Lifeboats, Anyone? Tennis? Cake?
Lifeboats? Who Needs Lifeboats? You Fool, We Designed this Financial Ship To NEVER SINK!
Who Needs a Lifeboat, When the Ship Can’t Sink! Good God, Man, Come to Your Bloody Senses! This Ship Was Made From a Pure “Derivative” of Helium! It’s Lighter Than Air, Or Water!
Don’t Be a Daft Blighter! It’s Lighter, Than a Vile and Bilious Bubble of Bile! It Can NEVER SINK! Even If It Bumped Into a Big Wall Street Dick’s Cigar Lighter!
It Could Crash Maybe! But That’s a Different Story! Sink? HA! Never!
Full Steam Ahead! I’m Going Below to Catch Some Shut Eye! Wake Me If Anything Unusual Pops Up!
Aye-aye, Captain!
* * *
Iceberg Alley!
[ A Little While Later. ]
Holy Christ! Iceberg Dead Ahead! Lookout!
Ka-BLAM! SCHREEEEEEEEEEECH! FLUNGLE, BUNGLE, ZOOOOOORRRBBB!
HIIIISSSSSSSSS! BLOOP! Ka- Floooom!
Full Stop!
Aye- aye, Sir!
Sir! Admiral Walt (“Old Dead Eye Dick Kevorkian”) Street! What shall we do, Oh Captain, My Captain? Will You Assist Us in Our Economic Suicide, Sir, and Help Us Sink Now?
Man the Lifeboats! Admirals, Captains and Bankers First, Citizens Last! Throw the Women and Children Overboard! The Citizens MUST Go Down With the Ship! Shred the Documents! Where’s my Rubber Ducky?
NYT Headline: Wall Street Bankers Too Fat Too Sink! Survive on Check Bounce, “Float”, and Oil/Mayo/Buttered Sandwich “Life Preservers” That Float on Ocean Surface!
Q: Why Give a Bonus, to the Guys that “Boned Us”, at the Tax Payer Bailed Out Banks? Where’s My Cut, For Saving Their Fat Wall Street Asses?
Ouch! Why Does My Ass Hurt So Much? What Is It Chicks Say After a Good Fucking? “I Can Hardly WALK, he fucked me too well!”
Tax Their Bonus, Fo’ Sho’ Buckwheat! And Send ME the April 15th Refund Check! And Use It To Help Pay for Health Care!
Advice: Remember, “Mister Super Clever, Finance Idiot White Boy”, that Big Fat White Thing, in Front of the Ship, Is An ICEBERG!
It’s Not Another Blubbery Wall Street Trader, From Brooklyn! So Don’t Put Your Big Fat Dick In It, Okay! Steer Around It! Just Hump the Bags of Gold, in the Back Room, Okay?
Now Pass that Pastrami Sandwich, with “Cock Trail” Sauce, Ya Fat, Pin Stripe, Traitor Boy! Mmm! Now That’s What I Call a Big Swinging, Wall Street, Dick Lickin’, Good Taste! A Hot, Tender, “Submarine Hoagie Grinder Penis Sandwich”!
Nothing Like Biting Off the Head of Your Own Economic Dick, To Make a Day Successful!
NYT Headline: Wall Street Sucks Own Dick! Then Steps On It! Then Sucks It Again, to Make It Feel Better! Who Knew? Go Figure!
Next Stock Play is High Rising “Dick Band-Aid” Company! And “Dick Shelters” for High Tax Fucks!
GOP Reveals New Party Plank, “Unleashing the True Dickness, of Conservative, Untamed Capitalism! How to Live with a GOP Dick Up Your ASS!”
(When You Think About It, Just Why ARE GOPsters So Afraid of Gays, When They Always Want to Fuck Everybody Else, Up the Ass? Hmm? Have You Ever Thought About That?)
* * *
Vampires Dead Ahead!
[Today. Now. The Present. This actualized potential of Moment, this very fleeting Instant Of TIME! You fucking numskull, right NOW!]
And Now, My Children, Let Us Begin…
Lessons from Your Great Prophet!
The GREAT FAINT BERNARDY!
