I Hear the Drums Speak!

But What Are They Saying?

Sing in Broadway Voice: “It’s OFFICIAL! It’s Official! It couldn’t be any less Superficial!” Bernard is NOW, a World Wide Internet “Common Tater”! A talking Spud! With Butter! And salt. Hmmm! Yummy! And beady little eyes!

Now I’m gonna get my 15 minutes of FAME! Tick… tick… tick… Splorp!
Damn! Are they up? Quick, hit the Snooze button, or the Floozy Button! I want 9 more minutes of Fame!
Bam! Bam! Bam! There, that should keep me famous for a while longer!

Reporter: “Do you think we could get Chief Talking Thunder to come out from his Tee-Pee?”

“Absolutely not! The Chief is in Deep Talks with his brother, Chief Thunder Cloud, and with his distant cousin, SisterChief Big Moon Bottom! And he is contemplating her Moon, I mean, her Bottom, I mean, the Moon, and her wonderfully full Stars! But he will come shortly, because he is preparing a Big Speech for his Tribal Brothers!”

Reporter: “Am I a Tribal Brother?”

“Yes, My Son, and Daughter! We are All Tribal Brothers!”

Reporter: "But what Tribe are we?"

"The Human Tribe, my son! Or, as they say in New Yawk City, the 'You-Men' Tribe!

Reporter: “Kill the lights! We gotta wait for the Chief ! One hour dinner break!”

Signed,
Little Thunder


© 2007. by Bernard Drums!

Real Legal Disclaimer: This masterpiece is a work of Fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Fake Legal Disclaimer: Extreme caution is urged when using the information and exercises contained in this fiction. If medical problems appear or persist, the reader should consult with a health care professional. Erections lasting longer than 4 weeks should be reported to the authorities immediately, because you might be a sex offender! Or call a pharmaceautical company, and ask for the “Special Studies Department”, and request to speak with the “Head” Mistress of Busyness and Assministration.

Down Boy! “Aw, gee, what a Party Pooper! I can see a lot more from Up Here! Uh, oh, Here Come dee Tunnel! Sploosh! Eeee-Yowww! WATER RIDE! Oh, BOY, let’s put her in REVERSE, and DO THAT AGAIN! I’m really wet now! But it’s so soft, and warm! Back this Bad Boy up, Sonny, and let’s do it again! Man, this is just like Night and Day!”

LAST WORDS of JESUS. The Crust of Fiction, and Redirection, of Jesus' Body of Words.

Was Jesus Crustified in Heart Clogging Transfact, to Save You from Seeing Your Hate-filled sins?

[Stage Directions. Jesus, hanging on a large cross, on the right side of the stage, with arms out stretched, and head hanging down, in dim light. His followers are at his feet, near the front and center of the stage, on their knees. Blood drips from the nails in his hands and feet, making a spattering sound, on the ground. Low murmurs, crying, and occasional wailing can be heard. Moments before dying, in anguish, pain and tears, Jesus begins to speak.]

Jesus: “Remember, my children, love everybody, show compassion, express kindness, and be understanding… oh, and one more thing, before I depart, remember to hate gay people, fags, queers, fudge packers, homoes, lesbians, dykes, carpet munchers, liberal “Demoncrats”, and anybody who isn’t a true Republican and a fanatical believer in Jesus!

And don’t forget to hate Asians, or are they finally accepted now? But hate them anyway, because they work hard, and study hard, and get good grades, and make the average American look like an idiot!

And keep on hatin’ those black people, with their goofy rap music, and their never ending base drum thing! Will they ever not be hated? Its gotta be the color difference. People will always hate and fear something different, and the color thing makes it too easy to spot them, set them apart, and mark them as a target for hate. It makes it a hell of a lot harder to “blend in”, when you’re a chocolate chip in a white cookie. But I’d vote for Barack Obama in a heartbeat in 2008 for president of America. Too bad all politicians aren’t as smart and clearspoken as he is.

But points off to the rest of the “brutha’s” for shitty rap “music”, sideways hats, goofy baggy clothes, and the refusal to “get wid it” on standard spoken english. No, “ebonics” and “ghetto speak” are not “clever adaptations” to reduced circumstances, they are just “reduced ability”, stemming from reduced circumstances.

[The crowd erupts in applause. A “right on” is heard from the side of the stage. Some one yells out, “You tell ‘em Jesus!”. And a female voice is heard to say, “You go girl!”. Jesus pauses, and continues speaking.]

