]
“But Mom! He hit me First!”
“Go to your room! You have to learn how to get along with your Brother!”
“I hate him! He’s not my Brother!”
“If you say that again, I’m going to put Soap in your mouth!”
“Oh, Poop!”
“That’s It! Go to your room! You just wait till your Father gets home, you disobedient little brat!”
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Oh dem Bones, dem bones!
Do you want some White Meat, or Dark Meat?
I’ll take Stuffing! With mashed potatoes, and Gravy!
* * *
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Y'all come back now! We got white, and dark meat!
Yeah, we lovin' it all up!
* * *
Mom?
Yes, dear?
What’s an R…R…Armenian?
Shhh! Nobody knows!
Do the turkeys know?
Shut up, and eat your soup!
Is a Geno…geno…cide, a lot like a Pesticide, for your lawn, you know, for weeds?
Just put your clothes on, and get dressed, or we’ll be late for Church, Temple, or Mosque, or whatever religion is the only correct one.
Okay, Mom. I sure hope we pick the right religion today! I don't wanna die because of God!
Well, if you do die, it will be because God didn't want you to Live! He had other plans for you, like dying!
Oh. I sure hope his other plans are gooder than dyin'.
* * *
Busted Blow Valve On Drill Rig, Causes Botched Blow Job, and Failure to Swallow Up Sticky Gusher!
BP Blames Bad Blow Performance, On It’s Rig Maintenance Partner!
“Be Pee” Called Incontinent, On U.S. Continent. BP Tries To Cap Leak with Plastic “Reservoir End” Big Boom Condoms, In Effort To Stop Oil Impregnation, of U.S. Virgin Wetlands!
BP Premature in Long Term Reliability Claims! It Mishandles It’s Rig, Fails to Properly Hold Back Accidental Spill, and Gushes All Over Fertile Chicks, and Their Wetland Areas! Fishing and Tourist Industries Shut Down, as Sticky Stain Spreads.
Virgin Nesting Areas Fouled By Oozing Goo! Innocent Chicks, Surprised By Gusher, Dive Headlong Into Sticky Spray!
Slippery, Sticky Seamen, and Dispersal Detergents, Combine To Try and Soak Up the Massive, and Continuing To Come, Stain.
When asked what is their latest strategy for cleanup, BP had just one word to say, “Depends.”
When pressed for more options on how to stop the gusher on the seabed, BP said, “We may have to get all the way down on our bottom, and put one of our smaller, tighter tubes on it, and then suck on it as hard as we can, till we lap it all up!”
BP trotted out it’s oozing PR man, Lord Gushwell, who said BP was “moving forward”, or more likely, “Thrusting” Forward, and is changing it’s name from “British Business Prick”, to either, “The Beautiful People”, or the “Butt Position”.
When pressed for an end to the sticky business, the BP PR man said, “Look, this is a Suck Job! All we can do from this point on, from this end of the Big Gushing Wellhead Pipeline, is to keep a Stiff Upper Lip, and not lose a grip on our throbbing, vein popping heads!”
Lord Byrong “Gushy” Gushwell, with his assistant, Baron “Poopsi” Von Octane, went on to say, “If we keep all hands off the poop deck, and Hard On our stiff, banging and ruddy rudder, thereby maintaining our present course and speed, keep our bloody Mainmast up, hope our Wind holds out and keeps Blowing in the right Direction, and if we think hard enough of our Duty to the Queen, and Pray that all our Frothy Seamen will Come Out winningly, and royally, in the end, then this thick Oily Ejaculation in our Seabed will maybe, finally, dribble to a full, Final, and Flaccid Stop, and we’ll be able to pull out of this tight, tarty, and sticky wicket hole we’re in!”
His other assistant, Lady Duchess Airedale Vixen Huffenpuff Von Dusseldorf, nodded her tight English face, in Unanimous and Total Agreement, and added, “All things in due time.” Poopsi and Gushy both said in unison “Here, here!”
Seated in the audience at the press briefing, Reporter Becky Stumpelmeyer, of Ohio, Kansas, or Greenville, South Carolina, a first year virgin cub reporter, fainted, and fell into a slump, in Clark Denks throbbing crotch, who just happened to be thinking about the Effect the Big Spill would have on his favorite creature, the Humpback Whale.