(Sounds of Legal Age, Teenage Girls Screaming in Background, just like at a Beatles Con-Sert! “We Luv You Bernardy! Here’s My Room Key, and my Wet Panties!” Ahh! The Elixir of the Gods! )
(Well, alright, the “sounds” of fifty year old Chicks, hootin and hollerin, who still kinda look 18, if you squint, and look sideways, at night, and turn the lights down real low. With a jar of Heat Activated KY Sex Jelly smeared all over their face, and on the camera lens, and you call it “The Return of the Vampires!” Well, it‘s not that bad, but bright sunlight might Melt them, just like a real vampire!)
* * *
Department of Small Victories! Bureau of Big Defeats!
Washington, D.C. -- Hallelujah! Bonus Tax Passed! Recent NPR news story says 50% tax passed, on Bonuses, at tax funded, bailed out Wall Street banks! Yippee! Thank you Lord, for small favors! Rich guy actually has to PAY a TAX! The Rich don’t always get to keep every last freakin’ Penny! Praise the Lord!
However, the Manhattan Cash Addiction Rehabilitation Centers of America, has seen an unprecedented spike in enrollment, now that rich people may actually have to pay Taxes!
Their parking lots are filled to overflowing with Beemers, Volvos and Benzes! Piles of Prozac prescriptions, litter the streets of the Financial District!
And Hallelujah, for the passage of Health Care Reform! The Southern Confederate Republican Party, and their Plantation Senators, were really getting to be one Giant, Dickfaced “Tongue Depressor” on the whole Issue!
“Please Suh! Please Mr. Republican Senator! May I have another Ladle of Pennies, with my Gruel? I’m hungry, and I need to help pay for the rich Wall Street Trader’s ‘Captain Mortgage Flavored Traitor Rum’, that all sank to the bottom of the Ocean, on the U.S.S. Titanic! And now Lloyds of London won’t insure any more shipwrecks, now that all the King’s ducats, and bullion soup, are at the bottom of the Financial Sea!”
“If I don’t pep up me physique with more porridge and gruel, I’ll catch the Dickens, and even more Wall Street ‘Dick Ends’ will slide up me poor Economic Butt Hole! Ouch! Please Suh! Me Mum’s dying from the Republican Plague, and I’m so Hungry!”
* * *
Reality Time On Deck, On the Good Ship U.S.S. Lollipop! Suck On This, Pal! How Do You Like Your “Unregulated Market Messiah” Now, Ya Little Miss Pinafore DickWuss?
Okay, Kids…
Lets see if I got this straight…
A bunch of Super Clever, white, Wall Street Finance Guys, who got tons of Bonus Money during their Careers, ended up stepping on their Big Swinging Wall Street Dicks, let things spin, or “squish” out of control, and then they crashed, and burned down Wall Street, taking the Banks, Brokerage firms, and the Whole durn Economy, down with them.
Did I leave anything out? Like, maybe, all the poor wittle wascally wabbits on Wall Street, otherwise known as, “Coldhearted, Ruthless, Financiers”, were forced by the Big Bad Gubmint, to GIVE away ALL Their Money, to people who couldn’t pay it Back?
Hmm? That’s plausible, isn’t it, Mr. Easter Bunny? Wall Street was forced to hide all the brightly colored Easter Eggs, including the chocolates and creams, and THEN, when they needed them Back, they Couldn’t FIND THEM!
Why? Because the Easter Bunny Took them! YES HE DID! A Big White Fat New Yawk Brooklyn Rabbit took them! Put them all in his Basket, and Ran Away down a little Rabbit Hole called “HELL”! Where it’s Very Hot, and all the golden eggs MELTED!
And that’s why you didn’t get any eggs for Easter, or toys for Christmas, and it’s also why Daddy and Mommy lost their jobs! And it’s all because of a particular “CULTURE” on Wall Street, that’s RESPONSIBLE! Do you know what I mean? Huh, Kids? Can we be any Clearer?
Pretty Clever, huh? Wall Street figures out “The New Innovative Mortgage Scheme of the CENTURY!” And you know what? It’s called “CHEATING!” That’s where it’s “derived” from! An old German derivative called “Oopder assholen”!