And remember to especially hate Jews, who are responsible for my death and all the world’s problems, and don’t forget Mexicans, and Guatemalans, and Eskimos, and anybody who doesn’t look like a “real” White American. Icelandic people are okay, because they have cute reindeer, and eat fish, and they are white, like snow. And Norwegians, Danes, and Swedes are also okay because they have reindeer too, especially on their sweaters. As soon as people start gittin’ a little “toasty” looking, that’s when you want to start hatin’ ‘em. Got it? Or a funny nose. That’s a tip-off, too!

[A Hollywood film director, director of a movie about Jesus, runs on stage, and yells, “Cut! That’s a wrap!”. Jesus yells back, “This is not your movie, now get off my set!” The crowd claps, and jeers in the director’s direction, shooing him off stage. Jesus continues.]

And remember, hate fat people, and more Jews, and poor people that want a raise in the minimum wage, (can’t they just eat macaroni and cheese, and soda pop, and peanut butter on white bread, and live in a tent?).

And hate lazy people that can’t afford health insurance, who have the nerve to get sick, and then want the same coverage their senator gets! (A senator is sort of like a Roman God, who doesn’t have to live like regular people. His primary concern is “incentifying” rich people to get richer, so that yachts will float higher, and a few pennies will trickle down to the rest of us. And also trying to turn Social Security into a Wall Street “stock”, that will go up and down, up and down, and up and down! That’s brilliant, hand over all our money to greedy, lying assholes on Wall Street! Why not just call the Mafia, or mail it to the criminals in our prisons?)

Get real, if you can’t afford the health coverage, it’s not my fault! If your little Johnny gets sick, then he deserves to die! This is America, the “work ethic” society, there are no free lunches here!

America is the richest country on the freaking planet, and we didn’t get rich by mollycoddling you lazy people with the right to see a doctor! What, are you nuts? You don’t have the “right” to healthcare in the RICHEST FREAKIN’ COUNTRY ON THE ENTIRE FREAKIN’ PLANET! What, are you crazy?

I may have preached compassion and love, but it sure didn’t extend to “Socialized Medicine”! It’s bad enough that we have greedy, sick, older people sucking away all our money through “socialized” Medicare, and grabbing their “socialized” Social Security retirement checks every month! Where’s your Historical, Ancient, American Individualism? Where’s your Family Values?

You’re supposed to go out and live in the woods, in a log cabin! Grow your own food, make your own clothes, pull your teeth with a pair of pliars, and perform surgery on yourself with a wood saw and a hammer! That’s Rugged American Individualism! Every man an Island! The survival of the richest! The weak die out! Not this namby-pamby “I want affordable health care” crap!

You’re supposed to gather round your children, as they lay sick and dying (from not having affordable health care of course), and comfort them as a family! That’s family values. If your little Johnny gets sick and dies, you say ”It’s God’s Will!” in a big boomy Voice. And if you get sick, or get old, you go live with your family, in a closet, or the garage, or the spare bedroom right next to mom and dad, so everybody has to hump in Total Silence, no squeaks or moans! That’s Family Values!

You don’t go out and sponge off the rest of us, expecting a free lunch, and being a freeloader in society! You work, or you die! That’s the deal here, you see? If you didn’t save enough pennies for your medical care, then you just get to go to Heaven a little sooner! What, you don’t think I know what I’m talkin’ about? Hey, I’m Jesus, for Christ’s sake!


[Some claps, some moans. A Voice from the crowd says, “Hey, Jesus, I agree with you in principle, but, I got this really weird bump on my neck, and I was wondering if you could look at it, or maybe heal it?” Jesus waves a nailed hand, and says, “I’m not helpin’ anybody that don’t have an insurance card, and right now I don’t see you havin’ one. Now, get lost, I’m busy!” He raises his thorned head, takes a deep breath, and in a Broadway Voice, and with a Smile, breaks into song, accompanied by the pit orchestra.]

And don’t forget to Hate! All those Uppity, Unsubmissive Woman! All over the world! That want to participate in Life, as if they were actually half the human race! [Jesus taps his foot]. I mean, come on! There’s a limit to how far you should take, [pause], this “human rights” thing. Human rights, bloomin’ kites! Whatever happened to good old Subjugation, and Oppression? I mean, slavery worked, didn’t it? Didn’t it?

