A Simple Example.
Question: What is the NuRepublican definition of “white-collar Wall Street Crime”?
Answer: It doesn’t exist. It is merely bold and daring individuals, using innovative “totally free market” methods, who quickly “redistribute the wealth” from the inefficient hands of the many, into the concentrated hands of the efficient few, and create a “new and better ownership society”!
Bam! Take that, Republican think tank! Right in those beady, greedy, sin filled white European eyes!
These white collar Wall Street “innovators”, or perhaps more aptly, Financial Finaglers or Pied Pipers, rely heavily on the “faith-based” trust of the people, as they merrily mislead the people down the Garden Path to Satan’s Apples.
As one Wall Street Financier Finaglerist said: “Thank you God, for giving us Trusting Sheep, for thou art truly Our Wall Street Free Market Shepherd!”
And true to Adam Smith’s “Invisible Hand of Self Interest”, these Wall Street “wealth increasers” are motivated and “incentified” by the promise of large “market-based rewards”, to compensate them for the risk they take, or the crime won’t be worth doing!
Does Size Matter? Or, How Big is Your Bonus?
In other words, Wall Street demands a Big Bonus…while they “Bone Us”. Then their blond bimbo wife will finally service their other needy “Bonis”. This disgusting chore is done by their “human calculator, sexual service machine, shopaholic” wife who really loves them for who they are, and not their money, and who would certainly stay with them if they lost everything!
How else is a big, pot-bellied Wall Street Walrus supposed to get Sex?
If only Mom had given the Wall Street Boys more love, in their formative years, they wouldn’t of had to turn to a life of capitalist greed to validate their worth as a human being! But too late now, they’ve already finished graduate business school, and married the greedy blonde, who will leave them in a flash, if they don’t keep getting that Big Bonus!
(It’s his Bonus the wife wants…not his “Bonis”. She really doesn’t want to put his icky little white mouse of a bonis, in her Strawberry Red, Pure Virgin Mouth. But for the house, the Jag, and the credit card? Okay. Done deal.
Isn’t it wonderful that in our modern, White Supremacy, Christian, Capitalist Nation, a woman can still sell herself to the richest man, in exchange for “love”, and sexual favors?
Rachel: “I don’t get it…What is a bonis?…(Pause)…(Longer pause)…Ohh!…You mean his Little Weeny?
The “New Old” Same Way of Thinking!
This new way of thought for Wall Street Republicans, known as NuWay, NuLogic, or NuThink, is the latest version of the “New Old Paradigm of Business Philosophy”.
Paradigm is just an academic bullshit word for “way of thinking” or “model“, a word that is worth just about “a pair of dimes”…but it makes you sound sooo smart. And here it just means the “philosophy of business” has always been to screw the customer…without him realizing it.
This age old “business philosophy” (can business actually have a philosophy? Does “how well can I fuck you” qualify as a philosophy?) allows the Wealth of the Common People to “trickle down, to an even smaller amount”, to more like the dribble off an old guy’s dick, while the “rising tide” of Wealth heading upwards, towards Wall Street, raises the “yacht and tits” of the Rich Guy, and his Money Lovin’ Bitch.
This is from the Biblical Economic Proverb, “a rising tide lifts all boats”, and Republicans are fond of saying it. The Republicans like to tell the Poor (who are starving on Wonder Bread and Kool Aid), and the Middle Class (who are surviving on Credit Cards), that if they believe in Jesus and Capitalism hard enough, they will be able to Walk On Water, as the tide of wealth rises, just like Jesus did.
The Reality is, as the Wealth rises Up, the poor usually drown, along with the over extended Middle Class…in an Ocean of Rising Debt.
“Throw that man a sugar glazed donut, to keep him from starving, or drowning! Is there a Mortgage Moses in the house, who can part the Sea of Red Ink, in these turbulent Financial Waters?”
“Make way for the Pharaoh’s Golden Chariot!”
Hey! Who said this wasn’t about Class Warfare? Do you think the Pharaohs, oops, the Rich are going to give you a Free Lunch? No way! They get lots of Free Lunches, in the form of tax deduction loopholes, off shore tax shelters, Secret Swiss Bank Accounts, investment tax incentives, illegal immigrant tax-free nannies, and having their Lobbyist write the Tax Code…but no free lunch for You!
No…you have to toe the line, and obey the rules and regulations, and behave! The Rich need an Orderly Society that they can take Advantage of! Regulations are for the “Little People”…not for the free-wheeling Rich! Rules just get in the way of their get rich quick schemes, oops, I meant to say “enterprise creations”!
Sorry…I forgot to translate the Plain English back into RepublicanSpeak, because I forgot my Republican think-tank Code Book, and my secret RepublicanSpeak Decoder Ring! I’ll be sure to wear it next time, so you’ll know I’m a member of the Fuck Society Club, whose slogan is, “We don‘t need no stinking Society!”
Oops, there I go again…I meant to say, “Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand of Self Interest Club”! There, that’s better!
Or is it “The So Quick it’s Invisible, Hand of Crime Club”?
Golly gee whiz, where the fuck is my Decoder Ring?
The “Benefits” of Deregulation.
The Victims of Wall Street White-Collar Crime will be overjoyed to know the Money they lost is Small, compared to the money they “Saved”, by "not burdening Businesses with costly and unnecessary Regulations”.
If there is one thing crooks like, it’s Nothing standing in the way of getting rich quick. Businessmen, and Rich People feel this way too, and wish you did as well, so they could screw you better! Deregulation makes it “All the better to eat you with”, said the Big Bad Wolf, to Little Red Riding Hood!
And by not interfering with Professor Schumpeter’s Theory of the “Natural Creative Destruction” of the Old Economy, (the economy we were all relying on to make a living), deregulation allows the “re-invention” of a new and as yet unseen “New Economy”, that we’re all desperately hoping and praying will soon arrive, and replace the one we just destroyed!
Or melted down…Foreclosed…Placed on the Brink of Disaster…Credit Crunched…Jobless Plated…Recessionated…Shrank…And all for the sake of the Republican Theory of Self-Regulation, and the Greater Efficiency it supposedly brings!
