How the Republicans “De-Regoolated” Wall Street, Which Proceeded to Deregulate Your ASS! Oh Lordy! Now My Foot Bone Is Connected to My Ass Bone, In a Painful Example of Economic Linkages! Economic “Feats” Don’t Fail Me Now, Buttwheat! Can We Blame It All On the Republicans? You Bet Your Sore-y Ass We Can!
Hmmm…Let’s see…Let’s add all this up.
Ready? Okay, let’s rewind!
The Republican Economic Meltdown!
Of 2008 and 2009!
Hold your Applause, it’s Not Over Yet!
Here Goes! The GOP Grinch that Stole Your Christmas!
Republicans fire the Business Police,
and let the Wolves guard the Sheep!
Saying the Wolves will work better,
when there’s no rules to keep!
So Wall Street Cops are fast Asleep,
as Mortgage Foreclosures Peak!
These were Mortgages on Steroids,
that Wall Street made sure to “tweak”,
for every last ounce of financial meat!
Even if it meant making women faint,
and strong men weak!
A shitload of Toxic Assets,
kills trust fast!
When you’ve built a House of Financial Cards,
that won’t last!
And when there’s a “run” on the bank,
there’s not enough real money,
to cover everybody’s Ass!
And then Everybody wants their cash back,
but there’s no real Dollar Value,
left to be had!
So Investment Banks Fail,
regular Banks Freak,
and Credit dries up to a tiny little Squeak!
Business slows to a crawl,
without Credit as the Grease,
and Workers are kicked out on the street!
Just as Gas prices peak,
And people realize that SUV in the driveway,
is too thirsty, and expensive, to buy Drinks!
And just then, Food Prices rocket skyward,
in a gasohol subsidized Corn Belt streak!
Stocks take a dive in the drink,
as Layoffs go up,
and Investor Confidence disappears in a wink!
Holy Shit, your Retirement Plan continues to shrink!
Not even Viagra, or a big whiskey drink,
or a girl with a big ass,
could make your shriveled little weeny,
grow hard and pink!
You’re lookin’ at workin’ part-time at Walmart,
and a retirement that stinks!
Autos are on the brink of Bankruptcy,
as new car sales sink,
and “Government Bailout”,
or “Socialism for the Rich”,
is the New “Free Market” Think!
“Help me, help me! I’m Too Big to Fail”,
they all scream and holler!
But on the way up,
the Rich say,
“Cut my taxes, I deserve every dollar!”
Pension funds are in doubt,
as layoffs continue to Sprout,
Will your Pension Fund be there,
when you get Old,
and all your teeth fall out?
Shoppers are Broke or Depressed,
forcing Profits way Down!
All the easy money,
has skeedaddled out of town!
All because the Greedy Republicans,
let the Financial System break down!
And when I look at all the Empty Houses,
I ask the Republicans,
is my Community becoming a Ghost Town?
Soup Kitchens need more Plates,
they’ve run out of Beans and Powdered eggs!
Can’t Poor people eat with Better Taste?
And Gated Communities lock their Gates,
and bar the doors with Ammunition Crates!
Right Wing Christians worry about Gays,
they sit in “Church” with Frowns,
and tightly crossed legs!
They say they love God, and People,
But don’t give a damn,
if the Sick are not healed,
or are financially crippled,
under America’s Health “Care” Steeple!
The Corporations get big tax Breaks,
and use them to ship your jobs away!
And then they say, “We Support Family Values!”
“Just Not your family, and Not today!”
With more Family Values like that,
there won’t be any “American Dream”,
after awhile!
And Native Americans say,
“See, I told you,
you just can’t trust,
the Forked Tongue,
White Man Smile!”
Illegal Aliens cross the Border,
helping the Rich create a “New Economic Order”!
Keeping wages down, and the Poor poorer,
and making the Super Rich, and Corporations,
The Permanent Rulers!
Citizens Vote to send Politicians to the Poke,
while the homes of Hollywood Fornicators,
go up in Smoke!
New Orleans says, “Hey, Motherfucker!”
“What about me?”
And President Bush says, “Hey, y’all!”
“Look at my White House Christmas Tree!”
But the Tree Burns down,
because it has Cheap Chinese Lights,
that are Not Safety Rated,
to Protect Human Rights!
And Bernard Madoff, that bastard son of a bitch,
makes off with all the Gold,
of the Jewish Rich!
A Sum, some say,
that reaches 50 Billion!
So the sunburned Jews of Palm Beach,
are all busted and Sad!
Now they can’t afford to Donate,
A single, new Pavilion!
The Banking Crisis spreads across the Globe,
to Europe, China and Asia!
How far it will go, nobody knows!
Even Iceland,
is in Financial Hot Water,
and may soon foreclose,
on its reindeer, and Snow!
The price of Oil finally drops,
as peak demand stops,
and Arab Oil Sheiks totally freak out!
Is it Too Late for GM,
as they Beg for another Bailout?
The “Demoncrats” take back Control!
Republicans are in a Pout,
their Noses in a Greedy little Piggy Snout!
All that Crap they did Spout,
about a deregulated “Rule-Free” Market,
didn’t quite Pan Out!
And now the People are Pissed!
How come the “No Rules” Market,
didn’t make Everyone Rich?
What a Bitch!
The Nation’s Economy is now stuck,
in a Classic, Speculative, Wall Street Ditch!
And why are you missing,
a painful, Bloody Inch?
Because it was those “No Rules”,
Republican Cock Suckers,
who just bit the tip off,
your Clitoris, or Dick!
Ouch! I hope this Teaches you,
a Painful Financial Lesson!
That you were never really “Up There”,
with the Super Rich!
And your hard earned Cash,
and Life Savings,
can disappear in a Flash,
when you’ve just been Raped, Bitten,
and Trashed,
by those “No Rules”,
“deregulated”,
Cock Sucking,
REPUBLICAN DICKS!
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Protector and Defender of the Holy Virgin Untwisted Pure Cotton Truth!
Inventor of the “Reality-o-meter”, the first Device ever, to actually measure, with a fine tooth comb, the Pureness and Freshness of Truth! With 99.99% accuracy!
Copyright © 2010 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
Including the right to look you in the eye and say, “How does it feel to have the Republicans bite off the tip, of your little clitoris sized dick?”
That’ll teach ya to drive down the financial highway of life, without any rules of the road, while getting your dick sucked by a Republican Whore! Bang! Ka-Chomp! AAAHHHHHHH! Where’s the tip of my Dick? It’s being munched on by an Ugly Republican! AAAHHH!
Inside the “Head” of a Republican Voter: “Damn! I think I’ll Vote Republican again, I wanna Experience that Financial Castration Sensation, one more Time!”
(Courtesy of the Republican influenced, and Wall Street controlled, “Financial Castration Speculative Securities Circumcision Commission”, or, FCSSCC, aka, the “Fucking Citizens Safely, Continuously, and Securely Committee”, whose Motto is: “No Regulation Required here! It’s just us Wolves!”. Paid for by Wolfman Brothers Investment Chancres, Bare Sterns, Gold Mine Sacks, Mug ’em and StunThee, and Lay Them Brothers.)
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
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Robbed, Reamed and Raped, by Big, Swinging, Elephant Sized, Wall Street Dicks! Corporate Rape versus Government Rape, Who’s More Efficient and Thorough?
Hey Y’all! Stop on by! Get your cooter all lubed up! Them GOP Dicks are coming again! Bend over easy, it’ll make it feel better next time Around! Just remember to Liberally Apply some more “GOP, Freedom Patriot, Mom Apple Pie, Anal Lube!”
Yeah, that’s right, you stupid little “Independent Voter” Robot, go ahead and vote for the Republicans “promising” to help you get rich quick again thru “tax cuts, deregulation, and getting rid of government”, so everything will be run by those “warm hearted, caring, profit loving (but not people loving) Trustworthy Giant Corporations!”
That’s right! Learn ABSOLUTELY Nothing from this Republican Caused Economic Meltdown, that was caused by Republicans “forcing down our throats” the Republican THEORY of, “Deregulate and privatize EVERYTHING”.
Do you know what “Limited government and Lightly Regulated industry” translates into, Conservative Boy? It’s not the flash card Republican Answer you get from TV’s GOP Shill “Little Georgey Porgy, Slickster Dick, McSwill”!
I’ll tell you what you get! You get a MORE Thorough and COMPLETE fucking at the hands of the Corporate Elite! That’s what you get when you have “no rules, no supervision, and no Business Cops on Wall Street and Business Street”. Got it?
Yes, government may Inefficiently fuck us sometimes! So to SOLVE that problem, Republicans want to SWITCH to A DIFFERENT FUCKER, a Better Fucker, a More Efficient Fucker, and let the Corporations fuck us More Efficiently, and COMPLETELY, ALL The Time, to the very last drop of Corporate Profit Hunger!
Yeah, that’s Brilliant, Einstein! Throw the baby out with the bathwater, and hire a Full time, Corporate Serial Rapist and Child Molester, as the New Head, Nanny, and Nurse Ratchet, of the New Corporate Run Maximum Profit State! Heil Hit Me, My Right Wing GOP Leader! Have we reamed out the Maximum Profit, from the PEOPLE yet? Maybe this manual Auger will do!
Now BEND OVER! I have to line up the Auger JUST RIGHT! I don’t want to miss your ASSHOLE, and lose any profit! There’s got to be more PROFIT up there! Reaming out the people’s Asses has ALWAYS been profitable! Oh look, see, there’s another Shitload now! Milton, grab the Gold lined Shit sack! This is too good to pass up! Here it comes! What a Bonus!
Who’s the Better Rapist? Government? Or Profit Hungry, Amoral, Big Bureaucratic, Corporate Business?
Republicans want to turn an occasional inefficient Government fucking, into a fulltime, totally Efficient, Corporate Fucking. They say “Choose Corporate EFFICIENCY, choose to be raped by a Cold hearted corporation, and make the Rape more efficient, complete, and thorough! AND, you’ll be left with no way to Vote Out the entrenched Corporations, and no way to fix any problems that are sure to crop up!
But YOU think if there is a Problem, you’ll just Stop Buying from the negligent Corporation, and put them out of Business, and the market will correct itself?
Or you’ll use advance information to make Responsible, Libertarian Style “Informed decisions”, and Totally Avoid buying any faulty products or services that might hurt you or your family? And your “informed purchase decisions” will create safety for you, better than an “Unnecessary Big Gubmint Consumer Protection Agency”?
If you believe you can do that, try putting the last remaining TOP 4 Monopoly Style “only game in town” health insurance companies in America out of business! Fat Chance, Libertarian Boy! This last year should cure you of that notion! The top 4 Monopoly Health Insurance companies NOW control Your Senator and Congressman, who dance to the Insurance company’s tune, and not yours!
Just make sure you can always pay your health insurance payment, even when it goes Way Up! And if you don’t have the premium cash, just put a statue of Jesus on your dashboard, and pray real hard you NEVER EVER GET SICK, and Never Lose your job with its health benefits, you stupid fuck!
And just make sure you never buy a defective car, where you are among the first thousand people or so, with the Faulty Gas Pedal, on YOUR Toyota car, that you thought was super safe, based on your “informed purchase Decision”!
And my friend, don’t bother to sue the company when their product kills your kid, or your wife, because you’ll only get a dollar or two as compensation, with Republican “Lawsuit Reform”, which TRANSLATES into LOW Compensation paid out to you for losing your kid, and just a mild slap on the wrist for the Corporation, just a small cost of doing business for killing your kid, and definitely “No Market Incentive” at all for the company to Improve its product.
Oh, but I forgot, YOU’RE gonna “stop buying their Defective Product”, and the Company will just go out of business, like that, in a flash, for killing your kid, punished by the “self-correcting, self regulating market”, punished by all the “bad publicity”, and by all the other people out there who really don’t care, or give a shit, about your stupid little kid dying! (It’s not THEIR kid, so they’re just Fine!)
Yeah, right on, Mr. Magic Market GOLDILOCKS, count on it! You got any other magic THEORIES, up your untrained Economic Ass, Mister Doctor of Economic Theories?
Maybe you could all form a club of “Kids Killed by Corporate Negligence”, and you could all sit around and say how great it is to have “lightly regulated Industry, limited Government, and Tort Reform”, while wearing a bow tie, a tweed jacket and spouting on a Washington Corporate TV Network Talk Show, pretending to be a great historical and economic pundidiot, and speaking in an oh so smooth and polished, erudite and urbane manner.
Ah yes, “Gorged SWILL”, autobiographer of “The Soul of the Corporate, Republican, Cash Hoarding, Conservative Shill”, who I’m sure in a few short years, will never give up HIS “Big Gubmint, Social Security, Medicare, Runaway ENTITLEMENT checks!” No, Suh! Not for one “Socialist, Nanny State, Entitlement Retirement, Give Me Mine Minute!” Yes indeedy, Butt Wheat! Them compassionless “Repugnicants” want every last dollar for themselves, nice and greedy, unfair AND sleezy, all the way to the end!
The “Soulcraft of Screwing the Little People, and Stacking the Deck, All in Favor of the Rich”! Good old, Washed Up, nothing new to say, Gorged Swill, the Pundidiot, will say Anything, in a falsely charming manner, to stay on TV!
Gorged is Grateful that the scaredy cat, corporate cock sucking, bullshit TV producer who is running the Pundidiot Show, is so fearful of a ratings crash, that he still invites Gorged back! Why? Because there is No One Else in America who can do Gorged Swill’s job better! Who else is willing to get up there, week after week, and urbanely lie for a living?
Because of a pundidiot TV show producer with no balls, we, America, get to listen to Gorged Swill continue to spout “flash card” shit, and collect a check until he retires. But we know better, because Gorged Swill is really just coasting, tired, and bored, like Peggy “I’m so bored I can hardly bother to be here” Noonan, on the same old swill, the same old shtick, of Image, flash cards, and glib.
Gorged Swill might as well just stand on top of the bleeding dead body, like the good little public relations “man” he is, with the cloud of gunpowder still wafting over the corpse, and say, in his best, page one, public relations manual routine, “It’s time we put this all behind us, and moved forward!”
It’s time to throw Gorged Swill on the ash heap of sloppy and careless “historical analysis”. Let him go home and play with his baseball cards. He’s really not contributing much to a real debate. He may dress like a college professor, but his output Flunks. If this is the best America can do, we’re Fucked. Tenure Denied! Hand over your bow tie and pipe, and rip of your elbow patch stripes! Buck private for you Gorgey! Go dig a latrine in your back yard, and talk to it! That’s where your shit Shtick belongs.
Oh, and whatever you do, keep Gorged Swill, far, Far Away from Economic Issues, preferably in another Galaxy. A little economic knowledge in this man’s hands is a very dangerous thing. It’s his “never studied weak spot”, no, more like his Blind Zone, and he his definitely NOT QUALIFIED. Even if he had a full time Economic tutor sitting next to him on the show, feeding him talking points, he’d still manage to fuck it up, and get it all wrong.
As soon as he starts talking about ANYTHING Economic, tell him to Shut the fuck UP! Just say, “Now Gorge, you’ve got to Stop!” Got it?
Better yet, just tell him to stay home.
Fort Tort Reform! Turn the Cash Cannons the Other Way! Shoot the Citizen Consumer, With Economic Injustice Grapeshot! Charge It, and Reload With More Bank Fees! Fire, When You See the White’s of Their Middle Class Eyes!
Tort Reform is just another GOP Reframe, a different way to say, “We don’t want a legal Cop on the Beat, in Business World, and we don’t want Justice in Consumer Land!” Why?
Because Lawsuits are an effective “Incentive” to Behave Responsibly! (Republicans are always talking about incentives, but ONLY the ones they like, that will help them get richer quicker, and help them avoid the cost of being responsible! Now you’re catching on! You got it!)
And business men don’t want to deal with Legal Incentives, because they actually work in keeping businessmen acting responsibly, and Business men don’t want to be Responsible for their Actions, because it means they can’t keep every last ounce of profit for themselves! Got it?
So make sure ya got real good “financial insurance”, for the next time you get your financial dick munched off in an Economic Meltdown, “Mister Brilliant Independent Voter, who Doesn’t Know What Side he’s on”!
“Well, I thought I was rich! But now I’m Poor! WHO should I Vote for next time? Who cares about the middle class, and the working class?
What am I NOW? Am I rich, middle class, or working class? Only my credit cards know for sure!
Who Should I Vote for Next time?
Your problem is thinking you’re actually part of the Rich! How many times do the Republicans have to burn you, before you realize you’re NOT part of the RICH?
Independent dickweed (scratching his head): “Well, I had a Bunch of credit cards, and a really big “King of the Road” SUV, and a BIG Mortgage, and a second mortgage for extra cash and stuff! I thought I was Rich, I mean, I felt rich! How rich do you have to be, to Really Be Rich?”
“I mean, I was makin’ my Payments, or at least the Minimum Payments, so, ya know, I guess, it seemed like I was rich! Hey, man, I’m a Smert guy, I had it All Figured Out! I wear a Nascar Blue Collar Dumb Guy baseball hat, and drive a Captain of the Universe SUV! Don’t blame me! Things were, like, ya know, lookin’ real good there, for a while, while the party lasted!”
UNTIL YOU GOT FUCKED BY THE REPUBLICANS! And their THEORY of “No Rules Deregulation”! And just at that Moment, the unregulated Financial Excesses of the Corporate Wall Street Rich came to full FRUIT, and they Ejaculated (shot) their Sticky “Comedown” all over your Stupid, know it all WHITE BOY FACE!
Remember that, Pal, the next time you’re standin’ in the Voting Booth, jacking off with the Republican lever in one hand and your dick in the other, dreaming you’re gonna get rich again, and buy your own little Island!
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That’s www.CultureDrums.Blogspot.com
It’s Payback Time, for All Your Loans!
Think Harder, White boy! Use all the little Brainpower God gave ya, and you might learn something, from this pleasant, economic Meltdown!
Where did you ever get the idea that Rich Republicans are trying to help YOU (and your little dick) get really rich?
YOU, you see, are the Little Guy who just THINKS he’s rich, becuz he’s making all the LOAN payments, but really doesn’t know what REAL rich is.
Real rich is Not Needing, A LOAN! Oh, but once you pay off the loans, then you’ll be rich? Oh, I see! Ding-dong! Hello!
Well, guess what? The Republicans just cut short your Loan Payback Period, oops, I’m sorry, “Your Investment Payback Period”, to NO ABILITY TO PAY IT BACK AT ALL! Hand back the keys, GAME OVER, your Grand Scheme just bit the dust, you never really owned it at all, it was all just ON LOAN, Mr. “Super Rich”!
Did Little Red Riding Hoodlum tell you that Rich Republicans want to actually HELP you, get Rich? Or did Pollyanna? How about the Deregulated Tax Cut Tooth Fairy?
Here’s the lesson: The REAL rich only want to help themselves get richer. You, my little Asshopper, are “in their way”, and you are to be Used to help them get richer, and will be discarded when they no longer need you, or you will simply be fucked in the process from beginning to end! Got it?
Okay, I’m being too hard on you! I’ll pretend for just a moment that your Personal Goal Business Model, that is to say, your “Planned Life and World View Model”, is actually TRUE! (But if you’re a Chick, I’ll probably still want to be Hard on you! Where would you like me to rub my Hard on you?)
Here goes!
“Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And He’s at the North Pole Headquarters of the Republican Fat Cat PARTY, and they want YOU to become a Rigid Member, or Tool, of ‘The Get Rich Quick, No Responsibility to Society Party’! You compassionateless Dickhead!”
Yeah, and you Will be “Richer” for the Experience, after Wall Street, the Banks, and cold hearted, Multi-National CORPORATE “America”, FUCKS You Again, and Again, and AGAIN! Wham, Bam, BAM! Thank you, Ma’am! Was it Good for you? It was for me!
The Global Economic Meltdown Ride! Let’s Do It Again!
How many “Global Economic Meltdowns” rides do you have to go thru, before you CATCH on, that this ain’t no Fun Theme Park?
Or are you one of those Total Republican Assholes, going around spouting that Big Bad Government FORCED poor little old Wall Street, to give loans to people who couldn’t pay them back, and this whole meltdown wouldn’t of happened if Wall Street hadn’t been “FORCED” to give away all those BAD Mortgages?
That’s what they are actually telling people, feeding to their Base Voters! It was Clinton, Fannie Mae, and Barney Frank that FORCED Wall Street to Go Nuts! Rich, cold hearted, Republican Wall Street BUSINESS MEN had NOTHING to do with it! They were FORCED to do it! Kidnapped into it, against their BETTER Judgement! Oh, God, shoot me now, I don’t want to live in a world filled with such fools!
If you believe Wall Street was Kidnapped into giving money away, tell me what kind of pot you’re smoking, because I’d like to try it, if it’s that good!
Arnold “Nazi Boy” Schwarzenfloofer, der Guv-in-nor of der state of Cawlly-fornya, he says Big Bad Gubmint, FORCED poor wittle, soft hearted Wall Street, to Meltdown the Mortgages! That wascally wittle Gubmint wabbit! Forcing Wall Street to Hippety Hop against its will! Bad Wabbit!
Talk about denial, avoiding Blame, and not taking Responsibility for your Actions! These Republicans are acting like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, who then says “What cookie jar”?
GOP Theorist: “Well the Republican THEORY was, we could have our Cookies, and Not Pay Taxes for them, too! I have no idea why Jack Unkemps Supply Side Dickonomics didn’t work as we planned!”
I hear there is lotsa Pot in Cawlly-fiorneeya, so Arnold the Goobernator, must be smoking a lot of it in those Big Cigars he is always smoking! He does kinda look happy around the eyes, or is that the mandatory Hollywood eyelift?
