Urgent Message To Future Boy, and Future Girl! Time Capsule With Important Instructions!

To Future Boy, and Future Girl! In the Years 2100, 2200 and 2300!

Dear Future Boy and Girl!

Howdy!

Am I being too Optimistic, about your Existence, in my long off Future?

I only say this because when you consider Global Warming, Uptight Republicans, and Fundamental Extremist “Christians/Muslims/Jews, AND Libertarians”, the future looks a little shaky. Do Muslims and Christians still exist in your time, or did they finally Succeed in killing each other off? If they did, was there any one there to Celebrate?

Did Jesus come back, and get Revenge on the Jews, for not believing He was the Son of GOD? Hey, it’s a reasonable Question! You ARE Much Closer to the “End Times”, than I am!

Do Pure Jews still exist, or did they marry all the Palestinians? Would an Arab, and a Jew, be called a “Jawrab”, or an “Arjewb”? Did this drive all the Rabbis crazy, to the point of converting to that Weird Asian Religion, called “Buddyism”, where everybody has to have a religious buddy?

Was the “Christian Rapture Departure Party” as exciting as they say it’s going to be, or did it turn out to be just another “regular dull day”, and postponed again, due to a reign of Reality Rain? Do you guys sell Rapture Vacation Interruption Insurance, if your Rapture Plans are spoiled? Or would that be more like a Vacation “Time Share”?

Holy Allah! I’m just asking, you don’t have to get all huffy! I guess people are still as Sensitive about “their” Religion in the Future, as they are now, huh?

Oh, I have a letter for you! Here it is! But you have to open it first!

(Sounds of envelope being opened, and rustling old crinkly letter paper.)

Here, I’ll read it for you in my disembodied Frozen Voice from the Past!

Hey, be careful there! My Frozen Head is Preserved in that sealed cryogenic bucket of Chocolate flavored Italian Water Ice, sitting next to your foot! Watch My Head! Don’t Slosh it around too much! It gets defrosted around the edges if you do that! Then I don’t look as good to women!

[Printed in bold RED Letters at top of page.]

“OPEN and READ IMMEDIATELY! If you have genetically improved speed reading, or super mental telepathy powers, or one of those Big giant Blobby Brain Heads, still DO NOT DELAY!”

LIFT FLAP! WARNING! DO NOT IGNORE the CONTENTS of this Important Envelope from the Past!

URGENT MESSAGE!

Ready?

Here it is! (Republicans, Super “religious” freaks, Ethically Challenged Businessmen, and Extreme Fundamental Marketists, please pay special attention!)

[TRUMPET FANFARE, from Angelic Drum and Bugle Corp.]

[A LOUD, God like, Echo VOICE. ]

“MESSAGE FOR FUTURE BOY and GIRL!”

Uh-hmm. [Clear throat, self explanatory, Pause for Suspense.]

“PEOPLE OF THE FUTURE! I SAY UNTO YOU! You Must Have Rules, for the Behavior of Businesspeople, or YOU WILL DESCEND INTO CHAOS!”

[Total Silence.]

[Future Person.] Is that it?

[Disembodied Frozen Head.] “Do you want me to repeat it?” [This line can be delivered in either Total Deadpan, or, in a tone of Helpful But Mild Disbelief, or with a rising Hint of Irritation, and, all in an Echoey, Boomy, God like Voice, as if you were God, but frozen in a bucket.]

No, you don’t have to repeat it. But all this Time, to Deliver one Fucking Letter, and this is all you can say, “Have Rules to Prevent Chaos?”

I mean, come on! You communicate Across the Time Barrier, something that was considered IMPOSSIBLE up till now, and all you can say is, “Have Rules for Businesspeople?” That’s it?

[Big, Boomy, God like, frozen bucket VOICE.] “Okay, I was holding back, there is more, you’re right! I’m not finished yet!” [The Sound Echoes in a circle, around the Cryogenic frozen bucket Chamber.] (ECHO, Wecko, snecko… more, smores, bores, yet, bets, nets, bweep. Sloosh.)

“Woosh-Aahh! Woosh Aahh! Uhh-Hmm.” [Deep Breathing, like Jesus breathing into a Giant, Shure brand Microphone, painted black, and stuck in a Nazi helmet, to look like Garth Vader, from the Corporate Empire Strikes back, by Hollywood Deathstar Mega Films.]

“Whoosh-Aahh, Enforce the Rules, whoosh-Aahh!”

“Because actually Enforcing the rules, turns out to be Pretty Important!”

