The Old Red Menace Was Communist Control. The New Menace is Corporate and Religious Power, Castrating Democracy’s Limp We-Ness! Here is the Report from Your Future!
In the year 2510, approximately 400 years after Global Warming and the Political Calamity first began, Disaster struck with a Final Vengeance.
It was this year, with the Final Piece of the puzzle now in place, that Bill Gates, encased inside every worldwide manufactured Intel Chip, unveiled his latest Operating System, Windows 17,776 (1.0a.dicfuk), also known as “Freedom Revolution Basic Vista Mount Johnson Fishpond SUV Premium Hummer Wad”.
The almost Self-Intelligent Windows Machines, known universally as The Universal Fucked Up Bastard Master Motherboards, were now Finally and Really able to “Plug n Play”, so they formed an Alliance with the 100 BigBiz Corporations, known as the “Corpses”, run by creepy, half dead, calculating University Business School students, with synthetic Valvoline Motor Oil for blood, and a missing brain section called the Ethical Lobe.
With Eager Cooperation from the half human, half machine Robo RepubliCant Party, resurrected from the dead by Jesus of Disneyland, and known as Repos, Gopos, Repo-Gops, or more disparagingly, as RepubliCunts, all three had finally taken Full Monopoly Control of the World, the Earth’s Satellite System, and peoples daily lives, right down to how often, and when, they could pee.
[Some definitions: “Cant”- Insincere clichés and jargon, hence, a Republican spouting Cant is a “RepubliCant”. A “RepubliCunt” is a female Republican, with blond hair, and an insincere, manipulating smile, spouting crappy Old School Flash Card Republican Cant, like Ann Cooter, or Moanica Low Crawley, or George Will, and often married to an old rich guy, with a dribbley little dick.
Compare “Cant” to the other common form of Republican “Can’t”, or “Can not”, which means “Just Say No to the People!”, or “Yes for the Rich, and No for Everyone Else!”, or “One for Me, and None for You!”, or, just plain old “No Can Do”. Both are very similar in meaning, boiling down to, “if you’re not rich, you’re fucked.”
These are all variations on the Basic Classic “Nancy Reagan”, which is, “Just say No!” Republicans like things Simple, very simple. Easier to fool the People with, said the big bad Wolf to Little Red Riding Hood!]
Holy Jesus! It Can’t Happen Here!
In the New Evangelical Corporate World State, a picture of Jesus, the Great Holy One, is required by Law, to be hung above everyone’s toilet, even if you are a Jew, Muslim or atheist, so you will think purifying thoughts, as you de-purify your bladder.
Inside Jesus’ right and left eyes are two camera lenses that record your bathroom activities. If you act purely, Jesus’ right eye will blink in approval, and if you act suspiciously, Jesus will blink his left eye in disapproval.
Scientologists, in exchange for not calling for their far off space buddies to come back and attack Earth, are allowed to hang a picture of a flying saucer with two glowing portholes that blink left and right over their toilet seat, and a patented Scientology “E-Meter” (a super secret gizmo of specialized Scientific ability never before known to mankind) is hooked up to the Toilet Seat, and will just about zap your nuts off, if you don’t poop hard enough for Elron Hubbard, founder of the Scientology “Bowel Movement”.
All Scientologers, while taking a shit, must wear a White Sea Captains Hat and sunglasses, stare at the ceiling fan with a far off wistful look, and think dreamy thoughts about Tom Cruise.
Big Churchment Beats Big Gubmint by a Mile!
Intrusive “Big Churchment Socialism” is now the Holy Law of the Land (Maria Law, not Sharia Law). Big Churchment is vastly different from “Big Gubmint”, because with Big Gubmint you could still vote and throw the fuckers out, but with Big Churchment they burn you alive at the stake, shoot you with your own M-16, and throw in all your stock-piled Armageddon Ammo for extra bang.
Big Bureaucratic RepubliCant Religious Control of the One World Corporate State (BBRCRCOWCS, aka “Big Brown Cowardly Cow Cunts from Confederate States”), is now so intrusive into peoples lives, and so controlling of peoples thoughts and minds, it is called the “Freedom of the Individual to Conform”, or the “Individualism of the Group”, or “Surrendering your Freedom, to Gain the Liberty, of the Religious Dictator State”.
Or even more simply as, “NuFreedom, the Freedom to Believe Conformity and Religious Dictatorship is Freedom”!
ALL Citizens are required, or mandated by runaway activist preacher law judges, to have a Personal Relationship with Jesus, and must purchase a yearly Religious Fishing and Hunting License and maintain Minimum Spiritual Insurance Coverage.
The right to “Abort”, or bail out, from the Religious Dictatorship, is Not Allowed! You can Roe the boat, or Wade in the water, but you can’t Bail out of the boat! Abortion is a no-no! It’s Roe versus Wade, but no Abort! And you can’t make a loud angry Row either! No loud arguing! Decision Final!
All Citizens must also report yearly for Annual Thought Examinations, called “Confessionals”. A Preacher Proctologist reaches up your ass, and examines your religious thoughts from the inside out. A fiber optic Holy Light Scope is used.
When greeting or leaving people, all citizens must now raise their right arm straight out, click their heels together, and say in a stupid Southern American, Nazi German Accent, “High His Verse! One Christian Religion, One World Corporate State, Praise Be to Jesus, and to Our Highest Profit and Prophet!”
The Water “Borning Again”, Christian Citizen State!
All Citizens in the United Religious States of America are now required to be Mentally Born Again, in a process known as Thought Washing.
Citizens are held UNDER WATER, unable to breath, until they see the bright light of brain cells dying from lack of Oxygen. Then the ProsecutorPreacherJudgeSenator (this is a religious dictatorship remember) yells, “Have you seen Jesus yet?” Whereupon the Citizen promptly yells back, “YES! Please let me BREATH AGAIN!”
Christians Cleanse World of Wrong Religions and Races!
After taking over the Military and installing New Christian Command and Control, the RepubliCant Nuclear Strategy promptly “disinfected” the world of Muslims, Jews, Faggots, Lesbians, Hindus, Buddhists, Catholics, Unitarians, Quakers, Scientologists, and Genetically Inferior Blacks, which nicely eliminated the shitty Rap “music” Problem, restored White Supremacy in the South, and brought back White Christian Education Academies all over the South.
Only light skinned blacks are still allowed in the military, because they are considered to have the half white, or Superior White Genes still in them. But if they have a “Sinful Desire to Choose to be All Black”, they are not supposed to tell, and the military won’t ask.
Which I guess is a strong reminder to “Be careful who you choose to be, because you might get what you want!”
Whuh?
Our New Religious Dictator! God Tells the Preacher, and the Preacher Tells You What to Do! No More Freedom for You! Boo-Hoo!
The President of the One World Religious Corporate State is a Baptist Pentecostal Mormon Preacher from Alabama, Texas, or Louisiana, or the New Republic of Militia Skinhead Nazi White Christian Land.
His Early Family Life is a little unclear, but it is, shall we say, Very Troubled, requiring him to seek love in all the wrong places, mainly from top down, patriarchal, authoritarian movements, to replace the love he didn’t get as a child. This will become a Pattern we shall see throughout many Republican’s lives.
He has now made it his Business to Force You to believe exactly what he believes, so that he will feel Secure in his belief.
Study the above two paragraphs. If you understand them, you will pass the Test with Flying Colors! But only the color White! (Just kidding!)
Crazy Is As Crazy Does!
The New Headcase PreacherKingPresident of the United Christian Corporate States of Merca sports a large, wavy, silver Elvis pompadour, that jiggles when he walks. He also carries a large pet poisonous Snake, named Little Pinky Bad Boy, that he carries with him everywhere, in a golden cage labeled “Paradise Lost”.
On his hip he carries a Huge Pistol, a gold plated copy of the Original Small town Sheriff Pistol, that has been used since the beginning of Time to scare Niggers, and Northern Agitators just passin thru, in small towns all across America, especially the South.
On the other hip he carries a ten foot long, coiled Bull Whip, as thick as a Black Man’s Penis, that he Cracks on Stage when he wants to emphasize Burning in Hell, or what would happen to you if you Disobeyed The Big Daddy, Big Churchment, Religious Dictatorship, One World Corporate Government State, of, for and by, “The People”.
In the middle of Speeches To His People, which he gives daily, directly from the new Evangelical Cathedral Studio, installed at the renamed “White God’s House” at 1600 Evangelical Rapture Transformation Thou Shalt Not Take GodsNameinVainia Avenue, in WashingClean, D.C. (District of Christ), he will often begin speaking in Tongues, or just bark, meow or howl, at a glowing plastic SunHungMoon hung over the stage, during the parts of His Speech that are most unclear, which is usually most of the time.
Outside, on the White God’s House Lawn, are Animatron Statues of Jesus, that recite Biblical Parables to passing Tourists who can press a button on the fence, to hear and see Miracles performed, in what is now called the Rosy Evangelical Garden of Eden.
His assistant, a Southern woman with large, protruding, in-your-face tits, a Deep and Vast make-upped “Grand Canyon Valley of Cleavage”, and a HUGE ASS that looks like a railroad train Caboose, or the deck of an Aircraft Carrier you could land a small plane on, with platinum hair, red lips, and impeccably dressed in her Sunday Finest (what Riches God doth bring to those who Ask), Nods Approvingly, while Squinching her Eyes Heavenward, at Everything The Preacher Man says, Barks, Howls, meows, or spits.