And right now, they’re so far “Oopder assholen”, their hand is coming out of the Top of Your Head!
Don’t Worry, them Wall Street Boys Got everything Under Control! Them Boys is Smert! You just put a rabbit trap next to that rabbit hole, and maybe, just maybe, you might get your money Back!
Mom Tries To Figure Out Who Hit Who First! Was It Little Billy, Or Fat Marvin? Dad’s Gonna Be Pissed When He Gets Home! Oops! What Home?
[Little Kid talks to Mom, outside house, after house burns down, and fire department is hosing down burning embers] :
“Gee, Mom, I didn’t know the matches would set the House on Fire! Honest, I didn’t! I was just trying to warm up the kitty, and then the curtains caught fire, and then the sofa, and pretty soon, the whole house was gone! Do ya think Dad will be mad at me? Huh? Gee, Mom, don’t be sore at me! I was only playing around! Honest! I’ll be good from now on!”
Now, the hard core Wall Street Republicans are arguing, that we don’t dare fuck with the “Free Market” compensation system, at taxpayer controlled banks, because if we don’t throw tons of bonuses at these same Super Clever Finance guys, they won’t stick around to fix what they FUCKED UP.
I think the basic line on the pundidiot TV shows is: “These are the guys who made the Bankrupt, Bailed Out Banks “SUCCESSFUL”, and if we don’t give them high pay, they will leave to another bank, who will pay them more, and the bank they left won’t ever be “SUCCESSFUL AGAIN.”
Dog Chases Tail, in Circular Logic Motion! Stir, Until the LUMPS, Are Gone!
What kind of fucked up “logic” is “we gotta give them the same incentive pay that caused them to fuck up, or they won’t perform well now?” What, give them the INCENTIVE to fuck things up again? Give them a Second Chance to Step on their Collective Dicks?
These are the Guys WHO FUCKED EVERYTHING UP!
Let them Leave their jobs, for Bad Performance. How’s that for Logic? Fire them for Fucking Up on the Job! Just like everybody else! Good Riddance, and give them a good kick in the butt at the door!
LET them go find work elsewhere! Get somebody ELSE at the HELM, get a Fresh Start, and give somebody else a chance to Fix Things, who isn’t as fucked up as the first guy! Somebody who didn’t fuck things up in the first place! Change the Culture! Change the Thinking! Gooder THINKING, for a GOODER WORLD! That’s the Ticket!
You mean to tell me there isn’t ANYBODY else out there who can run a fucking bank? How the fuck hard is it to run a fucking bank?
Bank School. How Hard Could It Be? One Plus One, Two Plus Two, Three… Will You Shut the Fuck Up? You Made Me Lose Count! Now I Gotta Start ALL OVER Again, Counting This Money! You Putz! You Even Made Me Forget Which Finger I Was On!
A guy with an MBA could probably run a bank, with assistance from a good team of accountants, and a few finance majors thrown in. Hell, a decent Top Level accountant, by himself, could probably run a bank!
Have you ever even seen an Intermediate Level Accounting College Textbook, which is not even considered Advanced Level? There are finance and accounting people all over America! And we’re LOCKED IN to the same guys that fucked things up? What, do you think these Wall Street assholes are some kind of irreplaceable Quantum Mechanic, Einstein Bank Magicians?
I mean, think about what you are SAYING!
“We THREW TONS OF MONEY at guys who FUCKED THINGS UP, so now we gotta throw TONS OF MONEY at THE SAME GUYS, to get them to FIX IT?”
WHAT THE FUCK COLLEGE DID YOU GO TO? MacDonalds Hamburger School?
Clown School? Fox News “School of Journalism”?
Jesus! I’m gonna go shoot myself, or, as my platonic friend Michelle says, “Run into the street screaming!”
Life just isn’t worth living anymore, with Rich Republicans stepping on Everybody’s dick, except their own!
Compassionate, Society Lovin’, “Big Government Jesus”, Practicing It’s Man Woman Citizen Love, Performs “Miracle of the Bread” (Miracle of the Dough?), and Rescues Drowning “Wall Street Ratdick Assholes”!