“This means, Jail Time for Bad Behavior, for Breaking the Rules”.

“OH! And, I forgot, you must have Penalties, Serious Penalties, for BREAKING THE RULES!” (ECHO, flecko, blecko… rules, fools, pools, pleent.)

“Otherwise, having the rules is POINTLESS, without Penalties!” (pointless without penalties, pointless, penalties, echo, gecko, fleffil, skwink.)

“Yep! Rules are pretty pointless, if there are no penalties, AND they’re not enforced!” (wurst, burst, cursed, boink.)

“So, how’s that? Is that pretty clear, Future Boy/Girl?”

“Oh, and don’t fire the police on Wall Street, or on any Business Street!”

“There, I’m done.”

(Whooshie-Shmooshie-Aaahh.)

Hang on a second! That last one, I still don’t get! Why do you need a cop on Ball Street, and on “Give ’em the Business” Street?

“BECAUSE THE COPS ENFORCE THE RULES, YOU IDIOT!” (Ka Floormp! Crash! Flungle, bungle, skerreeench!) [Sound of microphone falling, crashing, and rolling onto floor. Soundman on side of stage hits big flat sheet of wiggly metal, with a rubber hammer, for that wiggly wobbly sound.]

[Then, sound of screeching cat, fingernails scraping on a chalkboard, and a high pitched “eeeeeeeee” sound, like when aliens from outer space start invading, and killing all the puny Earthlings.]

(SCREEEEEeeeeeeeeeeCHH!) [Phew! It’s only Feedback, from the microphone.]

(ECHO, BLECKO, SNECKO, didiot, pidiot, diblit, bleent.)

“How STUPID are you guys, in the Future?”

I ain’t Stupid! Don’t call me Stupid!

“Okay, so whaddya Think of my Futuregram, ya Futuretwit? Pretty radical, and gnarly tubular, huh? Like, Dude, it’s so Totally AWESOME!”

“OH! AND by the way, ignore this message, at your own peril! Unless of course, everything is Free in the Future, then you can ALL STEAL from Each other, and IT WON’T MATTER, if you have Rules or not!”

“Pretty Cool, huh?”

“You Future guys shouldn’t have any problems with this, becuz you have BIG Blobby, Cookie Dough, Super Brains, on top of your heads, right?”

“And spindly little stick fingers, just like ET?”

“Do you guys ever get the urge to just, GO HOME, like ET did?”

“No?”

“Hey, do me a favor! In a real low voice, say ‘ET, Phone Home!’”

“Go ahead! It won’t hurt! I’m sure you guys have a zillion cell phone minutes, now that you’re on the Universal Eternity Plan.”

“Do you guys just think of Stuff, and it becomes Instantly Real, like Instant Coffee? You know, like Think Positive, and Abundance will happen, and there will be an open parking space just waiting for you, when you get there?”

“I mean, like, do you guys actually create your Own Reality? Or is it the other way around, where Reality creates You?”

“Hey Man, don’t knock it, you have a lotta time to think, when your head is frozen in a bucket. I mean, these are just your Normal, run of the mill bucket type questions.”

“Talk about your four walls! A Bucket is just one big freakin’ Wall Continuum! I never knew how Quantum Physical a bucket could be! I mean, when you think about it, the Universe is basically just one big Giant Bucket!”

“Plus, when you’re head is in a bucket, you don’t often get to talk with People from the Future. I mean, once in a Lifetime, and that’s about it.”

“Next time, I’m hangin’ some pictures in here. And it helps if you take off the lid, and get some Fresh Air.”

* * *

You’re On Your Own, Future People! Bye-Bye! I’m DEAD!

Okay Future Boy/Girl, that’s it! You’re on your own. I was polite enough to WARN you, now it’s up to you! You see, I’m dead, floating around in a Random Memory Bank somewhere, in a Heavenly Ether Net, on a 9 bazillion gigawiggle flash drive.

It’s not bad, the only problem is, I’m hanging on a cord, around some computer dork’s neck, who sounds just like Squeaky Boy Bill Gates! This Computer Geek wouldn’t know where to put his Penis, if it bonked him in the eye, and said “Over here”.

Hey! A Talking Penis, do they have those in the Future?

Stupid me! Of course they do! It’s that same old “dick” next door, and that douche “cunt” around the corner! Same old, same old! Don't you guys have the new “Anti-Jerk, Anti-Douche Bag” pills yet, that will cure Society’s dicksters and bitch cunts?