Her open mouth fell over the rounded end of Clark’s bulging, lightly lubricated, knobby escutcheon, that was puffing up, and staining the crotchel area, of Clark’s fine flannel pants. As her glistening red Mouth capped his wellhead pipeline protrusion, Clark gasped, and like a whale spouting air, leaned back, and let out a long, deep, MOAAN.
He looked down, saw her red petroleum boom lips clamp down on his towering and oily rig, and while gently brushing her soft smooth hair with his hand, he then throbbingly,and forcefully, Ejaculated, into her Gaping, Open Mouth.
Three long pulses, whooshed upwards, until his Deep, Gushing, Primal Ocean Rig, was Spent.
Reporter Rebecca Stumplemeyer, trainee for InterCuntinental Foxy Pox, the NoNooze Snooze Division, known as “Worldwide Pox Ooze”, remained Blissfully, unaware.
Sadly for Becky, Clark had poorly maintained his “rig”, and his anti-blowout valve had failed prematurely.
Her Virgin Red Toastline, was now forever despoiled, with Clark’s sticky, and automatic, Sperm Whale Oil.
* * *
Press Release, 2.0! Military Goes To Soupcon Three, Code Red!
The Pentagon said today that all fishing and tourist industries in the Gulf of Mexico would be shut down. From now on the Gulf will only be used for oil drilling, and as a secret anti-terrorist training ground. Congress will officially change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to “Black Water”.
The Air Force, Navy Seals, and UFO Trackers, will call it by the Code Name, “Low Octane Area 57”.
Mexico protested harshly, and said this was a case of “Ocean Profiling”, and throwing a Mexican Baby out with good bath water. Mexico vowed that from now on, it will be the oil addicted Gringos who will be called “the Greasers”, and not the hard working, proud, illegal Mexican immigrant!
The State of Arizona applauded the Gulf Shutdown by saying that anytime a Border is sealed off with Anti-Immigration Petroleum Goo, it’s a Good Thing for Law Enforcement Policy. “Anything coated in Brown Oil, whether it’s birds or people, will be easier to Spot as illegal Mexicans!”, said Arizona Republican Governor, Lovey O’Leavitt, and Tucson Sheriff K.K.K. DoRight.
Republicans immediately offered a Senate Bill for the Gulf called “Cap, Trade, Pollute, and Dilute”, where oil spills in one part of the Gulf, would be mixed with, offset, and diluted by cleaner water in another part of the Gulf. Businessmen immediately cheered it as Progress.
The secretive Black Water Corporation, after changing it’s name to “Z”, said it will now change its name back to “Viva La ZP”, or simply “Zap-At-Ya.” Mexico was not amused, and the Mexican Historical Society immediately Protested, saying it was an insult to Emiliano Zapata’s good name.
In London, BP announced it will change it’s name to “British Prophylactics”, sounding vaguely pharmaceutical, and like safe sex for unplanned spills. Shares in Trojan Condoms went up as Wall Street expected a merger, or hostile takeover. The Trojan Board of Directors said a merger was not a “good fit”, and a hostile takeover would not be an “easy slip on, either”.
The New York High Fashion Institute said it will begin selling an Oil Resistant Beachwear line, with non-slip soles, on all flip flops, sandals, and low heels, and in five colors: Survival Orange, Emergency Strobe White, Blackened Unidentified Sea Creature, Bloated Dead Fish, and Angry Bubba Republican.
New York City network morning TV shows, will do fashion and cooking segments, on the new line. Gourmet food writers are now calling Gulf Seafood, “Self Basted Louisiana Style”, or simply, “New Foul”.
Gay fashion designers are offering new Synthetic Bird Feather outfits, and runway models are learning to do the “Oil Encrusted, Dying, Flouncing, Bird Flop Walk”. Fashion Mags are gushing over the New Look, calling it Post Industrial.
Sales of the new Louisiana hair product, “Gulf Gel” by Hair Dressage, are way up at Salons across Manhattan.
“Overall,” said Mayor Loonberg, “oil spills are good for Business, and what’s good for business, is Good for America, especially the Giant Monopoly Unorthodox Banks.”
Recyclers Anonymous, Inc., located in Tabasco, Louisiana, said today they will scoop up oily beach sand, and sell it as a Sun Tan Lotion and Abrasive Skin Defoliant, in Light Red, Mocha, and Dark Chocolate Strengths, with three levels of Sun Protection Factor: Ten thousand, 1 million, and Infinity. Their slogan will be, “Smear It On, a Little Dab Will Do Ya! Get That Oil Toned Tan Today!”