The name of the DictatorPreacherPresident of the New One World Religious Corporate State is Eldon D. Frockenhockenflock, and his words Dripped like Honey onto His subdued and submissive, Sheep-like Flock.
His Vice Preacher President is Dewitt Mahway.
And the Secretary of State, of the New Christian State, is Morley Lesley Whippins.
Democracy had long ago, been pronounced dead, at the hands of the Christian Republican Party.
All Citizens were now required, under penalty of Holy Christian Corporate Law, to surrender their Freedom, to the New Religious Corporate State.
Many soon decided it was better to live on their knees, than to die on their feet.
* * *
Rebooted, and Refucked, by Bill Gates, until Eternity Freezes Over!
The Three Way Alliance, while very much in World Control, was also unfortunately prone to computer software crashes, because the MicroShit operating system (originally known as “MS-DOS”, or “Micro Shit - Dick Operating System”) that controlled ALL the Computers in the World, was and for now until Eternity, the Only Computer Operating System that would EVER be available to the World, thanks to Bill Gates, bugs and all. Some said it still used Windows 95 code, from 500 years ago.
Bill Gates, co-founder of the MicroShit Nerd Herd Monopoly, had long ago installed his incredibly irritating Brain inside an Intel Chip, and was Born Again with each new Operating System, now up to Windows 17,776, also known as the “Never Ending, Endlessly Irritating, Premium Freedom Ultra Vista”, or whatever mountain, river or fishpond was popular in Oregon, at the moment.
Gates would periodically reappear on everyone’s computer screens, at unpredictable and completely startling moments, as a full sized, fool sized Dick Head, and proceed to talk endlessly, for hours, but saying absolutely nothing, that couldn’t be said in about one minute.
At other times Gates would just nod and smile, looking pretty much like just another well fed, business shark, monopoly geek, while his wife talked about how money from Ruthless Monopoly Capitalists, stored in large Foundations, could save starving black babies in Africa.
His unbelievably irritating Squeaky Voice, and his endless speeches saying vast quantities of Empty Nothing, caused many cubicle workers, who were now Legally chained to their desks, to commit suicide by swallowing their Mouse, thereby cutting off their Air Supply, and choking to death.
The Corporations responded by “offering” mandatory classes in the Heimlich Maneuver, after work on the employee’s own time, and banning cordless mice.
Dulled, Lulled, and then Bulled, Into Sleepy Acceptance.
Global Warming had created extremely high levels of Hair Curling Humidity, which made people very hot and sleepy, gave them 1970s style “Perms”, and made them look like they had silver, wiggly, Cheer Leader style “Pom-Poms” on their heads, or blond “Afro-Boogie” hairdos.
The Unbearable Heat made people unable to think clearly, even with the Megatron A/C Units on Ultra High, that were located at every street corner. It was difficult for people to realize what was happening at a political level, because they were always fighting the Heat.
But on the plus side, energy was free, or almost free at this point, due to the high concentration of Mini-Nuke Plants, usually one for every suburban or city townhouse backyard.
The Trade Off was that nearly everyone had a mutated break in their Gene Code, so that most people had a visible, and unusual physical feature, that had never before been seen in Mankind.
Most people just adjusted and said “What the Fuck!” Or they tried to hide the extra pinky finger sticking out from the side of their neck, or the extra clitoris on the tip of their tongue, or they just bought the new long lasting Cover-Up Make-Up, “New Evolution”, by Evlon.
The Evil Tipping Point! The Point of No Return! Too Late To Turn Back Now!
But then Something Happened, something so Evil, so Clever, so Subtle, that it Tipped the Balance, and made it impossible for Freedom to ever exist again on the small planet called Earth again!
Something so small, so Hidden, that very few realized its Significance at first. And when they did finally realize it, it was too late to stop it!
It grew, like a creeping Kudzu vine that crowds out everything else, like a Chia Pet, like the opening petals of a Flower, but in Fast Action Photography motion. Slowly at first, but then faster, and Faster, and then so FAST it became, unbelievably, UNSTOPPABLE!
WHAT WAS IT? What Could It Have Been? Why Didn’t We See It Coming?
It was the U.S. Supreme Court.
In the last month of the year 2009, they declared that, “CORPORATIONS had the Same Rights as PEOPLE”! That’s right! That “Corporations were exactly the SAME AS People”!
Corporations “had the Same Rights of Free Speech as People Did”, and therefore were free to buy as much Political Advertising as they wanted to influence who was elected, and could use their almost Unlimited Supply of Corporate Shareholder Money to help elect “Their” favored Candidate!
Corporations were now Free to Act just like they were Voter’s like you and me! They could now Compete against regular Voters who were Real People, against ordinary people with very limited funds and time, and against ordinary PEOPLE who are not Organized and Super Rich like Giant Super Corporations are!
And why aren’t regular voters super organized and super rich like Giant Corporations are? Because they’re PEOPLE, Not Corporations!
Corporations are a Man Made Legal Entity! Corporations aren’t people! They’re like Legalized Robots! They are a man-made money machine, constructed according to certain rules, organized around legal principles, and Built to Serve Us! Not Control Us!
WAKE UP! CALL PAUL REVERE! THE CORPORATE ROBOTS ARE COMING!
And guess what? Economist Milton Friedman, the darling of the Right, who advised AGAINST this practice of using Corporate Money to Influence Elections, is now thrown right out the window! That’s how contradictory the Right is, when it gets in a greedy Mad Rush to step on its own dick, to get more money, or to control politicians!
Republicans say they are all for protecting freedom, but what they are really protecting is the right of the Corporations to get even richer by controlling all the politicians! And screw the Little People in the process, who don’t need rights, freedom, or justice, because they’re just in the way.
And after this Supreme Court Decision, a torrent, a gusher, a Niagara Falls of Corporate Money was Unleashed upon the World, in amounts never before seen, Overwhelming Political Systems all over the World!
And from then on, Individual Citizens never had a chance to elect anyone that was not in the pocket, and under the control, of the Worldwide BigBiz Corporate “Corpses” after that.
The Profit Machines, the BigBiz Corpses, the Financial Fascists, the Computerized Nano Nerdites, and the Robot Republicunt Religious Freaks, now had Complete Control of all the state and federal Congressmen and Senators!
And the Individual Citizen, John Doe, and Sally Citizen? Well, they were Totally Fucked! Out of the Loop! Cooked, Stuffed, and Deader, than a Dead Duck!
Fat Chance anybody in power, would ever listen to them again, with the tiny little cash peanuts, that jiggled in their pants, available for their political defense!
* * *
“Life” After the Corporate and Religious Takeover of the State.
Life changed dramatically after that, but in some ways it still had a strange resemblance to what had gone before.
Most people now lived in air-tight sealed homes. Backyards were no longer played in, but were consumed with the nuclear machinery and solar panels needed to clean the air inside the home, and replace the oxygen that people still needed to breath.
It looked a lot like Giant Scuba Gear for your house, sitting in your backyard, with the Solar Panels resembling big floppy Swim Flippers, and the Nuke Cooling Tower looking like a Big Stubby Snorkel on a fat, American, coral reef tourist.
Suburban Princesses didn’t dream of having white picket fences anymore, because the Solar Radiation that leaked through the degraded ozone layer toasted the fences a crispy black. Outside exposure, without an Enviro Suit, could kill you. Women got married dressed in Black. Artsy New York Types said it was appropriate, considering the Divorce Rate had now reached 92.67 percent. On the plus side, black was very slimming, and most women still felt slim gave them more Sexual Power then chunky.
But if you still wanted a Down Home Backyard Barbecue, you just opened a window, and held the Hot Dogs outside for a minute or too, and they would be done. Although most people just used LighterCue, a combination of Napalm, Super Glue, and Mesquite Flavoring. And most people just used tubes of Synthetic Meat Paste anyway, since there was no longer any room left to raise real animals, due to higher ocean levels, and a vastly larger global population.
Controlling Joe Dick, Thru His Joy Stick!
If there was one thing that hadn’t changed, it was Man’s Desire to stick his dick in a Woman’s Wet Pussy.
Corporations exploited this Male Hormonal Chemical Imbalance by selling fashionable, Visual Sexual Stimulation Accessories for women to wear, that produced Instant Erections in Men, and called it “Normal Everyday Wear”.
These accessories included tight, thin, Skimpy, Revealing, body conforming, see-thru clothing, along with perfumes, Female Body Part re-arrangement devices, and Theatrical Sex Face Make-up, that made women’s faces look like Wild Animals in Heat, and in the Throes of an Incredible, Wild Eyed Orgasm, all while walking around the street, or standing there talking to you in Church about Jesus.
It was about all a Man’s Penis could bear. With the amazing and continuous Sexual Stimulation that women seemed intent on providing men, in pursuit of advertising their wares, it was no wonder little boys and men went home at night, and masturbated like the World was going to End, and no one seemed to care.
Although Sperm counts had dropped to near zero, due to genetic defects and chemicals in the water, most men just used “Immaculate Conception”, the new genetically altered Synthetic Clone Sperm, made by New Seed Miracle Gro, and the new Hi-Test Maximum Octane Testosterone with PowerBoost, Injection Cleaners, and Chamber Lube.
Retarding the Spark wasn’t necessary anymore, since a certain amount of Engine Knock was desired for maximum MPG, or meat per groan, or groin. (Hey, you knew I was gonna get that in, somehow! Oh yeah, Baby, way in! As Deep as it will GO! Hot Mamma!)
Towards Synthetic Plastic Perfection!
The Basic Human hadn’t changed much, as far as oxygen consumption was concerned, although the newer more efficient “low ox” humans were just coming on stream from the Bio Lab Gen Farms.
