Bitin’ the Big One! Chowing Down, On Another Wall Street Mistake! 21st Century Finance Lessons, for the Economically Foolish at Heart!
(“Yooj” - That’s New Yawkese for “Big”, as in, “you have, or you are, a Yooj DICK”.)
Question: Which one of the following, Greenspan, Friedman, Geittner, or Einstein, is the Smart Jew?
Answer: Einstein. He’s the only one whose THEORIES HAVE HELD UP, stood the Test of Time, and have PROVEN to be TRUE, and not just FUCKING THEORIES!
Unlike the Other Guys Named Above, whose theories and Actions proved to be WRONG, and ended up spewing Hot Molten Economic Lava all over the citizens of the USA, in one of the worst Recessions since the Great Depression!
KNOCK! KNOCK! HEELLLOOO! ANYBODY HOME? FINANCE THEORY NOT UP TO EINSTEIN LEVEL!
Uh-Oh! Oops! Finance Jew guys NOT AS SMART as Rocket Science Jew guys! Who knew!
Moon to Earth! Houston we have an Economic Problem! There’s No Money to fill the fucking gas tank! Jew guy fucked up! Market FAILED to behave as Expected! THEORY PROVED WRONG! Emergency! Space Shuttle just BLEW THE FUCK UP! AN UNEXPECTED MARKET EVENT!
(*University Econ Departments, and hot shot B-Schools take note! Revise entire Curriculum immediately to reflect REALITY, not just THEORIES! Mental Note: Einstein knows Universe! Right Wing EconoMists don’t know jack shit!)
Here’s the New Math…
Einstein equals Good Jew! Why? Because “E=MC Squared”! Simple!
What do Friedman, Greenspan, Geittner equal? Bad Jew! Why? Because “No Rules DO NOT EQUAL Market Squared”! Simple!
If you believed in their Logic Chain, you’d have to believe that “No Rules=No Nazis.” Now, whose gonna believe in that? The JEWS?
Trust me! “Unsupervised, unregulated Nazis, will act prudently, and regulate, and correct themselves!” The only Jews who believed that, got stuck in Europe, and died in a gas Chamber.
Updated for Wall Street… “Trust me, this is a Shower of money, not a Cash Foreclosure Gas Chamber!”
“We’re the New Zonder Commando Brothers, of Wall Street! With the Most Efficient Final Profit Solution, for the Screwish Question. Come on down! No Rules=a Big Bonanza, at least for a while!”
Come on, am I being Reasonable, or What?
Whether it’s a businessman or a Nazi, YOU can Trust them both to Behave!
I’m not making this up.
The Myth of the “Rational, Self Regulated” Smart Finance Jewish Guy.
Aaron’s Wall Street Fast Pawn and Loan! He’s Guaranteed Not To Over Borrow, and Get In Way Over His Head!
Wall Street Journal Headline: Wall Street All Tangled Up! Stepping On It’s Own DICK, AGAIN! How Many Times We Gotta Learn This Lesson? Borrowing From Peter, To Pay Back Paul, or Saul, or Sammy, or Sid?
Oh God, What’s a Mother to Do? I Did Everything I Could To Raise Him Well! How Did I Know, He’d Turn Out To Be a Fat Putz, With a Dickhead On His Shoulders?
After skimming thru “The Myth of the Rational Market” by Justin Fox, I coulda just about cried.
I’m thinking, “Holy Crap! You mean the Boys in Power spent the last 45 years ACTUALLY LISTENING to EconoMist Milton Friedman, and his fucked up theories, from the Chicago School of Business Ineptitude?”
Uncle Milty and his conservative buds basically Jammed their freaking right wing “THEORY” of a “Rational Market”, and “another neat little THEORY” of how “Markets Will Regoolate Themselves”, straight down everybody’s Throats, like some kind of Voo Doo EconoCockEnomics! Throw some Magic Powder on that Market Bubble! Poof! Now follow the Money, down the Rabbit Hole!
And everybody listened to them! The boys in power bought it hook, line, and sinker, and THEN, because of those THEORIES, the Republicans actually Deregulated Wall Street, tore down ALL the Rules, put that Sleepy Rape Drug in the Regulator’s drinks, and proceeded to Fuck Wall Street, and the Nation, with their fat engorged stinky Dicks, and THEN we all went down with the Ship, in the Economic Meltdown of 2008!