The National Science Institute said they have discovered the basics of Dolphin Language, and the dolphins in the Gulf are really pissed.
The Rich White Man Republican Corporate Party offered to create a special “Native Dolphin Reservation Zone”, with a Casino, an Underwater Ride Theme Park, and a Hard Rock Café. It will be called the “White Man Dolphin Manifest Destiny Treaty.”
The Dolphins will be forced to learn English, give up their native underwater customs, convert to Christianity, and wear goggles when on a Vision Quest.
The dolphins said if we threw in some old blankets, and whiskey, they’d take the Deal.
* * *
Press, Then Release, 2.2! Oh, Yeah, Baby! Now Press It Again!
BP announced it would hire thousands of illegal Mexican immigrant workers, to clean up the Gulf oil spill, and will call them “Water Landscapers”, or “Water Color Specialists”. Their leaf blowers will be called, “Ocean Mulch Blowers”.
Each worker will be equipped with special inflatable shoes, that will allow them to float on the water, and the world will know them as, “Jesus, the Mexicans who Walk on Water.”
Jews responded by saying, “Jesus really didn’t walk on water, he was just a Normal Guy cleaning up an Oil spill, a long time ago. You see, he poured the oil into the water, to kill the fish, so they would float to the surface, and he could feed the people, and claim it was a miracle. Jesus was really just a minor Magician.”
God, in a fit of Old Testament Anger, promptly Re-Condemned the Jews to Wander the Earth till the End of Time. God went on to say, “Now that the Jews have Achieved Great Success in America, they will now be Doomed to make crappy insipid rock music and horrible cartoon movies, and to repeatedly burn down Wall Street, after having invented the game, ‘Crazy Jew Banker’”.
After consulting with their Wall Street Rabbis, their board of “bored advisors”, the well known Wall Street Investment Bank, “Gold Men in Slacks”, said today it will handle the Initial Public Stock Offering, of a new Kosher Cache High Fashion Menswear Company called “Jew Boy”.
They will make a very expensive line of Gold Pinstriped Business Suits called “The Monopoly Banker”, made entirely of Gold, and an even more expensive line of Striped Prison Suits, called “The Business Felon”, made mostly of lawyers fees.
Less expensive middle lines will be called, “The Amoral Accountant”, and the “MBA”, also known as the “Master Bastard Asshole”.
The least expensive middle line, will be called, “The PR Zombie”, made of shiny plastic “Moving Forward Fabric.”
Their basic starter lines, will be called “The Corporate”, and the “B-Schooler.”
A Nomex Fireproof Suit, called the “Dare Devil”, made of “fine Faust fiber”, will be available, just in case Hell does Exist. It is to be worn underneath all the other available suits, as a backup plan, in case “The Deal” falls through.
The new menswear company will be part of a super secret, super powerful, Multi National Corporate Capitalist Cult, beholden to No One, except to The Holy Universal Master, the Supreme and Ultimate, Secret Profit of the Business Universe.
Amen.
Oops! Excuse me! I meant to say, “Mammon”.
Of course, when you consider the single minded, hate filled intolerance of the Fundamental Religious Right, you can throw the “Amen” back in there.
Both the “Ameners”, and the “Mammoners”, are doing their God Damned Best, to fuck up the World.
* * *
Press For Release, 3.0
Taco Bell said today that BP could use it’s Bells as a way to cap the oil leaks in the Gulf. All Taco Bells immediately came out with new menu items: “The Taco Spiller”, the “Big Gulf”, the “Oil Fried Chihuahua”, and the “Chocolate Burrito”.
The Mexican Chihuahua Society immediately protested.
The “Asian Man Boy, Dog Lovers, Gourmet Chinese Restaurant Association” said it would offer Doggy Burgers, fried in thick, manly, BP “Big Prick” Sauce, in a tight wiener Bun, on a special “Woofy Value Menu”. Their slogan? “Don’t knock it, if you haven’t tried it! It’s Mmm, Mmm, Dog lickin’ Good!”
Today’s Special? Chopped, fried Dog Balls, with pussy whipped Hysterectomy Sauce, and wimpy “Yes Dear” Noodles.
What’s it called?
“The Corporate Special”.
Ya gotta love it! We got a really BIG, OVER Supply of it!
