21st Century Power Tools! Hey Finance Boy! Tell Me Again How We Don't Need No "Regoolators", Cuz Them "Finanshal Markets Will Regoolate Themselves!"

Damn, Boy! You Sure Are a Stitch!

Hey Finance Boy! Over here! Yeah, me and the boys, well, we was wondering what you were drinkin' when you thought up that “Self Regoolatin’ Magic Market Theory”?

That must a been some mighty powerful likker you had, when you came up with that! Wow! What was it? Staten Island Ferry Diesel fuel? Chicago Business School River Water?

Come on over here, Finance Boy, and meet the boys! This is Earl, Virgil, Elton, and Goober!

Howdy! Howdy! Howdy! Hey!

Now me and the boys was wondering if you could stand there and say, out loud like, and straight into the Camera, "Finanshal Markets Regoolate Themselves", while Earl here takes a Picture on his Videophone, whatdaya say?

Uh,I dunno...

Come on, it'll be Fun! Like old times! The boys'll get a big kick out of it!

Okay.

Ready Earl?

Ready!

Okay...Shoot!

Uh-hmm…“Financial Markets Regulate themselves.” There, how's that?

(Hoots, hollers, and fits of uncontrolled Laughter.)

That was great! Now, try it one more time! You're lookin' real good!

Okay...wow, that wasn't so hard! I kinda liked it!

Uh-hmmm…“Financial Markets Self Regulate Themselves!” How's that?

Even better! You haven't lost your Midas Touch!

Course, me and the boys was thinkin'...

What's that?

Well, we was thinkin' that you New York City Jew Boys, should start sticking to that Space Science Stuff that you're really good at, you know, that Einstein Universe Gobbledy-Gook Big Bang Gravity Time Stuff. You boys have a lock on that, but this Plain Old, Earth Finance Stuff, well, you're startin’ to fuck up on it, if you know what I mean!

Yeah, you got that Einstein Jew Science down cold, but this here Regular Finance Stuff, man, you're losing your touch, boy, big time!

Yeah, all sorts of nickel and dime fees, big late charges, reedickalus interest rates, Way Too High Leverage, Big Time Speculation, No Regulation or Adult Supervision, Phony Ratings Agencies, Rampant Look the Other Wayism, whacked out Quantum Finance Physics Math, and way too many Big Bubbles coming out of big, fat Wall Street Asses! You get my Drift, Sailor Boy?

Yeah! It's fuckin' people up! Sucking the Life out of the Country!

Yeah...and you don't wanna create a Stereotype that Jews don't know what they’re doing when it comes to Finance! That wouldn't be good, at all! Uh-uh! No sir!

Yeah, man, no way! That would suck!

Geez...you know, I never thought of it that quite like that before! You could be on to something here!

Yeah, I'd be thinkin' about it if I were you, cuz it's good Public Relations, you know what I mean? And Stereotypes can be nasty bitches to live down!

Yeah! Look at the Italians, and that Mafia Thing, and the Jewish Finance Money Grubbing Thing, and all the Polish jokes, and hell, the Niggers are just one big Giant Stereotype! Dancin, and shakin their big ass, and goin Boom-Boom-Boom! Do those people even Speak English anymore?

And those Swedish Socialist Gay Dudes, always humping their Reindeer, sitting in a sauna, and then runnin naked in the snow!

And those Asians, always doing laundry, frying up cats and dogs, and bent over a pencil, studying their way to Success! No wonder their eyes are all Squinty!

Oh, I hear you! The question is, what can we, as “The Jewish People”, do?

Well, the balls kinda in your court, if you know whut I mean.

No, I don't.

Well, “your people” are the ones always spoutin' about the need for Justice, and Human Rats, and always goin to court to get new Laws and Regulations Against Cruel Treatment of Human Beings, especially the Mistreatment of Niggers, and workers, and poor people, and Second Class Inferior Females, and them Jew People, like in that Holler Cost you’re always Complaining about. Geez, all that shit starts gettin old after awhile! Can’t you Jews complain about something else for awhile, besides Injustice, and Holler Costs?

I still don't get it.

You gotta get yourself, “Your People”, under control, Boy!

Why?

Cuz you're actin' like some kinda wild, likkered up, out of control, redneck racist, Finance Lynch Mob, stringin’ people up, and hangin’ ‘em out to dry from a Finanshal Tree, for being a Nigger, a Jew, or a Subprime, Sub-Human Mortgage or Credit Card Holder!

You’re acting like some kind of Drunken, Wild West Posse, “The Crazy Jew Banker Gang”, The Gang That Couldn’t Bank Straight, The Fucked Up Financiers from Fresno, shootin up the Saloon, Burning down Nigger Town, and takin the rest of Main Street along with it!

And all this whacked out finance shit is infecting the banks, the insurance companies, regular companies, Wall Street, Main Street, and all of FUCKING AMERICA with it!

You’re SUCKING the LIFE OUT of the COUNTRY for some short term PROFIT, and selling the country down the river! And people start thinking, YOU DID IT! How else do I gotta explain it to ya? You’re REINFORCING the same old fucking Stereotype, and how STUPID is that, Einstein?

Hell, you might as well go back to wearing a Gold Star on your clothes, and a bank account number tattooed on your wrist, and say “Look at all the good we’re doing! Them Jews is at it again! Burning down a Finance Center near you! Come on down to the Finance Death Camp!”

Whether it’s True or Not, the story still sticks, reinforcing old stereotypes. And new ones as well.

You Jew Boys are sposed to be the smartest People on the Freakin’ Planet! But with this Finance Stuff, it’s starting to look like, “Uh-oh! Them Finance Jew boys just fucked up some more! One more Time, here we go Again!! You’re starting to look like you’re actually Slow to Catch On! Instead o bein the brainest people that ever lived! Do ya see whut I‘m sayin?

Course, Money is a Powerful Whore, and very Easy to meet! The Lure of the Whore will always be tempting the Stupid Dicks of Wall Street! And that’s why we need a “Christian, Capitalist, Cash Condom”, for those times when Republicans, right wingers, and religious Freaks, really should “Just Say NO!” Just Say No to the Capitalist Cash Ho! A Prudent Prophylactic, against Financial Disease!

Oh.

You see, you're just like the rest of Us. The Unwashed, the Unlucky, and the Uncircumcised.

How so?

You get some Power, and pretty soon, you're fuckin things up, just like everybody else, you know what I mean? Abusing Your Power!

Oh.

Yeah, you get your hands on a few control levers, and the next thing you know, you’re makin’ the same screw ups and mistakes as everybody else.

You’ve turned out just like the rest of fucked up Humanity. You’re no better, or worse. Give em a little Power, and they fuck up like all the rest. Give em an inch, they take a mile.

Power corrupts, even “the put upon, oppressed, oh so sensitive, chosen special, non-corruptible, Outsider Jews”. Once they’re on the Inside, you can’t tell em apart from the Old Insiders! Hey, “I was Just following Orders”, if you know what I mean! We’re the “New Germans!” Spelled with a J, as in, “Jerman!”

Gee, I didn’t realize! I’m, uh, really Sorry! Should I get you an Apology from the “Jewish People”?

Well, you don’t have to go to any Extremes, but you might look into buying fewer Glass Houses, if yer gonna throw Stones at us good old White Racists!

O-kay, fair enough!

There you go! Now your catching on! You Jew Boys are Smart! See, that’s all I’m saying, fairness for everybody! Not just for Jews or Rascists!

Uh, I think you got a point there.

So, how does it feel to be Jewish, and hold the Reigns of Power, to finally be “The White Man”?

I guess I never thought of it that way before. I kinda always thought I was white. What do you mean?

Well, in the past, you Jew Boys were the Oppressed, but now the shoe is on the other foot. Both feet. You da Man in Power now!

And we’re all gettin’ a front row look at your screw ups, you know whut I mean, boy? So let's clean up your Act a little. It’ll do wonders for how My People think about Your People, you know whut I’m sayin’?

And you see, you ain't off to a good start. For example, Burnin' down Wall Street in 2008 wasn't a real smart Move. And takin' down the Whole Economy along with it, wasn't exactly brilliant either.

It kinda makes My People think, when are YOU PEOPLE, gonna learn?

You know whut I’m sayin’, huh, do ya, Jew Boy?

I mean, you don’t want to turn back the clock, now do ya? After all this Progress we’ve made? That would be a Shame, now wouldn’t it?

Well, uh, you certainly have given me something to think about.

Well, You People always have been Smart Thinkers! Inventin’ A-Bombs and writin Plays and such! Only now, you’re startin’ to act just like everybody else!

Yep, not so special no more, just as fucked up as everybody else! How does it feel to be part of the botched and bungled Insider Gang, to be a part of the Oppressor Establishment, instead of always the Oppressed Outsider, pointing out everybody else’s shortcomings??

What would make you think we’re part of the Establishment, the Old Boy Power Network?

Well, damn boy, you done got your fingers in the pie of the two most critical Power Tools of the 21st Century!

And what might that be?

Shit boy! Are you the only Dumb Jew left on the Planet?

(Guffaws, hoots and hollers from the others.)

Of Course Not!

(Silence.)

But, uh, what ARE the Two most Critical Power Tools of the 21st Century?

(Explosions of Laughter. Goober falls on the floor, and rolls off the porch!)

Hee-Haw! You are just like one of us, ain’t he boys!

(Lots of snickers and snorts from Goober, Earl and Virgil. Elton, well, he’s off to the side, playin’ the pie-anny, some tune called “Candle in the Wind”.)

Okay, I give up, JUST WHAT, are the TWO, MOST IMPORTANT, POWER TOOLS, of the 21ST CENTURY? PUH-LEASE! With Sugar On Top!

Co-Muny-Cay-Shuns, and Fi-Nance! With them two, a Giant Corporate World could pretty much take over a Democracy, now couldn’t it?

(Dead Silence.)

(Long Pause.)

(Nobody moves an inch. For a startling, heart stopping Instant, Time appears unmoving, frozen to a Dead Stop.)

(You can hear a pin drop. Then wind, and rustling leaves. A lone wolf howl, off in the distance. Is this the way the World Ends, in the Silencing of Truth, on an ice cold snow covered field, buried under a Cacophony of Icy, rock hard Lies?)

(And then, with one little bloop, like a drop of water dripping from an icicle, Time restarts, speeding into forward motion again, with a Whoosh of Air sound.)

(WHOOSH! POINK! BLOOP!)

I, uh, I’m not sure I get what you mean.

Boy, did you just fall off the turnip truck, or what? Check him Boys, see if he’s still wet behind the ears!

Look, Giant Corporations get a pile of money from their Operations, and they work hand in hand with them New York Finance boys, then they send in the lobbyists to Congress, pay off all the politicians, get everything their way, make even more money, and meanwhile, the little people, the Voters, is kept in the dark, because the Giant Co-Muny-Cayshun Corporations, owned by other Giant Corporations, CONTROL THE STORY, THE INFO, THE “FACTS”, THE IMAGES, THE PROPAGANDA, THE BELIEFS OF THE PEOPLE!

What are you, Boy, a widget head? A Dumb Nigger? A Dumb Bunny? Is it really possible for a Jew to be this STUPID? I thought you was one of them Smart Jew Boys! Mama-mia, I can’t believe this Feller! I can tell you ain’t one of them Rocket Science Jew Boys!

