I tell ya, I get no Respect! I just flew in from Cleveland, and boy are my arms tired! If you're Starving in Africa, why not move to where the Food is?
[At the Home Made Joke Department. I actually made these next jokes up! Pat me on my Weeny, and give it a Big Kiss! I iz a good Boy! (Female kisses, Women Only!) You gay dudes stay on Your side of the field!]
Ready, Comedy Clubsters?
Question: What’s the difference between a Muslim Terrorist, and a bailed out Wall Street Banker?
Answer: Not a thing. Both believe in following their Profit, or Prophet, at all Costs!
* * *
Question: What’s the difference between Muslim Terrorists collapsing the Twin Towers, and U.S. Bankers collapsing the U.S. Economy?
Answer: Not a thing! Both involved a 911 Emergency Call to the President, and Big Government to clean up the Huge Mess.
No? Let’s see…
Both caused frantic 911 Emergency Calls to the President, a Big Government Effort to clean up the Yooj Mess, a lot of people got burned financially, were thrown out on the streets, lost their jobs, their life savings, and almost lost their will to Live! Now, that’s pretty close, don’t cha think?
And the Biggest Difference?
Oh, now I remember, one involved the Muslim Prophet, and the other involved the Money Profit! Bottom line it? They were both about Religion, but just a different definition of “The Maximum Prophet”. (Ba-bump! Cymbal CRASH!) But overall, pretty much the same Effect.
I still don’t get it!
Okay, how about…
KA-BOOM! And Boy, is that a Long, Waay, Down!
In my best country western Twang, that a rural bumpkin can understand, “How many times does a Horse have to throw ya, before ya catch on? Have You Forgotten Yet, Jobless Boy? Or do you wanna lie there in the dirt, alittle while longer?”
* * *
Question: What’s the difference between the Twin Towers Meltdown , and the U.S. Economy Meltdown?
Answer: One involved Toxic Materials, the other involved Toxic Assets. After a while, they’re pretty much the same.
* * *
Question: What’s the difference between a Handout for Freeloaders on the Back of Society, and a Tax Cut for the Rich?
Answer: Not a thing. Not one god damned thing.
* * *
Question: Have you had the Republican “Economic Cheesy Melt” Sandwich?
Audience: No, what is it?
Answer: It’s two slices of Wonder Bread, with Nothing in between!
And the bread is burnt to a rock hard crisp, for extra nutty flavor. Theoretically, it’s supposed to have a surprisingly fresh “Free” Market Flavor, that melts itself! It also apparently makes you feel very Patriotic, while you “Eat It”!
Careful you don’t break a tooth! Course, if you’re a toothless Southern Republican Bumpkin, you probably don’t have too many teeth to worry about, and really don’t need National Health Care anyway, that is, until you get Sick, and then you just “free load” off the Emergency Room, you cheap white Trash southerner!
Isn’t it funny that, when you get ME to Subsidize, that is, to Pay for Your Emergency Room Care, then all of a sudden, magically, “You Don’t Mind a Big Government MANDATE”, as long as I’m Paying the MANDATED Emergency Room Care For YOU, Ya Cheap White Southern Socialist Freeloader!
And if you already are getting Health Care Benefits thru your job, you’re getting them TAX FREE!
I pay for my private individual health policy with AFTER TAX DOLLARS, so I’m SUBSIDIZING YOU, you Socialist Freeloader Fuck! Why? Because YOU don’t pay taxes on the Dollar Value of your Health Care Benefits, and I do.
Your Health Benefits are part of your Total Wages, BUT you don’t pay ANY taxes on them! Got it? Ya Commie Socialist, Southern Traitor, Goldbricking Freeloader!
YOU my friend, are getting a “freebie”, a TAX FREE Nigger HANDOUT, from Big Gubmint, ya Southern Socialist Cadillac WELFARE QUEEN! Ain’t that Sweet, a white Southerner, acting just like a Nigger! Ain’t so High and Mighty Whitey now, are ya, NIGGER WHITEBOY? And that’s just what YOU are, Southern Bumpkin boy, a Nigger Lovin’, SOCIALIST QUEER, HANDOUT TAKIN’, NIGGER WHITEBOY! How ya like them apples?
And if you “go naked”, without any coverage becuz you’re healthly NOW, when you do finally get sick or injured, you can call Republican Senator Bitch MyCuntILL, (yes, that’s right, Bitch “My Cunt ill”) from Kentucky, and ask him if he can spare some of that Senator Style Health Care HE GETS! Or, if he has some spare Kentucky Horse Teeth he can lend ya, to chaw with, becuz you don’t got DENTAL, ya toothless No Brains WhiteBoy.
* * *
Question; Do you know why Republicans don’t want to give the people Universal Health Coverage?
Answer: They’re afraid the People will get too Healthy, and rise up in Revolt.
Marie Antoinette: “If the People need Health Care, let them go to a Doctor! Now, pass me that piece of Cake, I’m just ravenous!””
* * *
Question: Have you heard that the Republican Party really “cares” about the Ordinary Citizens of America?
Answer: [Long Pause. Silence. Sound of Squeaking chairs.] That’s a Joke, right? Is that supposed to be Funny? Did somebody turn off the laugh track? What the fuck happened to the Laugh Track? That WASN’T FUNNY!
* * *
Has Joe, the Blue Collar Plumber, EVER Even Read, the U.S. Constitution?
Hey Pal, the fucking Constitution never promised you a Rose Garden, or Free Health CARE! No way!
Life, liberty, and the PURSUIT of Happiness, maybe, but it NEVER EVER promised you health care! It said you had “a Chance” at Life, but nothing about once you were already HERE!
Did the Constitution promise you a car? NO!
Did it Promise you a good marriage, with Great SEX? NO!
Did it Promise you would get along with your Parents? NO!
See what I’m sayin’?
It does say something about looking after your Welfare, but that just means, “How are Ya? Are you Faring Well? And Top of the Mornin’ to Ya, nice day!”
It’s like saying, “How are you doing?”
You’re supposed to say, “I’m Fine!” You’re Not supposed to say, “I’m doing really Shitty, the Republicans fucked me Again!” That’s just Not Polite!
The Constitution doesn’t say ANYTHING about MRI’s, Cat Scans, and Co-Pays, or Chemo Therapy, Cars, or SEX, or airplanes! No Sir!
In fact, I got news for ya, Pal, anything NOT MENTIONED in the Constitution, is Unconstitutional! Yes Sir!
According to STRICT Interpretation of the Constitution, having Sex is Unconstitutional! So Stop Touching yourself, Immediately! YOU Unconstitutional, Unpatriotic Bastard Sex Toucher!
AND, the Constitution doesn’t say ANYTHING about Early Founding Fathers Doctoring, like bleeding you at the combo doctor/barber shop, to let out the Bad Vapors!
Or about giving you Tincture of Mercury to cure what ails you (a fatal poison then, but they didn’t know it, cause it was “Slow Acting”. Now mercury is most often found in Tuna Sandwiches, or thermometers.).
And the Constitution never said anything at all about doctors washing their hands between touching patients, or washing the Blood off the surgical instruments from the previous patient, or even washing the doctors hands or instruments, from the previous pregnant woman, before sticking their hands up your VAGINA, and causing you to die from the all too popular “Bed Fever” infection passed from woman to woman, by arrogant idiot asshole doctors!
You can Kiss your wife away, when she gets that! Now it’s called Sepsis, or Blood Poisoning. Women lasted about two weeks after they got that, and no amount of praying to JESUS helped!
It would be like going to a dentist today, and having him use the same drill, without bothering to WASH It, excuse me, STERILIZE IT, from the LAST Patient! Hey! the Constitution doesn’t SAY ANYTHING about that!
But what the heck, I’M JUST A STRICT FUCKING Constitutional Asshole Interpretist!
The Declaration of U.S. Health Care! 1776! The Founding Doctors of America! Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits, and a Mustard Plaster to Improve Your Simple Wits!
How the fuck could they PROMISE YOU HEALTH CARE, back in 1776, when they first wrote the US Constitution, at a time WHEN Health Care DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING EXIST?
IT WAS 1776! They didn’t even know GERMS Existed! If you said “I think disease is caused by little INVISIBLE CRITTERS, crawling ALL OVER, and INSIDE Your BODY”, they would have locked you up in the Looney Bin! Or Burned you at the Stake!
“Doctors” had No FUCKING CLUE what they were doing! It was Total Guesswork, Quackery, and Stab in the Dark Witchery! You would have been better off with a Tribal Witch Doctor from Africa with a Bone in his Nose, or a Gypsy Crystal Ball Reader.
Doctors basically just fucking flipped a coin, and made something up that sounded good! If you went to a Hospital, YOU fucking DIED! And You weren’t much better off at home either! When some early doctors actually started talking about WASHING their hands between Patients, the other doctors just laughed, and said it was foolish Insanity!
Simple Answers, for Simple Conservatives! Sun Goes Around the Flat Earth! Earth Is the Center of the UNIVERSE!
Taking a Bath Causes Illness! Germs Are the Notions of the DEVIL! BURN THE GODLESS WITCH!
Cast Out the Demon Liberal Idea of EQUALITY for ALL! What a Foolish Notion! Everybody Knows We’re NOT ALL EQUAL!
Where’d You Get That Crazy LIBERAL Idea From? Are You Nuts? Equality for ALL? It Will Ruin the Country! And the South! It’s Socialism!
Equality is Only for Rich White Landowners! Next Thing You Know, You’ll Believe That Nutty Liberal Idea That EVERYBODY Has the RIGHT TO VOTE! America Is Doomed, IF EVERYBODY Gets to VOTE! It’s More Socialism!
Besides, We Can’t Afford To Let Everybody Vote! Think of the Cost! Whose Gonna Pay for It?
Democracy Isn’t for EVERY CITIZEN, That’s Another One of Them Half Baked LIBERAL Ideas!
Democracy Is Just for RICH PEOPLE, and GIANT CORPORATIONS!
You’re Just There to Serve Them, and Believe, that One Day, “You’ll Be Rich Too!”
That’s the problem with the Conservatives.
They don’t want to deal with “The Future”.
And when they are forced to deal with The Future, they always want to use the often Outdated “Knowledge”, from the Past.
Or they want to Avoid the Future at all costs, by Hiding in the Past.
Or, they just want to keep EVERY Penny for themselves, and avoid having to pay for anything, including The Future. That way, everything can stay the same, and in their Favor.
Such Selfish Self-Interest! That’s a “Virtue”, isn’t it? And Greed, and lack of Compassion? And Lack of Love of thy neighbor? And Doing unto others, what you Would NOT want done to you? Those are Virtues, aren’t they?
Let’s ask Gamble-holic Bill Bennett, if Conservative Selfishness is a Good Thing, hmmm? He’s another Psychologically Damaged Conservative, who doesn’t walk the talk! Maybe he’s got a Quick Simple Easy Answer, in his big, easy to write, “Book of Virtues”.
That’s the problem with the Conservatives, they want a Brilliant, PERFECT Little Rule Book from the Often Bad, Dumb Old Past, to cover EVERY New Problem that comes down the Pike. That way, they don’t have to Think about how to Deal Fairly, with NEW PROBLEMS that crop up. Problems that keep coming at us, as “Our Future”, turns into “Our Present”.
Shoot me now! Before another psychologically damaged conservative comes along, and Infects me with Outdated REPUBLICAN CONSERVATIVE-itis, and causes me to need a good Bleeding, to let out the Bad Vapors! Whaddya think, will a Cup, or a Bowl, do?
Whoa! I’m getting just a mite bit Dizzy here! What’s all that red shit on the floor?
FA-THUUMMPP! CRASHH! Whirl, wizzle, wizzle! Pwink!
“I say, Old Chap, methinks I done bled him, a skooch too much!”
“Oh Blast! Who’s going to pay for all this bloody mess?”
Signed,
Faint Bernard!
Deader than a Dead Constitution! Do Ya think we can “Rebuild” it?
Old Bernardy! Zee Great Joke Meister!
I Vill haff dem Laffink, in der Sterreets!
Rollink down der Boulevards!
Vatch out! Here Komenzee da nu Yolk Meister!
I Vill Kraack, You UP! You little Girly Man!
We Vill PUMP Up that little Girly Penis you have!
Und Lick your Delicious little Clitoris!
* * *
Gee Mom! Do ya think they’ll let me into the Poetry Club?
No dear!
Why not? Eeeee EEEE CUMINGS “got in”, didn’t he?
He went “all the way” into the Poetry Club, didn’t he?
Yes dear, but he actually wrote Poems, not this Sexual shit you are writing!
You gotta write more emotional High Class Shit.
Something that will actually Touch Peoples Hearts,
And not just their Dirty Disgusting Diseased Sex Parts!
You gotta write about leaves, and sunsets, and how getting divorced is like drowning your Cat. And life is like a golden autumn sunset, on crunchy snowy ground, thru the whispering trees. Stuff like that.
Oh.
* * *
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved.
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
* * *
Getting the Republican Dicks Straight!
Does that Boy think them damn jokes is FUNNY?
Don’t you know it was the Democrats that blew up the Twin Towers, and melted down the Global Economy?
Get yer Republican Story Straight!
Don’t You go fuckin’ with MY Right wing Head!
I KNOW What REALLY Happened!
The Blonde Floozies on POX NoNoozOoze, TOLD ME, while I was watching them, and MASTURBATING!
Question: What is more Disturbing? Masturbating during POX Nooz, or watching the show itself?
Compare and contrast, discuss amongst yourselves!
SPLUURRT! SPLOORP! Blorp! [Toe curls, arched back, Crazy Contorted Monkey Faces!]
Oh, Yeah, Baby! Tell me how BAD them Demoncrats are! Now SPANK ME! Stare into the Camera, You blonde POX Floozy, and give my Bad Democratic Penis a BIG KISS!
Wait a second! Let me wipe my dripping Come, sliding down the TV Screen, off of your luscious red penis sucking lips, and let me get that little sticky glob, right there on your blond TV Anchor nose! (Smoochee, scree scree, Woochee, mudgee Smudge, there!)
Hey, if God didn’t want blond TV News Anchor Babes to Suck on Thick Penises, HE wouldn’t of given them thick pouty PENIS SUCKING LIPS!
What do you think a big Black dick Microphone is FOR? HUH, BITCH? Get Back To SUCKING! SERVE your PENIS NEWS MASTER! Your TV Studio Microphone, is your LORD and BASTARD MASTER!
You look SO pretty and slutty, my POX “News” Babe, in your “Boost-Tee-Yeah”! Your Momma would Be SO PROUD! Just think! You’re a Whore, for the Corporate World, and on TV!
Wow! A girl can’t go much further than that, can she? You’re On TOP of the Corporate Penis World! Hey, Ma, look at me! I’m on Top of the Corporate Cock, Riding the Cash hard, Diamond Rock!
I’m getting Top Dollar for my Pretty Pussy Face ! Free Market Economics at its BEST! I think I’ll change my name to Brittany Humes, the better to eat you with, my dear, I’m a Little red riding Clitoral Hood!
Where’s my Shure MicroBone Vibrator, with the Pop filter? Hmmm, Fresh Batteries!
Let’s fire this sucker up! ZERRR-rheeeeee! Zizz, Zizz, ZEEEEEEEE! ZEE-YOWW!
Zeeeorr ZERB, ZERB, ZERB! (Oh Yeah!) ZEERRBB, SNNORP! (Ouch!) SNNUUBBBUB! (Better!) WUBBLE WUBBLE WUBBLE! (Oh BABY, that’s the SPOT!) WUBBAH BUBBA, BLERBLE WERBLE BLUBBAH!
[Sound of a gushing, natural orgasmic, vaginal lubricant. Kind of like Flushing water, flowing down a Water Slide, at a Theme Park Ride, and Pooling into an Anchor chair Puddle. ]
(GISH!) Oh! (GUUUSH!) OHHH! (GOOOSSSHHH!) Oh God, I’m a Gushing Vaginal WATERFALL OF LOVE, FOR MONEY!
Spitzzz ZAAAPPP! OUCH! I’m getting an ElecTrick SCHLOCK SH-SH-SHOCK!
God! That Felt GOOD! Well, at least Temporarily! I’m Still a GOOD GIRL, I think, even if I “work it” for POX Nooz!
Whatever they tell you to “Put in your Little Virgin Mouth”, whether it’s a stiff hard microphone, or a bullet head talking point, and they ask you to “chew on it”, “spit it out”, “Swallow it ”, or “mull” it over, you’ll do it, like the good little slutty anchor “News” girl you’ve become!
Just focus on the Money you’re getting, and the “Exposure”, and then the memories won’t be so BAD! PRETEND you’re “Not in the Room” (you’re not in a fake newsroom) like Rape Victims do! Then the Mental Pain, won’t be SO BAD!
Hey Blondi Anchor Girl, can you spell the word, “Shill”?
How about, “Public Relations Prostitute”?
“Corporate Escort Service”?
“Corporate Lap Dancer”?
Or would just plain “Ambitious Whore”, I wanna be on TV at any Cost, work for you?
[Cut to Commercial Break, Voiceover.]
“Get POX Ooze, for all your Conservative Chancre Sores! It covers up your STD - - your awkward Social Traditional Disease - - in a jiffy!”
“WARNING! Traditional Heritage Virus, Type 1692, The Salem Witch Doctor and Liberal Vaccine Trial Version, is still Highly Contagious, even without noticeable Market Bubble Blisters, or the usual foaming at the right side of the mouth!”
[Exterior, Salem Village Street, showing Ye Olde/Young POX “news” anchor girl, being happily released from wooden punishment stocks, while dancing, smiling, and swirling around with scarfs.]
“Now you can go back to being yourself, without really worrying about who you really are!”
[Patriotic theme music, American flags waving, and in background, an uptight conservative chick getting humped in a white, flower latticed Gazebo, while really, really drunk. She’s wearing a white flower frosted wedding cake dress, that looks like gay guys with “Frosting squeezers” spent ALL DAY on, and sitting next to a Year’s free supply of “American Hump”, the conservative Vaginal Lubricant, courtesy of the American Game Show, “Who’s Your Daddy?” ]
[Back to POX “newscast”.]
“Tonight’s Top Story! The Ayn Rand John Birch Society says, Universal Health Care for all U.S. citizens, is a sign of American Weakness, just like Fluoridated Drinking Water was, and is a Modern Menace, and a Dangerous Pollutant, of Our Daily Precious Bodily Fluids!”
“National Health Care for all U.S. citizens, means a Breakdown in the ‘Patriotic American Flag Fabric of Our Freedom Culture, and the Disintegration of Our Rugged Daniel Boone, Davy Crockett, Coonskin Cap, American Pioneer, Frontier Individualism’, and the onset of ‘Creeping Sissy Boy, Northern European Homosexual, Man Purse, Kiss My Boo-Boo Make It Better, Wear You Mommy’s Panties Socialism’, as well as an ‘Unwillingness to Perform your Patriotic Duty to Die for Your Country, When You get Sick’!”
“POX No Nooz Ooze! THE TRUTH, as close as we’re gonna let you get to it!”
“Goodnite, Chet! Goodnite, Bruce(th) (You Silly Savage Lispy Boy)!”
“Good Nite, Brittany Humes!
“Courage! You little Fact Fuckers, Courage! A Nervous Breakdown is just a few seasons away.”
“All we gotta do is collect a few more paychecks, and then Maybe, we can still wash it all away!”
Just like Rape Victims do. Try and wash it all away. Try to get Clean again.
Rub-a-dub-dub! A whole bunch of “News” anchors, all Dirty, in a nice clean Tub.
Can you really get your Soul, clean again? Or does the Come Stain, the Memory of the Sin, stay and never go away?
Story at eleven. Or maybe at the stroke of midnite. Or maybe, till the last minute of your Life.
Stay Tuned. Update, at High Noon.
Then, maybe then, you might have a Moment of Truth.
* * *
[Boy on Street.]
“Extry! Extra! Read all about it! ‘News’ SOLD Here!”
“Get your ‘news’! Fresh from the ‘Press’! Freshly Made News! Hot off the press!”
“Whatever you wanna hear, we got it!”
“America, greatest country in the world, but not for long, if the corporations and Republican senators, have anything to say about it!”
“Next! Top Story! Rural Conservative Blue Collar People easily fooled by Rich Republican Corporations! Just wave the American Flag in front of their face, tell them Liberals will take away their Guns, and they are easily Blinded to Everything Else! Offer a free shotgun shell, in exchange for their Vote, or a Bible with HomoPhobe Hate lines highlighted in Yellow! Or a Free anti-Gay Wolf Bane Garlic Necklace, with Jesus Cross!”
“Tonite’s Final Top Story! Rich Republican Party Promises to Help the Average U.S. Citizen! Truly a Miracle from JESUS! GOP Promises Extra Ladle of Gruel, for every dinner pot! And Special Invisible “No Big Government Cheese” Sauce, on New Republican Meltdown Sandwich!”
“But Wage Increase Definitely Out of the Question for Common Man, wouldn’t be Prudent, for Corporate Bottom Line!”
“Not gonna do It! Wouldn’t Be Prudent! Besides, You Poor Americans are too Fat as it is, already! Now‘s a Good Time to Lose that Weight! Recession is a Good Thing!”
“Just tighten your Belt, and be a Good American! Just the way the Rich do!”
* * *
The Corporate “Bottom Line”!
Question: What is the “Corporate Bottom Line”?
Answer: It’s that Ass Crack, that sits on your face.
And tells you to do more with less, everyday.
It kinda has a brown and fudgey Taste.
It’s your “free Market” Reward, for being a good Sheep like citizen.
Now open wide! Here comes the latest Republican Party Poop!
More shit, from the Rich! Nice and brown and fudgey! Hmm, Yummy!
You’ll get used to it! When you’re Not Rich, there’s not much you can do! You usually just have to Suck it up, and Eat it, you Jarhead! You’re a Citizen Marine! Down in the dirt, and give me five! Now, suck my Rich Dick! Aaah, much better!
As the Rich like to say, in their Snooty, Nose in the Air Fashion, “Shit is an Acquired Taste!”
Yep! The Rich are gonna help the Poor, the Working class, and the Middle class get a Fair Shake! Everybody that Isn’t THEM! Now THAT, you can call RICH!
Holy Shit! Robin Hood just FLEW by the Castle Window, with Merlin, the Free Market Magician, on a winged Unicorn Horse! And that English Kid, Harry Potter, was with them, and that Fumble Dwarf dude!
The only “Fair Shake” the Rich are gonna give to the People Beneath Them, is a Fair Shake of their Dick, after they’ve Finished Pissing on the Little People!
There (Shake, shake)! You get the Last Two Drops! Aren’t you Lucky! You guys just Scramble around down there, show us some Initiative, and lick up the Scraps! And maybe we’ll let you come up here, and Piss on People Too!
Oh Marie! Marie Antoinette! Can I have a piece of Cake? I would just LOVE to have a small piece of rich cake, right about now! You got any vanilla? Chocolate will also do! With some of those itty bitty, Republican Sprinkles on Top!
Hmm, that tastes just fine and dandy! Rich, creamy, brown and Fudgey, Corporate Bottom Line Cake! Yum, yum!
This must be Specially made just for Ordinary Citizens! It’s not that super sugary, extra Thick, Upper Crusty, Corporate Cake, for the Super “Uber Rich”, that Live above Us All!
It does help if you lower your Middle Class Expectations a bit. Like lower yourself to your Knees, and then Tilt your head UP! And Open Wide!
The greater the Expectation, the harder the fall.
Here it comes! Your Ladle of shit from the Rich!
Ker-Plop!
Chew! Chew! Yum, Yummy!
Now, wash that down, with some Upper Class “Crystal Clear, Champagne Colored” PISS!
Pissssssssssssssssssssssss! Shake! Bloop! Shake! Bloop! Oh, what a nice and Generous, truly Venomous, Rich Satanic SNAKE you are!
I say, old Chap! A wee bit of Steamy, pissyshit, Wet Weather we’re having down here, aren’t we now, in Our Merry Old, New Class Solidified, NEW AMERICAN Colony?
What is this? Something about this tastes really familiar! Where have I tasted this Before? Ya know, it’s really not too bad!
You know, you could get used to it, if you chopped off your balls, and ate them too! And if you Ate it all, while on your knees, in a Subservient Position, to best allow the rich to take ADVANTAGE of you!
And if you pretend you’re not in the room, while they RAPE you!
Ahh! Now I remember, the CAKE of the KINGS!
YES, My LORD, and CORPORATE TASK MASTER!
I am Your Humble, and Lowly, Citizen SERVANT!