Hey! Fire all the Cops! It’ll make us all more efficient! And Self-Reliant, too! Plus Lower Taxes, and shrink Big Gubmint! No Rules equals Greater Efficiency! The Nazis liked that idea, alot! Ask any Jew…that didn’t get turned into Toast!
And perhaps most importantly, deregulation allows the Essential Financial Innovation of “Unregulation”, also known as Self Regulation, or No Rules for the Rich. This allows the Wall Street Foxes, or your everyday garden variety crook, to guard the Chicken’s Golden Eggs! You, of course, are the Chicken, and the gold is your Retirement Nest Egg! Have you checked your “nest egg” lately, or does it make you too Sick and Queasy? How does it feel to be a meal…for a Fox, or a crook?
So look the other way! Praise the Lord! And Give a Free Pass on the Damnation! Ignore all the Unholy, Greedy, and Sinful, Wall Street Behavior! While you’re Screaming about Gay Misdirection, Wall Street just creamed in you, while giving you a rectal dissection.
Who cares about the Damn Nation! It’s Gay People Humpin’ your Butt, that causes YOU the Most Consternation! Yes sir, it’s Gay Marriage that will bring down the Nation! Not Wall Street withdrawing everything from your Ass Account, shrinking your Assets, and Bankrupting your Retirement Recreation with Deep Asset Penetration! Whoa, baby, put it right in there! Screw me More Efficiently, Mr. Wall Street Investment Banking Man!
Hey, all that rhymes, can I be a Black Rapper Fool, and a Ghetto Tool too?
So, Mr. Main Street Republican Man, would you like a little KY, with your 401K? How do you feel now…after being raped by Wall Street? Hard to walk? Bed rest, and a little grease, always makes a financial reaming easier, and stops those Financial Hemorrhoids from swelling…and hemorrhaging!
Right on! Mr. Religious Right! Give Us some mo’ oh dat “Old Fashioned Family Business Values”! And get down on your knees, you cruel, intolerant little Control Freak, and start prayin’ to Jesus, that your Retirement Fund gets Resurrected from the Dead, or you’ll be workin’ at Walmart, till you’re well past your bedtime…or Dead!
But I’m sure you already have prayed, because every time you open your Fund Statement, you probably say, “Holy Jesus! Christ Almighty! Where did you go? I was counting on you to be My Financial Savior!”
But your Fundamental Savior Fund hasVanished…into thin air. Crucified, dead and buried, and “Ass Sended” into Money Heaven, courtesy of the Boys on Wall Street! Poof! With just enough left over for the Banker’s Bonus, and nothing left for you!
You see, the Rules are not the same for the Rich and Powerful, as they are for you and me. But you’re rich, right? Or you thought you were! But you’re not now? But if you vote Republican, you will be rich again? Oh…I see.
After 25 to 30 years of Republican De-regulation, and glancing around at the current Financial Landscape, we should all look at the “No Rules, and Self Regulation” of Financial De-regulation, and say in our best Dr. Phil, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”
And don’t look to God to protect you, my friend, thinking He’s watching out for you every second of the day, because the Reality is, Wall Street and the Corporate Lobbyists, are In Control, and up your butt in a Very Big Way! It’s called Corporate Imposed Congressional Constipation, where the Corporations control all the Shit in Congress, and don’t give a Crap for the Ordinary Citizen. Oh…but Jesus wouldn’t let that happen, would he?
You know, I’ve always felt Adam Smith’s “Invisible Hand of Self Interest” works best when it’s Not Regulated At All…it can reach deeper up your ass. It’s a lot More Efficient that way, don’t you agree? (Republicans all nod their heads together in synchronicity, like a gaggle of bobble headed dashboard dolls.)
Talk about being Butt Fucked…the Gays are the last people we need to worry about doing that to Us.
Wall Street, and now Congress, and their Corporate Lobbyists, already have it down to an Art.
And now their turning it into a “Science”.
A Republican Conservative Evolutionary Science, that has Evolved, into a Truly Amazing Intelligent Design…
The Theory of the “Big Bang” is now Real…But now it’s called, “The Big Wall Street Fuck”…Or the “Republican Evolutionary Gang Bang”, screwing all the rest of us in the Universe! Or from the Mafia point of view, Newt Gingrich’s New Contract “On” America. And you, my friend, are on the Hit List.
And the proof is right there in your checkbook, in the “fossil record” of your disappeared Cash….your disappeared Job…your disappeared Retirement Fund…your disappeared House…and your mountain of Visa/Mastercard credit card Loans.
Any questions? Is there anything you don’t Understand about this?
I mean, I can explain it to you again.
I’ll give you a Clue…it involves a Weeny…and it’s not yours.
At Camp “Bank-on-Wall”, the “Concentrated Finance Death Camp”, on Wall Street, During the “Newish Mortgage Style Finance Holocaust”, of 2008-2009.
The following is actual Trial Testimony from “Ace” Greenback, CEO of Gold, Sacks and Loanmen Brothers, a Wall Street “broke broken brokerage” firm.
As a Wall Street “Concentrated Finance Camp Guard”, at the “Bank-on-Wall” Death Camp (Buchenwald was just one of several Nazi death camps, it operated from 1937 to ’45), Ace Greenback testified about his role in carrying out the “Final Finance Solution” to the “Newish” Mortgage Securities Question, and his efforts to find the Most Efficient Method for answering the “Profit Prophet” Question, at the recent “NumberScourge Trials” for Nasty Whore Criminals, in 2009 (The actual Nuremburg Trials of Nazi War Criminals occurred in 1945-46).
Transcript:
Prosecutor: “Why did you act as you did, at the Finance Concentration Death Camp?
Mr. Greenback: “We were just following Orders, from Adam Smith’s ‘Invisible Hand of Self Interest’, that naturally came out of Our Fast and Furious Finance ‘Furor’. [Furor: intense activity. Fuhrer: Hitler’s title.]
“We also followed closely the Rude and Obscene Hand Gestures, from Our Finance Concentration Death Camp Leaders, CEO Morty Gage, and CFO Homer Foreclozzure, who were in charge of the Finance Furnaces, and the Crematory Cash Ovens!”