Isn’t it sad? The Republican Party is reduced to lying, to it’s not very bright, Base Voters, to keep them in the fold! If you are a GOP think tank writer (Rewriter, I should say) You Can’t go home and put your little daughter in your lap, and say, “Daddy is an Honest Man! Daddy does Honest Work for a Living! Daddy believes in the Truth and honesty, so help me Jesus!”
That would be breaking one of the Ten Commandments.
And if you can’t Play Fair, why are you playing at all?
Last Wishes, Last Bill and Testacle Mint! Before I Become Infected, and Die From the “GOP Pox”, Also Known As “Venereal Voter’s Disease”, or Simply “The GOP”, as in, “I’ve Got the GOP!”
There are three things I’d like to do before I die: Have sex with a woman and eat her pussy for a long, slow time, make a really good rock n roll CD for posterity, and try some of that weed you Republicans are Smoking!
Oh Lord, take me now, it’s getting way too weird down here with all these Republican, Libertarian, Tea Party, Religious Freaks, all walking around with broomsticks up their butts! I’m not sure I can take it much longer! Please Lord! Pass me some of that “tea” those Tea Party Freaks are smokin!
And whatever you do, don’t throw the “Tea” in the River! I hear that shit has gotten REALLY expensive! In my day, a “Dime Bag” really was ten bucks, and an ounce was fifteen! You could even buy a nickel, for five!
Hey! Maybe that’s why Rich Republicans always want a Tax cut! It’ll bring down the price of the Pot they’re always smoking!
What if I tell my “unaffordable health care” doctor, that listening to Extremist Republicans is like having Cancer, do you think he’ll give me some Medical Marijuana for FREE?
Dude, I’m not crazy! I’m just Innovatin’, thinking’ outside the Box here, getting all Mavericky and Rogue-y! I’m trying to think like a Republican! You know, “gaming the System”, getting my Free tax cut, getting everything a Rich feller is “entitled” to! Don’t wanna leave the little people unstoned, and unburned!
Wow Dude! Do ya think Rich people just get high on burning Money?
I don’t know, Man! But I think those dudes on Wall Street do! I think they actually “melt” the money!
I’ve never tried melting it before! Do ya think you get higher if you Melt the money?
I don’t know, but maybe it turns into Hash, or a spoonful of liquid Cocaine!
Wow dude, I never thought of THAT!
Well, you know what they say, “Money is a Gateway Drug to Evil, and a Gateway Drug to Membership in the Republican Corporate Party!”
Wow dude! I never knew that!
Yep! It’s true! Heil Hit me, My Right Wing GOP Leader! Let’s get High and Mighty Whitey, on White Power Buck Fucks, perpetrated on the little people!
And let’s become totally consumed with Corporate fuel injected cocaine Cash Addiction, and Mighty White Righteous Religious Might, cleansing the world of the Wrong Religions! And let’s have Cash become the New King, the New Messiah, and take over Everything, including our Democracy, and replace it with Corporate Representatives and Legislative Lobbyists, “elected” by Corporate Money approved by the Conservative packed “Cash is Supreme Court”!
And let’s get every man, woman and child in America, hooked on cash, with a severe case of Corporate Cash Addiction, the New Religion, and willing to break into your Symbolic House, and rob you, to get the money for their next, Needle in the Arm, cash FIX!
That’s Mighty White of you, Brother!
Right on!
You da Man!
You go girl!
The White Man Is the New Nigger! Irresponsible If Rich, Downtrodden If Middle Class!
Now let’s go FUCK the World! We gotta get rich as Quick as possible, Society be Damned! Who needs Society? WE DON’T, cuz we Republicans! We need another Tax Cut fo dee feelthy Rich! Cuz we are the New, Rich White, Republican Niggers!
And the poor little Working class, or Middle class White man? Well, he’s the new Black Man! Hey Middle class White man, how does it Feel to be the New Nigger? Do you like it down there, now that the Rich are so far above you, on the Economic Plantation Ladder?
Now don’t you Complain none, Old White Hoke! You just get back to work, and work harder, or you’ll get another Whippin! You hear me, White BOY? Your Job is just to “Drive the Rich” to Greater richness! Yas suh! You be old Hoke, the Chauffeur, yoked to the steerin wheel spoke, “Driving Miss Crazy”, the rich Republican Bitch, down Idella Lane!
Askin dee White man if you can “Go make Water” on your bathroom break, at your Corporate Veal Pen job! Get back to Work, white Boy, we already gave you your monthly ration of Meal Pellets, your sack of flour, and next months rent! Be grateful you’re alive, and haven’t gotten sick yet, or lost your precious job!
Oh, and by the way, remember to tell everybody the cold, Cash hearted Republicans, are really saving the world, caring for Society, and doing God’s Work! It’s called Tough Love! As in, “Tough, if you ain’t getting any Love! Because we don’t Love society, just the money we get from it!” Got it?
Yep! Tell ’em you’re doin God’s Work!
That sounds MUCH better!
Tough Love, God’s Work, and Screw Society! That’s the Republican Holy “Profit”! Fooling the Average American Joe, Who Knows Everything, There Is To Know! Plumbing the Shallow Depths, of the Blue Collar White Boy’s, Twisted and Very Limited Knowledge!
Tell people Republicans love God, not cash! They just might buy that.
You see, your average person is really not that bright. BUT, they THINK they are REALLY BRIGHT! And they think they’re smarter than everybody else. They also think they are smart enough to think they have it all figured out. They think they know the Easy Simple Answer to Everything in their easy, simple brains, with their botched logic, bad data, half truths and their limited mental power.
That’s the beauty of the Republican scam. Fool the vast mass of Stupid People while you can, then take the money and run. The Trick is how you go about fooling them.
All you have to do, as a Rich Corporate Republican, is Fool just enough of the average people to vote for you (the hard core Non Thinker Base, the independents, and the undecided) who desperately want their lives simplified with “Simple Republican Answers”, to life’s tough Questions.
The American Money Game, the Tilted Game Board, and the Congressional Clowns! The Dickring Brothers Circus Is Back in Town!
And once you get in power, then you can tilt the Game Board, and rig the American Money Game, in favor of the Rich. After awhile, it’s too late or too hard, to turn things back to a Fair Deal for all the Little People, who live Tromped under the Feet of the Rich. Upstairs, downstairs, no more upstairs for you! From now on , you’re just a Servant of the Rich. Clean that Pool, Pool Boy! Polish that silverware! Come on over here, and Suck My Dick! Serve your Master, right Quick!
As the American Money Game becomes more and more tilted, rigged, and finally fixed, all in favor of the Rich. Don’t even bother Hoping, the Outcome is already Stacked against you.
The Republican Carnival Barker has seen you coming a mile away. You’re an Easy Mark! You’ve already Lost, and the Game is not going to go your way! But Lucky You, you still have to play!
Step right up! See the three headed Capitalist Snake that talks to God! See the Hairy Sweat Shop Servant Girl, who can sew more Nike sneakers than any one in the World!
See the rich Wall Street Banker, with his Wheelbarrow full of Money! See the Bare Breasted, TV Network, “News” Girl Bores, kissing the camera lens doors, like smiling sex faced whores! See the Talking Senator, with multiple corporate penises jammed up his ASS, while he does his Corporate Puppet String Dance! Dance, Mr. Talking Senator, Dance! Do your golden pole, Strip Club Prance! Dance to the tune, of the Lobbyist Puppet Masters! Their Word, is their Demand, and their Command, that you must follow!
Welcome to Capitalist Circus World! Where Cash is King, and Money is the New Prayed for Messiah! Money is the New Rapture! Money will take us all to Heaven!
“Hey Mister! Can I go inside the Big Republican Tent, and see the Fake Democracy Circus?”
“Get away from me kid, you bother me! Come back when you have lotsa money!”
“Gee, Mister, that’s not nice!”
“You Dumb Kid! What do you think this is, a Fair Playing Field? You’re Nothing, if you don’t have Money! You’re just a piece of shit, a worthless Human Being! I have No Incentive to care about you! Come back when you come up with enough money to Qualify as a Real Human Being! Until then, you’re just TRASH, useless to the Capitalist System! A discarded part, on the discard pile of life! You’re just Leftover, useless parts, waiting for a Function!”
* * *
www.CultureDrums.Blogspot.com
Faint Bernard
Society, and the Pie Eating Contest!
You’re not here for long, your days are numbered.
Grab it while you can, but try not to Fuck Everybody in the process.
That’s the difference between Republicans and Democrats.
Republicans want to grab it while they can, all for themselves, and they don’t care if they fuck everybody in the process. “Get rich quick, and then scram to my Safe Island. I am an Island, I owe Society nothing.”
Democrats, on the other hand, would like everyone to have a fair chance at earning a small, fair piece of the pie. They also want everyone to carry a fair share of the burdens of Society, and to not have an unearned, or unfair share of the prosperity of a Society.
If you get rich in a Society, just what do you owe Society back? Are all of your earnings yours, earned by you? Rush Limbaugh would say, of course!
I say You got rich in society’s Game. How much do you owe Society, for creating the playing field for your Success?
Just as there are what econo-mists call “external costs” of business, that businessmen happily ignore, don’t pay for, and pass on to Society for society to pay, there are also “external benefits” that Society gives to businessmen, which they happily use for free, but then happily ignore in giving credit for their success. (I know, it’s a tough sentence, but read it again! You are brighter than everybody else, right? You will be Quizzed, interrogated, and water boarded on this one, Mr. Al Kadidleebop.)
It’s the difference between being Unfair and Completely Selfish in society. Or trying to be Fair, less selfish, and yes, “kind, considerate, and helpful”, to society.
Which one of those Positions, do you think is closer to God?
Share the fish and the Bread, when times are difficult?
Let all the people be fishermen and make a living? Or keep the fish pole, the hook and line, all for yourself?
Build lots of fishing boats, or just a few big yachts, and throw the “chum”, the fish scraps, to everybody else? And then tell people, “We’re all jolly good Chums, in this Together!”
Shall we ask a right wing Republican Preacher man, what Jesus would say?
Somehow, I don’t think I’ll like what a Republican Preacher will try to say. They are remarkably silent, when it comes to health care, and Economic Justice.
I like my God, better than yours!
My god actually listens, to what jesus said.
And my god is holier, and better, and has a bigger, Shinier Penis, than your god will ever have! He doesn’t use his big dick, his holy “Resurrection”, to justify fucking the people. Instead He “comes” to his people, with life giving Ejaculate, in hopes his people will share in the Pleasure, in the Hands on Experience, of Mastering the Harsh Beating of Life!
Oh, God, I’m Coming! Praise be, sweet justice, oh the Sweet Burning Sensation! Fair Play, and a Fair Hand, for all, who want to Master, the Beat of Life!
* * *
At the New Yawk Times Thought Control Depawtment!
(Knock, knock.)
Do you guys print “bee-yooty-full” poimetry?
Naw! Your poyim “The GOP Grinch”, is too structured, limerick wise, and it’s not stream of conscious enough! Plus it’s not too hard to figure out! In short, it’s not unintelligible gibberish! So, no, we would not publish it, because it’s not up to our usual standard, and it certainly won’t win any McArthur Genius grants! No way!
Now, if you was to say, get really high on some kind of chemical stuff, and just write down whatever comes to your mind, well that would be different, we might print that! Or chop up all the words on a page into little pieces, and glue them back in any order, that can look really Deep, and Geenie us like!
Now gedoutta here! We got work to do! We gotta fit the news, into a form, that’s fit to print! It’s all gotta be digestible! Accessible to your average Mind! You know what I’m sayin?
I think so.
So, sorry, Pal, no Genius grant for you! Personally, I don’t think your smart enough! Only real Geniuses get them!
Oh.
You want my advice?
Sure!
You gotta come up with some kinda catchy Equation, or something! Like something you can put on the side of a bus! And personally, I don’t think this looks too Equational, you know what I mean?
Hmmm…let’s see. Something like, “E=MC Hammer”? Or “Insurgency=Run DMZ”? Or “GOP=Death of Democracy”? Or, “Liberalism=The Slippery Slope to Communism”? Or “Emancipation=A Proclamation”, or, “Fancy Pants College Educations=Corrupted Corporate Conglomerations”?
Yeah! Something like that! Much better! Then you might have a shot at it! Until then you’re just Whistling Dixie! A Lost Cause, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I think so. Thanks!
Don’t mention it. One catches on fast, at the New Yawk Times! Let me Clue ya, a lot of really Smaht peeple woik here! This ain’t like out in the sticks! You gotta keep your eye on the ball around here! Yes, sir! You gotta watch the balls!
* * *
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Hey,Country Boy! Write Me a Song About Republican Roman Senators, Screwin' the Little Ol' Country Boy, Livin' in His Busted Down Trailer!
Nashville Pied Pipers, Sing Me a Tune!
Hey, Country Music Boy! We all know about your dog, your 4 wheeler, your cheatin Whore or your Wife, and why we should ALL want a Country Boy Life!
But how about writin’ me a song about free-wheelin’ Republican Hound Dog Senators, lettin’ big American companies hide cash in Off Shore Tax Cheat Loopholes, and giving Big Tax Breaks to “Corporate Welfare Sinkholes” , and then Scrimping and Cheatin’ on the Needs of the Middle Class and the Workin’ Class Poor, while the Corporate Bill Collector is knockin‘ hard on the Country Boy Trailer Door!
How bout writin’ me a song about King George Bush gibbin’ all dee Money to them Corporate Slicks “Holly Burton, Blacky Waters, and Walt Street”! And Tax Cuts fo dee Feelthy Rich! And then de-regoolatin’ Wall Street till it Burns Down the “Wall Street Frat Party” House, and takes down the rest of the Nation with it, in a Mortgage Meltdown, Credit Crunch, Jobless Recession that came real close to being another Great Depression.
Yep, them smooth talkin’ Republican Senators, creatin’ a Boogeyman Deficit , by going into Two Wars without Payin’ for ‘em, and then Screaming we can’t give you Health Care, because we have to pay for a Deficit and a War Machine, in a far off Hillbilly Non-Nation!
Imagine that! An Afghan/Iraq Hillbilly is worth more than a toothless American Hillbilly! (Hey! I ain’t bein’ Racist! Disclaimer: All Human Life is Worth the Same! That’s why we’re not gonna give you the Same health Care your Senator Has! Got it?)
Let me see if I got this straight. The rich Republican Senators, get us into Two Wars, without figuring out how their gonna pay for ’em, creating a big Deficit, then they ask the Country Boy to Sacrifice a few Arms, Legs and Lives to fight them wars, but the Senators won’t raise taxes on the rich to share in the Sacrifice of the War Effort, or to lower the Deficit the War Created, and then the Senators turn around and say “I can’t give the Poor Country Boy Health Care, because I don’t want to raise Taxes on the Rich and the Corporations?”
Damn, Country Boy! How many times does a Mule have to kick you in the head, before you figure that one out?
You better go put your NASCAR Thinking Cap on for this one, cuz by the time them race cars go around and around in a circle 500 times, your Thinking will probably be right back to where you started from! Yep, my dog can chase his Tail faster than you can think!
So, Country Music Boy, how bout writin’ me a song about poor AMERICAN Hillbillies, that got two teeth, and no Health Keer, and ain’t worth a Republican Senator’s Dollar? Huh, Country Boy? Still think your Republican Senator cares about you now?
And sing about how Republican Trickle Down Economics (Tax Cuts fo dee Rich, a lollipop for everybody else! Here, Suck on this!) ain’t worth Spit to live on, and don’t pay all the Beeeels, in Trailer Park Nation.
Ken yee doo that, Country Music Boy, or is that just too hard a song for yoo to rat? Ridin’ around in your Fancy Pants, La-Dee-Da, duded-up, mural painted, Golden mirrored Bus, with your Rich Hollywood Lifestyle, fornicatin’ with all the Big League Cheerleaders, who wear nothin’ but cowgirl boots, and a Rodeo Belt Buckle, while they ride your, uh-hmm, “Bull Ride”, in the back of your Rolling Mansion Bus.
I bet you got Health Keer! Maybe even a Med-Sin Cabinet of Pills? And a personal On-Call Fizzishen? Maybe even sum loopy-doopy Medical Mary-Wanna, if you get nauseated under them hot stage lights? Maybe even a personal “Masoose”, for all them, uh-hem, “Muscle Aches” you get after a real hard night of playin’ Music, on that cold outdoor stage? I know how tough a job thet ken be. Strummin’ thet Gitar ken be a real bitch.
Maybe you should stick to rattin’ about your dog, and poking chicks. It’s a lot easier for ya’.
We don’t wanna make things too hard for ya, do we, Country Music Boy?
Yep! Go along...get along. Don’t wanna rock the Country Music Gravy Boat.
What a Patriot! A Man of the Little People! Yes Sir!
Always thinking about, and thanking your Fans, and thanking Jesus!
Even if they don’t have Health Keer!
Keep on foolin’ your Country Fans, just like them Big Rich Corporations, and Senators do!
Profit...that’s all that counts, right? Just Wave the Flag, then collect the Money, any way you can. A real Cuntry Muzak boy!
Hell, Boy, if you got sumthin’ wrong with your peckerwood, and don’t have no Health Keer, well, I’ll just loan ya my trusty, rusty Pocket knife! And ya don’t even have to thank me, cuz I’m just bein’ Neighborly!
Ain’t that Mighty White of me? And Real Christian like, too? And I’ll pray for ya, that you, your sick kid, or whatever Family Member is ailing, will get well in a right jiffy.
Or, on the other hand, if you haven’t been keeping up with the health insurance premiums, have you heard the Word? Jesus will cure ya! And if he don’t, well, I guess you just don’t believe hard enough in Jesus Healing the Sick!
Hell, boy, you gotta work harder on being a Better Christian! Now dontcha? When was the last time you was in church, prayin’ for Jesus to heal ya? Well, see, get on down there and start making up for that lost prayer time! How are ya ever gonna get better if you don’t start prayin’ now?
Signed,
Faint Bernard
The Old Fashioned Cure for Anything that Ails You!
Manufactured by The Old South “Mighty White” Corporation.
Directions: Drink directly from the bottle, or pour into the Wound, and I GUARANTEE you will be talking to JESUS! Real Soon! Also improves your driving ability!
Copyright © 2010. By Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
How ya like them apples, huh, Country boy?
Don’t get sick! You hear me, Boy?
Cuz good ol’ Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky will be Operating on you with Horse Pills, and a Band Saw! And that probably won’t be a Whole lot of Fun, you know whut I mean, huh, Cuntry Boy?
Plink! Damn! I just busted a gitar string and tore my finger nail! Damn, that hurts! Here girl, why don’t you just suck on that and make it feel better? Oh, yeah, that feels much better! Now that’s whut I call Universal Health Care! Wink-wink! You know whut I mean, Cuntry boy?
Yep, that’s the way it is in American Health Care! You gotta get fucked, before it will ever get better!
You hear me, Cuntry Boy?
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back, now! I got lots more where this comes from! You hear me, BOY?
That’s whut’s so wonderful about the South! We all knows our Manners down heer, and we sure are Neighborly, and we are the Mightiest White Christians you ever did see!
Now pass that bottle of “Old Healer”, I done needs me sum good ol’ Southern Health Keer!
Wake me up, when the Tumor’s gone!
Do ya think I’ll feel better if that Jackass Kentucky Republican Senator, Bitch MyCuntill, kicks me in the head with his Horse?
Or maybe the Republicans could just give me a good Whipping, for having the Nerve to get Sick?
Think about it, Country Boy! That is, if you do Think!
Yes, sir! You da smartest boy on the farm!
You smarter than everybody in the whole wide world!
Got it all figured out!
Got your shit kicker boots, your cowboy hat, and your NASCAR cap!
Ain’t nobody smarter than you.
And that’s partly why the health care system is busted, and falling apart.
Cuz you think it’s just fine! You don’t know what’s wrong with it, you haven’t suffered from it, you haven’t experienced where it’s busted, and so you’re afraid to change it.
Write me a song about that, Country boy, if you can.
And then you can get up at the Country Music Awards, and really thank Jesus for healing the sick, and getting you on the Radio!
I’m sure he’ll appreciate it!
Stay healthy now! And don’t get Sick! You hear?
And make sure you got a Big Deductible, say 12,000 dollars, saved up in your “Health Savings Account”, with the money from your job they just shipped Overseas, or all the jobs Wall Street just Blew Up in their Wild Mortgage Meltdown Credit Finance Freeze.
The Big Rich Boys, Always Against the “Little People”. Some Things Never Change!
The Big Boys have Health Keer. The Senators, the CEO’s, the Insurance Executives, the Super Rich. How about you, Country Boy, how about you?
Are they more American than you? You’re the one always spoutin’ how American you are! Do they deserve Health Care more than you?
Why should your Senator have better health care than you? Your Senator works for you, he represents you, he’s your Public Servant! He’s not your King! We got rid of the King 200 years ago! You and me, we, are the King now!
Think about it Country Boy, think about it while your Singing about the good old Red, White, and Blue.
Do the Rich and Powerful deserve it all, and you deserve spit?
What’s your Life Worth, Country Boy?
Is your Senator worth more Health Care than you, in this land of Ours?
Or are you just a worthless piece of Cow Shit, on the bottom of the Human Ladder, and don’t deserve the same Health Care he has, paid for with Your tax dollar?
Think about it, Country Boy, and get back to me when you write that song.
And to show you how neighborly I am, I’ll play drums on it for you! Cuz I’m just as good as them Hollywood Studio Drummers.
Maybe even better.
I’ll put some Extra Life, some special drummer Care, in your Country Tune.
Whaddaya say, Country Music Boy?
You got it in yee, or do ya ain’t?
Do you want “your loyal Fans” to have health care, or do you just want them to buy tickets to your Show?