Chow down, Pal! The Corporations are gonna make you “Eat it”, whether you want to, or not!
OPEN WIDE! HERE IT COMES!
SPLURT! SPLUURRT! SPLOOORT!
YEAH, BABY! CORPORATIONS “DO IT TO YOU” BETTER!
TASTES GOOD, DOESN’T IT!
“Trust the businessman!”
Whoever thought that one up, was high as a kite. One more piece of discredited Conservative Bullshit.
How about this?
CORPORATIONS FUCK YOU BETTER!
Now We’re Cookin’!
Right on Target!
SEE? ARE YOU CATCHING ON YET, LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD?
Or, are you still in the “Virgin Innocence Phase” of, “My! What a Big Dick YOU have!” said Little Red Riding Hood, to the Big Bad Wolfie!
And the Wolf said, “The Better to Fuck You with, My Dear!”
“My! What Big Lips, and Teeth, and Tongue YOU have!” said Little Red Riding Hood!
“YES! The Better to EAT you with, my Dear! Now, let’s ALL GO TOGETHER, to Grandma’s House for Dinner!”
“Oh, Goody! That sounds like a Swell Idea! Come on, Toto! We’re definitely not in Kansas anymore!”
And Dorothy was Never to be seen again!
Where did she GO?
Oh, the POOR Thing! Bless her sweet heart! She was RAPED, by the Giant Corporation!
And the Legal Settlement?
There wasn’t much of one, due to GOP Tort Reform!
Did she get Justice?
Sorry, we don’t really know, becuz the settlement was, “UNDISCLOSED!”
Only the Lawyers know!
Signed,
Faint Bernard
The Old Man, and his let’s See…
I think I got a hem in my way…
Copyright © 2010. By Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
* * *
Are them jokes like poetry, or whuut?
“Herewith, you will know me by my new name thru out the Land! Poetronamist, of Slambonium! The Poet To Emperor Seizure! All Hail Seizure! May He Forever Rule the Roamin’ Empire!”
“All Oil Clogged Arteries lead to Uncontrolled Food Roam, and to the refrigerator in your Home! Roam, and Our American Transfat Oil Addicted Obesity “Prone”, was not built in a day! So sayeth, Poetronamist, of Slambonius! Hail Seizure! Redistribute the Stolen Corporate Wealth, and give Food Health back to the People!
And remember, “Nero Fiddled, while Rome Burned!” Or, “Near One Diddled, a Roamin’ Bone Burned, or piddled!” There, happy now?
And Baby, My Bone is HOT, for YOU! SSSSSSssssss!
Ready to BLOW!
Steaming HOT!
Ah-oo-gah! Dive! Dive! All hands below Deck! The Captain is Coming! Take her down to full periscope depth! Rig for Depth Charge! All ahead FULL!
Prepare to Fire Torpedoes!
Fire control! Hold Steady!
I’m bearing down! I’ve got a good angle on her bow! Mark!
Fire One! BAM!
OH, YEEAHH!
Fire TWO! BAMMM!
Hot Cheewawa, Babeeee! OOOH La-La!
Fire THREE! BAAAMM!
WHOAHHH, Baby! GERONIMO!
Torpedoes hot and running, Skipper!
Sound of a High Speed Surface Screw, Skipper!
Periscope down!
Flood the Ballast Tanks! Take her down fast, full angle on her bow! All ahead full! Rig her for Silent Running!
Take her below the satin, cashmere, flannel, woolen Thermal Layer.
Engine room, All Stop!
Aye, aye, Skipper!
Bing! Bing!
Blubble, wubble, blurble, wurble!
Ka-Chunk!
We’ll rest on her nice fat bottom, until we’re ready to come up again, and reload our Torpedo Tube, in about half an hour.
Aye, Captain!
Could you see anything, Skipper?
No, there was some kind of Oil, or KY Jelly, all over my periscope peephole!
That’s too bad, Skipper!
Yeah, but I think we knocked up a bunch of big beautiful English Birds, banged a whole lotta American Chicks, and we really impregnated a Huge, Unspoiled, Virgin Wetland with sticky, gooey Oil!
It’s a shame, her Wetland will never be the same, and may require plastic prophylactic containment booms, soap showers, and a crew to clean up her White Virgin Surfaces, and get the memory of the sticky, oily balls off her.
Too bad she had to learn the Hard Way, Skipper!