“Those Boys are so Clever with the Money!”
“We were also paying Our Mortgage Lender Leader, Our Kamp Kommandant, CPA Ira LoanBomb, a Big Bonus, for the bundling, and ultimate bungling, of the Massive Boxcar Trainloads of “Newish” Mortgage Securities, that ultimately exploded in our face.”
“Then, after we Fooled the people out of their Homes, and into the Cash Foreclosure Chambers, we exposed the Sub-Prime Humans to a swirling cyclone of Toxic Asset Zyklon Cash, as they clung to their Newish Mortgage Security Blankets, and their pathetic home belongings.” (Zyklon B, the gas the Nazis used to kill the Jews…very Efficient)
“In our massively Efficient, Final Finance Solution, to the Newish Securities Question, we first Toxically Cashed, and then Burned the People, ultimately melting down the Economy, in our Out of Control, and Unregulated, Capitalist Finance Ovens!” (also known as “bread”, or “dough” ovens, slang for money)
“How did we know the Temperature Control on the Bake-o-matic BunnMaster would get too Hot, Cremate the Nation’s Economy, and leave just Toasted Ashes from the People’s Asses, and their leftover Burnt Assets? Gott in Himmel, those Germans make such Incredible Financial Ovens!”
“You can’t blame me if the Temperature Control Knob was Defective!”
“But on the bright side, and what is even better, is that because we were so Efficient in reaching an Industrial Sized, Final Solution, to the “Newish” Mortgage Securities Question, we were able to get the Complete, and Utter Cooperation, of all the “Sonder Commandoes” on Wall Street, to help us, as we Burned the Sub Prime Humans to Financial Death in our Toxic Asset Furnace! Pretty good, yes? That’s what I call Team Effort!”
(Sonder Commandos: Jewish prisoners, working for the Nazis, who helped calm and guide the other Jews into the Gas Chambers, by fooling them and telling them it was just a shower, during Hitler’s Holocaust, in return for the bonus of a longer and higher paying “loan on life”, at the Death Camp.)
(Wall Street “Sonder Commandos”: Financial center executives, who helped calm and guide Newish Mortgage Victims into the “Cash Chambers”, and then into the Unregulated Inferno of the Financial Furnaces, and Cash Ovens, by fooling them and telling them it was just a Golden Money Shower, during the Home Foreclosure Holocaust, in return for an Employee Bonus, and higher paying Mortgage Loans, at the Finance Death Camp.)
Dead Silence…with just a hint of burnt cash ashes, wafting up the New York Death Camp Financial Chimneys.
What…you think I’m making this stuff up?
I’m sure I read this in the New York Times!
No? Oh.
Right! I forgot! We can’t Upset the readers! Delicate Sensibilities, you know! And don’t forget Ad revenue! And Circulation! And Local Community “Look the Other Way” Standards!
Besides…this is all too crazy to be true!
Right?
There now…you feel much better!
Have some chicken soup!
Now…let me tell you about my boy, Morty. He works on Wall Street…It’s a good job, very important, let me tell you!
I wanted him to be a Rabbi, but No, he said there’s more opportunity on Wall Street!
So I had to agree with him…what are you gonna do?
He’s a good boy…he turned out all right!
He’s very respectful to his Mother!
No More Victims! And Why Republicans Want their Cash to Love Them.
WARNING! Please see the latest Republican blathering from Ann Cooter! (Is she anorexic? Bulimic? Where do the Republicans find these people? Will Monica Crowley take her place? She does have very nicely polished teeth.)
Miss Cooter theorizes, and concludes, there are “No Victims” any more.
Victims, in her view, are merely invented and cooked up by Democrats to stop Rich Republicans from doing whatever the fuck they want. (Remember…it’s better to have Nothing standing in the way of getting Rich Quick, that’s why “regulations“, or RULES, are BAD!)
You have to forgive Miss Cooter though, her bulimia/anorexia probably causes severe protein deficiency, and delirium from dehydration, leading to a very unbalanced mental state. Her eating disorder is probably caused by not being loved enough as a child, since she was raised by cold hearted, and cruel Republican parents!
The money from her books probably causes a brief “false love” sugar high, followed by deep depression, as she realizes her “love deficit’, or “Love Hole”, remains unfilled.
Why? Because money can’t buy love. A Cash Penis is no substitute for real intimacy and love. And I’m not suggesting Republicans have small penises, or Large Vaginal Psychic Emptiness, but we could look into this…it might be a Root cause of many of their Angry Thoughts.
But her Love Hole Emptiness does cause her to lash out in ever more promiscuous, erratic, and angry Statements, in a desperate plea for the real love that only compassionate Democrats could give her. What she is really saying is, “I don’t really mean this, I just need Attention! Will you, somebody, please Love Me, because Mummy and Daddy never did!” If only she would come back from the Dark Side of the Evil Republican Empire!
Her Love Hole Emptiness also causes her to seek Even More Money, as a Substitute for Love, which probably explains why most Republicans have a never ending hunger for More Cash…and a deep fear of Deficits, and explains their desire to hang on to every last “Penny of Love”.
When you get right down to it, most “Conservatives” really only want to “conserve” their ability to make quick and easy cash, and to hang on to all of it when they have it, except when they’re spending it extravagantly, to show that their Money means they are Highly Valued as People, and therefore “loved”. Or, to put it more bluntly, they are at last, finally loved, at least by their cash, and that their cash “loves” them, even if Mummy and Daddy didn’t.
So you see, Conservatives are really searching for True Love, but they will never get it from other cold, loveless Republicans, or from cold, hard Cash.
But they continue to think the more money they have, the more Worthy and Loved they will feel as a Human Being.
This is why most Republicans act like they are clenching a very stiff broomstick inside their butt. Why? Because they don’t want to “lose any of their shit”, shit meaning “stuff”, and stuff meaning money, and money meaning the love they never got. Got it?
Okay, I’ll explain it again…They hang on to their Money, because it represents the Love they never got as a Child. And they clench their butts tight because they don’t even want to lose “Not One piece of Shit”, because it Symbolically Represents a Loss of Love.