RAPE ME, IF YOU WISH!
FOR I JUST LOVE,
LICKING THE BALLS,
OF THE CORPORATE RICH!
OH MY! WHAT A BIG “BOTTOM LINE” ASS CRACK YOU HAVE!
AND SUCH A MIGHTY BIG CORPORATE DICK!
Now, is that poetry, or what?
Signed,
Faint of Arc Bernard
Burning at the Loins,
of His Stiff Penis STAKE!
And the Corporate Walls,
Came Tumbling DOWN!
And the People Were Freed,
At Last!
From the Greedy Clutches,
of the Profit KINGS!
And Freedom to America,
was Once again Restored,
For another brief repast!
And so endeth the Fairy Tale,
of the Tale of Bernard Faint Frank.
Copyright © 2010, by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved!
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all Komenzee back Now,
the Corporate Ovens,
are Burnin’ Bright tonite!
“Ve Vill CONSUME DER PEEPLE, Und send dem UP, up and away, in a beautiful Balloon, in a Cloud Of SCHMOKE, MIT OUR MOST EFFICIENT, FINAL PROFIT SOLUTION to the Screwish the Consumer Question!
Jawohl, my Corporate GOP Profit Leader! The Right Wing Conservative Signal, is Turned on High, To Maximum Profit, My Furious Prophet Leader!”
“Throw dee SWITCH, UND FRY DER PEEPLE! Give Me Maximum Retail, or Give Me Death!”
And all across America, the lights dimmed, and went out, in Georgia.
And the next day the Headline said, “John Doe, Is Dead”.
“John Doe, aka John Q. Citizen, expired at Midnite, Corporate time, at the Hands of the Corporate, Conservative, Republican, Religious State.
The next day, the Maximum Leader proclaimed, “One Size, Fits All.”
“You will be allowed to live, as long as you make your Minimum Payment.”
That’s Fair, don’t you think?
* * *
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Uncle Milty Friedman Fucked Up, Big Time! He Shoulda Been a Doctuh! With a "Yooj" Malpractice Insurance Policy!
Bitin’ the Big One! Chowing Down, On Another Wall Street Mistake! 21st Century Finance Lessons, for the Economically Foolish at Heart!
(“Yooj” - That’s New Yawkese for “Big”, as in, “you have, or you are, a Yooj DICK”.)
Question: Which one of the following, Greenspan, Friedman, Geittner, or Einstein, is the Smart Jew?
Answer: Einstein. He’s the only one whose THEORIES HAVE HELD UP, stood the Test of Time, and have PROVEN to be TRUE, and not just FUCKING THEORIES!
Unlike the Other Guys Named Above, whose theories and Actions proved to be WRONG, and ended up spewing Hot Molten Economic Lava all over the citizens of the USA, in one of the worst Recessions since the Great Depression!
KNOCK! KNOCK! HEELLLOOO! ANYBODY HOME? FINANCE THEORY NOT UP TO EINSTEIN LEVEL!
Uh-Oh! Oops! Finance Jew guys NOT AS SMART as Rocket Science Jew guys! Who knew!
Moon to Earth! Houston we have an Economic Problem! There’s No Money to fill the fucking gas tank! Jew guy fucked up! Market FAILED to behave as Expected! THEORY PROVED WRONG! Emergency! Space Shuttle just BLEW THE FUCK UP! AN UNEXPECTED MARKET EVENT!
(*University Econ Departments, and hot shot B-Schools take note! Revise entire Curriculum immediately to reflect REALITY, not just THEORIES! Mental Note: Einstein knows Universe! Right Wing EconoMists don’t know jack shit!)
Here’s the New Math…
Einstein equals Good Jew! Why? Because “E=MC Squared”! Simple!
What do Friedman, Greenspan, Geittner equal? Bad Jew! Why? Because “No Rules DO NOT EQUAL Market Squared”! Simple!
If you believed in their Logic Chain, you’d have to believe that “No Rules=No Nazis.” Now, whose gonna believe in that? The JEWS?
Trust me! “Unsupervised, unregulated Nazis, will act prudently, and regulate, and correct themselves!” The only Jews who believed that, got stuck in Europe, and died in a gas Chamber.
Updated for Wall Street… “Trust me, this is a Shower of money, not a Cash Foreclosure Gas Chamber!”
“We’re the New Zonder Commando Brothers, of Wall Street! With the Most Efficient Final Profit Solution, for the Screwish Question. Come on down! No Rules=a Big Bonanza, at least for a while!”
Come on, am I being Reasonable, or What?
Whether it’s a businessman or a Nazi, YOU can Trust them both to Behave!
I’m not making this up.
The Myth of the “Rational, Self Regulated” Smart Finance Jewish Guy.
Aaron’s Wall Street Fast Pawn and Loan! He’s Guaranteed Not To Over Borrow, and Get In Way Over His Head!
Wall Street Journal Headline: Wall Street All Tangled Up! Stepping On It’s Own DICK, AGAIN! How Many Times We Gotta Learn This Lesson? Borrowing From Peter, To Pay Back Paul, or Saul, or Sammy, or Sid?
Oh God, What’s a Mother to Do? I Did Everything I Could To Raise Him Well! How Did I Know, He’d Turn Out To Be a Fat Putz, With a Dickhead On His Shoulders?
After skimming thru “The Myth of the Rational Market” by Justin Fox, I coulda just about cried.
I’m thinking, “Holy Crap! You mean the Boys in Power spent the last 45 years ACTUALLY LISTENING to EconoMist Milton Friedman, and his fucked up theories, from the Chicago School of Business Ineptitude?”
Uncle Milty and his conservative buds basically Jammed their freaking right wing “THEORY” of a “Rational Market”, and “another neat little THEORY” of how “Markets Will Regoolate Themselves”, straight down everybody’s Throats, like some kind of Voo Doo EconoCockEnomics! Throw some Magic Powder on that Market Bubble! Poof! Now follow the Money, down the Rabbit Hole!
And everybody listened to them! The boys in power bought it hook, line, and sinker, and THEN, because of those THEORIES, the Republicans actually Deregulated Wall Street, tore down ALL the Rules, put that Sleepy Rape Drug in the Regulator’s drinks, and proceeded to Fuck Wall Street, and the Nation, with their fat engorged stinky Dicks, and THEN we all went down with the Ship, in the Economic Meltdown of 2008!
Call the Financial Rape Crisis Center, Pronto! But first collect the sticky Wall Street Ejaculate Evidence, before you take a Shower, to make yourself feel Clean Again!
Iceberg! Dead Ahead!
I Say Old Chap, That’s Really Quite Impossible!
Not to Worry! The Titanic Economy Will Steer Itself! Why? Because It’s Rational! With Lots of Self Regulated Captains at the Wheel! Toot, Toot!
Here Comes, and There Goes, the USS Titanic! Oh Shit! What Happened To Our Ship, and All the Lifeboats?
Damn! You Just Poured an Ocean of Ice Water, All Over My Nice New Self Regulated Market THEORY! Now I’m Freezing My Ass Out Here, in the Economic COLD Ass OCEAN! Blub! BLUB! GASP! HEEELLLPPP!
Mommy! I Want My “Self Regoolating, Rational Market”, Security Blanket! I Want My Blanky! Waaah! This Water Is Freezing Cold!
Where Did My House Go? Where’s My Job? What Happened to My Retirement Fund? Boo, Hoo, Hoo! The Selfish, Irrational Market Took My Blankey! It’s Not Supposed To Do That! I Was Supposed To Get Rich In a Jiffy! WAAAAHHHH!
Mommy! I Stepped On My Dick! Will You Kiss It ,and Make It Feel Better?
Yes, Dear! Oh My God, It’s All Black and Blue! You IDIOT!
How the Fuck Did You Step On Your OWN DICK? Your Supposed To Be Smarter Than THAT! I Didn’t Raise You To Be a STUPID PUTZ!
We basically tore down all the Financial Rules between the years 1975 and 2000, rules that had been painstakingly built up over all the years of trial and error, booms and busts, Depressions and recessions, with all the economic suffering they brought, rules that were put in place to PREVENT just the kind of Financial Calamity we have NOW, and we tore down all these rules because of Uncle Milty’s freakin THEORIES?
And Now we have this big freakin financial mess, as a result, because of the Single Mindedness of Uncle Milty, and the rich Republicans, who thought “Great, this will Make my Money Game a whole lot Easier! Let’s all jump on Uncle Milty’s Band Wagon!”
Milton Friedman may have gotten a Nobel Prize for his Money Supply Equation, Money=MC Hammer Pedal to the Metal, but that is just One Little Area of the Entire Economics Field, and one correct move doesn’t mean everything he tackles is true! Just as Dan Quayle ain’t no Jack Kennedy, Milton Friedman ain’t no Albert Einstein.
Somebody needs to give this guy the Alternate Prize, the “No Bell”, for getting it WRONG on the other THEORIES.
Bowling for Monsters and Balling Your Mothers, In Search of Profit.
How about a Big, Yooj, Tacky, Bowling Trophy, with a Fish on top, and a plaque that says, “Here’s to Uncle Milty, a Rare Fish, the Not-So-Bright Jewish Guy! The Guy Who Wasn’t as BRIGHT as Everybody Thought He Was! The Winner, at Bowling with Everybody elses BALLS!”
“Here’s to the 'Rational, Self Correcting Prudent Market Theory' that took us off the Smooth Lane, and straight into the Bowling Alley Gutter! Wow! How to “Theoretically” Bowl with other People’s Balls! You da Man, ya smutz! Maybe you should start hanging out with Bernie Madoff, he’s got theories too, ya know!”
“Thanks for the Memories, Uncle Milty! You Really Know How to Pick Those Theories! To the First Dumb Jewish Guy, in a Million Years! Who’da thought a Jewish Guy could SCREW UP, in FINANCE! Impossible! Jesus, this will RUIN the Stereotype!”
“This is Bad News, Man! We gotta find some other Jewish Guys in Finance, that actually KNOW what they’re Doing! And Quick! There’s gotta be another Jewish guy we can slot into his place! I mean let’s face it, the goy don’t know shit when it comes to Finance!”
“How about that other Wall Street dude? You know, what’s his name, the sharp shyster, that palls around with all them other slick New York dudes, you know, the guy that knows all the ins and outs!”
Yeah, that’s just what we need, some more “ins and outs”, as if we’re not Screwed enough already.
Maybe Wall Street could screw your Granny, and your Mama too. "Hey, Ma," says Wall Street, "I’m done Screwing you! Now it’s Granny’s Turn!"
Ya Wall Street Putz!
Uncle Milty, Disappearing in a Cloud of Smoke!
“So, Uncle Milty, with your Big fat cigar, stinking up the whole Party, we’re Enjoyin’ the Ripe Fruits of Your Theories Now! Yes, sir! But I CAN’T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH, they were theories, or more Technically speaking, just Big Giant, GUESSES, that fucked with peoples lives!”
(At the Wall Street Bomb Squad: “Yeah, cut that Wire, and see what happens! Ka BOOM! I GUESS it wasn’t that one! Too Bad! You got any other theories, Hot Shot? You’re in the financial Hurt Locker now! I‘ll call 911!”)
“Thanks a Bunch, Milty! We’re Gonna Miss Ya!”
And you know what’s a real bitch? Uncle Milton’s DEAD! Yeah, the guy died just before all this shit (His Shit) hit the fan! He died thinking he got it right! He didn’t get to stick around to see the Ultimate Fruits of His Labor.
He didn’t get to see all the Pain and Misery he gave to everybody because of his fucking theories. He missed the Great Global Economic Meltdown of 2008, by like TWO FUCKING years! Tawk about a Painless Death! This guy got off Easy! Probably died in bed, looking at his plaque on the wall, and thinking what a great guy he was, the PUTZ!
In my Best, New Yawkese, Brooklyn White Dialect, “We should awll be so Lucky!”
THANKS, UNCLE MILTY! YOU’RE THE BEST! LOVE YA, GUY! WE Just LOVE YA to Death!
Let us all know, from the Great Beyond, or hopefully, HELL, when you GOT ANY MORE THEORIES! Ya Freakin Weed PUTZ!
Mazeltov! And a top of the Mornin’ to Ya! You win “THE BIG PRIZE”, for being the World’s Biggest theoretical DICK!
OH, and “You’re a real Credit”, to the Field of Economics, Mr. GENIUS MARKET THEORY!
Here’s to YOU, and to ALL the other Putzes, at the Sheekago Skool of Bidness!
And a MALATOV Meltdown COCKTAIL, to you too! (Malatov Cocktail -- Russian Improvised Explosive Device. Place tie in Economic Vodka Bottle, set tie on fire, throw at Nazi soldiers or American Citizens, and watch people burn up, and Economies melt down!)
Extra! Read All About It! Get Yer Daily Blues Here! Get Yer Morning Market Meltdown Sandwich! Extra Cheesy! Get Porked, and Melted! Warm Market Sausage, Right Up Your Butt!
[Newspaper Boy on Street corner, hawking papers to the crowd.]
“Extra! Extra! Read All About It! NEW THEORY About Market! One Dollar Buys You a Bigger, Longer Dick! Just One Dollar! Get Rich Quick, in a Jiffy! Live on Easy Street, with No Money Down, at Wall Street Pawn and Loan!”
“Get Your Paper Here, Mister! Read all about the NEW THEORY that’s gonna MAKE YOU RICH! Extry! Extry! Just a nickel, for a NEW Dick! Get yer Paper Diplomas here, from the Chee Kahgo SKOOL of Bizniss!”
“Extra! New Magic Theory About Market Magic! Don’t Miss it! You Can’t Lose! Step right up, Mr. Big Shot! Get it all now, while you can!”
“Get yer Cheekago Daily Blues! Get yer copy of the Blues here! Market Meltdown Declared Impossible! Why? Cuz Markets ARE RATIONAL! AND, Markets Regoolate Themselves, like MAGIC!”
“Also, Bonus Story! Science DISCOVERS Wolves Don’t Like to Eat Sheep! Sheep Farmers Discover Sheep Are Safest, When GUARDED By Wolves!”
“Uncle Milty GUARANTEES Free Lunch FOR ALL! Says Republicans, AND Businessmen, CAN BE TRUSTED! Markets WILL Also Be PRUDENT, And RATIONAL!”
“Extry! DON’T MISS THIS YOOJ, Amazing, LANDMARK STORY! Read ALL About It!”
“Extra Bonus Story! Cops Discover Super Potent Marijuana Growing in Basement of Cheekago Bidness Scule! Cops Investigate THEORY, of How It Got There! How It got there, Nobody Knows!”
“Extry! Extra! Read All About It! Uncle Milty Sends Message from Great Beyond! Says, ‘How do you like my theories NOW, You Putzes! Boy, did I Fool You, and Myself! Who Knew! Go FIGURE! You just Thought I was smart, because I was a Jew!”
Signed,
Faint Bernard
From the here and now, the 20% Unemployment USA Present!
Thank You, Mr. Republican Theory Man!
Your Theories have never been “proven” SO WELL!
And to SO MANY!
And So WORLD WIDE!
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All Rights Reserved, including my right to Scream, “Even the Smart are never Perfect. And Stupidity? Just a little Dab, will do ya’ All Wrong!”
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now, you hear?
[Somewhere down South, in a wagon, on a back country dirt road.]
“I hear them boys at dat Sheekago Bizness School, has some Mighty Fine Weed!”
Yep, them boys is as Rational, Prudent, an Self Regoolatin’, as Flyin’ a Kite, on a Windy Chicago Day! Yas, Suh! Dem boys done Flew dat Self Correcting Kite, smack dab right into dee EchoDemonic Ground!”
“Somehow, I done gets me da feelin, dat day just don’t know Whut days doin, when it come to Inventin Classy New Theories, about the Theory of Flyin Economy! Them Boys would probably be better off keeping dare EcoDemonic feats on dee groun’, and smoking a little less irrational Pot!”
“Well said, Mister Rufus! Eyes couldn’t of postulated or Professitated, that there Convolicuted Theory, any better myself!”
“Thank you, Teapot! Yo is an Admirable Companion, a truly fine Gentleman, and a scholar of Great Rebound.”
“Your Condiment is Accepted, and might I add, that with the current State of the Market, I’ve been doin a whole lotta rebounding lately, especially on them hard concrete floors!”
“Don’t Say!”
“Yes I do! And rights about now, I could use that Other Magic Economic Theory!”
“Which ones Dat?”
“The one that say after a Crash, if you Lucky, you might just have a Soft Landing!”
“Oh, eyes remember dat one! Yas, Suh! Well, how’s it feels to you now? Is it getting any softer?”
“I’ll let you know, when dee Doctor takes off my Whole Body Cast!”
“And when will dat Be?”
“Oh, in about a Year or so!”
“Lordy!”
“Dats whut I said! But my Doctor said Health Keer takes a long, long time! Especially when you been in a Severe Economic Crash, without your Economic Seatbelt on, and No Airbags to cushion the Impact! And No Regoolators to make sure it don’t happen Again!”
“Dat a Fact!”
“Sho is lookin dat way! Yes, indeedy!”
“Well, dare is one CompenSatan factor!”
“And what’s that?”
“You sure gotta a lot of Company, for your Misery!”
“Ain’t dat a Fact! Yo sure know how to put a Positive Spin on things, Rufus!”
“Thank you, Teapot! Now, giddy up, Old Pollytishus, giddy up! We got to turn this old Congressional Wagon Around! Crack that Whip! And take offs dat big Feed Bag, on our Cungreshunal Nag here, cuz it just slowing down them long overdue Improvitatements needed by the People! No sense letting the Rich Corporations, Hog everything fo themselves!”
“No Sir! I iz in Total Agreedalmenshus on that! I iz Yoonanimus, one hundred percent!”
Signed,
Rufus T. Smudgepot
3256 Mighty White Highway
Boro of Blackville, Wrong Side of dee Tracks
Confederate Folk Pure White County
Slambonia Up Side dee Head, Mississippi
Y’all come back now! Yo in fo a BIG SURPRIZE!
We Still got a fat dumb Sheriff, waitin’ for YOU, you New York City, Yankee Jew Boy!
Don’t drive too fast now! We just might put you in dee Pokey!
Hell, we might just put you in the Pokey anyway, jist for being funny lookin‘, or lookin’ Queer, or lookin Jewish!
Try not too look or act too Jewish! Just act White and Dumb, and you might slip by!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Archway to Understanding Politics!
And I am NOT an Anti-Semenite! I am Not Against anyone’s sticky, gooey semen, as long as it isn’t in my mouth, or in any of My Tubes.
And if you’re a hot chick, and I can’t shoot my Semen at you, then You are an Anti-Semenite!
* * *
(“Yooj” - That’s New Yawkese for “Big”, as in, “you have, or you are, a Yooj DICK”.)
Question: Which one of the following, Greenspan, Friedman, Geittner, or Einstein, is the Smart Jew?
Answer: Einstein. He’s the only one whose THEORIES HAVE HELD UP, stood the Test of Time, and have PROVEN to be TRUE, and not just FUCKING THEORIES!
Unlike the Other Guys Named Above, whose theories and Actions proved to be WRONG, and ended up spewing Hot Molten Economic Lava all over the citizens of the USA, in one of the worst Recessions since the Great Depression!
KNOCK! KNOCK! HEELLLOOO! ANYBODY HOME? FINANCE THEORY NOT UP TO EINSTEIN LEVEL!
Uh-Oh! Oops! Finance Jew guys NOT AS SMART as Rocket Science Jew guys! Who knew!
Moon to Earth! Houston we have an Economic Problem! There’s No Money to fill the fucking gas tank! Jew guy fucked up! Market FAILED to behave as Expected! THEORY PROVED WRONG! Emergency! Space Shuttle just BLEW THE FUCK UP! AN UNEXPECTED MARKET EVENT!
(*University Econ Departments, and hot shot B-Schools take note! Revise entire Curriculum immediately to reflect REALITY, not just THEORIES! Mental Note: Einstein knows Universe! Right Wing EconoMists don’t know jack shit!)
Here’s the New Math…
Einstein equals Good Jew! Why? Because “E=MC Squared”! Simple!
What do Friedman, Greenspan, Geittner equal? Bad Jew! Why? Because “No Rules DO NOT EQUAL Market Squared”! Simple!
If you believed in their Logic Chain, you’d have to believe that “No Rules=No Nazis.” Now, whose gonna believe in that? The JEWS?
Trust me! “Unsupervised, unregulated Nazis, will act prudently, and regulate, and correct themselves!” The only Jews who believed that, got stuck in Europe, and died in a gas Chamber.
Updated for Wall Street… “Trust me, this is a Shower of money, not a Cash Foreclosure Gas Chamber!”
“We’re the New Zonder Commando Brothers, of Wall Street! With the Most Efficient Final Profit Solution, for the Screwish Question. Come on down! No Rules=a Big Bonanza, at least for a while!”
Come on, am I being Reasonable, or What?
Whether it’s a businessman or a Nazi, YOU can Trust them both to Behave!
I’m not making this up.
The Myth of the “Rational, Self Regulated” Smart Finance Jewish Guy.
Aaron’s Wall Street Fast Pawn and Loan! He’s Guaranteed Not To Over Borrow, and Get In Way Over His Head!
Wall Street Journal Headline: Wall Street All Tangled Up! Stepping On It’s Own DICK, AGAIN! How Many Times We Gotta Learn This Lesson? Borrowing From Peter, To Pay Back Paul, or Saul, or Sammy, or Sid?
Oh God, What’s a Mother to Do? I Did Everything I Could To Raise Him Well! How Did I Know, He’d Turn Out To Be a Fat Putz, With a Dickhead On His Shoulders?
After skimming thru “The Myth of the Rational Market” by Justin Fox, I coulda just about cried.
I’m thinking, “Holy Crap! You mean the Boys in Power spent the last 45 years ACTUALLY LISTENING to EconoMist Milton Friedman, and his fucked up theories, from the Chicago School of Business Ineptitude?”
Uncle Milty and his conservative buds basically Jammed their freaking right wing “THEORY” of a “Rational Market”, and “another neat little THEORY” of how “Markets Will Regoolate Themselves”, straight down everybody’s Throats, like some kind of Voo Doo EconoCockEnomics! Throw some Magic Powder on that Market Bubble! Poof! Now follow the Money, down the Rabbit Hole!
And everybody listened to them! The boys in power bought it hook, line, and sinker, and THEN, because of those THEORIES, the Republicans actually Deregulated Wall Street, tore down ALL the Rules, put that Sleepy Rape Drug in the Regulator’s drinks, and proceeded to Fuck Wall Street, and the Nation, with their fat engorged stinky Dicks, and THEN we all went down with the Ship, in the Economic Meltdown of 2008!
Call the Financial Rape Crisis Center, Pronto! But first collect the sticky Wall Street Ejaculate Evidence, before you take a Shower, to make yourself feel Clean Again!
Iceberg! Dead Ahead!
I Say Old Chap, That’s Really Quite Impossible!
Not to Worry! The Titanic Economy Will Steer Itself! Why? Because It’s Rational! With Lots of Self Regulated Captains at the Wheel! Toot, Toot!
Here Comes, and There Goes, the USS Titanic! Oh Shit! What Happened To Our Ship, and All the Lifeboats?
Damn! You Just Poured an Ocean of Ice Water, All Over My Nice New Self Regulated Market THEORY! Now I’m Freezing My Ass Out Here, in the Economic COLD Ass OCEAN! Blub! BLUB! GASP! HEEELLLPPP!
Mommy! I Want My “Self Regoolating, Rational Market”, Security Blanket! I Want My Blanky! Waaah! This Water Is Freezing Cold!
Where Did My House Go? Where’s My Job? What Happened to My Retirement Fund? Boo, Hoo, Hoo! The Selfish, Irrational Market Took My Blankey! It’s Not Supposed To Do That! I Was Supposed To Get Rich In a Jiffy! WAAAAHHHH!
Mommy! I Stepped On My Dick! Will You Kiss It ,and Make It Feel Better?
Yes, Dear! Oh My God, It’s All Black and Blue! You IDIOT!
How the Fuck Did You Step On Your OWN DICK? Your Supposed To Be Smarter Than THAT! I Didn’t Raise You To Be a STUPID PUTZ!
We basically tore down all the Financial Rules between the years 1975 and 2000, rules that had been painstakingly built up over all the years of trial and error, booms and busts, Depressions and recessions, with all the economic suffering they brought, rules that were put in place to PREVENT just the kind of Financial Calamity we have NOW, and we tore down all these rules because of Uncle Milty’s freakin THEORIES?