[The band comes to a screeching halt. Silence. A second or two of pause. And then Jesus continues, in a snarl.]

There are days when I just really, really want to oppress somebody. Squash ‘em like a Bug! Go ahead, make my day! But watch it! I‘ve got the Power and Authority of God behind me, so better not cross me! (heehee, cross me, get it?) Christ, almighty, what’s a guy gotta do around here to get some Respect, and laughs, anymore?

We really have to bring back the good old “Bad Times”, when pretty much everybody got screwed, except the King, and he could screw anybody he wanted. I think he had the right to any virgin in the kingdom! Yep, those were the good old days! Gone, but not forgotten. You just don’t have any idea how hard it is to be Me, having to always come up with New and Innovative ways to Hate people! The job just about kills ya! HaHaHa! Ha!Ha! Cough!

[Jesus hangs his head for a moment, a rasping sound coming from his throat. A voice from the crowd says, “Jesus, jesus, that don’t sound too good!” And Jesus says, “Don’t worry, I’ll be alright, but I could use a Lozenge!” Cries of “lozenge” go up from the crowd, and shuffling as people look in their pockets. A pause, then Jesus continues]

And if you want to add anybody else to my “Official Jesus Hate List”, you just go right ahead! And if anybody doesn’t believe in me, that’s right, YOU HATE them too! And make sure you get my name spelled right, that’s “Jesus”, spelled J,E,S,U,S, with a Capital “J”, because now that you’re gonna be hating people in My Name, I want to make sure you spell it right! We want to be very clear about who it is that’s telling you to Hate! Okay? It’s me, and my partner, God, we’re the hate mongers, and we’re in charge of this hate business!

And one last thing, feel free to hate ANYBODY you damn well feel like hating! This is a Free Country, red, white, and blue, and we have the right to hate anybody we like!

And one very important thing. Anybody who doesn’t believe every word that “You Say I Said”, you Mash ‘em, like a Bug! Got that? Any hatin’ words you wanna put in my hatefilled mouth, you just go right ahead, and I’ll be as proud as your Father!

And when your damn sick and tired of Hatin’, then Goddamnit, go ahead and Hate Some MORE! Remember, the only Cure for hate, is More hate. Don’t bother to think about it, just Do It! Do you think your little pea brain can understand that? Do you think you can carry out my Simple Orders, like good Little Idiots? Good, now get to work Hatin’! Your job is not to think, your job is to hate! Now come on, get with it, chop-chop! I wanna see some Action Here!

[The crowd comes to its feet with a roar of cheers and applause! They begin chanting, “You’re number One! You’re Number One!” After a minute, Jesus waves down the applause, and says…]

Okay, I’m done with this. Can somebody get me down from this cross? This “Dying for Your Sins Thing” is gettin’ tiresome, and frankly, with your track record, you just aren’t worth it anymore! You know what it is about you that’s such a Pain in the Ass? You just take way too long to learn. You only want to learn the Hard Way. And even then, the lesson doesn’t stick.

That’s all folks, say goodbye to Jesus, that’s me, I’m the Son of God!
Now pass the hat, dammit, I want all your spare change! We’ve got some Hatin’ to do down here on Earth! And we better get busy! How the Hell do you think we’re gonna pay for all this Hate, unless you cough up some more dough?

[The stage goes black, and the curtain falls. Off to the left, a small spotlight opens and two shadowy figures appear, one large, one small, wrapped in blankets, the large figure holding a candle.]

Pahg: “Is this what they call a ‘Crust of Fiction’?”
Ahgpo: “Eyes don’t rightly know, Cornweez, but it sho be lookin’ like it might be. It could be, then again, maybe it ain’t! We sleep on it, and check our toes in de mornin’. How dat sound to you?

Pahg: “Dat sound mighty good to me! I like Crust! But what’s a Fiction?
Ahgpo: “Well, sometime it True, and sometime it ain’t. It all Depends.
Pahg: “Oh”.
Ahgpo: “Nitey-nite”.

Pahg: “Do you think my toes will know?”
Ahgpo: “Maybe, maybe not.”

Pahg: “Will all my toes be there in the Mornin’?”
Ahgpo: “De should be, ifin you still gots all ten.”
Pahg: “Thank you, Jesus!”

[The candle, and the spotlight, go out.]

Copyright © 2007. By Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.