If they Give up Anything, without a corresponding Tax Deduction in Return, it represents a loss of Saved Cash Love, which they have Hoarded Throughout Their Lives, and clenched onto very tightly, to compensate for the Love that Mummy and Daddy Never Gave Them. Phew! This amateur sigh-call-o-gee stuff is confusing!
And while Republicans are very worried about the odd chance that a Gay guy’s weeny might sneak up their butt, I’m more worried about the long term Mental Health effects on Our Nation, of having Republicans in Power walking around with hard, wooden, splintery Broomsticks up their ass. Can you imagine what that must feel like? Being unloved, with a Broomstick up your butt, plus all that old shit stuck up there? No wonder they’re always so cranky, uptight, and pissed off!
Talk about your Control Freaks! The Republicans want to control everybody else, but not have any controls on themselves. Why? So they can have an easier time of screwing everybody else, and getting rich quick, so they can get more cash, and then feel valued as people. Got it?
Okay, one more time…and this time try holding your butt really tight, cause you don’t want to lose one single piece of this train of thought!
Let the Magic Show Begin!
And now, let us examine the Magical, and Unethical World, of Republican “NuLogic”!
*WARNING! DANGER! BIO-HAZARD! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
*CHEMICAL POISONS! AIRTIGHT SPACESUIT RECOMMENDED!
*TURN BACK BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! YOU MAY SUFFER BRAIN TWISTS,
OR PERSONALITY DISORDERS, FROM EXPOSURE TO THE EXTREME
CRUELTY OF REPUBLICAN THOUGHT!
*I WARNED YOU! THE BOOGEYMAN IS NEAR!
*OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT!
*LAST CHANCE TO HOLD YOUR BLANKEY!
The Magical, Unethical World of Republican “NuLogic”!
Republican “Nu Logic” is deliberately misspelled in “New Modern Traditional Updated Old Style”, and contains twisted, warped, illogical logic, so it can be more easily packaged and sold to Dumb White People, in Southern Redneck states, where people still believe the Civil War was yesterday, blacks are still “niggers and chimps, live in Trees and eat bananas, and are only fit for Pickin’ Cotton, dancin’ on Soul Train, raisin’ Pit Bulls, and shakin’ dey Ass to a Bass Drum, while driving a car that goes BOOM-BOOM every time the wheels go round”.
It also lets Republicans convince Poor toothless Southern Whites, living in trailers, and wearing raggedy Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirts, that they are actually the “Nu Rich”, and they should vote for Republicans, who will help them reach even higher heights of richness, especially in their love of Jesus, and their hatred for everybody else.
Where, oh where, would the Republicans be, if they couldn’t use their voter’s Hatred of Others, to win elections?
Completely Wrong, But Sounds Perfectly Right!
One of the hallmarks of NuLogic is its simple, easy to understand clearness, so that even though it may be completely wrong, it sounds perfectly right.
Usually this is accomplished by using a small “piece” of truth, or something that “appears” to be true, to “prove” that another thing is the same, even though it really isn’t the same…but it is what you want people to believe.
By using a “small piece of truth”, or something that “appears to be true”, or something that “people think or believe is true”, you use it as an “Example of Solid Truth”, and then you compare it to something else, and make what appears to be a “Perfectly Logical Leap”, and say the FIRST thing “proves” the SECOND thing is true…even though it really isn’t true.
You make a comparison, compare two things, and conclude they are the same, when they really aren’t. But they sound like they’re the same. Got it?
You’re saying: “A” is true, and “A” and “B” are really the same kind of thing , then “B” must also be true! But A and B are not the same, so you can’t conclude B is true! Of course, the Slick helmet hair Republican politician, or the Oily TV preacher man, will try and tell you they are the same! Yes sir, absolutely!
And because you’re not Smart Enough to see the Incorrect Logic in the examples they use--that it's not possible to make the “logical leap” they are asking you to make--you don’t realize you’re making an illogical and incorrect comparison, even though it sounds alright.
But the Republicans don’t care if it isn’t true or logical, they just want it to "sound logical", (or SoundTrue ™--trademark and patent applied for), to support what they believe, and get you to keep believing it, so they can get your vote, stay in power, and keep on rigging the Game in favor of the Rich, Powerful, and Corrupt.
"No way! The Republicans are working for Jesus! They wouldn’t lie! That would be UnJesusey!"
I know, this is tough stuff for that lightly used marshmallow in your head, but try reading it again if you want to pass GO…it’s the only section you will be tested on, especially if you don’t want to have dreams about “showing up for the test without studying”, the rest of your life.
If “A” is True, Then “B” is True. And Progress Must Be Resisted at All Costs!
It’s your basic “if-then” comparison statement, “if THIS is true, then THAT must be true”. But for the Republicans, it doesn’t matter if there is no relationship between the two things, it just has to sound like there is.
For example, if Adam married Eve, then of course, it’s Impossible for Adam to marry Steve. And if Adam does marry Steve, well, then there’s nothing stopping him from marrying a tree, or a donkey! Yuck-yuck-ha-ha! Big Oily Preacher Smile!
This gets a big laugh from the Slow Folk, as we all wait for them to catch up to Advances in Human Progress...waiting for them, decade after decade, century after century, as they screw up the world with their Violent Resistance to Progress.
Yes, the Middle East Muslims resist progress, just as right wing, southern Republican, low IQ Christian rednecks do.
The Romans resisted Christian Liberation…The Kings resisted Peasant Liberation…the Pope resisted Protestant Reformation…The Whites resisted Black Liberation…the Men resisted Female Liberation…now the Republicans, and Blacks, shame on them both, resist Gay Liberation…but that’s different…or is it? And the Rich Corporations resist Health Care for all…
The people in the future will look at us like we are heartless, cruel, brainless Fools, who still think the world is flat, and that we will all fall off the edge if we go too far with our ideas. They will say, “God, how Stupid those people were back then!” And then they will laugh!
"Now hold on just a dang minute! You mean you wanna get rid of the King, and switch to this new fangled Democracy Stuff? With Women allowed to Vote? And Equal Rights for everybody, includin' Niggers, Faggots, and Jews?”