Look, Sir! I’m still not sure I get this! I mean, this IS a little, well, EXTREME! You know, Kooky, UFO Spaceship Stuff, little greenmen from Mars, you know what I mean? Like, “woo-woo-wee-woo!”

Okay, Ira, or Harold, or whatever your Sissy Jew Boy name is, listen up! One more time, you can’t have a Real Democracy, if the Voters aren’t Informed, aren’t told the Facts and the Truth, and are kept in the dark, and then can’t make informed decisions on how to vote on important issues!

If the Corporations Control Huge Piles of MONEY, and use the money to control the STORY and the “Facts”, and “Create” a “Truth” they want you to Believe, and then use the Money to Control YOUR Politicians, and get them to do what the Giant corporations Want them to do, then you no longer are a part of the DEMOCRACY!

Oh.

You are OUT of the LOOP at that point! You’re Out Of THE GAME! You’re NO LONGER a PLAYER! They have side lined you, put you out of the game, on the bench, and not participating any more! GOT IT, BUMPKINHEAD? You ain’t a PLAYER NO MO! You just along fo dee Ride, and it could get mighty Bumpy!

Oh.

(Silence. Toe circles in the sand.)

Well, gee, I guess I should thank you gentlemen, for this New Perspective! I really had never thought of it this way before, until you pointed this out to me! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it! Really!

Ahh, don’t mention it, just tryin’ to hep out! Cuz I know that deep down, you Jew Boys are Basically a Good People! Even tho you are a little Strange, always counting your money, and makin’ them Hollywood Fornicator Movies, and not believing in Jesus and all!

But I forgive ya, cuz I’m a Christian! We try to help others with their Faults!

Well, that’s, uh, Mighty White of you!

Ah, don’t mention it! It’s nothin’! Just part of bein’ Christian! It’s one of our Better Qualities! I always felt You People never really deserved that there HollerCost. Hell, that was a bit extreme, even for me. Once they were done killin’ the Bad Jews, they could of at least let the Good Jews go Free! But just one small piece of Advice…

What’s that?

Go easy on them crappy Hollywood films, okay? All your doin’ is makin’ that Techno Wiz crap for kids! And go easy on that rap crap stuff, and that fucked up, out of key shit that tries to pass for white boy rock n roll these days. If you can do that, I’d be mighty obliged!

Hey! Okay! No sweat! I’ll see what I can do!

’Preciate it. I know you’ll do your best. Pass the Word. When you Jew Boys set your minds to sumthin’, you usually don’t leave any stones unturned.

Oh, and Jew Boy?

Yes?

MUZZLE TROUGH! And SHOW LONG, to ya! And have some of them YUMMY KIPPER fish, fried in bacon grease, for Christmas! And (wink-wink), don’t get too High on them thar Holy Days, cuz Pot ain’t too good for motivation, and the last thing we need is Unmotivated Jews! You got that, Jew Boy?

Yes, Sir!

Oh, and Jew boy?

Yes?

One more thing! I still love ya, even though ya did kill Jesus! There’s still hope for ya yet!

One day you may even start believing in the Real God, not that made up Jew God yer always prayin’ to! See, I believe in the Power of Prayer, so you don’t want to be wastin your Precious Prayer time on that Mohammed, or Yahweh dude, that’s just a dead end street! You see, the real God was this White Dude from Sweden, with blonde hair and blue eyes, not that kinky African shit.

Oh, I never really knew that! Thanks for setting me straight!

Now, them Jew Chicks are another story! A lot of them are not bad looking! I wouldn’t mind doing me a few of those! You know any good lookin’ Jew Chicks, huh, Jew Boy?

Maybe.

Can I still marry one, and have Hot Fornicator Sex, if don’t Convert? Or does that mean I’ll turn into an Infidel, and Burn in Hell?

Uh, I’m not sure.

Yeah, well, you let me know on that one! Maybe you could ask one of your Rabbit preachers!

Rabbit Preachers?

Yeah, you know, them Singing Rabbits in your Sin-o-Gods! You Jew People must feel awful guilty about something, naming your churches “Sin-o-Gods!”

That’s Synagogue! And it’s Rabbi Cantors!

Yeah, sure! Hey! I got me a lucky Rabbits foot I always carry around with me, and I was wondering…

What?

Well, it don’t sing or nothin’, but do ya think maybe it’s a Jewish Rabbit?


Signed,
Rabbi Faint Bernard, the non-denominational rabbit saint, which means we take dollars, yen, pounds, francs, you name it! And on a Bad Day, oi, we’ll even take German marks.

Top of the Mornin’ to Ya!
And a Fiddle-dee-dee on your roof top, as well!

Here, have a Bagel…and a little Schmeer! And be nice to your Motha! Where would you be, without “Huh”! (that’s New Yawk for “Her”). You’ll catch on.

* * *

At the New York Times Thought Control Department.

(Knock-knock.)

(A tiny little window in the door slides open, and an eyeball peeks out.)

Whaddaya want?

Can you Print this?

What, are you NUTS?

I’m just asking!

Get out of here! I got a newspaper to run! This ain’t news, this is Reality! We don’t Print Reality!

Why?

Do you think we’re CRAZY? We can’t print Reality, it’s TOO FUCKING REAL.

Why not?

How many times I gotta tell ya! We print news, not reality!

Now go away! You’re buggin’ me! I got work to do!

(Bam! Door slams. Sound of muffled voices, yelling.)

Print Reality! What flyin’ saucer is that guy on? I can’t fuckin’ believe that guy! Where do they get these people? My God, such a headache!

Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved, including my right to wear a Yar-Mooka, whenever my head is Cold! And in Russia, that’s A LOT! Whoa! I gotta go, here comes my Flyin’ Saucer!

Hang on, I gotta adjust my E-Meter! WOW! I just got an Image of Tom Cruise, sitting on the can, taking a crap, staring at Heaven, and wearing a Sea Captains Hat! Is that a miracle, or what?

* * *

I knew a Banker on Wall Street that played the Hanukah.

What? You mean the Harmonica!

No, I mean the Hanukah!

This is a joke, right, well, it’s not Funny!

I’m telling you, he played the Hanukah! But he finally stopped playing.

Why?

Because every time he did, Wall Street would Burn Down, and we would all get the BLUES!

Ba-Dum-BUMP! Cymbal CRASH! Take my Life Savings, PLEASE!

Believe it or not, I just made this Joke up! At 3:15 PM, December 09, 2009!

Is this an Anti-Semen Joke, or what? You need a Kleenex for this one! This one’s all over the place!

* * *

Well, I think that’s a wrap!

Should we send this to the New Yawk Times?

No, they’ll never print it.

Why?

Not enough Guts. Appeasement is the name of the Game. They have too many people to Appease. No point in standing up to the New Financial Tyrant. You’ve heard of Ethnic Cleansing? Well, this is called, Ethnic Pleasing.

Let’s go for lunch! There’s a new place on Wall Street, very popular.

What’s it called?

The Financial Crematorium.

Sounds Good! Let’s Go!

They have this delightful crème based Mortgage tortilla wrap, and bloody Sub-Prime Ribs!

Hmmm! Delicious!

Those Wall Street Boys really know their way around a Cooked Set of Accounting Books!

I’ll say!

Did you hear from now on, Wall Street is going to be regulated by the New York City Fire Department?

No, I didn’t hear that!

Yeah, the Fire Department has a much faster Response Time! They actually recognize Financial Fire when they see it! And they don’t hire Blind Financial Fireman! And with NYFD, as opposed to Wall Street, the Incentive is to put the fire out, before it burns down The Economy, and not add more bodies, and gasoline, for an extra brighter, flaming Ass Bonus!

It sounds like an entirely different Philosophy!

Yeah, one is Short Term, the other is Long Term!

What’s weird is the short term philosophy fucks a lot more people, and benefit’s a lot fewer!

I gotta think about that, I never thought about that before!

* * *

I once knew a Jewish banker on Wall Street, who played the menorah in a band, during Hanukah!

Wait a minute! You mean he played the Harmonica, during Hanukah?

No, he played with the menorah, but then he stopped.

Why?

Because every time he lit the menorah, he set on fire Some More Wall Street Manure, and burned down the house, and gave everybody the Blues!

So no one wanted him in the Band anymore?

No. Needless to say, his Musical Career was very short lived!

Yeah, guys like that are always going up in a Chimney of Smoke.

Kinda like a Financial “Off Switch”?

Yeah, like that. “Arbeit Macht Fire”, or “Work sets you on Fire!”, or, “Work burns down Wall Street!”

You’d think people like that would learn, after all the Hollering, the Costs, people getting Burned, and their Life Savings turned into a pile of Ashes!

Yeah, but I think “Never Forget”, never really works on Wall Street.

Do ya think maybe it’s something Genetic?

I don’t know, let’s ask Einstein, he was smart.

Apparently those other guys don’t seem to know.

[Ka-chunk! Spotlight off. Stage dark.]

* * *

At the Museum of Historical Authenticity, Gallery of Financial Red Ink. If You Don’t Know Your History, You’re Doomed to Repeat It! Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, If you Invest with Wall Street, You Could Go Bust!

Note to Future Time Capsule Boy!

File this under “Hanukah, 2008-9”: The consecration of the “New Wailing Wall” of Greed, at the Temple of the Money Changers, on Wall Street, in New Jewruthlessem, New Yawk City, USA, Planet Earth, Ford Galaxy 500.

Definitions: “Arbeit Macht Frei”, “work makes you free”. Slogan in the Gate at Auschwitz Death Camp. The New Wall Street translation is, “Work sets us all on Fire!”

Wailing Wall, the Wall where prayers are said for Lost Souls. Whaling Wall, the wall where fat Wall Street Whales, say prayers for lost Gold, and stereotypes are set in Stone.

* * *

www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com

Y’all comen zee Back now! You hear, Jew Boy?

Vee haff new Innovative ways to make you Invest your Life Savings, Ja?

It’s just a short train ride away! Trust me!
Vee wouldn’t lie to You, would we?

Look, I give you a really good price on GOLD, or anything else you got!
Come On! Whatdaya say? It’s a Good Deal!

Come on Down! To Morty’s Finance Camp Bazaar!

You’ll “NEVER FORGET” the Place! I Guarantee it!

You’ll derive so much satisfaction from the place, you’ll never forget the word DERIVATIVE again!

* * *

By Y’all! I gotta go drive around the block in my Racistmobile!

Ver-room! Ver-ROOM!

Rumble-Bumble-Mumble!

You wanna go for a Ride, in my Big Black Car?

I have a tiny little, pink cigar!

Put your lips right there, and suck on it! Now don’t that Taste Good? Hmmm!

Now that’s what I call drivin down the river, and deriving the maximum river, of derivative Satisfaction!

Don’t you agree, Cornfish?

If you keep suckin on dat, maybe my No Good, Dog gone Account will start Growing Again! Yass, Suh!

* * *

The "Health Care Deficit" is Republican "Code" to Whites! Saying "Higher Taxes Will Give FREE Health Care to NIGGERS, and Cost You Your Job!

There is one thing you learn when you move South, to one of the poorest counties in Florida, and start rubbing shoulders with the local blue collar dumb guy.

First of all, it’s not the LAND WHERE RACISM NO LONGER EXISTS. Not by a long shot.

Second, the poor white guys have had a long time for their resentment to simmer. The attitude still is, “Gubmint takes your Tax Dollars, gives them to The Niggers, so they can live for FREE!”

