Sound Check! Ka-Thunk! Is This On?

Testing…Testing…fhoofff…can you hear me?

Thump…thump…Sound check…check, check!

Applesauce…chick check…chunky chick check!

May-po…Maybelline…Monkey Meat!

CRASH!

Ka-THUNK…frumble-bungle-rumple.

Screeee…Yow! Bizzzzt!

Uh…Sorry about that!

Phoof….PHOOF!

Way too Loud, Dude! Can you turn it down ten percent?

Try it now!

Uh-Hmm…“I owe it all to God, my Fans, and Country Radio! And my Mom!”

“Without them, I would be absolutely Nothing, but a little piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe! I would absolutely have No Talent At All!”

Oh-Kay! Much better!

I’ll see you all at the Con-Sert!

Oh, there will be a short warm-up act, then the Head Liner…

Who’s the Head Liner this time?

This time I’ll be using Maybelline Head Liner, because it outlines, and highlights my thoughts a lot more dramatically! It really sharpens and improves their Appearance, and makes my thoughts slimmer, so they fit more easily in people’s mental pants, and also makes my Ideas look about ten years younger!

Oh.


Signed,
Sound Check Boy!
(aka Faint Bernard, also Chief ThunderMonkey.)

The Big Black dick,
with the chromed Microphone trailer hitch chick,
who, when she’s on her meds,
is a slightly milder,
and sedated version,
of her Normal witch-bitch-shit.

Ain’t she a stitch!
Now don’t be runnin’ on about her Tight Little Ditch!
She’s real pertty, melts like warm silly wall patch putty,
and is nice, white and slutty,
and takes you to her Home, Coming,
like a real Chili Queen,
Chicken Kitchen Catch should!
All Breasts and thighs,
and a big ol chunk a White Meat,
Right between her Eyes! (Now that there, is a Double-double entendre! Top that, Fish hat!)

She looks grate in her Nascar Hat,
with her ass hanging out of her shorts,
and her boobs droppin’ out of her tight little jacket!
Yee-Hah! Ride her Hard, cowboy!
She’s got a face, that makes you wanna come,
and have her blow ya’, all over the place!

Okay, Cowboy, rat me a cuntree song to them thar leerics! Pronto Quisco!

Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights, delights, and nasal spites, Reserved, and Deserved. Including my right to nay, bob, and weave natteringly, with the Top Knobs, in a negative hop snobbery of Moral Relativism, as well as Human and Nice Doggy Secularism!

So Be It! So Sayeth Bernard, The Cosmic, Cyber Dorkal, Inter-Webal, Comic Pooter Prophet!

Ah-Choo! Wine Flu! Scritchy-scratchy, is this thing on?

Thumble…bormp…hizzzzz!

Holy Crap, why does this microphone look like a Big Black Dick?

Shit…I ain’t singing through THAT!

Give this mic to the Black Chick!

Let her get off on it, not me!

That thing’s just WAY Too Big! Shit, that’s in Fuckin’ Fire Hose Territory!

Me? I’ll stick with the old Tried and True, just me, and a Cat Box!

Now, let’s crank that sucker up, plug in them gitars, and get this show on the Road!

Me-Yow! You my Catnip, Baby! Purr for me, Honey Doll! Arch that back! Wag that Tail! Now here’s somethin’, I know you’ll like to Eat!

Holy crap, I’m on fire now! My dick is Burnin’ Up! Quick, call the Fire Department, and tell ‘em we need the biggest damn hooker and ladder truck they GOT! On the Double, AND, on the Entendre!

Hurry Paco, I’m in danger of losing my Siesta Partner! My Burrito needs help NOW!

I’m Serious Pancho, the last thing I need is to end up with a limp Taco, and a plate of Refried beans!

Oh Lord! My poor little Chimi-Changa! Now my cheese is melted all over the place, and my lettuce is all limp and wet!

I Came Too Fast on the highway, and Experienced a Premature Fast Food Destination!

I chee-wa-wa! Who’s going to clean up this mess?

I’m gonna need somebody to lick this up, it’s all over the place!

Any Volunteers for America?

I didn’t think so.

“Ask what you can do for your country, not what your country can do for you!” By John Kennedy!

That sure turned into a boatload of Crap!

How’s this? “Where’s MY Fuckin’ Bailout? Huh?”

“Cuz ya know, My Dick is usually TOO BIG TO FAIL TOO!”