Damn, Boy! You Sure Are a Stitch!
Hey Finance Boy! Over here! Yeah, me and the boys, well, we was wondering what you were drinkin' when you thought up that “Self Regoolatin’ Magic Market Theory”?
That must a been some mighty powerful likker you had, when you came up with that! Wow! What was it? Staten Island Ferry Diesel fuel? Chicago Business School River Water?
Come on over here, Finance Boy, and meet the boys! This is Earl, Virgil, Elton, and Goober!
Howdy! Howdy! Howdy! Hey!
Now me and the boys was wondering if you could stand there and say, out loud like, and straight into the Camera, "Finanshal Markets Regoolate Themselves", while Earl here takes a Picture on his Videophone, whatdaya say?
Uh,I dunno...
Come on, it'll be Fun! Like old times! The boys'll get a big kick out of it!
Okay.
Ready Earl?
Ready!
Okay...Shoot!
Uh-hmm…“Financial Markets Regulate themselves.” There, how's that?
(Hoots, hollers, and fits of uncontrolled Laughter.)
That was great! Now, try it one more time! You're lookin' real good!
Okay...wow, that wasn't so hard! I kinda liked it!
Uh-hmmm…“Financial Markets Self Regulate Themselves!” How's that?
Even better! You haven't lost your Midas Touch!
Course, me and the boys was thinkin'...
What's that?
Well, we was thinkin' that you New York City Jew Boys, should start sticking to that Space Science Stuff that you're really good at, you know, that Einstein Universe Gobbledy-Gook Big Bang Gravity Time Stuff. You boys have a lock on that, but this Plain Old, Earth Finance Stuff, well, you're startin’ to fuck up on it, if you know what I mean!
Yeah, you got that Einstein Jew Science down cold, but this here Regular Finance Stuff, man, you're losing your touch, boy, big time!
Yeah, all sorts of nickel and dime fees, big late charges, reedickalus interest rates, Way Too High Leverage, Big Time Speculation, No Regulation or Adult Supervision, Phony Ratings Agencies, Rampant Look the Other Wayism, whacked out Quantum Finance Physics Math, and way too many Big Bubbles coming out of big, fat Wall Street Asses! You get my Drift, Sailor Boy?
Yeah! It's fuckin' people up! Sucking the Life out of the Country!
Yeah...and you don't wanna create a Stereotype that Jews don't know what they’re doing when it comes to Finance! That wouldn't be good, at all! Uh-uh! No sir!
Yeah, man, no way! That would suck!
Geez...you know, I never thought of it that quite like that before! You could be on to something here!
Yeah, I'd be thinkin' about it if I were you, cuz it's good Public Relations, you know what I mean? And Stereotypes can be nasty bitches to live down!
Yeah! Look at the Italians, and that Mafia Thing, and the Jewish Finance Money Grubbing Thing, and all the Polish jokes, and hell, the Niggers are just one big Giant Stereotype! Dancin, and shakin their big ass, and goin Boom-Boom-Boom! Do those people even Speak English anymore?
And those Swedish Socialist Gay Dudes, always humping their Reindeer, sitting in a sauna, and then runnin naked in the snow!
And those Asians, always doing laundry, frying up cats and dogs, and bent over a pencil, studying their way to Success! No wonder their eyes are all Squinty!
Oh, I hear you! The question is, what can we, as “The Jewish People”, do?
Well, the balls kinda in your court, if you know whut I mean.
No, I don't.
Well, “your people” are the ones always spoutin' about the need for Justice, and Human Rats, and always goin to court to get new Laws and Regulations Against Cruel Treatment of Human Beings, especially the Mistreatment of Niggers, and workers, and poor people, and Second Class Inferior Females, and them Jew People, like in that Holler Cost you’re always Complaining about. Geez, all that shit starts gettin old after awhile! Can’t you Jews complain about something else for awhile, besides Injustice, and Holler Costs?
I still don't get it.
You gotta get yourself, “Your People”, under control, Boy!
Why?
Cuz you're actin' like some kinda wild, likkered up, out of control, redneck racist, Finance Lynch Mob, stringin’ people up, and hangin’ ‘em out to dry from a Finanshal Tree, for being a Nigger, a Jew, or a Subprime, Sub-Human Mortgage or Credit Card Holder!
You’re acting like some kind of Drunken, Wild West Posse, “The Crazy Jew Banker Gang”, The Gang That Couldn’t Bank Straight, The Fucked Up Financiers from Fresno, shootin up the Saloon, Burning down Nigger Town, and takin the rest of Main Street along with it!