Who Then Proceed, in Fine Gold (Feingold?), Turn Coat Judas Tradition, To Stab Jesus in the Back! Et Tu Brutus! Not You Too? Is Your Caesar Salad Not Rich Enough? Here, Have Some of My Pastrami Sandwich, With Oozing, Dripping, “CockTrail” Sauce!
I got news for ya, my Puritan Capitalist Pal, we already “fucked with the free market compensation system”, by “decompensating” your capitalist ass from the “compensation” of going out of business, being flat on your ass, and out in the street without a pot to piss in!
Where you would be sitting today, Mr. Wall Street Walrus, Old Dead Eye Dick, if it wasn’t for a little old thing called a Socialist Welfare Nanny State “Taxpayer Safety Net”, courtesy of Big Gubmint, ridin’ to your Fat Ass Capitalist Rescue!
And the only reason we took bleedin’ heart, liberal pity on ya, was because if we didn’t, the Titanic, the ol’ battlehip USS Economy, the whole kit and kaboodle, really would be sunk on the bottom, in miles of Deep Water! And then everybody would really be screwed, even worse than they are now! So we reluctantly Plugged up your shitty leaking asshole, to keep you Afloat, so we’d ALL stay afloat. Got it?
And what’s the first thing you do, Dickweed? You ask for your Bonus. Where’s my freakin’ Bonus you say, for a job well done! Wow! What a Man you are! Always looking out for Number One! Getting everything you deserve, even if we all suffer.
What a good little capitalist fuck you are! Mommy must be Proud! Her Son Fucked the Nation with his little “Free” market Dick Prick! You da Man, ya fat Wall Street Fuck! You’re the Big Dick, on the Nation’s Wall Street Block!
Signed,
Faint Bernard.
So Faint, I think I’m gonna die!
Will Republican Health Care save me, or did I fail to afford the Insurance Premium?
I just wish my dick was long enough to step on, or gets long enough to step on, stimulated by a naked chick standing in my living room, smiling at me and saying, “Go Baby! Work that Bonis!”, at least once more before I die.
“Work that Bonis, Baby! Work it! Harder! Oh, that’s a Good Boy! Splurt! Splurt! All over the carpet, and my creamy womanly thighs!”
“Don’t worry, Mommy will lick it ALL Up! She likes to Lick Up the Mess you make!”
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved, including Holy Catholic Last Rites, and the right to have a Female Priest, or a NUN, in Full Rabbit Habit, tenderly hold my penis, just before I Come, to the Lord!
Oh, My! That’s Awfully Sticky Holy Water! Sorry, Sister! Some things just can’t be helped! And when it comes to my Weeny, it can only be saved, exercised, held, kissed, sucked, and fucked! But Helped? No! If you wanna help it, you gotta suck it, AND Be A WOMAN!
But, at least I will have honestly earned, My Holy “Bonis”. Unlike the Wall Street boys.
It won’t be a Stolen Bonis.
It will be all Mine, fully Earned, on the up and up. Right up there with God.
(Sound of Angels Singing! A gloriously full, Female Chorus! )
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now, and I’ll give you an Extra Special, Throbbing red Bonis!
Question: Why do Wall Street Bankers always step on their Dicks?
Answer: Because they’re always bending over, to unzip their Pricks, while preparing to Fuck You.
[Rameo, in Joliet Prison, Illinois.]: “Oh, Nay, Mercutio! The Coiled Snake, inside the Soiled, Plotted, and Potted Plans, that Wall Street doth Make! It‘s enough to make a Virgin Market Quake!”
“Forgive them, Lord, for they know not, what they do!”
“They think they have been Chosen, by the New God, the God of Cash, to Serve the Golden Idol, the Bull Market Calf, of our Nation’s New, MARKET RELIGION!”
“Hail the New God! The GOD of the MARKET! BOW DOWN on your Knees, and SERVE HIM!”
“The GOD of the MARKET, Over ALL!”
“The MARKET GOD, Uber ALLES!”
“WORK Makes You FREE!”
“ARBEIT Macht FREI!”
“Let Untamed, Out of Control Capitalism, Burn, Cleanse, and Purify Your Soul, and Send Your Ashes Heavenward, in the Raging Fires of the CONCENTRATED FINAL PROFIT SOLUTION.”