Many women, in addition to entire “body lifts”, now also routinely replaced their Vaginas, with newer, tighter synthetic models after 40, to keep their men happy, and under control, and working at full production capacity at their Corporate Jobs.
If you dropped below your Required Job Production Quota (RJPQ), thereby lowering your “Assigned Capitalist Dollar Value” (ACDV), you could lose your House, be denied Vaginal Access, and you would be issued a much lower Square Foot Ration. You could even lose your Business Marriage Contract, if a Breach of Contract Divorce Rating were issued, by the Merger and Acquisition Marriage Court.
All the men used some form of permanent erection drug, like PermRect, or Infinahard, and most couldn’t tell the difference between a synthetic vagina, or a real one, especially since the synthetic ones had the new built-in, non-stop, lubrication system called Perma-Lube, with multi flavors.
But many men still said they didn’t want the Flavor Option, or even the Neutral Base Flavor, to many women’s frustrated dismay.
So to increase the men’s purchase rate of the Vaginal Flavor Option, and increase Corporate World Government profits, CorpGov was offering a massive new ad campaign for men, called PIEEEE, or Pussy Instructions for Elevated Enhanced Eating Enticement. Men who partook of a weekly or daily meal of “pie”, that is, actually ate the pussy, with tender, hungry, starving, loving gusto, like a starving dog lapping up a bowl of juicy beef, would have their Vaginal Access Ration increased, and would receive extra Ration Points for other Consumer Products and Activities, and would be Pussy Whipped fewer times per Month.
Clothing manufacturers, in response to these new corporate mandated sexual trends, had adopted a new frontal pant “sleeve” for the men’s constant erection, and most people thought it quite fashionable. Some even came with Velcro straps. Although critics complained that with the clothing industries typical “false” sizing, the sleeves should really be called puffed up “wind socks”.
Big Foot, Big Dick? Big Carbon Foot Print, Big Hard-On Wood Prick?
Carl Happsteam, Basic Production/Consumption Unit #944-768-CH-BPCU, reported to the Enviro Center for his annual Carbon Footprint Checkup. All humans were required by the United Corporate World Government to have tiny bio sensors installed at birth that measured and reported each Human Production Unit’s Carbon intake and output, and pollution levels.
If you didn’t reach your maximum expected Personal Consumption Pollution Levels, your Sex Ration Card Limit was lowered, until you increased your Consumption to match the new higher polluting Corporate Mandated Levels.
If you asked questions, you would be fined for Insubordination to Corporate Conformity. If you didn’t knuckle under, and jam the penis shaped Corporate Mental Breathalyzer into your mouth, and submit to regular Deep Throat Mental Pollution Exams, you risked losing your job, and having your wife and kids starve, and your erection privileges removed.
This was all part of the Corporate Government Plan called, “Price Rations Life”, and “Better Life Through Price!” Electro-boards by roadsides proclaimed, “For a Better Life, Pay the Corporate Price! Or Else!”
This was always followed by a picture of our honored Corporate Preacher Leader, in Full Dress Pinstripes and Yellow Power Tie, surrounded by his Corporate Staff, and standing in front of, the People’s Congress of Lobbyists, of the Corporate Religious States of America.
The Flag of Jesus flew above the NuAmerican Flag at the White God’s House, and everyone was forced to believe in Jesus, whether they wanted to or not.
Non believers were regularly burned alive at the stake on the White God’s Lawn, or at God’s Justice Department, near the Christian Re-Education Department. The Supreme Court was now staffed by Preacher Judges.
The Original U.S. Constitution had been destroyed, and replaced with the New Christian Bible.
And everyone was required to go to church, whether they wanted to or not.
TO BE CONTINUED…
IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE!
BELIEVE IT, OR NOT!
Signed,
Faint Bernard
A Squint, and a Hop, into your Future!
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All Rights reserved, including my right to be “indistinguishable” from a corporation. Corporations are No Different from People! Why? Because Corporations ARE PEOPLE! See how easy, and logical, Republican NuLogic is! It’s Nuthink! I can’t wait to get my NuFreedom!
The problem is, are NuBalls just as good as Real BALLS?
Let me know, after the Republicans chop your’s off.
Hey, you didn’t need em! Why? Cuz you’re not a real person! You’re just the same as a Corporation!
You’ll catch on. It might take you a few hundred years, but you’ll get it, in the end!
And the Corporations will sell you some hemorrhoid crème, to make you feel better, while you’re getting it in the end!
Ahh, but that can’t happen here! This is America! Right?
That shit only happens in other countries!
Besides, those Powerful Corporations and Religious Dudes, they’ll all calm down and get more reasonable, once they’re in POWER, don’t you think?
We don’t have ANYTHING to worry about, that’s what I say!
That kinda shit just happened back in the Old Days! Not Now! Are you NUTS, or what?
* * *
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Top Classic Military Slogans for Fighting Dirty Guerrilla Wars, with Crystal Blue Anti-Insurgent Detergent! The General's Grand Utopian Illusions!
The Oral Opiates, and Grand Illusions, of the General’s Utopian Delusions. One More Year Should Do It, Trust Me!
And the Top Slogans Are, Envelope Please!
1. “I see Light at the end of the Tunnel, and it’s a guerrilla fighter, with a Flashlight! I see Light, and it’s the Bright Flame from the Muzzle Blast of an AK-47! Or, I feel very Light, and it’s the Shock Wave from a Roadside Bomb!”
“Or, it’s the Bright Sunlight, coming through the Rocket Hole in my chest!”
“Or…or…it’s the Bright Light just before I meet Jesus!”
“Hi Jesus, what are YOU doing here?! Top of the mornin’ to ya! Have you been to Mass yet? Oh good, then we can go together! I just love your robe, where did you get it? How do you keep your beard so clean? You know, I just can’t seem to find the right shampoo to keep my hair clean under these desert conditions!”
2. “The Viet Namese-Iraqi-Afghani Army is getting Stronger by the minute…Every Day! As we speak! Really! I have a Pocket Watch! See! Look! Tick…tick…tick…KA-BOOM!”
(The South Vietnamese Army collapsed 10 days after we left Viet Nam, and we were there for 12 years. We trained them Very Well!)
3. “We CAN defeat the Taliban…IF we Bomb Hanoi, back to the Stone Age! Well, it was a Long Shot…” (see Hanoi, capitol of North Vietnam)
“We could…uh…maybe…just possibly…it is within the realm of probable probability, uh, certainly with a lotta Luck, and the Wind at our back…just might be able to defeat the Taliban…if we Bomb Lots of Stuff, with extra precise, and precisely precise precision, and Target the New Tallyban, and the Old Tannenbaum as well, and all of “All Khyber”, making sure not to let Al Queda Pass thru the Khyber Pass, and bomb them all, right back to the Stone Age!”
(see Air Force General Curtis Lemay, Stone Age, bombs, ka-boom, etc., Khyber Pass, elephants, Hannibal, the A-Team, George Peppard, Mr. T, and German Christmas Carols. That should keep you busy.)
4. “If we invade Cambodia, (see Dick Nixon, Invasion of Cambodia), this will put pressure on Burma, which will put pressure on India, which will put pressure on Pakistan, you can see where I’m going with this, which will put pressure on the Taliban. Ya think? Maybe? Just a little??”
(See Under Pressure by Queen, and Pressure Drop, from The Harder They Come. Also see Dropping from the Pressure, U.S. Army, Iraq extended deployment, stop loss policy.)
5. “Can we get the Vietnamese to “insurgitate” Afghanistan? What if we used Crystal Blue Persuasion by Tommy James and the Shondells, as an “Anti-Insurgent Detergent”? Or did they just sing “Hang On Sloopy”, “with what you’ve got”? Or should we be singing “Stair Way to Heaven”, by Political Lead Zeppelin Balloon? Come on, work with me here!”
6. Run DMZ -- See “Run DMC”, an early rap group, and the “DMZ”, in the Viet Nam-American War.
The “Demilitarized Zone” was an empty strip of No-man’s Land, separating North and South Vietnam, stripped bare of all vegetation through use of Agent Orange, an orange colored pesticide that killed everything in its path, including American soldiers, years later from Cancer. Designed to stop pesky insurgent infiltration.
Now the expression, “Run! DMZ!” is used by confused white people, who get off the freeway at the wrong exit, and find themselves in a black ghetto, and shout, “Run! We’re in a DeMoralized Zone!”
The Demoralized Zone is where angry, uneducated, heavily armed gangsta Black Kids, with low self esteem and low morale, dress in baggy clothes and funny hats, and ride around in lawless, crime ridden areas, controlled by Tribal Warring Gang Lords, while driving Pimped Out Hummers, that go BOOM-BOOM, and HIP-HOP up and down, when they blast out a hit that’s “A BOMB”.
While driving around and Infiltrating the local population, they sell popular and Poppy Seed drugs, and listen to addictive Hip Hop Pop Hits, also known as roadside “IEDs”, or Improvised Entertainment Devices, or “IVVD-CRDs” (Improvised Venereal Disease Video Compact Rap Discs), which are the “Opiates of Delusion, to a Disillusioned People”, and make traveling the roadway of life Very Dangerous.
They also keep growing New Recruits of hard core, bitter ender, fundamental crack and heroin addicts, as they Win the “Fear and Behinds” of the people. These Fundamental Gangsters live and work in desolate, abandoned areas, known only as the Hood, or the “Red Lined, Black Zone”, and give the whole area a bad rap, as well as vast quantities of bad, Rap “music”.