And Now we have this big freakin financial mess, as a result, because of the Single Mindedness of Uncle Milty, and the rich Republicans, who thought “Great, this will Make my Money Game a whole lot Easier! Let’s all jump on Uncle Milty’s Band Wagon!”
Milton Friedman may have gotten a Nobel Prize for his Money Supply Equation, Money=MC Hammer Pedal to the Metal, but that is just One Little Area of the Entire Economics Field, and one correct move doesn’t mean everything he tackles is true! Just as Dan Quayle ain’t no Jack Kennedy, Milton Friedman ain’t no Albert Einstein.
Somebody needs to give this guy the Alternate Prize, the “No Bell”, for getting it WRONG on the other THEORIES.
Bowling for Monsters and Balling Your Mothers, In Search of Profit.
How about a Big, Yooj, Tacky, Bowling Trophy, with a Fish on top, and a plaque that says, “Here’s to Uncle Milty, a Rare Fish, the Not-So-Bright Jewish Guy! The Guy Who Wasn’t as BRIGHT as Everybody Thought He Was! The Winner, at Bowling with Everybody elses BALLS!”
“Here’s to the 'Rational, Self Correcting Prudent Market Theory' that took us off the Smooth Lane, and straight into the Bowling Alley Gutter! Wow! How to “Theoretically” Bowl with other People’s Balls! You da Man, ya smutz! Maybe you should start hanging out with Bernie Madoff, he’s got theories too, ya know!”
“Thanks for the Memories, Uncle Milty! You Really Know How to Pick Those Theories! To the First Dumb Jewish Guy, in a Million Years! Who’da thought a Jewish Guy could SCREW UP, in FINANCE! Impossible! Jesus, this will RUIN the Stereotype!”
“This is Bad News, Man! We gotta find some other Jewish Guys in Finance, that actually KNOW what they’re Doing! And Quick! There’s gotta be another Jewish guy we can slot into his place! I mean let’s face it, the goy don’t know shit when it comes to Finance!”
“How about that other Wall Street dude? You know, what’s his name, the sharp shyster, that palls around with all them other slick New York dudes, you know, the guy that knows all the ins and outs!”
Yeah, that’s just what we need, some more “ins and outs”, as if we’re not Screwed enough already.
Maybe Wall Street could screw your Granny, and your Mama too. "Hey, Ma," says Wall Street, "I’m done Screwing you! Now it’s Granny’s Turn!"
Ya Wall Street Putz!
Uncle Milty, Disappearing in a Cloud of Smoke!
“So, Uncle Milty, with your Big fat cigar, stinking up the whole Party, we’re Enjoyin’ the Ripe Fruits of Your Theories Now! Yes, sir! But I CAN’T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH, they were theories, or more Technically speaking, just Big Giant, GUESSES, that fucked with peoples lives!”
(At the Wall Street Bomb Squad: “Yeah, cut that Wire, and see what happens! Ka BOOM! I GUESS it wasn’t that one! Too Bad! You got any other theories, Hot Shot? You’re in the financial Hurt Locker now! I‘ll call 911!”)
“Thanks a Bunch, Milty! We’re Gonna Miss Ya!”
And you know what’s a real bitch? Uncle Milton’s DEAD! Yeah, the guy died just before all this shit (His Shit) hit the fan! He died thinking he got it right! He didn’t get to stick around to see the Ultimate Fruits of His Labor.
He didn’t get to see all the Pain and Misery he gave to everybody because of his fucking theories. He missed the Great Global Economic Meltdown of 2008, by like TWO FUCKING years! Tawk about a Painless Death! This guy got off Easy! Probably died in bed, looking at his plaque on the wall, and thinking what a great guy he was, the PUTZ!
In my Best, New Yawkese, Brooklyn White Dialect, “We should awll be so Lucky!”
THANKS, UNCLE MILTY! YOU’RE THE BEST! LOVE YA, GUY! WE Just LOVE YA to Death!
Let us all know, from the Great Beyond, or hopefully, HELL, when you GOT ANY MORE THEORIES! Ya Freakin Weed PUTZ!
Mazeltov! And a top of the Mornin’ to Ya! You win “THE BIG PRIZE”, for being the World’s Biggest theoretical DICK!
OH, and “You’re a real Credit”, to the Field of Economics, Mr. GENIUS MARKET THEORY!
Here’s to YOU, and to ALL the other Putzes, at the Sheekago Skool of Bidness!
And a MALATOV Meltdown COCKTAIL, to you too! (Malatov Cocktail -- Russian Improvised Explosive Device. Place tie in Economic Vodka Bottle, set tie on fire, throw at Nazi soldiers or American Citizens, and watch people burn up, and Economies melt down!)
Extra! Read All About It! Get Yer Daily Blues Here! Get Yer Morning Market Meltdown Sandwich! Extra Cheesy! Get Porked, and Melted! Warm Market Sausage, Right Up Your Butt!
[Newspaper Boy on Street corner, hawking papers to the crowd.]
“Extra! Extra! Read All About It! NEW THEORY About Market! One Dollar Buys You a Bigger, Longer Dick! Just One Dollar! Get Rich Quick, in a Jiffy! Live on Easy Street, with No Money Down, at Wall Street Pawn and Loan!”
“Get Your Paper Here, Mister! Read all about the NEW THEORY that’s gonna MAKE YOU RICH! Extry! Extry! Just a nickel, for a NEW Dick! Get yer Paper Diplomas here, from the Chee Kahgo SKOOL of Bizniss!”
“Extra! New Magic Theory About Market Magic! Don’t Miss it! You Can’t Lose! Step right up, Mr. Big Shot! Get it all now, while you can!”
“Get yer Cheekago Daily Blues! Get yer copy of the Blues here! Market Meltdown Declared Impossible! Why? Cuz Markets ARE RATIONAL! AND, Markets Regoolate Themselves, like MAGIC!”
“Also, Bonus Story! Science DISCOVERS Wolves Don’t Like to Eat Sheep! Sheep Farmers Discover Sheep Are Safest, When GUARDED By Wolves!”
“Uncle Milty GUARANTEES Free Lunch FOR ALL! Says Republicans, AND Businessmen, CAN BE TRUSTED! Markets WILL Also Be PRUDENT, And RATIONAL!”
“Extry! DON’T MISS THIS YOOJ, Amazing, LANDMARK STORY! Read ALL About It!”
“Extra Bonus Story! Cops Discover Super Potent Marijuana Growing in Basement of Cheekago Bidness Scule! Cops Investigate THEORY, of How It Got There! How It got there, Nobody Knows!”
“Extry! Extra! Read All About It! Uncle Milty Sends Message from Great Beyond! Says, ‘How do you like my theories NOW, You Putzes! Boy, did I Fool You, and Myself! Who Knew! Go FIGURE! You just Thought I was smart, because I was a Jew!”
Signed,
Faint Bernard
From the here and now, the 20% Unemployment USA Present!
Thank You, Mr. Republican Theory Man!
Your Theories have never been “proven” SO WELL!
And to SO MANY!
And So WORLD WIDE!
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All Rights Reserved, including my right to Scream, “Even the Smart are never Perfect. And Stupidity? Just a little Dab, will do ya’ All Wrong!”
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now, you hear?
[Somewhere down South, in a wagon, on a back country dirt road.]
“I hear them boys at dat Sheekago Bizness School, has some Mighty Fine Weed!”
Yep, them boys is as Rational, Prudent, an Self Regoolatin’, as Flyin’ a Kite, on a Windy Chicago Day! Yas, Suh! Dem boys done Flew dat Self Correcting Kite, smack dab right into dee EchoDemonic Ground!”
“Somehow, I done gets me da feelin, dat day just don’t know Whut days doin, when it come to Inventin Classy New Theories, about the Theory of Flyin Economy! Them Boys would probably be better off keeping dare EcoDemonic feats on dee groun’, and smoking a little less irrational Pot!”
“Well said, Mister Rufus! Eyes couldn’t of postulated or Professitated, that there Convolicuted Theory, any better myself!”
“Thank you, Teapot! Yo is an Admirable Companion, a truly fine Gentleman, and a scholar of Great Rebound.”
“Your Condiment is Accepted, and might I add, that with the current State of the Market, I’ve been doin a whole lotta rebounding lately, especially on them hard concrete floors!”
“Don’t Say!”
“Yes I do! And rights about now, I could use that Other Magic Economic Theory!”
“Which ones Dat?”
“The one that say after a Crash, if you Lucky, you might just have a Soft Landing!”
“Oh, eyes remember dat one! Yas, Suh! Well, how’s it feels to you now? Is it getting any softer?”
“I’ll let you know, when dee Doctor takes off my Whole Body Cast!”
“And when will dat Be?”
“Oh, in about a Year or so!”
“Lordy!”
“Dats whut I said! But my Doctor said Health Keer takes a long, long time! Especially when you been in a Severe Economic Crash, without your Economic Seatbelt on, and No Airbags to cushion the Impact! And No Regoolators to make sure it don’t happen Again!”
“Dat a Fact!”
“Sho is lookin dat way! Yes, indeedy!”
“Well, dare is one CompenSatan factor!”
“And what’s that?”
“You sure gotta a lot of Company, for your Misery!”
“Ain’t dat a Fact! Yo sure know how to put a Positive Spin on things, Rufus!”
“Thank you, Teapot! Now, giddy up, Old Pollytishus, giddy up! We got to turn this old Congressional Wagon Around! Crack that Whip! And take offs dat big Feed Bag, on our Cungreshunal Nag here, cuz it just slowing down them long overdue Improvitatements needed by the People! No sense letting the Rich Corporations, Hog everything fo themselves!”
“No Sir! I iz in Total Agreedalmenshus on that! I iz Yoonanimus, one hundred percent!”
Signed,
Rufus T. Smudgepot
3256 Mighty White Highway
Boro of Blackville, Wrong Side of dee Tracks
Confederate Folk Pure White County
Slambonia Up Side dee Head, Mississippi
Y’all come back now! Yo in fo a BIG SURPRIZE!
We Still got a fat dumb Sheriff, waitin’ for YOU, you New York City, Yankee Jew Boy!
Don’t drive too fast now! We just might put you in dee Pokey!
Hell, we might just put you in the Pokey anyway, jist for being funny lookin‘, or lookin’ Queer, or lookin Jewish!
Try not too look or act too Jewish! Just act White and Dumb, and you might slip by!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Archway to Understanding Politics!
And I am NOT an Anti-Semenite! I am Not Against anyone’s sticky, gooey semen, as long as it isn’t in my mouth, or in any of My Tubes.
And if you’re a hot chick, and I can’t shoot my Semen at you, then You are an Anti-Semenite!
* * *
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Israel To U.S.: "I've Got One Hand On Your Dick, the Other On Your Last Remaining Ball, Which One Do You Want Me To Twist, and Squeeze First?
Gettin’ Uppity, and Puttin’ On Airs, In the Hot Town of Tel Aviv, Tonight! Are Them Jew Boys "High Yellow", or "Octoroon"? No, They Is Mighty Whitey! That’s the News, From Now On, For You!
You’ve heard of the Uppity Nigger? Well, Now We Got the Uppity Jew. What’s a U.S. Secretary of State, or Vice President, To Do?
“Alpha Dog” Israel To American Puppy Dog: “Sniff My Ass, Eat My Shit! Rub It On Your Nose, and Smear It On Your Pants! My, What a Nice, Shit Faced Little Clown Dog You Are!”
“Now, Fork Over the 30 Billion in U.S. Taxpayer Aid You Promised Us, Ya Fucking Wuss! Ya See, I’m Just Like a Big Bank on Wall Street, I’m Too Big to Fail!”
“It’s He-Brew Scudwiser Beer Time! Time To 'Bail Out' Another ‘Over Leveraged’ (that's 'Over Borrowed') Jewish Guy, Again!” Does Anybody See a Pattern Here? Naaaw! No Way! Them Jew Boys Is Too Smart to get too far out on a limb!
I Am NOT an Anti-Semenite! I’m NOT Against Anyone’s Semen, or DNA, No Matter How Much They Exhibit “Defective Nutty Acting”, In Their “Dynamic Noggin Attic”, or In Their “Daily Nutritional Attitude”, or In Their “Daily Natural Aptitude”!
America to Israel: “Yes, Shlomo, Dear! Please Don’t Pussy Whip Me Again! I’ll Be Your Good Little Bitch! I Won’t Bring It Up Again! Mum’s the Word! Here’s the 30 Billion, Now Go Buy a Condo Settlement!”
“I’ll Even Let You Do Me Again, Anytime You Want, in “Shlomo” Slow Motion! Hump Me, You Big Hunky Hairy Heeb, Like the Good Little U.S. Lap Dog I Am!”
“My, What a BIG Jew Atomic Penis You Have! Your Nutty Flavored Semen Just EXPLODES Inside My Entertainment Walls!”
(Text from Bernard, “Ya Gotta Admit, the Boy still has the Touch, or is that Touched? Touch me Baby! Give me your Hand, and show me the Way! Oh yeah, I‘m Explodin‘ Now! Hmm, what a Nice Nutty Flavor!” )
How Did That Sneak in There? Oh, Yeah! Sneak It in, in Between My Wailing Walls! Bang My Box, with that Little Symbolic Box on Top of Your Head! Do Me Baby! Now Rock, Back and Forth! Show me you REALLY Mean it! And Start Mumbling Crazy Stuff!
Now Grind it, Right In! Bang It, You Little Bitch, Like Your Life Depended On It!
I SAID, “GGRRIINNDD IITT HHAARRDDEERR!” That’s NOT HARD Enough! BANG IT, You Little Prick, as HARD AS YOU CAN! Bam! BAM! BAAMM!
BANG ME! WITH YOUR LITTLE Molecular Atomic DICK!
Oh, GOD…
(Sound of very rapid Banging and Squeaking Bed.)
I’M…
(Bang-squeak-Bang-squeak-Bang!)
AT…
(Bam-squeak-Bam-Squeak-BAM!)
GER, GER-ROUNDDDDD…
(BAM-BAM-BAM, BAAMMM!)
ZE, ZE, ZERO! UUUNNNGGGHHH! UUUNNNGGG! AAAHHHHGGG!
BBLORRPPP, SPLOOSH, squeak! BLORP, SPLAP, squeak! BLURP, Flazz, squeak!
dribble.
Squeak.
(Sound of a little dog, panting very rapidly!)
Oh, WOW, Baby! That was GREAT! GOOD DOGGY!
God, I LOVE YOU! Especially Your Billions in Bullion! Money is Such an Aphrodisiac! You’re Such a Good U.S. Sugar Daddy! We Really do Love Each Other, Don’t We?
Ya know, I think We Have the Basis Here, for a Real Long Term Relationship, Don’t You?
We just gotta get a few things settled first, ya know, a few ground rules for a relationship!
Oh, yeah! "The Heeb and the Shiksa", this is gonna work out great!
Who should we get to play in the movie?
I don’t know, we might have trouble there, but then, maybe not! We'll just change a few names! Easy as pie!
* * *
I Text Myself, Whenever I Want!
This is my first Official release, in my “New Delayed Reaction Series”. Since I’m not getting paid the Big Bucks by the New Muck Yuck Times to write this Blogshit, I figure I might as well release my “Gospel Messages” whenever the fuck I want. No deadlines, AND I’m my own Boss! Hey, “Cave Bin” Laden does it with his Cave Releases, so why can’t I?
And since I’m The Boss of Me, whenever I want to feel good, I just order an Imaginary Employee to come in and suck up to me, and in my Wildest and Best Fantasies, the secretary willingly, and with full consent, and no sexual whorasstiments intended, SUCKS ME! Now that’s a Good Day at the Office! (whorasstiment - that’s my new word. As a “writer”, I can do that.)
So, how do you like this “settlement” piece, about Israel as the New Alpha Dog, giving America Puppy Training? Hmmm?
I call it, “Thoughts on the Ground”. Or, the “New Jewish Realty Service”. That’s NOT a typing ERROR! Reality versus REALTY. “Sidney, have I got a Condo for You! Location! Location! Location!”
“And it even has a nice River view! Look Sidney, East, or West Bank, what’s the difference! Does it matter if it’s in a kind of a ‘Bad Arab’ neighborhood? Oh, just the usual New York stuff, barbed wire, flood lights, Walls, guns.”
“Anyway, Blog Boy, when I decide to publish is My Timetable! And my Blog of Condiment Settlement Sentiments, is My Own Intellectual Capital!”, and I ain’t Sharing it with NOBODY, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WITH A DIFFERENT STINK ASS Religion than MINE! Go Pray somewhere else, you Wrong Religion Person YOU!
“Go Land” on some other “Heights”, and get your “Gassy Ass Stripped” somewhere else, because you’re just an Occupation LOSER!
Bottom Rail On Top This Time, Shoe On the Other Foot! Dancin’ By the Light of the Moon!
Israel to World: “Ain’t nobody pushing the JEW around NO MO! We were almost wiped out during World War II, but if you try it again, you got another think coming, ya Motherfucker! We didn’t work our way up from Blue Jeans to Boy Bands, to Atom Bombs for Nothing!”
“If YOU and your Taxi Cab Driving Brooklyn cousins, Al Kyda, or Al Kabob, or your gay fag cousin, Swish Kabob, try and take us Jews down again, we’re gonna take You, AND the Whole Fucking World, down with Us! Got it, Mohammed Rag Head Sand Nigger Boy?”
“It’s MUTUAL ASSURED DESTRUCTION TIME, all over again! M.A.D.! And I mean INSANE! If WE Go DOWN, You’re Going Down With Us!”
“No more of this “No more Jews! Just Arabs left over!” No way Ahkmed! There won‘t be any Jews, or Arabs, left in the Middle East! That’s the Deal, see!”
“The Whole Tank Farm’s gonna BLOW, see, if you keep trying to make us go! Got it, El Kabob? Its El Kabong for all of us, this time! We’re ALL Dirty Rats, this time, with No Place to Jump Ship! You got my Drift, Buster?
Ka-Boom! Hey Ma! Look! I’m on Top of the World! I’m on FIRE, and I’m takin’ the Whole World With Me! I Love Ya, MA! You’re the BEST Mom, a Boy could EVER have! I LOVE YA! We’ll all talk to Mohammed, and Jesus, and God, and Allah, and Yahweh, when we get there! KA-BOOOMMM!”
FLA-BAAAAMMM! GA-BOOOOMMM! WHA-BAM BOOM, GAH DOOOMMM!
WAAAWWWHHHOOOSSSHHH!
So ya see, Mister A-Rab Persian Boy, things ain’t gonna be so “SUNNI” any more, on your side of the Muslim Street! In fact, they’re gonna get a lot more “Shiite”! So you got your choice, it’s gonna be either Sunny, or Shitty, but not both, ya can’t have Both!
You choose, and what you decide will determine whether or not you’re gonna be around to pray five times a day! If you pick wrong, you’re gonna be Radioactive History! Dust in the Wind! Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust, just a whole lot Quicker, Pal! No time for lollygagging, or smelling the roses!
There’s No More Pushing the Jew around! NO MORE! If I go, YOU GO TOO!
That’s the new word on the Street.
You wanna find out how much “street cred” there is to that, well, go ahead, and you be the first to push “The BUTTON”. I’ll be 6,000 comfy miles away! You my friend, will be at the New “GROUND ZERO”. I hope you got a really good Radiation Suit. But hey, why not push the Big Button, you’ll just get to see Allah, sooner. You tell him you tried everything, except Peace. Okay? That’s what YOU TELL ALLAH, when you meet him.
Tell Allah YOU TRIED EVERYTHING, EXCEPT PEACE. I’m sure he’ll be glad to hear that!
GOT IT, Mr. Suckdeekee, Mr. Super Holy Muslim Man?
Besides, a radioactive Middle East will be good for Tourism! “There’s nothing like a Radioactive Spring Time, in the Middle East! I hear the Weather is just Lovely, this time of Year! AND NO CROWDS! NO PEOPLE! NO TROUBLE BOOKING a ROOM! NOT A SOUL LEFT to bother ya! Barren, lifeless, empty, the perfect place to relax and get away from the rat race!”
Allah will be So Pleased! You tried So Hard to get along, but there was nothing left to do but BLOW UP THE FUCKING WORLD!
ALLAH WILL LOVE THAT, and GIVE YOU A MEDAL, and a New Prayer Rug, for BEING THE BEST MUSLIM, in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! (Sound of Applause and cheers, Happy Clapping, AK-47s firing in the Street! Walla, walla, walla!)
Happy Mother: “He was the Best Suicide Bomber, a Mother could ever Wish For! Allah surely Loves him, now! He was a credit to his Religion, and his Race!”
But, but, but…
The Infidel White Man MADE me do it! I HAD NO CHOICE, I HAD TO! I HAD TO BLOW UP THE WORLD, TO PROVE I LOVED IT! I HAD TO DESTROY THE WORLD, TO SAVE IT! It all makes Sense, with Precise Geometrical Logic! It’s all right there, on the pages of the Holiest of Holy Books! It’s what Allah, God, or Yahweh, would have Wanted!
DESTROY HIS WORLD, DESTROY HIS CREATION, TO PROVE YOU LOVE HIM!
IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE! PRAISE ALLAH! PRAISE GOD! AND YAHWEH, TOO!
A New World Order? Who, Is On the Bottom of the Shoe, This Time?
What will the world be like, with no more Jews, or Arabs, in the Middle East? A Full blown Ethnic Cleansing! Imagine that! There won’t be Anybody left to Pray, and be SO HOLY!
The place is starting to sound a whole lot better already!
You see, Arabs and Jews are just like Men and Women. Ya can’t live with ‘em, and ya can’t live without ‘em! And they Still keep Fucking Each Other! Go figure!
Signed,
Faint “Mandelbaumowitzinsteenberg O’Donnell Hoodi Booty” Bernard
The Only Real Religious Saint left, after both the Jewish Atomic Penis, and the Arab
Atomic Penis, EJACULATED ALL OVER, the Whole Fucking God forsaken Middle East!
Bernard, THE Official Member of the ONLY Correct Religion, on the Face of the Planet!
Nana, Nana, Na Na! My Religion is Better than Yours!
My Atomic Penis is Bigger than your Atomic Penis!
My Dick is Bigger than Your Dick! In fact, you don’t have a Dick! Because I Blew it off, with my ATOMIC PENIS!
You dickless dickwad!
* * *
Telegram, or text message, from God to Israel: “What the Fuck? God is waiting! I have a Big Party ready for the whole Mid East Gang! Lotsa food! Free Radioactive Religious Cleansing when you arrive! Can’t wait to see you! Drive carefully!”
“Remember to bring ALL your Holy Books, and I will correct all the mistakes, with my yellow highlighter!
Signed,
Your Big Buddy,
GOD, ALLAH, and YAHWEH!
Also known as, “THE HOLY CARTEL”!
HOLY OPEC, BATMAN! It’s the “Organization of Prophet Exporting Countries”!
P.S. Allah says, “See you soon!”
“Don’t worry, I have barrels of Atomic Burn Crème,
when you get here!”
“I’m SO PROUD of you guys!”
* * *
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved.
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Have you tried the Radioactive Potato Salad? It’s very Zesty!
The CLOCK is TICKING! And it’s going BACKWARDS!
De-Evolving back to the BIG BANG!
Think about that, Aaron, and Moustafa.
Christian Freak in Colorado: “Now wait a minute! There ain’t no Evolution, and that’s Proven Biblical FACT, AND, there never was, and never will be, a BIG BANG!”
“That’s What I BELIEVE, so it Must BE TRUE!”
“And I’m willing to Fight to the Death, to prove my Love for Mankind, and to force you to believe, what I believe, even if I have to kill you, to show how much I LOVE YOU!”
“There ain’t no room for COMPROMISE, PAL! THIS IS THE END TIMES! WE’RE ALL GONNA GO OUT, IN A BLAZE OF HOLY GLORY!”
“YEE-HA! JIHAD! RIDE ‘EM, COWBOY! RIDE ‘EM, JEW BOY!”
“SO LONG, LITTLE DOGGIES!”
“HOME SWEET HOME, ON THE ATOMIC TESTING RANGE!”
Ka-BOOM!
(Lotsa Big Mushroom Clouds! All Fluffy and Puffy!)
Lights out, John Boy!
Lights Out, Pa!
Good Night, Mahkmood!
With 72 Virgins waiting for ya, you won’t miss a thing! Trust me! Just you, and an ETERNITY, humpin’ A PUSSY!
Pooky Waits in Heaven, To Feel Your Big Atomic Penis!
“Yes, Dear! I’m COMING! I’ll be right there!”