Call the Financial Rape Crisis Center, Pronto! But first collect the sticky Wall Street Ejaculate Evidence, before you take a Shower, to make yourself feel Clean Again!
Iceberg! Dead Ahead!
I Say Old Chap, That’s Really Quite Impossible!
Not to Worry! The Titanic Economy Will Steer Itself! Why? Because It’s Rational! With Lots of Self Regulated Captains at the Wheel! Toot, Toot!
Here Comes, and There Goes, the USS Titanic! Oh Shit! What Happened To Our Ship, and All the Lifeboats?
Damn! You Just Poured an Ocean of Ice Water, All Over My Nice New Self Regulated Market THEORY! Now I’m Freezing My Ass Out Here, in the Economic COLD Ass OCEAN! Blub! BLUB! GASP! HEEELLLPPP!
Mommy! I Want My “Self Regoolating, Rational Market”, Security Blanket! I Want My Blanky! Waaah! This Water Is Freezing Cold!
Where Did My House Go? Where’s My Job? What Happened to My Retirement Fund? Boo, Hoo, Hoo! The Selfish, Irrational Market Took My Blankey! It’s Not Supposed To Do That! I Was Supposed To Get Rich In a Jiffy! WAAAAHHHH!
Mommy! I Stepped On My Dick! Will You Kiss It ,and Make It Feel Better?
Yes, Dear! Oh My God, It’s All Black and Blue! You IDIOT!
How the Fuck Did You Step On Your OWN DICK? Your Supposed To Be Smarter Than THAT! I Didn’t Raise You To Be a STUPID PUTZ!
We basically tore down all the Financial Rules between the years 1975 and 2000, rules that had been painstakingly built up over all the years of trial and error, booms and busts, Depressions and recessions, with all the economic suffering they brought, rules that were put in place to PREVENT just the kind of Financial Calamity we have NOW, and we tore down all these rules because of Uncle Milty’s freakin THEORIES?
And Now we have this big freakin financial mess, as a result, because of the Single Mindedness of Uncle Milty, and the rich Republicans, who thought “Great, this will Make my Money Game a whole lot Easier! Let’s all jump on Uncle Milty’s Band Wagon!”
Milton Friedman may have gotten a Nobel Prize for his Money Supply Equation, Money=MC Hammer Pedal to the Metal, but that is just One Little Area of the Entire Economics Field, and one correct move doesn’t mean everything he tackles is true! Just as Dan Quayle ain’t no Jack Kennedy, Milton Friedman ain’t no Albert Einstein.
Somebody needs to give this guy the Alternate Prize, the “No Bell”, for getting it WRONG on the other THEORIES.
Bowling for Monsters and Balling Your Mothers, In Search of Profit.
How about a Big, Yooj, Tacky, Bowling Trophy, with a Fish on top, and a plaque that says, “Here’s to Uncle Milty, a Rare Fish, the Not-So-Bright Jewish Guy! The Guy Who Wasn’t as BRIGHT as Everybody Thought He Was! The Winner, at Bowling with Everybody elses BALLS!”
“Here’s to the 'Rational, Self Correcting Prudent Market Theory' that took us off the Smooth Lane, and straight into the Bowling Alley Gutter! Wow! How to “Theoretically” Bowl with other People’s Balls! You da Man, ya smutz! Maybe you should start hanging out with Bernie Madoff, he’s got theories too, ya know!”
“Thanks for the Memories, Uncle Milty! You Really Know How to Pick Those Theories! To the First Dumb Jewish Guy, in a Million Years! Who’da thought a Jewish Guy could SCREW UP, in FINANCE! Impossible! Jesus, this will RUIN the Stereotype!”
“This is Bad News, Man! We gotta find some other Jewish Guys in Finance, that actually KNOW what they’re Doing! And Quick! There’s gotta be another Jewish guy we can slot into his place! I mean let’s face it, the goy don’t know shit when it comes to Finance!”
“How about that other Wall Street dude? You know, what’s his name, the sharp shyster, that palls around with all them other slick New York dudes, you know, the guy that knows all the ins and outs!”
Yeah, that’s just what we need, some more “ins and outs”, as if we’re not Screwed enough already.
