The FBI raided several Wall Street Banking Firms today, arresting top executives, and charging them with Constructing Highly Toxic Loan Bombs, distributing and detonating Weapons of Mass Financial Destruction, committing Acts of Financial Terrorism on the American Homeland, and contributing to the Financial Death and Maiming of untold millions of American Citizens.
The Head of the Department of Homeland Financial Security, Chief Elliot Mess, said the perps would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, including the Crime of Regulatory Shopping, which is getting into bed with the Regulatory Agency that is the sluttiest, and the least likely to prosecute for Banking Prostitution.
Chief Mess promised he would start with a “clean sheet” of bank bedding, and force everyone from now on to "Come Clean!", or at least wear a transparent Cash Condom, and be responsible for their excessive ejaculatory financial deposits.
Wall Street financial terrorists will be sent to fundamentalist religious re-education camps in VaChina or Packagestan, where they will be taught that some acts of financial masturbation would from now on, be “Untouchable”, said G-Man Elliot Mess. In particular, the act of “beheading” would be discouraged, where you break off the head of your Corporate Penis, while attempting highly unusual, perverted and derivative, financial acts.
He also promised a new era of Prohibition, against Financial Excessive Sexual Standard Deviation, Mortgage Molestation, the anal preoccupation with wide open Anal Financial Fees, Financial Dickery, and the Crime of Financial Rape.
Pox Noozooze, and the Cash Supreme Court, complained this would interfere with the rights of Businessmen to run their businesses any way they want, and prevent them from committing financial crimes of Opportunity, as the “Free” market becomes ever Wilder, and “free-er”.
They also complained that Any Rules, however weakly enforced, would make them Uncompetitive with other Unethical Multinational Corporations, and would interfere with, and be a Gross Violation of, the Constitutional Rights of Corporations to act Without any checks and balances against their Right to have unlimited power, in their never ending pursuit of controlling human life, achieving total liberty, and gaining absolute financial happiness, and ultimately, to Worship Profit, as the Only, Real, and worthwhile Supreme Prophet.
The Department of Wild Wall Street Fish and Casino Gaming, recently created by Republicans, along with the for-profit “financial environment” groups, "Greenback Dollar Earth", "Raise the Maximum Wage" and "Save the Pot-Bellied Wall Street Walrus", protested vehemently at police headquarters by shouting repeatedly, "I want my Bonus!", and “A Big Bonus feels Good!”
Posters of fat, pin-striped Wall Street Walruses, puffing cigars, tied to the hoods of Lincoln Town Cars like dead deer, were seen everywhere, provoking cries of "Cruelty!" from well dressed Park Avenue matrons, who were seen sobbing, and collapsing into their Chauffeur's arms.
One top executive, dressed entirely in a Suit of Immaculate Gold, was seen floating down from a top floor window, wearing a parachute made entirely of Gold bird feathers and embroidered Diamonds. As policeman nabbed him, a blonde reporter from POX NoNooz thrust her microphone into his blubbering walrus face, and tearfully asked, "Why are these Godless, Liberal, Soft on Crime Democrats doing this horrible, unjust, cruel thing to you?"
And in a voice that sounded disturbingly like a ghetto black man, the top exec said, "I didn't do Nuffin! I is Innocent! Why you be restin' me! I tol' you I ain't done Nuffin!”
And as the Squad car drove off down the street, with a cobblestone clatter, a lowly, and mere citizen yelled, "Why’d ya do it, Wally?"
And Wally the Wall Street Walrus, aka Old Saint Dick, was heard to say "I was only following the Market’s Orders, like a good Screwish Boy! Heil Hit Me, My Right Wing GOP Leader! Douchemarks over ALL!"
And to all, a terrible, crystal clear, good nite.
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved. Includin’ ma right to say, “Say it ain’t so Santa, say it ain’t so! Why’d ya have to FUCK all the Kiddies?” Merry Christmas! And a Happy Hanukah, for all the little Boys and Girls!
[Shhh! It’s Bedtime for little Rachel, and for Tolafalofaleesha, and as Daddy tucks them in, they look at Daddy and say…]
What’s a mortgage, Daddy?
Where do Wall Street Walruses live, Daddy?
Do we get a Bonus, too?
Do they really make parachutes out of Gold?
Can I get a parachute for Christmas, Hanukah, or Qwanzamas?
Daddy, what’s an eco…eco…nomic meltdown?
Will Santa burn down our chimney too?
Daddy, what’s the difference between Ideology and Religion?
Daddy, what’s the difference between Blue Collar Crime, and White Collar Crime?
Why would the color of your shirt make any difference, huh, Daddy?
What is an “Anti-Regulation Republican Christian”, and why don’t they care about the Little People like Us?
Is it true that White Men in Positions of Power (Christians, Jews, Atheists and Monetary Idolatrists) all Burned down Wall Street, so they could get chunks of gold from a Golden Bull Calf, with a giant golden penis?
Why would they want to do that Daddy? Why?
Daddy?
Yes…
Can we buy a fire extinguisher tomorrow?
Why?
Because those Bad Men might come back, and Burn down our house too, and leave us all in the street, with Nothing to do, and nothing to Eat!