“And what do you mean, germs are little Invisible Critters crawling all over my skin, and inside my Body? Why, that's Devil Talk! Pure Faggoty Science Bull Crap! Burn that feller at the Stake!”
“Them New Ideas is just plain damn Wrong! Wrong I say! You’ve gone just too damn far, you slick New York Jew Boy, and you is gonna Burn in the Fires of Hell, you Pornographic Hollywood Fornicator! Martha, Get the Shotgun! I want these varmints out of here!"
Simple and Easy, for Simple Minded Folk!
Let's look at the Sun as another example of Republican NuLogic Technique. IF the sun comes up in the east, goes across the sky in a half circle above your head, and then goes down in the west, in what appears to be the sun going around the earth, THEN the sun must go around the earth! Right?
"Well, it sure do sound logical to me, Bubba, that the Sun rightly do go round the Earth! Yas suh, it done come up over there in the east, go straight over our heads, and then, dang gone it, it sets in the west, so, it must go round the Earth! Ain't no other way it could go!"
If you try to say “No, it’s the earth that goes around the sun”, then the Republicans and the anti-science Christians, will imprison you, for Heresy against God and the Pope, like they did with Galileo, 400 years ago!
"Little tiny invisible critters on your body, how crazy is that! Ain't no tellin' whut kinda crazy talk them Science Jew Boys will come up with next! Them Evolooshun Jewboys is funny lookin’, and funny thinkin’! It’s that wild lookin’ kinky wavy hair that gives ‘em their crazy ideas! Earth goes round the Sun…why, that’s BullShit!"
Here’s another one. Last night I prayed to Jesus to make it not rain today, and it didn’t rain today, so obviously, Jesus made it not rain, and prayer works, and my prayers are personally connected to Jesus. Try and prove me wrong. I won’t believe you with your Science, because I believe in Jesus, and Jesus made it not rain, and Prayer Works!
You see, the connection doesn’t have to be airtight, just connected in some way, in the thinnest, tiniest and flimsiest of ways. If I believe Jesus did it, then Jesus did it. I believe it, so there!
It just has to be Simple and Easy, for simpleminded, and not very bright people to understand. Republicans, (and Religious Power Grabbers), don’t want you to try and Understand the World in its mystery and unknowns, they just want your Vote or your Allegiance or your money, and the Power it gives them, to Force everyone to Think and Behave exactly like they want you to!
And then they can rig the game in favor of…themselves.
Their goal is to force everyone to think and behave One Way, so they can have an Orderly, Easily Controlled, and Easily Manipulated Society, that they can take Advantage of, and use to get what they want quickly, and it usually has Money and Power connected to it! Different ways of looking, thinking, living, or behaving will not be tolerated, particularly if it costs them money, or gets in their way of making money, keeping their money, or getting and holding on to power.
The Rich want to keep costs down, especially the Cost of Society, because that means there is less money left for them. Being your brothers keeper is expensive. Being responsible is expensive. It’s a lot cheaper to avoid costs, to avoid being responsible, to avoid any Obligation to Society. Better to just Use it and then discard it.
And then they say to you, “I just want you to know, that I Do Love You, but I hate your Sin, while I force you to think and behave exactly like me! And maybe I’ll even kill you, if you won’t believe like me! Because I’m a loving, right wing, fanatical, Religious Freak, or a Money Freak, and an Overall Control Freak!
And it doesn’t matter if it’s a Muslim, a Christian, or a Republican...because it’s Their Way, or The Highway!
And if not…OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
One God, Over All? And Which Book is the Holiest?
It’s all the Same Thing, isn’t it? Love one another, the golden Rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
I mean, we all do believe in the Same One God, don’t we? Unless, of course, if you’re Agnostic…or a Scientologist. (Just what the fuck do they believe in anyway? And what exactly IS an E-meter?)
Or is everyone’s One God, different from my One God?
And if there is only One God, Master of the Universe, how can there be different One Gods?
And the thorniest Question of all, whose Holy Book is the CORRECT ONE…and THE HOLIEST?
Why do Sunnis and Shias kill each other, if they are both Muslim?
Why do Christians, Jews, and Muslims, kill each other, if they all believe in the same One God?
Why can’t One God, explain this to his One People?
NuLogic! It’s All in the Belief!
Republican NuLogic is, when you get right down to it, an emotional conviction, a “belief” conviction. It’s a connection that “makes sense” to your mind, and it doesn’t have to be right, it just has to “sound” right to you, particularly since you're not the smartest person, and nobody can convince you you're stupid, because your ego won’t let you admit that, and one of the hallmarks of people is that people usually don’t know when they’re being stupid!
Don't make me repeat that...reread it, like you had to do in college when you studied tough stuff, IF you took tough courses. And if you didn’t go to college...well, that makes you even smarter about understanding the complexities of Life, right? You don't even have to think, or study...right? You just know? I mean, why bother with that Hard Shit, like studying, and thinking?
That’s the whole key to Republican Nu-Logic: it doesn’t have to be true, it just has to “sound true”, or “reasonably true”, to the brainpower and “values” of the person you are trying to sell the idea to.
What is it you believe in? "Well lookee here, this proves what you believe!"
And if you don’t know what to believe, I’ll tell you what to believe, and throw in some “proof” to boot!
Yee-ha! Yessir, you done got yourself some good old fashioned NuLogic!
The Rush Rimjob and Flush Slimeball Show! The Radio BJs: Blow Job Jockeys for the Corporate Cocks! And Rush's Mini-Me, Glenn Beck, Born from the Same Satanic Test Tube! How Low Can They Go? Unzip Your Pants, Tell Them It’s a Microphone, and They'll Suck On It, Nice and Slow!
Republican NuLogic is how “Tush RimBowel” survives everyday on the radio. It’s his stock in trade, that, and his Merry Band of Low IQ listeners. Tush you see, is the fat dorky kid from high school, who threw spitballs in class and wasn’t cool with the chicks. He “grew up” to be a Mouthpiece, or Anal Tool, for the Corporate Right, still throwing “shitballs” at people, and masturbating in a little room for everyone to hear.