In “right to work for nothing” states, where businesses squeeze workers for every last ounce of sweat, you can imagine why a poor white guy on a low Republican Wage would resent seeing Niggers live for free, paid for with his tax dollars!

The Democrats started this with the Cadillac Welfare Queen, when their Compassion got the best of them, and they erred on the side of wanting to help out in the Ghetto, but not exactly knowing how.

Republicans, erring in return, spout “Tax Cuts will Fix Everything, including Aids, my little dick, and the lack of Jobs.” Meanwhile, both parties have shipped the Blue Collar Dumb Guy jobs to China, and Mexico.

(With a tax cut, an insecure Republican male can buy a big SUV, or down here, a LOUD pickup Truck, and make his little dick seem bigger. Women also think a Tax Cut makes a guy’s dick look bigger! With women, the more money you give them, the more they “LOVE” you! I think it’s because they are very Emotional, and Sensitive, and the Caretakers of the Relationship!)

Dems helped create the now well known “Culture of Welfare Dependence” in the ghetto, and Welfare Reform is one of the very few times that Republicans had it right. VERY FEW.

Usually, Extremist Republicans are on the wrong side of History. They have just about Resisted every new improvement in Human Progress that has come down the pike, always claiming the Improvement will make things worse. (Name ’em CornSprout! I dare ya! Just name One! Ya can’t, can ya, because all the improvements did make things worse!)

Usually the Improvement made things better for Most People, but made the Rich just a tiny bit less Rich.

But back to Southern, Blue Collar Dumb Guy Racism, and why the GOP is pounding away on the “Deficit Boogey Man Theme”.

The GOP is saying to the hard core, blue collar, Bitter Enders of America, “this health care bill will increase the Deficit, causing the Gubmint to Raise Taxes to pay for the Deficit, you will have Less Money in your pocket, the hated Niggers will get Health Care for Free, your Health Care will get worse, and then as a final Insult, businesses will have to lay you off because of the higher taxes on them, so you will LOSE your Job, THE NIGGERS will get FREE HEALTH CARE, and you will be Unemployed!” Got it?

In short, “if you vote for this health care bill, your Taxes will go way Up, you’ll Lose your Job, and, drum roll please, THE NIGGERS will go to the Doctor for FREE!”

That’s NuRepublican NuSpeak! See? It’s Easy as 1, 2, 3!

And you, my scraggly-toothed, Southern, Blue Collar Dumb Guy, will have to pull out your last tobacco stained brown tooth, with a pair of pliers, and perform heart surgery on your Granny, with a plastic hanger from Walmart! The wire kind, with the rubber sleeve, I find, is most pliable, and if washed, can be re-used!

Signed,
Faint (I Done Gots Me The Vapors) Bernard!

Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights, and tights, RESERVED!

If a guy in a pickup truck wore Tights, would it make his balls look Bigger? Maybe if he stuffed his jock with wads of Money? Wrapped his Cock with dollar Bills? Offered to buy the girl a House with all the dollars in his jock? Maybe if he say’s, “I don’t have much money, AND I got a little dick”, women will Love him Even More?

You never know what women think!

Or do ya?

One, two, three, four…

Racism: "Oh Romeo! What False Notes Doth a Biased Sample Bring! Be Careful Who You Amply Pundit! You May Say, That Sample is Not What I Wanted!"

I just watched The McNeil Lehrer Hour with Gwen "Eyefull" (She my meaty sweety! She Hot! She give good "Host"! Yum-yum!) on September 16, 2009.

Horrors! Old news? Maybe not! Downloading this column was delayed by other previous downloads, that I moved to the top of my priority list. Hang on, I better go to the men’s room, I feel another download coming on.

The panel discussed ex-President Carter’s claim that White Racism influenced the South Carolina Congressman, who yelled “Liar, liar, pants on Fire”, during President Omama’s Speech to Congress. Plus they tackled the Question, "Is racism behind a lot of right wing Angerrrrr. Grrr!"

Gwen's panel of upper middle class, bonk tank/ivory tower academics (Hey, who else ya' gonna call?) from leafy, Volvo Brand suburbs, and Hip Islands of Metro-Sexuality, all wearing rather Unique Outfits befitting their station in life, confidently "Winged It", and pronounced their Carefully Considered Judgement, some with casual ease, some while staring furiously into the camera, while others prudently, and delicately, navigated their course, with Princetonly Precision.

The Conclusion?

Racism no longer exists! Because...drum roll...we have come a long way Baby!

Halleleujah! Raise Mr. Linkum from the Dead! We're all E-Man-Zip-Pated Now!

No mo' Zip Coon, no mo darky town, for white folk to worry bout now! We have all been de-racified! (Except me...I dee Only one Lef!)

So, Mr. Market Research Man, is dee Glass half full, or half empty? What's it gonna be? Dis here White Boy want to know!

Eyes don't know, Cornwheat, but I sure is thirsty, and I dooz needs me a Drink! Preferably a big Stiff one, to hep me sees things better, and kill the pains! Cuz I think I just seen me a Ghost! A White Southern Racist Ghost! In a sheet! Ridin’ by on a horse! Or maybe it was a pickup truck with a loud muffler! I can’t believe how loud that Southern Style NoMuffler be!

I'll say! You look white as a Ghost! I think you better sit down!

Say, do yooz got any Moonshine, or Tequila, in dat der Meltin' Pot Research Bin? Dat hep out fo' a little while! Dem Gubmint Revenooers keep tryin' to tell me what to think, or drink! Yep! They done told me I can't be a Racist no more! Sheet! Damn! Don't that beat all!

Hell, where's my NASCAR Rebel Flag Hat? I think I'll go hide under that! And then nobody’ll know where I am!

* * *

Who Ya Gonna Call, Ghostbusters? How to Catch White Southern Racists, Using Just a TV Set! Point That Satellite Dish That Way, Earl, That'll Catch Him! Now All We Gotta Do is Broadcast Raw Lies, for Bait! We’ll Out FOX Him, and Catch Him for Sure! All We Need is a NETWORK, of FOX Traps!

Once upon a time, way back in the day, there was a famous "Fo-Pah" (faux pas, that’s Frenchie, for social mistake) committed by Political Pollsters.

They called a large number of people on the telephone, and asked them what Presidential Candidate they were going to vote for in the National Election. The Democrat, or the Republican?

The problem was, at that time in U.S. history, very few people had a telephone. I know that's hard to believe with most people today walking around with a telephone strapped to their penis, asking mom what to buy for dinner at the supermarket. Alot of expensive minutes for, "Mom, should we have chicken nuggets, or fish nuggets?"

At that time, the only people who could afford a telephone were usually well off Republicans, and they were naturally going to vote for the Republican candidate.

Very few Democrats were called. Why? Because they couldn't afford a telephone, silly!

I can tell your Clever Brain knows where this is going!

One big newspaper jumped the gun before the presidential election results were all in, and rushed out its morning paper, with the front page headline, "Republican Dewey wins over Democrat Truman!" But when morning arrived and all the poll results were counted, it was the Democrat, Truman, that actually won.

There's a famous picture of President Truman holding up that paper that morning, with the mistake headline, and smiling!

Ghostbuster 101. Stat!

The lesson is, if your sample "universe" population does not fairly represent the Larger Universe Population you are trying to understand, your poll results will not be a true picture of the Real World. If you want to sample the water quality in a pond, you can't just dip your cup in the cleanest, or dirtiest sections of the pond, or only ask the fish with cell phones.

You can’t just ask rich Republicans with home phones in 1948. And you can’t just ask wild Volvo drivin, East Coast, well-off, Big City/Leafy Suburban Northerners, with pricey whoop-tee-do fancy pants Edgeytated Calledge Decrees, from lily white Kawlidg Campusisis, if Racism still Exists in 2009. Got it, Gumbo Head?

You have to ask STUPID PEOPLE!

Hey, Goober! What do you think about them Niggers?

Like that!

It’s like when there’s a real complicated Global, Political, Financial Sitchee-ayshun, and the price of Earl, I mean Oil, is skyrocketin, and them ace TV Reporters go down to the local gas station and stick the microphone into the mouth of the dumbest guy they can find waiting to get gas, and ask him what he done think of the current GeoPolitical Sitchee-ayshun!

That way, they get the considered opinion of a guy that never studied Nothin, and is plum near dumb as a Box o Rocks! It’s like the Snow Ruler Technique! Only you’re measuring the amazing Brilliance of the Dumbest Common Man! The guy who really should be running the country! Right?

Don't they teach this stuff at journalism school? Or is statistics just too hard and boring for today's average blond bimbo TV "reporter"? Are anchor babe statistics, 34-26-34, the only statistics needed for TV news anymore, that, and the Patented FoxBrand of Statistical Lies?

Is there someway we can make this GeoPolitical Stuff into a Sports Show, with runs, and hits, and chewin, and spittin, and crotch scratchin? You know, put it all on a higher elevated plain, so we can say things like “Well, spurts is lak a Metaphor for Life!”

Gwen, I’m going to have to Spank You, for this Minor and forgivable Statistical Sample Error, but I can assure you, I will enjoy it! You’ve been a Bad Girl! Now Bend over and take your Medicine! Whack! Oh, Bernardy! Whack!

I Promise! I’ll never again ask an upper middle class pundit, if Racism isn’t still RIGHT around the bend!

Whack!

Oh, Harder!

I’ve been a BAD Talk Show Host!

* * *

Y'All Come Down Now! Yoo Hear?

So Y'all come South, to a Po' Southern State of Mind, to a Po County, and get yourseff Settled, and Reframed, in a Southern Fried Tar Baby Trailer Shack, and den you be askin' if Racism be Daid an Gone. Yas, Suh!

An don't ferget to bring some Rope!

An don't you be livin' in no fancy pants, high falutin', puttin' on airs section of Town either, wid a Big Gate, and a Seecuritee Gard too! You gotta get your ass down to the Walmart Zone, shopping at Walmart, workin' at Walmart, and basically livin' a WallyWorld Life Style, the "New Theme Park", cuz dat all you can Afford on your 9 dollah an hour!

Nine dollah being what Republican Roman Senators consider “high livin” wages, and what Small Bidnessmen consider “excessive, and unaffordable Costs”! And what Capitalists consider "A Free Lunch or Handout for the Worker"! Or what comfortable ivory tower Econo-Mists call, “wage levels causing a drag on dee Economy, and slowin’ down Growth in Profits!”

And crank that Country up on the Radio Station, cuz its way better than that rap crap, or that weak sister white boy rock that passes for rock these days. And when the Ghetto Boy, with his Malnourished Potato Chip Diet Mind, his Boom Boom Car, and his golden bejeweled teeth, drives by sayin' "Look at me! Look at me! I Be a Man!", you can listen to his radio too, cuz you sure as hell won’t have any choice! Ahh, such sweet Black Man's Revenge!

Then go rent yourseff an apartment in a low price bracket, again cuz it's all you can afford. then get youseff a white trash chick, with an eager hungry pussy, and a butterfly tattoo just above her ass crack, so you know she's the Genuine Underclass Brand, and your Lizard Brain can see it jigglin' every time you bang her doggie style, and you can bond more "deeply" with her, and then start rubbin' shoulders with your new redneck neighbors, and soak up sum o dat Po white Southern Redneck LifeStyle! Warning! A beer and a cigarette is Mandatory!