Tomorrow, dear, we’ll get a fire extinguisher tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day! For you, and Scarlett, and Little Orphan Annie, and Toto, too!
Can we get one for every room in the house?
Yes, dear!
Can we get Financial Smoke Detectors too?
Certainly, dear!
And batteries for the Financial Smoke Detectors? And a Consumer Protection Agency, to protect the consumer against Unethical Corporations, with too much unchecked power?
Well, dear, we’ll have to ask Congress for Protection. You see, Republican Roman Senators may consider Consumer Protection an unnecessary “Entitlement” undeserved by the ordinary defenseless citizen, or an unfunded mandate, or a runaway activist legal judgment, or “unnecessary growth” in illegitimate Big Gubmint, or not a tax cut for the rich!
Or they may feel that Consumer Protection is a “Nanny State Socialist Intrusion” into your own “personal responsibility”, or a “wrong incentive” for you to become complacent over your own financial fire safety!
Or that it's an UnConstitutional “redistribution” of Wealth and Protection, from Deserving Rich People to the “undeserving, fire conscious, handout seeking, little people”, or that Consumer Protection is an improper and “unconstitutional” socialist government concern over the welfare, life, liberty and pursuit of happiness of the Regular People, instead of just benefiting the people at the top!
Or that it provides “special rights” to protect gay people, or poor people, or older people, from Financial Fires, or it's unnecessary Special Rights for Consumers, or that it will actually cause Corporations and Rich People to pay taxes and give a shit about “the Other Citizens” in the Nation, or…
Why are you crying, darling?
Because what you’re saying is that, even before I’ve grown up to be a Woman, my Senators, and the Corporations, have already Raped me!
Well, I wouldn’t go that far!
But Daddy, that’s what it feels like to me! The Bad Old Rich Men have already put their Corrupted Corporate Cash Cocks into my Virginal Financial Vagina, into my Pure Pussy Purse, into my Uncontaminated Cash Cunt!
You see Daddy, without Consumer Protection the Corporate Kings get to Fuck all the new Virgins in the Kingdom, even before we all turn Sweet Sixteen, just like in the Old King Days, when the King got to pick and choose and fuck the Virgins in the Kingdom! It was called the Divine Kingly Right of First Something or other!
Daddy, why can’t you protect me from the Senators, and the Big Bad, Heartless and Cruel Corporations? Why, Daddy, WHY?
I don’t know, dear, I don’t know how this all Happened! But somehow, it did! It all comes down to POWER!
[Masked Cowboy, and Indian sidekick, on horseback, peering in window.]
Yes, Kemosabe, it all comes down to Power, and how power Corrupts, or my name isn’t Tonto!
Hi-Yo, Silver! And Away! The Lone Ranger Rides Again!
Oh, Daddy, maybe there are still Heroes! Heroes that can Slay the Corrupted Corporate Dragons, and the Evil Senators that ride them! And save us all, in the end! Who was that Masked Avenger, Daddy, where did he go?
I don’t know, my little darling, I don’t know. He disappeared a long time ago. The only heroes left, are on a computer generated Hollywood movie screen.
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www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back, now! I’ll sell ya a Smoke Detector Battery! Fully Charged! Not used at all! Trust me! I’m a Republican! I’ve got your best interest at heart! Really! I believe in God and Jesus! I would never sell you a Defective Smoke Detector Battery! Now, a Toyota with a defective gas pedal? That’s a different story!
That’s why we need Tort Reform, to stop unnecessary lawsuits, over products that are never defective, and doctors that are never careless!
“Tort Reform”, you see, will bring down health care costs! How? Well, if YOU can’t sue a doctor for being Careless, he won’t have to Spend any time or money to be careful, in taking care of you, and your insurance premium will go way down! Like magic! Republican Magic!
It’s simple Republican Logic! If you can’t sue the careless doctor, he doesn’t have to worry about being careful! You’ve taken away his “incentive” to be careful! And the Bonus is, your insurance premium will go down! And your care will get worse! But hey, that’s the price you pay for affordable health care! Tort Reform, the Magical Republican Solution, for lowering health care costs!
Of course, the insurance companies will probably just keep the doctor’s malpractice premiums high anyway, since the insurance companies only let a doctor see a patient for ten minutes anyway, not really enough time to diagnose you correctly to heal you! And that will mean your heallth insurance premiums will have to stay high also! I hope you have enough Life Insurance, with your family as the beneficiary.
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[On a small boat, lost somewhere in a dark swamp.]
Ogpo: “I’m not going to stop blaming Bush for the mess we’re in! I‘ve met the enemy, and it’s definitely the Republicans! Godless Devils, with horns and tails, and bags of radioactive money, all of them! Tax Cut for the Rich, Tax Fuck for everybody else! That’s the Republican Way! You betcha! And Health care not for all, just for some! Like for Senators, and rich people! That’s the American Way!”
“You gotta be willing to Die for your Country, Patriot Boy! All for one, none for all!”
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www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Your Gateway to Understanding Politics!
Your Vaginal Orifice to Understanding Being Screwed!
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