Yeah, but somebody’s gotta do it! Sometimes, you just gotta Ram the Lesson Home! That’s the only way they really Learn!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now!
Git yer Bone on!
And for you lovely Ladies, “Time to Git On a Bone!”
Or, at least Dream about it!
Oooh, Bernardy, your Bone is SO Dreamy!
Can I kiss your Bone?
Can I ride it, ALL the way Home?
I can’t Contain it no longer, Moofy, here comes the BIG BOOM!
Oh, My! What a Big, Pretty, Oily Gushing Rig! And All over Mama’s Big, Wide Open, Slick, Fertile, WET GULF!
Mama just loves a deep, big, slick, wet, gushing, Drill Rig!
Drill me, Baby, Drill me!
* * *
“Be Pee” Called Incontinent, On U.S. Continent. BP Tries To Cap Leak with Plastic “Reservoir End” Big Boom Condoms, In Effort To Stop Oil Impregnation, of U.S. Virgin Wetlands!
BP Premature in Long Term Reliability Claims! It Mishandles It’s Rig, Fails to Properly Hold Back Accidental Spill, and Gushes All Over Fertile Chicks, and Their Wetland Areas! Fishing and Tourist Industries Shut Down, as Sticky Stain Spreads.
Virgin Nesting Areas Fouled By Oozing Goo! Innocent Chicks, Surprised By Gusher, Dive Headlong Into Sticky Spray!
Slippery, Sticky Seamen, and Dispersal Detergents, Combine To Try and Soak Up the Massive, and Continuing To Come, Stain.
When asked what is their latest strategy for cleanup, BP had just one word to say, “Depends.”
When pressed for more options on how to stop the gusher on the seabed, BP said, “We may have to get all the way down on our bottom, and put one of our smaller, tighter tubes on it, and then suck on it as hard as we can, till we lap it all up!”
BP trotted out it’s oozing PR man, Lord Gushwell, who said BP was “moving forward”, or more likely, “Thrusting” Forward, and is changing it’s name from “British Business Prick”, to either, “The Beautiful People”, or the “Butt Position”.
When pressed for an end to the sticky business, the BP PR man said, “Look, this is a Suck Job! All we can do from this point on, from this end of the Big Gushing Wellhead Pipeline, is to keep a Stiff Upper Lip, and not lose a grip on our throbbing, vein popping heads!”
Lord Byrong “Gushy” Gushwell, with his assistant, Baron “Poopsi” Von Octane, went on to say, “If we keep all hands off the poop deck, and Hard On our stiff, banging and ruddy rudder, thereby maintaining our present course and speed, keep our bloody Mainmast up, hope our Wind holds out and keeps Blowing in the right Direction, and if we think hard enough of our Duty to the Queen, and Pray that all our Frothy Seamen will Come Out winningly, and royally, in the end, then this thick Oily Ejaculation in our Seabed will maybe, finally, dribble to a full, Final, and Flaccid Stop, and we’ll be able to pull out of this tight, tarty, and sticky wicket hole we’re in!”
His other assistant, Lady Duchess Airedale Vixen Huffenpuff Von Dusseldorf, nodded her tight English face, in Unanimous and Total Agreement, and added, “All things in due time.” Poopsi and Gushy both said in unison “Here, here!”
Seated in the audience at the press briefing, Reporter Becky Stumpelmeyer, of Ohio, Kansas, or Greenville, South Carolina, a first year virgin cub reporter, fainted, and fell into a slump, in Clark Denks throbbing crotch, who just happened to be thinking about the Effect the Big Spill would have on his favorite creature, the Humpback Whale.
Her open mouth fell over the rounded end of Clark’s bulging, lightly lubricated, knobby escutcheon, that was puffing up, and staining the crotchel area, of Clark’s fine flannel pants. As her glistening red Mouth capped his wellhead pipeline protrusion, Clark gasped, and like a whale spouting air, leaned back, and let out a long, deep, MOAAN.
He looked down, saw her red petroleum boom lips clamp down on his towering and oily rig, and while gently brushing her soft smooth hair with his hand, he then throbbingly,and forcefully, Ejaculated, into her Gaping, Open Mouth.
Three long pulses, whooshed upwards, until his Deep, Gushing, Primal Ocean Rig, was Spent.
Reporter Rebecca Stumplemeyer, trainee for InterCuntinental Foxy Pox, the NoNooze Snooze Division, known as “Worldwide Pox Ooze”, remained Blissfully, unaware.