Run DMZ has proven to be very effective in keeping White People from infiltrating, investing, or insurging, into the barren lifeless Black Zone, and shows how difficult it is to bring economic, and political stability to a War Zone, and the futility of trying to win Guerrilla, and gulp, “gorilla” wars. RUN! White Boy in the DMZ!
Law enforcement officials say bringing Law and Order, or Security and Stability to the DMZ, is very difficult, because the Insurgents “blend in” with the Local Population, which is just a more Diplomatic way of saying, it’s impossible to tell one Black Dude from another, and that all insurgents look alike.
Since the Cops don’t know who the Enemy is in the DMZ, and who isn’t, they don’t know who to shoot under the current Rules of Engagement, so they basically just end up shooting Everybody, often over and over again, until all the ammunition runs out.
By ventilating the Insurgents body with multiple bullet holes, it briefly brings down the temperature of the Hot Zone, or LZ, (the Lead Zone in the Hood, or in Vietnam, a hot helicopter Landing Zone), but then it raises the temperature of the Local Population in the days and weeks ahead, making it even more difficult for Counter Insurgency Operations in the Black zone, also known as Black Ops.
Ventilating the Insurgent also allows the Spirit of the Insurgent to Escape more quickly to “A Better Place”, presumably a Gated Heavenly Community, with a Security Guard to allow those in who belong to the Only Correct Religion.
And WHAT my friends, has REALLY changed, in “Military Minds”, in the 28 years, or a quarter Century, since Vietnam?
Well, THEN they said we were fighting an “INFILTRATION”. NOW they say we are fighting an “INSURGENCY”!
Each word still has Four Syllables, but it really is a Big Difference in Strategy, and it shows how much the Ginerals have Lerned, and lernitated, in 28 Yeers of Milletary Spearience!
Them Boys is SMERT, and Quick with their History Lessons!
Same War, different Word! Them boys is Clevver!
(“Demoralized” has two definitions. One is low morals, or lack of morals. Another is low morale. Either one can lead to the other. Without jobs, low morale can result, and then low morals can follow.)
7. Agent Orange -- Similar to Orange Crush, Mountain Dew, and Pepsi, this Soft Drink is designed to Win the Taste Buds of the People, causing them to Seek the American Way of Life, and become fat, diabetic, and addicted to Sugar and Junk Food. Very popular in “The DMZ", although may cause cancer of the mind, and diabetes of the soul.
Has a gooey, sticky, sour taste, that lingers long in your mouth, for many years afterwards.
8. “Peace with Honor”- This is a “reverse” slogan, that really means “Retreat…We got Our Butts Kicked!” Tricky Dick Nixon came up with this one, or one of his speechwriter assholes did.
9. “No One will Ever Trust Our Commitments Again! If we Cut and Run Now!”
Hell, even Superman can be defeated by enough Kryptonite! This one is a lot like, “I’d rather be Broke, Stubborn, and Dead...than live to fight another day!”
Hasn't anyone ever heard of "Better to live, to fight another day?" Or, "It's the Long Run that counts, Stupid!"
And like we're really doing all this fighting, just to Convince the Super Trustworthy, uh-hmm, excuse me, Super Untrustworthy, other Politicians and Regimes, around the World?
10. “I don’t want to be the First U.S. President to Lose a War!” Classic. Total Idiot style of thinking. This is the “LBJ”, (the “Long painful Blow Job”), or, just “The Johnson” (named after Lyndon Baines Johnson, the president who said this during the Viet Nam War. He created the “Great Society“ Domestic Plan, then chucked it all away in Viet Nam. Leave it to the Politicans to Piss Away the Cash, and Fuck the people at home.)
A Totally Insane reason for fighting a god damned war. All for the EGO of One Fucking Man, who leaves office in 4 years. Can you imagine what it was like when they had Kings, who could really FUCK UP THE KINGDOM, and fuck the PEASANTS, Over Much Longer Periods of Time?
“Oh yes, My Lord! Whatever you say, Your Majesty! What's that you say? Fall on my Sword...but first bring you all the Virgins? Certainly, My King!”
11. “If we don’t stop them now, all of Southeast Asia will Fall, like Dominoes, and the Commie Pinkos will soon be in Los Angeles, wearing Black Pajamas!” ( PJ’s- the Vietnamese peasant outfit.)
This is the one they use to SCARE YOU WITH! The BOOGEYMAN, just OUTSIDE THE DOOR! AH-WOOOOOO! WOOF! WOOF! SCRATCH! SCRATCH! SNIFFETY-SNIFF SNIFFETY!
“IF WE DON’T DO SOMETHING DRASTIC, IMMEDIATELY…WE’RE DOOMED!”
“THE SKY IS FALLING! SAID CHICKEN LITTLE. WE’RE ALL GONNA GET ROASTED, IN A BIG POT!”
The way it really worked is, after we left Viet Nam, or shall I say “Skeedaddled”, the Vietnamese started to have border wars with their previous ally, China! Then, Lo and Behold, China became Capitalist, and Vietnam became a Huge Exporter of Rice! And then Viet Nam begged the U.S. to Come Back, and build Coca-Cola Factories!
Come Back, Little Sheba! 58,000 Americans DEAD, for WHAT? For the EGO, and PRIDE of the Generals and Politicians? We could have waited 35 years and gotten the same FUCKING RESULT! Work smart, not stupid. Fight Smart, not stupid.
And have a Coke.. preferably Classic Coke, not that Wussy sweet shit, Pepsi, which is for kids and girls.
12. “We had to DESTROY the Village, in order to SAVE IT!” This one is probably the absolute Best, and is a very famous expression that came from the Viet Nam War.
Variations on this Classical Symphonic Theme are: We won the battle, but lost the war! We had to break the bank, in order to save it! We had to be stupid, to learn how to be smart!
We had to show those Commies who is Boss, even if we lost! We had to lose the war, to finally realize we couldn’t win it. We had to Burn Down Wall Street, to prove the Republican THEORIES of Self Regulating Markets were ALL WRONG, Oh Great Master Republican Dickhead Breath!
We had to cut off our Nose, to spite our Face. We had to Cut off our Dicks, to prove we were Men! We had to die senselessly, to prove we were Brave!
You want more?
13. “Bring back the Horse Cavalry, the Battleship, and the Maginot Line!” (If you don't laugh, you don't know much about Military History, at all. Really.)
14. “A Cop on every Street, and a Cop on every Beat, including in your bedroom!”
Let's use rich Republican Taxpayers to pay for all the extra cops to police the world! Republicans always like to start a War! OOPS! I forgot, Republicans like to fight wars on the Cheap, because it leaves more money left over for Industrial War Profiteers! (See Profiteers for America, by Jefferson Airplane.)
15. “An Apple a Day, keeps the Guerrilla fighters away?” Self explanatory.
See Conditions Required for Democracy, and Economic Development, in Underdeveloped Third World Countries, and in Vague, Nebulous and Unformed “Nation States”.
See also the Difficult Requirements for “Nation Building”, something Republicans hate to do, especially in America!
Which is just one of the reasons Iraq and Afghanistan are still so fucked up, after 8 years of Republican Bungling! And it also explains why all of our bridges and infrastructure in America are falling down! Now that’s what I call the sky is falling. Ba-dum-bump! Cymbal CRASH!
Think Katrina, New Orleans, and toppled highway bridges, and you get the vibe.
You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie Nose, FEMA Boy! Keep up all the good “Non-Work”! We don’t need no stinking Big Gubmint Socialist Rescue Work! Let the Fucking Unregoolated Free Market Save New Orleans!
Sell them Niggers some Swimwear! And goggles and swim fins and snorkels! Let ‘em sink or swim! That’s what I say! If they can’t survive in a totally free market, let ‘em Go out of Business!
Let ‘em BAIL themselves Out, of their flooded homes! If they had bought a bank, then we woulda given em a Bailout! They shoulda put their trust in the rock solid security of a Bank Vault!
16. “If we ALL LINE UP in a Row, wear Red Coats, and FIRE OUR MUSKETS, At the SAME TIME, I just know we can Defeat Those Damn Insurgents!”
17. “Damn those Bastard Insurgents! They shoot from behind Trees, and Kill Our Officers First, and refuse to come out and fight in a Straight Line, according to Civilized Rules of War! They're SAVAGES! Those American Revolutionary Colonists are outright Terrorists and Thugs! The British Empire, and King George, will not stand for this Infernal Poppycock!”
(See 18th Century rules of Gentlemanly Code of Conduct for War, updated and known today as the "Rules of Engagement, and Terms of Endearment, for Marriage and War". You see, war is a lot like getting married, with engagement rules, and heavenly bells, just before you’re Raped, Castrated or Killed!)
It's like fighting a Dirty National Laundry Insurgency with Blue Enzyme Action “Urgent Insurgent Detergent”! One cup per Load, will do Ya'! To the Fill Line! Ultra Concentrated! New and Improved!
With Strategic, and Tactical, Ethnic Cleansing Action! With Lemon Crisp Christian Flavor! For faster Washer and Dryer “End Times”! Oh, the Rapture of it All! Thank you Jesus, for Clothes SO FRESH! And the Colors stand out in such Brilliant Resurrection!
Oh God, I think...I think I'm getting an insurging ERECTION! Oh fuck me Jesus, for I have SINNED! Just how big is a Guerrilla Penis??