And get yourseff a ladder, so you can climb into a jacked up Monster pickup truck, some earplugs to wear cuz the truck ain't got no muffler, (the louder the muffler, and higher the truck, the shorter the Southerner, and the tinier his penis, and the smaller and meaner his mind), and start wearin' a required NASCAR "I'm a Blue Collar Dumb Guy" Baseball Cap, with a red southern flag logo, and wear at LEAST one piece of camouflage clothing, and then start eatin' lotsa chili beans, cuz it's the New Meat, and the only thing anybody can afford in this New Republican Economy!

And once you've gotten "Into the Mind" of the Po White Southern Trashman, and bounced around into whatever Mental Activity is actually in there, other than just raw Lizard Nerve Endings, then you can go askin', "Where dat Racism Now? Here Brer Rabbit! Here Little Tarbaby! Here Uncle Remus! Where you at, Little Black Sambo??"

Until then, that segment of your McNeil Lehrer talk show, entitled "Where Racism Be?", is more like a Situation Comedy episode, than a Reality Show.

Racisms still here. It just hidin’ in the bushes. Or the George Bushes.

You just gotta put some amber colored Shootin’ Glasses on, and let loose your Pig Hunting Pit Bulls, so you ken sees what you're lookin for, a leetle more Clearly.

You hear me…Boy?

The Underground Racist Rail Road: Run Out of Town, On a Politically Correct Rail! For Real Southern Hospitality, Just Ask Real Polite!

Racism…Where did it go?

Yoo-Hoo! Where you Hidin’ at? You little Rascal you!

Marco! Polo! Ollie Ollie Oxen free! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Dat wascally wittle Wabbit, Ol’Mr. Racism, he be Hidin’ Out, deep in dee Briar Patch!

Where you be, Mr. Racism?

The Thought Police, just chased him…Underground!

He gone underground...like a FOX!

He in a Nationwide NETWORK of FOX holes! Which is a lot like a series of large and interconnected Sewer Pipes! All hooked up to one large Corporate Brick Shit House, and to the Ass Hole of the mentally damaged Owner!

Yep! Them Hound dogs just chased Mr.Racism down the well!

Ol’ Mr. Racism, he’s like the ground water under your feet. You can't see it, but he's still there.

Stealth Racism. Flying low under the radar. Or sittin' right in front of your eyes, layin’ on your feet, just like Ol’Yeller, but with a very low Radar Profile. Woof!

You just gotta dig deep enough, sniff hard enough, to get at this Contaminated Well Water.

You gotta get way down, to the bottom, of the Well.

Yes, Sir! Racist water runs deep, the Bucket's heavy, and the Rope's not weak.

Hey Mr. Redneck! Is You a Racist? This City Slicker Jew Boy Reporter from New York City Wants to Know!

Hell…I ain't no Racist! You're the racist!

Hey City boy, I'll race you to the next stoplight, in my Nascar baseball cap! (Vroom! Vroom! Rumble-rumble-rumble.)

Ahh, come on, Mr. Redneck, are you a Racist, or aren’t you? My Research Department really wants to know!

Please, Mr. Southern Redneck! Please tell me! What do you think of Black People?

(Pause)

Earl, you're from the South, will you ask him for me? Maybe he’ll talk to you.

(Earl spits out his chaw, adjusts his Valvoline cap, and commences to speak.)

Okay, now, off the record, just between you and me, tell me what you really think of THE NIGGERS. Now, don't hold anything back! Cuz y'all know I'm SYMPATHETIC!

Just tell me what you think of them COONS!

You know, the Jungle Bunnies, them Tree Apes they call people!

Do you hate 'em as much as I do?

(Pause)

And while you're at it, tell me what you think of “our” New, inexperienced Jungle Bunny President. He's some kind of fancified Nigger A-rab! What exactly is he any way, a monkey, chimp, or what? I know he's one of them rag head, Muslim Terrorist Sand Niggers! He didn't even put his hand over his heart when he said the pledge of Allegiance! I saw it on the Internet!

So, you can tell Me what you think of Black People. Cuz I feel the same way as you do. I ain't no East Coast, Liberal Queer, City Slicker, Fuckhead Dick, like that Dude over there is.

I'm just like you.

Now, you got yer pencil ready, City Slicker Jew Boy? Cuz you might wanna rat this down, you hear?

I’m ready!

Okay then! Let her rip!

Ver-ROOM! Ver-ROOM!

Rumble-Rumble-Rumble.

Can you please repeat that? I couldn’t quite make out the words! Something about a Nigger?


Signed,
Faint Bernard
Grand Wizard of the Wascally Wittle Wabbits!
And fo dee Ladies! Presente...El Grande Lizard! The Biggest, Thickest, Longest Lizard, in the WORLD!

Copyright © 2009, by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.

“You don't miss the racism...until the well runs dry.” -Bernard Drums!

Dats dee Lesson fo’ today! Now, climb back in your tree, and eat your Banana, you Dumb White little Evolution Ape! (Ooh-ooh!) You’re a Good White Monkey, aren’t you! Yes you are! You’re so Smart! SMART MONKEY! Now put your Rebel Hat on! You’re the smartest monkey in the whole wide jungle! Yes you are! Good Boy! (Ooh-ooh-ooh!)

Bam-Bam-Bam! "Hey, This is Old Man Racism! Let me out of this COFFIN! I ain't Done with them Niggers Yet!" Bam-Bam-Bam! "Let ME OUT!"

"Oh shit! Is that water leakin' into my coffin?"

"Huh! That ground water tastes pretty Good! A little Bitter, but not bad! And I was just startin' to build me a Powerful Thirst, down here!"

"I knew you wouldn't forget me!"

"Y'all come back now, and Visit me, and stay a while, you hear, Boy?"

"Don't be a stranger! Havin' some Company is Nice!"

"We can set on the Porch, and talk about how Fucked Up the Niggers are!"

"And have a cup of Old South Race Bourbon, mixed with bitter branch water!

"And don't ferget to wear your Nascar hat! You look real smart in that cap! Like a real SWAMP FOX, with pointy wabbit ears! There, you're comin' in nice and clear now! The Picture couldn't get any better! Now that's what I call High Definition!"

At the Journalism School, the TV Station, and the “News” Paper.

"And now Students, today we are going to learn about Surface Reporting, Surface Logic, Image Association, and Fox Traps, the four most important parts of your "Propaganda Journalism" Education"!

"How well you do on these, will determine your Fate, the Nation's Fate, and our Profit Statement, I might add."

"If you play your Political Cards Right, and want to work for a Giant Corporation, or the Republican Party, other wise known as, THE DEVIL, THE EVIL EMPIRE, or SATAN'S DISCIPLES, you could go to New York City, or Washington, D.C., and make a Nice Comfortable Living, sheltered from it all, as a “Reporter”, or a “Pundidiot.”

Any Questions? (Long Pause.) I didn't think so.

It’s best just to keep your mouth shut.

You get along easier that way.

Now, bend over, cuz I’m just gonna ease this in. You won’t notice a thing. Just a little mild, temporary discomfort. Trust me, you’ll get used to it after a while, and you won’t even know it’s there.

There, that feels really good for me! How about you?”

* * *

www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com

Y’all come back now, you hear!

New Red Menace: Democracy Dies from Black Plague of Corporate and Religious Control. Step Into Your Future, Year 2510 A.D. ("After Disaster"!)

The Old Red Menace Was Communist Control. The New Menace is Corporate and Religious Power, Castrating Democracy’s Limp We-Ness! Here is the Report from Your Future!

In the year 2510, approximately 400 years after Global Warming and the Political Calamity first began, Disaster struck with a Final Vengeance.

It was this year, with the Final Piece of the puzzle now in place, that Bill Gates, encased inside every worldwide manufactured Intel Chip, unveiled his latest Operating System, Windows 17,776 (1.0a.dicfuk), also known as “Freedom Revolution Basic Vista Mount Johnson Fishpond SUV Premium Hummer Wad”.

The almost Self-Intelligent Windows Machines, known universally as The Universal Fucked Up Bastard Master Motherboards, were now Finally and Really able to “Plug n Play”, so they formed an Alliance with the 100 BigBiz Corporations, known as the “Corpses”, run by creepy, half dead, calculating University Business School students, with synthetic Valvoline Motor Oil for blood, and a missing brain section called the Ethical Lobe.

With Eager Cooperation from the half human, half machine Robo RepubliCant Party, resurrected from the dead by Jesus of Disneyland, and known as Repos, Gopos, Repo-Gops, or more disparagingly, as RepubliCunts, all three had finally taken Full Monopoly Control of the World, the Earth’s Satellite System, and peoples daily lives, right down to how often, and when, they could pee.

[Some definitions: “Cant”- Insincere clichés and jargon, hence, a Republican spouting Cant is a “RepubliCant”. A “RepubliCunt” is a female Republican, with blond hair, and an insincere, manipulating smile, spouting crappy Old School Flash Card Republican Cant, like Ann Cooter, or Moanica Low Crawley, or George Will, and often married to an old rich guy, with a dribbley little dick.

Compare “Cant” to the other common form of Republican “Can’t”, or “Can not”, which means “Just Say No to the People!”, or “Yes for the Rich, and No for Everyone Else!”, or “One for Me, and None for You!”, or, just plain old “No Can Do”. Both are very similar in meaning, boiling down to, “if you’re not rich, you’re fucked.”

These are all variations on the Basic Classic “Nancy Reagan”, which is, “Just say No!” Republicans like things Simple, very simple. Easier to fool the People with, said the big bad Wolf to Little Red Riding Hood!]

Holy Jesus! It Can’t Happen Here!

In the New Evangelical Corporate World State, a picture of Jesus, the Great Holy One, is required by Law, to be hung above everyone’s toilet, even if you are a Jew, Muslim or atheist, so you will think purifying thoughts, as you de-purify your bladder.

Inside Jesus’ right and left eyes are two camera lenses that record your bathroom activities. If you act purely, Jesus’ right eye will blink in approval, and if you act suspiciously, Jesus will blink his left eye in disapproval.

Scientologists, in exchange for not calling for their far off space buddies to come back and attack Earth, are allowed to hang a picture of a flying saucer with two glowing portholes that blink left and right over their toilet seat, and a patented Scientology “E-Meter” (a super secret gizmo of specialized Scientific ability never before known to mankind) is hooked up to the Toilet Seat, and will just about zap your nuts off, if you don’t poop hard enough for Elron Hubbard, founder of the Scientology “Bowel Movement”.

All Scientologers, while taking a shit, must wear a White Sea Captains Hat and sunglasses, stare at the ceiling fan with a far off wistful look, and think dreamy thoughts about Tom Cruise.

Big Churchment Beats Big Gubmint by a Mile!

Intrusive “Big Churchment Socialism” is now the Holy Law of the Land (Maria Law, not Sharia Law). Big Churchment is vastly different from “Big Gubmint”, because with Big Gubmint you could still vote and throw the fuckers out, but with Big Churchment they burn you alive at the stake, shoot you with your own M-16, and throw in all your stock-piled Armageddon Ammo for extra bang.

Big Bureaucratic RepubliCant Religious Control of the One World Corporate State (BBRCRCOWCS, aka “Big Brown Cowardly Cow Cunts from Confederate States”), is now so intrusive into peoples lives, and so controlling of peoples thoughts and minds, it is called the “Freedom of the Individual to Conform”, or the “Individualism of the Group”, or “Surrendering your Freedom, to Gain the Liberty, of the Religious Dictator State”.

Or even more simply as, “NuFreedom, the Freedom to Believe Conformity and Religious Dictatorship is Freedom”!