“Was that any BETTER, Dear? Did I do it just right, this time? NO? Harder? Faster? Slower? A circular Motion? Whuh? Okay, okay, I’ll try, try again!”
If you don’t succeed the first time…
You might have an Eternity to try, try again!
That’s a Good Thing, right?
“I hear you, Dear! I’m coming!”
“I said, I’ll be right UP, and I promise I’ll get it Up!”
“Oh, FUCK! (Shake-shake) The bottle’s EMPTY!
Jesus Christ! I gotta Fuck Her, AGAIN!? This chick is NUTS!
“There is No Way I can do it Again! Both my heads are just not into it!
“Daddy Boo, where are you, Poopsie Woopsie?”
“I gotta fuckin Hide!”
“Poopsie! I said, RIGHT NOW, or Mama’s gonna get Mad! I’m Waiting!”
“Oh god! NOOOOO! NOT AGAINN! AAAAAAHHHHHHIIIEEEE!
“Where’s the Backpack, with the BOMB IN IT? I GOTTA STRAP IT ON!”
“Oh, Good! Plenty of Dynamite!”
“Where’s the Fucking Detonator?”
“GIMME THE FUCKING DETONATOR!”
“The Button! PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON!”
“OH GOD! THE BATTERY IS Dead!”
“Shmooky! Oh, Shmooky! Where are you! Poopsie Woopsie is getting HOT and HORNY!”
“SHMOOKY, I NEED IT NOW!”
“Shmooky, what’s the matter? You’re not looking so Good! Here, let me help! I think I know what you need! A little Pussy will make you feel a lot better!”
“Shmooky! You look like you’re having a Heart Attack! What’s the matter, baby? Don’t you wanna play Snuggle Wuggle, any more? You look about as happy as a Suicide Bomber!”
“I know, I’ll pretend I’m a Virgin! You always like that! Which one do you want me to be? You have a choice of 72!”
CLUNK! CRASH!
“Shmooky? Wake up! You’re starting to scare me! Breath, Shmooky! Not wanting to Fuck somebody isn’t NORMAL!”
* * *
You’ve heard of the Uppity Nigger? Well, Now We Got the Uppity Jew. What’s a U.S. Secretary of State, or Vice President, To Do?
“Alpha Dog” Israel To American Puppy Dog: “Sniff My Ass, Eat My Shit! Rub It On Your Nose, and Smear It On Your Pants! My, What a Nice, Shit Faced Little Clown Dog You Are!”
“Now, Fork Over the 30 Billion in U.S. Taxpayer Aid You Promised Us, Ya Fucking Wuss! Ya See, I’m Just Like a Big Bank on Wall Street, I’m Too Big to Fail!”
“It’s He-Brew Scudwiser Beer Time! Time To 'Bail Out' Another ‘Over Leveraged’ (that's 'Over Borrowed') Jewish Guy, Again!” Does Anybody See a Pattern Here? Naaaw! No Way! Them Jew Boys Is Too Smart to get too far out on a limb!
I Am NOT an Anti-Semenite! I’m NOT Against Anyone’s Semen, or DNA, No Matter How Much They Exhibit “Defective Nutty Acting”, In Their “Dynamic Noggin Attic”, or In Their “Daily Nutritional Attitude”, or In Their “Daily Natural Aptitude”!
America to Israel: “Yes, Shlomo, Dear! Please Don’t Pussy Whip Me Again! I’ll Be Your Good Little Bitch! I Won’t Bring It Up Again! Mum’s the Word! Here’s the 30 Billion, Now Go Buy a Condo Settlement!”
“I’ll Even Let You Do Me Again, Anytime You Want, in “Shlomo” Slow Motion! Hump Me, You Big Hunky Hairy Heeb, Like the Good Little U.S. Lap Dog I Am!”
“My, What a BIG Jew Atomic Penis You Have! Your Nutty Flavored Semen Just EXPLODES Inside My Entertainment Walls!”
(Text from Bernard, “Ya Gotta Admit, the Boy still has the Touch, or is that Touched? Touch me Baby! Give me your Hand, and show me the Way! Oh yeah, I‘m Explodin‘ Now! Hmm, what a Nice Nutty Flavor!” )
How Did That Sneak in There? Oh, Yeah! Sneak It in, in Between My Wailing Walls! Bang My Box, with that Little Symbolic Box on Top of Your Head! Do Me Baby! Now Rock, Back and Forth! Show me you REALLY Mean it! And Start Mumbling Crazy Stuff!
Now Grind it, Right In! Bang It, You Little Bitch, Like Your Life Depended On It!
I SAID, “GGRRIINNDD IITT HHAARRDDEERR!” That’s NOT HARD Enough! BANG IT, You Little Prick, as HARD AS YOU CAN! Bam! BAM! BAAMM!
BANG ME! WITH YOUR LITTLE Molecular Atomic DICK!
Oh, GOD…
(Sound of very rapid Banging and Squeaking Bed.)
I’M…
(Bang-squeak-Bang-squeak-Bang!)
AT…
(Bam-squeak-Bam-Squeak-BAM!)
GER, GER-ROUNDDDDD…
(BAM-BAM-BAM, BAAMMM!)
ZE, ZE, ZERO! UUUNNNGGGHHH! UUUNNNGGG! AAAHHHHGGG!
BBLORRPPP, SPLOOSH, squeak! BLORP, SPLAP, squeak! BLURP, Flazz, squeak!
dribble.
Squeak.
(Sound of a little dog, panting very rapidly!)
Oh, WOW, Baby! That was GREAT! GOOD DOGGY!
God, I LOVE YOU! Especially Your Billions in Bullion! Money is Such an Aphrodisiac! You’re Such a Good U.S. Sugar Daddy! We Really do Love Each Other, Don’t We?
Ya know, I think We Have the Basis Here, for a Real Long Term Relationship, Don’t You?
We just gotta get a few things settled first, ya know, a few ground rules for a relationship!
Oh, yeah! "The Heeb and the Shiksa", this is gonna work out great!
Who should we get to play in the movie?
I don’t know, we might have trouble there, but then, maybe not! We'll just change a few names! Easy as pie!
* * *
I Text Myself, Whenever I Want!
This is my first Official release, in my “New Delayed Reaction Series”. Since I’m not getting paid the Big Bucks by the New Muck Yuck Times to write this Blogshit, I figure I might as well release my “Gospel Messages” whenever the fuck I want. No deadlines, AND I’m my own Boss! Hey, “Cave Bin” Laden does it with his Cave Releases, so why can’t I?
And since I’m The Boss of Me, whenever I want to feel good, I just order an Imaginary Employee to come in and suck up to me, and in my Wildest and Best Fantasies, the secretary willingly, and with full consent, and no sexual whorasstiments intended, SUCKS ME! Now that’s a Good Day at the Office! (whorasstiment - that’s my new word. As a “writer”, I can do that.)
So, how do you like this “settlement” piece, about Israel as the New Alpha Dog, giving America Puppy Training? Hmmm?
I call it, “Thoughts on the Ground”. Or, the “New Jewish Realty Service”. That’s NOT a typing ERROR! Reality versus REALTY. “Sidney, have I got a Condo for You! Location! Location! Location!”
“And it even has a nice River view! Look Sidney, East, or West Bank, what’s the difference! Does it matter if it’s in a kind of a ‘Bad Arab’ neighborhood? Oh, just the usual New York stuff, barbed wire, flood lights, Walls, guns.”
“Anyway, Blog Boy, when I decide to publish is My Timetable! And my Blog of Condiment Settlement Sentiments, is My Own Intellectual Capital!”, and I ain’t Sharing it with NOBODY, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WITH A DIFFERENT STINK ASS Religion than MINE! Go Pray somewhere else, you Wrong Religion Person YOU!
“Go Land” on some other “Heights”, and get your “Gassy Ass Stripped” somewhere else, because you’re just an Occupation LOSER!
Bottom Rail On Top This Time, Shoe On the Other Foot! Dancin’ By the Light of the Moon!
Israel to World: “Ain’t nobody pushing the JEW around NO MO! We were almost wiped out during World War II, but if you try it again, you got another think coming, ya Motherfucker! We didn’t work our way up from Blue Jeans to Boy Bands, to Atom Bombs for Nothing!”
“If YOU and your Taxi Cab Driving Brooklyn cousins, Al Kyda, or Al Kabob, or your gay fag cousin, Swish Kabob, try and take us Jews down again, we’re gonna take You, AND the Whole Fucking World, down with Us! Got it, Mohammed Rag Head Sand Nigger Boy?”
“It’s MUTUAL ASSURED DESTRUCTION TIME, all over again! M.A.D.! And I mean INSANE! If WE Go DOWN, You’re Going Down With Us!”
“No more of this “No more Jews! Just Arabs left over!” No way Ahkmed! There won‘t be any Jews, or Arabs, left in the Middle East! That’s the Deal, see!”
“The Whole Tank Farm’s gonna BLOW, see, if you keep trying to make us go! Got it, El Kabob? Its El Kabong for all of us, this time! We’re ALL Dirty Rats, this time, with No Place to Jump Ship! You got my Drift, Buster?
Ka-Boom! Hey Ma! Look! I’m on Top of the World! I’m on FIRE, and I’m takin’ the Whole World With Me! I Love Ya, MA! You’re the BEST Mom, a Boy could EVER have! I LOVE YA! We’ll all talk to Mohammed, and Jesus, and God, and Allah, and Yahweh, when we get there! KA-BOOOMMM!”
FLA-BAAAAMMM! GA-BOOOOMMM! WHA-BAM BOOM, GAH DOOOMMM!
WAAAWWWHHHOOOSSSHHH!
So ya see, Mister A-Rab Persian Boy, things ain’t gonna be so “SUNNI” any more, on your side of the Muslim Street! In fact, they’re gonna get a lot more “Shiite”! So you got your choice, it’s gonna be either Sunny, or Shitty, but not both, ya can’t have Both!
You choose, and what you decide will determine whether or not you’re gonna be around to pray five times a day! If you pick wrong, you’re gonna be Radioactive History! Dust in the Wind! Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust, just a whole lot Quicker, Pal! No time for lollygagging, or smelling the roses!
There’s No More Pushing the Jew around! NO MORE! If I go, YOU GO TOO!
That’s the new word on the Street.
You wanna find out how much “street cred” there is to that, well, go ahead, and you be the first to push “The BUTTON”. I’ll be 6,000 comfy miles away! You my friend, will be at the New “GROUND ZERO”. I hope you got a really good Radiation Suit. But hey, why not push the Big Button, you’ll just get to see Allah, sooner. You tell him you tried everything, except Peace. Okay? That’s what YOU TELL ALLAH, when you meet him.
Tell Allah YOU TRIED EVERYTHING, EXCEPT PEACE. I’m sure he’ll be glad to hear that!
GOT IT, Mr. Suckdeekee, Mr. Super Holy Muslim Man?
Besides, a radioactive Middle East will be good for Tourism! “There’s nothing like a Radioactive Spring Time, in the Middle East! I hear the Weather is just Lovely, this time of Year! AND NO CROWDS! NO PEOPLE! NO TROUBLE BOOKING a ROOM! NOT A SOUL LEFT to bother ya! Barren, lifeless, empty, the perfect place to relax and get away from the rat race!”
Allah will be So Pleased! You tried So Hard to get along, but there was nothing left to do but BLOW UP THE FUCKING WORLD!
ALLAH WILL LOVE THAT, and GIVE YOU A MEDAL, and a New Prayer Rug, for BEING THE BEST MUSLIM, in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! (Sound of Applause and cheers, Happy Clapping, AK-47s firing in the Street! Walla, walla, walla!)
Happy Mother: “He was the Best Suicide Bomber, a Mother could ever Wish For! Allah surely Loves him, now! He was a credit to his Religion, and his Race!”
But, but, but…
The Infidel White Man MADE me do it! I HAD NO CHOICE, I HAD TO! I HAD TO BLOW UP THE WORLD, TO PROVE I LOVED IT! I HAD TO DESTROY THE WORLD, TO SAVE IT! It all makes Sense, with Precise Geometrical Logic! It’s all right there, on the pages of the Holiest of Holy Books! It’s what Allah, God, or Yahweh, would have Wanted!
DESTROY HIS WORLD, DESTROY HIS CREATION, TO PROVE YOU LOVE HIM!
IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE! PRAISE ALLAH! PRAISE GOD! AND YAHWEH, TOO!
A New World Order? Who, Is On the Bottom of the Shoe, This Time?
What will the world be like, with no more Jews, or Arabs, in the Middle East? A Full blown Ethnic Cleansing! Imagine that! There won’t be Anybody left to Pray, and be SO HOLY!
The place is starting to sound a whole lot better already!
You see, Arabs and Jews are just like Men and Women. Ya can’t live with ‘em, and ya can’t live without ‘em! And they Still keep Fucking Each Other! Go figure!
Signed,
Faint “Mandelbaumowitzinsteenberg O’Donnell Hoodi Booty” Bernard
The Only Real Religious Saint left, after both the Jewish Atomic Penis, and the Arab
Atomic Penis, EJACULATED ALL OVER, the Whole Fucking God forsaken Middle East!
Bernard, THE Official Member of the ONLY Correct Religion, on the Face of the Planet!
Nana, Nana, Na Na! My Religion is Better than Yours!
My Atomic Penis is Bigger than your Atomic Penis!
My Dick is Bigger than Your Dick! In fact, you don’t have a Dick! Because I Blew it off, with my ATOMIC PENIS!
You dickless dickwad!
* * *
Telegram, or text message, from God to Israel: “What the Fuck? God is waiting! I have a Big Party ready for the whole Mid East Gang! Lotsa food! Free Radioactive Religious Cleansing when you arrive! Can’t wait to see you! Drive carefully!”
“Remember to bring ALL your Holy Books, and I will correct all the mistakes, with my yellow highlighter!
Signed,
Your Big Buddy,
GOD, ALLAH, and YAHWEH!
Also known as, “THE HOLY CARTEL”!
HOLY OPEC, BATMAN! It’s the “Organization of Prophet Exporting Countries”!
P.S. Allah says, “See you soon!”
“Don’t worry, I have barrels of Atomic Burn Crème,
when you get here!”
“I’m SO PROUD of you guys!”
* * *
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved.
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Have you tried the Radioactive Potato Salad? It’s very Zesty!
The CLOCK is TICKING! And it’s going BACKWARDS!
De-Evolving back to the BIG BANG!
Think about that, Aaron, and Moustafa.
Christian Freak in Colorado: “Now wait a minute! There ain’t no Evolution, and that’s Proven Biblical FACT, AND, there never was, and never will be, a BIG BANG!”
“That’s What I BELIEVE, so it Must BE TRUE!”
“And I’m willing to Fight to the Death, to prove my Love for Mankind, and to force you to believe, what I believe, even if I have to kill you, to show how much I LOVE YOU!”
“There ain’t no room for COMPROMISE, PAL! THIS IS THE END TIMES! WE’RE ALL GONNA GO OUT, IN A BLAZE OF HOLY GLORY!”
“YEE-HA! JIHAD! RIDE ‘EM, COWBOY! RIDE ‘EM, JEW BOY!”
“SO LONG, LITTLE DOGGIES!”
“HOME SWEET HOME, ON THE ATOMIC TESTING RANGE!”
Ka-BOOM!
(Lotsa Big Mushroom Clouds! All Fluffy and Puffy!)
Lights out, John Boy!
Lights Out, Pa!
Good Night, Mahkmood!
With 72 Virgins waiting for ya, you won’t miss a thing! Trust me! Just you, and an ETERNITY, humpin’ A PUSSY!
Pooky Waits in Heaven, To Feel Your Big Atomic Penis!
“Yes, Dear! I’m COMING! I’ll be right there!”
“Was that any BETTER, Dear? Did I do it just right, this time? NO? Harder? Faster? Slower? A circular Motion? Whuh? Okay, okay, I’ll try, try again!”
If you don’t succeed the first time…
You might have an Eternity to try, try again!
That’s a Good Thing, right?
“I hear you, Dear! I’m coming!”
“I said, I’ll be right UP, and I promise I’ll get it Up!”
“Oh, FUCK! (Shake-shake) The bottle’s EMPTY!
Jesus Christ! I gotta Fuck Her, AGAIN!? This chick is NUTS!
“There is No Way I can do it Again! Both my heads are just not into it!
“Daddy Boo, where are you, Poopsie Woopsie?”
“I gotta fuckin Hide!”
“Poopsie! I said, RIGHT NOW, or Mama’s gonna get Mad! I’m Waiting!”
“Oh god! NOOOOO! NOT AGAINN! AAAAAAHHHHHHIIIEEEE!
“Where’s the Backpack, with the BOMB IN IT? I GOTTA STRAP IT ON!”
“Oh, Good! Plenty of Dynamite!”
“Where’s the Fucking Detonator?”
“GIMME THE FUCKING DETONATOR!”
“The Button! PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON!”
“OH GOD! THE BATTERY IS Dead!”
“Shmooky! Oh, Shmooky! Where are you! Poopsie Woopsie is getting HOT and HORNY!”
“SHMOOKY, I NEED IT NOW!”
“Shmooky, what’s the matter? You’re not looking so Good! Here, let me help! I think I know what you need! A little Pussy will make you feel a lot better!”
“Shmooky! You look like you’re having a Heart Attack! What’s the matter, baby? Don’t you wanna play Snuggle Wuggle, any more? You look about as happy as a Suicide Bomber!”
“I know, I’ll pretend I’m a Virgin! You always like that! Which one do you want me to be? You have a choice of 72!”
CLUNK! CRASH!
“Shmooky? Wake up! You’re starting to scare me! Breath, Shmooky! Not wanting to Fuck somebody isn’t NORMAL!”
* * *
Wall Street Steps On It's Big Swinging Dick! Where's MY Bonus? Is It "I'm Glad the USS Titanic, Didn't Sink Into a Deeper Ocean DEPRESSION?"
Lifeboats, Anyone? Tennis? Cake?
Lifeboats? Who Needs Lifeboats? You Fool, We Designed this Financial Ship To NEVER SINK!
Who Needs a Lifeboat, When the Ship Can’t Sink! Good God, Man, Come to Your Bloody Senses! This Ship Was Made From a Pure “Derivative” of Helium! It’s Lighter Than Air, Or Water!
Don’t Be a Daft Blighter! It’s Lighter, Than a Vile and Bilious Bubble of Bile! It Can NEVER SINK! Even If It Bumped Into a Big Wall Street Dick’s Cigar Lighter!
It Could Crash Maybe! But That’s a Different Story! Sink? HA! Never!
Full Steam Ahead! I’m Going Below to Catch Some Shut Eye! Wake Me If Anything Unusual Pops Up!
Aye-aye, Captain!
* * *
Iceberg Alley!
[ A Little While Later. ]
Holy Christ! Iceberg Dead Ahead! Lookout!
Ka-BLAM! SCHREEEEEEEEEEECH! FLUNGLE, BUNGLE, ZOOOOOORRRBBB!
HIIIISSSSSSSSS! BLOOP! Ka- Floooom!
Full Stop!
Aye- aye, Sir!
Sir! Admiral Walt (“Old Dead Eye Dick Kevorkian”) Street! What shall we do, Oh Captain, My Captain? Will You Assist Us in Our Economic Suicide, Sir, and Help Us Sink Now?
Man the Lifeboats! Admirals, Captains and Bankers First, Citizens Last! Throw the Women and Children Overboard! The Citizens MUST Go Down With the Ship! Shred the Documents! Where’s my Rubber Ducky?
NYT Headline: Wall Street Bankers Too Fat Too Sink! Survive on Check Bounce, “Float”, and Oil/Mayo/Buttered Sandwich “Life Preservers” That Float on Ocean Surface!
Q: Why Give a Bonus, to the Guys that “Boned Us”, at the Tax Payer Bailed Out Banks? Where’s My Cut, For Saving Their Fat Wall Street Asses?
Ouch! Why Does My Ass Hurt So Much? What Is It Chicks Say After a Good Fucking? “I Can Hardly WALK, he fucked me too well!”
Tax Their Bonus, Fo’ Sho’ Buckwheat! And Send ME the April 15th Refund Check! And Use It To Help Pay for Health Care!
Advice: Remember, “Mister Super Clever, Finance Idiot White Boy”, that Big Fat White Thing, in Front of the Ship, Is An ICEBERG!
It’s Not Another Blubbery Wall Street Trader, From Brooklyn! So Don’t Put Your Big Fat Dick In It, Okay! Steer Around It! Just Hump the Bags of Gold, in the Back Room, Okay?
Now Pass that Pastrami Sandwich, with “Cock Trail” Sauce, Ya Fat, Pin Stripe, Traitor Boy! Mmm! Now That’s What I Call a Big Swinging, Wall Street, Dick Lickin’, Good Taste! A Hot, Tender, “Submarine Hoagie Grinder Penis Sandwich”!
Nothing Like Biting Off the Head of Your Own Economic Dick, To Make a Day Successful!
NYT Headline: Wall Street Sucks Own Dick! Then Steps On It! Then Sucks It Again, to Make It Feel Better! Who Knew? Go Figure!
Next Stock Play is High Rising “Dick Band-Aid” Company! And “Dick Shelters” for High Tax Fucks!
GOP Reveals New Party Plank, “Unleashing the True Dickness, of Conservative, Untamed Capitalism! How to Live with a GOP Dick Up Your ASS!”
(When You Think About It, Just Why ARE GOPsters So Afraid of Gays, When They Always Want to Fuck Everybody Else, Up the Ass? Hmm? Have You Ever Thought About That?)
* * *
Vampires Dead Ahead!
[Today. Now. The Present. This actualized potential of Moment, this very fleeting Instant Of TIME! You fucking numskull, right NOW!]
And Now, My Children, Let Us Begin…
Lessons from Your Great Prophet!
The GREAT FAINT BERNARDY!
(Sounds of Legal Age, Teenage Girls Screaming in Background, just like at a Beatles Con-Sert! “We Luv You Bernardy! Here’s My Room Key, and my Wet Panties!” Ahh! The Elixir of the Gods! )
(Well, alright, the “sounds” of fifty year old Chicks, hootin and hollerin, who still kinda look 18, if you squint, and look sideways, at night, and turn the lights down real low. With a jar of Heat Activated KY Sex Jelly smeared all over their face, and on the camera lens, and you call it “The Return of the Vampires!” Well, it‘s not that bad, but bright sunlight might Melt them, just like a real vampire!)
* * *
Department of Small Victories! Bureau of Big Defeats!
Washington, D.C. -- Hallelujah! Bonus Tax Passed! Recent NPR news story says 50% tax passed, on Bonuses, at tax funded, bailed out Wall Street banks! Yippee! Thank you Lord, for small favors! Rich guy actually has to PAY a TAX! The Rich don’t always get to keep every last freakin’ Penny! Praise the Lord!
However, the Manhattan Cash Addiction Rehabilitation Centers of America, has seen an unprecedented spike in enrollment, now that rich people may actually have to pay Taxes!
Their parking lots are filled to overflowing with Beemers, Volvos and Benzes! Piles of Prozac prescriptions, litter the streets of the Financial District!
And Hallelujah, for the passage of Health Care Reform! The Southern Confederate Republican Party, and their Plantation Senators, were really getting to be one Giant, Dickfaced “Tongue Depressor” on the whole Issue!
“Please Suh! Please Mr. Republican Senator! May I have another Ladle of Pennies, with my Gruel? I’m hungry, and I need to help pay for the rich Wall Street Trader’s ‘Captain Mortgage Flavored Traitor Rum’, that all sank to the bottom of the Ocean, on the U.S.S. Titanic! And now Lloyds of London won’t insure any more shipwrecks, now that all the King’s ducats, and bullion soup, are at the bottom of the Financial Sea!”
“If I don’t pep up me physique with more porridge and gruel, I’ll catch the Dickens, and even more Wall Street ‘Dick Ends’ will slide up me poor Economic Butt Hole! Ouch! Please Suh! Me Mum’s dying from the Republican Plague, and I’m so Hungry!”
* * *
Reality Time On Deck, On the Good Ship U.S.S. Lollipop! Suck On This, Pal! How Do You Like Your “Unregulated Market Messiah” Now, Ya Little Miss Pinafore DickWuss?
Okay, Kids…
Lets see if I got this straight…
A bunch of Super Clever, white, Wall Street Finance Guys, who got tons of Bonus Money during their Careers, ended up stepping on their Big Swinging Wall Street Dicks, let things spin, or “squish” out of control, and then they crashed, and burned down Wall Street, taking the Banks, Brokerage firms, and the Whole durn Economy, down with them.