Sadly for Becky, Clark had poorly maintained his “rig”, and his anti-blowout valve had failed prematurely.
Her Virgin Red Toastline, was now forever despoiled, with Clark’s sticky, and automatic, Sperm Whale Oil.
* * *
Press Release, 2.0! Military Goes To Soupcon Three, Code Red!
The Pentagon said today that all fishing and tourist industries in the Gulf of Mexico would be shut down. From now on the Gulf will only be used for oil drilling, and as a secret anti-terrorist training ground. Congress will officially change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to “Black Water”.
The Air Force, Navy Seals, and UFO Trackers, will call it by the Code Name, “Low Octane Area 57”.
Mexico protested harshly, and said this was a case of “Ocean Profiling”, and throwing a Mexican Baby out with good bath water. Mexico vowed that from now on, it will be the oil addicted Gringos who will be called “the Greasers”, and not the hard working, proud, illegal Mexican immigrant!
The State of Arizona applauded the Gulf Shutdown by saying that anytime a Border is sealed off with Anti-Immigration Petroleum Goo, it’s a Good Thing for Law Enforcement Policy. “Anything coated in Brown Oil, whether it’s birds or people, will be easier to Spot as illegal Mexicans!”, said Arizona Republican Governor, Lovey O’Leavitt, and Tucson Sheriff K.K.K. DoRight.
Republicans immediately offered a Senate Bill for the Gulf called “Cap, Trade, Pollute, and Dilute”, where oil spills in one part of the Gulf, would be mixed with, offset, and diluted by cleaner water in another part of the Gulf. Businessmen immediately cheered it as Progress.
The secretive Black Water Corporation, after changing it’s name to “Z”, said it will now change its name back to “Viva La ZP”, or simply “Zap-At-Ya.” Mexico was not amused, and the Mexican Historical Society immediately Protested, saying it was an insult to Emiliano Zapata’s good name.
In London, BP announced it will change it’s name to “British Prophylactics”, sounding vaguely pharmaceutical, and like safe sex for unplanned spills. Shares in Trojan Condoms went up as Wall Street expected a merger, or hostile takeover. The Trojan Board of Directors said a merger was not a “good fit”, and a hostile takeover would not be an “easy slip on, either”.
The New York High Fashion Institute said it will begin selling an Oil Resistant Beachwear line, with non-slip soles, on all flip flops, sandals, and low heels, and in five colors: Survival Orange, Emergency Strobe White, Blackened Unidentified Sea Creature, Bloated Dead Fish, and Angry Bubba Republican.
New York City network morning TV shows, will do fashion and cooking segments, on the new line. Gourmet food writers are now calling Gulf Seafood, “Self Basted Louisiana Style”, or simply, “New Foul”.
Gay fashion designers are offering new Synthetic Bird Feather outfits, and runway models are learning to do the “Oil Encrusted, Dying, Flouncing, Bird Flop Walk”. Fashion Mags are gushing over the New Look, calling it Post Industrial.
Sales of the new Louisiana hair product, “Gulf Gel” by Hair Dressage, are way up at Salons across Manhattan.
“Overall,” said Mayor Loonberg, “oil spills are good for Business, and what’s good for business, is Good for America, especially the Giant Monopoly Unorthodox Banks.”
Recyclers Anonymous, Inc., located in Tabasco, Louisiana, said today they will scoop up oily beach sand, and sell it as a Sun Tan Lotion and Abrasive Skin Defoliant, in Light Red, Mocha, and Dark Chocolate Strengths, with three levels of Sun Protection Factor: Ten thousand, 1 million, and Infinity. Their slogan will be, “Smear It On, a Little Dab Will Do Ya! Get That Oil Toned Tan Today!”
The National Science Institute said they have discovered the basics of Dolphin Language, and the dolphins in the Gulf are really pissed.
The Rich White Man Republican Corporate Party offered to create a special “Native Dolphin Reservation Zone”, with a Casino, an Underwater Ride Theme Park, and a Hard Rock Café. It will be called the “White Man Dolphin Manifest Destiny Treaty.”
The Dolphins will be forced to learn English, give up their native underwater customs, convert to Christianity, and wear goggles when on a Vision Quest.
The dolphins said if we threw in some old blankets, and whiskey, they’d take the Deal.