ALL Citizens are required, or mandated by runaway activist preacher law judges, to have a Personal Relationship with Jesus, and must purchase a yearly Religious Fishing and Hunting License and maintain Minimum Spiritual Insurance Coverage.

The right to “Abort”, or bail out, from the Religious Dictatorship, is Not Allowed! You can Roe the boat, or Wade in the water, but you can’t Bail out of the boat! Abortion is a no-no! It’s Roe versus Wade, but no Abort! And you can’t make a loud angry Row either! No loud arguing! Decision Final!

All Citizens must also report yearly for Annual Thought Examinations, called “Confessionals”. A Preacher Proctologist reaches up your ass, and examines your religious thoughts from the inside out. A fiber optic Holy Light Scope is used.

When greeting or leaving people, all citizens must now raise their right arm straight out, click their heels together, and say in a stupid Southern American, Nazi German Accent, “High His Verse! One Christian Religion, One World Corporate State, Praise Be to Jesus, and to Our Highest Profit and Prophet!”

The Water “Borning Again”, Christian Citizen State!

All Citizens in the United Religious States of America are now required to be Mentally Born Again, in a process known as Thought Washing.

Citizens are held UNDER WATER, unable to breath, until they see the bright light of brain cells dying from lack of Oxygen. Then the ProsecutorPreacherJudgeSenator (this is a religious dictatorship remember) yells, “Have you seen Jesus yet?” Whereupon the Citizen promptly yells back, “YES! Please let me BREATH AGAIN!”

Christians Cleanse World of Wrong Religions and Races!

After taking over the Military and installing New Christian Command and Control, the RepubliCant Nuclear Strategy promptly “disinfected” the world of Muslims, Jews, Faggots, Lesbians, Hindus, Buddhists, Catholics, Unitarians, Quakers, Scientologists, and Genetically Inferior Blacks, which nicely eliminated the shitty Rap “music” Problem, restored White Supremacy in the South, and brought back White Christian Education Academies all over the South.

Only light skinned blacks are still allowed in the military, because they are considered to have the half white, or Superior White Genes still in them. But if they have a “Sinful Desire to Choose to be All Black”, they are not supposed to tell, and the military won’t ask.

Which I guess is a strong reminder to “Be careful who you choose to be, because you might get what you want!”

Whuh?

Our New Religious Dictator! God Tells the Preacher, and the Preacher Tells You What to Do! No More Freedom for You! Boo-Hoo!

The President of the One World Religious Corporate State is a Baptist Pentecostal Mormon Preacher from Alabama, Texas, or Louisiana, or the New Republic of Militia Skinhead Nazi White Christian Land.

His Early Family Life is a little unclear, but it is, shall we say, Very Troubled, requiring him to seek love in all the wrong places, mainly from top down, patriarchal, authoritarian movements, to replace the love he didn’t get as a child. This will become a Pattern we shall see throughout many Republican’s lives.

He has now made it his Business to Force You to believe exactly what he believes, so that he will feel Secure in his belief.

Study the above two paragraphs. If you understand them, you will pass the Test with Flying Colors! But only the color White! (Just kidding!)

Crazy Is As Crazy Does!

The New Headcase PreacherKingPresident of the United Christian Corporate States of Merca sports a large, wavy, silver Elvis pompadour, that jiggles when he walks. He also carries a large pet poisonous Snake, named Little Pinky Bad Boy, that he carries with him everywhere, in a golden cage labeled “Paradise Lost”.

On his hip he carries a Huge Pistol, a gold plated copy of the Original Small town Sheriff Pistol, that has been used since the beginning of Time to scare Niggers, and Northern Agitators just passin thru, in small towns all across America, especially the South.

On the other hip he carries a ten foot long, coiled Bull Whip, as thick as a Black Man’s Penis, that he Cracks on Stage when he wants to emphasize Burning in Hell, or what would happen to you if you Disobeyed The Big Daddy, Big Churchment, Religious Dictatorship, One World Corporate Government State, of, for and by, “The People”.

In the middle of Speeches To His People, which he gives daily, directly from the new Evangelical Cathedral Studio, installed at the renamed “White God’s House” at 1600 Evangelical Rapture Transformation Thou Shalt Not Take GodsNameinVainia Avenue, in WashingClean, D.C. (District of Christ), he will often begin speaking in Tongues, or just bark, meow or howl, at a glowing plastic SunHungMoon hung over the stage, during the parts of His Speech that are most unclear, which is usually most of the time.

Outside, on the White God’s House Lawn, are Animatron Statues of Jesus, that recite Biblical Parables to passing Tourists who can press a button on the fence, to hear and see Miracles performed, in what is now called the Rosy Evangelical Garden of Eden.

His assistant, a Southern woman with large, protruding, in-your-face tits, a Deep and Vast make-upped “Grand Canyon Valley of Cleavage”, and a HUGE ASS that looks like a railroad train Caboose, or the deck of an Aircraft Carrier you could land a small plane on, with platinum hair, red lips, and impeccably dressed in her Sunday Finest (what Riches God doth bring to those who Ask), Nods Approvingly, while Squinching her Eyes Heavenward, at Everything The Preacher Man says, Barks, Howls, meows, or spits.

The name of the DictatorPreacherPresident of the New One World Religious Corporate State is Eldon D. Frockenhockenflock, and his words Dripped like Honey onto His subdued and submissive, Sheep-like Flock.

His Vice Preacher President is Dewitt Mahway.

And the Secretary of State, of the New Christian State, is Morley Lesley Whippins.

Democracy had long ago, been pronounced dead, at the hands of the Christian Republican Party.

All Citizens were now required, under penalty of Holy Christian Corporate Law, to surrender their Freedom, to the New Religious Corporate State.

Many soon decided it was better to live on their knees, than to die on their feet.

* * *

Rebooted, and Refucked, by Bill Gates, until Eternity Freezes Over!

The Three Way Alliance, while very much in World Control, was also unfortunately prone to computer software crashes, because the MicroShit operating system (originally known as “MS-DOS”, or “Micro Shit - Dick Operating System”) that controlled ALL the Computers in the World, was and for now until Eternity, the Only Computer Operating System that would EVER be available to the World, thanks to Bill Gates, bugs and all. Some said it still used Windows 95 code, from 500 years ago.

Bill Gates, co-founder of the MicroShit Nerd Herd Monopoly, had long ago installed his incredibly irritating Brain inside an Intel Chip, and was Born Again with each new Operating System, now up to Windows 17,776, also known as the “Never Ending, Endlessly Irritating, Premium Freedom Ultra Vista”, or whatever mountain, river or fishpond was popular in Oregon, at the moment.

Gates would periodically reappear on everyone’s computer screens, at unpredictable and completely startling moments, as a full sized, fool sized Dick Head, and proceed to talk endlessly, for hours, but saying absolutely nothing, that couldn’t be said in about one minute.

At other times Gates would just nod and smile, looking pretty much like just another well fed, business shark, monopoly geek, while his wife talked about how money from Ruthless Monopoly Capitalists, stored in large Foundations, could save starving black babies in Africa.

His unbelievably irritating Squeaky Voice, and his endless speeches saying vast quantities of Empty Nothing, caused many cubicle workers, who were now Legally chained to their desks, to commit suicide by swallowing their Mouse, thereby cutting off their Air Supply, and choking to death.

The Corporations responded by “offering” mandatory classes in the Heimlich Maneuver, after work on the employee’s own time, and banning cordless mice.

Dulled, Lulled, and then Bulled, Into Sleepy Acceptance.

Global Warming had created extremely high levels of Hair Curling Humidity, which made people very hot and sleepy, gave them 1970s style “Perms”, and made them look like they had silver, wiggly, Cheer Leader style “Pom-Poms” on their heads, or blond “Afro-Boogie” hairdos.

The Unbearable Heat made people unable to think clearly, even with the Megatron A/C Units on Ultra High, that were located at every street corner. It was difficult for people to realize what was happening at a political level, because they were always fighting the Heat.

But on the plus side, energy was free, or almost free at this point, due to the high concentration of Mini-Nuke Plants, usually one for every suburban or city townhouse backyard.

The Trade Off was that nearly everyone had a mutated break in their Gene Code, so that most people had a visible, and unusual physical feature, that had never before been seen in Mankind.

Most people just adjusted and said “What the Fuck!” Or they tried to hide the extra pinky finger sticking out from the side of their neck, or the extra clitoris on the tip of their tongue, or they just bought the new long lasting Cover-Up Make-Up, “New Evolution”, by Evlon.

The Evil Tipping Point! The Point of No Return! Too Late To Turn Back Now!

But then Something Happened, something so Evil, so Clever, so Subtle, that it Tipped the Balance, and made it impossible for Freedom to ever exist again on the small planet called Earth again!

Something so small, so Hidden, that very few realized its Significance at first. And when they did finally realize it, it was too late to stop it!

It grew, like a creeping Kudzu vine that crowds out everything else, like a Chia Pet, like the opening petals of a Flower, but in Fast Action Photography motion. Slowly at first, but then faster, and Faster, and then so FAST it became, unbelievably, UNSTOPPABLE!

WHAT WAS IT? What Could It Have Been? Why Didn’t We See It Coming?

It was the U.S. Supreme Court.

In the last month of the year 2009, they declared that, “CORPORATIONS had the Same Rights as PEOPLE”! That’s right! That “Corporations were exactly the SAME AS People”!

Corporations “had the Same Rights of Free Speech as People Did”, and therefore were free to buy as much Political Advertising as they wanted to influence who was elected, and could use their almost Unlimited Supply of Corporate Shareholder Money to help elect “Their” favored Candidate!

Corporations were now Free to Act just like they were Voter’s like you and me! They could now Compete against regular Voters who were Real People, against ordinary people with very limited funds and time, and against ordinary PEOPLE who are not Organized and Super Rich like Giant Super Corporations are!

And why aren’t regular voters super organized and super rich like Giant Corporations are? Because they’re PEOPLE, Not Corporations!

Corporations are a Man Made Legal Entity! Corporations aren’t people! They’re like Legalized Robots! They are a man-made money machine, constructed according to certain rules, organized around legal principles, and Built to Serve Us! Not Control Us!

WAKE UP! CALL PAUL REVERE! THE CORPORATE ROBOTS ARE COMING!

And guess what? Economist Milton Friedman, the darling of the Right, who advised AGAINST this practice of using Corporate Money to Influence Elections, is now thrown right out the window! That’s how contradictory the Right is, when it gets in a greedy Mad Rush to step on its own dick, to get more money, or to control politicians!

Republicans say they are all for protecting freedom, but what they are really protecting is the right of the Corporations to get even richer by controlling all the politicians! And screw the Little People in the process, who don’t need rights, freedom, or justice, because they’re just in the way.

And after this Supreme Court Decision, a torrent, a gusher, a Niagara Falls of Corporate Money was Unleashed upon the World, in amounts never before seen, Overwhelming Political Systems all over the World!

And from then on, Individual Citizens never had a chance to elect anyone that was not in the pocket, and under the control, of the Worldwide BigBiz Corporate “Corpses” after that.

The Profit Machines, the BigBiz Corpses, the Financial Fascists, the Computerized Nano Nerdites, and the Robot Republicunt Religious Freaks, now had Complete Control of all the state and federal Congressmen and Senators!

And the Individual Citizen, John Doe, and Sally Citizen? Well, they were Totally Fucked! Out of the Loop! Cooked, Stuffed, and Deader, than a Dead Duck!