Did I leave anything out? Like, maybe, all the poor wittle wascally wabbits on Wall Street, otherwise known as, “Coldhearted, Ruthless, Financiers”, were forced by the Big Bad Gubmint, to GIVE away ALL Their Money, to people who couldn’t pay it Back?
Hmm? That’s plausible, isn’t it, Mr. Easter Bunny? Wall Street was forced to hide all the brightly colored Easter Eggs, including the chocolates and creams, and THEN, when they needed them Back, they Couldn’t FIND THEM!
Why? Because the Easter Bunny Took them! YES HE DID! A Big White Fat New Yawk Brooklyn Rabbit took them! Put them all in his Basket, and Ran Away down a little Rabbit Hole called “HELL”! Where it’s Very Hot, and all the golden eggs MELTED!
And that’s why you didn’t get any eggs for Easter, or toys for Christmas, and it’s also why Daddy and Mommy lost their jobs! And it’s all because of a particular “CULTURE” on Wall Street, that’s RESPONSIBLE! Do you know what I mean? Huh, Kids? Can we be any Clearer?
Pretty Clever, huh? Wall Street figures out “The New Innovative Mortgage Scheme of the CENTURY!” And you know what? It’s called “CHEATING!” That’s where it’s “derived” from! An old German derivative called “Oopder assholen”!
And right now, they’re so far “Oopder assholen”, their hand is coming out of the Top of Your Head!
Don’t Worry, them Wall Street Boys Got everything Under Control! Them Boys is Smert! You just put a rabbit trap next to that rabbit hole, and maybe, just maybe, you might get your money Back!
Mom Tries To Figure Out Who Hit Who First! Was It Little Billy, Or Fat Marvin? Dad’s Gonna Be Pissed When He Gets Home! Oops! What Home?
[Little Kid talks to Mom, outside house, after house burns down, and fire department is hosing down burning embers] :
“Gee, Mom, I didn’t know the matches would set the House on Fire! Honest, I didn’t! I was just trying to warm up the kitty, and then the curtains caught fire, and then the sofa, and pretty soon, the whole house was gone! Do ya think Dad will be mad at me? Huh? Gee, Mom, don’t be sore at me! I was only playing around! Honest! I’ll be good from now on!”
Now, the hard core Wall Street Republicans are arguing, that we don’t dare fuck with the “Free Market” compensation system, at taxpayer controlled banks, because if we don’t throw tons of bonuses at these same Super Clever Finance guys, they won’t stick around to fix what they FUCKED UP.
I think the basic line on the pundidiot TV shows is: “These are the guys who made the Bankrupt, Bailed Out Banks “SUCCESSFUL”, and if we don’t give them high pay, they will leave to another bank, who will pay them more, and the bank they left won’t ever be “SUCCESSFUL AGAIN.”
Dog Chases Tail, in Circular Logic Motion! Stir, Until the LUMPS, Are Gone!
What kind of fucked up “logic” is “we gotta give them the same incentive pay that caused them to fuck up, or they won’t perform well now?” What, give them the INCENTIVE to fuck things up again? Give them a Second Chance to Step on their Collective Dicks?
These are the Guys WHO FUCKED EVERYTHING UP!
Let them Leave their jobs, for Bad Performance. How’s that for Logic? Fire them for Fucking Up on the Job! Just like everybody else! Good Riddance, and give them a good kick in the butt at the door!
LET them go find work elsewhere! Get somebody ELSE at the HELM, get a Fresh Start, and give somebody else a chance to Fix Things, who isn’t as fucked up as the first guy! Somebody who didn’t fuck things up in the first place! Change the Culture! Change the Thinking! Gooder THINKING, for a GOODER WORLD! That’s the Ticket!
You mean to tell me there isn’t ANYBODY else out there who can run a fucking bank? How the fuck hard is it to run a fucking bank?
Bank School. How Hard Could It Be? One Plus One, Two Plus Two, Three… Will You Shut the Fuck Up? You Made Me Lose Count! Now I Gotta Start ALL OVER Again, Counting This Money! You Putz! You Even Made Me Forget Which Finger I Was On!
A guy with an MBA could probably run a bank, with assistance from a good team of accountants, and a few finance majors thrown in. Hell, a decent Top Level accountant, by himself, could probably run a bank!
Have you ever even seen an Intermediate Level Accounting College Textbook, which is not even considered Advanced Level? There are finance and accounting people all over America! And we’re LOCKED IN to the same guys that fucked things up? What, do you think these Wall Street assholes are some kind of irreplaceable Quantum Mechanic, Einstein Bank Magicians?
I mean, think about what you are SAYING!
“We THREW TONS OF MONEY at guys who FUCKED THINGS UP, so now we gotta throw TONS OF MONEY at THE SAME GUYS, to get them to FIX IT?”
WHAT THE FUCK COLLEGE DID YOU GO TO? MacDonalds Hamburger School?
Clown School? Fox News “School of Journalism”?
Jesus! I’m gonna go shoot myself, or, as my platonic friend Michelle says, “Run into the street screaming!”
Life just isn’t worth living anymore, with Rich Republicans stepping on Everybody’s dick, except their own!
Compassionate, Society Lovin’, “Big Government Jesus”, Practicing It’s Man Woman Citizen Love, Performs “Miracle of the Bread” (Miracle of the Dough?), and Rescues Drowning “Wall Street Ratdick Assholes”!
Who Then Proceed, in Fine Gold (Feingold?), Turn Coat Judas Tradition, To Stab Jesus in the Back! Et Tu Brutus! Not You Too? Is Your Caesar Salad Not Rich Enough? Here, Have Some of My Pastrami Sandwich, With Oozing, Dripping, “CockTrail” Sauce!
I got news for ya, my Puritan Capitalist Pal, we already “fucked with the free market compensation system”, by “decompensating” your capitalist ass from the “compensation” of going out of business, being flat on your ass, and out in the street without a pot to piss in!
Where you would be sitting today, Mr. Wall Street Walrus, Old Dead Eye Dick, if it wasn’t for a little old thing called a Socialist Welfare Nanny State “Taxpayer Safety Net”, courtesy of Big Gubmint, ridin’ to your Fat Ass Capitalist Rescue!
And the only reason we took bleedin’ heart, liberal pity on ya, was because if we didn’t, the Titanic, the ol’ battlehip USS Economy, the whole kit and kaboodle, really would be sunk on the bottom, in miles of Deep Water! And then everybody would really be screwed, even worse than they are now! So we reluctantly Plugged up your shitty leaking asshole, to keep you Afloat, so we’d ALL stay afloat. Got it?
And what’s the first thing you do, Dickweed? You ask for your Bonus. Where’s my freakin’ Bonus you say, for a job well done! Wow! What a Man you are! Always looking out for Number One! Getting everything you deserve, even if we all suffer.
What a good little capitalist fuck you are! Mommy must be Proud! Her Son Fucked the Nation with his little “Free” market Dick Prick! You da Man, ya fat Wall Street Fuck! You’re the Big Dick, on the Nation’s Wall Street Block!
Signed,
Faint Bernard.
So Faint, I think I’m gonna die!
Will Republican Health Care save me, or did I fail to afford the Insurance Premium?
I just wish my dick was long enough to step on, or gets long enough to step on, stimulated by a naked chick standing in my living room, smiling at me and saying, “Go Baby! Work that Bonis!”, at least once more before I die.
“Work that Bonis, Baby! Work it! Harder! Oh, that’s a Good Boy! Splurt! Splurt! All over the carpet, and my creamy womanly thighs!”
“Don’t worry, Mommy will lick it ALL Up! She likes to Lick Up the Mess you make!”
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved, including Holy Catholic Last Rites, and the right to have a Female Priest, or a NUN, in Full Rabbit Habit, tenderly hold my penis, just before I Come, to the Lord!
Oh, My! That’s Awfully Sticky Holy Water! Sorry, Sister! Some things just can’t be helped! And when it comes to my Weeny, it can only be saved, exercised, held, kissed, sucked, and fucked! But Helped? No! If you wanna help it, you gotta suck it, AND Be A WOMAN!
But, at least I will have honestly earned, My Holy “Bonis”. Unlike the Wall Street boys.
It won’t be a Stolen Bonis.
It will be all Mine, fully Earned, on the up and up. Right up there with God.
(Sound of Angels Singing! A gloriously full, Female Chorus! )
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now, and I’ll give you an Extra Special, Throbbing red Bonis!
Question: Why do Wall Street Bankers always step on their Dicks?
Answer: Because they’re always bending over, to unzip their Pricks, while preparing to Fuck You.
[Rameo, in Joliet Prison, Illinois.]: “Oh, Nay, Mercutio! The Coiled Snake, inside the Soiled, Plotted, and Potted Plans, that Wall Street doth Make! It‘s enough to make a Virgin Market Quake!”
“Forgive them, Lord, for they know not, what they do!”
“They think they have been Chosen, by the New God, the God of Cash, to Serve the Golden Idol, the Bull Market Calf, of our Nation’s New, MARKET RELIGION!”
“Hail the New God! The GOD of the MARKET! BOW DOWN on your Knees, and SERVE HIM!”
“The GOD of the MARKET, Over ALL!”
“The MARKET GOD, Uber ALLES!”
“WORK Makes You FREE!”
“ARBEIT Macht FREI!”
“Let Untamed, Out of Control Capitalism, Burn, Cleanse, and Purify Your Soul, and Send Your Ashes Heavenward, in the Raging Fires of the CONCENTRATED FINAL PROFIT SOLUTION.”
If you’re not part of the Profit, you’re not part of the Prophet.
Efficiency in carrying out the Final Profit Solution, is more important than Humanity, in any Final Solution.
Health Care is Deciding who lives or dies. The whole Nation is a Death Camp, if a Corporate Dr. Mengele, the Angel of Death, stands at the HEALTH CAMP gate, and decides who gets to Live or Die.
They say, “Never forget the Holocaust.”
I say, “Try not to forget any Form of Holocaust.”
Who, is Forgetting, NOW?
* * *
How’s that for a Bonis?
Ba-Bump! Cymbal CRASH! Take my Life, Please!
I’m dying out here!
Can it get ANY Worse?
Vote Republican, and you’ll see!
But wasn’t it the Democrats that FORCED Wall Street to give away Bad Mortgages?
That’s what I heard from a Republican Think Tank! Poor wittle Wall Street was held Hostage by Demoncrats!
And Elmer Fudd (as John McCain) and Olive Oil (as Sarah Palin) were gonna Save us!
But a Black Muslim, Non Citizen, Monkey Boy, named Brutus O’Mamma, who is an inexperienced Community Organizer and Law Perfessor, and who is not even as Smert as George Bush, the Genius Alcoholic “C” Student from “Yale”, got elected instead, by buying up the Black Vote with Easy, No payment BAD Mortgages!
And now them Demoncrats are gonna take all our Pure Virgin, White Tax Dollars, and give them to them feelthy Neegars, so they can live for FREE, high on the Hog, on the White Dollar!
And now the only guy that can save us, is Senator “Beady Eyed” Bane-er from Ohio (as Pop Eye, the Sailor Man) who’s gonna Force us all to eat a “Can of Deficit Power Muskel Building Spinach!
YUCK!
“I’m Pop Eye the Sailor Man! Toot! Toot!”
Olive Oil: “Oh, Brutus! You’re such a BIG ManDonkey!”
Brutus: “Tanks, Olive Oil! Yer not so bad yerself, Toots!”
Toot! Toot! Right in the Booty!
Pop Eye the Sailor Man [singing his theme song]:
“I’m Pop Eye, the Sailor Man! Beep, beep!”
“I’m Pop Pie, the Nail Her Man!” (wink, wink)
“I’m Pop Eye the Creepy old, Beady Eyed, Senator Bane-er Man!
Toot! Toot!”
“Where’s Me Spinach, Olive Oil? I can’t lives, without me Spinach!”
Stay Tuned Kids! For the Next Decade of, “Conservative Republican Cartooons!”
See if Little Sweepy Sweet Pee gets HEALTH CARE, OR NOT!
And Wimpie says, “I’ll gladly pay you Next Tuesday, for a Hamburger I can have TODAY!” So sayeth the Republican Big Spenders, who COMPLETELY WIPED OUT, CLINTON‘S BUDGET SURPLUS OF 2000!
Argh! Just shut up and EAT your Spinach! It’s Good For You! It helps Build up your Deficit Muskels, now that the Republicunts have outspent the Demoncrats, and Spent ALL the Money!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Archway to Understanding Politics!
Where are you Superman? We need you!
Do the Republicans have you locked up, in Frozen Budget Kryptonite?
If we melt all the Artic Ice, will Superman still have a Secret Hideout, and Super Fortress?
Superman was a Democrat, right?
How can you tell?
Because Superman HELPED PEOPLE! He didn’t just collect, and conserve, precious Metals, and CASH, in a Secret Vault, hidden, and inaccessible to the People.
Now, if we could ONLY find where Clark Kent and Lois Lane disappeared to, we might be in Better Shape!
Too late, they’re working for POX “News” now! They “went over” to the Dark Side, you know, with sagging careers they wanted that last cash fuck.
What’s Batman’s number? Do you think he’s still available? How do you do that Bat Signal Thing? Do you put your fingers in front of a candle and a sheet, and then blow a whistle?
Or do you get dressed up in a black rubber outfit, and sing “Whip it Baby, whip it all Nite”?
I don’t know. But I do know how to summon a Republican.
How?
You Show him the round end of a broomstick, and say, “Can I put this up your Uptight Butt?”
And?
They generally say Yes.
Why?
Because it makes them Feel Good. Somehow the Rigid Discipline and Pain of it, makes them feel Better, about their Other, Deep, Inner PAIN.
Oh. I didn’t realize that.
Well, now ya know. Nobody ever said life was pretty.
What Other Deep Inner Pain do they Have?
They can’t CONTROL LIFE. That’s their Ultimate Goal. They want to CONTROL LIFE.
Why?
Because Life is MESSY, and Uncontrollable, and often painful as a result.
But if they know that, why do they want to try and control Life?
Because if they can Control life, they can Avoid having the Trauma that happened to them, ever happen again.
But they want other People to Suffer!
Exactly! They’re Repeating their Childhood Trauma, in an effort to understand it, and then maybe Change it, but they get stuck in the never ending loop of Repeating the Conditions of the Trauma!
But why do they want others to suffer?
Becuz it makes them feel not alone, and why should you get a free pass to avoid what they had to go through? You’ve got to suffer just like they did, otherwise it’s Not Fair!
OH. Now I get it! “I went thru it, so you do too!” Makes Perfect Sense. Otherwise, you get off Scot Free! And you don’t have to suffer like they did, and that’s Not Fair! I get it! I really do! It makes perfect Sense! It explains ALL their Inconsistencies!
No wonder they’re always trying to make everybody rigidly BEHAVE, they just Barely have themselves under CONTROL! Holy SHIT! I see it Now!
If they slack off with you, they’ll go nuts and start doing Weird Shit themselves! They’ll start humping a dog in the middle of the Street, or doing the neighbor!
They’re like alcoholics! If they see you drinking, they’ll grab the bottle first thing, and never let go!
But they never break out of their Endless Feedback Loop, so they have to keep pushing the suffering onto others, and maintaining a high level of pain for others, in order to minimize their Inner Psychic Pain!
But Nothing Cures their Pain! Not Money, Gold, Mansions, Stocks, bonds, diamonds, Helicopters, Vacations, none of it ever cures the emptiness in their hearts.
They’re like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz! They’re Missing LOVE! And they can’t replace the Love they’re Missing, with Material Possessions or Power, no matter how hard they try! Got it?
Yeah! I do!
That’ll be 1,000 dollars, please!
A thousand bucks! What, are you NUTS?
Yep! But, on the other hand, that WAS five Psychiatric Sessions collapsed into One!
Five times 200 dollars is one thousand dollars! Do you want to take five hours, to do what I just did for you, in five minutes? Hmm?
Check or credit card?
Card’s fine.
* * *
Blub, blub, splort…
Fleef, glub, fubula…
Florp! Flimp! Bleek!
Deep down, under the Subways and Sewers of New York City, there is a bubbling, a stirring, a noise, and motion…
It’s the Darkest, deepest part of the Republican Soul, if you can call it that. A MONSTER, deep inside the battered, tattered, and barely breathing shattered remnants, of the traumatized, Trauma Sized “CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN SOUL”.
IT LURKS. WAITING. READY TO POUNCE. PLANNING HOW IT WILL MAKE OTHERS SUFFER…
* * *
But there is an antidote! And it’s in Stock, and ready to ship @ www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved.
Doctor Bernard’s Old Fashioned Anti-Conservative Sour Mash Vaccine!
A little spoonful in your tea, will do ya!
Get some Today!
It will briefly brighten, our Troubled Way!
Dang Boy, dat’s what I calls “Pometry”! Yas, Suh! Yes, indeedy!
Little Poimlets, of Love! Ain’t dat Sweet?
Yep, Bernardy loves ya, even if you are an Idiot!
Gosh, that Bernardy feller is just like Jesus!
He just ain’t got no Super Powers!
Now hold on, just a dang minute!
I’m working on the flying thing! I’m already up to hoppin’ and jumping!
It’s the “Seein thru stuff”, that’s still a bit of a problem!
But, like I say, I’m Workin’ on it!
Yes, sir, Baby, I’m Workin’ on it!
And Oh yeah, it feels real Good!
* * *
Lifeboats? Who Needs Lifeboats? You Fool, We Designed this Financial Ship To NEVER SINK!
Who Needs a Lifeboat, When the Ship Can’t Sink! Good God, Man, Come to Your Bloody Senses! This Ship Was Made From a Pure “Derivative” of Helium! It’s Lighter Than Air, Or Water!
Don’t Be a Daft Blighter! It’s Lighter, Than a Vile and Bilious Bubble of Bile! It Can NEVER SINK! Even If It Bumped Into a Big Wall Street Dick’s Cigar Lighter!
It Could Crash Maybe! But That’s a Different Story! Sink? HA! Never!
Full Steam Ahead! I’m Going Below to Catch Some Shut Eye! Wake Me If Anything Unusual Pops Up!
Aye-aye, Captain!
* * *
Iceberg Alley!
[ A Little While Later. ]
Holy Christ! Iceberg Dead Ahead! Lookout!
Ka-BLAM! SCHREEEEEEEEEEECH! FLUNGLE, BUNGLE, ZOOOOOORRRBBB!
HIIIISSSSSSSSS! BLOOP! Ka- Floooom!
Full Stop!
Aye- aye, Sir!
Sir! Admiral Walt (“Old Dead Eye Dick Kevorkian”) Street! What shall we do, Oh Captain, My Captain? Will You Assist Us in Our Economic Suicide, Sir, and Help Us Sink Now?
Man the Lifeboats! Admirals, Captains and Bankers First, Citizens Last! Throw the Women and Children Overboard! The Citizens MUST Go Down With the Ship! Shred the Documents! Where’s my Rubber Ducky?
NYT Headline: Wall Street Bankers Too Fat Too Sink! Survive on Check Bounce, “Float”, and Oil/Mayo/Buttered Sandwich “Life Preservers” That Float on Ocean Surface!
Q: Why Give a Bonus, to the Guys that “Boned Us”, at the Tax Payer Bailed Out Banks? Where’s My Cut, For Saving Their Fat Wall Street Asses?
Ouch! Why Does My Ass Hurt So Much? What Is It Chicks Say After a Good Fucking? “I Can Hardly WALK, he fucked me too well!”
Tax Their Bonus, Fo’ Sho’ Buckwheat! And Send ME the April 15th Refund Check! And Use It To Help Pay for Health Care!
Advice: Remember, “Mister Super Clever, Finance Idiot White Boy”, that Big Fat White Thing, in Front of the Ship, Is An ICEBERG!
It’s Not Another Blubbery Wall Street Trader, From Brooklyn! So Don’t Put Your Big Fat Dick In It, Okay! Steer Around It! Just Hump the Bags of Gold, in the Back Room, Okay?
Now Pass that Pastrami Sandwich, with “Cock Trail” Sauce, Ya Fat, Pin Stripe, Traitor Boy! Mmm! Now That’s What I Call a Big Swinging, Wall Street, Dick Lickin’, Good Taste! A Hot, Tender, “Submarine Hoagie Grinder Penis Sandwich”!
Nothing Like Biting Off the Head of Your Own Economic Dick, To Make a Day Successful!
NYT Headline: Wall Street Sucks Own Dick! Then Steps On It! Then Sucks It Again, to Make It Feel Better! Who Knew? Go Figure!
Next Stock Play is High Rising “Dick Band-Aid” Company! And “Dick Shelters” for High Tax Fucks!
GOP Reveals New Party Plank, “Unleashing the True Dickness, of Conservative, Untamed Capitalism! How to Live with a GOP Dick Up Your ASS!”
(When You Think About It, Just Why ARE GOPsters So Afraid of Gays, When They Always Want to Fuck Everybody Else, Up the Ass? Hmm? Have You Ever Thought About That?)
* * *
Vampires Dead Ahead!
[Today. Now. The Present. This actualized potential of Moment, this very fleeting Instant Of TIME! You fucking numskull, right NOW!]
And Now, My Children, Let Us Begin…
Lessons from Your Great Prophet!
The GREAT FAINT BERNARDY!
(Sounds of Legal Age, Teenage Girls Screaming in Background, just like at a Beatles Con-Sert! “We Luv You Bernardy! Here’s My Room Key, and my Wet Panties!” Ahh! The Elixir of the Gods! )
(Well, alright, the “sounds” of fifty year old Chicks, hootin and hollerin, who still kinda look 18, if you squint, and look sideways, at night, and turn the lights down real low. With a jar of Heat Activated KY Sex Jelly smeared all over their face, and on the camera lens, and you call it “The Return of the Vampires!” Well, it‘s not that bad, but bright sunlight might Melt them, just like a real vampire!)
* * *
Department of Small Victories! Bureau of Big Defeats!
Washington, D.C. -- Hallelujah! Bonus Tax Passed! Recent NPR news story says 50% tax passed, on Bonuses, at tax funded, bailed out Wall Street banks! Yippee! Thank you Lord, for small favors! Rich guy actually has to PAY a TAX! The Rich don’t always get to keep every last freakin’ Penny! Praise the Lord!
However, the Manhattan Cash Addiction Rehabilitation Centers of America, has seen an unprecedented spike in enrollment, now that rich people may actually have to pay Taxes!
Their parking lots are filled to overflowing with Beemers, Volvos and Benzes! Piles of Prozac prescriptions, litter the streets of the Financial District!
And Hallelujah, for the passage of Health Care Reform! The Southern Confederate Republican Party, and their Plantation Senators, were really getting to be one Giant, Dickfaced “Tongue Depressor” on the whole Issue!
“Please Suh! Please Mr. Republican Senator! May I have another Ladle of Pennies, with my Gruel? I’m hungry, and I need to help pay for the rich Wall Street Trader’s ‘Captain Mortgage Flavored Traitor Rum’, that all sank to the bottom of the Ocean, on the U.S.S. Titanic! And now Lloyds of London won’t insure any more shipwrecks, now that all the King’s ducats, and bullion soup, are at the bottom of the Financial Sea!”
“If I don’t pep up me physique with more porridge and gruel, I’ll catch the Dickens, and even more Wall Street ‘Dick Ends’ will slide up me poor Economic Butt Hole! Ouch! Please Suh! Me Mum’s dying from the Republican Plague, and I’m so Hungry!”
* * *
Reality Time On Deck, On the Good Ship U.S.S. Lollipop! Suck On This, Pal! How Do You Like Your “Unregulated Market Messiah” Now, Ya Little Miss Pinafore DickWuss?
Okay, Kids…
Lets see if I got this straight…
A bunch of Super Clever, white, Wall Street Finance Guys, who got tons of Bonus Money during their Careers, ended up stepping on their Big Swinging Wall Street Dicks, let things spin, or “squish” out of control, and then they crashed, and burned down Wall Street, taking the Banks, Brokerage firms, and the Whole durn Economy, down with them.
Did I leave anything out? Like, maybe, all the poor wittle wascally wabbits on Wall Street, otherwise known as, “Coldhearted, Ruthless, Financiers”, were forced by the Big Bad Gubmint, to GIVE away ALL Their Money, to people who couldn’t pay it Back?
Hmm? That’s plausible, isn’t it, Mr. Easter Bunny? Wall Street was forced to hide all the brightly colored Easter Eggs, including the chocolates and creams, and THEN, when they needed them Back, they Couldn’t FIND THEM!