Chocolate Frozen Bernie! Mmm, Good! Gee Mom, Can I Have Some More?

Just to be safe, I froze myself, as you know by now, in a bucket of Chocolate flavored Italian water ice, in a secret vault, in case I can come back, and get a new body.

Personally, I got my eye on the Sean Connery-James Bond body style, Model Number 007. I think the Chicks kinda went for his Englishy Shtick, or is that, “His Stick”?

Anyway, I hear that new Human Bodies are very inexpensive in the future, and readily available from General Human MegaZorp, their Fisher Body and Carriage Division, due to low labor costs on distant planets.

“General Hum” figured out how to install advanced computer brains in space animals, and have them work on assembly lines, where the pay really is peanuts, and afterwards, when their service life is over, they make really good stew meat. Aah! Union busting at its Best!

That’s why all the Corporations went into space, right? Lower labor costs? The whole Asia thing was kinda played out, right? I mean, how are ya gonna keep an Asian Labor Cost down on the farm, once they’ve seen Gay Paree?

But my main Message to you is, “Read your History books!”, ya Super Future Boy, and Don’t Keep Repeating the same mistakes once, twice, thrice, or even three times a Lady!

[Dreamy look at the sky. Just how long was Lionel Ritchie’s Schlong? Or was it more like a Man Donkey, or King Kong, Dong? You Big Ape! Hump me!]

Roger That, Space Boy! The Mental Module Has Landed!

Okay? Any Questions? Now if you don’t understand the main point of this Urgent Future Message, I will now explain it to you, as if you are mentally handicapped, or a Space Monkey from the future, with a dual core Intel Chimp Chip, with Microsoft 1776-2.0a., Vista Moon Fuck. Ready? Here goes…

You’re the Mom. Businesspeople are like your little boys playing with matches. Mom doesn’t let the Kids play in the living room with matches, and BURN DOWN THE FINANCIAL HOUSE, while she gets drunk in the kitchen and watches “Oprah, The New Messiah.” Got it?

The Future Republicans should like that one, they like it when things are made Overly Simple. It makes it easier to Sell Ideas to Stupid people, and it appeals to the Republican get rich quick, fuck everybody else Style of Thinking.

Oh! Did Republicans ever find a way to get Markets to “self-regulate” and police themselves, or did they finally give up that shit, when Jew Evolution Science discovered that Foxes would never be able to guard Chickens?

Is it true that Mankind still hasn’t found a way to install a Real Heart in a Republican? Do they know yet if Republicans “choose” their Cold Hearted, greedy, sinful Lifestyle, or are they just Born that Way?

Can Republicans be converted to Love others, if they’re abducted by a spaceship, and spend a week at a Jesus Camp, or are they Doomed to their Perverted Hatred of “The Others”, also known as, “The Different”, or the Sinbad Zinfandel Infidel?

Does Jesus still wear sandals in the Future, or does he have some kind of intergalactic, flying, walk on water Rocket boots? Is Jesus Black, White, or Gray? Was Jesus born in Africa, or was He a REAL White American Citizen? This is very important to some people down here, or I guess I should say, “back here”, in Time.

Does Jesus look Norwegian, with blonde hair and blue eyes, kinda like a Nazi, with tiny lips? Or does Jesus look swarthy brown, or olive toned, or purple black skinned, with kinky hair, big lips, and a big nose, like your Usual Ugly, Non Superior, Nigger Jew Boy?

This is Extremely and Very Important to a lot of Super Religious people back here, in my Time. The Fate of many Church Portraits of Jesus, awaits your Future Answer. Boiled down, I guess I’m really asking, was Jesus Norwegian, or a Nigger? And does this explain why Norwegians can’t dance?

Oh, I forgot, does Jesus have a hook nose, or a ski slope style, or one of those Big Brooklyn Honkers? Or is it kinda tiny, perky and up-turned, like a blond SuperModel?

That’s NOT an unreasonable Question, you jerk! Jesus DID say He was coming back a Second Time, and His Dad has the Power to Do ANYTHING, so he could get a Nose Job you know! If a Jewish Chick on LongGuyland can get a Nose Job, SO CAN JESUS, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! And He probably needed it, after the JEWS BEAT HIM to DEATH!

No wonder all those Jewish Doctors invented the nose job, they felt sorry for Jesus!

Now, that’s what I call Interfaith Cooperation! Really seeing eye to eye, or nose to nose!

Can you take a little more off the Tip, I’d like to look a little more White!

That’s the Ticket! Damn, that’s one mighty whitey, fine looking Jew! Hollywood, here I come!