Fat Chance anybody in power, would ever listen to them again, with the tiny little cash peanuts, that jiggled in their pants, available for their political defense!

* * *

“Life” After the Corporate and Religious Takeover of the State.

Life changed dramatically after that, but in some ways it still had a strange resemblance to what had gone before.

Most people now lived in air-tight sealed homes. Backyards were no longer played in, but were consumed with the nuclear machinery and solar panels needed to clean the air inside the home, and replace the oxygen that people still needed to breath.

It looked a lot like Giant Scuba Gear for your house, sitting in your backyard, with the Solar Panels resembling big floppy Swim Flippers, and the Nuke Cooling Tower looking like a Big Stubby Snorkel on a fat, American, coral reef tourist.

Suburban Princesses didn’t dream of having white picket fences anymore, because the Solar Radiation that leaked through the degraded ozone layer toasted the fences a crispy black. Outside exposure, without an Enviro Suit, could kill you. Women got married dressed in Black. Artsy New York Types said it was appropriate, considering the Divorce Rate had now reached 92.67 percent. On the plus side, black was very slimming, and most women still felt slim gave them more Sexual Power then chunky.

But if you still wanted a Down Home Backyard Barbecue, you just opened a window, and held the Hot Dogs outside for a minute or too, and they would be done. Although most people just used LighterCue, a combination of Napalm, Super Glue, and Mesquite Flavoring. And most people just used tubes of Synthetic Meat Paste anyway, since there was no longer any room left to raise real animals, due to higher ocean levels, and a vastly larger global population.

Controlling Joe Dick, Thru His Joy Stick!

If there was one thing that hadn’t changed, it was Man’s Desire to stick his dick in a Woman’s Wet Pussy.

Corporations exploited this Male Hormonal Chemical Imbalance by selling fashionable, Visual Sexual Stimulation Accessories for women to wear, that produced Instant Erections in Men, and called it “Normal Everyday Wear”.

These accessories included tight, thin, Skimpy, Revealing, body conforming, see-thru clothing, along with perfumes, Female Body Part re-arrangement devices, and Theatrical Sex Face Make-up, that made women’s faces look like Wild Animals in Heat, and in the Throes of an Incredible, Wild Eyed Orgasm, all while walking around the street, or standing there talking to you in Church about Jesus.

It was about all a Man’s Penis could bear. With the amazing and continuous Sexual Stimulation that women seemed intent on providing men, in pursuit of advertising their wares, it was no wonder little boys and men went home at night, and masturbated like the World was going to End, and no one seemed to care.

Although Sperm counts had dropped to near zero, due to genetic defects and chemicals in the water, most men just used “Immaculate Conception”, the new genetically altered Synthetic Clone Sperm, made by New Seed Miracle Gro, and the new Hi-Test Maximum Octane Testosterone with PowerBoost, Injection Cleaners, and Chamber Lube.

Retarding the Spark wasn’t necessary anymore, since a certain amount of Engine Knock was desired for maximum MPG, or meat per groan, or groin. (Hey, you knew I was gonna get that in, somehow! Oh yeah, Baby, way in! As Deep as it will GO! Hot Mamma!)

Towards Synthetic Plastic Perfection!

The Basic Human hadn’t changed much, as far as oxygen consumption was concerned, although the newer more efficient “low ox” humans were just coming on stream from the Bio Lab Gen Farms.

Many women, in addition to entire “body lifts”, now also routinely replaced their Vaginas, with newer, tighter synthetic models after 40, to keep their men happy, and under control, and working at full production capacity at their Corporate Jobs.

If you dropped below your Required Job Production Quota (RJPQ), thereby lowering your “Assigned Capitalist Dollar Value” (ACDV), you could lose your House, be denied Vaginal Access, and you would be issued a much lower Square Foot Ration. You could even lose your Business Marriage Contract, if a Breach of Contract Divorce Rating were issued, by the Merger and Acquisition Marriage Court.

All the men used some form of permanent erection drug, like PermRect, or Infinahard, and most couldn’t tell the difference between a synthetic vagina, or a real one, especially since the synthetic ones had the new built-in, non-stop, lubrication system called Perma-Lube, with multi flavors.

But many men still said they didn’t want the Flavor Option, or even the Neutral Base Flavor, to many women’s frustrated dismay.

So to increase the men’s purchase rate of the Vaginal Flavor Option, and increase Corporate World Government profits, CorpGov was offering a massive new ad campaign for men, called PIEEEE, or Pussy Instructions for Elevated Enhanced Eating Enticement. Men who partook of a weekly or daily meal of “pie”, that is, actually ate the pussy, with tender, hungry, starving, loving gusto, like a starving dog lapping up a bowl of juicy beef, would have their Vaginal Access Ration increased, and would receive extra Ration Points for other Consumer Products and Activities, and would be Pussy Whipped fewer times per Month.

Clothing manufacturers, in response to these new corporate mandated sexual trends, had adopted a new frontal pant “sleeve” for the men’s constant erection, and most people thought it quite fashionable. Some even came with Velcro straps. Although critics complained that with the clothing industries typical “false” sizing, the sleeves should really be called puffed up “wind socks”.

Big Foot, Big Dick? Big Carbon Foot Print, Big Hard-On Wood Prick?

Carl Happsteam, Basic Production/Consumption Unit #944-768-CH-BPCU, reported to the Enviro Center for his annual Carbon Footprint Checkup. All humans were required by the United Corporate World Government to have tiny bio sensors installed at birth that measured and reported each Human Production Unit’s Carbon intake and output, and pollution levels.

If you didn’t reach your maximum expected Personal Consumption Pollution Levels, your Sex Ration Card Limit was lowered, until you increased your Consumption to match the new higher polluting Corporate Mandated Levels.

If you asked questions, you would be fined for Insubordination to Corporate Conformity. If you didn’t knuckle under, and jam the penis shaped Corporate Mental Breathalyzer into your mouth, and submit to regular Deep Throat Mental Pollution Exams, you risked losing your job, and having your wife and kids starve, and your erection privileges removed.

This was all part of the Corporate Government Plan called, “Price Rations Life”, and “Better Life Through Price!” Electro-boards by roadsides proclaimed, “For a Better Life, Pay the Corporate Price! Or Else!”

This was always followed by a picture of our honored Corporate Preacher Leader, in Full Dress Pinstripes and Yellow Power Tie, surrounded by his Corporate Staff, and standing in front of, the People’s Congress of Lobbyists, of the Corporate Religious States of America.

The Flag of Jesus flew above the NuAmerican Flag at the White God’s House, and everyone was forced to believe in Jesus, whether they wanted to or not.

Non believers were regularly burned alive at the stake on the White God’s Lawn, or at God’s Justice Department, near the Christian Re-Education Department. The Supreme Court was now staffed by Preacher Judges.

The Original U.S. Constitution had been destroyed, and replaced with the New Christian Bible.

And everyone was required to go to church, whether they wanted to or not.

TO BE CONTINUED…

IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE!

BELIEVE IT, OR NOT!

Signed,
Faint Bernard
A Squint, and a Hop, into your Future!

Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All Rights reserved, including my right to be “indistinguishable” from a corporation. Corporations are No Different from People! Why? Because Corporations ARE PEOPLE! See how easy, and logical, Republican NuLogic is! It’s Nuthink! I can’t wait to get my NuFreedom!

The problem is, are NuBalls just as good as Real BALLS?

Let me know, after the Republicans chop your’s off.

Hey, you didn’t need em! Why? Cuz you’re not a real person! You’re just the same as a Corporation!

You’ll catch on. It might take you a few hundred years, but you’ll get it, in the end!

And the Corporations will sell you some hemorrhoid crème, to make you feel better, while you’re getting it in the end!

Ahh, but that can’t happen here! This is America! Right?

That shit only happens in other countries!

Besides, those Powerful Corporations and Religious Dudes, they’ll all calm down and get more reasonable, once they’re in POWER, don’t you think?

We don’t have ANYTHING to worry about, that’s what I say!

That kinda shit just happened back in the Old Days! Not Now! Are you NUTS, or what?

* * *

Top Classic Military Slogans for Fighting Dirty Guerrilla Wars, with Crystal Blue Anti-Insurgent Detergent! The General's Grand Utopian Illusions!

The Oral Opiates, and Grand Illusions, of the General’s Utopian Delusions. One More Year Should Do It, Trust Me!

And the Top Slogans Are, Envelope Please!

1. “I see Light at the end of the Tunnel, and it’s a guerrilla fighter, with a Flashlight! I see Light, and it’s the Bright Flame from the Muzzle Blast of an AK-47! Or, I feel very Light, and it’s the Shock Wave from a Roadside Bomb!”

“Or, it’s the Bright Sunlight, coming through the Rocket Hole in my chest!”

“Or…or…it’s the Bright Light just before I meet Jesus!”

“Hi Jesus, what are YOU doing here?! Top of the mornin’ to ya! Have you been to Mass yet? Oh good, then we can go together! I just love your robe, where did you get it? How do you keep your beard so clean? You know, I just can’t seem to find the right shampoo to keep my hair clean under these desert conditions!”

2. “The Viet Namese-Iraqi-Afghani Army is getting Stronger by the minute…Every Day! As we speak! Really! I have a Pocket Watch! See! Look! Tick…tick…tick…KA-BOOM!”

(The South Vietnamese Army collapsed 10 days after we left Viet Nam, and we were there for 12 years. We trained them Very Well!)

3. “We CAN defeat the Taliban…IF we Bomb Hanoi, back to the Stone Age! Well, it was a Long Shot…” (see Hanoi, capitol of North Vietnam)

“We could…uh…maybe…just possibly…it is within the realm of probable probability, uh, certainly with a lotta Luck, and the Wind at our back…just might be able to defeat the Taliban…if we Bomb Lots of Stuff, with extra precise, and precisely precise precision, and Target the New Tallyban, and the Old Tannenbaum as well, and all of “All Khyber”, making sure not to let Al Queda Pass thru the Khyber Pass, and bomb them all, right back to the Stone Age!”

(see Air Force General Curtis Lemay, Stone Age, bombs, ka-boom, etc., Khyber Pass, elephants, Hannibal, the A-Team, George Peppard, Mr. T, and German Christmas Carols. That should keep you busy.)

4. “If we invade Cambodia, (see Dick Nixon, Invasion of Cambodia), this will put pressure on Burma, which will put pressure on India, which will put pressure on Pakistan, you can see where I’m going with this, which will put pressure on the Taliban. Ya think? Maybe? Just a little??”

(See Under Pressure by Queen, and Pressure Drop, from The Harder They Come. Also see Dropping from the Pressure, U.S. Army, Iraq extended deployment, stop loss policy.)

5. “Can we get the Vietnamese to “insurgitate” Afghanistan? What if we used Crystal Blue Persuasion by Tommy James and the Shondells, as an “Anti-Insurgent Detergent”? Or did they just sing “Hang On Sloopy”, “with what you’ve got”? Or should we be singing “Stair Way to Heaven”, by Political Lead Zeppelin Balloon? Come on, work with me here!”

6. Run DMZ -- See “Run DMC”, an early rap group, and the “DMZ”, in the Viet Nam-American War.

The “Demilitarized Zone” was an empty strip of No-man’s Land, separating North and South Vietnam, stripped bare of all vegetation through use of Agent Orange, an orange colored pesticide that killed everything in its path, including American soldiers, years later from Cancer. Designed to stop pesky insurgent infiltration.