Will we succeed in Swallowing ALL of the INSURGENCY? Yes! SURGE IT IN! ALL OF IT, EVERY LAST Guerrilla Penis INCH OF IT! TO THE LAST CREAMY MAN DROP, AND TILL THE LAST MAN DROPS!
OH GOD, I'M BENDING OVER... I, WE, AMERICA...NEED...TO BE...FUCKED...BY A GIANT GUERRILLA PENIS! Oh, Lord Jesus, INSURGE ME NOW!
NOW ESCALATE! HIGHER, FASTER, HARDER! OHH, DEEEPER INTO “IN-CUNTRY”! WE NEED MORE MANPOWER! MUCH MORE! AS MANY AS WE CAN GET!
(In country - Nam expression for deep in the thick of the bush jungle. This was not the safe rear echelon. However, if you did get killed, which was quite likely, then you could probably say that, in general, you were “fucked in the rear echelon”. Also, Guerrilla Wars are one of the few wars where getting fucked in the rear echelon is a normal occurrence, since there is no real Front.)
Now, was it as good for me, as it will be for you?
Hey Bub! You’re either On the Clock…and On the Cock! This Guerrilla War fuck job is costing you and your Nation, lotsa Money!
Big time Deficit, on the clock, payroll time!
Over time rates, pal! Got my drift?
Now, what’s it gonna be? Are you In, or Out? Hard or Soft? It’s Your Dick, dickweed!
I got all the time in the world. We can do this slow, or we can do it fast. In the end, or in your end, you still get Fucked.
It’s Your Money! The guerrilla’s got his penis up your ass, and he ain’t taking it out, anytime at all, and if he does, it’s gonna be REAAL SLOOW!
Say, you got a match? I could use a Good Smoke. I feel I need one, especially when I’m getting fucked, over and over, and over again. Ya know whut I’m sayin’?
18. Ira Lohenbaum, aka "I Are A Loan Bomb", The Wall Street Wiz, says: “Maybe if we corner the market on Bananas, the Guerrillas will Give Up? Maybe if we Smoke 'em Out with Teaser Interest Rates, then whack 'em with a Big Balloon Payment, we can drive them out of their Homes, into the open, and into Foreclosure Pens for the final financial slaughter!”
“Hey! It worked here! Don't look at me, I'm just makin' a suggestion! Jesus!”
“I know! Maybe if we Invest huge sums of money in the safest Triple A Rated (Anti-Aircraft Artillery) Mortgage Security Canons (see Cannons versus Canons), secure them securely with No Down Payments, and No Doc Incomes, then we could shoot down the Guerrillas, when they fly by in their Giant Balloon Payments!? What do ya’ think??”
“Well, Excuse Me! I'm always Innovatin' here! It's not my fault I'm not a regulated "Innovator"! Hell, that would defeat the purpose of Financial Guerrilla Innovation, now wouldn't it?”
19. Shining Path!- A main roadway through Guerrilla Territory, like the heart of Baghdad, where street lights are unnecessary, because the night is lit by the light of Improvised Explosive Devices, or IEDs, which are similar to LEDs, (light emitting diodes), but much less energy efficient, probably due to the use of a “die mode“, instead of a “diode”.
The Shining Path is also the fastest road to climb the Shining Stairway to Heaven, and having a very, very personal relationship with Jesus.
(Shining Path- Latin American Peruvian guerrilla movement, defeated by Economic Development, that gave the poor people surrounding the cities, a better life, and a stake in the system. One of the very, very rare instances, of guerrilla defeat.)
20. Candle Far!- A town in Afghanistan, where Anti-“Insurgent” Strategy is accomplished by U.S. Army Chaplains, who light lots of universal, catholic, “Voter Motive Votive” candles, and pray the light will drive the Guerrillas, “far, far away, to another part of the Galaxy!”
(Safire ain’t got nothing’ on me, that nattering nabob of negatory negatism! He’s dead meat! Ten-four, Good Buddy! I’m puttin’ some armored protective metal, on the floor of my Hummer Pedal, so I can put my pedal to the metal, and get away from those Smokey Old Bandits! Yee-haa! This Convoy is Rollin’! Yes, Sir, we’re Smokin’ now, and it’s all cuz of them damn guerrilla Bandits! Damn! That IED done “Burnt my Reynolds” wrap on my CB Country Boy Ham Actor sandwich!)
(See Smokey and the Bandit, CB radio lingo, Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason as the Sheriff, and pop hit “Convoy”. Cannonball Run fits in their somehow.)
21. Candy Whore- A town not far from Candle Far, where an alternate anti-insurgent strategy is to give candy bars to Whores, in the hopes of occupying the Muslim insurgents with homesick longing for 72 Virgins.
The strategy was not as successful as hoped, but the Pentagon said this was because only two types of candy bars were handed out, “Fubars” and “Snafus”. The Pentagon said they were repackaging the strategy, and were planning an escalated “Surge” of different flavors of Snafus and Fubars, including a chocolate bar called “Surge“, with crystal blue insurgent detergent nuggets.
Army officials hope that more types of Snafus and Fubars, will leave the guerrillas in a state of “Sugar Shock and Awe”, causing them to get Diabetes, have their feet amputated, and then ultimately die. One U.S. General said, “this will knock the feet right out from under them, and cripple them permanently!”
(Snafu, Fubar- World War II soldier lingo for “Situation Normal, All Fucked Up”, and “Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition”. In today’s lingo, a fucked up situation would be called “tasty”, “sweet”, or “awesome”.)
22. Lahore, or “L.A.Whore” -- Town in Pakistan where latest anti-insurgency strategy is to be tried. The town will be transformed into a Las Vegas Style strip called “LA Whore”, where 7,200 whores from Los Angeles will be imported to occupy the Muslim Insurgents with 24 hour nonstop “Fuck the Virgins” casino games.
If you jihad, or hit the jackpot, you get a room with a whore, free for 72 heavenly hours!
If you lose, you get to blow yourself up, with a free backpack bomb, in the parking lot, by the Holy Fountain, at a once an hour daily show.
23. “Damn those Rapscallion American Rebels! We will Defeat them with the Finest, and Best Equipped British Army the World has Ever Known!”
So sayeth King George of England, speaking to Parliament, while deciding to “Up the Troop Levels”, in a “Final Surge”, against the Recalcitrant, Rebellious, and Unrepentant, AMERICAN INSURGENTS, in Colonial America, in 1776.
Just 233 FUCKING YEARS, AGO!
DID I SAY…TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY THREE YEARS?
Or DID I SAY…TWO, AND ONE-THIRD CENTURIES?
And, WAS IT THE SAME, GOD DAMNED, MOTHER FUCKING THING, AS TODAY?
And the GENERALS STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING!?
WHAT Is THE POINT, of WEST POINT, IF NOBODY LEARNS ANYTHING?
Do we have to dig up GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON, FATHER of our COUNTRY, ZAP HIM with some ELECTRICITY, and ASK HIM ABOUT HOW TO DEFEAT INSURGENCIES?
WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU, MA'AM!
IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THRU TO YOU? HELLOOOOO!
American General: “Ya can’t rush things, Boy, it takes time to learnitate the Lessons of History…specially when them lessons ain’t on your side! And some of us Ginerals in the Milletary ain’t too Bright…you know whut I’m sayin’, huh BOY?”
Jesus! I could be a Fucking General! Give me the Suit…I’ll wear it! I like the buttons, and ribbons, and all that Gold Stuff! I’ll strap on a pair of Pearl-handled Patton Pistols, get me a swizzle swagger stick, and a flyin’ scarf! I probably know more military history than they do!!! Come on, you want a piece of me?!
Hey! This is all we need…Some “Crystal Blue Insurgent Detergent! With Taliban Enzyme Action!”, by the trusted “Defeat the Tide” Brand! In the Red State Box! Made by Foxhole and Gamble, the consumer products company! Just a couple Million Pounds will do it! I’ll just put it on my credit card! Do you take the new Arbitrary Extended Platinum Preemptive Invasion Visa? Master of the Universe Card? How about Discover?
What? I’m over my Credit Limit? That’s impossible! We’re Republicans! We don’t have no stinking Credit Limit when it comes to WAR, Baby! Got it? Now slide that card down your Credit Slut Slot, again, and shut up, and don’t give me any more fucking problems! Don't Think, you're a Republican! No Deficit Spending is gonna stand in the way of a Republican War!
At the New Yawk Times Thought Control Department...
"Hey! Dude! I thought I told you to STOP Callin' Here!
Okay, one more time...We ONLY print the news that's Fit to print, and yours, pal, ain't fit to print! Okay? You gotta FIT the MOLD, and You my friend would just Upset People, and upset the Tea Cart, and we just can't have that. You're Too Much Thought, you gotta Simplify...simple thoughts, for Simple People!
Now just Go Away! You are really startin' to Bug Me!
We have a Business to run here! What do you think this is...a NEWS paper? Geez, where did you get THAT idea?"
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Back here, way, way back, in the back.
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights, and memories, reserved and preserved, in chocolate strawberry Jam Bands, but not that syrupy sweet, aimless meandering Grateful Dead shit. Cream Jams...Allman Brothers jams...now they're real Jams!
Including Preserving the Horrible Mental Memory Jam, and Napalm Jelly Jam, of the Viet Nam “Black Victory” Memorial, and the Vietnam Psychedelic Marmalade Memory Experience. Now that's a Real War Memorial, Authentic, with a capital "A", and "A" spells American! And don't you forget it, Sissy Boy!
Didn’t some Gook Chink Chick Design That Vet Nam Memoral?? No Wonder We Lost the War! Them Slanty Eyed Yellow Skinned Gook Chinks were EVERYWHERE!