* * *
Press, Then Release, 2.2! Oh, Yeah, Baby! Now Press It Again!
BP announced it would hire thousands of illegal Mexican immigrant workers, to clean up the Gulf oil spill, and will call them “Water Landscapers”, or “Water Color Specialists”. Their leaf blowers will be called, “Ocean Mulch Blowers”.
Each worker will be equipped with special inflatable shoes, that will allow them to float on the water, and the world will know them as, “Jesus, the Mexicans who Walk on Water.”
Jews responded by saying, “Jesus really didn’t walk on water, he was just a Normal Guy cleaning up an Oil spill, a long time ago. You see, he poured the oil into the water, to kill the fish, so they would float to the surface, and he could feed the people, and claim it was a miracle. Jesus was really just a minor Magician.”
God, in a fit of Old Testament Anger, promptly Re-Condemned the Jews to Wander the Earth till the End of Time. God went on to say, “Now that the Jews have Achieved Great Success in America, they will now be Doomed to make crappy insipid rock music and horrible cartoon movies, and to repeatedly burn down Wall Street, after having invented the game, ‘Crazy Jew Banker’”.
After consulting with their Wall Street Rabbis, their board of “bored advisors”, the well known Wall Street Investment Bank, “Gold Men in Slacks”, said today it will handle the Initial Public Stock Offering, of a new Kosher Cache High Fashion Menswear Company called “Jew Boy”.
They will make a very expensive line of Gold Pinstriped Business Suits called “The Monopoly Banker”, made entirely of Gold, and an even more expensive line of Striped Prison Suits, called “The Business Felon”, made mostly of lawyers fees.
Less expensive middle lines will be called, “The Amoral Accountant”, and the “MBA”, also known as the “Master Bastard Asshole”.
The least expensive middle line, will be called, “The PR Zombie”, made of shiny plastic “Moving Forward Fabric.”
Their basic starter lines, will be called “The Corporate”, and the “B-Schooler.”
A Nomex Fireproof Suit, called the “Dare Devil”, made of “fine Faust fiber”, will be available, just in case Hell does Exist. It is to be worn underneath all the other available suits, as a backup plan, in case “The Deal” falls through.
The new menswear company will be part of a super secret, super powerful, Multi National Corporate Capitalist Cult, beholden to No One, except to The Holy Universal Master, the Supreme and Ultimate, Secret Profit of the Business Universe.
Amen.
Oops! Excuse me! I meant to say, “Mammon”.
Of course, when you consider the single minded, hate filled intolerance of the Fundamental Religious Right, you can throw the “Amen” back in there.
Both the “Ameners”, and the “Mammoners”, are doing their God Damned Best, to fuck up the World.
* * *
Press For Release, 3.0
Taco Bell said today that BP could use it’s Bells as a way to cap the oil leaks in the Gulf. All Taco Bells immediately came out with new menu items: “The Taco Spiller”, the “Big Gulf”, the “Oil Fried Chihuahua”, and the “Chocolate Burrito”.
The Mexican Chihuahua Society immediately protested.
The “Asian Man Boy, Dog Lovers, Gourmet Chinese Restaurant Association” said it would offer Doggy Burgers, fried in thick, manly, BP “Big Prick” Sauce, in a tight wiener Bun, on a special “Woofy Value Menu”. Their slogan? “Don’t knock it, if you haven’t tried it! It’s Mmm, Mmm, Dog lickin’ Good!”
Today’s Special? Chopped, fried Dog Balls, with pussy whipped Hysterectomy Sauce, and wimpy “Yes Dear” Noodles.
What’s it called?
“The Corporate Special”.
Ya gotta love it! We got a really BIG, OVER Supply of it!
Chow down, Pal! The Corporations are gonna make you “Eat it”, whether you want to, or not!
OPEN WIDE! HERE IT COMES!
SPLURT! SPLUURRT! SPLOOORT!
YEAH, BABY! CORPORATIONS “DO IT TO YOU” BETTER!
TASTES GOOD, DOESN’T IT!
“Trust the businessman!”
Whoever thought that one up, was high as a kite. One more piece of discredited Conservative Bullshit.
How about this?
CORPORATIONS FUCK YOU BETTER!
Now We’re Cookin’!
Right on Target!
SEE? ARE YOU CATCHING ON YET, LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD?
Or, are you still in the “Virgin Innocence Phase” of, “My! What a Big Dick YOU have!” said Little Red Riding Hood, to the Big Bad Wolfie!