* * *
Oh, and so ya don’t think I Forgot ya, this also applies to you, Country Music Girl! Don’t think you’re off the Hook that easy! You can’t just write songs about Cooter Rides, cheatin men, and back seat lovin’. Them babies need health care, too! And all them Female Plumbing Parts, that need fixin, adjustin, and lubricatin!
And just so ya know I’m right Neighborly, I’m offering to give you all FREE Breast Exams, to do my bit in the fight against Breast Cancer!
Think about that, while your Cradling your sexy hand, opening your mouth nice and wide, and Chewin’ on that Big Black Chrome Microphone Bone, with the knobby round hard metal HEAD.
Oh yeah, baby! That’s a SHURE thing! Guaranteed to Last! With a heart shaped, cardioid pickup pattern, designed to reduce “Stage Leakage”! And a ruler straight response curve, whether you want a deep and low frequency of 50, or a high and fast 15,000 Hertz!
Oh, yeah Baby! Make it Hurts! For Shure! Plug it in, and hold it right up to your mouth! Now open wide, and let it ALL, COME Out!
That’s the way to Sing, Baby!
That’s the way to Sing!
You got the touch!
That’s what I call a Vocal Instrument! A real Gift from God!
You take good healthy care of it now, yoo hear?
That is, if you can afford to!
You know whut I mean?
* * *
Hey, Country Music Boy! We all know about your dog, your 4 wheeler, your cheatin Whore or your Wife, and why we should ALL want a Country Boy Life!
But how about writin’ me a song about free-wheelin’ Republican Hound Dog Senators, lettin’ big American companies hide cash in Off Shore Tax Cheat Loopholes, and giving Big Tax Breaks to “Corporate Welfare Sinkholes” , and then Scrimping and Cheatin’ on the Needs of the Middle Class and the Workin’ Class Poor, while the Corporate Bill Collector is knockin‘ hard on the Country Boy Trailer Door!
How bout writin’ me a song about King George Bush gibbin’ all dee Money to them Corporate Slicks “Holly Burton, Blacky Waters, and Walt Street”! And Tax Cuts fo dee Feelthy Rich! And then de-regoolatin’ Wall Street till it Burns Down the “Wall Street Frat Party” House, and takes down the rest of the Nation with it, in a Mortgage Meltdown, Credit Crunch, Jobless Recession that came real close to being another Great Depression.
Yep, them smooth talkin’ Republican Senators, creatin’ a Boogeyman Deficit , by going into Two Wars without Payin’ for ‘em, and then Screaming we can’t give you Health Care, because we have to pay for a Deficit and a War Machine, in a far off Hillbilly Non-Nation!
Imagine that! An Afghan/Iraq Hillbilly is worth more than a toothless American Hillbilly! (Hey! I ain’t bein’ Racist! Disclaimer: All Human Life is Worth the Same! That’s why we’re not gonna give you the Same health Care your Senator Has! Got it?)
Let me see if I got this straight. The rich Republican Senators, get us into Two Wars, without figuring out how their gonna pay for ’em, creating a big Deficit, then they ask the Country Boy to Sacrifice a few Arms, Legs and Lives to fight them wars, but the Senators won’t raise taxes on the rich to share in the Sacrifice of the War Effort, or to lower the Deficit the War Created, and then the Senators turn around and say “I can’t give the Poor Country Boy Health Care, because I don’t want to raise Taxes on the Rich and the Corporations?”
Damn, Country Boy! How many times does a Mule have to kick you in the head, before you figure that one out?
You better go put your NASCAR Thinking Cap on for this one, cuz by the time them race cars go around and around in a circle 500 times, your Thinking will probably be right back to where you started from! Yep, my dog can chase his Tail faster than you can think!
So, Country Music Boy, how bout writin’ me a song about poor AMERICAN Hillbillies, that got two teeth, and no Health Keer, and ain’t worth a Republican Senator’s Dollar? Huh, Country Boy? Still think your Republican Senator cares about you now?
And sing about how Republican Trickle Down Economics (Tax Cuts fo dee Rich, a lollipop for everybody else! Here, Suck on this!) ain’t worth Spit to live on, and don’t pay all the Beeeels, in Trailer Park Nation.
Ken yee doo that, Country Music Boy, or is that just too hard a song for yoo to rat? Ridin’ around in your Fancy Pants, La-Dee-Da, duded-up, mural painted, Golden mirrored Bus, with your Rich Hollywood Lifestyle, fornicatin’ with all the Big League Cheerleaders, who wear nothin’ but cowgirl boots, and a Rodeo Belt Buckle, while they ride your, uh-hmm, “Bull Ride”, in the back of your Rolling Mansion Bus.
I bet you got Health Keer! Maybe even a Med-Sin Cabinet of Pills? And a personal On-Call Fizzishen? Maybe even sum loopy-doopy Medical Mary-Wanna, if you get nauseated under them hot stage lights? Maybe even a personal “Masoose”, for all them, uh-hem, “Muscle Aches” you get after a real hard night of playin’ Music, on that cold outdoor stage? I know how tough a job thet ken be. Strummin’ thet Gitar ken be a real bitch.
Maybe you should stick to rattin’ about your dog, and poking chicks. It’s a lot easier for ya’.
We don’t wanna make things too hard for ya, do we, Country Music Boy?
Yep! Go along...get along. Don’t wanna rock the Country Music Gravy Boat.
What a Patriot! A Man of the Little People! Yes Sir!
Always thinking about, and thanking your Fans, and thanking Jesus!
Even if they don’t have Health Keer!
Keep on foolin’ your Country Fans, just like them Big Rich Corporations, and Senators do!
Profit...that’s all that counts, right? Just Wave the Flag, then collect the Money, any way you can. A real Cuntry Muzak boy!
Hell, Boy, if you got sumthin’ wrong with your peckerwood, and don’t have no Health Keer, well, I’ll just loan ya my trusty, rusty Pocket knife! And ya don’t even have to thank me, cuz I’m just bein’ Neighborly!
Ain’t that Mighty White of me? And Real Christian like, too? And I’ll pray for ya, that you, your sick kid, or whatever Family Member is ailing, will get well in a right jiffy.
Or, on the other hand, if you haven’t been keeping up with the health insurance premiums, have you heard the Word? Jesus will cure ya! And if he don’t, well, I guess you just don’t believe hard enough in Jesus Healing the Sick!
Hell, boy, you gotta work harder on being a Better Christian! Now dontcha? When was the last time you was in church, prayin’ for Jesus to heal ya? Well, see, get on down there and start making up for that lost prayer time! How are ya ever gonna get better if you don’t start prayin’ now?
Signed,
Faint Bernard
The Old Fashioned Cure for Anything that Ails You!
Manufactured by The Old South “Mighty White” Corporation.
Directions: Drink directly from the bottle, or pour into the Wound, and I GUARANTEE you will be talking to JESUS! Real Soon! Also improves your driving ability!
Copyright © 2010. By Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
How ya like them apples, huh, Country boy?
Don’t get sick! You hear me, Boy?
Cuz good ol’ Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky will be Operating on you with Horse Pills, and a Band Saw! And that probably won’t be a Whole lot of Fun, you know whut I mean, huh, Cuntry Boy?
Plink! Damn! I just busted a gitar string and tore my finger nail! Damn, that hurts! Here girl, why don’t you just suck on that and make it feel better? Oh, yeah, that feels much better! Now that’s whut I call Universal Health Care! Wink-wink! You know whut I mean, Cuntry boy?
Yep, that’s the way it is in American Health Care! You gotta get fucked, before it will ever get better!
You hear me, Cuntry Boy?
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back, now! I got lots more where this comes from! You hear me, BOY?
That’s whut’s so wonderful about the South! We all knows our Manners down heer, and we sure are Neighborly, and we are the Mightiest White Christians you ever did see!
Now pass that bottle of “Old Healer”, I done needs me sum good ol’ Southern Health Keer!
Wake me up, when the Tumor’s gone!
Do ya think I’ll feel better if that Jackass Kentucky Republican Senator, Bitch MyCuntill, kicks me in the head with his Horse?
Or maybe the Republicans could just give me a good Whipping, for having the Nerve to get Sick?
Think about it, Country Boy! That is, if you do Think!
Yes, sir! You da smartest boy on the farm!
You smarter than everybody in the whole wide world!
Got it all figured out!
Got your shit kicker boots, your cowboy hat, and your NASCAR cap!
Ain’t nobody smarter than you.
And that’s partly why the health care system is busted, and falling apart.
Cuz you think it’s just fine! You don’t know what’s wrong with it, you haven’t suffered from it, you haven’t experienced where it’s busted, and so you’re afraid to change it.
Write me a song about that, Country boy, if you can.
And then you can get up at the Country Music Awards, and really thank Jesus for healing the sick, and getting you on the Radio!
I’m sure he’ll appreciate it!
Stay healthy now! And don’t get Sick! You hear?
And make sure you got a Big Deductible, say 12,000 dollars, saved up in your “Health Savings Account”, with the money from your job they just shipped Overseas, or all the jobs Wall Street just Blew Up in their Wild Mortgage Meltdown Credit Finance Freeze.
The Big Rich Boys, Always Against the “Little People”. Some Things Never Change!
The Big Boys have Health Keer. The Senators, the CEO’s, the Insurance Executives, the Super Rich. How about you, Country Boy, how about you?
Are they more American than you? You’re the one always spoutin’ how American you are! Do they deserve Health Care more than you?
Why should your Senator have better health care than you? Your Senator works for you, he represents you, he’s your Public Servant! He’s not your King! We got rid of the King 200 years ago! You and me, we, are the King now!
Think about it Country Boy, think about it while your Singing about the good old Red, White, and Blue.
Do the Rich and Powerful deserve it all, and you deserve spit?
What’s your Life Worth, Country Boy?
Is your Senator worth more Health Care than you, in this land of Ours?
Or are you just a worthless piece of Cow Shit, on the bottom of the Human Ladder, and don’t deserve the same Health Care he has, paid for with Your tax dollar?
Think about it, Country Boy, and get back to me when you write that song.
And to show you how neighborly I am, I’ll play drums on it for you! Cuz I’m just as good as them Hollywood Studio Drummers.
Maybe even better.
I’ll put some Extra Life, some special drummer Care, in your Country Tune.
Whaddaya say, Country Music Boy?
You got it in yee, or do ya ain’t?
Do you want “your loyal Fans” to have health care, or do you just want them to buy tickets to your Show?
* * *
Oh, and so ya don’t think I Forgot ya, this also applies to you, Country Music Girl! Don’t think you’re off the Hook that easy! You can’t just write songs about Cooter Rides, cheatin men, and back seat lovin’. Them babies need health care, too! And all them Female Plumbing Parts, that need fixin, adjustin, and lubricatin!
And just so ya know I’m right Neighborly, I’m offering to give you all FREE Breast Exams, to do my bit in the fight against Breast Cancer!
Think about that, while your Cradling your sexy hand, opening your mouth nice and wide, and Chewin’ on that Big Black Chrome Microphone Bone, with the knobby round hard metal HEAD.
Oh yeah, baby! That’s a SHURE thing! Guaranteed to Last! With a heart shaped, cardioid pickup pattern, designed to reduce “Stage Leakage”! And a ruler straight response curve, whether you want a deep and low frequency of 50, or a high and fast 15,000 Hertz!
Oh, yeah Baby! Make it Hurts! For Shure! Plug it in, and hold it right up to your mouth! Now open wide, and let it ALL, COME Out!
That’s the way to Sing, Baby!
That’s the way to Sing!
You got the touch!
That’s what I call a Vocal Instrument! A real Gift from God!
You take good healthy care of it now, yoo hear?
That is, if you can afford to!
You know whut I mean?
* * *
Since When Did Redneck Rebel Racists, From Lynch Mob, Alabama, Become the "Gold Standard" for American Values? This Liberal Wants to Know!
The Conservative, Blue Collar Bumpkin: He’s Scared, Angry, Misinformed and Not Too Bright. With the Game Fixed in Favor of the Rich, He’s Frightened by the Future, So He Retreats, and is Misled Into the Past, Blocking All Future Progress!
The Rich Republicans, and the Poor American South, Pick One More “Lost Cause” After Another, and Are Always at the Forefront of Resisting Progress!
Why? The Better to Control You With, My Dear, Says the Greedy GOP Business Wolf, to the Little Blue Collar Riding Hood!
Since when did Goober and Becky Jo, the two Genetically Defective Trailer Trash Cousins, become the “Poster Chillun” for American Values?
The Short Answer? Since the Republicans discovered they could use a Not-Too-Bright, easily manipulated, reliable Power Base, that could hep Vote ’em into Power.
And once in Power, them Clever Republicans, draping everything in Mom, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet, can then fix the American Money Game in favor of the Rich, while Hiding the “fix” from the Poor Redneck, who doesn’t realize he’s just been screwed out of a fair deal.
Screwed by No Health Care, No Jobs, Low Wages, Reduced or No Benefits, Reduced or No Pensions, and in lotsa other Unseen Tax Laws that Benefit the Rich, and hurt everybody else that ain’t rich.
But the Question still Stands.
How did Tattooed Rednecks, with fuzzy brown teeth, low brainpower, and muddled thinking, a Cigarette and Tit thrust in their mouth at birth, a sixpack or jug of whiskey for daily adult refreshment, and a gob of black tobacky juice still in their mouth while kissing the wife, get to claim they are the “Gold Standard” of God, Patriotism, and Family Values?
This Progressive Liberal wants to know.
Is it Southern Personal Hygiene? Is Hillbilly Hygiene Closer to Godliness?
It’s not like Southern Rednecks don’t need Universal, National, Big Gubmint Health Care, big time, preferably on a Daily Mandated Basis, what with their Tobacco induced Lung Cancer, Heavy Duty Drinkin’, scraggly brown teeth, lard-fried Obesity Chips with Diabetes Sauce, high blood pressure, and let’s not forget Holy Redneck Sun Burnt Skin Cancer Fries! If anybody is “Entitled” to health care, these people are it!
Good Lord, have you seen Southern Redneck teeth? They either can’t afford to go to a Dentist, don’t know what a dentist is, can't afford toothpaste and a brush, or just plum don’t know what teeth are!
Up North, you can buy fake scraggly teeth in the Halloween store. Down south, the scraggly teeth are real, and already in peoples mouths!
Do they even know how to use a toothbrush? Is this just poor schooling, and low tool skills? Or is it the inevitable Limited Tool Use among Primitive Un-Evolved Animals?
No wonder anti-evolutionist Southern Christians don’t want to think they’re evolved from Animals! It reminds them too much of of their current Primitive condition!
Unfortunately, for hard core Christian right wingers, the Existence of Southern Redneck Fossil Teeth is Proof of Evolution staring us in the face, right from the Hillbillies mouth! The “Missing Fossil Record”, that will prove the existence of a new species, the “Toothless Southerner”.
“White Southern Education” (God, I hesitate to even use the term), and White Southern upbringing, has always been a little shaky, with regards to Toothbrushes, Progress, and Human Rights. What’s that you say? Niggers don’t count as Humans, with “Rats”? Oh, right, that forgives all those God Fearin’ Southern White “Christian” Slave Owners! That let’s ‘em all off the hook, and puts ‘em right back at the Top of “Mighty Christian White of You” Status!
But back to fuzzy redneck teeth. A 6 oz. tube of tooth paste at Walmart is One fuckin’ dollar, ONE DOLLAR! Oh shit, I forgot, that’s a Lottery Ticket! How could I forget the Gamblin’? Another one of them Holy Redneck Christian Family Values!
Mind Boggler!
But the real mind boggler is, since rednecks Can’t Afford Health Care anyway, in their low wage “Right to Work For Peanuts” State, why the fuck are they so “Agin It”? (That's southern talk for "against it")
Does it all come down to the Hot Sun, Dehydration and Heat Stroke, that causes such low level, deranged, Poor Quality Thinking? Is the “Southern Fried Brain”, just another cause of Poor Health, mistake prone thinking, and bad family values?
Or is Bad Southern Behavior just due to inbred, hand me down, Low Genetic Brainpower?
Lotsa Musclepower, but Slow on the Mental Go!
Maybe the Southern Mind is like a Southern NASCAR “moonshine runner” car, with lotsa Horsepower, but not a lot of Mental power behind the wheel. It’s like the torque curve, and the horsepower curve, for a big V8 car engine. The Southern Mind has a lot of Low End Muscle power, but not a lot of Intellectual power at the Top End! Gobs of Muscle downstairs, but No Head on top! Ver-ROOM! Watch that sucker go! Oops! Ain’t nobody steering!
I guess it’s just an unfortunate trade-off, in the Evolutionary Biology Game. When you come Out of the Swamp, you get smart, and evolve. Stay back in the swamp, and you stay, “Traditionally Stupid”, and unevolved.
Damn! Am I beatin’ on the “Dumb Southerner Stereotype”? Shit! We All Know THAT doesn’t exist anymore! Right?
“Go marry your Cousin! And get out of my face, you Intellectual Pinhead, FAGGOT SCIENCE, JEW BOY!! I don’t need your LEEBERAL, Yankee Fuckhead, Citified, Sissified, SCHOOLIN’!”
“And as far as I’m concerned, you can burn all your God Damned Books, except the BIBLE, which is the ONLY Book worth reading! You hear me, BOY?”
“And you can Burn that phoney “Moose Limb” bible, the ‘Co-Ran’, where Co stands for Commie, and burn that fake, unfinished, Jew “bible”, cuz the ONLY WAY you’re going to Heaven, Boy, is if you believe in JESUS!”
“And Frankly, I’m personally GLAD we done killed all the Native Mercan Indians, and enslaved them NIGGERS, cuz if that’s what it took to make this “THE GREAT CHRISTIAN NATION” that we are TODAY, then God Damn it, we should all go out, and Hate, Discriminate, and Murder some More! God Damn it all, that’s THE CHRISTIAN WAY! You Understand me BOY? DO YA?”
* * *
Do “These People”, Southerners that is, ever really Think? Or do they just “React”, like Gators gettin’ poked with a Stick, in a Dark Swamp?
Are they really this dumb down here, or is it just that there are fewer people, so the dumb ones just stick out more?
This Liberal wants to know.
Let’s ask a Republican Political Strategist, and a Right Wing Econo-Mist about this, they’re good at Theories, and let’s ask a Preacher Sex Offender! Especially about the “Theory that Financial Markets Work Best Without Rules!” Otherwise known as, “why let a good Spanking, get in the way of Molesting and Fucking everybody, in the whole Economy, or in the Congregation?”
Yes indeedy! Now, were you a Bad girl, or a Good girl today? You know I had to Sneak that in!
OH, YES! You Bad Boy! SNEAK IT RIGHT IN! Ohhh, Yesss! Now sneak it back out! IN! Now, OUT! Now MAKE CIRCLES! Faster! More Circles! There! Right there at that Spot! Don’t STOP! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Now Eat it with that Big, Slurpy Tongue of yours! Oh, you little Wolf! Eat it, Wolf Boy! My little WOLFY! Slurp Your Hot Mama! I’m your Wet Slurpy Pie! Oh, my god, you make me WAG MY HOT WET TAIL! And BARK, like the Good Little Doggy Girl I am! OH-WHOOOOO! Whoof! Whoof! Whoof!
Waggedy, waggedy, WAGGEDY! Yip! Yip!
Oh, Mama’s been BAD!
You’re a Good Boy! Mama Loves You when you get all Slurpy!!
* * *
Republican Redneck Healthcare: The “Jesus Plan”.
Question: Just what is, “Republican Redneck Healthcare”?
Answer: Put your hand on the Bible, get down on your knees, and Pray as Hard as you can to Jesus, God, and the Holy Rollin' Ghost, that you Never, Ever get Sick!
(Ba-boom! Cymbal crash!) Take my Life, please!
Okay…let’s try another one!
Question: What is a “Redneck, Libertarian, Personal Responsibility Healthcare Plan”?
Answer: A canvas bag, with a bone saw, hammer and nails, a pair of pliers, and a jug of whiskey. Also comes with a rope to tie you down, a baseball bat to knock you out, or put you Permanently out of your Misery, and a Silver Dollar for the Undertaker!
For this Last Step in this Redneck Libertarian Healthcare Plan, known as the "Should We Pull the Plug" Death Panel Option, a small, All Volunteer, Anti-Tax, Limited Gubmint, Home Schooled, Christian Freedom, Militia Patriot “Eternal Life Panel”, is required.
This illustrious, self-reliant panel, is made up of the following people: A.) Sparky, the slightly slow, local high school football Coach. B.) Your 83 year-old deaf, partially blind, Spinster Aunt Tillie. C.) Elbert, the manager of the local Goodyear Tire Store, and Captain of the local Anti-Tax, Volunteer Militia, Armageddon Movement. D.) Preacher Viler Styles, fresh back from Alcohol Rehab and Sex Offender School, and father of several local out of wedlock chillun, both black, white and Asian.
This Eternal Life, Price Discrimination, Health Care Ration Panel, begins its Thoughtful, Inscrutable Word of God Analysis, in the waiting room of the tire store. Sparky puts down his ever present Blessed Touchdown Football, and Preacher Styles carefully puts the cap back on his Silver "Blood of Jesus" Flask. Several throats are cleared, and a few chairs squeak.
“Let the meetin’ Commence.”
“Amen.”
“Here, here!”
“As President of this here All Volunteer Militia, Patriot Health Care, Christian Citizen, Eternal Life Panel, I’ll start first!”
"Uh-hmm. The Patient, Virgil, well, he ain’t lookin’ too good."
"Nope."
"We should probably call the Veterinarian."
"Yep."
"He wouldn't want to live like this."
"Nope."
"He'd want us to put him out of his Misery."
"Yep."
"He sure ain't looking too good.".
"Nope."
"Should we take a Vote?"
"Yep."
"Okay by me".
"I’m square with that!"