And all this whacked out finance shit is infecting the banks, the insurance companies, regular companies, Wall Street, Main Street, and all of FUCKING AMERICA with it!
You’re SUCKING the LIFE OUT of the COUNTRY for some short term PROFIT, and selling the country down the river! And people start thinking, YOU DID IT! How else do I gotta explain it to ya? You’re REINFORCING the same old fucking Stereotype, and how STUPID is that, Einstein?
Hell, you might as well go back to wearing a Gold Star on your clothes, and a bank account number tattooed on your wrist, and say “Look at all the good we’re doing! Them Jews is at it again! Burning down a Finance Center near you! Come on down to the Finance Death Camp!”
Whether it’s True or Not, the story still sticks, reinforcing old stereotypes. And new ones as well.
You Jew Boys are sposed to be the smartest People on the Freakin’ Planet! But with this Finance Stuff, it’s starting to look like, “Uh-oh! Them Finance Jew boys just fucked up some more! One more Time, here we go Again!! You’re starting to look like you’re actually Slow to Catch On! Instead o bein the brainest people that ever lived! Do ya see whut I‘m sayin?
Course, Money is a Powerful Whore, and very Easy to meet! The Lure of the Whore will always be tempting the Stupid Dicks of Wall Street! And that’s why we need a “Christian, Capitalist, Cash Condom”, for those times when Republicans, right wingers, and religious Freaks, really should “Just Say NO!” Just Say No to the Capitalist Cash Ho! A Prudent Prophylactic, against Financial Disease!
Oh.
You see, you're just like the rest of Us. The Unwashed, the Unlucky, and the Uncircumcised.
How so?
You get some Power, and pretty soon, you're fuckin things up, just like everybody else, you know what I mean? Abusing Your Power!
Oh.
Yeah, you get your hands on a few control levers, and the next thing you know, you’re makin’ the same screw ups and mistakes as everybody else.
You’ve turned out just like the rest of fucked up Humanity. You’re no better, or worse. Give em a little Power, and they fuck up like all the rest. Give em an inch, they take a mile.
Power corrupts, even “the put upon, oppressed, oh so sensitive, chosen special, non-corruptible, Outsider Jews”. Once they’re on the Inside, you can’t tell em apart from the Old Insiders! Hey, “I was Just following Orders”, if you know what I mean! We’re the “New Germans!” Spelled with a J, as in, “Jerman!”
Gee, I didn’t realize! I’m, uh, really Sorry! Should I get you an Apology from the “Jewish People”?
Well, you don’t have to go to any Extremes, but you might look into buying fewer Glass Houses, if yer gonna throw Stones at us good old White Racists!
O-kay, fair enough!
There you go! Now your catching on! You Jew Boys are Smart! See, that’s all I’m saying, fairness for everybody! Not just for Jews or Rascists!
Uh, I think you got a point there.
So, how does it feel to be Jewish, and hold the Reigns of Power, to finally be “The White Man”?
I guess I never thought of it that way before. I kinda always thought I was white. What do you mean?
Well, in the past, you Jew Boys were the Oppressed, but now the shoe is on the other foot. Both feet. You da Man in Power now!
And we’re all gettin’ a front row look at your screw ups, you know whut I mean, boy? So let's clean up your Act a little. It’ll do wonders for how My People think about Your People, you know whut I’m sayin’?
And you see, you ain't off to a good start. For example, Burnin' down Wall Street in 2008 wasn't a real smart Move. And takin' down the Whole Economy along with it, wasn't exactly brilliant either.
It kinda makes My People think, when are YOU PEOPLE, gonna learn?
You know whut I’m sayin’, huh, do ya, Jew Boy?
I mean, you don’t want to turn back the clock, now do ya? After all this Progress we’ve made? That would be a Shame, now wouldn’t it?
Well, uh, you certainly have given me something to think about.
Well, You People always have been Smart Thinkers! Inventin’ A-Bombs and writin Plays and such! Only now, you’re startin’ to act just like everybody else!
Yep, not so special no more, just as fucked up as everybody else! How does it feel to be part of the botched and bungled Insider Gang, to be a part of the Oppressor Establishment, instead of always the Oppressed Outsider, pointing out everybody else’s shortcomings??
What would make you think we’re part of the Establishment, the Old Boy Power Network?
Well, damn boy, you done got your fingers in the pie of the two most critical Power Tools of the 21st Century!
And what might that be?