* * *

Genetic Binge Engineering, and Was Jesus GAY? Only His Hair Dresser, Knows For Sure!

Oh, do you have the New Genetically Engineered, Bio-Chick, Monsanto Super Wheat Thin Models in the Future? I heard they were only 70 pounds, Dude!

They call them the “Auschwitz House Wisp” Ultra Fashion Model, Size Number .05, made by the Concentrated Genetic UltraTube BioCorpse Fashion Corporation. Just add enough calorie free water from an intravenous tube, for the desired Dress Size and Body Style, fluff into Shape, and Blow Dry!

She’s half human, half chocolate potato computer chips, and half Moisturizer! They claim this will cure Obesity, Eating Disorders, and Dry Skin! All the guys Want her! And the Gay Dress Designers find her “SO EASY” to Drape, she’s just a living DOLL! Would I kid you?

But back to Jesus, cuz he is, as we all know, THE MOST IMPORTANT, Religious Figure of all Time, except maybe a Chunky Chick, with wide hips and a WET PUSSY with large Vaginal Lips.

I’ll Bow Down, and Pray to that! Here’s MY OFFERING! PRAISE the PUSSY! PUSSY, TAKES ME NOW! I iz Ready to Goes to Pussy Heaven!

Oh SWEET PUSSY! YOU ARE MY LORD, AND SAVIOR! WITHOUT YOU, I AM NOTHING!

So, does Jesus, bless his heart, wear hair gel, and a bad rockstar “bedhead” haircut? Or really dirty looking dreadlocks, or those upright “squinched” cowlick points, from Spanky, of Our Gang, that look like an angry gay hair dresser gave you a head massage with Super Glue?

Hairdresser, singing in Manhattan Salon, to “Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair”, while angrily “squinching” customers hair: “I’m gonna wash my Angry Female Side, right out of this Straight white guy’s Hair! Even if it takes the entire, South Pacific!”

“Then I’m gonna Blow Ya, till your DRY! Yippee! I’m a Real Girl, finally, at last!
You put it right in there, silly, that’s where it goes!”

And the Next big Salon musical hit, is the musical “Oklahoma”, renamed “Okay, I’m a Homo!”

The main line of the lead song, first verse? “You’re gonna be OK, in Oklahoma, you Big Homo, cause I’m a Homo, who is OKAY!”

“Cuz I REALLY LOVE Jesus, and his Holy Hot Bod! He’s such a Dreamy Miracle!”

“Now Dance, you cowboy booted Bitch! Dance! Yee-haa! I’m coming out of my right wing, republican, evangelical Closet, right now!”

“I’m gonna Dang it, Wang it, and Hang it, you Wild Conservative White Boy! I’m Free at Last, in the Dark Corners of the Big Republican Tent, with two HUGE Tent POLES, yours and Mine! I’ll meet you in the Bathroom Stall, otherwise known as Big Gulp GOP ‘Head’ Quarters!”

“Oh, GOD! You’re YOOJ!”

[Overhead speaker.]

“Cleanup in Aisle Three! Sticky mess in aisle three! Call the Jesus Janitorial Squad! We need a Holy Mop here! Good Lord, it’s a fucking Biblical FLOOD!”

SKA-WHOOSH!

* * *

Jesus: Boxer, or Briefs?

Now, this Next Question is Really Important! The Entire Right Wing Religious Establishment could either Collapse, or come out of the closet, on this one.

Ready?

Is Jesus a briefs, or boxers guy? Speedo, or regular uptight guy?

Becuz you know, Dude, if it’s Speedo, Americans will freak out over the possibility of Jesus being GAY. Man, that would really mess up all those “Burn Again” EvanJelloLocos!

Jesus, what if Jesus, is GAY? Never thought of that did you? It’s Possible!

He WAS into all that Lovey dovey shit! And, He traveled around with 12 “Disciples”, all Men, “learning” (wink wink) HIS “WAYS”, if you know what I mean! And what about all that Turning and Kissing the “other cheek”! Who’s Cheek? WHAT Cheek? I wonder what THAT meant, hmmm? I mean, Dude, this is Important stuff!

And those 12 Disciples (or “learners”) were probably all sharing the same animal stables, and cuddling up to keep warm in the same hay bales, and barn stalls, which as you know, are very similar to today’s airport bathroom stalls, where they are always catching Republicans and right wing Preachers! Could it be Genetic, or are they just Choosing this Sinful Bathroom Stall lifestyle?