"Yep."
“WHO’S there? Elbert? IS THAT YOU? What are we doing here?”
"Don't worry, Aunt Tillie, it's all taken care of!"
"Are you sure everything’s fine, ELBERT?”
"YES! Don’t Worry!"
“That’s a Good Boy, Elbert! Whuf...wha...Why aren't you in School, for Pete’s Sake? Your mother isn’t going to like this at all! You’re gonna get in big trouble with the Principal! You’re gonna have to stay after for Detention! You always were a bad boy Elbert! Why, I remember the time you put a dead beetle in my tea!”
* * *
The Small Minds of Small Town People, Under the Mythical Halo of “Small Town Values”. And the Original, Unregulated, Anything Goes, “Free” Market for Slaves!
But the Question Remains.
How did small town Racists, from the Rural American South, with very limited education, a couple of chipped teeth, and a very Narrow view of the world, become the “Shining Example” of all that's supposedly “Good” with American Values?
Was it the small town, after dinner “Lynching Parties”, with happy, likkered up, White Lynch Mobs, known for their “Genteel Southern Hospitality” towards Blacks?
“Hey, Nigger Boy! Let’s go Swing from a Tree for a while, you’ll like the View!”
Or was it the buying, selling, whipping, and general all around mistreating, of other Human Beings, who just happened to be a different color? The “Owning of People”, as Slaves, Property, and Beasts of Burden? As Animals to Serve the White Christian Man? The Better to Serve Jesus with, My Dear! The Better to Serve GOD! Hallelujah!
"Hey, Slave Boy! Fetch me that fresh Cotton, will you please, and I will spare you a good whippin, cuz I have Jesus in my Heart!"
Or was it Southern Baptist preachers, telling their flock it was God's Will, to own people?
"Yas suh! Them Niggers is God’s Chillun, and we Gots to take Keer of 'em!"
This Liberal wants to know.
Southerners: Traitors to the Union! They Betrayed Our Country, and Started Our American Civil War!
Was it Rebelling, and becoming Traitors to America and the Union, and causing a Bloody Civil War that elevated Southern Family Values? Is this where that “Southern Patriotism” thing started? Or is it just their Hot headed, and Blind Urge, to solve everything with Violence? Heat, and dehydration, can make a man do strange things, and thinking clearly, is definitely not one of them.
Or was it preventing, oh excuse me, “making it incredibly hard for black people to vote for 100 years after the War”, that Southerners get to Claim the High Moral Ground, on God, Country and Democratic Values?
This Yankee Abolitionist Liberal, would like to know.
Plantation Justice.
Was it “Free Market” Plantation Economics, that justify today's Southern anti-union behavior, and management mistreatment of Labor? Is that where Southerners get their Rules of Fair Play, that whole “Southern Gentleman” thing?
Or was it the All White Juries, where Nigger Boy never had a chance, and the General Store got to sell a lot of Rope to the Town Folk?
This bleedin' heart, do-gooder, Northern Yankee “leeberal”, wants to know.
Was Jesus a “Nigger Lover?” Real Southerners Don’t Want to Know!
Was it the KKK “Taliban”, the local vigilante, all volunteer, militia police force, ridin' in the night and burnin' down the nigger's shack or the nigger lover's barn, that showed the Power of Jesus in the White Man’s Heart?
(Nigger Lover - a whitey who liked black people, or who took the “nigger side” on an issue. This is different from Colonel Plantation, who was only occasionally a nigger lover, when he fucked one of his nigger slave chicks on the side, and plopped out a blue eyed, light skinned House Boy, to better serve supper with, and clean the Silverware, on the Southern Plantation.)
Or was it the White Supremacy Code, embedded in the state and local laws, and in the Social Fabric, side by side with the Lord's Prayer, the Ten Commandments, and the Statue of Jesus and General Lee, on the neatly mowed Courthouse lawn, that gave the impression they were all doing God’s Work? Just a hop, step, and a skip away, from the cool Shade of the lynch mob, hanging Tree?
This progressive liberal, who believes in the Constitutional Separation of Church and State, wants to know.
Separate, but “Equal” Schools. Trust Me! They Were Equal! Just a Little Short on Pencils and Teachers! And Short on Love, and the Equality of Humans!
Was it the "separate but equal" schools, where whites got books, buildings and teachers, and blacks got benches, shacks and busted pencils? Or was it finally repealing the state laws that said YOU WEREN’T ALLOWED TO TEACH NIGGERS TO READ?
Or was it that Famous “Southern Hospitality” we always hear about, towards Niggers, Queers, Jews, Outside Agitators, City Slicker Northern Jew Boy Lawyers, and any uppity teenage Nigger boy, that might whistle at a white woman, and get Hung for it, like fruit from a tree?
Or was it Good Old Southern, sturdy and consistent, Holier-than-thou Church goin’, where they sang and Praised God and the Holy Ghost, while a Nigger hung outside from a tree, like soap on a Rope? Or, after singing and prayin, they went home to WHIP their slave , for sassin’ his Massa?
This Human Secular, Progressive Reformist “LEEBERAL”, wants to know. You hear me, Southern BOY?
If You Flunk the Golden Rule, Take a “Born Again” Dunk, and Then You Get a Fresh Start, to Sin All Over Again!
Was it the moonshine makin’, likker drinkin', wife cheatin', child molestin', and first cousin, incestous marriage makin’, that gets Southern Rednecks closer to God?
Or is it all that Southern Born Again Crap, with the Constant Baptizing in the Streams, cuz it's hot in the South, and the church just happens to be next door to the River?
"I’m Born Again, how about you? I'm Holier than you, cuz I'm doin' a Regular Dunk in the Holy River Water of Jesus! I‘m Fainting, cuz it‘s Hot! Let’s go Jump in the River! Sermon AND a SWIM! Come on Down! Two services for the price of one! Wear your good underwear!"
You can bet Yankees would be doin' a whole lot of dunkin’ too, if the water Up North weren't ice cold, and shriveled your balls up like a little Lemon. And you didn’t have to chop a hole in the ice first! And when you sat down you froze your ass and your balls to the ice while you were tryin’ to slip in the water. That stuff about your tongue sticking to ice cold metal? Try it with your balls and your dick! “Oh, there’s Johnny, stuck to the Pond! Ain’t he Cute! Why’s he screaming in Pain?”
Was Jesus’ Church a “Whites Only” Church?
Are Southern Women more Godly? Do they "turn the other cheek", just like Jesus, and say in Honey Tones, "Well, ahh don't worry mah pertty leetle head about Worldly Things like thaat! I just turn my purty head the other way and don’t look! I let my Husband handle all Those Worldly Things, so I can concentrate on takin' keer of mah Family! So I just believe what the Preacher Man tells me! And that's why I hate Niggers, Fags, and Jews and Socialist Health Care for Everybody!”
“Why, Jesus never said heal the sick with Big Gubmint Socialism, and give free health care to the niggers, taking it out of my tax dollars, giving them niggers another free ride, leaving me with less money, and then I’ll lose my job, because the Poor Giant Corporations will have to lay off people, because the Big Deficit Tar Baby will make Taxes go up, and the Rich shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the little they already pay!”
Or maybe it was all those wonderfully blunt, kind and loving “Whites Only” signs, that Sprouted like beautiful wild flowers, all over the Wonderful, Gentle South for 100 years? “Whites Only Restaurant”, “Whites Only Water Fountain”, “Niggers Not Welcome!” “Whites Only Church, but hey, we LOVE YOU, JESUS!” “I’m Born Again! How about You? Whites Only!” And “Back of the Bus for You, Jiga bunny Voodoo Chile!”
This Liberal wants to know.
Cruel and Stupid: Cloaked in the Sins of the Past, Present, and Future! Stupid is as Stupid Does. Run, Forrest, Run! The Racists are Right Behind Ya!
When a White Trash Redneck Fool from the South, starts saying he's “The Original American Patriot”, with a lock on God, Country and Family Values, I just gotta laugh.
Why? Cuz this is like a Slutty, Venereal Diseased, Trailer Trash Whore, wearin’ Pure Virgin White, on her Wedding Day. You catch my drift?
(Note: In the old days, if you weren’t a Virgin, an “Untouched Pure Virgin Pussy”, you didn’t get to wear Pure White, on your wedding day, you had to wear something other than Pure White. Like a slutty off-white, or a “damaged goods” custard beige, or egg yolk "whore" cream, or maybe a nice Scarlet Red, with embroidered lettering, around an "A" neck line, with a sign spelling out “Whore” in bright red letters.)
So, while you’re standing there, Southern Man, in your Sin Stained, Ridiculous Pure White Wedding Dress, claiming you’re the “Queen of Family Values”, I will have to Slap your Stupid Face, with my Yankee Liberal Gentleman’s Glove, and say, "You Sir, are a man without Honor! And not only that, but you look really stupid in that dress, you intolerant little pissant Queer!”
“And why do you look so stupid? Why do you look like the Phoney Queen of the Hypocrites Ball? Cuz you’re just taking WAY TOO LONG to catch on, about How to Treat People Fairly in Life. And while we’re discussing how to treat people, just who the FUCK do you think you are? You sir, are the Expert at Mistreating Your Own Family, mistreating your own Women Folk, and killing Your Fellow American Citizens! Do ya know whut I’m sayin, huh, Country Boy?”
“Because this YANKEE LIBERAL, from the part of the Nation that beat your Evil Devil Ass in the Civil War, WANTS TO KNOW!”
“You, Sir, are the Total Exact Opposite of ALL that America has been striving for! I’ll say it real SLOW, so your little pea brain will catch on! It's Justice, Equality, and Freedom for ALL, not just for hate filled, uneducated white fools from the South, like you. Got it, Goober?”
“Think about it, and now try not to be Cruel and Stupid, like you been doin’, for the past 200 years.”
“Do ya think you can handle that, or is it just too much for your Southern Fried, redneck, Lizard Brain, to Handle?”
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Grand Wizard of the Yankee Holy Riders, of the Progressive Liberal “Liberty for All” Clan!
With a Heart and Mind Forged in the Icy Cold Waters of Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, a Birthplace of American Freedom, and The Northern State Where the South Finally Got Its Ass Whipped, with a Near Fatal Death Blow, at Gettysburg!
Where Bleedin’ Heart, Big GubMint “Union Yankee, Liberal Progressive, Do-Gooder Reformers”, Finally Prevailed Over the “Evil Family Values” of the Rebel Traitors from the South, and Their Devil Worshipping, Slave Owning, Corporate Plantation Empire!
You Goobers wouldn't know what Patriotism, God, and Family Values were about if they fell out of the Sky, and hit you on the head like a Brick! Just look at your track record!
Good Lord, you’ve had about 3 Centuries of being on the WRONG SIDE of History! Watch the screen! YOU guys are the BAD Guys in the history books, when it comes to Slavery, Violence and killing in the name of the Lord! It’s bad enough we ALL killed the Native American Indians, but good God, you guys have pretty much made a Career out of hatin’ and Killin’ EVERYBODY!
“Kill the fag, kill the nigger, kill the Jew, kill the Union Boys in blue! If it ain’t white, and if it don’t believe in Jesus, hang it, burn it, or shoot it!” That’s your motto! Written on the first page of your “Christian” Bible!
And you are Always, always, standing in the symbolic “Schoolhouse Doorway”, blocking the Road to Progress and a Better Future, and SLOW to catch on!! Yes sir, you’re Batting about 95 percent, On the Wrong Side of History!
Take that to your "church" on Sunday. And Pray that God has Mercy on your Hate filled, Hell Fired, Southern Fried Sinner Soul. No wonder you're always dunkin' in the Baptize River! You're just burnin' up from your sins, and your hate filled thoughts! It's amazing your clothes don't just catch fire, and your "churches" just burst into Flames, from all the Sinful Kindling your thoughts provide!
Pause for Reflection, and Prayer, because you really need it.
And don’t look at me for YOUR FAULTS! I’m not the Preacher of the One Way for All, Universal Mandatory, One Way Dictator Church, that’s been giving you all this fucked up “guidance” for all these years! I’m not responsible for all your Sins, for all the fucked up thinking in YOUR World, YOU, and your preachers are responsible for your hate filled intolerant thinking!
Your Minds are filled with so much Hate, like Witches and Demons stirring a Bubbling Cooking Pot, and yet you’re Clueless, Confused and BLIND, because you think you’re cooking a Big Pot of LOVE, filled to the Brim, with the LOVE of GOD!
You don’t even know what the word LOVE means anymore.
You’re all mixed up, and confused with HATE, and now you can’t tell the difference between Love and Hate.
You have actually reached the point where you think HATE equals LOVE!
You don’t know how to love anymore, in your Rigid Attempt to Force everyone, to think, to Believe, Exactly as you do.
And if you can’t get everybody to believe Exactly as you do? What do you do?
You get Mad!
YOU GET SO MAD, YOU ARE WILLING TO KILL THEM, FOR NOT BELIEVING WHAT YOU BELIEVE!
If they LOOK DIFFERENT, or THINK DIFFERENTLY, YOU ARE WILLING TO KILL THEM.
WHERE DID GOD SAY THAT?
KILL THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE DIFFERENT??
How can you say you love god, and then kill people, because they are Different?
This Liberal wants to know.
* * *
Copyright © 2010, by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now! Cuz I got Jesus in my heart! And he certainly ain’t in yours!
Because I love people!
You hate them!
That’s the difference!
It’s as simple as that.
Now, if I can only get that Dumb Nigger Boy drivin’ by to turn down his BOOM BOOM Car Radio. Damn! Them walls is rattlin’ again! Shit! Ain’t he deaf yet? Come on Lord, hurry up and Strike that Dumb Nigger Boy Deaf, with his Stupid “music”, so I can get me some Sleep!
Whatever happened to Motown?
I thinks it done turned into Notown!
BOOM BOOM BOOOM, every time dee fuckin’ wheels go ‘roun!
See, that’s Progress! Fifty years ago the southern Sheriff would of Hung the black boy from a tree, for disturbin the peace with the boom boom “music”.
Now, Black boy got freedom, but now he too stupid to know he disturbin’ the peace, and is listenin to shitty retarded “music” as well.
One step forward, two steps back.
It’s like Martin Luther King said, we shouldn’t settle for the “Tranquilizing Drug of Gradualism!” Even in rap “music”.
* * *
Holy shit! There’s something loose in my Mental Clock!
Fix that clock!
I think the only way we can fix the Future, is if we go back in time, to the Bad Old Past!
Yep! The Old Way is ALWAYS better than the New Way!
What the fuck is the matter with this here Clock?
I can’t tell what Time it is!
How can we tell when the Future arrives, if we don’t know when the Past is Gone?
This Liberal wants to know!
How the fuck do ya set this Alarm thing?
I gotta get me some sleep, before I wake up the whole Nation, with my Boom Boom “Music”! What the fuck doo dat White Boy know about Rap “music” anyway? Shit, there ain’t nuthin To Know about rippity rap “music”, cuz der ain’t NO MUSIC THERE!
All you need is a marching band bass drum, and then you record a wino spouting bad poetry in a monotone, while he holds onto his Penis, to remind hisself he’s still a “Man”, and his dick is still there!
Either that, or he’s really gotta pee, and he’s tryin to hold it a littler longer, until he can find an alleyway to piss in!
Yas suh! I still got my dick! White Man can’t take that away from me! No suh! I got my dick, and I ain’t gibbin dat up! No way, no how, NO SUH! My dick is my ticket to Ride!
* * *
The Rich Republicans, and the Poor American South, Pick One More “Lost Cause” After Another, and Are Always at the Forefront of Resisting Progress!
Why? The Better to Control You With, My Dear, Says the Greedy GOP Business Wolf, to the Little Blue Collar Riding Hood!
Since when did Goober and Becky Jo, the two Genetically Defective Trailer Trash Cousins, become the “Poster Chillun” for American Values?
The Short Answer? Since the Republicans discovered they could use a Not-Too-Bright, easily manipulated, reliable Power Base, that could hep Vote ’em into Power.
And once in Power, them Clever Republicans, draping everything in Mom, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet, can then fix the American Money Game in favor of the Rich, while Hiding the “fix” from the Poor Redneck, who doesn’t realize he’s just been screwed out of a fair deal.
Screwed by No Health Care, No Jobs, Low Wages, Reduced or No Benefits, Reduced or No Pensions, and in lotsa other Unseen Tax Laws that Benefit the Rich, and hurt everybody else that ain’t rich.
But the Question still Stands.
How did Tattooed Rednecks, with fuzzy brown teeth, low brainpower, and muddled thinking, a Cigarette and Tit thrust in their mouth at birth, a sixpack or jug of whiskey for daily adult refreshment, and a gob of black tobacky juice still in their mouth while kissing the wife, get to claim they are the “Gold Standard” of God, Patriotism, and Family Values?
This Progressive Liberal wants to know.
Is it Southern Personal Hygiene? Is Hillbilly Hygiene Closer to Godliness?
It’s not like Southern Rednecks don’t need Universal, National, Big Gubmint Health Care, big time, preferably on a Daily Mandated Basis, what with their Tobacco induced Lung Cancer, Heavy Duty Drinkin’, scraggly brown teeth, lard-fried Obesity Chips with Diabetes Sauce, high blood pressure, and let’s not forget Holy Redneck Sun Burnt Skin Cancer Fries! If anybody is “Entitled” to health care, these people are it!
Good Lord, have you seen Southern Redneck teeth? They either can’t afford to go to a Dentist, don’t know what a dentist is, can't afford toothpaste and a brush, or just plum don’t know what teeth are!
Up North, you can buy fake scraggly teeth in the Halloween store. Down south, the scraggly teeth are real, and already in peoples mouths!
Do they even know how to use a toothbrush? Is this just poor schooling, and low tool skills? Or is it the inevitable Limited Tool Use among Primitive Un-Evolved Animals?
No wonder anti-evolutionist Southern Christians don’t want to think they’re evolved from Animals! It reminds them too much of of their current Primitive condition!
Unfortunately, for hard core Christian right wingers, the Existence of Southern Redneck Fossil Teeth is Proof of Evolution staring us in the face, right from the Hillbillies mouth! The “Missing Fossil Record”, that will prove the existence of a new species, the “Toothless Southerner”.
“White Southern Education” (God, I hesitate to even use the term), and White Southern upbringing, has always been a little shaky, with regards to Toothbrushes, Progress, and Human Rights. What’s that you say? Niggers don’t count as Humans, with “Rats”? Oh, right, that forgives all those God Fearin’ Southern White “Christian” Slave Owners! That let’s ‘em all off the hook, and puts ‘em right back at the Top of “Mighty Christian White of You” Status!
But back to fuzzy redneck teeth. A 6 oz. tube of tooth paste at Walmart is One fuckin’ dollar, ONE DOLLAR! Oh shit, I forgot, that’s a Lottery Ticket! How could I forget the Gamblin’? Another one of them Holy Redneck Christian Family Values!
Mind Boggler!
But the real mind boggler is, since rednecks Can’t Afford Health Care anyway, in their low wage “Right to Work For Peanuts” State, why the fuck are they so “Agin It”? (That's southern talk for "against it")
Does it all come down to the Hot Sun, Dehydration and Heat Stroke, that causes such low level, deranged, Poor Quality Thinking? Is the “Southern Fried Brain”, just another cause of Poor Health, mistake prone thinking, and bad family values?
Or is Bad Southern Behavior just due to inbred, hand me down, Low Genetic Brainpower?
Lotsa Musclepower, but Slow on the Mental Go!
Maybe the Southern Mind is like a Southern NASCAR “moonshine runner” car, with lotsa Horsepower, but not a lot of Mental power behind the wheel. It’s like the torque curve, and the horsepower curve, for a big V8 car engine. The Southern Mind has a lot of Low End Muscle power, but not a lot of Intellectual power at the Top End! Gobs of Muscle downstairs, but No Head on top! Ver-ROOM! Watch that sucker go! Oops! Ain’t nobody steering!
I guess it’s just an unfortunate trade-off, in the Evolutionary Biology Game. When you come Out of the Swamp, you get smart, and evolve. Stay back in the swamp, and you stay, “Traditionally Stupid”, and unevolved.
Damn! Am I beatin’ on the “Dumb Southerner Stereotype”? Shit! We All Know THAT doesn’t exist anymore! Right?
“Go marry your Cousin! And get out of my face, you Intellectual Pinhead, FAGGOT SCIENCE, JEW BOY!! I don’t need your LEEBERAL, Yankee Fuckhead, Citified, Sissified, SCHOOLIN’!”
“And as far as I’m concerned, you can burn all your God Damned Books, except the BIBLE, which is the ONLY Book worth reading! You hear me, BOY?”
“And you can Burn that phoney “Moose Limb” bible, the ‘Co-Ran’, where Co stands for Commie, and burn that fake, unfinished, Jew “bible”, cuz the ONLY WAY you’re going to Heaven, Boy, is if you believe in JESUS!”
“And Frankly, I’m personally GLAD we done killed all the Native Mercan Indians, and enslaved them NIGGERS, cuz if that’s what it took to make this “THE GREAT CHRISTIAN NATION” that we are TODAY, then God Damn it, we should all go out, and Hate, Discriminate, and Murder some More! God Damn it all, that’s THE CHRISTIAN WAY! You Understand me BOY? DO YA?”
* * *
Do “These People”, Southerners that is, ever really Think? Or do they just “React”, like Gators gettin’ poked with a Stick, in a Dark Swamp?
Are they really this dumb down here, or is it just that there are fewer people, so the dumb ones just stick out more?
This Liberal wants to know.
Let’s ask a Republican Political Strategist, and a Right Wing Econo-Mist about this, they’re good at Theories, and let’s ask a Preacher Sex Offender! Especially about the “Theory that Financial Markets Work Best Without Rules!” Otherwise known as, “why let a good Spanking, get in the way of Molesting and Fucking everybody, in the whole Economy, or in the Congregation?”