Shit boy! Are you the only Dumb Jew left on the Planet?
(Guffaws, hoots and hollers from the others.)
Of Course Not!
(Silence.)
But, uh, what ARE the Two most Critical Power Tools of the 21st Century?
(Explosions of Laughter. Goober falls on the floor, and rolls off the porch!)
Hee-Haw! You are just like one of us, ain’t he boys!
(Lots of snickers and snorts from Goober, Earl and Virgil. Elton, well, he’s off to the side, playin’ the pie-anny, some tune called “Candle in the Wind”.)
Okay, I give up, JUST WHAT, are the TWO, MOST IMPORTANT, POWER TOOLS, of the 21ST CENTURY? PUH-LEASE! With Sugar On Top!
Co-Muny-Cay-Shuns, and Fi-Nance! With them two, a Giant Corporate World could pretty much take over a Democracy, now couldn’t it?
(Dead Silence.)
(Long Pause.)
(Nobody moves an inch. For a startling, heart stopping Instant, Time appears unmoving, frozen to a Dead Stop.)
(You can hear a pin drop. Then wind, and rustling leaves. A lone wolf howl, off in the distance. Is this the way the World Ends, in the Silencing of Truth, on an ice cold snow covered field, buried under a Cacophony of Icy, rock hard Lies?)
(And then, with one little bloop, like a drop of water dripping from an icicle, Time restarts, speeding into forward motion again, with a Whoosh of Air sound.)
(WHOOSH! POINK! BLOOP!)
I, uh, I’m not sure I get what you mean.
Boy, did you just fall off the turnip truck, or what? Check him Boys, see if he’s still wet behind the ears!
Look, Giant Corporations get a pile of money from their Operations, and they work hand in hand with them New York Finance boys, then they send in the lobbyists to Congress, pay off all the politicians, get everything their way, make even more money, and meanwhile, the little people, the Voters, is kept in the dark, because the Giant Co-Muny-Cayshun Corporations, owned by other Giant Corporations, CONTROL THE STORY, THE INFO, THE “FACTS”, THE IMAGES, THE PROPAGANDA, THE BELIEFS OF THE PEOPLE!
What are you, Boy, a widget head? A Dumb Nigger? A Dumb Bunny? Is it really possible for a Jew to be this STUPID? I thought you was one of them Smart Jew Boys! Mama-mia, I can’t believe this Feller! I can tell you ain’t one of them Rocket Science Jew Boys!
Look, Sir! I’m still not sure I get this! I mean, this IS a little, well, EXTREME! You know, Kooky, UFO Spaceship Stuff, little greenmen from Mars, you know what I mean? Like, “woo-woo-wee-woo!”
Okay, Ira, or Harold, or whatever your Sissy Jew Boy name is, listen up! One more time, you can’t have a Real Democracy, if the Voters aren’t Informed, aren’t told the Facts and the Truth, and are kept in the dark, and then can’t make informed decisions on how to vote on important issues!
If the Corporations Control Huge Piles of MONEY, and use the money to control the STORY and the “Facts”, and “Create” a “Truth” they want you to Believe, and then use the Money to Control YOUR Politicians, and get them to do what the Giant corporations Want them to do, then you no longer are a part of the DEMOCRACY!
Oh.
You are OUT of the LOOP at that point! You’re Out Of THE GAME! You’re NO LONGER a PLAYER! They have side lined you, put you out of the game, on the bench, and not participating any more! GOT IT, BUMPKINHEAD? You ain’t a PLAYER NO MO! You just along fo dee Ride, and it could get mighty Bumpy!
Oh.
(Silence. Toe circles in the sand.)
Well, gee, I guess I should thank you gentlemen, for this New Perspective! I really had never thought of it this way before, until you pointed this out to me! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it! Really!
Ahh, don’t mention it, just tryin’ to hep out! Cuz I know that deep down, you Jew Boys are Basically a Good People! Even tho you are a little Strange, always counting your money, and makin’ them Hollywood Fornicator Movies, and not believing in Jesus and all!
But I forgive ya, cuz I’m a Christian! We try to help others with their Faults!
Well, that’s, uh, Mighty White of you!
Ah, don’t mention it! It’s nothin’! Just part of bein’ Christian! It’s one of our Better Qualities! I always felt You People never really deserved that there HollerCost. Hell, that was a bit extreme, even for me. Once they were done killin’ the Bad Jews, they could of at least let the Good Jews go Free! But just one small piece of Advice…
What’s that?
