Have a Nasty Truth problem? Use "NuRepublican Easy-Off Truth Cream"! Guaranteed to wipe the Truth away!
"Easy-Off" is based on Republican "Easy Logic", and has worked in most Republican Political Campaigns, on even the most Troublesome Truths! Using Specially Patented Secret Ingredients and Bible Proven Bible Science, "Easy-Off" will work on even the Toughest Truth Stains!
Just put one lump (or squirt) of "Half-Truth" in a stove pot, add a second lump (or squirt) of "Half-Truth", stir, boil until mixture "leaps", gels, or hardens into a "Total Truth"!
It's the recipe for Republican "Easy Logic", and NuTruth, where two Half-truths equal one Whole truth! And it is the cornerstone of Republican NuLogic.
Spoon feed "Cream of NuTruth" directly into the mouths, eyes, and ears, of voter's with average to below average Intelligence, and to those with Down-scale Demographics. Or bake into "truth cakes", for longer term storage and consumption at a later date. You never know when a past lie will be useful in the future! That's how you change the future, you change the past! Think about that one...
They will never know their meal is made of highly processed, refined, empty calorie Junk Food Truth, that will give them a bad case of "truth diabetes". They will never be able to understand the clever Basic Recipe for NuTruth, with their Limited Brainpower!
The idea of combining bits, chips, and slivers of truth, into a Truth Pot and boiling them until they all blend and solidify into a gluey, creamy Truth Pie, is just beyond the Average Voter's Ability to Comprehend.
The sheer Cleverissnessniss of it will be impossible for them to see, and this gooey NuTruth Pie will simply reinforce their pre-existing Beliefs, which is the Goal anyway, to simply reinforce the Average Voter's already existing Beliefs.
It's not a search for real truth, or a serious examination of Issues, it's just "Keep'em believing what they already believe". Keep'em in the fold. Keep'em Vaccinated against any Doubts in the Republican Story.
It's called Repetition Creates Truth. Repetition also creates Brand Awareness. "Here's my Brand, this is what you get when you buy or vote my brand!"
Mmm,yummy! New and Improved! 50 percent more flavor! More chocolate chips! More horsepower! Shinier hair! Fewer Demons, more Family Values! More Anti-Faggot power! More Anti-Nigger detergent!
Sell that shit, flog it, beat it to Death, who gives a fuck if it's true or not! We're not dealing in truth here, we're dealing with POWER!
And with POWER, truth is the first to Die! Got it?
It's "trust me, I'm a Politician". What's that? "Trust me, I'm a Rapist, crook, and total dick?"
Be careful! Cream of NuTruth may be too hot, sticky or lumpy to swallow. In this case, just smear or squirt Nu-Truth Cream directly onto the Voter's Face, using the special Elephant-sized Penile Hose Applicator. (Use GOP Elephant Brand Products only! Using other brands may invalidate the GOP Long Term Truth Warranty.)
GOP Elephant Brand Penile Hose Applicators have been proven to Spew the most Nu-Truth, at the fastest possible Truth rate. They do not require any cleaning, and can be used over, and over, and over again.
They are fully endorsed by the Elephant Mistreatment Society of America, and are fully approved for all 3 Ring Political Circus Performances. The Christian Council on Elephant Pornography has found that GOP Penile Political Applicators (known as Nu Hose or Nu Penis), are neither unethical or immoral, nor do they molest the childlike minds of Voters. When you need Elephant-sized NuTruth, trust the GOP Brand!
And as you merrily and grimly spew your NuTruth across the land, remember our slogan, "It's not a Political Penis, it's Gabriel's Nu-Truth Trumpet!"
And then sing, "Halleleujah! Praise Jesus! Our Right Wing Lord has 'Come' at last! And oh brother, is that some mighty thick and sticky "Holy Water"! And Damn, right on that Virgin Pure Voter's Face...he surely be Baptized Now!"
"Oh Lordy, thank God Almighty! Our Republican God has Come at last!!" SPLURT! Oh! SPLURT! Oh! SPLURT!
(Pause to rest, and count our blessings!)
Lather, rinse, repeat. Use as often as necessary.
WARNING! Not responsible for skin rash, irritated eyes, guilt, shame, or pooping on the carpet.
Available in case quantities, 24 bottles per case, at the Republican Nu Logic Factory, in Thinktankville, Ohio. Production partially funded by "Thou Shalt Not Tell the Truth Ministries", located in Longsquat, Louisianna.
Proud Users of "Easy -Off Truth Cream": Ann Cooter, Flush Dimbulb, Douche LaTouza( what a waste of Indian intelligence!), Larry Schweikfart, Pill O'Really?, Swine Pox "News", Senator Ornery Cracked (Utah? Wyoming? someplace very hot with no water with delerium caused by dehydration?), and that Senator from South Carolina is he really not Gay?, ex-VP Lon Chaney or was that Dracula?, and of course, Arnold "Nazi Boy" Dingleschwarzer, the "Truth Eliminator".
And let's not forget that Southern Fried Baptist Preacherman, Mister "All Purpose Dick Warning" of the Saddledork Horsewind Mega Splurge Church, Mr. Smiley Himself, bless his intolerant hate-filled heart!
"Easy-Off Truth Cream"! Just a little Smear will do ya! Get yours Today!
WARNING! POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS! May cause Nasal Growths, or may increase the size of your Nose! Not tested on animals! Not tested on kittens, bunnies, or squirrels--or stuffed animals!
Safe to use on your Puppet. Half-truths will definitely appear as Whole Truths. White lies will appear Black. Automobile mirrors may make your Penis appear larger than it really is.
Continued usage may make you think rap music is good, or is really music. You may begin to watch TV Preachers, cry, and send them money. If this occurs, seek immediate medical help from a doctor, shaman, guru, interior designer, or Wall Street money "expert". Watching the Home Shopping Network will not cure this condition, but may worsen it.
If all else fails, try eating an entire bowl of plain white sugar, dry, with a spoon, or wear rose colored glasses, night and day.
Long term usage will result in the most horrible of side effects--you will become a permanent Republican, with no hope of progressing in a changing world. If these dire circumstances occur, say repeatedly, "God has a Plan for me, and it ain't lookin' too good!"
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Defender of the 100 Percent Whole Cotton Truth!
"God Tells Brady, and Brady Tells the World!
Copyright 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved. Pass it on, www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