Yes indeedy! Now, were you a Bad girl, or a Good girl today? You know I had to Sneak that in!
OH, YES! You Bad Boy! SNEAK IT RIGHT IN! Ohhh, Yesss! Now sneak it back out! IN! Now, OUT! Now MAKE CIRCLES! Faster! More Circles! There! Right there at that Spot! Don’t STOP! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Now Eat it with that Big, Slurpy Tongue of yours! Oh, you little Wolf! Eat it, Wolf Boy! My little WOLFY! Slurp Your Hot Mama! I’m your Wet Slurpy Pie! Oh, my god, you make me WAG MY HOT WET TAIL! And BARK, like the Good Little Doggy Girl I am! OH-WHOOOOO! Whoof! Whoof! Whoof!
Waggedy, waggedy, WAGGEDY! Yip! Yip!
Oh, Mama’s been BAD!
You’re a Good Boy! Mama Loves You when you get all Slurpy!!
* * *
Republican Redneck Healthcare: The “Jesus Plan”.
Question: Just what is, “Republican Redneck Healthcare”?
Answer: Put your hand on the Bible, get down on your knees, and Pray as Hard as you can to Jesus, God, and the Holy Rollin' Ghost, that you Never, Ever get Sick!
(Ba-boom! Cymbal crash!) Take my Life, please!
Okay…let’s try another one!
Question: What is a “Redneck, Libertarian, Personal Responsibility Healthcare Plan”?
Answer: A canvas bag, with a bone saw, hammer and nails, a pair of pliers, and a jug of whiskey. Also comes with a rope to tie you down, a baseball bat to knock you out, or put you Permanently out of your Misery, and a Silver Dollar for the Undertaker!
For this Last Step in this Redneck Libertarian Healthcare Plan, known as the "Should We Pull the Plug" Death Panel Option, a small, All Volunteer, Anti-Tax, Limited Gubmint, Home Schooled, Christian Freedom, Militia Patriot “Eternal Life Panel”, is required.
This illustrious, self-reliant panel, is made up of the following people: A.) Sparky, the slightly slow, local high school football Coach. B.) Your 83 year-old deaf, partially blind, Spinster Aunt Tillie. C.) Elbert, the manager of the local Goodyear Tire Store, and Captain of the local Anti-Tax, Volunteer Militia, Armageddon Movement. D.) Preacher Viler Styles, fresh back from Alcohol Rehab and Sex Offender School, and father of several local out of wedlock chillun, both black, white and Asian.
This Eternal Life, Price Discrimination, Health Care Ration Panel, begins its Thoughtful, Inscrutable Word of God Analysis, in the waiting room of the tire store. Sparky puts down his ever present Blessed Touchdown Football, and Preacher Styles carefully puts the cap back on his Silver "Blood of Jesus" Flask. Several throats are cleared, and a few chairs squeak.
“Let the meetin’ Commence.”
“Amen.”
“Here, here!”
“As President of this here All Volunteer Militia, Patriot Health Care, Christian Citizen, Eternal Life Panel, I’ll start first!”
"Uh-hmm. The Patient, Virgil, well, he ain’t lookin’ too good."
"Nope."
"We should probably call the Veterinarian."
"Yep."
"He wouldn't want to live like this."
"Nope."
"He'd want us to put him out of his Misery."
"Yep."
"He sure ain't looking too good.".
"Nope."
"Should we take a Vote?"
"Yep."
"Okay by me".
"I’m square with that!"
"Yep."
“WHO’S there? Elbert? IS THAT YOU? What are we doing here?”
"Don't worry, Aunt Tillie, it's all taken care of!"
"Are you sure everything’s fine, ELBERT?”
"YES! Don’t Worry!"
“That’s a Good Boy, Elbert! Whuf...wha...Why aren't you in School, for Pete’s Sake? Your mother isn’t going to like this at all! You’re gonna get in big trouble with the Principal! You’re gonna have to stay after for Detention! You always were a bad boy Elbert! Why, I remember the time you put a dead beetle in my tea!”
* * *
The Small Minds of Small Town People, Under the Mythical Halo of “Small Town Values”. And the Original, Unregulated, Anything Goes, “Free” Market for Slaves!
But the Question Remains.
How did small town Racists, from the Rural American South, with very limited education, a couple of chipped teeth, and a very Narrow view of the world, become the “Shining Example” of all that's supposedly “Good” with American Values?
Was it the small town, after dinner “Lynching Parties”, with happy, likkered up, White Lynch Mobs, known for their “Genteel Southern Hospitality” towards Blacks?
“Hey, Nigger Boy! Let’s go Swing from a Tree for a while, you’ll like the View!”
Or was it the buying, selling, whipping, and general all around mistreating, of other Human Beings, who just happened to be a different color? The “Owning of People”, as Slaves, Property, and Beasts of Burden? As Animals to Serve the White Christian Man? The Better to Serve Jesus with, My Dear! The Better to Serve GOD! Hallelujah!
"Hey, Slave Boy! Fetch me that fresh Cotton, will you please, and I will spare you a good whippin, cuz I have Jesus in my Heart!"
Or was it Southern Baptist preachers, telling their flock it was God's Will, to own people?
"Yas suh! Them Niggers is God’s Chillun, and we Gots to take Keer of 'em!"
This Liberal wants to know.
Southerners: Traitors to the Union! They Betrayed Our Country, and Started Our American Civil War!
Was it Rebelling, and becoming Traitors to America and the Union, and causing a Bloody Civil War that elevated Southern Family Values? Is this where that “Southern Patriotism” thing started? Or is it just their Hot headed, and Blind Urge, to solve everything with Violence? Heat, and dehydration, can make a man do strange things, and thinking clearly, is definitely not one of them.
Or was it preventing, oh excuse me, “making it incredibly hard for black people to vote for 100 years after the War”, that Southerners get to Claim the High Moral Ground, on God, Country and Democratic Values?
This Yankee Abolitionist Liberal, would like to know.
Plantation Justice.
Was it “Free Market” Plantation Economics, that justify today's Southern anti-union behavior, and management mistreatment of Labor? Is that where Southerners get their Rules of Fair Play, that whole “Southern Gentleman” thing?
Or was it the All White Juries, where Nigger Boy never had a chance, and the General Store got to sell a lot of Rope to the Town Folk?
This bleedin' heart, do-gooder, Northern Yankee “leeberal”, wants to know.
Was Jesus a “Nigger Lover?” Real Southerners Don’t Want to Know!
Was it the KKK “Taliban”, the local vigilante, all volunteer, militia police force, ridin' in the night and burnin' down the nigger's shack or the nigger lover's barn, that showed the Power of Jesus in the White Man’s Heart?
(Nigger Lover - a whitey who liked black people, or who took the “nigger side” on an issue. This is different from Colonel Plantation, who was only occasionally a nigger lover, when he fucked one of his nigger slave chicks on the side, and plopped out a blue eyed, light skinned House Boy, to better serve supper with, and clean the Silverware, on the Southern Plantation.)
Or was it the White Supremacy Code, embedded in the state and local laws, and in the Social Fabric, side by side with the Lord's Prayer, the Ten Commandments, and the Statue of Jesus and General Lee, on the neatly mowed Courthouse lawn, that gave the impression they were all doing God’s Work? Just a hop, step, and a skip away, from the cool Shade of the lynch mob, hanging Tree?
This progressive liberal, who believes in the Constitutional Separation of Church and State, wants to know.
Separate, but “Equal” Schools. Trust Me! They Were Equal! Just a Little Short on Pencils and Teachers! And Short on Love, and the Equality of Humans!
Was it the "separate but equal" schools, where whites got books, buildings and teachers, and blacks got benches, shacks and busted pencils? Or was it finally repealing the state laws that said YOU WEREN’T ALLOWED TO TEACH NIGGERS TO READ?
Or was it that Famous “Southern Hospitality” we always hear about, towards Niggers, Queers, Jews, Outside Agitators, City Slicker Northern Jew Boy Lawyers, and any uppity teenage Nigger boy, that might whistle at a white woman, and get Hung for it, like fruit from a tree?
Or was it Good Old Southern, sturdy and consistent, Holier-than-thou Church goin’, where they sang and Praised God and the Holy Ghost, while a Nigger hung outside from a tree, like soap on a Rope? Or, after singing and prayin, they went home to WHIP their slave , for sassin’ his Massa?
This Human Secular, Progressive Reformist “LEEBERAL”, wants to know. You hear me, Southern BOY?
If You Flunk the Golden Rule, Take a “Born Again” Dunk, and Then You Get a Fresh Start, to Sin All Over Again!
Was it the moonshine makin’, likker drinkin', wife cheatin', child molestin', and first cousin, incestous marriage makin’, that gets Southern Rednecks closer to God?
Or is it all that Southern Born Again Crap, with the Constant Baptizing in the Streams, cuz it's hot in the South, and the church just happens to be next door to the River?
"I’m Born Again, how about you? I'm Holier than you, cuz I'm doin' a Regular Dunk in the Holy River Water of Jesus! I‘m Fainting, cuz it‘s Hot! Let’s go Jump in the River! Sermon AND a SWIM! Come on Down! Two services for the price of one! Wear your good underwear!"
You can bet Yankees would be doin' a whole lot of dunkin’ too, if the water Up North weren't ice cold, and shriveled your balls up like a little Lemon. And you didn’t have to chop a hole in the ice first! And when you sat down you froze your ass and your balls to the ice while you were tryin’ to slip in the water. That stuff about your tongue sticking to ice cold metal? Try it with your balls and your dick! “Oh, there’s Johnny, stuck to the Pond! Ain’t he Cute! Why’s he screaming in Pain?”
Was Jesus’ Church a “Whites Only” Church?
Are Southern Women more Godly? Do they "turn the other cheek", just like Jesus, and say in Honey Tones, "Well, ahh don't worry mah pertty leetle head about Worldly Things like thaat! I just turn my purty head the other way and don’t look! I let my Husband handle all Those Worldly Things, so I can concentrate on takin' keer of mah Family! So I just believe what the Preacher Man tells me! And that's why I hate Niggers, Fags, and Jews and Socialist Health Care for Everybody!”
“Why, Jesus never said heal the sick with Big Gubmint Socialism, and give free health care to the niggers, taking it out of my tax dollars, giving them niggers another free ride, leaving me with less money, and then I’ll lose my job, because the Poor Giant Corporations will have to lay off people, because the Big Deficit Tar Baby will make Taxes go up, and the Rich shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the little they already pay!”
Or maybe it was all those wonderfully blunt, kind and loving “Whites Only” signs, that Sprouted like beautiful wild flowers, all over the Wonderful, Gentle South for 100 years? “Whites Only Restaurant”, “Whites Only Water Fountain”, “Niggers Not Welcome!” “Whites Only Church, but hey, we LOVE YOU, JESUS!” “I’m Born Again! How about You? Whites Only!” And “Back of the Bus for You, Jiga bunny Voodoo Chile!”
This Liberal wants to know.
Cruel and Stupid: Cloaked in the Sins of the Past, Present, and Future! Stupid is as Stupid Does. Run, Forrest, Run! The Racists are Right Behind Ya!
When a White Trash Redneck Fool from the South, starts saying he's “The Original American Patriot”, with a lock on God, Country and Family Values, I just gotta laugh.
Why? Cuz this is like a Slutty, Venereal Diseased, Trailer Trash Whore, wearin’ Pure Virgin White, on her Wedding Day. You catch my drift?
(Note: In the old days, if you weren’t a Virgin, an “Untouched Pure Virgin Pussy”, you didn’t get to wear Pure White, on your wedding day, you had to wear something other than Pure White. Like a slutty off-white, or a “damaged goods” custard beige, or egg yolk "whore" cream, or maybe a nice Scarlet Red, with embroidered lettering, around an "A" neck line, with a sign spelling out “Whore” in bright red letters.)
So, while you’re standing there, Southern Man, in your Sin Stained, Ridiculous Pure White Wedding Dress, claiming you’re the “Queen of Family Values”, I will have to Slap your Stupid Face, with my Yankee Liberal Gentleman’s Glove, and say, "You Sir, are a man without Honor! And not only that, but you look really stupid in that dress, you intolerant little pissant Queer!”
“And why do you look so stupid? Why do you look like the Phoney Queen of the Hypocrites Ball? Cuz you’re just taking WAY TOO LONG to catch on, about How to Treat People Fairly in Life. And while we’re discussing how to treat people, just who the FUCK do you think you are? You sir, are the Expert at Mistreating Your Own Family, mistreating your own Women Folk, and killing Your Fellow American Citizens! Do ya know whut I’m sayin, huh, Country Boy?”
“Because this YANKEE LIBERAL, from the part of the Nation that beat your Evil Devil Ass in the Civil War, WANTS TO KNOW!”
“You, Sir, are the Total Exact Opposite of ALL that America has been striving for! I’ll say it real SLOW, so your little pea brain will catch on! It's Justice, Equality, and Freedom for ALL, not just for hate filled, uneducated white fools from the South, like you. Got it, Goober?”
“Think about it, and now try not to be Cruel and Stupid, like you been doin’, for the past 200 years.”
“Do ya think you can handle that, or is it just too much for your Southern Fried, redneck, Lizard Brain, to Handle?”
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Grand Wizard of the Yankee Holy Riders, of the Progressive Liberal “Liberty for All” Clan!
With a Heart and Mind Forged in the Icy Cold Waters of Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, a Birthplace of American Freedom, and The Northern State Where the South Finally Got Its Ass Whipped, with a Near Fatal Death Blow, at Gettysburg!
Where Bleedin’ Heart, Big GubMint “Union Yankee, Liberal Progressive, Do-Gooder Reformers”, Finally Prevailed Over the “Evil Family Values” of the Rebel Traitors from the South, and Their Devil Worshipping, Slave Owning, Corporate Plantation Empire!
You Goobers wouldn't know what Patriotism, God, and Family Values were about if they fell out of the Sky, and hit you on the head like a Brick! Just look at your track record!
Good Lord, you’ve had about 3 Centuries of being on the WRONG SIDE of History! Watch the screen! YOU guys are the BAD Guys in the history books, when it comes to Slavery, Violence and killing in the name of the Lord! It’s bad enough we ALL killed the Native American Indians, but good God, you guys have pretty much made a Career out of hatin’ and Killin’ EVERYBODY!
“Kill the fag, kill the nigger, kill the Jew, kill the Union Boys in blue! If it ain’t white, and if it don’t believe in Jesus, hang it, burn it, or shoot it!” That’s your motto! Written on the first page of your “Christian” Bible!
And you are Always, always, standing in the symbolic “Schoolhouse Doorway”, blocking the Road to Progress and a Better Future, and SLOW to catch on!! Yes sir, you’re Batting about 95 percent, On the Wrong Side of History!
Take that to your "church" on Sunday. And Pray that God has Mercy on your Hate filled, Hell Fired, Southern Fried Sinner Soul. No wonder you're always dunkin' in the Baptize River! You're just burnin' up from your sins, and your hate filled thoughts! It's amazing your clothes don't just catch fire, and your "churches" just burst into Flames, from all the Sinful Kindling your thoughts provide!
Pause for Reflection, and Prayer, because you really need it.
And don’t look at me for YOUR FAULTS! I’m not the Preacher of the One Way for All, Universal Mandatory, One Way Dictator Church, that’s been giving you all this fucked up “guidance” for all these years! I’m not responsible for all your Sins, for all the fucked up thinking in YOUR World, YOU, and your preachers are responsible for your hate filled intolerant thinking!
Your Minds are filled with so much Hate, like Witches and Demons stirring a Bubbling Cooking Pot, and yet you’re Clueless, Confused and BLIND, because you think you’re cooking a Big Pot of LOVE, filled to the Brim, with the LOVE of GOD!
You don’t even know what the word LOVE means anymore.
You’re all mixed up, and confused with HATE, and now you can’t tell the difference between Love and Hate.
You have actually reached the point where you think HATE equals LOVE!
You don’t know how to love anymore, in your Rigid Attempt to Force everyone, to think, to Believe, Exactly as you do.
And if you can’t get everybody to believe Exactly as you do? What do you do?
You get Mad!
YOU GET SO MAD, YOU ARE WILLING TO KILL THEM, FOR NOT BELIEVING WHAT YOU BELIEVE!
If they LOOK DIFFERENT, or THINK DIFFERENTLY, YOU ARE WILLING TO KILL THEM.
WHERE DID GOD SAY THAT?
KILL THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE DIFFERENT??
How can you say you love god, and then kill people, because they are Different?
This Liberal wants to know.
* * *
Copyright © 2010, by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now! Cuz I got Jesus in my heart! And he certainly ain’t in yours!
Because I love people!
You hate them!
That’s the difference!
It’s as simple as that.
Now, if I can only get that Dumb Nigger Boy drivin’ by to turn down his BOOM BOOM Car Radio. Damn! Them walls is rattlin’ again! Shit! Ain’t he deaf yet? Come on Lord, hurry up and Strike that Dumb Nigger Boy Deaf, with his Stupid “music”, so I can get me some Sleep!
Whatever happened to Motown?
I thinks it done turned into Notown!
BOOM BOOM BOOOM, every time dee fuckin’ wheels go ‘roun!
See, that’s Progress! Fifty years ago the southern Sheriff would of Hung the black boy from a tree, for disturbin the peace with the boom boom “music”.
Now, Black boy got freedom, but now he too stupid to know he disturbin’ the peace, and is listenin to shitty retarded “music” as well.
One step forward, two steps back.
It’s like Martin Luther King said, we shouldn’t settle for the “Tranquilizing Drug of Gradualism!” Even in rap “music”.
* * *
Holy shit! There’s something loose in my Mental Clock!
Fix that clock!
I think the only way we can fix the Future, is if we go back in time, to the Bad Old Past!
Yep! The Old Way is ALWAYS better than the New Way!
What the fuck is the matter with this here Clock?
I can’t tell what Time it is!
How can we tell when the Future arrives, if we don’t know when the Past is Gone?
This Liberal wants to know!
How the fuck do ya set this Alarm thing?
I gotta get me some sleep, before I wake up the whole Nation, with my Boom Boom “Music”! What the fuck doo dat White Boy know about Rap “music” anyway? Shit, there ain’t nuthin To Know about rippity rap “music”, cuz der ain’t NO MUSIC THERE!
All you need is a marching band bass drum, and then you record a wino spouting bad poetry in a monotone, while he holds onto his Penis, to remind hisself he’s still a “Man”, and his dick is still there!
Either that, or he’s really gotta pee, and he’s tryin to hold it a littler longer, until he can find an alleyway to piss in!
Yas suh! I still got my dick! White Man can’t take that away from me! No suh! I got my dick, and I ain’t gibbin dat up! No way, no how, NO SUH! My dick is my ticket to Ride!
* * *
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
21st Century Power Tools! Hey Finance Boy! Tell Me Again How We Don't Need No "Regoolators", Cuz Them "Finanshal Markets Will Regoolate Themselves!"
Damn, Boy! You Sure Are a Stitch!
Hey Finance Boy! Over here! Yeah, me and the boys, well, we was wondering what you were drinkin' when you thought up that “Self Regoolatin’ Magic Market Theory”?
That must a been some mighty powerful likker you had, when you came up with that! Wow! What was it? Staten Island Ferry Diesel fuel? Chicago Business School River Water?
Come on over here, Finance Boy, and meet the boys! This is Earl, Virgil, Elton, and Goober!
Howdy! Howdy! Howdy! Hey!
Now me and the boys was wondering if you could stand there and say, out loud like, and straight into the Camera, "Finanshal Markets Regoolate Themselves", while Earl here takes a Picture on his Videophone, whatdaya say?
Uh,I dunno...
Come on, it'll be Fun! Like old times! The boys'll get a big kick out of it!
Okay.
Ready Earl?
Ready!
Okay...Shoot!
Uh-hmm…“Financial Markets Regulate themselves.” There, how's that?
(Hoots, hollers, and fits of uncontrolled Laughter.)
That was great! Now, try it one more time! You're lookin' real good!
Okay...wow, that wasn't so hard! I kinda liked it!
Uh-hmmm…“Financial Markets Self Regulate Themselves!” How's that?
Even better! You haven't lost your Midas Touch!
Course, me and the boys was thinkin'...
What's that?
Well, we was thinkin' that you New York City Jew Boys, should start sticking to that Space Science Stuff that you're really good at, you know, that Einstein Universe Gobbledy-Gook Big Bang Gravity Time Stuff. You boys have a lock on that, but this Plain Old, Earth Finance Stuff, well, you're startin’ to fuck up on it, if you know what I mean!
Yeah, you got that Einstein Jew Science down cold, but this here Regular Finance Stuff, man, you're losing your touch, boy, big time!
Yeah, all sorts of nickel and dime fees, big late charges, reedickalus interest rates, Way Too High Leverage, Big Time Speculation, No Regulation or Adult Supervision, Phony Ratings Agencies, Rampant Look the Other Wayism, whacked out Quantum Finance Physics Math, and way too many Big Bubbles coming out of big, fat Wall Street Asses! You get my Drift, Sailor Boy?
Yeah! It's fuckin' people up! Sucking the Life out of the Country!
Yeah...and you don't wanna create a Stereotype that Jews don't know what they’re doing when it comes to Finance! That wouldn't be good, at all! Uh-uh! No sir!
Yeah, man, no way! That would suck!
Geez...you know, I never thought of it that quite like that before! You could be on to something here!
Yeah, I'd be thinkin' about it if I were you, cuz it's good Public Relations, you know what I mean? And Stereotypes can be nasty bitches to live down!