If Jesus is Gay, think of the Marketing Opportunities! Gay dudes have lots of MONEY!

You could sell him as the Gold Medal Winner, in the Walk on Water Swim Team Olympics! Or the Special “Special” Olympics, with Miracle Cures for God’s Little Sinful Defectives, those who have chosen to be Sinfully Sexually Handicapped! Frosted Flakes Cereal Box, here I come! It’s a Frosted Fruity Miracle! Think of the “Recruitment” possibilities for a whole new crop, of Serial, happily gay, customers!

Now, one last thing.

Is Jesus into body piercing, or tattoos, like, you know, your standard Sailor Boy “I Luv Mary” inside a Big Valentine Heart Chocolate Box, or your Typical Underclass Chick with her “Butterfly over Her Ass Crack, or above Her Precious Wet Hungry Pussy”, or your standard, gaudy, Overdone Crosses with Snakes and Christmas Lights, or just a plain old “Jesus (Heart) You”?

Or, maybe a Euro street sign tattoo, of a Priest fondling a little boy, with a “No” slash thru it? Or, the New 11th Catholic Commandment, “Holy Father, Thou Shall Not Diddle, with the Choir Boys Fiddles”?

If Jesus is into tattoos, is His whole arm GREEN, from the Tattoos, like a Circus Freak, or more like a Skin Fungus Disease, or Gangrene, from Hanging Out on the Cross too long? Ya know, these are Important Fashion and Medical Questions! Was it Gangrene, or Tattoos? Cuz if it was Gangrene, you gotta amputate!

Oh, forget about the body piercing Question! I just remembered about Jesus being NAILED to the Cross. Major body Piercing on that one! WOW, Dude! Bummer!

Wrap It Up!

I guess that about covers it…

Oh, now that you’re reading this from the Future, and I really have been very patient, waiting to hear from you, which is probably why you Haven’t Called (you Bitch) do you have the long predicted Flying Cars yet? Or steak in a Pill?

And do you have those automatic, life sized, super-realistic sex mannequins that replace real Women, and say things like “Fuck me now, Big Boy, you’re the Bestest guy a Girl could EVER Have?” Or, “Oh God! Your Meat is Huge! I just love your Yooj Juicy Fandango Meatstick! You Snake! My god, You Elephant!”

Huge is pronounced “yooj”, in Nu Yawkese, when you turn on her “Accent” switch, which is located on her back, just below her ass, for easy access, for some of that Hot Brooklyn Flavor! “Oh Tony, your Meat is Yooj! I don’t know if I can take it ALL in, in my tiny little Tight Pussy, that’s just waiting for your YOOJ MEAT! Is that a Cocko SALAMI, or what?!”

If you can answer these questions, please reach me at the following email address: Jetson Hotel, 64 Bit Ram Drive, Megahertz City, Ford Galaxy Number 9, Cosmic Nebula 764 Million, dot/com/universe/Big Bang Parkway. Attention: Faint, ever so faint, Bernard. I’m just Mr. Dust in the Wind!

The post office should have no trouble finding me, because as you well know, they did eventually find Santa Claus at the North Pole. He was Frozen, and when the Global Warming came, that’s when they finally found him. It wasn’t pretty.

Wolves, bears, polar sharks, angry kids, Businessmen, corporate retailers, you get the picture… Some tattered red fluffy velvet, and a few white hairs, and a belt buckle, was about all that was left of him, although he had Neatly Filed Every Last Kid’s Gift List, in fireproof, waterproof, filing cabinets, using the John Dewey card catalog Greenwich Time Zone system.

Okay, I’m gonna go and heat up some frozen Industrial Meat Paste, you get pretty hungry floating around up here all day. And besides, I want to get in out of the solar wind, it really does dry out your skin if you don’t moisturize…


Signed,
Your little Cosmic Buddy,
Faint Bernard
As faint as a twinkly little star!
Never quite made Saint, but I'm still workin' on it...

I think I got a good chance to make Saint, cuz I never Molested anybody, except myself, during my time as a Sexual Priest, to the Women of the World!

Don't defrost me too fast! I don’t want to get Lumpy Frozen Spots!

And scrap any petroleum jelly from my face! It keeps off the Freezer Burn, but if you don’t remove it first, it’ll catch fire from the Microwave Defroster, just like those Frozen Dinner Entrees! And Burnt plastic doesn’t make good cologne.

Hey, do you guys in the future ever watch old Star Trek the Next Generation episodes?