He “works” on the radio, in a little studio booth, with his plexiglass masturbation window, making hot, breathy calls to any one who wants to listen. And worse, he’s morphed into a goofy, fat, uncool substitute teacher, who actually thinks he’s a folk superhero.
His listeners are the Slow IQ Class, the Vast Underpowered and Slower Mental People of our ever growing population. These are the people who have obsolete, underpowered, “computer chips” in their heads, with “buggy, glitch prone” mental software, bad data, and twisted “facts” and ideas, supplied by Flush of course.
Kinda like early Intel computer chips, with Windows ’95, or worse. Lotsa crashes, blank screens, and fuzzy type. Not a real clear mental picture, and very, very, sloooow.
Their minds are not up to the task of figuring out our difficult world. They have trouble adding things up correctly, and usually can’t, which leads them to Simple, Easy and often Incorrect Solutions. They are also confused by Change, and this makes them frustrated and Angry. And Rush feeds off this…like Hitler fed off anger at the Jews.
So…I said it before…I’ll say it again…there are twice as many Stupid People in America now…compared to 1960! And Rimjob and the Corporate World, and the Republicans, have “homed in” on this, and “honed” their message accordingly, to Acquire The Stupid as an easily manipulated, and reliable POWER BASE.
Think about it...here are some clues...Census...Population growth...the Ratio of Smart to Stupid People. Smarty Moss-Cohane in Philly NPR, heads up! Here’s where a math class would of helped, with this “New Statistic” you hadn’t heard of. Let’s not reinforce the stereotype of women not being as good at math!
But I still love ya Marty! You’re a smart cookie, and you do “Good Interview”. I had to go cold turkey on you, after I left Philly and moved South, without access to your show. Barbara Walters may have more money, but she is a phoney ass compared to you! And I like your buckskin fringe native earth girl thing. It makes me feel like the groovy 60’s all over again. You got me “up” in the morning, got the juices flowing, you sly little Attack Dog you!
But back to Flush, who is apparently now so Depressed over what he has to do in life to keep his high salary, he gets hooked on pain killers, trying desperately to kill his own dark, demented, personal pain over his role as a Prostitute for the Right.
I hear music, Flush! (Cup hand to your ear) Cue the soundtrack! “Bad Boys, bad boys, whutch you gonna do, whutch you gonna do when St. Peter calls you?”
Hey Flush, is the Money Worth it? Are you locked in, and too close to retirement to quit now? Is the money just too good to give up? Do you find it hard to breath with that Big Corporate Cock jammed down your throat? Could you use a lozenge, or some flavored KY jelly?
Come on now, Flush, you know you love that Corporate cock, don’t you? Especially when those Corporate Dudes come right down your throat! It’s the only love you’ve ever really had!
And now you’ve gotten used to that lovely, creamy Taste of Money, haven’t you Flush, the big bucks you get when you hang out with the Big Fucks, who pay you big money to get down on your knees and open your big…fat…DickMouth, and they put that thick corporate cock right in there, and you have to swallow it, all of it, every last inch of it, everything they tell you to say, and then you have to squeal like the big fat pig you are, like the dude in Deliverance that gets Butt Fucked by the Hillbilly, because the hillbillies love your Ass, Flush, you couldn't live without 'em, and you're stuck with 'em, like the little fat piggie you are, with their dicks up your ass, and then you have to spit it all right back out as if they were your words, and you weren't the puppet with a corporate stick up your butt that you are! Yeah, Flush, I see right through ya! You may fool all the others, but not me!
Poor Flush, you really didn’t think your Life was going to turn out this way, did you? Not quite like you planned. But you were an angry child, weren’t you? Mummy and daddy didn’t quite give you what you needed, the love you so desperately wanted and deserved, and you’ve been just an Angry Little Republican since then...hmmm? And the radio DJ thing is the only way you can take out your anger on other people...hmmm, Flush? Short of setting cats on fire...hmmm, Flush?
What’s it like to be a Blow Job Jockey, a Suck Jock, Little Fat Flushy Boy? Lips a little RAW?
Come on, you can talk to me Flush, I’ll be your therapist! I also do Exorcisms! Together we can get rid of your Right Wing Demons! Two services for the price of one! That should appeal to your Right Wing Dollar Values!
And Flush, now that you’ve done such a great job in giving us all a Serious and Continuous "Facts Cut" on you radio “information show”, can we please have some more Tax Cuts for the Rich Freeloader Fucks, and for the Corporations that Pay No taxes?
Pause for Prayer. “Dear Lord, Please save Flush, before it’s too Late...his inner psychic toilet bowl runneth over! Way, way over. His psychic soul is filled to the brimmeth with shitteth! Please help him, oh Lord, for he is cruel little fucker, and his mother didn’t love him enough, and now only his money, and slow rednecks will! Amen.”
What to Do When the Republicans Come Spewing the Devil’s Lies...Garlic? Wolf Bane? Wooden Stake? Silver Bullet? Mirrors? Ahh, Sunlight!
So, don’t worry if Republican Logic doesn’t hold up. It doesn’t have to, and they don’t expect it to.
They just want the logic to “appear true”, and hold up “just enough”, or long enough, to suit their goal, which is to get your Vote.
The Republicans are not trying to make a sincere, fair, Logically Solid and honest argument about issues, they’re just trying to keep you inside the Republican Mind Zone.
They want to fire up their existing core believers, and keep them believing what they already believe, and pull in tighter those around the edges who are in some way already attracted to some of the Republican ideas.
Remember, we’re not dealing with super geniuses here, just very Simple Minded Folk.
A Mental Vaccine!
They’re giving believers, and potential believers, extra ammunition to defend their already existing mental position, so they won’t stray or defect to another mental position.
By giving them an easy support railing, a framework to hang their existing “belief hat” on, by giving them what they already believe, they reinforce, and strengthen their existing Belief Structure.
They’re propping them up, saying “You go, girl! Keep on believing what you already believe, you are absolutely and totally right, and here’s some more to prove it, and if there are any doubts, here’s a Booster shot to restore the Mental Vaccine against any opposing ideas.”
We're gonna give you a steady diet of what you wanna hear!