Yeah! Look at the Italians, and that Mafia Thing, and the Jewish Finance Money Grubbing Thing, and all the Polish jokes, and hell, the Niggers are just one big Giant Stereotype! Dancin, and shakin their big ass, and goin Boom-Boom-Boom! Do those people even Speak English anymore?
And those Swedish Socialist Gay Dudes, always humping their Reindeer, sitting in a sauna, and then runnin naked in the snow!
And those Asians, always doing laundry, frying up cats and dogs, and bent over a pencil, studying their way to Success! No wonder their eyes are all Squinty!
Oh, I hear you! The question is, what can we, as “The Jewish People”, do?
Well, the balls kinda in your court, if you know whut I mean.
No, I don't.
Well, “your people” are the ones always spoutin' about the need for Justice, and Human Rats, and always goin to court to get new Laws and Regulations Against Cruel Treatment of Human Beings, especially the Mistreatment of Niggers, and workers, and poor people, and Second Class Inferior Females, and them Jew People, like in that Holler Cost you’re always Complaining about. Geez, all that shit starts gettin old after awhile! Can’t you Jews complain about something else for awhile, besides Injustice, and Holler Costs?
I still don't get it.
You gotta get yourself, “Your People”, under control, Boy!
Why?
Cuz you're actin' like some kinda wild, likkered up, out of control, redneck racist, Finance Lynch Mob, stringin’ people up, and hangin’ ‘em out to dry from a Finanshal Tree, for being a Nigger, a Jew, or a Subprime, Sub-Human Mortgage or Credit Card Holder!
You’re acting like some kind of Drunken, Wild West Posse, “The Crazy Jew Banker Gang”, The Gang That Couldn’t Bank Straight, The Fucked Up Financiers from Fresno, shootin up the Saloon, Burning down Nigger Town, and takin the rest of Main Street along with it!
And all this whacked out finance shit is infecting the banks, the insurance companies, regular companies, Wall Street, Main Street, and all of FUCKING AMERICA with it!
You’re SUCKING the LIFE OUT of the COUNTRY for some short term PROFIT, and selling the country down the river! And people start thinking, YOU DID IT! How else do I gotta explain it to ya? You’re REINFORCING the same old fucking Stereotype, and how STUPID is that, Einstein?
Hell, you might as well go back to wearing a Gold Star on your clothes, and a bank account number tattooed on your wrist, and say “Look at all the good we’re doing! Them Jews is at it again! Burning down a Finance Center near you! Come on down to the Finance Death Camp!”
Whether it’s True or Not, the story still sticks, reinforcing old stereotypes. And new ones as well.
You Jew Boys are sposed to be the smartest People on the Freakin’ Planet! But with this Finance Stuff, it’s starting to look like, “Uh-oh! Them Finance Jew boys just fucked up some more! One more Time, here we go Again!! You’re starting to look like you’re actually Slow to Catch On! Instead o bein the brainest people that ever lived! Do ya see whut I‘m sayin?
Course, Money is a Powerful Whore, and very Easy to meet! The Lure of the Whore will always be tempting the Stupid Dicks of Wall Street! And that’s why we need a “Christian, Capitalist, Cash Condom”, for those times when Republicans, right wingers, and religious Freaks, really should “Just Say NO!” Just Say No to the Capitalist Cash Ho! A Prudent Prophylactic, against Financial Disease!
Oh.
You see, you're just like the rest of Us. The Unwashed, the Unlucky, and the Uncircumcised.
How so?
You get some Power, and pretty soon, you're fuckin things up, just like everybody else, you know what I mean? Abusing Your Power!
Oh.
Yeah, you get your hands on a few control levers, and the next thing you know, you’re makin’ the same screw ups and mistakes as everybody else.
You’ve turned out just like the rest of fucked up Humanity. You’re no better, or worse. Give em a little Power, and they fuck up like all the rest. Give em an inch, they take a mile.
Power corrupts, even “the put upon, oppressed, oh so sensitive, chosen special, non-corruptible, Outsider Jews”. Once they’re on the Inside, you can’t tell em apart from the Old Insiders! Hey, “I was Just following Orders”, if you know what I mean! We’re the “New Germans!” Spelled with a J, as in, “Jerman!”
Gee, I didn’t realize! I’m, uh, really Sorry! Should I get you an Apology from the “Jewish People”?
Well, you don’t have to go to any Extremes, but you might look into buying fewer Glass Houses, if yer gonna throw Stones at us good old White Racists!
O-kay, fair enough!
There you go! Now your catching on! You Jew Boys are Smart! See, that’s all I’m saying, fairness for everybody! Not just for Jews or Rascists!
Uh, I think you got a point there.
So, how does it feel to be Jewish, and hold the Reigns of Power, to finally be “The White Man”?
I guess I never thought of it that way before. I kinda always thought I was white. What do you mean?
Well, in the past, you Jew Boys were the Oppressed, but now the shoe is on the other foot. Both feet. You da Man in Power now!
And we’re all gettin’ a front row look at your screw ups, you know whut I mean, boy? So let's clean up your Act a little. It’ll do wonders for how My People think about Your People, you know whut I’m sayin’?
And you see, you ain't off to a good start. For example, Burnin' down Wall Street in 2008 wasn't a real smart Move. And takin' down the Whole Economy along with it, wasn't exactly brilliant either.
It kinda makes My People think, when are YOU PEOPLE, gonna learn?
You know whut I’m sayin’, huh, do ya, Jew Boy?
I mean, you don’t want to turn back the clock, now do ya? After all this Progress we’ve made? That would be a Shame, now wouldn’t it?
Well, uh, you certainly have given me something to think about.
Well, You People always have been Smart Thinkers! Inventin’ A-Bombs and writin Plays and such! Only now, you’re startin’ to act just like everybody else!
Yep, not so special no more, just as fucked up as everybody else! How does it feel to be part of the botched and bungled Insider Gang, to be a part of the Oppressor Establishment, instead of always the Oppressed Outsider, pointing out everybody else’s shortcomings??
What would make you think we’re part of the Establishment, the Old Boy Power Network?
Well, damn boy, you done got your fingers in the pie of the two most critical Power Tools of the 21st Century!
And what might that be?
Shit boy! Are you the only Dumb Jew left on the Planet?
(Guffaws, hoots and hollers from the others.)
Of Course Not!
(Silence.)
But, uh, what ARE the Two most Critical Power Tools of the 21st Century?
(Explosions of Laughter. Goober falls on the floor, and rolls off the porch!)
Hee-Haw! You are just like one of us, ain’t he boys!
(Lots of snickers and snorts from Goober, Earl and Virgil. Elton, well, he’s off to the side, playin’ the pie-anny, some tune called “Candle in the Wind”.)
Okay, I give up, JUST WHAT, are the TWO, MOST IMPORTANT, POWER TOOLS, of the 21ST CENTURY? PUH-LEASE! With Sugar On Top!
Co-Muny-Cay-Shuns, and Fi-Nance! With them two, a Giant Corporate World could pretty much take over a Democracy, now couldn’t it?
(Dead Silence.)
(Long Pause.)
(Nobody moves an inch. For a startling, heart stopping Instant, Time appears unmoving, frozen to a Dead Stop.)
(You can hear a pin drop. Then wind, and rustling leaves. A lone wolf howl, off in the distance. Is this the way the World Ends, in the Silencing of Truth, on an ice cold snow covered field, buried under a Cacophony of Icy, rock hard Lies?)
(And then, with one little bloop, like a drop of water dripping from an icicle, Time restarts, speeding into forward motion again, with a Whoosh of Air sound.)
(WHOOSH! POINK! BLOOP!)
I, uh, I’m not sure I get what you mean.
Boy, did you just fall off the turnip truck, or what? Check him Boys, see if he’s still wet behind the ears!
Look, Giant Corporations get a pile of money from their Operations, and they work hand in hand with them New York Finance boys, then they send in the lobbyists to Congress, pay off all the politicians, get everything their way, make even more money, and meanwhile, the little people, the Voters, is kept in the dark, because the Giant Co-Muny-Cayshun Corporations, owned by other Giant Corporations, CONTROL THE STORY, THE INFO, THE “FACTS”, THE IMAGES, THE PROPAGANDA, THE BELIEFS OF THE PEOPLE!
What are you, Boy, a widget head? A Dumb Nigger? A Dumb Bunny? Is it really possible for a Jew to be this STUPID? I thought you was one of them Smart Jew Boys! Mama-mia, I can’t believe this Feller! I can tell you ain’t one of them Rocket Science Jew Boys!
Look, Sir! I’m still not sure I get this! I mean, this IS a little, well, EXTREME! You know, Kooky, UFO Spaceship Stuff, little greenmen from Mars, you know what I mean? Like, “woo-woo-wee-woo!”
Okay, Ira, or Harold, or whatever your Sissy Jew Boy name is, listen up! One more time, you can’t have a Real Democracy, if the Voters aren’t Informed, aren’t told the Facts and the Truth, and are kept in the dark, and then can’t make informed decisions on how to vote on important issues!
If the Corporations Control Huge Piles of MONEY, and use the money to control the STORY and the “Facts”, and “Create” a “Truth” they want you to Believe, and then use the Money to Control YOUR Politicians, and get them to do what the Giant corporations Want them to do, then you no longer are a part of the DEMOCRACY!
Oh.
You are OUT of the LOOP at that point! You’re Out Of THE GAME! You’re NO LONGER a PLAYER! They have side lined you, put you out of the game, on the bench, and not participating any more! GOT IT, BUMPKINHEAD? You ain’t a PLAYER NO MO! You just along fo dee Ride, and it could get mighty Bumpy!
Oh.
(Silence. Toe circles in the sand.)
Well, gee, I guess I should thank you gentlemen, for this New Perspective! I really had never thought of it this way before, until you pointed this out to me! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it! Really!
Ahh, don’t mention it, just tryin’ to hep out! Cuz I know that deep down, you Jew Boys are Basically a Good People! Even tho you are a little Strange, always counting your money, and makin’ them Hollywood Fornicator Movies, and not believing in Jesus and all!
But I forgive ya, cuz I’m a Christian! We try to help others with their Faults!
Well, that’s, uh, Mighty White of you!
Ah, don’t mention it! It’s nothin’! Just part of bein’ Christian! It’s one of our Better Qualities! I always felt You People never really deserved that there HollerCost. Hell, that was a bit extreme, even for me. Once they were done killin’ the Bad Jews, they could of at least let the Good Jews go Free! But just one small piece of Advice…
What’s that?
Go easy on them crappy Hollywood films, okay? All your doin’ is makin’ that Techno Wiz crap for kids! And go easy on that rap crap stuff, and that fucked up, out of key shit that tries to pass for white boy rock n roll these days. If you can do that, I’d be mighty obliged!
Hey! Okay! No sweat! I’ll see what I can do!
’Preciate it. I know you’ll do your best. Pass the Word. When you Jew Boys set your minds to sumthin’, you usually don’t leave any stones unturned.
Oh, and Jew Boy?
Yes?
MUZZLE TROUGH! And SHOW LONG, to ya! And have some of them YUMMY KIPPER fish, fried in bacon grease, for Christmas! And (wink-wink), don’t get too High on them thar Holy Days, cuz Pot ain’t too good for motivation, and the last thing we need is Unmotivated Jews! You got that, Jew Boy?
Yes, Sir!
Oh, and Jew boy?
Yes?
One more thing! I still love ya, even though ya did kill Jesus! There’s still hope for ya yet!
One day you may even start believing in the Real God, not that made up Jew God yer always prayin’ to! See, I believe in the Power of Prayer, so you don’t want to be wastin your Precious Prayer time on that Mohammed, or Yahweh dude, that’s just a dead end street! You see, the real God was this White Dude from Sweden, with blonde hair and blue eyes, not that kinky African shit.
Oh, I never really knew that! Thanks for setting me straight!
Now, them Jew Chicks are another story! A lot of them are not bad looking! I wouldn’t mind doing me a few of those! You know any good lookin’ Jew Chicks, huh, Jew Boy?
Maybe.
Can I still marry one, and have Hot Fornicator Sex, if don’t Convert? Or does that mean I’ll turn into an Infidel, and Burn in Hell?
Uh, I’m not sure.
Yeah, well, you let me know on that one! Maybe you could ask one of your Rabbit preachers!
Rabbit Preachers?
Yeah, you know, them Singing Rabbits in your Sin-o-Gods! You Jew People must feel awful guilty about something, naming your churches “Sin-o-Gods!”
That’s Synagogue! And it’s Rabbi Cantors!
Yeah, sure! Hey! I got me a lucky Rabbits foot I always carry around with me, and I was wondering…
What?
Well, it don’t sing or nothin’, but do ya think maybe it’s a Jewish Rabbit?
Signed,
Rabbi Faint Bernard, the non-denominational rabbit saint, which means we take dollars, yen, pounds, francs, you name it! And on a Bad Day, oi, we’ll even take German marks.
Top of the Mornin’ to Ya!
And a Fiddle-dee-dee on your roof top, as well!
Here, have a Bagel…and a little Schmeer! And be nice to your Motha! Where would you be, without “Huh”! (that’s New Yawk for “Her”). You’ll catch on.
* * *
At the New York Times Thought Control Department.
(Knock-knock.)
(A tiny little window in the door slides open, and an eyeball peeks out.)
Whaddaya want?
Can you Print this?
What, are you NUTS?
I’m just asking!
Get out of here! I got a newspaper to run! This ain’t news, this is Reality! We don’t Print Reality!
Why?
Do you think we’re CRAZY? We can’t print Reality, it’s TOO FUCKING REAL.
Why not?
How many times I gotta tell ya! We print news, not reality!
Now go away! You’re buggin’ me! I got work to do!
(Bam! Door slams. Sound of muffled voices, yelling.)
Print Reality! What flyin’ saucer is that guy on? I can’t fuckin’ believe that guy! Where do they get these people? My God, such a headache!
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved, including my right to wear a Yar-Mooka, whenever my head is Cold! And in Russia, that’s A LOT! Whoa! I gotta go, here comes my Flyin’ Saucer!
Hang on, I gotta adjust my E-Meter! WOW! I just got an Image of Tom Cruise, sitting on the can, taking a crap, staring at Heaven, and wearing a Sea Captains Hat! Is that a miracle, or what?
* * *
I knew a Banker on Wall Street that played the Hanukah.
What? You mean the Harmonica!
No, I mean the Hanukah!
This is a joke, right, well, it’s not Funny!
I’m telling you, he played the Hanukah! But he finally stopped playing.
Why?
Because every time he did, Wall Street would Burn Down, and we would all get the BLUES!
Ba-Dum-BUMP! Cymbal CRASH! Take my Life Savings, PLEASE!
Believe it or not, I just made this Joke up! At 3:15 PM, December 09, 2009!
Is this an Anti-Semen Joke, or what? You need a Kleenex for this one! This one’s all over the place!
* * *
Well, I think that’s a wrap!
Should we send this to the New Yawk Times?
No, they’ll never print it.
Why?
Not enough Guts. Appeasement is the name of the Game. They have too many people to Appease. No point in standing up to the New Financial Tyrant. You’ve heard of Ethnic Cleansing? Well, this is called, Ethnic Pleasing.
Let’s go for lunch! There’s a new place on Wall Street, very popular.
What’s it called?
The Financial Crematorium.
Sounds Good! Let’s Go!
They have this delightful crème based Mortgage tortilla wrap, and bloody Sub-Prime Ribs!
Hmmm! Delicious!
Those Wall Street Boys really know their way around a Cooked Set of Accounting Books!
I’ll say!
Did you hear from now on, Wall Street is going to be regulated by the New York City Fire Department?
No, I didn’t hear that!
Yeah, the Fire Department has a much faster Response Time! They actually recognize Financial Fire when they see it! And they don’t hire Blind Financial Fireman! And with NYFD, as opposed to Wall Street, the Incentive is to put the fire out, before it burns down The Economy, and not add more bodies, and gasoline, for an extra brighter, flaming Ass Bonus!
It sounds like an entirely different Philosophy!
Yeah, one is Short Term, the other is Long Term!
What’s weird is the short term philosophy fucks a lot more people, and benefit’s a lot fewer!
I gotta think about that, I never thought about that before!
* * *
I once knew a Jewish banker on Wall Street, who played the menorah in a band, during Hanukah!
Wait a minute! You mean he played the Harmonica, during Hanukah?
No, he played with the menorah, but then he stopped.
Why?
Because every time he lit the menorah, he set on fire Some More Wall Street Manure, and burned down the house, and gave everybody the Blues!
So no one wanted him in the Band anymore?
No. Needless to say, his Musical Career was very short lived!
Yeah, guys like that are always going up in a Chimney of Smoke.
Kinda like a Financial “Off Switch”?
Yeah, like that. “Arbeit Macht Fire”, or “Work sets you on Fire!”, or, “Work burns down Wall Street!”
You’d think people like that would learn, after all the Hollering, the Costs, people getting Burned, and their Life Savings turned into a pile of Ashes!
Yeah, but I think “Never Forget”, never really works on Wall Street.
Do ya think maybe it’s something Genetic?
I don’t know, let’s ask Einstein, he was smart.
Apparently those other guys don’t seem to know.
[Ka-chunk! Spotlight off. Stage dark.]
* * *
At the Museum of Historical Authenticity, Gallery of Financial Red Ink. If You Don’t Know Your History, You’re Doomed to Repeat It! Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, If you Invest with Wall Street, You Could Go Bust!
Note to Future Time Capsule Boy!
File this under “Hanukah, 2008-9”: The consecration of the “New Wailing Wall” of Greed, at the Temple of the Money Changers, on Wall Street, in New Jewruthlessem, New Yawk City, USA, Planet Earth, Ford Galaxy 500.
Definitions: “Arbeit Macht Frei”, “work makes you free”. Slogan in the Gate at Auschwitz Death Camp. The New Wall Street translation is, “Work sets us all on Fire!”
Wailing Wall, the Wall where prayers are said for Lost Souls. Whaling Wall, the wall where fat Wall Street Whales, say prayers for lost Gold, and stereotypes are set in Stone.
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all comen zee Back now! You hear, Jew Boy?
Vee haff new Innovative ways to make you Invest your Life Savings, Ja?
It’s just a short train ride away! Trust me!
Vee wouldn’t lie to You, would we?
Look, I give you a really good price on GOLD, or anything else you got!
Come On! Whatdaya say? It’s a Good Deal!
Come on Down! To Morty’s Finance Camp Bazaar!
You’ll “NEVER FORGET” the Place! I Guarantee it!
You’ll derive so much satisfaction from the place, you’ll never forget the word DERIVATIVE again!
* * *
By Y’all! I gotta go drive around the block in my Racistmobile!
Ver-room! Ver-ROOM!
Rumble-Bumble-Mumble!
You wanna go for a Ride, in my Big Black Car?
I have a tiny little, pink cigar!
Put your lips right there, and suck on it! Now don’t that Taste Good? Hmmm!
Now that’s what I call drivin down the river, and deriving the maximum river, of derivative Satisfaction!
Don’t you agree, Cornfish?
If you keep suckin on dat, maybe my No Good, Dog gone Account will start Growing Again! Yass, Suh!
* * *
Hey Finance Boy! Over here! Yeah, me and the boys, well, we was wondering what you were drinkin' when you thought up that “Self Regoolatin’ Magic Market Theory”?
That must a been some mighty powerful likker you had, when you came up with that! Wow! What was it? Staten Island Ferry Diesel fuel? Chicago Business School River Water?
Come on over here, Finance Boy, and meet the boys! This is Earl, Virgil, Elton, and Goober!
Howdy! Howdy! Howdy! Hey!
Now me and the boys was wondering if you could stand there and say, out loud like, and straight into the Camera, "Finanshal Markets Regoolate Themselves", while Earl here takes a Picture on his Videophone, whatdaya say?
Uh,I dunno...
Come on, it'll be Fun! Like old times! The boys'll get a big kick out of it!
Okay.
Ready Earl?
Ready!
Okay...Shoot!
Uh-hmm…“Financial Markets Regulate themselves.” There, how's that?
(Hoots, hollers, and fits of uncontrolled Laughter.)
That was great! Now, try it one more time! You're lookin' real good!
Okay...wow, that wasn't so hard! I kinda liked it!
Uh-hmmm…“Financial Markets Self Regulate Themselves!” How's that?
Even better! You haven't lost your Midas Touch!
Course, me and the boys was thinkin'...
What's that?
Well, we was thinkin' that you New York City Jew Boys, should start sticking to that Space Science Stuff that you're really good at, you know, that Einstein Universe Gobbledy-Gook Big Bang Gravity Time Stuff. You boys have a lock on that, but this Plain Old, Earth Finance Stuff, well, you're startin’ to fuck up on it, if you know what I mean!
Yeah, you got that Einstein Jew Science down cold, but this here Regular Finance Stuff, man, you're losing your touch, boy, big time!
Yeah, all sorts of nickel and dime fees, big late charges, reedickalus interest rates, Way Too High Leverage, Big Time Speculation, No Regulation or Adult Supervision, Phony Ratings Agencies, Rampant Look the Other Wayism, whacked out Quantum Finance Physics Math, and way too many Big Bubbles coming out of big, fat Wall Street Asses! You get my Drift, Sailor Boy?
Yeah! It's fuckin' people up! Sucking the Life out of the Country!
Yeah...and you don't wanna create a Stereotype that Jews don't know what they’re doing when it comes to Finance! That wouldn't be good, at all! Uh-uh! No sir!
Yeah, man, no way! That would suck!
Geez...you know, I never thought of it that quite like that before! You could be on to something here!
Yeah, I'd be thinkin' about it if I were you, cuz it's good Public Relations, you know what I mean? And Stereotypes can be nasty bitches to live down!