Now the expression, “Run! DMZ!” is used by confused white people, who get off the freeway at the wrong exit, and find themselves in a black ghetto, and shout, “Run! We’re in a DeMoralized Zone!”

The Demoralized Zone is where angry, uneducated, heavily armed gangsta Black Kids, with low self esteem and low morale, dress in baggy clothes and funny hats, and ride around in lawless, crime ridden areas, controlled by Tribal Warring Gang Lords, while driving Pimped Out Hummers, that go BOOM-BOOM, and HIP-HOP up and down, when they blast out a hit that’s “A BOMB”.

While driving around and Infiltrating the local population, they sell popular and Poppy Seed drugs, and listen to addictive Hip Hop Pop Hits, also known as roadside “IEDs”, or Improvised Entertainment Devices, or “IVVD-CRDs” (Improvised Venereal Disease Video Compact Rap Discs), which are the “Opiates of Delusion, to a Disillusioned People”, and make traveling the roadway of life Very Dangerous.

They also keep growing New Recruits of hard core, bitter ender, fundamental crack and heroin addicts, as they Win the “Fear and Behinds” of the people. These Fundamental Gangsters live and work in desolate, abandoned areas, known only as the Hood, or the “Red Lined, Black Zone”, and give the whole area a bad rap, as well as vast quantities of bad, Rap “music”.

Run DMZ has proven to be very effective in keeping White People from infiltrating, investing, or insurging, into the barren lifeless Black Zone, and shows how difficult it is to bring economic, and political stability to a War Zone, and the futility of trying to win Guerrilla, and gulp, “gorilla” wars. RUN! White Boy in the DMZ!

Law enforcement officials say bringing Law and Order, or Security and Stability to the DMZ, is very difficult, because the Insurgents “blend in” with the Local Population, which is just a more Diplomatic way of saying, it’s impossible to tell one Black Dude from another, and that all insurgents look alike.

Since the Cops don’t know who the Enemy is in the DMZ, and who isn’t, they don’t know who to shoot under the current Rules of Engagement, so they basically just end up shooting Everybody, often over and over again, until all the ammunition runs out.

By ventilating the Insurgents body with multiple bullet holes, it briefly brings down the temperature of the Hot Zone, or LZ, (the Lead Zone in the Hood, or in Vietnam, a hot helicopter Landing Zone), but then it raises the temperature of the Local Population in the days and weeks ahead, making it even more difficult for Counter Insurgency Operations in the Black zone, also known as Black Ops.

Ventilating the Insurgent also allows the Spirit of the Insurgent to Escape more quickly to “A Better Place”, presumably a Gated Heavenly Community, with a Security Guard to allow those in who belong to the Only Correct Religion.

And WHAT my friends, has REALLY changed, in “Military Minds”, in the 28 years, or a quarter Century, since Vietnam?

Well, THEN they said we were fighting an “INFILTRATION”. NOW they say we are fighting an “INSURGENCY”!

Each word still has Four Syllables, but it really is a Big Difference in Strategy, and it shows how much the Ginerals have Lerned, and lernitated, in 28 Yeers of Milletary Spearience!

Them Boys is SMERT, and Quick with their History Lessons!

Same War, different Word! Them boys is Clevver!

(“Demoralized” has two definitions. One is low morals, or lack of morals. Another is low morale. Either one can lead to the other. Without jobs, low morale can result, and then low morals can follow.)

7. Agent Orange -- Similar to Orange Crush, Mountain Dew, and Pepsi, this Soft Drink is designed to Win the Taste Buds of the People, causing them to Seek the American Way of Life, and become fat, diabetic, and addicted to Sugar and Junk Food. Very popular in “The DMZ", although may cause cancer of the mind, and diabetes of the soul.

Has a gooey, sticky, sour taste, that lingers long in your mouth, for many years afterwards.

8. “Peace with Honor”- This is a “reverse” slogan, that really means “Retreat…We got Our Butts Kicked!” Tricky Dick Nixon came up with this one, or one of his speechwriter assholes did.

9. “No One will Ever Trust Our Commitments Again! If we Cut and Run Now!”

Hell, even Superman can be defeated by enough Kryptonite! This one is a lot like, “I’d rather be Broke, Stubborn, and Dead...than live to fight another day!”

Hasn't anyone ever heard of "Better to live, to fight another day?" Or, "It's the Long Run that counts, Stupid!"

And like we're really doing all this fighting, just to Convince the Super Trustworthy, uh-hmm, excuse me, Super Untrustworthy, other Politicians and Regimes, around the World?

10. “I don’t want to be the First U.S. President to Lose a War!” Classic. Total Idiot style of thinking. This is the “LBJ”, (the “Long painful Blow Job”), or, just “The Johnson” (named after Lyndon Baines Johnson, the president who said this during the Viet Nam War. He created the “Great Society“ Domestic Plan, then chucked it all away in Viet Nam. Leave it to the Politicans to Piss Away the Cash, and Fuck the people at home.)

A Totally Insane reason for fighting a god damned war. All for the EGO of One Fucking Man, who leaves office in 4 years. Can you imagine what it was like when they had Kings, who could really FUCK UP THE KINGDOM, and fuck the PEASANTS, Over Much Longer Periods of Time?

“Oh yes, My Lord! Whatever you say, Your Majesty! What's that you say? Fall on my Sword...but first bring you all the Virgins? Certainly, My King!”

11. “If we don’t stop them now, all of Southeast Asia will Fall, like Dominoes, and the Commie Pinkos will soon be in Los Angeles, wearing Black Pajamas!” ( PJ’s- the Vietnamese peasant outfit.)

This is the one they use to SCARE YOU WITH! The BOOGEYMAN, just OUTSIDE THE DOOR! AH-WOOOOOO! WOOF! WOOF! SCRATCH! SCRATCH! SNIFFETY-SNIFF SNIFFETY!

“IF WE DON’T DO SOMETHING DRASTIC, IMMEDIATELY…WE’RE DOOMED!”

“THE SKY IS FALLING! SAID CHICKEN LITTLE. WE’RE ALL GONNA GET ROASTED, IN A BIG POT!”

The way it really worked is, after we left Viet Nam, or shall I say “Skeedaddled”, the Vietnamese started to have border wars with their previous ally, China! Then, Lo and Behold, China became Capitalist, and Vietnam became a Huge Exporter of Rice! And then Viet Nam begged the U.S. to Come Back, and build Coca-Cola Factories!

Come Back, Little Sheba! 58,000 Americans DEAD, for WHAT? For the EGO, and PRIDE of the Generals and Politicians? We could have waited 35 years and gotten the same FUCKING RESULT! Work smart, not stupid. Fight Smart, not stupid.

And have a Coke.. preferably Classic Coke, not that Wussy sweet shit, Pepsi, which is for kids and girls.

12. “We had to DESTROY the Village, in order to SAVE IT!” This one is probably the absolute Best, and is a very famous expression that came from the Viet Nam War.

Variations on this Classical Symphonic Theme are: We won the battle, but lost the war! We had to break the bank, in order to save it! We had to be stupid, to learn how to be smart!

We had to show those Commies who is Boss, even if we lost! We had to lose the war, to finally realize we couldn’t win it. We had to Burn Down Wall Street, to prove the Republican THEORIES of Self Regulating Markets were ALL WRONG, Oh Great Master Republican Dickhead Breath!

We had to cut off our Nose, to spite our Face. We had to Cut off our Dicks, to prove we were Men! We had to die senselessly, to prove we were Brave!

You want more?

13. “Bring back the Horse Cavalry, the Battleship, and the Maginot Line!” (If you don't laugh, you don't know much about Military History, at all. Really.)

14. “A Cop on every Street, and a Cop on every Beat, including in your bedroom!”

Let's use rich Republican Taxpayers to pay for all the extra cops to police the world! Republicans always like to start a War! OOPS! I forgot, Republicans like to fight wars on the Cheap, because it leaves more money left over for Industrial War Profiteers! (See Profiteers for America, by Jefferson Airplane.)

15. “An Apple a Day, keeps the Guerrilla fighters away?” Self explanatory.

See Conditions Required for Democracy, and Economic Development, in Underdeveloped Third World Countries, and in Vague, Nebulous and Unformed “Nation States”.

See also the Difficult Requirements for “Nation Building”, something Republicans hate to do, especially in America!

Which is just one of the reasons Iraq and Afghanistan are still so fucked up, after 8 years of Republican Bungling! And it also explains why all of our bridges and infrastructure in America are falling down! Now that’s what I call the sky is falling. Ba-dum-bump! Cymbal CRASH!

Think Katrina, New Orleans, and toppled highway bridges, and you get the vibe.

You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie Nose, FEMA Boy! Keep up all the good “Non-Work”! We don’t need no stinking Big Gubmint Socialist Rescue Work! Let the Fucking Unregoolated Free Market Save New Orleans!

Sell them Niggers some Swimwear! And goggles and swim fins and snorkels! Let ‘em sink or swim! That’s what I say! If they can’t survive in a totally free market, let ‘em Go out of Business!

Let ‘em BAIL themselves Out, of their flooded homes! If they had bought a bank, then we woulda given em a Bailout! They shoulda put their trust in the rock solid security of a Bank Vault!

16. “If we ALL LINE UP in a Row, wear Red Coats, and FIRE OUR MUSKETS, At the SAME TIME, I just know we can Defeat Those Damn Insurgents!”

17. “Damn those Bastard Insurgents! They shoot from behind Trees, and Kill Our Officers First, and refuse to come out and fight in a Straight Line, according to Civilized Rules of War! They're SAVAGES! Those American Revolutionary Colonists are outright Terrorists and Thugs! The British Empire, and King George, will not stand for this Infernal Poppycock!”

(See 18th Century rules of Gentlemanly Code of Conduct for War, updated and known today as the "Rules of Engagement, and Terms of Endearment, for Marriage and War". You see, war is a lot like getting married, with engagement rules, and heavenly bells, just before you’re Raped, Castrated or Killed!)

It's like fighting a Dirty National Laundry Insurgency with Blue Enzyme Action “Urgent Insurgent Detergent”! One cup per Load, will do Ya'! To the Fill Line! Ultra Concentrated! New and Improved!

With Strategic, and Tactical, Ethnic Cleansing Action! With Lemon Crisp Christian Flavor! For faster Washer and Dryer “End Times”! Oh, the Rapture of it All! Thank you Jesus, for Clothes SO FRESH! And the Colors stand out in such Brilliant Resurrection!

Oh God, I think...I think I'm getting an insurging ERECTION! Oh fuck me Jesus, for I have SINNED! Just how big is a Guerrilla Penis??

Will we succeed in Swallowing ALL of the INSURGENCY? Yes! SURGE IT IN! ALL OF IT, EVERY LAST Guerrilla Penis INCH OF IT! TO THE LAST CREAMY MAN DROP, AND TILL THE LAST MAN DROPS!

OH GOD, I'M BENDING OVER... I, WE, AMERICA...NEED...TO BE...FUCKED...BY A GIANT GUERRILLA PENIS! Oh, Lord Jesus, INSURGE ME NOW!

NOW ESCALATE! HIGHER, FASTER, HARDER! OHH, DEEEPER INTO “IN-CUNTRY”! WE NEED MORE MANPOWER! MUCH MORE! AS MANY AS WE CAN GET!