If only we’d Bombed Hanoi…or invaded China, we coulda’ Won! Damn!
If we just Used a couple a them Nookler A-Bombs! Them Roosians and Chiynee woulda peed in their pants, and run home like little pissant FAGS!
It was them Nervous Nelly Pollytishuns, them Squeamish little Queer Boys, them sissypants in Washington, that tied our hands behind our Back! All our Boys died for Nothin', because them pollytishuns didn't have No guts!
Here, have some Ice Cold Agent Orange, it’ll Quench your Blood Thirst. It's nice and frosty from the Fridge! Let me know when you want another! There's plenty there, in my mental ice box!
Damn, this is Good Stuff! Mighty thirst Quenchin', ain't it? I think I'll have me some More!
Hey, lookee here! The label says “Made in Viet Nam, by Coca-Cola!” I'll be damned! We won after all!
Damn, that’s some mighty Unorthodox Military Strategy there, ain’t it? It’s like Bizarro World! You do the Opposite of what the Enemy Expects! Holy Cow, I think we’re on to something here!
You see, you Retreat, or Retreat with Honor, and the enemy, he ain’t Spectin’ that at all, no sir! It throws ’em totally off their guard, and then, it softens ’em up, and then they start lookin’ for Soda Pop, all on their own!
Yes, sir, after their throats is good and parched, they wanna build their own Soda Pop Factory, make Money, and let Cooler Heads prevail! It’s like when Captain Picard on Star Trek infected the Borg Commie Pinko Collective with the Mental Virus of Free Market Individualism, and then they decide to Dominate the Soda Pop Market, instead of Conquering Earth, and the Entire Galaxy!
Just goes to show ya’, you can lead a Guerrilla to Soda Pop, but you can’t make him drink! No, sir! Sometimes it can take up to fifty, or a hundred years! You just gotta be patient, like a cat, or a fox, or a foxcat, and wait until the guerrilla is good, and thirsty!
And get a Good Sized Box, to Contain the Guerrilla in!
Nothing like a good container, to keep your soda pop cold, while your waiting for a guerrilla to drink! That’s whut I always say! But Hell, whut the fuck do I know? I ain’t no 5 star Gineral!
I’m just a Fucked, Buck Private, Private Citizen!
Ain’t nobody gonna listen to my Strategic Plan!
Pass me another Cool One from the fridge, will ya’?
Here’s to Cooler Heads!
May they Prevail!
Ka-CHINK!
Damn! Did ya hear that? Didn’t I tell you them CHINKS WERE EVERYWHERE!
* * *
And the Top Slogans Are, Envelope Please!
1. “I see Light at the end of the Tunnel, and it’s a guerrilla fighter, with a Flashlight! I see Light, and it’s the Bright Flame from the Muzzle Blast of an AK-47! Or, I feel very Light, and it’s the Shock Wave from a Roadside Bomb!”
“Or, it’s the Bright Sunlight, coming through the Rocket Hole in my chest!”
“Or…or…it’s the Bright Light just before I meet Jesus!”
“Hi Jesus, what are YOU doing here?! Top of the mornin’ to ya! Have you been to Mass yet? Oh good, then we can go together! I just love your robe, where did you get it? How do you keep your beard so clean? You know, I just can’t seem to find the right shampoo to keep my hair clean under these desert conditions!”
2. “The Viet Namese-Iraqi-Afghani Army is getting Stronger by the minute…Every Day! As we speak! Really! I have a Pocket Watch! See! Look! Tick…tick…tick…KA-BOOM!”
(The South Vietnamese Army collapsed 10 days after we left Viet Nam, and we were there for 12 years. We trained them Very Well!)
3. “We CAN defeat the Taliban…IF we Bomb Hanoi, back to the Stone Age! Well, it was a Long Shot…” (see Hanoi, capitol of North Vietnam)
“We could…uh…maybe…just possibly…it is within the realm of probable probability, uh, certainly with a lotta Luck, and the Wind at our back…just might be able to defeat the Taliban…if we Bomb Lots of Stuff, with extra precise, and precisely precise precision, and Target the New Tallyban, and the Old Tannenbaum as well, and all of “All Khyber”, making sure not to let Al Queda Pass thru the Khyber Pass, and bomb them all, right back to the Stone Age!”
(see Air Force General Curtis Lemay, Stone Age, bombs, ka-boom, etc., Khyber Pass, elephants, Hannibal, the A-Team, George Peppard, Mr. T, and German Christmas Carols. That should keep you busy.)
4. “If we invade Cambodia, (see Dick Nixon, Invasion of Cambodia), this will put pressure on Burma, which will put pressure on India, which will put pressure on Pakistan, you can see where I’m going with this, which will put pressure on the Taliban. Ya think? Maybe? Just a little??”
(See Under Pressure by Queen, and Pressure Drop, from The Harder They Come. Also see Dropping from the Pressure, U.S. Army, Iraq extended deployment, stop loss policy.)
5. “Can we get the Vietnamese to “insurgitate” Afghanistan? What if we used Crystal Blue Persuasion by Tommy James and the Shondells, as an “Anti-Insurgent Detergent”? Or did they just sing “Hang On Sloopy”, “with what you’ve got”? Or should we be singing “Stair Way to Heaven”, by Political Lead Zeppelin Balloon? Come on, work with me here!”
6. Run DMZ -- See “Run DMC”, an early rap group, and the “DMZ”, in the Viet Nam-American War.
The “Demilitarized Zone” was an empty strip of No-man’s Land, separating North and South Vietnam, stripped bare of all vegetation through use of Agent Orange, an orange colored pesticide that killed everything in its path, including American soldiers, years later from Cancer. Designed to stop pesky insurgent infiltration.
Now the expression, “Run! DMZ!” is used by confused white people, who get off the freeway at the wrong exit, and find themselves in a black ghetto, and shout, “Run! We’re in a DeMoralized Zone!”
The Demoralized Zone is where angry, uneducated, heavily armed gangsta Black Kids, with low self esteem and low morale, dress in baggy clothes and funny hats, and ride around in lawless, crime ridden areas, controlled by Tribal Warring Gang Lords, while driving Pimped Out Hummers, that go BOOM-BOOM, and HIP-HOP up and down, when they blast out a hit that’s “A BOMB”.
While driving around and Infiltrating the local population, they sell popular and Poppy Seed drugs, and listen to addictive Hip Hop Pop Hits, also known as roadside “IEDs”, or Improvised Entertainment Devices, or “IVVD-CRDs” (Improvised Venereal Disease Video Compact Rap Discs), which are the “Opiates of Delusion, to a Disillusioned People”, and make traveling the roadway of life Very Dangerous.
They also keep growing New Recruits of hard core, bitter ender, fundamental crack and heroin addicts, as they Win the “Fear and Behinds” of the people. These Fundamental Gangsters live and work in desolate, abandoned areas, known only as the Hood, or the “Red Lined, Black Zone”, and give the whole area a bad rap, as well as vast quantities of bad, Rap “music”.
Run DMZ has proven to be very effective in keeping White People from infiltrating, investing, or insurging, into the barren lifeless Black Zone, and shows how difficult it is to bring economic, and political stability to a War Zone, and the futility of trying to win Guerrilla, and gulp, “gorilla” wars. RUN! White Boy in the DMZ!
Law enforcement officials say bringing Law and Order, or Security and Stability to the DMZ, is very difficult, because the Insurgents “blend in” with the Local Population, which is just a more Diplomatic way of saying, it’s impossible to tell one Black Dude from another, and that all insurgents look alike.
Since the Cops don’t know who the Enemy is in the DMZ, and who isn’t, they don’t know who to shoot under the current Rules of Engagement, so they basically just end up shooting Everybody, often over and over again, until all the ammunition runs out.
By ventilating the Insurgents body with multiple bullet holes, it briefly brings down the temperature of the Hot Zone, or LZ, (the Lead Zone in the Hood, or in Vietnam, a hot helicopter Landing Zone), but then it raises the temperature of the Local Population in the days and weeks ahead, making it even more difficult for Counter Insurgency Operations in the Black zone, also known as Black Ops.
Ventilating the Insurgent also allows the Spirit of the Insurgent to Escape more quickly to “A Better Place”, presumably a Gated Heavenly Community, with a Security Guard to allow those in who belong to the Only Correct Religion.
And WHAT my friends, has REALLY changed, in “Military Minds”, in the 28 years, or a quarter Century, since Vietnam?
Well, THEN they said we were fighting an “INFILTRATION”. NOW they say we are fighting an “INSURGENCY”!
Each word still has Four Syllables, but it really is a Big Difference in Strategy, and it shows how much the Ginerals have Lerned, and lernitated, in 28 Yeers of Milletary Spearience!
Them Boys is SMERT, and Quick with their History Lessons!
Same War, different Word! Them boys is Clevver!
(“Demoralized” has two definitions. One is low morals, or lack of morals. Another is low morale. Either one can lead to the other. Without jobs, low morale can result, and then low morals can follow.)
7. Agent Orange -- Similar to Orange Crush, Mountain Dew, and Pepsi, this Soft Drink is designed to Win the Taste Buds of the People, causing them to Seek the American Way of Life, and become fat, diabetic, and addicted to Sugar and Junk Food. Very popular in “The DMZ", although may cause cancer of the mind, and diabetes of the soul.
Has a gooey, sticky, sour taste, that lingers long in your mouth, for many years afterwards.