Yeah! Look at the Italians, and that Mafia Thing, and the Jewish Finance Money Grubbing Thing, and all the Polish jokes, and hell, the Niggers are just one big Giant Stereotype! Dancin, and shakin their big ass, and goin Boom-Boom-Boom! Do those people even Speak English anymore?
And those Swedish Socialist Gay Dudes, always humping their Reindeer, sitting in a sauna, and then runnin naked in the snow!
And those Asians, always doing laundry, frying up cats and dogs, and bent over a pencil, studying their way to Success! No wonder their eyes are all Squinty!
Oh, I hear you! The question is, what can we, as “The Jewish People”, do?
Well, the balls kinda in your court, if you know whut I mean.
No, I don't.
Well, “your people” are the ones always spoutin' about the need for Justice, and Human Rats, and always goin to court to get new Laws and Regulations Against Cruel Treatment of Human Beings, especially the Mistreatment of Niggers, and workers, and poor people, and Second Class Inferior Females, and them Jew People, like in that Holler Cost you’re always Complaining about. Geez, all that shit starts gettin old after awhile! Can’t you Jews complain about something else for awhile, besides Injustice, and Holler Costs?
I still don't get it.
You gotta get yourself, “Your People”, under control, Boy!
Why?
Cuz you're actin' like some kinda wild, likkered up, out of control, redneck racist, Finance Lynch Mob, stringin’ people up, and hangin’ ‘em out to dry from a Finanshal Tree, for being a Nigger, a Jew, or a Subprime, Sub-Human Mortgage or Credit Card Holder!
You’re acting like some kind of Drunken, Wild West Posse, “The Crazy Jew Banker Gang”, The Gang That Couldn’t Bank Straight, The Fucked Up Financiers from Fresno, shootin up the Saloon, Burning down Nigger Town, and takin the rest of Main Street along with it!
And all this whacked out finance shit is infecting the banks, the insurance companies, regular companies, Wall Street, Main Street, and all of FUCKING AMERICA with it!
You’re SUCKING the LIFE OUT of the COUNTRY for some short term PROFIT, and selling the country down the river! And people start thinking, YOU DID IT! How else do I gotta explain it to ya? You’re REINFORCING the same old fucking Stereotype, and how STUPID is that, Einstein?
Hell, you might as well go back to wearing a Gold Star on your clothes, and a bank account number tattooed on your wrist, and say “Look at all the good we’re doing! Them Jews is at it again! Burning down a Finance Center near you! Come on down to the Finance Death Camp!”
Whether it’s True or Not, the story still sticks, reinforcing old stereotypes. And new ones as well.
You Jew Boys are sposed to be the smartest People on the Freakin’ Planet! But with this Finance Stuff, it’s starting to look like, “Uh-oh! Them Finance Jew boys just fucked up some more! One more Time, here we go Again!! You’re starting to look like you’re actually Slow to Catch On! Instead o bein the brainest people that ever lived! Do ya see whut I‘m sayin?
Course, Money is a Powerful Whore, and very Easy to meet! The Lure of the Whore will always be tempting the Stupid Dicks of Wall Street! And that’s why we need a “Christian, Capitalist, Cash Condom”, for those times when Republicans, right wingers, and religious Freaks, really should “Just Say NO!” Just Say No to the Capitalist Cash Ho! A Prudent Prophylactic, against Financial Disease!
Oh.
You see, you're just like the rest of Us. The Unwashed, the Unlucky, and the Uncircumcised.
How so?
You get some Power, and pretty soon, you're fuckin things up, just like everybody else, you know what I mean? Abusing Your Power!
Oh.
Yeah, you get your hands on a few control levers, and the next thing you know, you’re makin’ the same screw ups and mistakes as everybody else.
You’ve turned out just like the rest of fucked up Humanity. You’re no better, or worse. Give em a little Power, and they fuck up like all the rest. Give em an inch, they take a mile.
Power corrupts, even “the put upon, oppressed, oh so sensitive, chosen special, non-corruptible, Outsider Jews”. Once they’re on the Inside, you can’t tell em apart from the Old Insiders! Hey, “I was Just following Orders”, if you know what I mean! We’re the “New Germans!” Spelled with a J, as in, “Jerman!”
Gee, I didn’t realize! I’m, uh, really Sorry! Should I get you an Apology from the “Jewish People”?
Well, you don’t have to go to any Extremes, but you might look into buying fewer Glass Houses, if yer gonna throw Stones at us good old White Racists!
O-kay, fair enough!
There you go! Now your catching on! You Jew Boys are Smart! See, that’s all I’m saying, fairness for everybody! Not just for Jews or Rascists!
Uh, I think you got a point there.
So, how does it feel to be Jewish, and hold the Reigns of Power, to finally be “The White Man”?
I guess I never thought of it that way before. I kinda always thought I was white. What do you mean?
Well, in the past, you Jew Boys were the Oppressed, but now the shoe is on the other foot. Both feet. You da Man in Power now!
And we’re all gettin’ a front row look at your screw ups, you know whut I mean, boy? So let's clean up your Act a little. It’ll do wonders for how My People think about Your People, you know whut I’m sayin’?
And you see, you ain't off to a good start. For example, Burnin' down Wall Street in 2008 wasn't a real smart Move. And takin' down the Whole Economy along with it, wasn't exactly brilliant either.
It kinda makes My People think, when are YOU PEOPLE, gonna learn?
You know whut I’m sayin’, huh, do ya, Jew Boy?
I mean, you don’t want to turn back the clock, now do ya? After all this Progress we’ve made? That would be a Shame, now wouldn’t it?
Well, uh, you certainly have given me something to think about.
Well, You People always have been Smart Thinkers! Inventin’ A-Bombs and writin Plays and such! Only now, you’re startin’ to act just like everybody else!
Yep, not so special no more, just as fucked up as everybody else! How does it feel to be part of the botched and bungled Insider Gang, to be a part of the Oppressor Establishment, instead of always the Oppressed Outsider, pointing out everybody else’s shortcomings??
What would make you think we’re part of the Establishment, the Old Boy Power Network?
Well, damn boy, you done got your fingers in the pie of the two most critical Power Tools of the 21st Century!
And what might that be?
Shit boy! Are you the only Dumb Jew left on the Planet?
(Guffaws, hoots and hollers from the others.)
Of Course Not!
(Silence.)
But, uh, what ARE the Two most Critical Power Tools of the 21st Century?
(Explosions of Laughter. Goober falls on the floor, and rolls off the porch!)
Hee-Haw! You are just like one of us, ain’t he boys!
(Lots of snickers and snorts from Goober, Earl and Virgil. Elton, well, he’s off to the side, playin’ the pie-anny, some tune called “Candle in the Wind”.)
Okay, I give up, JUST WHAT, are the TWO, MOST IMPORTANT, POWER TOOLS, of the 21ST CENTURY? PUH-LEASE! With Sugar On Top!
Co-Muny-Cay-Shuns, and Fi-Nance! With them two, a Giant Corporate World could pretty much take over a Democracy, now couldn’t it?
(Dead Silence.)
(Long Pause.)
(Nobody moves an inch. For a startling, heart stopping Instant, Time appears unmoving, frozen to a Dead Stop.)
(You can hear a pin drop. Then wind, and rustling leaves. A lone wolf howl, off in the distance. Is this the way the World Ends, in the Silencing of Truth, on an ice cold snow covered field, buried under a Cacophony of Icy, rock hard Lies?)
(And then, with one little bloop, like a drop of water dripping from an icicle, Time restarts, speeding into forward motion again, with a Whoosh of Air sound.)
(WHOOSH! POINK! BLOOP!)
I, uh, I’m not sure I get what you mean.
Boy, did you just fall off the turnip truck, or what? Check him Boys, see if he’s still wet behind the ears!
Look, Giant Corporations get a pile of money from their Operations, and they work hand in hand with them New York Finance boys, then they send in the lobbyists to Congress, pay off all the politicians, get everything their way, make even more money, and meanwhile, the little people, the Voters, is kept in the dark, because the Giant Co-Muny-Cayshun Corporations, owned by other Giant Corporations, CONTROL THE STORY, THE INFO, THE “FACTS”, THE IMAGES, THE PROPAGANDA, THE BELIEFS OF THE PEOPLE!
What are you, Boy, a widget head? A Dumb Nigger? A Dumb Bunny? Is it really possible for a Jew to be this STUPID? I thought you was one of them Smart Jew Boys! Mama-mia, I can’t believe this Feller! I can tell you ain’t one of them Rocket Science Jew Boys!
Look, Sir! I’m still not sure I get this! I mean, this IS a little, well, EXTREME! You know, Kooky, UFO Spaceship Stuff, little greenmen from Mars, you know what I mean? Like, “woo-woo-wee-woo!”
Okay, Ira, or Harold, or whatever your Sissy Jew Boy name is, listen up! One more time, you can’t have a Real Democracy, if the Voters aren’t Informed, aren’t told the Facts and the Truth, and are kept in the dark, and then can’t make informed decisions on how to vote on important issues!
If the Corporations Control Huge Piles of MONEY, and use the money to control the STORY and the “Facts”, and “Create” a “Truth” they want you to Believe, and then use the Money to Control YOUR Politicians, and get them to do what the Giant corporations Want them to do, then you no longer are a part of the DEMOCRACY!
Oh.
You are OUT of the LOOP at that point! You’re Out Of THE GAME! You’re NO LONGER a PLAYER! They have side lined you, put you out of the game, on the bench, and not participating any more! GOT IT, BUMPKINHEAD? You ain’t a PLAYER NO MO! You just along fo dee Ride, and it could get mighty Bumpy!
Oh.
(Silence. Toe circles in the sand.)
Well, gee, I guess I should thank you gentlemen, for this New Perspective! I really had never thought of it this way before, until you pointed this out to me! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it! Really!
Ahh, don’t mention it, just tryin’ to hep out! Cuz I know that deep down, you Jew Boys are Basically a Good People! Even tho you are a little Strange, always counting your money, and makin’ them Hollywood Fornicator Movies, and not believing in Jesus and all!
But I forgive ya, cuz I’m a Christian! We try to help others with their Faults!
Well, that’s, uh, Mighty White of you!
Ah, don’t mention it! It’s nothin’! Just part of bein’ Christian! It’s one of our Better Qualities! I always felt You People never really deserved that there HollerCost. Hell, that was a bit extreme, even for me. Once they were done killin’ the Bad Jews, they could of at least let the Good Jews go Free! But just one small piece of Advice…
What’s that?
Go easy on them crappy Hollywood films, okay? All your doin’ is makin’ that Techno Wiz crap for kids! And go easy on that rap crap stuff, and that fucked up, out of key shit that tries to pass for white boy rock n roll these days. If you can do that, I’d be mighty obliged!
Hey! Okay! No sweat! I’ll see what I can do!
’Preciate it. I know you’ll do your best. Pass the Word. When you Jew Boys set your minds to sumthin’, you usually don’t leave any stones unturned.
Oh, and Jew Boy?
Yes?
MUZZLE TROUGH! And SHOW LONG, to ya! And have some of them YUMMY KIPPER fish, fried in bacon grease, for Christmas! And (wink-wink), don’t get too High on them thar Holy Days, cuz Pot ain’t too good for motivation, and the last thing we need is Unmotivated Jews! You got that, Jew Boy?
Yes, Sir!
Oh, and Jew boy?
Yes?
One more thing! I still love ya, even though ya did kill Jesus! There’s still hope for ya yet!
One day you may even start believing in the Real God, not that made up Jew God yer always prayin’ to! See, I believe in the Power of Prayer, so you don’t want to be wastin your Precious Prayer time on that Mohammed, or Yahweh dude, that’s just a dead end street! You see, the real God was this White Dude from Sweden, with blonde hair and blue eyes, not that kinky African shit.
Oh, I never really knew that! Thanks for setting me straight!
Now, them Jew Chicks are another story! A lot of them are not bad looking! I wouldn’t mind doing me a few of those! You know any good lookin’ Jew Chicks, huh, Jew Boy?
Maybe.
Can I still marry one, and have Hot Fornicator Sex, if don’t Convert? Or does that mean I’ll turn into an Infidel, and Burn in Hell?
Uh, I’m not sure.
Yeah, well, you let me know on that one! Maybe you could ask one of your Rabbit preachers!
Rabbit Preachers?
Yeah, you know, them Singing Rabbits in your Sin-o-Gods! You Jew People must feel awful guilty about something, naming your churches “Sin-o-Gods!”
That’s Synagogue! And it’s Rabbi Cantors!
Yeah, sure! Hey! I got me a lucky Rabbits foot I always carry around with me, and I was wondering…
What?
Well, it don’t sing or nothin’, but do ya think maybe it’s a Jewish Rabbit?
Signed,
Rabbi Faint Bernard, the non-denominational rabbit saint, which means we take dollars, yen, pounds, francs, you name it! And on a Bad Day, oi, we’ll even take German marks.
Top of the Mornin’ to Ya!
And a Fiddle-dee-dee on your roof top, as well!
Here, have a Bagel…and a little Schmeer! And be nice to your Motha! Where would you be, without “Huh”! (that’s New Yawk for “Her”). You’ll catch on.
* * *
At the New York Times Thought Control Department.
(Knock-knock.)
(A tiny little window in the door slides open, and an eyeball peeks out.)
Whaddaya want?
Can you Print this?
What, are you NUTS?
I’m just asking!
Get out of here! I got a newspaper to run! This ain’t news, this is Reality! We don’t Print Reality!
Why?
Do you think we’re CRAZY? We can’t print Reality, it’s TOO FUCKING REAL.
Why not?
How many times I gotta tell ya! We print news, not reality!
Now go away! You’re buggin’ me! I got work to do!
(Bam! Door slams. Sound of muffled voices, yelling.)
Print Reality! What flyin’ saucer is that guy on? I can’t fuckin’ believe that guy! Where do they get these people? My God, such a headache!
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved, including my right to wear a Yar-Mooka, whenever my head is Cold! And in Russia, that’s A LOT! Whoa! I gotta go, here comes my Flyin’ Saucer!
Hang on, I gotta adjust my E-Meter! WOW! I just got an Image of Tom Cruise, sitting on the can, taking a crap, staring at Heaven, and wearing a Sea Captains Hat! Is that a miracle, or what?
* * *
I knew a Banker on Wall Street that played the Hanukah.
What? You mean the Harmonica!
No, I mean the Hanukah!
This is a joke, right, well, it’s not Funny!
I’m telling you, he played the Hanukah! But he finally stopped playing.
Why?
Because every time he did, Wall Street would Burn Down, and we would all get the BLUES!
Ba-Dum-BUMP! Cymbal CRASH! Take my Life Savings, PLEASE!
Believe it or not, I just made this Joke up! At 3:15 PM, December 09, 2009!
Is this an Anti-Semen Joke, or what? You need a Kleenex for this one! This one’s all over the place!
* * *
Well, I think that’s a wrap!
Should we send this to the New Yawk Times?
No, they’ll never print it.
Why?
Not enough Guts. Appeasement is the name of the Game. They have too many people to Appease. No point in standing up to the New Financial Tyrant. You’ve heard of Ethnic Cleansing? Well, this is called, Ethnic Pleasing.
Let’s go for lunch! There’s a new place on Wall Street, very popular.
What’s it called?
The Financial Crematorium.
Sounds Good! Let’s Go!
They have this delightful crème based Mortgage tortilla wrap, and bloody Sub-Prime Ribs!
Hmmm! Delicious!
Those Wall Street Boys really know their way around a Cooked Set of Accounting Books!
I’ll say!
Did you hear from now on, Wall Street is going to be regulated by the New York City Fire Department?
No, I didn’t hear that!
Yeah, the Fire Department has a much faster Response Time! They actually recognize Financial Fire when they see it! And they don’t hire Blind Financial Fireman! And with NYFD, as opposed to Wall Street, the Incentive is to put the fire out, before it burns down The Economy, and not add more bodies, and gasoline, for an extra brighter, flaming Ass Bonus!
It sounds like an entirely different Philosophy!
Yeah, one is Short Term, the other is Long Term!
What’s weird is the short term philosophy fucks a lot more people, and benefit’s a lot fewer!
I gotta think about that, I never thought about that before!
* * *
I once knew a Jewish banker on Wall Street, who played the menorah in a band, during Hanukah!
Wait a minute! You mean he played the Harmonica, during Hanukah?
No, he played with the menorah, but then he stopped.
Why?
Because every time he lit the menorah, he set on fire Some More Wall Street Manure, and burned down the house, and gave everybody the Blues!
So no one wanted him in the Band anymore?
No. Needless to say, his Musical Career was very short lived!
Yeah, guys like that are always going up in a Chimney of Smoke.
Kinda like a Financial “Off Switch”?
Yeah, like that. “Arbeit Macht Fire”, or “Work sets you on Fire!”, or, “Work burns down Wall Street!”
You’d think people like that would learn, after all the Hollering, the Costs, people getting Burned, and their Life Savings turned into a pile of Ashes!
Yeah, but I think “Never Forget”, never really works on Wall Street.
Do ya think maybe it’s something Genetic?
I don’t know, let’s ask Einstein, he was smart.
Apparently those other guys don’t seem to know.
[Ka-chunk! Spotlight off. Stage dark.]
* * *
At the Museum of Historical Authenticity, Gallery of Financial Red Ink. If You Don’t Know Your History, You’re Doomed to Repeat It! Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, If you Invest with Wall Street, You Could Go Bust!
Note to Future Time Capsule Boy!
File this under “Hanukah, 2008-9”: The consecration of the “New Wailing Wall” of Greed, at the Temple of the Money Changers, on Wall Street, in New Jewruthlessem, New Yawk City, USA, Planet Earth, Ford Galaxy 500.
Definitions: “Arbeit Macht Frei”, “work makes you free”. Slogan in the Gate at Auschwitz Death Camp. The New Wall Street translation is, “Work sets us all on Fire!”
Wailing Wall, the Wall where prayers are said for Lost Souls. Whaling Wall, the wall where fat Wall Street Whales, say prayers for lost Gold, and stereotypes are set in Stone.
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all comen zee Back now! You hear, Jew Boy?
Vee haff new Innovative ways to make you Invest your Life Savings, Ja?
It’s just a short train ride away! Trust me!
Vee wouldn’t lie to You, would we?
Look, I give you a really good price on GOLD, or anything else you got!
Come On! Whatdaya say? It’s a Good Deal!
Come on Down! To Morty’s Finance Camp Bazaar!
You’ll “NEVER FORGET” the Place! I Guarantee it!
You’ll derive so much satisfaction from the place, you’ll never forget the word DERIVATIVE again!
* * *
By Y’all! I gotta go drive around the block in my Racistmobile!
Ver-room! Ver-ROOM!
Rumble-Bumble-Mumble!
You wanna go for a Ride, in my Big Black Car?
I have a tiny little, pink cigar!
Put your lips right there, and suck on it! Now don’t that Taste Good? Hmmm!
Now that’s what I call drivin down the river, and deriving the maximum river, of derivative Satisfaction!
Don’t you agree, Cornfish?
If you keep suckin on dat, maybe my No Good, Dog gone Account will start Growing Again! Yass, Suh!
* * *
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The "Health Care Deficit" is Republican "Code" to Whites! Saying "Higher Taxes Will Give FREE Health Care to NIGGERS, and Cost You Your Job!
There is one thing you learn when you move South, to one of the poorest counties in Florida, and start rubbing shoulders with the local blue collar dumb guy.
First of all, it’s not the LAND WHERE RACISM NO LONGER EXISTS. Not by a long shot.
Second, the poor white guys have had a long time for their resentment to simmer. The attitude still is, “Gubmint takes your Tax Dollars, gives them to The Niggers, so they can live for FREE!”
In “right to work for nothing” states, where businesses squeeze workers for every last ounce of sweat, you can imagine why a poor white guy on a low Republican Wage would resent seeing Niggers live for free, paid for with his tax dollars!
The Democrats started this with the Cadillac Welfare Queen, when their Compassion got the best of them, and they erred on the side of wanting to help out in the Ghetto, but not exactly knowing how.
Republicans, erring in return, spout “Tax Cuts will Fix Everything, including Aids, my little dick, and the lack of Jobs.” Meanwhile, both parties have shipped the Blue Collar Dumb Guy jobs to China, and Mexico.
(With a tax cut, an insecure Republican male can buy a big SUV, or down here, a LOUD pickup Truck, and make his little dick seem bigger. Women also think a Tax Cut makes a guy’s dick look bigger! With women, the more money you give them, the more they “LOVE” you! I think it’s because they are very Emotional, and Sensitive, and the Caretakers of the Relationship!)
Dems helped create the now well known “Culture of Welfare Dependence” in the ghetto, and Welfare Reform is one of the very few times that Republicans had it right. VERY FEW.
Usually, Extremist Republicans are on the wrong side of History. They have just about Resisted every new improvement in Human Progress that has come down the pike, always claiming the Improvement will make things worse. (Name ’em CornSprout! I dare ya! Just name One! Ya can’t, can ya, because all the improvements did make things worse!)
Usually the Improvement made things better for Most People, but made the Rich just a tiny bit less Rich.
But back to Southern, Blue Collar Dumb Guy Racism, and why the GOP is pounding away on the “Deficit Boogey Man Theme”.
The GOP is saying to the hard core, blue collar, Bitter Enders of America, “this health care bill will increase the Deficit, causing the Gubmint to Raise Taxes to pay for the Deficit, you will have Less Money in your pocket, the hated Niggers will get Health Care for Free, your Health Care will get worse, and then as a final Insult, businesses will have to lay you off because of the higher taxes on them, so you will LOSE your Job, THE NIGGERS will get FREE HEALTH CARE, and you will be Unemployed!” Got it?
In short, “if you vote for this health care bill, your Taxes will go way Up, you’ll Lose your Job, and, drum roll please, THE NIGGERS will go to the Doctor for FREE!”