And the Wolf said, “The Better to Fuck You with, My Dear!”
“My! What Big Lips, and Teeth, and Tongue YOU have!” said Little Red Riding Hood!
“YES! The Better to EAT you with, my Dear! Now, let’s ALL GO TOGETHER, to Grandma’s House for Dinner!”
“Oh, Goody! That sounds like a Swell Idea! Come on, Toto! We’re definitely not in Kansas anymore!”
And Dorothy was Never to be seen again!
Where did she GO?
Oh, the POOR Thing! Bless her sweet heart! She was RAPED, by the Giant Corporation!
And the Legal Settlement?
There wasn’t much of one, due to GOP Tort Reform!
Did she get Justice?
Sorry, we don’t really know, becuz the settlement was, “UNDISCLOSED!”
Only the Lawyers know!
Signed,
Faint Bernard
The Old Man, and his let’s See…
I think I got a hem in my way…
Copyright © 2010. By Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
* * *
Are them jokes like poetry, or whuut?
“Herewith, you will know me by my new name thru out the Land! Poetronamist, of Slambonium! The Poet To Emperor Seizure! All Hail Seizure! May He Forever Rule the Roamin’ Empire!”
“All Oil Clogged Arteries lead to Uncontrolled Food Roam, and to the refrigerator in your Home! Roam, and Our American Transfat Oil Addicted Obesity “Prone”, was not built in a day! So sayeth, Poetronamist, of Slambonius! Hail Seizure! Redistribute the Stolen Corporate Wealth, and give Food Health back to the People!
And remember, “Nero Fiddled, while Rome Burned!” Or, “Near One Diddled, a Roamin’ Bone Burned, or piddled!” There, happy now?
And Baby, My Bone is HOT, for YOU! SSSSSSssssss!
Ready to BLOW!
Steaming HOT!
Ah-oo-gah! Dive! Dive! All hands below Deck! The Captain is Coming! Take her down to full periscope depth! Rig for Depth Charge! All ahead FULL!
Prepare to Fire Torpedoes!
Fire control! Hold Steady!
I’m bearing down! I’ve got a good angle on her bow! Mark!
Fire One! BAM!
OH, YEEAHH!
Fire TWO! BAMMM!
Hot Cheewawa, Babeeee! OOOH La-La!
Fire THREE! BAAAMM!
WHOAHHH, Baby! GERONIMO!
Torpedoes hot and running, Skipper!
Sound of a High Speed Surface Screw, Skipper!
Periscope down!
Flood the Ballast Tanks! Take her down fast, full angle on her bow! All ahead full! Rig her for Silent Running!
Take her below the satin, cashmere, flannel, woolen Thermal Layer.
Engine room, All Stop!
Aye, aye, Skipper!
Bing! Bing!
Blubble, wubble, blurble, wurble!
Ka-Chunk!
We’ll rest on her nice fat bottom, until we’re ready to come up again, and reload our Torpedo Tube, in about half an hour.
Aye, Captain!
Could you see anything, Skipper?
No, there was some kind of Oil, or KY Jelly, all over my periscope peephole!
That’s too bad, Skipper!
Yeah, but I think we knocked up a bunch of big beautiful English Birds, banged a whole lotta American Chicks, and we really impregnated a Huge, Unspoiled, Virgin Wetland with sticky, gooey Oil!
It’s a shame, her Wetland will never be the same, and may require plastic prophylactic containment booms, soap showers, and a crew to clean up her White Virgin Surfaces, and get the memory of the sticky, oily balls off her.
Too bad she had to learn the Hard Way, Skipper!
Yeah, but somebody’s gotta do it! Sometimes, you just gotta Ram the Lesson Home! That’s the only way they really Learn!
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www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now!
Git yer Bone on!
And for you lovely Ladies, “Time to Git On a Bone!”
Or, at least Dream about it!
Oooh, Bernardy, your Bone is SO Dreamy!
Can I kiss your Bone?
Can I ride it, ALL the way Home?
I can’t Contain it no longer, Moofy, here comes the BIG BOOM!
Oh, My! What a Big, Pretty, Oily Gushing Rig! And All over Mama’s Big, Wide Open, Slick, Fertile, WET GULF!
Mama just loves a deep, big, slick, wet, gushing, Drill Rig!
Drill me, Baby, Drill me!
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