Go easy on them crappy Hollywood films, okay? All your doin’ is makin’ that Techno Wiz crap for kids! And go easy on that rap crap stuff, and that fucked up, out of key shit that tries to pass for white boy rock n roll these days. If you can do that, I’d be mighty obliged!
Hey! Okay! No sweat! I’ll see what I can do!
’Preciate it. I know you’ll do your best. Pass the Word. When you Jew Boys set your minds to sumthin’, you usually don’t leave any stones unturned.
Oh, and Jew Boy?
Yes?
MUZZLE TROUGH! And SHOW LONG, to ya! And have some of them YUMMY KIPPER fish, fried in bacon grease, for Christmas! And (wink-wink), don’t get too High on them thar Holy Days, cuz Pot ain’t too good for motivation, and the last thing we need is Unmotivated Jews! You got that, Jew Boy?
Yes, Sir!
Oh, and Jew boy?
Yes?
One more thing! I still love ya, even though ya did kill Jesus! There’s still hope for ya yet!
One day you may even start believing in the Real God, not that made up Jew God yer always prayin’ to! See, I believe in the Power of Prayer, so you don’t want to be wastin your Precious Prayer time on that Mohammed, or Yahweh dude, that’s just a dead end street! You see, the real God was this White Dude from Sweden, with blonde hair and blue eyes, not that kinky African shit.
Oh, I never really knew that! Thanks for setting me straight!
Now, them Jew Chicks are another story! A lot of them are not bad looking! I wouldn’t mind doing me a few of those! You know any good lookin’ Jew Chicks, huh, Jew Boy?
Maybe.
Can I still marry one, and have Hot Fornicator Sex, if don’t Convert? Or does that mean I’ll turn into an Infidel, and Burn in Hell?
Uh, I’m not sure.
Yeah, well, you let me know on that one! Maybe you could ask one of your Rabbit preachers!
Rabbit Preachers?
Yeah, you know, them Singing Rabbits in your Sin-o-Gods! You Jew People must feel awful guilty about something, naming your churches “Sin-o-Gods!”
That’s Synagogue! And it’s Rabbi Cantors!
Yeah, sure! Hey! I got me a lucky Rabbits foot I always carry around with me, and I was wondering…
What?
Well, it don’t sing or nothin’, but do ya think maybe it’s a Jewish Rabbit?
Signed,
Rabbi Faint Bernard, the non-denominational rabbit saint, which means we take dollars, yen, pounds, francs, you name it! And on a Bad Day, oi, we’ll even take German marks.
Top of the Mornin’ to Ya!
And a Fiddle-dee-dee on your roof top, as well!
Here, have a Bagel…and a little Schmeer! And be nice to your Motha! Where would you be, without “Huh”! (that’s New Yawk for “Her”). You’ll catch on.
* * *
At the New York Times Thought Control Department.
(Knock-knock.)
(A tiny little window in the door slides open, and an eyeball peeks out.)
Whaddaya want?
Can you Print this?
What, are you NUTS?
I’m just asking!
Get out of here! I got a newspaper to run! This ain’t news, this is Reality! We don’t Print Reality!
Why?
Do you think we’re CRAZY? We can’t print Reality, it’s TOO FUCKING REAL.
Why not?
How many times I gotta tell ya! We print news, not reality!
Now go away! You’re buggin’ me! I got work to do!
(Bam! Door slams. Sound of muffled voices, yelling.)
Print Reality! What flyin’ saucer is that guy on? I can’t fuckin’ believe that guy! Where do they get these people? My God, such a headache!
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved, including my right to wear a Yar-Mooka, whenever my head is Cold! And in Russia, that’s A LOT! Whoa! I gotta go, here comes my Flyin’ Saucer!
Hang on, I gotta adjust my E-Meter! WOW! I just got an Image of Tom Cruise, sitting on the can, taking a crap, staring at Heaven, and wearing a Sea Captains Hat! Is that a miracle, or what?
* * *
I knew a Banker on Wall Street that played the Hanukah.
What? You mean the Harmonica!
No, I mean the Hanukah!
This is a joke, right, well, it’s not Funny!
I’m telling you, he played the Hanukah! But he finally stopped playing.
Why?
Because every time he did, Wall Street would Burn Down, and we would all get the BLUES!
Ba-Dum-BUMP! Cymbal CRASH! Take my Life Savings, PLEASE!
Believe it or not, I just made this Joke up! At 3:15 PM, December 09, 2009!
Is this an Anti-Semen Joke, or what? You need a Kleenex for this one! This one’s all over the place!