The Man Donkey Really Exists! Or Will Exist! Trust Me! I’m Telling You the Truth!
So the next time the Republicans, or the oily TV preachers, spout whacky, totally insane arguments like “Men and women will be marrying donkeys, and sucking donkey dicks, if we don’t allow school prayer, lower the taxes on the rich, and stop science from cloning Man Donkeys!”, you don’t have to go nuts, and try to say the argument has no solid logic to it, and flail around in a sputter over how illogical it is, and waste all your energy!
Just realize the Republicans aren’t playing fair.
Now that's worth repeating.
They’re not trying to construct a fair and logical argument.
Realize they don’t care that their logic doesn’t hold up, they just want it to sound reasonably true, or true enough, because their target audience is not going to be smart enough to see the flaws in the logic.
(But the ManDonkey is true, isn’t it? That’s what they told me in Muslim Sunday school, or was that Christian Sunday school? Damn, this stuff gets really confusing, can’t you just give me an Easy Simple Answer so I don’t have to Think with my Limited Brainpower? I know I saw a picture of the Man Donkey somewhere! This thinking shit is just too fucking Hard!)
(I bet there is at least one, highly sexually charged female out there right now, who is thinking, "Hmm...I wonder just how thick, meaty and juicy a ManDonkeyDick is? Let me wrap my lips around that one! Oh, yeah, put it right there! That's it, Baby...now, harder!")
There you go, one more Hot Chick, sitting in a puddle! Have a nice day at work, girls...don't stay too long in the Ladies Room!
Me? I done gots to go and work my ManDonkey! Hitch that sucker up to the Plow! Oh, Lordy, do I haves a long row to hoe!
Do you think they’ll publish this in the New York Times, on the Op-Ed page, or on the Arts/Fiction page? Or is it Too “Out there”? Maybe Too Jewish? Not Jewish enough? We should probably call the Thought Control Department, and have it cleared first…I wonder who would do that?
Selling to Average People.
When your selling ideas to frightened angry people, who are average in intelligence, or slightly to quite stoopid, you don’t have to have a good logical argument at all, or any logic really, or even the truth, you just have to use emotions and your likeability, and your similarity to them, and say, “I am like you, and I Believe what You believe!”, or say, “this is what people have believed for centuries, and therefore it is true”.
What you are doing is appealing to the most basic Lizard parts of their brain. The unthinking “fright or flight” response. And the "comparative-association" part of the brain. Fear and reward. Pain and comfort.
For example, if you buy the car in the ad, you’ll get the sexy girl lying on the hood. If you vote for Reagan, you’ll get morning in America, a plate of warm comforting pancakes, and your confidence back. If you vote for a Democrat, you're gonna get butt fucked by a gay guy. If you vote for a rich Republican, he's gonna make you rich too. Like that...it's easy! It's NuLogic!
Shitty Logic, and Garbage In--Garbage Out!
When you pick apart the logic behind a lot of Republican arguments, the logic isn’t there, it falls apart like a house of cards, because you eventually find the place in their argument where there is a Major Flaw in their Logic, where the logic breaks down, or makes an illogical leap. (See books by Bill O’Reilly, Danesh Latouza, Ann Cooter, Larry Schweikfart, and the entire Republican think tank "publishing" industry...and industry it is. Crank them suckers out! Who cares if they TRU or not!)
But since most people didn’t study logic in college, or didn't go to college, and aren’t very logical to begin with (their logic is poor) and they are not as smart as they think they are, they won’t be able to analyze the Shitty Logic the Republicans throw at them. And the Republicans count on that.
And that’s my Whole, Entire point...Shitty Logic works, if it supports someone’s Shitty Ideas, and you feed it to not very bright people. It’s a variation on the famous computer science phrase, “Garbage in, garbage out”. If you put bad data into a computer, you’re going to get bad conclusions back out. If you put bad ideas into a person’s mind, you will get bad conclusions back out.
It’s Really an Emotional Argument.
But they don’t care, because they’re not making a “fair and real” logical argument, they’re really making an Emotional Appeal, propped up with what looks or sounds like solid logic, but really isn’t. It’s really emotion and tired old beliefs, propped up with what seems to be logic, but isn’t.
What they’re doing is desperately trying to build a “logical sounding” Emotional Argument, that will prove what they want to believe, and logic be damned. As Keith Obermann says, “The Republicans will say anything to support their ideology”.
Perfectly Not Clear! Don’t Trust! Verify! And the Ever Present “Rich Freeloaders”.
Impeached Republican President Nixon said many times to the Nation, on national TV, to his loyal and unthinking believers, before he Resigned in Disgrace… “Let me be perfectly clear! I am not a Crook!”
And Republican Arizona Senator Barry Goldwater once famously said, when running for President, “Extremism, in defense of taking liberty with the truth, is no vice.”
It’s true, I heard it from the black baby he had out of wedlock in the 2000 Republican South Carolina Primary…or was that Bush's black love baby? Or was it McCain's? Its so hard to keep track of lies! I think that’s why Republicans have so many “think tanks”! It keeps their lies organized, like an organized "liebrary"!
And Ronald Reagan, (the last of the Republican presidents who could actually read his lines) once said, “Trust, but verify (“prove it”)”. He also said in a presidential debate to his opponent’s argument, “There you go again!”
And so it is with Republican NuLogic...if you want things to be “Perfectly Clear”, or at least remotely near the truth, then you’re just going to have to “Resign yourself to Not Trusting”…and then “Finding and proving the real truth…over…and over…and over again!”
Am I “perfectly clear” about that?
Otherwise, you're just gonna keep on having “Black Love Childs”, out of wedlock, over and over again, in lots of Republican primaries, especially in the land of Cotton, where it’s a lot easier to just “look away, look away, while the band plays Fix-it in Dixie Land”!
Am I “perfectly clear” about this?
Because I’m not a crook!
And I would never, ever steal the truth from you, as sure as my name is Tricky Dick!
And I really hope I haven’t acted like a Schnook! Because I’m not a Schnook! Let me be “perfectly clear” about that!
Here we go again!