Why? Because the Easter Bunny Took them! YES HE DID! A Big White Fat New Yawk Brooklyn Rabbit took them! Put them all in his Basket, and Ran Away down a little Rabbit Hole called “HELL”! Where it’s Very Hot, and all the golden eggs MELTED!
And that’s why you didn’t get any eggs for Easter, or toys for Christmas, and it’s also why Daddy and Mommy lost their jobs! And it’s all because of a particular “CULTURE” on Wall Street, that’s RESPONSIBLE! Do you know what I mean? Huh, Kids? Can we be any Clearer?
Pretty Clever, huh? Wall Street figures out “The New Innovative Mortgage Scheme of the CENTURY!” And you know what? It’s called “CHEATING!” That’s where it’s “derived” from! An old German derivative called “Oopder assholen”!
And right now, they’re so far “Oopder assholen”, their hand is coming out of the Top of Your Head!
Don’t Worry, them Wall Street Boys Got everything Under Control! Them Boys is Smert! You just put a rabbit trap next to that rabbit hole, and maybe, just maybe, you might get your money Back!
Mom Tries To Figure Out Who Hit Who First! Was It Little Billy, Or Fat Marvin? Dad’s Gonna Be Pissed When He Gets Home! Oops! What Home?
[Little Kid talks to Mom, outside house, after house burns down, and fire department is hosing down burning embers] :
“Gee, Mom, I didn’t know the matches would set the House on Fire! Honest, I didn’t! I was just trying to warm up the kitty, and then the curtains caught fire, and then the sofa, and pretty soon, the whole house was gone! Do ya think Dad will be mad at me? Huh? Gee, Mom, don’t be sore at me! I was only playing around! Honest! I’ll be good from now on!”
Now, the hard core Wall Street Republicans are arguing, that we don’t dare fuck with the “Free Market” compensation system, at taxpayer controlled banks, because if we don’t throw tons of bonuses at these same Super Clever Finance guys, they won’t stick around to fix what they FUCKED UP.
I think the basic line on the pundidiot TV shows is: “These are the guys who made the Bankrupt, Bailed Out Banks “SUCCESSFUL”, and if we don’t give them high pay, they will leave to another bank, who will pay them more, and the bank they left won’t ever be “SUCCESSFUL AGAIN.”
Dog Chases Tail, in Circular Logic Motion! Stir, Until the LUMPS, Are Gone!
What kind of fucked up “logic” is “we gotta give them the same incentive pay that caused them to fuck up, or they won’t perform well now?” What, give them the INCENTIVE to fuck things up again? Give them a Second Chance to Step on their Collective Dicks?
These are the Guys WHO FUCKED EVERYTHING UP!
Let them Leave their jobs, for Bad Performance. How’s that for Logic? Fire them for Fucking Up on the Job! Just like everybody else! Good Riddance, and give them a good kick in the butt at the door!
LET them go find work elsewhere! Get somebody ELSE at the HELM, get a Fresh Start, and give somebody else a chance to Fix Things, who isn’t as fucked up as the first guy! Somebody who didn’t fuck things up in the first place! Change the Culture! Change the Thinking! Gooder THINKING, for a GOODER WORLD! That’s the Ticket!
You mean to tell me there isn’t ANYBODY else out there who can run a fucking bank? How the fuck hard is it to run a fucking bank?
Bank School. How Hard Could It Be? One Plus One, Two Plus Two, Three… Will You Shut the Fuck Up? You Made Me Lose Count! Now I Gotta Start ALL OVER Again, Counting This Money! You Putz! You Even Made Me Forget Which Finger I Was On!
A guy with an MBA could probably run a bank, with assistance from a good team of accountants, and a few finance majors thrown in. Hell, a decent Top Level accountant, by himself, could probably run a bank!
Have you ever even seen an Intermediate Level Accounting College Textbook, which is not even considered Advanced Level? There are finance and accounting people all over America! And we’re LOCKED IN to the same guys that fucked things up? What, do you think these Wall Street assholes are some kind of irreplaceable Quantum Mechanic, Einstein Bank Magicians?
I mean, think about what you are SAYING!
“We THREW TONS OF MONEY at guys who FUCKED THINGS UP, so now we gotta throw TONS OF MONEY at THE SAME GUYS, to get them to FIX IT?”
WHAT THE FUCK COLLEGE DID YOU GO TO? MacDonalds Hamburger School?
Clown School? Fox News “School of Journalism”?
Jesus! I’m gonna go shoot myself, or, as my platonic friend Michelle says, “Run into the street screaming!”
Life just isn’t worth living anymore, with Rich Republicans stepping on Everybody’s dick, except their own!
Compassionate, Society Lovin’, “Big Government Jesus”, Practicing It’s Man Woman Citizen Love, Performs “Miracle of the Bread” (Miracle of the Dough?), and Rescues Drowning “Wall Street Ratdick Assholes”!
Who Then Proceed, in Fine Gold (Feingold?), Turn Coat Judas Tradition, To Stab Jesus in the Back! Et Tu Brutus! Not You Too? Is Your Caesar Salad Not Rich Enough? Here, Have Some of My Pastrami Sandwich, With Oozing, Dripping, “CockTrail” Sauce!
I got news for ya, my Puritan Capitalist Pal, we already “fucked with the free market compensation system”, by “decompensating” your capitalist ass from the “compensation” of going out of business, being flat on your ass, and out in the street without a pot to piss in!
Where you would be sitting today, Mr. Wall Street Walrus, Old Dead Eye Dick, if it wasn’t for a little old thing called a Socialist Welfare Nanny State “Taxpayer Safety Net”, courtesy of Big Gubmint, ridin’ to your Fat Ass Capitalist Rescue!
And the only reason we took bleedin’ heart, liberal pity on ya, was because if we didn’t, the Titanic, the ol’ battlehip USS Economy, the whole kit and kaboodle, really would be sunk on the bottom, in miles of Deep Water! And then everybody would really be screwed, even worse than they are now! So we reluctantly Plugged up your shitty leaking asshole, to keep you Afloat, so we’d ALL stay afloat. Got it?
And what’s the first thing you do, Dickweed? You ask for your Bonus. Where’s my freakin’ Bonus you say, for a job well done! Wow! What a Man you are! Always looking out for Number One! Getting everything you deserve, even if we all suffer.
What a good little capitalist fuck you are! Mommy must be Proud! Her Son Fucked the Nation with his little “Free” market Dick Prick! You da Man, ya fat Wall Street Fuck! You’re the Big Dick, on the Nation’s Wall Street Block!
Signed,
Faint Bernard.
So Faint, I think I’m gonna die!
Will Republican Health Care save me, or did I fail to afford the Insurance Premium?
I just wish my dick was long enough to step on, or gets long enough to step on, stimulated by a naked chick standing in my living room, smiling at me and saying, “Go Baby! Work that Bonis!”, at least once more before I die.
“Work that Bonis, Baby! Work it! Harder! Oh, that’s a Good Boy! Splurt! Splurt! All over the carpet, and my creamy womanly thighs!”
“Don’t worry, Mommy will lick it ALL Up! She likes to Lick Up the Mess you make!”
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved, including Holy Catholic Last Rites, and the right to have a Female Priest, or a NUN, in Full Rabbit Habit, tenderly hold my penis, just before I Come, to the Lord!
Oh, My! That’s Awfully Sticky Holy Water! Sorry, Sister! Some things just can’t be helped! And when it comes to my Weeny, it can only be saved, exercised, held, kissed, sucked, and fucked! But Helped? No! If you wanna help it, you gotta suck it, AND Be A WOMAN!
But, at least I will have honestly earned, My Holy “Bonis”. Unlike the Wall Street boys.
It won’t be a Stolen Bonis.
It will be all Mine, fully Earned, on the up and up. Right up there with God.
(Sound of Angels Singing! A gloriously full, Female Chorus! )
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now, and I’ll give you an Extra Special, Throbbing red Bonis!
Question: Why do Wall Street Bankers always step on their Dicks?
Answer: Because they’re always bending over, to unzip their Pricks, while preparing to Fuck You.
[Rameo, in Joliet Prison, Illinois.]: “Oh, Nay, Mercutio! The Coiled Snake, inside the Soiled, Plotted, and Potted Plans, that Wall Street doth Make! It‘s enough to make a Virgin Market Quake!”
“Forgive them, Lord, for they know not, what they do!”
“They think they have been Chosen, by the New God, the God of Cash, to Serve the Golden Idol, the Bull Market Calf, of our Nation’s New, MARKET RELIGION!”
“Hail the New God! The GOD of the MARKET! BOW DOWN on your Knees, and SERVE HIM!”
“The GOD of the MARKET, Over ALL!”
“The MARKET GOD, Uber ALLES!”
“WORK Makes You FREE!”
“ARBEIT Macht FREI!”
“Let Untamed, Out of Control Capitalism, Burn, Cleanse, and Purify Your Soul, and Send Your Ashes Heavenward, in the Raging Fires of the CONCENTRATED FINAL PROFIT SOLUTION.”
If you’re not part of the Profit, you’re not part of the Prophet.
Efficiency in carrying out the Final Profit Solution, is more important than Humanity, in any Final Solution.
Health Care is Deciding who lives or dies. The whole Nation is a Death Camp, if a Corporate Dr. Mengele, the Angel of Death, stands at the HEALTH CAMP gate, and decides who gets to Live or Die.
They say, “Never forget the Holocaust.”
I say, “Try not to forget any Form of Holocaust.”
Who, is Forgetting, NOW?
* * *
How’s that for a Bonis?
Ba-Bump! Cymbal CRASH! Take my Life, Please!
I’m dying out here!
Can it get ANY Worse?
Vote Republican, and you’ll see!
But wasn’t it the Democrats that FORCED Wall Street to give away Bad Mortgages?
That’s what I heard from a Republican Think Tank! Poor wittle Wall Street was held Hostage by Demoncrats!
And Elmer Fudd (as John McCain) and Olive Oil (as Sarah Palin) were gonna Save us!
But a Black Muslim, Non Citizen, Monkey Boy, named Brutus O’Mamma, who is an inexperienced Community Organizer and Law Perfessor, and who is not even as Smert as George Bush, the Genius Alcoholic “C” Student from “Yale”, got elected instead, by buying up the Black Vote with Easy, No payment BAD Mortgages!
And now them Demoncrats are gonna take all our Pure Virgin, White Tax Dollars, and give them to them feelthy Neegars, so they can live for FREE, high on the Hog, on the White Dollar!
And now the only guy that can save us, is Senator “Beady Eyed” Bane-er from Ohio (as Pop Eye, the Sailor Man) who’s gonna Force us all to eat a “Can of Deficit Power Muskel Building Spinach!
YUCK!
“I’m Pop Eye the Sailor Man! Toot! Toot!”
Olive Oil: “Oh, Brutus! You’re such a BIG ManDonkey!”
Brutus: “Tanks, Olive Oil! Yer not so bad yerself, Toots!”
Toot! Toot! Right in the Booty!
Pop Eye the Sailor Man [singing his theme song]:
“I’m Pop Eye, the Sailor Man! Beep, beep!”
“I’m Pop Pie, the Nail Her Man!” (wink, wink)
“I’m Pop Eye the Creepy old, Beady Eyed, Senator Bane-er Man!
Toot! Toot!”
“Where’s Me Spinach, Olive Oil? I can’t lives, without me Spinach!”
Stay Tuned Kids! For the Next Decade of, “Conservative Republican Cartooons!”
See if Little Sweepy Sweet Pee gets HEALTH CARE, OR NOT!
And Wimpie says, “I’ll gladly pay you Next Tuesday, for a Hamburger I can have TODAY!” So sayeth the Republican Big Spenders, who COMPLETELY WIPED OUT, CLINTON‘S BUDGET SURPLUS OF 2000!
Argh! Just shut up and EAT your Spinach! It’s Good For You! It helps Build up your Deficit Muskels, now that the Republicunts have outspent the Demoncrats, and Spent ALL the Money!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Archway to Understanding Politics!
Where are you Superman? We need you!
Do the Republicans have you locked up, in Frozen Budget Kryptonite?
If we melt all the Artic Ice, will Superman still have a Secret Hideout, and Super Fortress?
Superman was a Democrat, right?
How can you tell?
Because Superman HELPED PEOPLE! He didn’t just collect, and conserve, precious Metals, and CASH, in a Secret Vault, hidden, and inaccessible to the People.
Now, if we could ONLY find where Clark Kent and Lois Lane disappeared to, we might be in Better Shape!
Too late, they’re working for POX “News” now! They “went over” to the Dark Side, you know, with sagging careers they wanted that last cash fuck.
What’s Batman’s number? Do you think he’s still available? How do you do that Bat Signal Thing? Do you put your fingers in front of a candle and a sheet, and then blow a whistle?
Or do you get dressed up in a black rubber outfit, and sing “Whip it Baby, whip it all Nite”?
I don’t know. But I do know how to summon a Republican.
How?
You Show him the round end of a broomstick, and say, “Can I put this up your Uptight Butt?”
And?
They generally say Yes.
Why?
Because it makes them Feel Good. Somehow the Rigid Discipline and Pain of it, makes them feel Better, about their Other, Deep, Inner PAIN.
Oh. I didn’t realize that.
Well, now ya know. Nobody ever said life was pretty.
What Other Deep Inner Pain do they Have?
They can’t CONTROL LIFE. That’s their Ultimate Goal. They want to CONTROL LIFE.
Why?
Because Life is MESSY, and Uncontrollable, and often painful as a result.
But if they know that, why do they want to try and control Life?
Because if they can Control life, they can Avoid having the Trauma that happened to them, ever happen again.
But they want other People to Suffer!
Exactly! They’re Repeating their Childhood Trauma, in an effort to understand it, and then maybe Change it, but they get stuck in the never ending loop of Repeating the Conditions of the Trauma!
But why do they want others to suffer?
Becuz it makes them feel not alone, and why should you get a free pass to avoid what they had to go through? You’ve got to suffer just like they did, otherwise it’s Not Fair!
OH. Now I get it! “I went thru it, so you do too!” Makes Perfect Sense. Otherwise, you get off Scot Free! And you don’t have to suffer like they did, and that’s Not Fair! I get it! I really do! It makes perfect Sense! It explains ALL their Inconsistencies!
No wonder they’re always trying to make everybody rigidly BEHAVE, they just Barely have themselves under CONTROL! Holy SHIT! I see it Now!
If they slack off with you, they’ll go nuts and start doing Weird Shit themselves! They’ll start humping a dog in the middle of the Street, or doing the neighbor!
They’re like alcoholics! If they see you drinking, they’ll grab the bottle first thing, and never let go!
But they never break out of their Endless Feedback Loop, so they have to keep pushing the suffering onto others, and maintaining a high level of pain for others, in order to minimize their Inner Psychic Pain!
But Nothing Cures their Pain! Not Money, Gold, Mansions, Stocks, bonds, diamonds, Helicopters, Vacations, none of it ever cures the emptiness in their hearts.
They’re like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz! They’re Missing LOVE! And they can’t replace the Love they’re Missing, with Material Possessions or Power, no matter how hard they try! Got it?
Yeah! I do!
That’ll be 1,000 dollars, please!
A thousand bucks! What, are you NUTS?
Yep! But, on the other hand, that WAS five Psychiatric Sessions collapsed into One!
Five times 200 dollars is one thousand dollars! Do you want to take five hours, to do what I just did for you, in five minutes? Hmm?
Check or credit card?
Card’s fine.
* * *
Blub, blub, splort…
Fleef, glub, fubula…
Florp! Flimp! Bleek!
Deep down, under the Subways and Sewers of New York City, there is a bubbling, a stirring, a noise, and motion…
It’s the Darkest, deepest part of the Republican Soul, if you can call it that. A MONSTER, deep inside the battered, tattered, and barely breathing shattered remnants, of the traumatized, Trauma Sized “CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN SOUL”.
IT LURKS. WAITING. READY TO POUNCE. PLANNING HOW IT WILL MAKE OTHERS SUFFER…
* * *
But there is an antidote! And it’s in Stock, and ready to ship @ www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved.
Doctor Bernard’s Old Fashioned Anti-Conservative Sour Mash Vaccine!
A little spoonful in your tea, will do ya!
Get some Today!
It will briefly brighten, our Troubled Way!
Dang Boy, dat’s what I calls “Pometry”! Yas, Suh! Yes, indeedy!
Little Poimlets, of Love! Ain’t dat Sweet?
Yep, Bernardy loves ya, even if you are an Idiot!
Gosh, that Bernardy feller is just like Jesus!
He just ain’t got no Super Powers!
Now hold on, just a dang minute!
I’m working on the flying thing! I’m already up to hoppin’ and jumping!
It’s the “Seein thru stuff”, that’s still a bit of a problem!
But, like I say, I’m Workin’ on it!
Yes, sir, Baby, I’m Workin’ on it!
And Oh yeah, it feels real Good!
* * *
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Are You Sure?
Freedom, Justice, Equality for All. Lather, rinse, repeat. Write it on the blackboard 1,000 times. Repeat after me, and read my lips. Tattoo it on your forehead, and look in the mirror regularly. Say it everyday when you get up. Freedom, Justice, Equality for ALL.
What is it about that, Southern Fried Goober Man, that you don’t get? How many Centuries is it gonna take you, to catch up, to the rest of America? Or are you just gonna try and live, in the Bad, Old, Past?
Run, Forrest, Run! The Future is Coming!
But…but…but, I don’t want it to come!
No buts!
But the Future has it all Wrong! It’s the opposite of Everything I ever Believed in!
Everything the Future has brought has made things WORSE! Progress has Screwed Everything Up!
We have to go back to the Bad, Old Past!
Wait, now I’m Confused! Hold on a second while I think about this! This is a lot more confusing than I thought!
Wait! The Republicans said it was Real Simple, and all I had to do was Vote for them!
Are You Sure?
Are you sure Niggers are Inferior?
Are you sure Gays choose to be gay, and aren’t born that way?
Are you sure women are not as Smart as men, and should stay Home and Not Vote? Are you sure you want to keep women barefoot, married and pregnant, and Under your Thumb, and not let them have alternate ways to Survive and Contribute to Society?
Are you sure an “unregulated market with no rules”, and little enforcement of existing rules, is the best way to keep Giant Corporations Honest, people Employed, and their money Safe?
Are you sure a Tax Cut for Rich People, solves Everything, and truly “unleashes the Power of Capitalism”, or does it just make rich people richer?
Are you sure you are getting the Real Truth, and the Whole Truth, from the Corporate Controlled TV News?
Did you even know that Monopoly Style Corporations now control all the major news outlets, shaping the “Truth” you see, deciding what to tell you, or Not tell you, on the “news“?
Who Can You Trust?
Are you sure your Senator and Congressman are helping You, or are they really just listening to the Corporate Lobbyists, and letting them Screw you?
Are you sure you can trust Big Businessmen, to NOT give you the Short end of the stick?
Are you sure that Big Insurance Companies, give you the “best” Health Care, at the “best” price?
Are you sure Insurance Companies aren’t ALREADY a “Big Corporate Bureaucracy”, intruding into your life, and telling you what to do?
Are you sure Insurance Companies aren’t Trying to Deny you health services, so they can save a Buck and make a Bigger Profit?
Are you sure you will Always have a Job, and be able to get Healthcare from the Job?
Do you think you are just “too valuable” to be fired, and “too good” not to be quickly Rehired by somebody else, so you’ll always have Health Care through a job?
Or, could you actually Lose your job, and Lose your health care, Forever?
Have you ever thought this far ahead?
Forever? You Mean Like, Permanently? No Way, Dude!
Think about it. If you, or a family member, have a pre-existing condition, a new job might not hire you, because YOU and your family, will raise the group premium the company has to pay! They’ll hire the less expensive employee, applying for the job!
Think you’ll get Private Insurance? Think again Buckwheat! Private insurance companies will also not take you, with a pre-existing condition, and if they do, the premium will be Thousands of dollars out of your salary, even if you are “basically” healthy.
So, can you really Predict your future employment, your future health, and your future Coverage?
Have you ever even thought about all this? Have you connected the dots, four or five chess moves ahead?
Do you even care, as you look at your wife, and kiddies, across the breakfast table, as they munch on their Scrunchy Munchies? Hmm?
Are you really sure the Cold hearted “free market” is really gonna give a shit, a rat’s ass, a flyin’ fuck, about You and Your Twinky Fuck family, when push comes to Crunch Time? Huh, Mr. “Free Market Man”?
Try getting health care when nobody will Cover You! Or didn’t you think of that, Mr. Super Smart Master of the Universe! You might have to sell your House, dump the college education fund, and the retirement savings to Pay for the medical Bills!
And that blonde spoiled wife of yours, might not think you’re so great any more, and she’ll stop humping your stupid ass, and divorce you, for being a crappy Provider, now that you’ve had to move to a piece of shit Apartment, where you can hear your neighbors FART thru the Walls! And you’ll be left jerking your own dick, to relieve your job stress, ya stupid “unregulated free market” dick!
Big Corporate versus Big Gubmint!
Are you sure you want Corporations to run things? Corporations that screw you, intrude in your lives, tell you what to do, take money out of your pocket, and are almost impossible to change, and only care about Profit as their Prophet, and Not You?
Or would you rather deal with a government that isn’t Deliberately out to screw you? It may be less Efficient, but Not always, and it does take taxes out of your pocket, but YOU CAN FIX any problems that crop up, by a little thing called “Voting”. With corporations, they all do the same thing, and you’re stuck, and Fucked, and you can’t change them.
Are you really sure Rush Limbaugh is a reliable source of information and facts, since he works for a GIANT Corporation, and is paid tons of money to say what he says, all nice and secure with HIS health care, as a paid mouthpiece for BIG Corporate Money?
How Smart Are You?
Are you sure you really “have it all figured out”, with your high school level Brain Power, as you watch the world from your tiny little perch, in your tiny little tree, with your Big Plasma Screen TV?
Are you sure you are really Smart enough to understand and run the Whole World, with your blue collar high school education, where you got C’s, and didn’t pay a whole lot of attention in class, cuz you were bored, and college for you was a couple of courses you took in Welding or Food Management? And you think Rhode Island is actually an island, and not a state?
Are you sure you are thinking, as Hard as you can, about all these Confusing, Life Issues?
Or did you just come to a Quick, Simple, and Easy Answer, so you didn’t have to think anymore, because thinking is hard, and you wanted to get back to your Soap Opera, or your football game?
Are you sure your Logic and Facts are Correct?
Are you sure your Brain is smart enough, to really Figure it all out?
Or are you just Repeating what someone told you?
Thinking Can Be Harder, Than YOU Think!
Top quality thinking is Hard, Difficult, and Frustrating.
And you seem to think that “Thinking is Easy”! (Well, maybe it is for you, if your mind is not that powerful, or complicated, or capable!)
I’ll bet you think you’re Smarter than most people in the World, and that you’re highly qualified to analyze these Difficult World Life Issues! Am I right?
Come on, admit it, Mr. Super Hero!
I mean, YOU DID graduate at the tippy top of your class, didn’t you?
Or did you graduate, at all?
BUT you never really liked to study too much, did you, because studying was hard, and boring, and “just not your thing”, and besides, you were just “too smart” to need to study anyway! That was for the Nerds, Not YOU! You had better things to do, like polishing your car, or bouncing a ball, or shopping for the perfect top!
I mean, why bother studying all that dusty historical crap, or that complicated math shit, when you’re never gonna use it, or need it! Who needs that Shit! You’ve already got LIFE figured out anyway!
You see, Life is basically real Simple, right? You wax your car, play a little ball, and try to figure out how to feel up Becky Sue, or Tolafalofahsqueesha! And after you knock her up, and she traps you with a “Manhunting license”, you work your ass off the rest of your life to FEED HER. How am I doing so far?
Then you spend the first half of your married life trying to put your dick in her, and she spends the last half of your married life hoping and trying to help you get an erection. Quick, Honey, hop on, before it goes away!
Whoever thought that women would miss the Dick? They spend half their life trying to keep the dick out, and the next half trying to put it back in. Ain’t that just like a Woman? Should I drive the pink Mercedes, or the red one? I just can’t make up my mind!
Thinking! Who needs that? That’s just not your cool, hip, cut to the chase Style! Besides, you usually figure it all out in a Flash anyhow, so no sense wasting any more time on thinking than necessary, huh, Bub?
Yeah, Pal, you got all the Answers, in your tiny little head.
Bottom Line It!
So, in other words, you’re this Not So Clever Guy, with Not a Lot of Brainpower, who Didn’t Like to Study very much, was Bored by Learning, Didn’t Get good Grades, and Maybe graduated, at most, from High school, and now you’ve got the World, the Universe, AND Government, “all figured out”, and YOU Know ALL the Answers to Running things?