8. “Peace with Honor”- This is a “reverse” slogan, that really means “Retreat…We got Our Butts Kicked!” Tricky Dick Nixon came up with this one, or one of his speechwriter assholes did.
9. “No One will Ever Trust Our Commitments Again! If we Cut and Run Now!”
Hell, even Superman can be defeated by enough Kryptonite! This one is a lot like, “I’d rather be Broke, Stubborn, and Dead...than live to fight another day!”
Hasn't anyone ever heard of "Better to live, to fight another day?" Or, "It's the Long Run that counts, Stupid!"
And like we're really doing all this fighting, just to Convince the Super Trustworthy, uh-hmm, excuse me, Super Untrustworthy, other Politicians and Regimes, around the World?
10. “I don’t want to be the First U.S. President to Lose a War!” Classic. Total Idiot style of thinking. This is the “LBJ”, (the “Long painful Blow Job”), or, just “The Johnson” (named after Lyndon Baines Johnson, the president who said this during the Viet Nam War. He created the “Great Society“ Domestic Plan, then chucked it all away in Viet Nam. Leave it to the Politicans to Piss Away the Cash, and Fuck the people at home.)
A Totally Insane reason for fighting a god damned war. All for the EGO of One Fucking Man, who leaves office in 4 years. Can you imagine what it was like when they had Kings, who could really FUCK UP THE KINGDOM, and fuck the PEASANTS, Over Much Longer Periods of Time?
“Oh yes, My Lord! Whatever you say, Your Majesty! What's that you say? Fall on my Sword...but first bring you all the Virgins? Certainly, My King!”
11. “If we don’t stop them now, all of Southeast Asia will Fall, like Dominoes, and the Commie Pinkos will soon be in Los Angeles, wearing Black Pajamas!” ( PJ’s- the Vietnamese peasant outfit.)
This is the one they use to SCARE YOU WITH! The BOOGEYMAN, just OUTSIDE THE DOOR! AH-WOOOOOO! WOOF! WOOF! SCRATCH! SCRATCH! SNIFFETY-SNIFF SNIFFETY!
“IF WE DON’T DO SOMETHING DRASTIC, IMMEDIATELY…WE’RE DOOMED!”
“THE SKY IS FALLING! SAID CHICKEN LITTLE. WE’RE ALL GONNA GET ROASTED, IN A BIG POT!”
The way it really worked is, after we left Viet Nam, or shall I say “Skeedaddled”, the Vietnamese started to have border wars with their previous ally, China! Then, Lo and Behold, China became Capitalist, and Vietnam became a Huge Exporter of Rice! And then Viet Nam begged the U.S. to Come Back, and build Coca-Cola Factories!
Come Back, Little Sheba! 58,000 Americans DEAD, for WHAT? For the EGO, and PRIDE of the Generals and Politicians? We could have waited 35 years and gotten the same FUCKING RESULT! Work smart, not stupid. Fight Smart, not stupid.
And have a Coke.. preferably Classic Coke, not that Wussy sweet shit, Pepsi, which is for kids and girls.
12. “We had to DESTROY the Village, in order to SAVE IT!” This one is probably the absolute Best, and is a very famous expression that came from the Viet Nam War.
Variations on this Classical Symphonic Theme are: We won the battle, but lost the war! We had to break the bank, in order to save it! We had to be stupid, to learn how to be smart!
We had to show those Commies who is Boss, even if we lost! We had to lose the war, to finally realize we couldn’t win it. We had to Burn Down Wall Street, to prove the Republican THEORIES of Self Regulating Markets were ALL WRONG, Oh Great Master Republican Dickhead Breath!
We had to cut off our Nose, to spite our Face. We had to Cut off our Dicks, to prove we were Men! We had to die senselessly, to prove we were Brave!
You want more?
13. “Bring back the Horse Cavalry, the Battleship, and the Maginot Line!” (If you don't laugh, you don't know much about Military History, at all. Really.)
14. “A Cop on every Street, and a Cop on every Beat, including in your bedroom!”
Let's use rich Republican Taxpayers to pay for all the extra cops to police the world! Republicans always like to start a War! OOPS! I forgot, Republicans like to fight wars on the Cheap, because it leaves more money left over for Industrial War Profiteers! (See Profiteers for America, by Jefferson Airplane.)
15. “An Apple a Day, keeps the Guerrilla fighters away?” Self explanatory.
See Conditions Required for Democracy, and Economic Development, in Underdeveloped Third World Countries, and in Vague, Nebulous and Unformed “Nation States”.
See also the Difficult Requirements for “Nation Building”, something Republicans hate to do, especially in America!
Which is just one of the reasons Iraq and Afghanistan are still so fucked up, after 8 years of Republican Bungling! And it also explains why all of our bridges and infrastructure in America are falling down! Now that’s what I call the sky is falling. Ba-dum-bump! Cymbal CRASH!
Think Katrina, New Orleans, and toppled highway bridges, and you get the vibe.
You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie Nose, FEMA Boy! Keep up all the good “Non-Work”! We don’t need no stinking Big Gubmint Socialist Rescue Work! Let the Fucking Unregoolated Free Market Save New Orleans!
Sell them Niggers some Swimwear! And goggles and swim fins and snorkels! Let ‘em sink or swim! That’s what I say! If they can’t survive in a totally free market, let ‘em Go out of Business!
Let ‘em BAIL themselves Out, of their flooded homes! If they had bought a bank, then we woulda given em a Bailout! They shoulda put their trust in the rock solid security of a Bank Vault!
16. “If we ALL LINE UP in a Row, wear Red Coats, and FIRE OUR MUSKETS, At the SAME TIME, I just know we can Defeat Those Damn Insurgents!”
17. “Damn those Bastard Insurgents! They shoot from behind Trees, and Kill Our Officers First, and refuse to come out and fight in a Straight Line, according to Civilized Rules of War! They're SAVAGES! Those American Revolutionary Colonists are outright Terrorists and Thugs! The British Empire, and King George, will not stand for this Infernal Poppycock!”
(See 18th Century rules of Gentlemanly Code of Conduct for War, updated and known today as the "Rules of Engagement, and Terms of Endearment, for Marriage and War". You see, war is a lot like getting married, with engagement rules, and heavenly bells, just before you’re Raped, Castrated or Killed!)
It's like fighting a Dirty National Laundry Insurgency with Blue Enzyme Action “Urgent Insurgent Detergent”! One cup per Load, will do Ya'! To the Fill Line! Ultra Concentrated! New and Improved!
With Strategic, and Tactical, Ethnic Cleansing Action! With Lemon Crisp Christian Flavor! For faster Washer and Dryer “End Times”! Oh, the Rapture of it All! Thank you Jesus, for Clothes SO FRESH! And the Colors stand out in such Brilliant Resurrection!
Oh God, I think...I think I'm getting an insurging ERECTION! Oh fuck me Jesus, for I have SINNED! Just how big is a Guerrilla Penis??
Will we succeed in Swallowing ALL of the INSURGENCY? Yes! SURGE IT IN! ALL OF IT, EVERY LAST Guerrilla Penis INCH OF IT! TO THE LAST CREAMY MAN DROP, AND TILL THE LAST MAN DROPS!
OH GOD, I'M BENDING OVER... I, WE, AMERICA...NEED...TO BE...FUCKED...BY A GIANT GUERRILLA PENIS! Oh, Lord Jesus, INSURGE ME NOW!
NOW ESCALATE! HIGHER, FASTER, HARDER! OHH, DEEEPER INTO “IN-CUNTRY”! WE NEED MORE MANPOWER! MUCH MORE! AS MANY AS WE CAN GET!
(In country - Nam expression for deep in the thick of the bush jungle. This was not the safe rear echelon. However, if you did get killed, which was quite likely, then you could probably say that, in general, you were “fucked in the rear echelon”. Also, Guerrilla Wars are one of the few wars where getting fucked in the rear echelon is a normal occurrence, since there is no real Front.)
Now, was it as good for me, as it will be for you?
Hey Bub! You’re either On the Clock…and On the Cock! This Guerrilla War fuck job is costing you and your Nation, lotsa Money!
Big time Deficit, on the clock, payroll time!
Over time rates, pal! Got my drift?
Now, what’s it gonna be? Are you In, or Out? Hard or Soft? It’s Your Dick, dickweed!
I got all the time in the world. We can do this slow, or we can do it fast. In the end, or in your end, you still get Fucked.
It’s Your Money! The guerrilla’s got his penis up your ass, and he ain’t taking it out, anytime at all, and if he does, it’s gonna be REAAL SLOOW!
Say, you got a match? I could use a Good Smoke. I feel I need one, especially when I’m getting fucked, over and over, and over again. Ya know whut I’m sayin’?
18. Ira Lohenbaum, aka "I Are A Loan Bomb", The Wall Street Wiz, says: “Maybe if we corner the market on Bananas, the Guerrillas will Give Up? Maybe if we Smoke 'em Out with Teaser Interest Rates, then whack 'em with a Big Balloon Payment, we can drive them out of their Homes, into the open, and into Foreclosure Pens for the final financial slaughter!”
“Hey! It worked here! Don't look at me, I'm just makin' a suggestion! Jesus!”
“I know! Maybe if we Invest huge sums of money in the safest Triple A Rated (Anti-Aircraft Artillery) Mortgage Security Canons (see Cannons versus Canons), secure them securely with No Down Payments, and No Doc Incomes, then we could shoot down the Guerrillas, when they fly by in their Giant Balloon Payments!? What do ya’ think??”