If you’re not part of the Profit, you’re not part of the Prophet.
Efficiency in carrying out the Final Profit Solution, is more important than Humanity, in any Final Solution.
Health Care is Deciding who lives or dies. The whole Nation is a Death Camp, if a Corporate Dr. Mengele, the Angel of Death, stands at the HEALTH CAMP gate, and decides who gets to Live or Die.
They say, “Never forget the Holocaust.”
I say, “Try not to forget any Form of Holocaust.”
Who, is Forgetting, NOW?
* * *
How’s that for a Bonis?
Ba-Bump! Cymbal CRASH! Take my Life, Please!
I’m dying out here!
Can it get ANY Worse?
Vote Republican, and you’ll see!
But wasn’t it the Democrats that FORCED Wall Street to give away Bad Mortgages?
That’s what I heard from a Republican Think Tank! Poor wittle Wall Street was held Hostage by Demoncrats!
And Elmer Fudd (as John McCain) and Olive Oil (as Sarah Palin) were gonna Save us!
But a Black Muslim, Non Citizen, Monkey Boy, named Brutus O’Mamma, who is an inexperienced Community Organizer and Law Perfessor, and who is not even as Smert as George Bush, the Genius Alcoholic “C” Student from “Yale”, got elected instead, by buying up the Black Vote with Easy, No payment BAD Mortgages!
And now them Demoncrats are gonna take all our Pure Virgin, White Tax Dollars, and give them to them feelthy Neegars, so they can live for FREE, high on the Hog, on the White Dollar!
And now the only guy that can save us, is Senator “Beady Eyed” Bane-er from Ohio (as Pop Eye, the Sailor Man) who’s gonna Force us all to eat a “Can of Deficit Power Muskel Building Spinach!
YUCK!
“I’m Pop Eye the Sailor Man! Toot! Toot!”
Olive Oil: “Oh, Brutus! You’re such a BIG ManDonkey!”
Brutus: “Tanks, Olive Oil! Yer not so bad yerself, Toots!”
Toot! Toot! Right in the Booty!
Pop Eye the Sailor Man [singing his theme song]:
“I’m Pop Eye, the Sailor Man! Beep, beep!”
“I’m Pop Pie, the Nail Her Man!” (wink, wink)
“I’m Pop Eye the Creepy old, Beady Eyed, Senator Bane-er Man!
Toot! Toot!”
“Where’s Me Spinach, Olive Oil? I can’t lives, without me Spinach!”
Stay Tuned Kids! For the Next Decade of, “Conservative Republican Cartooons!”
See if Little Sweepy Sweet Pee gets HEALTH CARE, OR NOT!
And Wimpie says, “I’ll gladly pay you Next Tuesday, for a Hamburger I can have TODAY!” So sayeth the Republican Big Spenders, who COMPLETELY WIPED OUT, CLINTON‘S BUDGET SURPLUS OF 2000!
Argh! Just shut up and EAT your Spinach! It’s Good For You! It helps Build up your Deficit Muskels, now that the Republicunts have outspent the Demoncrats, and Spent ALL the Money!
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Archway to Understanding Politics!
Where are you Superman? We need you!
Do the Republicans have you locked up, in Frozen Budget Kryptonite?
If we melt all the Artic Ice, will Superman still have a Secret Hideout, and Super Fortress?
Superman was a Democrat, right?
How can you tell?
Because Superman HELPED PEOPLE! He didn’t just collect, and conserve, precious Metals, and CASH, in a Secret Vault, hidden, and inaccessible to the People.
Now, if we could ONLY find where Clark Kent and Lois Lane disappeared to, we might be in Better Shape!
Too late, they’re working for POX “News” now! They “went over” to the Dark Side, you know, with sagging careers they wanted that last cash fuck.
What’s Batman’s number? Do you think he’s still available? How do you do that Bat Signal Thing? Do you put your fingers in front of a candle and a sheet, and then blow a whistle?
Or do you get dressed up in a black rubber outfit, and sing “Whip it Baby, whip it all Nite”?
I don’t know. But I do know how to summon a Republican.
How?