Do you want to be the fucker, or the fuckee, this time? On top, or bottom? Rich or Poor? Nigger, Dead Indian, Faggot, or Rich Corporate Republican? Health Care, or No Health Care? Low wage, no wage, or take it all golden parachute? Fucked, or the fucker? Master, or the Slave?
I mean, is it really “Morning in America” yet?
And where is my plate of warm, fluffy Pancakes?
And where’s that big tax cut for rich people, because they’ve earned it, haven't they...you're damn right! For creatin' all them low wage jobs overseas! And makin' a huge profit the last 25 years on the spread between Amazingly low overseas wages, and the last remaining bit of Disposable Income left in America, sweetened by a mountain of deregulated unsustainable credit card debt!
You see, the rich guy says, “I want to use Society to get Rich, but I don't really want to have to pay for using Society! You know what I'm sayin'?”
Do ya?
Or, are you one of them do-gooder bleedin' heart Liberals, that gives two shits and a piss drop about Society? One of those “reformers” that want to “improve” things? Hey, my life is fine, there’s no need to improve things!
“Just cuz I’m a Rich Corporate Fucker doesn’t mean I’m a Rich Fuck Society Freeloader! I pay my taxes, or at least what the team of accountants tell me to pay! I ain’t makin’ my Corporate livin’ offa Society’s back! No way! I don’t owe Society Nuthin’! Not one goddamned motherfuckin’ thing! As long as I can make a profit, any way I can, I don’t owe you, Society, or the Nation, a goddamned thing! You got that, you stupid mother fucker? Now go away, I got bigger fish to fry, you stupid shit!”
Yours sincerely,
Signed, (in deaf hand language)
Faint Bernard
aka Chief Crazy Truth
The Tawkjaw Tribe
Keepers of the Unbelievable, and Unreliable White Man Treaties, that Ain't Worth Spit, or the Paper They're Written On. Located at the Trash Can Repository in Backstab, Utah, and Manifest Destiny, Wyoming.
“God said “Kill the Native American Indian”...so we killed him, and that’s why America is a Great Nation today! And Then God said, “Enslave the Nigger”, so we fucked the niggers too! But they deserved it, because they're Inferior, don’t learn well, and play crappy rap “music”!
And then we fucked the Jews, but they deserved it because they killed Jesus, were just too pushy, AND they’re funny lookin’! But now they’re getting their Revenge with Crappy Hollywood Movies, and Shitty Music!
And now, as Good Christians, we’re fuckin’ the faggots, and the manly lookin’ poontang lickin’ Lesbians! And of course, they deserve it too! And that’s why we’re such a Great White Christian Nation! Amen, Praise Jesus, and pass the Applesauce!”
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights, and lefts, reserved. Whoa, Nelly! There’s a stop sign ahead! Yassuh! Nu-Logic, with chocolate sprinkles on Top! I wanna get me some mo o dat! Just po dat shitty logic sauce all overs me now! I gotta gets me a big bottle o dat stuff, it good! Now all I gots to do is find me an uptight white republican womans, from Park Avenue, or Beverly Hills, to licks it all offs me! “Oh, Rufus! Yo is truly hung like a ManDonkey!”
Boom-boom-boom, everytime dee wheels go roun’.
“Why George, it’s just disgusting what that man says! How are we ever going to have a Moral Society with behavior like that!”…“I know Martha, but I’ve got my hands full, just trying to clean up Wall Street, and Business Street, and the Assholes in Congress”.
"Oh."
"Now roll over and spread your Creamy Thighs, cuz your gonna get fucked, like everybody else!"
"Oh, George, You Big Brute ManDonkey! You really are a red, white, and blue American! Thank God!"
“George! My God! It’s HUGE!”
“AND IT’S RED…WHITE…AND PURPLE!”
Signed,
Fey'nt Bernard, at His Finest
His Royal Thoughtful Majesty!
In Deep Purple Blue!
(Throb…Throb…Throb)
Keep a copy for yourself, and read it whenever you get depressed, or think you might want to vote republican, or get that broomstick in your butt feeling. Or whenever you think, “Is it me, or is it them?”
Trust me…It’s Them.
It’s my puny effort to improve the World’s fucked up thinking!
And you Future Boys…Listen up…I’m Frozen in a bucket of Chocolate flavored water ice, in a secret vault, so thaw me out slowly, before you turn my brain back on. I had a switch installed, marked “on/off”. There’s an instruction sheet in multiple languages, including Klingon, just in case. Don’t fuck it up…Don’t give it to the new guy!
Damn, it’s dark in hear, I can’t see a thing!!
(Splash…ka-chunk!)
Where the fuck is Heaven?…Where’s Jesus?
(Gloop!)
This dead shit sucks!
(Splermp!)
Is that you Jesus? Where’s the 72 Virgins? Is this a fuckin’ plastic bucket, or what?
Holy Crap! Where’s my Penis?
Where’s all the colors, and flyin’ around, and meetin’ all your relatives and stuff?
This sucks! If this is Heaven, I want my money back!
Should I call Ticket Master, the Pope, or the Flying Carpet Company?
Oh, God! No! I’m on a Flash Drive, hanging on some Computer Dork’s Neck!
Not that, anything but that!
What is that shitty “music” he’s listening to?
Oh, Jesus, now he’s touching himself…again!
Quit banging me against the table…that fuckin’ Hurts!
Eject me! Please, EJECT ME NOW!
Get me off this USB Dork!
I don’t care if you lose all my data…just get me outa here…NOW!
Oh, Christ, he’s coming…glub…swooosh….oiuoiHELP!…eroioioieAIR!
Bloop!
Fisszzz…
Silence.
Sploink…brip…oooz…
Koff! Snorf!
An ooo ear mee?
Ep! EPPPPP!
Jeebus! Dizh Shib izsh Stickee!
Huh?! Izsh dap goormay oshun shpray sea salt?
Copyright © 2009. By Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Yep! All the News that’s Fit to Print!
I’m aimin’ for the New Yawk Times!
I’m a Comin’, Baby! Yes, Sir…I’m a Comin’!
Ber-ring! Ber-ring! (sound of phone ringing)
“Thought Control Department?”
“Yes?”
“We have a Problem…”