* * *
Well, I think that’s a wrap!
Should we send this to the New Yawk Times?
No, they’ll never print it.
Why?
Not enough Guts. Appeasement is the name of the Game. They have too many people to Appease. No point in standing up to the New Financial Tyrant. You’ve heard of Ethnic Cleansing? Well, this is called, Ethnic Pleasing.
Let’s go for lunch! There’s a new place on Wall Street, very popular.
What’s it called?
The Financial Crematorium.
Sounds Good! Let’s Go!
They have this delightful crème based Mortgage tortilla wrap, and bloody Sub-Prime Ribs!
Hmmm! Delicious!
Those Wall Street Boys really know their way around a Cooked Set of Accounting Books!
I’ll say!
Did you hear from now on, Wall Street is going to be regulated by the New York City Fire Department?
No, I didn’t hear that!
Yeah, the Fire Department has a much faster Response Time! They actually recognize Financial Fire when they see it! And they don’t hire Blind Financial Fireman! And with NYFD, as opposed to Wall Street, the Incentive is to put the fire out, before it burns down The Economy, and not add more bodies, and gasoline, for an extra brighter, flaming Ass Bonus!
It sounds like an entirely different Philosophy!
Yeah, one is Short Term, the other is Long Term!
What’s weird is the short term philosophy fucks a lot more people, and benefit’s a lot fewer!
I gotta think about that, I never thought about that before!
* * *
I once knew a Jewish banker on Wall Street, who played the menorah in a band, during Hanukah!
Wait a minute! You mean he played the Harmonica, during Hanukah?
No, he played with the menorah, but then he stopped.
Why?
Because every time he lit the menorah, he set on fire Some More Wall Street Manure, and burned down the house, and gave everybody the Blues!
So no one wanted him in the Band anymore?
No. Needless to say, his Musical Career was very short lived!
Yeah, guys like that are always going up in a Chimney of Smoke.
Kinda like a Financial “Off Switch”?
Yeah, like that. “Arbeit Macht Fire”, or “Work sets you on Fire!”, or, “Work burns down Wall Street!”
You’d think people like that would learn, after all the Hollering, the Costs, people getting Burned, and their Life Savings turned into a pile of Ashes!
Yeah, but I think “Never Forget”, never really works on Wall Street.
Do ya think maybe it’s something Genetic?
I don’t know, let’s ask Einstein, he was smart.
Apparently those other guys don’t seem to know.
[Ka-chunk! Spotlight off. Stage dark.]
* * *
At the Museum of Historical Authenticity, Gallery of Financial Red Ink. If You Don’t Know Your History, You’re Doomed to Repeat It! Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, If you Invest with Wall Street, You Could Go Bust!
Note to Future Time Capsule Boy!
File this under “Hanukah, 2008-9”: The consecration of the “New Wailing Wall” of Greed, at the Temple of the Money Changers, on Wall Street, in New Jewruthlessem, New Yawk City, USA, Planet Earth, Ford Galaxy 500.
Definitions: “Arbeit Macht Frei”, “work makes you free”. Slogan in the Gate at Auschwitz Death Camp. The New Wall Street translation is, “Work sets us all on Fire!”
Wailing Wall, the Wall where prayers are said for Lost Souls. Whaling Wall, the wall where fat Wall Street Whales, say prayers for lost Gold, and stereotypes are set in Stone.
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all comen zee Back now! You hear, Jew Boy?
Vee haff new Innovative ways to make you Invest your Life Savings, Ja?
It’s just a short train ride away! Trust me!
Vee wouldn’t lie to You, would we?
Look, I give you a really good price on GOLD, or anything else you got!
Come On! Whatdaya say? It’s a Good Deal!
Come on Down! To Morty’s Finance Camp Bazaar!
You’ll “NEVER FORGET” the Place! I Guarantee it!
You’ll derive so much satisfaction from the place, you’ll never forget the word DERIVATIVE again!
* * *
By Y’all! I gotta go drive around the block in my Racistmobile!
Ver-room! Ver-ROOM!
Rumble-Bumble-Mumble!
You wanna go for a Ride, in my Big Black Car?
I have a tiny little, pink cigar!
Put your lips right there, and suck on it! Now don’t that Taste Good? Hmmm!
Now that’s what I call drivin down the river, and deriving the maximum river, of derivative Satisfaction!
Don’t you agree, Cornfish?
If you keep suckin on dat, maybe my No Good, Dog gone Account will start Growing Again! Yass, Suh!
* * *
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