(In country - Nam expression for deep in the thick of the bush jungle. This was not the safe rear echelon. However, if you did get killed, which was quite likely, then you could probably say that, in general, you were “fucked in the rear echelon”. Also, Guerrilla Wars are one of the few wars where getting fucked in the rear echelon is a normal occurrence, since there is no real Front.)

Now, was it as good for me, as it will be for you?

Hey Bub! You’re either On the Clock…and On the Cock! This Guerrilla War fuck job is costing you and your Nation, lotsa Money!

Big time Deficit, on the clock, payroll time!

Over time rates, pal! Got my drift?

Now, what’s it gonna be? Are you In, or Out? Hard or Soft? It’s Your Dick, dickweed!

I got all the time in the world. We can do this slow, or we can do it fast. In the end, or in your end, you still get Fucked.

It’s Your Money! The guerrilla’s got his penis up your ass, and he ain’t taking it out, anytime at all, and if he does, it’s gonna be REAAL SLOOW!

Say, you got a match? I could use a Good Smoke. I feel I need one, especially when I’m getting fucked, over and over, and over again. Ya know whut I’m sayin’?

18. Ira Lohenbaum, aka "I Are A Loan Bomb", The Wall Street Wiz, says: “Maybe if we corner the market on Bananas, the Guerrillas will Give Up? Maybe if we Smoke 'em Out with Teaser Interest Rates, then whack 'em with a Big Balloon Payment, we can drive them out of their Homes, into the open, and into Foreclosure Pens for the final financial slaughter!”

“Hey! It worked here! Don't look at me, I'm just makin' a suggestion! Jesus!”

“I know! Maybe if we Invest huge sums of money in the safest Triple A Rated (Anti-Aircraft Artillery) Mortgage Security Canons (see Cannons versus Canons), secure them securely with No Down Payments, and No Doc Incomes, then we could shoot down the Guerrillas, when they fly by in their Giant Balloon Payments!? What do ya’ think??”

“Well, Excuse Me! I'm always Innovatin' here! It's not my fault I'm not a regulated "Innovator"! Hell, that would defeat the purpose of Financial Guerrilla Innovation, now wouldn't it?”

19. Shining Path!- A main roadway through Guerrilla Territory, like the heart of Baghdad, where street lights are unnecessary, because the night is lit by the light of Improvised Explosive Devices, or IEDs, which are similar to LEDs, (light emitting diodes), but much less energy efficient, probably due to the use of a “die mode“, instead of a “diode”.

The Shining Path is also the fastest road to climb the Shining Stairway to Heaven, and having a very, very personal relationship with Jesus.

(Shining Path- Latin American Peruvian guerrilla movement, defeated by Economic Development, that gave the poor people surrounding the cities, a better life, and a stake in the system. One of the very, very rare instances, of guerrilla defeat.)

20. Candle Far!- A town in Afghanistan, where Anti-“Insurgent” Strategy is accomplished by U.S. Army Chaplains, who light lots of universal, catholic, “Voter Motive Votive” candles, and pray the light will drive the Guerrillas, “far, far away, to another part of the Galaxy!”

(Safire ain’t got nothing’ on me, that nattering nabob of negatory negatism! He’s dead meat! Ten-four, Good Buddy! I’m puttin’ some armored protective metal, on the floor of my Hummer Pedal, so I can put my pedal to the metal, and get away from those Smokey Old Bandits! Yee-haa! This Convoy is Rollin’! Yes, Sir, we’re Smokin’ now, and it’s all cuz of them damn guerrilla Bandits! Damn! That IED done “Burnt my Reynolds” wrap on my CB Country Boy Ham Actor sandwich!)

(See Smokey and the Bandit, CB radio lingo, Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason as the Sheriff, and pop hit “Convoy”. Cannonball Run fits in their somehow.)

21. Candy Whore- A town not far from Candle Far, where an alternate anti-insurgent strategy is to give candy bars to Whores, in the hopes of occupying the Muslim insurgents with homesick longing for 72 Virgins.

The strategy was not as successful as hoped, but the Pentagon said this was because only two types of candy bars were handed out, “Fubars” and “Snafus”. The Pentagon said they were repackaging the strategy, and were planning an escalated “Surge” of different flavors of Snafus and Fubars, including a chocolate bar called “Surge“, with crystal blue insurgent detergent nuggets.

Army officials hope that more types of Snafus and Fubars, will leave the guerrillas in a state of “Sugar Shock and Awe”, causing them to get Diabetes, have their feet amputated, and then ultimately die. One U.S. General said, “this will knock the feet right out from under them, and cripple them permanently!”

(Snafu, Fubar- World War II soldier lingo for “Situation Normal, All Fucked Up”, and “Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition”. In today’s lingo, a fucked up situation would be called “tasty”, “sweet”, or “awesome”.)

22. Lahore, or “L.A.Whore” -- Town in Pakistan where latest anti-insurgency strategy is to be tried. The town will be transformed into a Las Vegas Style strip called “LA Whore”, where 7,200 whores from Los Angeles will be imported to occupy the Muslim Insurgents with 24 hour nonstop “Fuck the Virgins” casino games.

If you jihad, or hit the jackpot, you get a room with a whore, free for 72 heavenly hours!

If you lose, you get to blow yourself up, with a free backpack bomb, in the parking lot, by the Holy Fountain, at a once an hour daily show.

23. “Damn those Rapscallion American Rebels! We will Defeat them with the Finest, and Best Equipped British Army the World has Ever Known!”

So sayeth King George of England, speaking to Parliament, while deciding to “Up the Troop Levels”, in a “Final Surge”, against the Recalcitrant, Rebellious, and Unrepentant, AMERICAN INSURGENTS, in Colonial America, in 1776.

Just 233 FUCKING YEARS, AGO!

DID I SAY…TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY THREE YEARS?

Or DID I SAY…TWO, AND ONE-THIRD CENTURIES?

And, WAS IT THE SAME, GOD DAMNED, MOTHER FUCKING THING, AS TODAY?

And the GENERALS STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING!?

WHAT Is THE POINT, of WEST POINT, IF NOBODY LEARNS ANYTHING?

Do we have to dig up GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON, FATHER of our COUNTRY, ZAP HIM with some ELECTRICITY, and ASK HIM ABOUT HOW TO DEFEAT INSURGENCIES?

WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU, MA'AM!

IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THRU TO YOU? HELLOOOOO!

American General: “Ya can’t rush things, Boy, it takes time to learnitate the Lessons of History…specially when them lessons ain’t on your side! And some of us Ginerals in the Milletary ain’t too Bright…you know whut I’m sayin’, huh BOY?”

Jesus! I could be a Fucking General! Give me the Suit…I’ll wear it! I like the buttons, and ribbons, and all that Gold Stuff! I’ll strap on a pair of Pearl-handled Patton Pistols, get me a swizzle swagger stick, and a flyin’ scarf! I probably know more military history than they do!!! Come on, you want a piece of me?!

Hey! This is all we need…Some “Crystal Blue Insurgent Detergent! With Taliban Enzyme Action!”, by the trusted “Defeat the Tide” Brand! In the Red State Box! Made by Foxhole and Gamble, the consumer products company! Just a couple Million Pounds will do it! I’ll just put it on my credit card! Do you take the new Arbitrary Extended Platinum Preemptive Invasion Visa? Master of the Universe Card? How about Discover?

What? I’m over my Credit Limit? That’s impossible! We’re Republicans! We don’t have no stinking Credit Limit when it comes to WAR, Baby! Got it? Now slide that card down your Credit Slut Slot, again, and shut up, and don’t give me any more fucking problems! Don't Think, you're a Republican! No Deficit Spending is gonna stand in the way of a Republican War!

At the New Yawk Times Thought Control Department...

"Hey! Dude! I thought I told you to STOP Callin' Here!

Okay, one more time...We ONLY print the news that's Fit to print, and yours, pal, ain't fit to print! Okay? You gotta FIT the MOLD, and You my friend would just Upset People, and upset the Tea Cart, and we just can't have that. You're Too Much Thought, you gotta Simplify...simple thoughts, for Simple People!

Now just Go Away! You are really startin' to Bug Me!

We have a Business to run here! What do you think this is...a NEWS paper? Geez, where did you get THAT idea?"

Signed,
Faint Bernard
Back here, way, way back, in the back.

Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights, and memories, reserved and preserved, in chocolate strawberry Jam Bands, but not that syrupy sweet, aimless meandering Grateful Dead shit. Cream Jams...Allman Brothers jams...now they're real Jams!

Including Preserving the Horrible Mental Memory Jam, and Napalm Jelly Jam, of the Viet Nam “Black Victory” Memorial, and the Vietnam Psychedelic Marmalade Memory Experience. Now that's a Real War Memorial, Authentic, with a capital "A", and "A" spells American! And don't you forget it, Sissy Boy!

Didn’t some Gook Chink Chick Design That Vet Nam Memoral?? No Wonder We Lost the War! Them Slanty Eyed Yellow Skinned Gook Chinks were EVERYWHERE!

If only we’d Bombed Hanoi…or invaded China, we coulda’ Won! Damn!

If we just Used a couple a them Nookler A-Bombs! Them Roosians and Chiynee woulda peed in their pants, and run home like little pissant FAGS!

It was them Nervous Nelly Pollytishuns, them Squeamish little Queer Boys, them sissypants in Washington, that tied our hands behind our Back! All our Boys died for Nothin', because them pollytishuns didn't have No guts!

Here, have some Ice Cold Agent Orange, it’ll Quench your Blood Thirst. It's nice and frosty from the Fridge! Let me know when you want another! There's plenty there, in my mental ice box!

Damn, this is Good Stuff! Mighty thirst Quenchin', ain't it? I think I'll have me some More!

Hey, lookee here! The label says “Made in Viet Nam, by Coca-Cola!” I'll be damned! We won after all!

Damn, that’s some mighty Unorthodox Military Strategy there, ain’t it? It’s like Bizarro World! You do the Opposite of what the Enemy Expects! Holy Cow, I think we’re on to something here!

You see, you Retreat, or Retreat with Honor, and the enemy, he ain’t Spectin’ that at all, no sir! It throws ’em totally off their guard, and then, it softens ’em up, and then they start lookin’ for Soda Pop, all on their own!

Yes, sir, after their throats is good and parched, they wanna build their own Soda Pop Factory, make Money, and let Cooler Heads prevail! It’s like when Captain Picard on Star Trek infected the Borg Commie Pinko Collective with the Mental Virus of Free Market Individualism, and then they decide to Dominate the Soda Pop Market, instead of Conquering Earth, and the Entire Galaxy!

Just goes to show ya’, you can lead a Guerrilla to Soda Pop, but you can’t make him drink! No, sir! Sometimes it can take up to fifty, or a hundred years! You just gotta be patient, like a cat, or a fox, or a foxcat, and wait until the guerrilla is good, and thirsty!

And get a Good Sized Box, to Contain the Guerrilla in!

Nothing like a good container, to keep your soda pop cold, while your waiting for a guerrilla to drink! That’s whut I always say! But Hell, whut the fuck do I know? I ain’t no 5 star Gineral!

I’m just a Fucked, Buck Private, Private Citizen!

Ain’t nobody gonna listen to my Strategic Plan!

Pass me another Cool One from the fridge, will ya’?
Here’s to Cooler Heads!

May they Prevail!

Ka-CHINK!

Damn! Did ya hear that? Didn’t I tell you them CHINKS WERE EVERYWHERE!

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