You Show him the round end of a broomstick, and say, “Can I put this up your Uptight Butt?”
And?
They generally say Yes.
Why?
Because it makes them Feel Good. Somehow the Rigid Discipline and Pain of it, makes them feel Better, about their Other, Deep, Inner PAIN.
Oh. I didn’t realize that.
Well, now ya know. Nobody ever said life was pretty.
What Other Deep Inner Pain do they Have?
They can’t CONTROL LIFE. That’s their Ultimate Goal. They want to CONTROL LIFE.
Why?
Because Life is MESSY, and Uncontrollable, and often painful as a result.
But if they know that, why do they want to try and control Life?
Because if they can Control life, they can Avoid having the Trauma that happened to them, ever happen again.
But they want other People to Suffer!
Exactly! They’re Repeating their Childhood Trauma, in an effort to understand it, and then maybe Change it, but they get stuck in the never ending loop of Repeating the Conditions of the Trauma!
But why do they want others to suffer?
Becuz it makes them feel not alone, and why should you get a free pass to avoid what they had to go through? You’ve got to suffer just like they did, otherwise it’s Not Fair!
OH. Now I get it! “I went thru it, so you do too!” Makes Perfect Sense. Otherwise, you get off Scot Free! And you don’t have to suffer like they did, and that’s Not Fair! I get it! I really do! It makes perfect Sense! It explains ALL their Inconsistencies!
No wonder they’re always trying to make everybody rigidly BEHAVE, they just Barely have themselves under CONTROL! Holy SHIT! I see it Now!
If they slack off with you, they’ll go nuts and start doing Weird Shit themselves! They’ll start humping a dog in the middle of the Street, or doing the neighbor!
They’re like alcoholics! If they see you drinking, they’ll grab the bottle first thing, and never let go!
But they never break out of their Endless Feedback Loop, so they have to keep pushing the suffering onto others, and maintaining a high level of pain for others, in order to minimize their Inner Psychic Pain!
But Nothing Cures their Pain! Not Money, Gold, Mansions, Stocks, bonds, diamonds, Helicopters, Vacations, none of it ever cures the emptiness in their hearts.
They’re like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz! They’re Missing LOVE! And they can’t replace the Love they’re Missing, with Material Possessions or Power, no matter how hard they try! Got it?
Yeah! I do!
That’ll be 1,000 dollars, please!
A thousand bucks! What, are you NUTS?
Yep! But, on the other hand, that WAS five Psychiatric Sessions collapsed into One!
Five times 200 dollars is one thousand dollars! Do you want to take five hours, to do what I just did for you, in five minutes? Hmm?
Check or credit card?
Card’s fine.
* * *
Blub, blub, splort…
Fleef, glub, fubula…
Florp! Flimp! Bleek!
Deep down, under the Subways and Sewers of New York City, there is a bubbling, a stirring, a noise, and motion…
It’s the Darkest, deepest part of the Republican Soul, if you can call it that. A MONSTER, deep inside the battered, tattered, and barely breathing shattered remnants, of the traumatized, Trauma Sized “CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN SOUL”.
IT LURKS. WAITING. READY TO POUNCE. PLANNING HOW IT WILL MAKE OTHERS SUFFER…
* * *
But there is an antidote! And it’s in Stock, and ready to ship @ www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved.
Doctor Bernard’s Old Fashioned Anti-Conservative Sour Mash Vaccine!
A little spoonful in your tea, will do ya!
Get some Today!
It will briefly brighten, our Troubled Way!
Dang Boy, dat’s what I calls “Pometry”! Yas, Suh! Yes, indeedy!
Little Poimlets, of Love! Ain’t dat Sweet?
Yep, Bernardy loves ya, even if you are an Idiot!
Gosh, that Bernardy feller is just like Jesus!
He just ain’t got no Super Powers!
Now hold on, just a dang minute!
I’m working on the flying thing! I’m already up to hoppin’ and jumping!
It’s the “Seein thru stuff”, that’s still a bit of a problem!
But, like I say, I’m Workin’ on it!
Yes, sir, Baby, I’m Workin’ on it!
And Oh yeah, it feels real Good!
* * *
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