Maybe Wall Street could screw your Granny, and your Mama too. "Hey, Ma," says Wall Street, "I’m done Screwing you! Now it’s Granny’s Turn!"
Ya Wall Street Putz!
Uncle Milty, Disappearing in a Cloud of Smoke!
“So, Uncle Milty, with your Big fat cigar, stinking up the whole Party, we’re Enjoyin’ the Ripe Fruits of Your Theories Now! Yes, sir! But I CAN’T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH, they were theories, or more Technically speaking, just Big Giant, GUESSES, that fucked with peoples lives!”
(At the Wall Street Bomb Squad: “Yeah, cut that Wire, and see what happens! Ka BOOM! I GUESS it wasn’t that one! Too Bad! You got any other theories, Hot Shot? You’re in the financial Hurt Locker now! I‘ll call 911!”)
“Thanks a Bunch, Milty! We’re Gonna Miss Ya!”
And you know what’s a real bitch? Uncle Milton’s DEAD! Yeah, the guy died just before all this shit (His Shit) hit the fan! He died thinking he got it right! He didn’t get to stick around to see the Ultimate Fruits of His Labor.
He didn’t get to see all the Pain and Misery he gave to everybody because of his fucking theories. He missed the Great Global Economic Meltdown of 2008, by like TWO FUCKING years! Tawk about a Painless Death! This guy got off Easy! Probably died in bed, looking at his plaque on the wall, and thinking what a great guy he was, the PUTZ!
In my Best, New Yawkese, Brooklyn White Dialect, “We should awll be so Lucky!”
THANKS, UNCLE MILTY! YOU’RE THE BEST! LOVE YA, GUY! WE Just LOVE YA to Death!
Let us all know, from the Great Beyond, or hopefully, HELL, when you GOT ANY MORE THEORIES! Ya Freakin Weed PUTZ!
Mazeltov! And a top of the Mornin’ to Ya! You win “THE BIG PRIZE”, for being the World’s Biggest theoretical DICK!
OH, and “You’re a real Credit”, to the Field of Economics, Mr. GENIUS MARKET THEORY!
Here’s to YOU, and to ALL the other Putzes, at the Sheekago Skool of Bidness!
And a MALATOV Meltdown COCKTAIL, to you too! (Malatov Cocktail -- Russian Improvised Explosive Device. Place tie in Economic Vodka Bottle, set tie on fire, throw at Nazi soldiers or American Citizens, and watch people burn up, and Economies melt down!)
Extra! Read All About It! Get Yer Daily Blues Here! Get Yer Morning Market Meltdown Sandwich! Extra Cheesy! Get Porked, and Melted! Warm Market Sausage, Right Up Your Butt!
[Newspaper Boy on Street corner, hawking papers to the crowd.]
“Extra! Extra! Read All About It! NEW THEORY About Market! One Dollar Buys You a Bigger, Longer Dick! Just One Dollar! Get Rich Quick, in a Jiffy! Live on Easy Street, with No Money Down, at Wall Street Pawn and Loan!”
“Get Your Paper Here, Mister! Read all about the NEW THEORY that’s gonna MAKE YOU RICH! Extry! Extry! Just a nickel, for a NEW Dick! Get yer Paper Diplomas here, from the Chee Kahgo SKOOL of Bizniss!”
“Extra! New Magic Theory About Market Magic! Don’t Miss it! You Can’t Lose! Step right up, Mr. Big Shot! Get it all now, while you can!”
“Get yer Cheekago Daily Blues! Get yer copy of the Blues here! Market Meltdown Declared Impossible! Why? Cuz Markets ARE RATIONAL! AND, Markets Regoolate Themselves, like MAGIC!”
“Also, Bonus Story! Science DISCOVERS Wolves Don’t Like to Eat Sheep! Sheep Farmers Discover Sheep Are Safest, When GUARDED By Wolves!”
“Uncle Milty GUARANTEES Free Lunch FOR ALL! Says Republicans, AND Businessmen, CAN BE TRUSTED! Markets WILL Also Be PRUDENT, And RATIONAL!”
“Extry! DON’T MISS THIS YOOJ, Amazing, LANDMARK STORY! Read ALL About It!”
“Extra Bonus Story! Cops Discover Super Potent Marijuana Growing in Basement of Cheekago Bidness Scule! Cops Investigate THEORY, of How It Got There! How It got there, Nobody Knows!”