“Well, Excuse Me! I'm always Innovatin' here! It's not my fault I'm not a regulated "Innovator"! Hell, that would defeat the purpose of Financial Guerrilla Innovation, now wouldn't it?”
19. Shining Path!- A main roadway through Guerrilla Territory, like the heart of Baghdad, where street lights are unnecessary, because the night is lit by the light of Improvised Explosive Devices, or IEDs, which are similar to LEDs, (light emitting diodes), but much less energy efficient, probably due to the use of a “die mode“, instead of a “diode”.
The Shining Path is also the fastest road to climb the Shining Stairway to Heaven, and having a very, very personal relationship with Jesus.
(Shining Path- Latin American Peruvian guerrilla movement, defeated by Economic Development, that gave the poor people surrounding the cities, a better life, and a stake in the system. One of the very, very rare instances, of guerrilla defeat.)
20. Candle Far!- A town in Afghanistan, where Anti-“Insurgent” Strategy is accomplished by U.S. Army Chaplains, who light lots of universal, catholic, “Voter Motive Votive” candles, and pray the light will drive the Guerrillas, “far, far away, to another part of the Galaxy!”
(Safire ain’t got nothing’ on me, that nattering nabob of negatory negatism! He’s dead meat! Ten-four, Good Buddy! I’m puttin’ some armored protective metal, on the floor of my Hummer Pedal, so I can put my pedal to the metal, and get away from those Smokey Old Bandits! Yee-haa! This Convoy is Rollin’! Yes, Sir, we’re Smokin’ now, and it’s all cuz of them damn guerrilla Bandits! Damn! That IED done “Burnt my Reynolds” wrap on my CB Country Boy Ham Actor sandwich!)
(See Smokey and the Bandit, CB radio lingo, Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason as the Sheriff, and pop hit “Convoy”. Cannonball Run fits in their somehow.)
21. Candy Whore- A town not far from Candle Far, where an alternate anti-insurgent strategy is to give candy bars to Whores, in the hopes of occupying the Muslim insurgents with homesick longing for 72 Virgins.
The strategy was not as successful as hoped, but the Pentagon said this was because only two types of candy bars were handed out, “Fubars” and “Snafus”. The Pentagon said they were repackaging the strategy, and were planning an escalated “Surge” of different flavors of Snafus and Fubars, including a chocolate bar called “Surge“, with crystal blue insurgent detergent nuggets.
Army officials hope that more types of Snafus and Fubars, will leave the guerrillas in a state of “Sugar Shock and Awe”, causing them to get Diabetes, have their feet amputated, and then ultimately die. One U.S. General said, “this will knock the feet right out from under them, and cripple them permanently!”
(Snafu, Fubar- World War II soldier lingo for “Situation Normal, All Fucked Up”, and “Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition”. In today’s lingo, a fucked up situation would be called “tasty”, “sweet”, or “awesome”.)
22. Lahore, or “L.A.Whore” -- Town in Pakistan where latest anti-insurgency strategy is to be tried. The town will be transformed into a Las Vegas Style strip called “LA Whore”, where 7,200 whores from Los Angeles will be imported to occupy the Muslim Insurgents with 24 hour nonstop “Fuck the Virgins” casino games.
If you jihad, or hit the jackpot, you get a room with a whore, free for 72 heavenly hours!
If you lose, you get to blow yourself up, with a free backpack bomb, in the parking lot, by the Holy Fountain, at a once an hour daily show.
23. “Damn those Rapscallion American Rebels! We will Defeat them with the Finest, and Best Equipped British Army the World has Ever Known!”
So sayeth King George of England, speaking to Parliament, while deciding to “Up the Troop Levels”, in a “Final Surge”, against the Recalcitrant, Rebellious, and Unrepentant, AMERICAN INSURGENTS, in Colonial America, in 1776.
Just 233 FUCKING YEARS, AGO!
DID I SAY…TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY THREE YEARS?
Or DID I SAY…TWO, AND ONE-THIRD CENTURIES?
And, WAS IT THE SAME, GOD DAMNED, MOTHER FUCKING THING, AS TODAY?
And the GENERALS STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING!?
WHAT Is THE POINT, of WEST POINT, IF NOBODY LEARNS ANYTHING?
Do we have to dig up GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON, FATHER of our COUNTRY, ZAP HIM with some ELECTRICITY, and ASK HIM ABOUT HOW TO DEFEAT INSURGENCIES?
WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU, MA'AM!
IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THRU TO YOU? HELLOOOOO!
American General: “Ya can’t rush things, Boy, it takes time to learnitate the Lessons of History…specially when them lessons ain’t on your side! And some of us Ginerals in the Milletary ain’t too Bright…you know whut I’m sayin’, huh BOY?”
Jesus! I could be a Fucking General! Give me the Suit…I’ll wear it! I like the buttons, and ribbons, and all that Gold Stuff! I’ll strap on a pair of Pearl-handled Patton Pistols, get me a swizzle swagger stick, and a flyin’ scarf! I probably know more military history than they do!!! Come on, you want a piece of me?!
Hey! This is all we need…Some “Crystal Blue Insurgent Detergent! With Taliban Enzyme Action!”, by the trusted “Defeat the Tide” Brand! In the Red State Box! Made by Foxhole and Gamble, the consumer products company! Just a couple Million Pounds will do it! I’ll just put it on my credit card! Do you take the new Arbitrary Extended Platinum Preemptive Invasion Visa? Master of the Universe Card? How about Discover?
What? I’m over my Credit Limit? That’s impossible! We’re Republicans! We don’t have no stinking Credit Limit when it comes to WAR, Baby! Got it? Now slide that card down your Credit Slut Slot, again, and shut up, and don’t give me any more fucking problems! Don't Think, you're a Republican! No Deficit Spending is gonna stand in the way of a Republican War!
At the New Yawk Times Thought Control Department...
"Hey! Dude! I thought I told you to STOP Callin' Here!
Okay, one more time...We ONLY print the news that's Fit to print, and yours, pal, ain't fit to print! Okay? You gotta FIT the MOLD, and You my friend would just Upset People, and upset the Tea Cart, and we just can't have that. You're Too Much Thought, you gotta Simplify...simple thoughts, for Simple People!
Now just Go Away! You are really startin' to Bug Me!
We have a Business to run here! What do you think this is...a NEWS paper? Geez, where did you get THAT idea?"
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Back here, way, way back, in the back.
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights, and memories, reserved and preserved, in chocolate strawberry Jam Bands, but not that syrupy sweet, aimless meandering Grateful Dead shit. Cream Jams...Allman Brothers jams...now they're real Jams!
Including Preserving the Horrible Mental Memory Jam, and Napalm Jelly Jam, of the Viet Nam “Black Victory” Memorial, and the Vietnam Psychedelic Marmalade Memory Experience. Now that's a Real War Memorial, Authentic, with a capital "A", and "A" spells American! And don't you forget it, Sissy Boy!
Didn’t some Gook Chink Chick Design That Vet Nam Memoral?? No Wonder We Lost the War! Them Slanty Eyed Yellow Skinned Gook Chinks were EVERYWHERE!
If only we’d Bombed Hanoi…or invaded China, we coulda’ Won! Damn!
If we just Used a couple a them Nookler A-Bombs! Them Roosians and Chiynee woulda peed in their pants, and run home like little pissant FAGS!
It was them Nervous Nelly Pollytishuns, them Squeamish little Queer Boys, them sissypants in Washington, that tied our hands behind our Back! All our Boys died for Nothin', because them pollytishuns didn't have No guts!
Here, have some Ice Cold Agent Orange, it’ll Quench your Blood Thirst. It's nice and frosty from the Fridge! Let me know when you want another! There's plenty there, in my mental ice box!
Damn, this is Good Stuff! Mighty thirst Quenchin', ain't it? I think I'll have me some More!
Hey, lookee here! The label says “Made in Viet Nam, by Coca-Cola!” I'll be damned! We won after all!
Damn, that’s some mighty Unorthodox Military Strategy there, ain’t it? It’s like Bizarro World! You do the Opposite of what the Enemy Expects! Holy Cow, I think we’re on to something here!
You see, you Retreat, or Retreat with Honor, and the enemy, he ain’t Spectin’ that at all, no sir! It throws ’em totally off their guard, and then, it softens ’em up, and then they start lookin’ for Soda Pop, all on their own!
Yes, sir, after their throats is good and parched, they wanna build their own Soda Pop Factory, make Money, and let Cooler Heads prevail! It’s like when Captain Picard on Star Trek infected the Borg Commie Pinko Collective with the Mental Virus of Free Market Individualism, and then they decide to Dominate the Soda Pop Market, instead of Conquering Earth, and the Entire Galaxy!
Just goes to show ya’, you can lead a Guerrilla to Soda Pop, but you can’t make him drink! No, sir! Sometimes it can take up to fifty, or a hundred years! You just gotta be patient, like a cat, or a fox, or a foxcat, and wait until the guerrilla is good, and thirsty!
And get a Good Sized Box, to Contain the Guerrilla in!
Nothing like a good container, to keep your soda pop cold, while your waiting for a guerrilla to drink! That’s whut I always say! But Hell, whut the fuck do I know? I ain’t no 5 star Gineral!
I’m just a Fucked, Buck Private, Private Citizen!
Ain’t nobody gonna listen to my Strategic Plan!
Pass me another Cool One from the fridge, will ya’?
Here’s to Cooler Heads!
May they Prevail!
Ka-CHINK!
Damn! Did ya hear that? Didn’t I tell you them CHINKS WERE EVERYWHERE!
* * *
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