Did the USA ever have affordable national health care? Or did the insurance companies just keep on fucking everybody till the end of time?

Let me know, because I need a doctor to look at this flipper thing that's growin' on my forehead.

Do you guys have flippers?

How long are your Dicks?

Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights Reserved, including my right to chop my head off, and wait for the FUTURE!

Now if I could just get a little better TV programming, I could find out if Picard, as Locutus, gets rescued from the Borg. Did you guys see that episode? Hey, if you guys turned into the Borg, you can forget about defrosting me! And you can lose my email address too!

Just press Delete! I don’t want to be a Borg Dude, with tubes and shit all in me, even though those rubber suits are pretty damn Impressive!

Squeak, squeak. Zizz-zizz! Ka-Chunk!

“I am Bernard, of Flatulus! You will Obey! Resistance is FUTILE!”

“You will be Assimilated, if you are a LEGAL AGE FEMALE! Your DELICIOUS ASS, will be THOROUGHLY STIMULATED, by my prodigious KISSES and LICKS !”

“Oh yes, Bernardy! My Resistance IS FUTILE! I won’t resist you at all! I’ll be your Little Borgy Button Dog!”

“Stimulate Me Immediately, You Big Hunky Man Machine You! I’ll Do EVERYTHING you want me to! I just love a Man in a Impressive Dominating Suit, with a Hard as Steel, oversized ELECTRIC PENIS!”

“I’ll be your Little Borgy Worgy Love Doll, FOREVER!”

“STIMULATE ME! AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!”

“FASTER!”

“KEEP…”

“GOING…”

“OH! Wulla, Wulla, WULLAAAH!”

“NOW, BORG ME! BORG IT! HARDER, You Half Man, Half Dick!”

“Jam Your Swedish Jesus Smorgas Borg Penis, IN ME, ALL THE WAY! To the END of My LOVE TUNNEL!”

“DON’T STOP! YOU Hot Sex Machine!”

“I NEED IT ALL THE TIME, TILL THE END OF TIME! Becuz I AM ME! I AM WOMAN! Becuz I bring home the bacon, and slosh it around, all over me!”

“I NEVER, EVER, GET ENOUGH!”

“NOW TAKE OUT THE FUCKING GARBAGE Dear, and FIX THE FUCKING ROOF! And, WHEN YOUR DONE THAT, I’LL THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOU TO DO, LIKE BUYING ME SOMETHING NICE! You Pussy whipped Wuss!”

“OH! And how about FUCKING ME BETTER, you lazy ass Fucker! That wasn’t quite as good, as I like it! See that you get a little more practice, and show a little more Enthusiasm! Anything worth doing, is worth doing well! I’m warning you, if you don’t fuck me in the Style I Deserve, then I’ll find someone who will!”

“And don’t give me any of that Crap about you think you’re having a Heart attack! I’m not gonna fall for that shit anymore! And you better have a Big Life Insurance Policy, Buddy, and ALL paid up, or you’re not coming near this PUSSY!”

Husband: “Yes, Dear. You’re the Boss. Whatever you say. I don’t mind. I lost my balls a long time ago. I think you put them in the Blender.”

“You see, philosophically, for a man, marriage is a lot like being a Dog. When you finally get ‘Fixed’, you’re a lot calmer. And you don’t pee on the carpet. And besides, I never could lick my own balls, anyway.”

“Overall, you get used to being treated like a dog. You even get used to leaving all your ‘Own Shit’ outside. And, after awhile, you even get used to eating shit.”

“Dogs, and husbands, the American Girl’s Pets. And a Girl’s Best Security System.

“WOOF!”

“Yes Dear!”

“And don’t forget to buy ‘He Man Dog Food’ for your male pets! With sweet, sour, and bitter Sauce to keep the meal from being to hard to swallow!”

“Buy a Big Old Bag Today!”

“That’s ‘He Man Brand Dog Food!’ Feed your Pets Right!”

“Anything, for the American Pussy, and her Style of Life! The Alpha Queen, and Royal Bitch, of Pet World!”

“WooF!”

“See, even he says, ‘That’s right Dear!’”

“Good Doggie! Now Go FETCH!”

“And bring Momma back, something Big, and Expensive!”

“Good Boy!”

“Now wag your Tail!”

“Now fuck me!”

* * *

www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com

Y’all come back!
I just might, have a drop or two left.

Do I look better in this flea collar, or that one?

* * *

“Miss Sodginee, may I go the bathroom, please?”

“No, you may not.”

“You have to stay in class, and learn your lesson.”

* * *