Simple, EASY ANSWERS, that you’ve “worked out” in Your Head, in your Super Brain, with Clockwork Mathematical Precision, like “banish the government, kill the gays, and bomb somebody?” Or “give more money to corporations, and rich people, and then get rid of all the Rules and regulations, so rich people can go NUTS in fucking the middle and working class?”
Or how about “dumping all the Toxic Shit in the air and ocean, because global warming will take care of itself,” and besides “I don’t eat much mercury poisoned Tuna Fish anyway, and besides, we all gotta die of something anyway, so it might as well be a Tuna Fish Sandwich?”
“And besides, Buckaroo, I keep my sidewalk scrupulously clean, my driveway leaf free, using gas powered, high pollution, cheap illegal, Mexican leaf blowers, and I keep my lawn perfectly GREEN, in a Fucking Waterless Desert, and that’s MY contribution to a Clean Planet! Okay? I’m doing My Part, Pal, and don’t you Forget it! Ya dick weed! I even bought a slightly smaller Splurt U-tool-ity Vee-hick-ool!”
“And I like the sound of a back yard Oil Well banging away in my neighborhood, it helps me sleep at night, and improves the air quality, by making it Thicker! Tar balls on my driveway? No sweat! Shit, that’s just Nature at Work! Just part of the Cost of Doing business! Right on, Business Partner, slap me five!”
“And when your kid gets some Weird Mutated Disease, with a flipper growing out of his eyeball, I’ll say Thank the Lord we didn’t do stem cell research, and you should just pray harder to Jesus to cure your kid! Starting now! Drop and give me Five, Soldier, you’re now one of God’s Marines!”
“And if you can’t afford the medical bills, I’ll say it was God’s Will to take your poor Kid home to See Jesus! Be thankful your Kid Died, and got to go to Heaven, and sit on God’s Throne, next to Santa Claus at the Department Store, you redundant Infidel Unbeliever!”
“And if you don’t like your Wife, move to Utah, or Saudi Arabia, and marry several women at Once, so you can Spread your Biblical Seed around more Fruitfully, ya Big fucking DICK Splat!”
For you, solving life’s Problems is just as easy as Driving your big pickup truck, or using a measuring tape, or shopping at the supermarket, or opening a page in the Bible! Easy as 1, 2, 3!
Do the Answers to Life’s Hard Questions just show up on your Name Tag, sewn onto your Sears Blue Collar Work Shirt, while you’re shampooing somebody’s carpet? Or does God, and your Super Brain, text you thru your belt beeper, or on the computer screen, at your corporate cubicle desk? Or does God just talk DIRECTLY to YOU, like thru your headphones on your Ipod? Huh, FUCKHEAD?
Or did your “highly educated” blue collar, ditch digger parents, or your rural bumpkin preacher, or the POX “News” Anchor, tell you, “Suggest” to you, or “program” your mind into what to think, as you were growing up?
I’ll give you All Day to THINK about this, since you apparently need a bit of practice. In thinking.
Git ‘er Done!
In your mind, it’s all so easy! We’ll just deal with the World, and it’s Complicated Problems, by using easy, no sweat, wrap things up, “git er done” style methods, and polish off this pesky Issue in a Jiffy, and then slap the “Done” stamp on the box as, “this Issue has been Completely and Correctly Analyzed, AND SOLVED, by a Person with Low Powered, Blue Collar, Average, to slightly above Average, Intelligence!”
Is that it? End of the Story? No need to analyze further?
No Problem! We had the Top Brains workin’ on this one! File this one under “Case Closed”!
Mr. High Powered, Blue Collar Brain Power MAN, Solves the Mystery AGAIN!
Who da thunk it!
The Common Man is a regular Sherlock Holmes! NO! A GENIUS! Joe the Plumber Deserves a McArthur Genius Grant, for political and economic poetry in motion!
And now that we have this or that Difficult Life Issue all figured out in a few minutes of Brain Time, NOW it’s time to go home, get a beer, and watch the Game! Yahoo, it’s Millertime! That Blue Collar Boy sho is Smert! Lawdy, mmm, mmm, he a reglar Geenie Us! Yas, Suh! I iz Impressticated, fo sho!
He done Solved dat problem in a Jiffy! “Blue Collar Man” did it Again!
Hoo-Ray! Slap me Five!
Reality Check.
Who the fuck do you think you are, you little Mental Pip-Squeak?
You’re this Low Powered Mental Computer! A Human with a low powered brain! AND with Bad Information, and Mistake Filled Logic, to boot! You’re about two steps above Tweety Bird, or a Monkey!
And because of that, you’re Adding everything up Incorrectly, but you can’t see that, because you’re TOO STUPID to see any Flaws in your logic, and too stupid to see the bad info you are using to base your decisions on. BUT, you think you’re right, because YOU CAN’T SEE ANY MISTAKES, in YOUR Logic, or YOUR info!
Think about this next one.
YOU’RE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO SEE THE MISTAKES IN YOUR LOGIC!
How about them Apples?
I’m sorry, I hate to have to break this to you, but there’s a reason you’re not Albert Einstein, or a rocket Scientist, and instead you’re working on an assembly line, driving a pickup truck, or slappin’ up drywall. It’s because, drum roll, you have limited Brainpower!
Or, in language you’ll understand, you’re not very bright, you just THINK you are. Or, less diplomatically, you’re average, dumb, stupid, box o rocks, hamster level. But hey, nobody is EVER gonna convince you of that! Becuz YOU Are JUST TOO SMART!
RIGHT? Mister Super Smart Guy?
New Science Discovery! Stupid People Don’t Know They’re STUPID! And That’s the Problem, in a Nutshell! Republicans Immediately See Major Opportunity to Manipulate Dumb Voters, and Takeover Country!
Do you know what’s really irritating about Stupid People? They’re just Smart Enough to think they’re smart, but not smart enough to know when they’re being stupid. Even smart people do this, but not as often as Stupid People do.
You might even be confused by these paragraphs, depending on your level of intelligence, and are saying to yourself, “I’m tired of reading this shit! Let’s go watch a ball game, and have a beer! Or, where’s that magazine with the chicks with big tits?”
Stop fucking up the world with your stupid thinking.
You know what the problem with stupid people is?
They don’t know they’re Stupid, AND they think they have the Whole World Figured Out.
And they take way too long, DECADES AND CENTURIES, to catch up with ANY Progress in Human Thought.
If we listened to Dumb People’s ideas, we’d still be back in the DARK AGES.
So get your cruel, stupid, selfish, hate filled, lard ass, out of the way of Human Progress! You’re just making everybody Suffer longer! You’re gumming up the works, making it harder to make life better, for everybody here on Earth. Got it? Or is that too difficult for your underpowered brain to understand?
Think about it, and I know that’s going to be Tough for you! So you’ll probably find a way to Not Think, or you will think Poorly and Incorrectly, and come up with the Wrong answer in the end.
But you’ll think you’re right, anyway.
But hey, that’s what stupid people do! It just comes so easily and naturally to them!
Stupid is, as lots of Stupid people are already doing.
Now Run, Forrest, Run.
And if you hurry, you just might catch up with Goober, because he’s slow too!
Pockets of Stupidity! The Swiss Cheese Brain, Creates a Swiss Cheese American Map!
The Backwards and Ignorant South, you gotta love it. The Republican Party sure does!
And Stupid People everywhere, God sure made a hell of a lot of them.
And Slow Midwesterners, and Western slow pokes, who make their living, for Christ Sake, from Selling Things to the Big Cities on the Coasts, and then turn around and think they’re better than most on the Coasts! Talk about biting the hand that feeds ya!
And let’s not forget the Cruel Rich, “the Quick Buck Jerks”, who are just out to “Quick Fuck” the planet, and get their dicks sucked, by brainless blondes who Smirk.
And how can we EVER forget Blue Collar Dumb Guys, who think they’re the Smartest Guys in the World, because they can read a Measuring Tape, but aren’t Smart Enough to Measure where their Brainpower Stops.
You can repeat that one a couple of hundred times!
And to Everyone who actually thinks they can Survive on their own, like the Original Backwoods Trapper Man, out in the woods, in a Log Cabin, without government, or Society, when, if truth be told, they Really Couldn’t Survive more than a month or two, on their own, without Civilization, Big Government, the Rule of Law, and that “Big Bustling Bee Hive” to Help them Survive. And yet, in the end, they are too Stupid to see it, or admit it.
Here’s to all the Anti-Government, No Tax, Republican “Libertarian Survivalists”, who would be the First to RESTOCK, at the Civilized Society SUPPLY Store, with more of their needed “Society Provided Supplies”, when their “end of the world” Ammo and Food runs out.
It’s their “Society Provided Supplies”, that allow them to thumb their Stupid Noses at Society, while they “survive” on their “own”, playing at being Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone, the “New” Freedom Frontier Militia Men, dressed in their 21st century Teflon Polar Tec Camouflage Hunting Suit, with the electric sock warmers, from the Chinese Hong Kong Export Outfitter Catalog, paid for with 5 easy credit card payments!
And everything else they own, in their “we don’t need Society” combo foot locker, cooler, and security safe, is made in a Factory, in a Big City, and shipped to their “Mountain Hideout” Supply Store, by Jumbo Jet, and then in a computerized FEDEX tractor trailer, on a Super Highway, and arrives on a UPS truck, tracked by satellite, and driven by a guy in a faux British Army, African safari, jungle shorts outfit.
A Hearty Roast to these hard core, “anti-Gubmint Survivalist, weekend mountain men”, these rough tuff roughing it kind of guys, who ALWAYS make sure they have enough propane gas (from a Giant Liquid Propane Super Tanker) for the mountain cabin electric generator, to power the lights, the TV, the Satellite dish, the A/C, and the meat freezer, as they live “without Society, Taxes, and Big Intrusive Gubmint”, in their Free Republic of NoTaxLandia!
Which they drive to every weekend, in their Giant, leather upholstered, Air conditioned, Sport Utility Vee-hick-ool, on the new, smooth, short cut, Super highway that shaves an hour off the trip!
And once they get there, settle in and roundly condemn the fucked up Civilized World, they then start enjoying life, free of Society’s irritating presence, and open up a case of Bud Light, or one of them fancy pants boutique beers.
“Pass that bottle of Budweiser, Earl, and the Pringle chips, and that cheesy onion chive dip! Is there any more Frozen Pizza? No? Check inside the microwave! Damn, them Keebler chocolate chip cookies is Good! Be sure to order a couple extra cases of those, for next weekend! Hand me that X-Box Video Game or the Play Station! Don’t hog it now! And wipe your greasy fingerprints off it, with them Baby Wipes I bought for your Sensitive Butt Hole! And don’t point that high tech semi-auto plastic Glock at me, with the laser range finder on it, you know how it fucks up my eyeballs!”
In the Company of Other Like Minded Believers!
And let’s not forget the cruel, unthinking, flash card, religious extremist Republicans. The “Hocus Pocus Focus on the Family” FREAKS. Denver? Utah? Why is it always SOMEWHERE in the WEST? Is it the lack of water? Or dry air, that shrivels up moist brain membranes?
Do ALL the desperate, needy, mentally weak weaklings, with low powered brains, who need Quick, Easy Answers for life’s terribly difficult questions, go West, or South? Or to fucking, OHIO? Or Worse, into the Republican, Conservative Ranks?
All these super religious Freaks, who want a top down, rigid Rule Book Authority, a Big Daddy, Big Brother, Big Religious Gubmint, a “Big Religious Dictator Gubmint”, to tell everyone how to live, what to think and believe, how often and when and where to pray, and are willing to cram it down everybody’s throat, in the name of Freedom, and Jesus, so that THEY can feel Secure in their weakness, in the COMPANY of Other Like minded BELIEVERS.
Forcing others to BELIEVE EXACTLY, as they DO!
KEY WORDS: Forcing Others, and giving No Real Fair Options! Remember that.
If that isn’t the definition of Dictatorship, the very definition of No Options, No freedom, my way, or the highway, then I don’t know what a dictator is…
And The Final Answer Is? Is a Low Powered Brain, Really a Beautiful Thing to Waste?
The Final Question is: Can you Educate and change the mind of a Frightened, Angry, Misinformed, and Uninformed, Low Brainpower Mind?
Or is it just, an Impossible Task?
This Progressive Liberal, wants to know.
“You can either Accept, or Reject this Impossible Mission, Mr. Phelps! This tape shall self destruct in 30 seconds, after you hear it!”
[Soundtrack from Mission Impossible. “Dundun, Dun Dun! Boo doo doo!]
(The sixties TV show version, not the crappy Tom Cruise piece of shit. P.S. I wrote this paragraph on Sunday, March 14, 2010. On Monday morning, the 15th, NPR radio said Actor Peter Graves had died in LA, of a heart attack, at age 83,while outside his house.
Graves played Phelps in the original Mission Impossible TV series. Spooky! Rustle of leaves and wind! Wolf howl, off in canyon distance! Grab your Bunny, jump under the Bed! Even spookier, his age is almost the SAME as the Book "1984"! Doo-doo, doo-doo, Twilight Zone Theme! Work with me here, I’m pretty much a one man band!)
The Mind Manipulation Machine! You Are Getting Sleepy! You will Do Whatever I Say! You Are My Little SEX Robot! Pull My Lever, and Vote For ME, You Dickhead!
The Rich Republicans have already discovered that manipulating a low powered voter Brain, can be to their Advantage.
It’s the Cruel, Greedy Rich (and the Low IQ masses who are manipulated by the Rich) that cause so many of the Problems that Progressive Reformers, Big Government, and doo-gooder Democrats, are forced to try and fix.
Social problems are usually Not Problems for the Rich, because their Wealth Insulates them from Society’s Problems, or, they are making MONEY from the Problems! In either case, the rich always want to avoid being taxed for helping to deal with any social problems, because it cuts into their bottom line.
It’s the Irresponsible Rich People, who want to play without Regard for the Costs and Effects on others, and without regard for the Future, who usually create A Big Fucking Mess, in need of cleanup, in Aisle three, and all over the “supermarket” of Life.
And then Mom, the Responsible one, yes, “big government Mom”, otherwise known as Liberal Reformer “Mom”, has to come in, set some Rules, and clean up after the wild, irresponsible, Republican “party”, that has either burnt down the Financial House, shit on the carpet, or avoided being responsible for the Social Costs of their Actions, until the Problems have grown so big they can’t be Ignored anymore by the Democracy.
The Pain has to spread so deep and wide, to SO Many People, that finally the Slow Creaky Democracy will finally awake, and ACT.
Big Baby Wants a Giant Splurt U-Tool-ity VeeHickool, with FREE GAS! I Want My Maypo! Why Can’t I Have It ALL, for Nothing, and Chicks for FREE?
And that’s YOU, Pal! That’s YOU! You wanna play without supervision, do whatever you want, crayon on the walls, vomit toxic waste on the carpet, play with matches and burn down the house, and then let somebody else pick up the pieces, and pay for the costs of cleaning up, or scream that the Cleanup will cost too much and raise your Taxes, after you created the mess!
WHY? Because You’re just a big fucking BABY, who’s Mad he can’t have everything he wants, whenever he wants it!
WAAAH! Where’s my Lollipop? I’m a Big, Irresponsible BABY! I don’t wanna eat Carrots, I just want chocolate Cookies, All the Time!
I want Electricity, AND Clean Air! I want highways and huge homes, AND no Suburban Sprawl! I want Government Services, safe bridges, and police, but NO Taxes! I want a bigger paycheck, but the Corporations won’t Pay me anymore! I want freedom and democracy, but I don’t want to VOTE, or make an effort to be properly informed! Waaah! I’m just a big BABY!
So here, ya Big Baby, stick this dick Pacifier in your Stupid Mouth, and SUCK ON IT! Maybe you’ll learn some Impulse Control, and how to Behave, and get along with others! And learn to not hurt the other children at school. Do you think you can do that? Or are you just a big Juvenile Republican Delinquent?
The Bi-Polar, Schizophrenic, Conservative Republican. Fuck Society, Use It, and Discard It, Like a Sticky, Used, Cash Condom!
Yeah, that’s the bi-polar, schizophrenic Republican mantra, “Rules are for other people, but not for me! Rules just get in the way of ME getting all that I want, as fast as possible!”
I’m the Center of MY Universe! WHO ARE YOU to impose Rules on me getting Rich as fast as possible? Huh? Who the fuck are you to Stop me from doing whatever the Fuck I WANT?? IT’S ALL ABOUT ME! DON’T YOU GET IT? FUCK SOCIETY!
YOU’RE JUST A PIECE OF SHIT, ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE, AND IN MY WAY! GOT IT?
YOU’RE JUST A PERSON, and PEOPLE DON’T COUNT any more! ONLY MONEY COUNTS! People aren’t People! According to the new Cash Supreme Court Decision, Corporations are now People! Corporations are now EQUAL to people! A corporation has the same rights as you do! A corporation is more important than you! YOU’RE JUST CRAP TO BE USED, AND ABUSED, AND THEN THROWN AWAY!
You’re just PART OF THE PRODUCTION PROCESS, to help the Rich GET RICHER, as FAST as POSSIBLE! You’re just a DISPOSABLE MACHINE, an INTERCHANGEABLE PART, a ROBOT! YOU’RE NOT A PERSON! A Corporation is a Person! Not YOU!
What would ever make you think you’re a person? You’re a BOT! A Robot, that I can use, to help me get Rich, as quickly as possible! Understand? You’re ROBOT BOY!
Wind you up, give you some hamster pellets, and then throw you away! Throw you on the discard scrap pile! You’re just “Waste Production Material”!
And YOU thought you were a PERSON! HA! Is that your little Self delusion Placebo Pill? How many of those do you take in a Week? Hamster ROBOT Boy?
No, there isn’t anything more to understand! That’s it, in a nutshell, okay? I need you only so far as you can help me get rich! There are no more questions!
It’s really THAT SIMPLE! And what’s wrong with that? Hmm? CAN’T YOU SEE? What the fuck is wrong with that? That’s the way it’s SUPPOSED to be! And don’t you try and fucking change it!
Because I’m a CONSERVATIVE, and the ONLY thing I’m interested in CONSERVING is, MY CASH, MY PROPERTY, the CURRENT SYSTEM, and my current lofty, heartless, soulless, Uncaring Position, in the current Social, and Monetary System!
Got it, ROBOT BOY?
Now bend over, cuz I’m gonna grease up your anal tube, with this republican anal lube, and then I’m gonna stick my BIG Conservative Cock, Up your Butt, so you’ll work better, as the good little machine you are!
And then you can tell Mr. Big Daddy, how much you like it! Huh, my little Poopsie Woopsie?
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Poor World! God has Blessed you with such a Vast Over-Supply of Stupidity and Greed, all so Unjustly Undeserved!
Next week: “Will Republicans, and the Christian Right, be able to Raise the Confederacy from the Dead?” Interview with Confederate General Robert E. Lee, from the Great Beyond, in the first televised, Evangelical, Born Again, Racist Mystic, Clairvoyant Séance Session, and Plantation Tea Party!
Followed by an interview with Pastor Prick “Arrested” Warrant, of the Saddledork Mountain Hump Looney Bin Church, author of the Best selling book, “My Life is Without Purpose, If I Can’t Force You to Believe in Jesus!”
Aahh! The narrow, one track minds of Republicans, and Looney tune Religious Freaks!
Predictable! Sadly, so predictable. See ‘em coming a mile down the track.
Woo! Woo! Here come dee Republican Loco Motives now!
Now stopping at No Rules Greed City, and God’s Dictator Village!
Get your Ticket, get on board, say goodbye to Freedom, cuz there ain’t no comin’ back!
Chugga…chugga…chugga!
Wooo! Wooo!
Ding-ding-ding! Ding a ling a ding!
Put some more oil and books on that fire! We getting up a good head of Steam now! Yas Suh! Old Crazy Casey Jones coming down the track now, he’ll beat back Progress!
Old Casey, in his Steam Cleaning Mental Engine, he’ll beat back the FUTURE! Next stop, toot-toot, Luddite City! Weekly Book Burnings! Clang the church Bell! And barbecued Unbelievers, burned at the Stake!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now! We got ways to make you Hate!
Join the Conservative Christian Republican Party!
We’ll keep ya lined up at Hell’s Gate!
Whoo, Woo! Clang, clang! Toot, toot!
Coming through!
Full Steam ahead!
Don’t Stop at Heaven,
Or we’ll be really Late!
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Gateway to a Mental Cleaning!
Shampoo Your Brain.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Let Jesus tell ya who to Hate!
Let Jesus tell ya who to kill!
Let Rich Republicans tell ya,
what part of Society,
we should Discard,
and Waste!
Them Christian Republicans,
They’ll love ya,
just way Too Late.
* * *
What is it about that, Southern Fried Goober Man, that you don’t get? How many Centuries is it gonna take you, to catch up, to the rest of America? Or are you just gonna try and live, in the Bad, Old, Past?
Run, Forrest, Run! The Future is Coming!
But…but…but, I don’t want it to come!
No buts!
But the Future has it all Wrong! It’s the opposite of Everything I ever Believed in!
Everything the Future has brought has made things WORSE! Progress has Screwed Everything Up!
We have to go back to the Bad, Old Past!
Wait, now I’m Confused! Hold on a second while I think about this! This is a lot more confusing than I thought!
Wait! The Republicans said it was Real Simple, and all I had to do was Vote for them!
Are You Sure?
Are you sure Niggers are Inferior?
Are you sure Gays choose to be gay, and aren’t born that way?
Are you sure women are not as Smart as men, and should stay Home and Not Vote? Are you sure you want to keep women barefoot, married and pregnant, and Under your Thumb, and not let them have alternate ways to Survive and Contribute to Society?
Are you sure an “unregulated market with no rules”, and little enforcement of existing rules, is the best way to keep Giant Corporations Honest, people Employed, and their money Safe?
Are you sure a Tax Cut for Rich People, solves Everything, and truly “unleashes the Power of Capitalism”, or does it just make rich people richer?
Are you sure you are getting the Real Truth, and the Whole Truth, from the Corporate Controlled TV News?
Did you even know that Monopoly Style Corporations now control all the major news outlets, shaping the “Truth” you see, deciding what to tell you, or Not tell you, on the “news“?
Who Can You Trust?
Are you sure your Senator and Congressman are helping You, or are they really just listening to the Corporate Lobbyists, and letting them Screw you?
Are you sure you can trust Big Businessmen, to NOT give you the Short end of the stick?
Are you sure that Big Insurance Companies, give you the “best” Health Care, at the “best” price?
Are you sure Insurance Companies aren’t ALREADY a “Big Corporate Bureaucracy”, intruding into your life, and telling you what to do?
Are you sure Insurance Companies aren’t Trying to Deny you health services, so they can save a Buck and make a Bigger Profit?
Are you sure you will Always have a Job, and be able to get Healthcare from the Job?
Do you think you are just “too valuable” to be fired, and “too good” not to be quickly Rehired by somebody else, so you’ll always have Health Care through a job?
Or, could you actually Lose your job, and Lose your health care, Forever?
Have you ever thought this far ahead?
Forever? You Mean Like, Permanently? No Way, Dude!
Think about it. If you, or a family member, have a pre-existing condition, a new job might not hire you, because YOU and your family, will raise the group premium the company has to pay! They’ll hire the less expensive employee, applying for the job!
Think you’ll get Private Insurance? Think again Buckwheat! Private insurance companies will also not take you, with a pre-existing condition, and if they do, the premium will be Thousands of dollars out of your salary, even if you are “basically” healthy.
So, can you really Predict your future employment, your future health, and your future Coverage?
Have you ever even thought about all this? Have you connected the dots, four or five chess moves ahead?
Do you even care, as you look at your wife, and kiddies, across the breakfast table, as they munch on their Scrunchy Munchies? Hmm?
Are you really sure the Cold hearted “free market” is really gonna give a shit, a rat’s ass, a flyin’ fuck, about You and Your Twinky Fuck family, when push comes to Crunch Time? Huh, Mr. “Free Market Man”?
Try getting health care when nobody will Cover You! Or didn’t you think of that, Mr. Super Smart Master of the Universe! You might have to sell your House, dump the college education fund, and the retirement savings to Pay for the medical Bills!
And that blonde spoiled wife of yours, might not think you’re so great any more, and she’ll stop humping your stupid ass, and divorce you, for being a crappy Provider, now that you’ve had to move to a piece of shit Apartment, where you can hear your neighbors FART thru the Walls! And you’ll be left jerking your own dick, to relieve your job stress, ya stupid “unregulated free market” dick!