“Extry! Extra! Read All About It! Uncle Milty Sends Message from Great Beyond! Says, ‘How do you like my theories NOW, You Putzes! Boy, did I Fool You, and Myself! Who Knew! Go FIGURE! You just Thought I was smart, because I was a Jew!”
Signed,
Faint Bernard
From the here and now, the 20% Unemployment USA Present!
Thank You, Mr. Republican Theory Man!
Your Theories have never been “proven” SO WELL!
And to SO MANY!
And So WORLD WIDE!
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All Rights Reserved, including my right to Scream, “Even the Smart are never Perfect. And Stupidity? Just a little Dab, will do ya’ All Wrong!”
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now, you hear?
[Somewhere down South, in a wagon, on a back country dirt road.]
“I hear them boys at dat Sheekago Bizness School, has some Mighty Fine Weed!”
Yep, them boys is as Rational, Prudent, an Self Regoolatin’, as Flyin’ a Kite, on a Windy Chicago Day! Yas, Suh! Dem boys done Flew dat Self Correcting Kite, smack dab right into dee EchoDemonic Ground!”
“Somehow, I done gets me da feelin, dat day just don’t know Whut days doin, when it come to Inventin Classy New Theories, about the Theory of Flyin Economy! Them Boys would probably be better off keeping dare EcoDemonic feats on dee groun’, and smoking a little less irrational Pot!”
“Well said, Mister Rufus! Eyes couldn’t of postulated or Professitated, that there Convolicuted Theory, any better myself!”
“Thank you, Teapot! Yo is an Admirable Companion, a truly fine Gentleman, and a scholar of Great Rebound.”
“Your Condiment is Accepted, and might I add, that with the current State of the Market, I’ve been doin a whole lotta rebounding lately, especially on them hard concrete floors!”
“Don’t Say!”
“Yes I do! And rights about now, I could use that Other Magic Economic Theory!”
“Which ones Dat?”
“The one that say after a Crash, if you Lucky, you might just have a Soft Landing!”
“Oh, eyes remember dat one! Yas, Suh! Well, how’s it feels to you now? Is it getting any softer?”
“I’ll let you know, when dee Doctor takes off my Whole Body Cast!”
“And when will dat Be?”
“Oh, in about a Year or so!”
“Lordy!”
“Dats whut I said! But my Doctor said Health Keer takes a long, long time! Especially when you been in a Severe Economic Crash, without your Economic Seatbelt on, and No Airbags to cushion the Impact! And No Regoolators to make sure it don’t happen Again!”
“Dat a Fact!”
“Sho is lookin dat way! Yes, indeedy!”
“Well, dare is one CompenSatan factor!”
“And what’s that?”
“You sure gotta a lot of Company, for your Misery!”
“Ain’t dat a Fact! Yo sure know how to put a Positive Spin on things, Rufus!”
“Thank you, Teapot! Now, giddy up, Old Pollytishus, giddy up! We got to turn this old Congressional Wagon Around! Crack that Whip! And take offs dat big Feed Bag, on our Cungreshunal Nag here, cuz it just slowing down them long overdue Improvitatements needed by the People! No sense letting the Rich Corporations, Hog everything fo themselves!”
“No Sir! I iz in Total Agreedalmenshus on that! I iz Yoonanimus, one hundred percent!”
Signed,
Rufus T. Smudgepot
3256 Mighty White Highway
Boro of Blackville, Wrong Side of dee Tracks
Confederate Folk Pure White County
Slambonia Up Side dee Head, Mississippi
Y’all come back now! Yo in fo a BIG SURPRIZE!
We Still got a fat dumb Sheriff, waitin’ for YOU, you New York City, Yankee Jew Boy!
Don’t drive too fast now! We just might put you in dee Pokey!
Hell, we might just put you in the Pokey anyway, jist for being funny lookin‘, or lookin’ Queer, or lookin Jewish!
Try not too look or act too Jewish! Just act White and Dumb, and you might slip by!
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www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Archway to Understanding Politics!
And I am NOT an Anti-Semenite! I am Not Against anyone’s sticky, gooey semen, as long as it isn’t in my mouth, or in any of My Tubes.
And if you’re a hot chick, and I can’t shoot my Semen at you, then You are an Anti-Semenite!
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