Big Corporate versus Big Gubmint!
Are you sure you want Corporations to run things? Corporations that screw you, intrude in your lives, tell you what to do, take money out of your pocket, and are almost impossible to change, and only care about Profit as their Prophet, and Not You?
Or would you rather deal with a government that isn’t Deliberately out to screw you? It may be less Efficient, but Not always, and it does take taxes out of your pocket, but YOU CAN FIX any problems that crop up, by a little thing called “Voting”. With corporations, they all do the same thing, and you’re stuck, and Fucked, and you can’t change them.
Are you really sure Rush Limbaugh is a reliable source of information and facts, since he works for a GIANT Corporation, and is paid tons of money to say what he says, all nice and secure with HIS health care, as a paid mouthpiece for BIG Corporate Money?
How Smart Are You?
Are you sure you really “have it all figured out”, with your high school level Brain Power, as you watch the world from your tiny little perch, in your tiny little tree, with your Big Plasma Screen TV?
Are you sure you are really Smart enough to understand and run the Whole World, with your blue collar high school education, where you got C’s, and didn’t pay a whole lot of attention in class, cuz you were bored, and college for you was a couple of courses you took in Welding or Food Management? And you think Rhode Island is actually an island, and not a state?
Are you sure you are thinking, as Hard as you can, about all these Confusing, Life Issues?
Or did you just come to a Quick, Simple, and Easy Answer, so you didn’t have to think anymore, because thinking is hard, and you wanted to get back to your Soap Opera, or your football game?
Are you sure your Logic and Facts are Correct?
Are you sure your Brain is smart enough, to really Figure it all out?
Or are you just Repeating what someone told you?
Thinking Can Be Harder, Than YOU Think!
Top quality thinking is Hard, Difficult, and Frustrating.
And you seem to think that “Thinking is Easy”! (Well, maybe it is for you, if your mind is not that powerful, or complicated, or capable!)
I’ll bet you think you’re Smarter than most people in the World, and that you’re highly qualified to analyze these Difficult World Life Issues! Am I right?
Come on, admit it, Mr. Super Hero!
I mean, YOU DID graduate at the tippy top of your class, didn’t you?
Or did you graduate, at all?
BUT you never really liked to study too much, did you, because studying was hard, and boring, and “just not your thing”, and besides, you were just “too smart” to need to study anyway! That was for the Nerds, Not YOU! You had better things to do, like polishing your car, or bouncing a ball, or shopping for the perfect top!
I mean, why bother studying all that dusty historical crap, or that complicated math shit, when you’re never gonna use it, or need it! Who needs that Shit! You’ve already got LIFE figured out anyway!
You see, Life is basically real Simple, right? You wax your car, play a little ball, and try to figure out how to feel up Becky Sue, or Tolafalofahsqueesha! And after you knock her up, and she traps you with a “Manhunting license”, you work your ass off the rest of your life to FEED HER. How am I doing so far?
Then you spend the first half of your married life trying to put your dick in her, and she spends the last half of your married life hoping and trying to help you get an erection. Quick, Honey, hop on, before it goes away!
Whoever thought that women would miss the Dick? They spend half their life trying to keep the dick out, and the next half trying to put it back in. Ain’t that just like a Woman? Should I drive the pink Mercedes, or the red one? I just can’t make up my mind!
Thinking! Who needs that? That’s just not your cool, hip, cut to the chase Style! Besides, you usually figure it all out in a Flash anyhow, so no sense wasting any more time on thinking than necessary, huh, Bub?
Yeah, Pal, you got all the Answers, in your tiny little head.
Bottom Line It!
So, in other words, you’re this Not So Clever Guy, with Not a Lot of Brainpower, who Didn’t Like to Study very much, was Bored by Learning, Didn’t Get good Grades, and Maybe graduated, at most, from High school, and now you’ve got the World, the Universe, AND Government, “all figured out”, and YOU Know ALL the Answers to Running things?
Simple, EASY ANSWERS, that you’ve “worked out” in Your Head, in your Super Brain, with Clockwork Mathematical Precision, like “banish the government, kill the gays, and bomb somebody?” Or “give more money to corporations, and rich people, and then get rid of all the Rules and regulations, so rich people can go NUTS in fucking the middle and working class?”
Or how about “dumping all the Toxic Shit in the air and ocean, because global warming will take care of itself,” and besides “I don’t eat much mercury poisoned Tuna Fish anyway, and besides, we all gotta die of something anyway, so it might as well be a Tuna Fish Sandwich?”
“And besides, Buckaroo, I keep my sidewalk scrupulously clean, my driveway leaf free, using gas powered, high pollution, cheap illegal, Mexican leaf blowers, and I keep my lawn perfectly GREEN, in a Fucking Waterless Desert, and that’s MY contribution to a Clean Planet! Okay? I’m doing My Part, Pal, and don’t you Forget it! Ya dick weed! I even bought a slightly smaller Splurt U-tool-ity Vee-hick-ool!”
“And I like the sound of a back yard Oil Well banging away in my neighborhood, it helps me sleep at night, and improves the air quality, by making it Thicker! Tar balls on my driveway? No sweat! Shit, that’s just Nature at Work! Just part of the Cost of Doing business! Right on, Business Partner, slap me five!”
“And when your kid gets some Weird Mutated Disease, with a flipper growing out of his eyeball, I’ll say Thank the Lord we didn’t do stem cell research, and you should just pray harder to Jesus to cure your kid! Starting now! Drop and give me Five, Soldier, you’re now one of God’s Marines!”
“And if you can’t afford the medical bills, I’ll say it was God’s Will to take your poor Kid home to See Jesus! Be thankful your Kid Died, and got to go to Heaven, and sit on God’s Throne, next to Santa Claus at the Department Store, you redundant Infidel Unbeliever!”
“And if you don’t like your Wife, move to Utah, or Saudi Arabia, and marry several women at Once, so you can Spread your Biblical Seed around more Fruitfully, ya Big fucking DICK Splat!”
For you, solving life’s Problems is just as easy as Driving your big pickup truck, or using a measuring tape, or shopping at the supermarket, or opening a page in the Bible! Easy as 1, 2, 3!
Do the Answers to Life’s Hard Questions just show up on your Name Tag, sewn onto your Sears Blue Collar Work Shirt, while you’re shampooing somebody’s carpet? Or does God, and your Super Brain, text you thru your belt beeper, or on the computer screen, at your corporate cubicle desk? Or does God just talk DIRECTLY to YOU, like thru your headphones on your Ipod? Huh, FUCKHEAD?
Or did your “highly educated” blue collar, ditch digger parents, or your rural bumpkin preacher, or the POX “News” Anchor, tell you, “Suggest” to you, or “program” your mind into what to think, as you were growing up?
I’ll give you All Day to THINK about this, since you apparently need a bit of practice. In thinking.
Git ‘er Done!
In your mind, it’s all so easy! We’ll just deal with the World, and it’s Complicated Problems, by using easy, no sweat, wrap things up, “git er done” style methods, and polish off this pesky Issue in a Jiffy, and then slap the “Done” stamp on the box as, “this Issue has been Completely and Correctly Analyzed, AND SOLVED, by a Person with Low Powered, Blue Collar, Average, to slightly above Average, Intelligence!”
Is that it? End of the Story? No need to analyze further?
No Problem! We had the Top Brains workin’ on this one! File this one under “Case Closed”!
Mr. High Powered, Blue Collar Brain Power MAN, Solves the Mystery AGAIN!
Who da thunk it!
The Common Man is a regular Sherlock Holmes! NO! A GENIUS! Joe the Plumber Deserves a McArthur Genius Grant, for political and economic poetry in motion!
And now that we have this or that Difficult Life Issue all figured out in a few minutes of Brain Time, NOW it’s time to go home, get a beer, and watch the Game! Yahoo, it’s Millertime! That Blue Collar Boy sho is Smert! Lawdy, mmm, mmm, he a reglar Geenie Us! Yas, Suh! I iz Impressticated, fo sho!
He done Solved dat problem in a Jiffy! “Blue Collar Man” did it Again!
Hoo-Ray! Slap me Five!
Reality Check.
Who the fuck do you think you are, you little Mental Pip-Squeak?
You’re this Low Powered Mental Computer! A Human with a low powered brain! AND with Bad Information, and Mistake Filled Logic, to boot! You’re about two steps above Tweety Bird, or a Monkey!
And because of that, you’re Adding everything up Incorrectly, but you can’t see that, because you’re TOO STUPID to see any Flaws in your logic, and too stupid to see the bad info you are using to base your decisions on. BUT, you think you’re right, because YOU CAN’T SEE ANY MISTAKES, in YOUR Logic, or YOUR info!
Think about this next one.
YOU’RE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO SEE THE MISTAKES IN YOUR LOGIC!
How about them Apples?
I’m sorry, I hate to have to break this to you, but there’s a reason you’re not Albert Einstein, or a rocket Scientist, and instead you’re working on an assembly line, driving a pickup truck, or slappin’ up drywall. It’s because, drum roll, you have limited Brainpower!
Or, in language you’ll understand, you’re not very bright, you just THINK you are. Or, less diplomatically, you’re average, dumb, stupid, box o rocks, hamster level. But hey, nobody is EVER gonna convince you of that! Becuz YOU Are JUST TOO SMART!
RIGHT? Mister Super Smart Guy?
New Science Discovery! Stupid People Don’t Know They’re STUPID! And That’s the Problem, in a Nutshell! Republicans Immediately See Major Opportunity to Manipulate Dumb Voters, and Takeover Country!
Do you know what’s really irritating about Stupid People? They’re just Smart Enough to think they’re smart, but not smart enough to know when they’re being stupid. Even smart people do this, but not as often as Stupid People do.
You might even be confused by these paragraphs, depending on your level of intelligence, and are saying to yourself, “I’m tired of reading this shit! Let’s go watch a ball game, and have a beer! Or, where’s that magazine with the chicks with big tits?”
Stop fucking up the world with your stupid thinking.
You know what the problem with stupid people is?
They don’t know they’re Stupid, AND they think they have the Whole World Figured Out.
And they take way too long, DECADES AND CENTURIES, to catch up with ANY Progress in Human Thought.
If we listened to Dumb People’s ideas, we’d still be back in the DARK AGES.
So get your cruel, stupid, selfish, hate filled, lard ass, out of the way of Human Progress! You’re just making everybody Suffer longer! You’re gumming up the works, making it harder to make life better, for everybody here on Earth. Got it? Or is that too difficult for your underpowered brain to understand?
Think about it, and I know that’s going to be Tough for you! So you’ll probably find a way to Not Think, or you will think Poorly and Incorrectly, and come up with the Wrong answer in the end.
But you’ll think you’re right, anyway.
But hey, that’s what stupid people do! It just comes so easily and naturally to them!
Stupid is, as lots of Stupid people are already doing.
Now Run, Forrest, Run.
And if you hurry, you just might catch up with Goober, because he’s slow too!
Pockets of Stupidity! The Swiss Cheese Brain, Creates a Swiss Cheese American Map!
The Backwards and Ignorant South, you gotta love it. The Republican Party sure does!
And Stupid People everywhere, God sure made a hell of a lot of them.
And Slow Midwesterners, and Western slow pokes, who make their living, for Christ Sake, from Selling Things to the Big Cities on the Coasts, and then turn around and think they’re better than most on the Coasts! Talk about biting the hand that feeds ya!
And let’s not forget the Cruel Rich, “the Quick Buck Jerks”, who are just out to “Quick Fuck” the planet, and get their dicks sucked, by brainless blondes who Smirk.
And how can we EVER forget Blue Collar Dumb Guys, who think they’re the Smartest Guys in the World, because they can read a Measuring Tape, but aren’t Smart Enough to Measure where their Brainpower Stops.
You can repeat that one a couple of hundred times!
And to Everyone who actually thinks they can Survive on their own, like the Original Backwoods Trapper Man, out in the woods, in a Log Cabin, without government, or Society, when, if truth be told, they Really Couldn’t Survive more than a month or two, on their own, without Civilization, Big Government, the Rule of Law, and that “Big Bustling Bee Hive” to Help them Survive. And yet, in the end, they are too Stupid to see it, or admit it.
Here’s to all the Anti-Government, No Tax, Republican “Libertarian Survivalists”, who would be the First to RESTOCK, at the Civilized Society SUPPLY Store, with more of their needed “Society Provided Supplies”, when their “end of the world” Ammo and Food runs out.
It’s their “Society Provided Supplies”, that allow them to thumb their Stupid Noses at Society, while they “survive” on their “own”, playing at being Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone, the “New” Freedom Frontier Militia Men, dressed in their 21st century Teflon Polar Tec Camouflage Hunting Suit, with the electric sock warmers, from the Chinese Hong Kong Export Outfitter Catalog, paid for with 5 easy credit card payments!
And everything else they own, in their “we don’t need Society” combo foot locker, cooler, and security safe, is made in a Factory, in a Big City, and shipped to their “Mountain Hideout” Supply Store, by Jumbo Jet, and then in a computerized FEDEX tractor trailer, on a Super Highway, and arrives on a UPS truck, tracked by satellite, and driven by a guy in a faux British Army, African safari, jungle shorts outfit.
A Hearty Roast to these hard core, “anti-Gubmint Survivalist, weekend mountain men”, these rough tuff roughing it kind of guys, who ALWAYS make sure they have enough propane gas (from a Giant Liquid Propane Super Tanker) for the mountain cabin electric generator, to power the lights, the TV, the Satellite dish, the A/C, and the meat freezer, as they live “without Society, Taxes, and Big Intrusive Gubmint”, in their Free Republic of NoTaxLandia!
Which they drive to every weekend, in their Giant, leather upholstered, Air conditioned, Sport Utility Vee-hick-ool, on the new, smooth, short cut, Super highway that shaves an hour off the trip!
And once they get there, settle in and roundly condemn the fucked up Civilized World, they then start enjoying life, free of Society’s irritating presence, and open up a case of Bud Light, or one of them fancy pants boutique beers.
“Pass that bottle of Budweiser, Earl, and the Pringle chips, and that cheesy onion chive dip! Is there any more Frozen Pizza? No? Check inside the microwave! Damn, them Keebler chocolate chip cookies is Good! Be sure to order a couple extra cases of those, for next weekend! Hand me that X-Box Video Game or the Play Station! Don’t hog it now! And wipe your greasy fingerprints off it, with them Baby Wipes I bought for your Sensitive Butt Hole! And don’t point that high tech semi-auto plastic Glock at me, with the laser range finder on it, you know how it fucks up my eyeballs!”
In the Company of Other Like Minded Believers!
And let’s not forget the cruel, unthinking, flash card, religious extremist Republicans. The “Hocus Pocus Focus on the Family” FREAKS. Denver? Utah? Why is it always SOMEWHERE in the WEST? Is it the lack of water? Or dry air, that shrivels up moist brain membranes?
Do ALL the desperate, needy, mentally weak weaklings, with low powered brains, who need Quick, Easy Answers for life’s terribly difficult questions, go West, or South? Or to fucking, OHIO? Or Worse, into the Republican, Conservative Ranks?
All these super religious Freaks, who want a top down, rigid Rule Book Authority, a Big Daddy, Big Brother, Big Religious Gubmint, a “Big Religious Dictator Gubmint”, to tell everyone how to live, what to think and believe, how often and when and where to pray, and are willing to cram it down everybody’s throat, in the name of Freedom, and Jesus, so that THEY can feel Secure in their weakness, in the COMPANY of Other Like minded BELIEVERS.
Forcing others to BELIEVE EXACTLY, as they DO!
KEY WORDS: Forcing Others, and giving No Real Fair Options! Remember that.
If that isn’t the definition of Dictatorship, the very definition of No Options, No freedom, my way, or the highway, then I don’t know what a dictator is…
And The Final Answer Is? Is a Low Powered Brain, Really a Beautiful Thing to Waste?
The Final Question is: Can you Educate and change the mind of a Frightened, Angry, Misinformed, and Uninformed, Low Brainpower Mind?
Or is it just, an Impossible Task?
This Progressive Liberal, wants to know.
“You can either Accept, or Reject this Impossible Mission, Mr. Phelps! This tape shall self destruct in 30 seconds, after you hear it!”
[Soundtrack from Mission Impossible. “Dundun, Dun Dun! Boo doo doo!]
(The sixties TV show version, not the crappy Tom Cruise piece of shit. P.S. I wrote this paragraph on Sunday, March 14, 2010. On Monday morning, the 15th, NPR radio said Actor Peter Graves had died in LA, of a heart attack, at age 83,while outside his house.
Graves played Phelps in the original Mission Impossible TV series. Spooky! Rustle of leaves and wind! Wolf howl, off in canyon distance! Grab your Bunny, jump under the Bed! Even spookier, his age is almost the SAME as the Book "1984"! Doo-doo, doo-doo, Twilight Zone Theme! Work with me here, I’m pretty much a one man band!)
The Mind Manipulation Machine! You Are Getting Sleepy! You will Do Whatever I Say! You Are My Little SEX Robot! Pull My Lever, and Vote For ME, You Dickhead!
The Rich Republicans have already discovered that manipulating a low powered voter Brain, can be to their Advantage.
It’s the Cruel, Greedy Rich (and the Low IQ masses who are manipulated by the Rich) that cause so many of the Problems that Progressive Reformers, Big Government, and doo-gooder Democrats, are forced to try and fix.
Social problems are usually Not Problems for the Rich, because their Wealth Insulates them from Society’s Problems, or, they are making MONEY from the Problems! In either case, the rich always want to avoid being taxed for helping to deal with any social problems, because it cuts into their bottom line.
It’s the Irresponsible Rich People, who want to play without Regard for the Costs and Effects on others, and without regard for the Future, who usually create A Big Fucking Mess, in need of cleanup, in Aisle three, and all over the “supermarket” of Life.
And then Mom, the Responsible one, yes, “big government Mom”, otherwise known as Liberal Reformer “Mom”, has to come in, set some Rules, and clean up after the wild, irresponsible, Republican “party”, that has either burnt down the Financial House, shit on the carpet, or avoided being responsible for the Social Costs of their Actions, until the Problems have grown so big they can’t be Ignored anymore by the Democracy.
The Pain has to spread so deep and wide, to SO Many People, that finally the Slow Creaky Democracy will finally awake, and ACT.
Big Baby Wants a Giant Splurt U-Tool-ity VeeHickool, with FREE GAS! I Want My Maypo! Why Can’t I Have It ALL, for Nothing, and Chicks for FREE?
And that’s YOU, Pal! That’s YOU! You wanna play without supervision, do whatever you want, crayon on the walls, vomit toxic waste on the carpet, play with matches and burn down the house, and then let somebody else pick up the pieces, and pay for the costs of cleaning up, or scream that the Cleanup will cost too much and raise your Taxes, after you created the mess!
WHY? Because You’re just a big fucking BABY, who’s Mad he can’t have everything he wants, whenever he wants it!
WAAAH! Where’s my Lollipop? I’m a Big, Irresponsible BABY! I don’t wanna eat Carrots, I just want chocolate Cookies, All the Time!
I want Electricity, AND Clean Air! I want highways and huge homes, AND no Suburban Sprawl! I want Government Services, safe bridges, and police, but NO Taxes! I want a bigger paycheck, but the Corporations won’t Pay me anymore! I want freedom and democracy, but I don’t want to VOTE, or make an effort to be properly informed! Waaah! I’m just a big BABY!
So here, ya Big Baby, stick this dick Pacifier in your Stupid Mouth, and SUCK ON IT! Maybe you’ll learn some Impulse Control, and how to Behave, and get along with others! And learn to not hurt the other children at school. Do you think you can do that? Or are you just a big Juvenile Republican Delinquent?
The Bi-Polar, Schizophrenic, Conservative Republican. Fuck Society, Use It, and Discard It, Like a Sticky, Used, Cash Condom!
Yeah, that’s the bi-polar, schizophrenic Republican mantra, “Rules are for other people, but not for me! Rules just get in the way of ME getting all that I want, as fast as possible!”
I’m the Center of MY Universe! WHO ARE YOU to impose Rules on me getting Rich as fast as possible? Huh? Who the fuck are you to Stop me from doing whatever the Fuck I WANT?? IT’S ALL ABOUT ME! DON’T YOU GET IT? FUCK SOCIETY!
YOU’RE JUST A PIECE OF SHIT, ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE, AND IN MY WAY! GOT IT?
YOU’RE JUST A PERSON, and PEOPLE DON’T COUNT any more! ONLY MONEY COUNTS! People aren’t People! According to the new Cash Supreme Court Decision, Corporations are now People! Corporations are now EQUAL to people! A corporation has the same rights as you do! A corporation is more important than you! YOU’RE JUST CRAP TO BE USED, AND ABUSED, AND THEN THROWN AWAY!
You’re just PART OF THE PRODUCTION PROCESS, to help the Rich GET RICHER, as FAST as POSSIBLE! You’re just a DISPOSABLE MACHINE, an INTERCHANGEABLE PART, a ROBOT! YOU’RE NOT A PERSON! A Corporation is a Person! Not YOU!
What would ever make you think you’re a person? You’re a BOT! A Robot, that I can use, to help me get Rich, as quickly as possible! Understand? You’re ROBOT BOY!
Wind you up, give you some hamster pellets, and then throw you away! Throw you on the discard scrap pile! You’re just “Waste Production Material”!
And YOU thought you were a PERSON! HA! Is that your little Self delusion Placebo Pill? How many of those do you take in a Week? Hamster ROBOT Boy?
No, there isn’t anything more to understand! That’s it, in a nutshell, okay? I need you only so far as you can help me get rich! There are no more questions!
It’s really THAT SIMPLE! And what’s wrong with that? Hmm? CAN’T YOU SEE? What the fuck is wrong with that? That’s the way it’s SUPPOSED to be! And don’t you try and fucking change it!
Because I’m a CONSERVATIVE, and the ONLY thing I’m interested in CONSERVING is, MY CASH, MY PROPERTY, the CURRENT SYSTEM, and my current lofty, heartless, soulless, Uncaring Position, in the current Social, and Monetary System!
Got it, ROBOT BOY?
Now bend over, cuz I’m gonna grease up your anal tube, with this republican anal lube, and then I’m gonna stick my BIG Conservative Cock, Up your Butt, so you’ll work better, as the good little machine you are!
And then you can tell Mr. Big Daddy, how much you like it! Huh, my little Poopsie Woopsie?
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Poor World! God has Blessed you with such a Vast Over-Supply of Stupidity and Greed, all so Unjustly Undeserved!
Next week: “Will Republicans, and the Christian Right, be able to Raise the Confederacy from the Dead?” Interview with Confederate General Robert E. Lee, from the Great Beyond, in the first televised, Evangelical, Born Again, Racist Mystic, Clairvoyant Séance Session, and Plantation Tea Party!
Followed by an interview with Pastor Prick “Arrested” Warrant, of the Saddledork Mountain Hump Looney Bin Church, author of the Best selling book, “My Life is Without Purpose, If I Can’t Force You to Believe in Jesus!”
Aahh! The narrow, one track minds of Republicans, and Looney tune Religious Freaks!
Predictable! Sadly, so predictable. See ‘em coming a mile down the track.
Woo! Woo! Here come dee Republican Loco Motives now!
Now stopping at No Rules Greed City, and God’s Dictator Village!
Get your Ticket, get on board, say goodbye to Freedom, cuz there ain’t no comin’ back!
Chugga…chugga…chugga!
Wooo! Wooo!
Ding-ding-ding! Ding a ling a ding!
Put some more oil and books on that fire! We getting up a good head of Steam now! Yas Suh! Old Crazy Casey Jones coming down the track now, he’ll beat back Progress!
Old Casey, in his Steam Cleaning Mental Engine, he’ll beat back the FUTURE! Next stop, toot-toot, Luddite City! Weekly Book Burnings! Clang the church Bell! And barbecued Unbelievers, burned at the Stake!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now! We got ways to make you Hate!
Join the Conservative Christian Republican Party!
We’ll keep ya lined up at Hell’s Gate!
Whoo, Woo! Clang, clang! Toot, toot!
Coming through!
Full Steam ahead!
Don’t Stop at Heaven,
Or we’ll be really Late!
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Gateway to a Mental Cleaning!
Shampoo Your Brain.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Let Jesus tell ya who to Hate!
Let Jesus tell ya who to kill!
Let Rich Republicans tell ya,
what part of Society,
we should Discard,
and Waste!
Them Christian Republicans,
They’ll love ya,
just way Too Late.
* * *
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