That’s NuRepublican NuSpeak! See? It’s Easy as 1, 2, 3!
And you, my scraggly-toothed, Southern, Blue Collar Dumb Guy, will have to pull out your last tobacco stained brown tooth, with a pair of pliers, and perform heart surgery on your Granny, with a plastic hanger from Walmart! The wire kind, with the rubber sleeve, I find, is most pliable, and if washed, can be re-used!
Signed,
Faint (I Done Gots Me The Vapors) Bernard!
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights, and tights, RESERVED!
If a guy in a pickup truck wore Tights, would it make his balls look Bigger? Maybe if he stuffed his jock with wads of Money? Wrapped his Cock with dollar Bills? Offered to buy the girl a House with all the dollars in his jock? Maybe if he say’s, “I don’t have much money, AND I got a little dick”, women will Love him Even More?
You never know what women think!
Or do ya?
One, two, three, four…
First of all, it’s not the LAND WHERE RACISM NO LONGER EXISTS. Not by a long shot.
Second, the poor white guys have had a long time for their resentment to simmer. The attitude still is, “Gubmint takes your Tax Dollars, gives them to The Niggers, so they can live for FREE!”
In “right to work for nothing” states, where businesses squeeze workers for every last ounce of sweat, you can imagine why a poor white guy on a low Republican Wage would resent seeing Niggers live for free, paid for with his tax dollars!
The Democrats started this with the Cadillac Welfare Queen, when their Compassion got the best of them, and they erred on the side of wanting to help out in the Ghetto, but not exactly knowing how.
Republicans, erring in return, spout “Tax Cuts will Fix Everything, including Aids, my little dick, and the lack of Jobs.” Meanwhile, both parties have shipped the Blue Collar Dumb Guy jobs to China, and Mexico.
(With a tax cut, an insecure Republican male can buy a big SUV, or down here, a LOUD pickup Truck, and make his little dick seem bigger. Women also think a Tax Cut makes a guy’s dick look bigger! With women, the more money you give them, the more they “LOVE” you! I think it’s because they are very Emotional, and Sensitive, and the Caretakers of the Relationship!)
Dems helped create the now well known “Culture of Welfare Dependence” in the ghetto, and Welfare Reform is one of the very few times that Republicans had it right. VERY FEW.
Usually, Extremist Republicans are on the wrong side of History. They have just about Resisted every new improvement in Human Progress that has come down the pike, always claiming the Improvement will make things worse. (Name ’em CornSprout! I dare ya! Just name One! Ya can’t, can ya, because all the improvements did make things worse!)
Usually the Improvement made things better for Most People, but made the Rich just a tiny bit less Rich.
But back to Southern, Blue Collar Dumb Guy Racism, and why the GOP is pounding away on the “Deficit Boogey Man Theme”.
The GOP is saying to the hard core, blue collar, Bitter Enders of America, “this health care bill will increase the Deficit, causing the Gubmint to Raise Taxes to pay for the Deficit, you will have Less Money in your pocket, the hated Niggers will get Health Care for Free, your Health Care will get worse, and then as a final Insult, businesses will have to lay you off because of the higher taxes on them, so you will LOSE your Job, THE NIGGERS will get FREE HEALTH CARE, and you will be Unemployed!” Got it?
In short, “if you vote for this health care bill, your Taxes will go way Up, you’ll Lose your Job, and, drum roll please, THE NIGGERS will go to the Doctor for FREE!”
That’s NuRepublican NuSpeak! See? It’s Easy as 1, 2, 3!
And you, my scraggly-toothed, Southern, Blue Collar Dumb Guy, will have to pull out your last tobacco stained brown tooth, with a pair of pliers, and perform heart surgery on your Granny, with a plastic hanger from Walmart! The wire kind, with the rubber sleeve, I find, is most pliable, and if washed, can be re-used!
Signed,
Faint (I Done Gots Me The Vapors) Bernard!
Copyright © 2009 by Bernard Drums! All rights, and tights, RESERVED!
If a guy in a pickup truck wore Tights, would it make his balls look Bigger? Maybe if he stuffed his jock with wads of Money? Wrapped his Cock with dollar Bills? Offered to buy the girl a House with all the dollars in his jock? Maybe if he say’s, “I don’t have much money, AND I got a little dick”, women will Love him Even More?
You never know what women think!
Or do ya?
One, two, three, four…
Racism: "Oh Romeo! What False Notes Doth a Biased Sample Bring! Be Careful Who You Amply Pundit! You May Say, That Sample is Not What I Wanted!"
I just watched The McNeil Lehrer Hour with Gwen "Eyefull" (She my meaty sweety! She Hot! She give good "Host"! Yum-yum!) on September 16, 2009.
Horrors! Old news? Maybe not! Downloading this column was delayed by other previous downloads, that I moved to the top of my priority list. Hang on, I better go to the men’s room, I feel another download coming on.
The panel discussed ex-President Carter’s claim that White Racism influenced the South Carolina Congressman, who yelled “Liar, liar, pants on Fire”, during President Omama’s Speech to Congress. Plus they tackled the Question, "Is racism behind a lot of right wing Angerrrrr. Grrr!"
Gwen's panel of upper middle class, bonk tank/ivory tower academics (Hey, who else ya' gonna call?) from leafy, Volvo Brand suburbs, and Hip Islands of Metro-Sexuality, all wearing rather Unique Outfits befitting their station in life, confidently "Winged It", and pronounced their Carefully Considered Judgement, some with casual ease, some while staring furiously into the camera, while others prudently, and delicately, navigated their course, with Princetonly Precision.
The Conclusion?
Racism no longer exists! Because...drum roll...we have come a long way Baby!
Halleleujah! Raise Mr. Linkum from the Dead! We're all E-Man-Zip-Pated Now!
No mo' Zip Coon, no mo darky town, for white folk to worry bout now! We have all been de-racified! (Except me...I dee Only one Lef!)
So, Mr. Market Research Man, is dee Glass half full, or half empty? What's it gonna be? Dis here White Boy want to know!
Eyes don't know, Cornwheat, but I sure is thirsty, and I dooz needs me a Drink! Preferably a big Stiff one, to hep me sees things better, and kill the pains! Cuz I think I just seen me a Ghost! A White Southern Racist Ghost! In a sheet! Ridin’ by on a horse! Or maybe it was a pickup truck with a loud muffler! I can’t believe how loud that Southern Style NoMuffler be!
I'll say! You look white as a Ghost! I think you better sit down!
Say, do yooz got any Moonshine, or Tequila, in dat der Meltin' Pot Research Bin? Dat hep out fo' a little while! Dem Gubmint Revenooers keep tryin' to tell me what to think, or drink! Yep! They done told me I can't be a Racist no more! Sheet! Damn! Don't that beat all!
Hell, where's my NASCAR Rebel Flag Hat? I think I'll go hide under that! And then nobody’ll know where I am!
* * *
Who Ya Gonna Call, Ghostbusters? How to Catch White Southern Racists, Using Just a TV Set! Point That Satellite Dish That Way, Earl, That'll Catch Him! Now All We Gotta Do is Broadcast Raw Lies, for Bait! We’ll Out FOX Him, and Catch Him for Sure! All We Need is a NETWORK, of FOX Traps!
Once upon a time, way back in the day, there was a famous "Fo-Pah" (faux pas, that’s Frenchie, for social mistake) committed by Political Pollsters.
They called a large number of people on the telephone, and asked them what Presidential Candidate they were going to vote for in the National Election. The Democrat, or the Republican?
The problem was, at that time in U.S. history, very few people had a telephone. I know that's hard to believe with most people today walking around with a telephone strapped to their penis, asking mom what to buy for dinner at the supermarket. Alot of expensive minutes for, "Mom, should we have chicken nuggets, or fish nuggets?"
At that time, the only people who could afford a telephone were usually well off Republicans, and they were naturally going to vote for the Republican candidate.
Very few Democrats were called. Why? Because they couldn't afford a telephone, silly!
I can tell your Clever Brain knows where this is going!
One big newspaper jumped the gun before the presidential election results were all in, and rushed out its morning paper, with the front page headline, "Republican Dewey wins over Democrat Truman!" But when morning arrived and all the poll results were counted, it was the Democrat, Truman, that actually won.
There's a famous picture of President Truman holding up that paper that morning, with the mistake headline, and smiling!
Ghostbuster 101. Stat!
The lesson is, if your sample "universe" population does not fairly represent the Larger Universe Population you are trying to understand, your poll results will not be a true picture of the Real World. If you want to sample the water quality in a pond, you can't just dip your cup in the cleanest, or dirtiest sections of the pond, or only ask the fish with cell phones.
You can’t just ask rich Republicans with home phones in 1948. And you can’t just ask wild Volvo drivin, East Coast, well-off, Big City/Leafy Suburban Northerners, with pricey whoop-tee-do fancy pants Edgeytated Calledge Decrees, from lily white Kawlidg Campusisis, if Racism still Exists in 2009. Got it, Gumbo Head?
You have to ask STUPID PEOPLE!
Hey, Goober! What do you think about them Niggers?
Like that!
It’s like when there’s a real complicated Global, Political, Financial Sitchee-ayshun, and the price of Earl, I mean Oil, is skyrocketin, and them ace TV Reporters go down to the local gas station and stick the microphone into the mouth of the dumbest guy they can find waiting to get gas, and ask him what he done think of the current GeoPolitical Sitchee-ayshun!
That way, they get the considered opinion of a guy that never studied Nothin, and is plum near dumb as a Box o Rocks! It’s like the Snow Ruler Technique! Only you’re measuring the amazing Brilliance of the Dumbest Common Man! The guy who really should be running the country! Right?
Don't they teach this stuff at journalism school? Or is statistics just too hard and boring for today's average blond bimbo TV "reporter"? Are anchor babe statistics, 34-26-34, the only statistics needed for TV news anymore, that, and the Patented FoxBrand of Statistical Lies?
Is there someway we can make this GeoPolitical Stuff into a Sports Show, with runs, and hits, and chewin, and spittin, and crotch scratchin? You know, put it all on a higher elevated plain, so we can say things like “Well, spurts is lak a Metaphor for Life!”
Gwen, I’m going to have to Spank You, for this Minor and forgivable Statistical Sample Error, but I can assure you, I will enjoy it! You’ve been a Bad Girl! Now Bend over and take your Medicine! Whack! Oh, Bernardy! Whack!
I Promise! I’ll never again ask an upper middle class pundit, if Racism isn’t still RIGHT around the bend!
Whack!
Oh, Harder!
I’ve been a BAD Talk Show Host!
* * *
Y'All Come Down Now! Yoo Hear?
So Y'all come South, to a Po' Southern State of Mind, to a Po County, and get yourseff Settled, and Reframed, in a Southern Fried Tar Baby Trailer Shack, and den you be askin' if Racism be Daid an Gone. Yas, Suh!
An don't ferget to bring some Rope!
An don't you be livin' in no fancy pants, high falutin', puttin' on airs section of Town either, wid a Big Gate, and a Seecuritee Gard too! You gotta get your ass down to the Walmart Zone, shopping at Walmart, workin' at Walmart, and basically livin' a WallyWorld Life Style, the "New Theme Park", cuz dat all you can Afford on your 9 dollah an hour!
Nine dollah being what Republican Roman Senators consider “high livin” wages, and what Small Bidnessmen consider “excessive, and unaffordable Costs”! And what Capitalists consider "A Free Lunch or Handout for the Worker"! Or what comfortable ivory tower Econo-Mists call, “wage levels causing a drag on dee Economy, and slowin’ down Growth in Profits!”
And crank that Country up on the Radio Station, cuz its way better than that rap crap, or that weak sister white boy rock that passes for rock these days. And when the Ghetto Boy, with his Malnourished Potato Chip Diet Mind, his Boom Boom Car, and his golden bejeweled teeth, drives by sayin' "Look at me! Look at me! I Be a Man!", you can listen to his radio too, cuz you sure as hell won’t have any choice! Ahh, such sweet Black Man's Revenge!
Then go rent yourseff an apartment in a low price bracket, again cuz it's all you can afford. then get youseff a white trash chick, with an eager hungry pussy, and a butterfly tattoo just above her ass crack, so you know she's the Genuine Underclass Brand, and your Lizard Brain can see it jigglin' every time you bang her doggie style, and you can bond more "deeply" with her, and then start rubbin' shoulders with your new redneck neighbors, and soak up sum o dat Po white Southern Redneck LifeStyle! Warning! A beer and a cigarette is Mandatory!
And get yourseff a ladder, so you can climb into a jacked up Monster pickup truck, some earplugs to wear cuz the truck ain't got no muffler, (the louder the muffler, and higher the truck, the shorter the Southerner, and the tinier his penis, and the smaller and meaner his mind), and start wearin' a required NASCAR "I'm a Blue Collar Dumb Guy" Baseball Cap, with a red southern flag logo, and wear at LEAST one piece of camouflage clothing, and then start eatin' lotsa chili beans, cuz it's the New Meat, and the only thing anybody can afford in this New Republican Economy!
And once you've gotten "Into the Mind" of the Po White Southern Trashman, and bounced around into whatever Mental Activity is actually in there, other than just raw Lizard Nerve Endings, then you can go askin', "Where dat Racism Now? Here Brer Rabbit! Here Little Tarbaby! Here Uncle Remus! Where you at, Little Black Sambo??"
Until then, that segment of your McNeil Lehrer talk show, entitled "Where Racism Be?", is more like a Situation Comedy episode, than a Reality Show.
Racisms still here. It just hidin’ in the bushes. Or the George Bushes.
You just gotta put some amber colored Shootin’ Glasses on, and let loose your Pig Hunting Pit Bulls, so you ken sees what you're lookin for, a leetle more Clearly.
You hear me…Boy?
The Underground Racist Rail Road: Run Out of Town, On a Politically Correct Rail! For Real Southern Hospitality, Just Ask Real Polite!
Racism…Where did it go?
Yoo-Hoo! Where you Hidin’ at? You little Rascal you!
Marco! Polo! Ollie Ollie Oxen free! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Dat wascally wittle Wabbit, Ol’Mr. Racism, he be Hidin’ Out, deep in dee Briar Patch!
Where you be, Mr. Racism?
The Thought Police, just chased him…Underground!
He gone underground...like a FOX!
He in a Nationwide NETWORK of FOX holes! Which is a lot like a series of large and interconnected Sewer Pipes! All hooked up to one large Corporate Brick Shit House, and to the Ass Hole of the mentally damaged Owner!
Yep! Them Hound dogs just chased Mr.Racism down the well!
Ol’ Mr. Racism, he’s like the ground water under your feet. You can't see it, but he's still there.
Stealth Racism. Flying low under the radar. Or sittin' right in front of your eyes, layin’ on your feet, just like Ol’Yeller, but with a very low Radar Profile. Woof!
You just gotta dig deep enough, sniff hard enough, to get at this Contaminated Well Water.
You gotta get way down, to the bottom, of the Well.
Yes, Sir! Racist water runs deep, the Bucket's heavy, and the Rope's not weak.
Hey Mr. Redneck! Is You a Racist? This City Slicker Jew Boy Reporter from New York City Wants to Know!
Hell…I ain't no Racist! You're the racist!
Hey City boy, I'll race you to the next stoplight, in my Nascar baseball cap! (Vroom! Vroom! Rumble-rumble-rumble.)
Ahh, come on, Mr. Redneck, are you a Racist, or aren’t you? My Research Department really wants to know!
Please, Mr. Southern Redneck! Please tell me! What do you think of Black People?
(Pause)
Earl, you're from the South, will you ask him for me? Maybe he’ll talk to you.
(Earl spits out his chaw, adjusts his Valvoline cap, and commences to speak.)
Okay, now, off the record, just between you and me, tell me what you really think of THE NIGGERS. Now, don't hold anything back! Cuz y'all know I'm SYMPATHETIC!
Just tell me what you think of them COONS!
You know, the Jungle Bunnies, them Tree Apes they call people!
Do you hate 'em as much as I do?
(Pause)
And while you're at it, tell me what you think of “our” New, inexperienced Jungle Bunny President. He's some kind of fancified Nigger A-rab! What exactly is he any way, a monkey, chimp, or what? I know he's one of them rag head, Muslim Terrorist Sand Niggers! He didn't even put his hand over his heart when he said the pledge of Allegiance! I saw it on the Internet!
So, you can tell Me what you think of Black People. Cuz I feel the same way as you do. I ain't no East Coast, Liberal Queer, City Slicker, Fuckhead Dick, like that Dude over there is.
I'm just like you.
Now, you got yer pencil ready, City Slicker Jew Boy? Cuz you might wanna rat this down, you hear?
I’m ready!
Okay then! Let her rip!
Ver-ROOM! Ver-ROOM!
Rumble-Rumble-Rumble.
Can you please repeat that? I couldn’t quite make out the words! Something about a Nigger?
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Grand Wizard of the Wascally Wittle Wabbits!
And fo dee Ladies! Presente...El Grande Lizard! The Biggest, Thickest, Longest Lizard, in the WORLD!
Copyright © 2009, by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
“You don't miss the racism...until the well runs dry.” -Bernard Drums!
Dats dee Lesson fo’ today! Now, climb back in your tree, and eat your Banana, you Dumb White little Evolution Ape! (Ooh-ooh!) You’re a Good White Monkey, aren’t you! Yes you are! You’re so Smart! SMART MONKEY! Now put your Rebel Hat on! You’re the smartest monkey in the whole wide jungle! Yes you are! Good Boy! (Ooh-ooh-ooh!)
Bam-Bam-Bam! "Hey, This is Old Man Racism! Let me out of this COFFIN! I ain't Done with them Niggers Yet!" Bam-Bam-Bam! "Let ME OUT!"
"Oh shit! Is that water leakin' into my coffin?"
"Huh! That ground water tastes pretty Good! A little Bitter, but not bad! And I was just startin' to build me a Powerful Thirst, down here!"
"I knew you wouldn't forget me!"
"Y'all come back now, and Visit me, and stay a while, you hear, Boy?"
"Don't be a stranger! Havin' some Company is Nice!"
"We can set on the Porch, and talk about how Fucked Up the Niggers are!"
"And have a cup of Old South Race Bourbon, mixed with bitter branch water!
"And don't ferget to wear your Nascar hat! You look real smart in that cap! Like a real SWAMP FOX, with pointy wabbit ears! There, you're comin' in nice and clear now! The Picture couldn't get any better! Now that's what I call High Definition!"
At the Journalism School, the TV Station, and the “News” Paper.
"And now Students, today we are going to learn about Surface Reporting, Surface Logic, Image Association, and Fox Traps, the four most important parts of your "Propaganda Journalism" Education"!
"How well you do on these, will determine your Fate, the Nation's Fate, and our Profit Statement, I might add."
"If you play your Political Cards Right, and want to work for a Giant Corporation, or the Republican Party, other wise known as, THE DEVIL, THE EVIL EMPIRE, or SATAN'S DISCIPLES, you could go to New York City, or Washington, D.C., and make a Nice Comfortable Living, sheltered from it all, as a “Reporter”, or a “Pundidiot.”
Any Questions? (Long Pause.) I didn't think so.
It’s best just to keep your mouth shut.
You get along easier that way.
Now, bend over, cuz I’m just gonna ease this in. You won’t notice a thing. Just a little mild, temporary discomfort. Trust me, you’ll get used to it after a while, and you won’t even know it’s there.
There, that feels really good for me! How about you?”
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now, you hear!
Horrors! Old news? Maybe not! Downloading this column was delayed by other previous downloads, that I moved to the top of my priority list. Hang on, I better go to the men’s room, I feel another download coming on.
The panel discussed ex-President Carter’s claim that White Racism influenced the South Carolina Congressman, who yelled “Liar, liar, pants on Fire”, during President Omama’s Speech to Congress. Plus they tackled the Question, "Is racism behind a lot of right wing Angerrrrr. Grrr!"
Gwen's panel of upper middle class, bonk tank/ivory tower academics (Hey, who else ya' gonna call?) from leafy, Volvo Brand suburbs, and Hip Islands of Metro-Sexuality, all wearing rather Unique Outfits befitting their station in life, confidently "Winged It", and pronounced their Carefully Considered Judgement, some with casual ease, some while staring furiously into the camera, while others prudently, and delicately, navigated their course, with Princetonly Precision.
The Conclusion?
Racism no longer exists! Because...drum roll...we have come a long way Baby!
Halleleujah! Raise Mr. Linkum from the Dead! We're all E-Man-Zip-Pated Now!
No mo' Zip Coon, no mo darky town, for white folk to worry bout now! We have all been de-racified! (Except me...I dee Only one Lef!)
So, Mr. Market Research Man, is dee Glass half full, or half empty? What's it gonna be? Dis here White Boy want to know!
Eyes don't know, Cornwheat, but I sure is thirsty, and I dooz needs me a Drink! Preferably a big Stiff one, to hep me sees things better, and kill the pains! Cuz I think I just seen me a Ghost! A White Southern Racist Ghost! In a sheet! Ridin’ by on a horse! Or maybe it was a pickup truck with a loud muffler! I can’t believe how loud that Southern Style NoMuffler be!
I'll say! You look white as a Ghost! I think you better sit down!
Say, do yooz got any Moonshine, or Tequila, in dat der Meltin' Pot Research Bin? Dat hep out fo' a little while! Dem Gubmint Revenooers keep tryin' to tell me what to think, or drink! Yep! They done told me I can't be a Racist no more! Sheet! Damn! Don't that beat all!
Hell, where's my NASCAR Rebel Flag Hat? I think I'll go hide under that! And then nobody’ll know where I am!
* * *
Who Ya Gonna Call, Ghostbusters? How to Catch White Southern Racists, Using Just a TV Set! Point That Satellite Dish That Way, Earl, That'll Catch Him! Now All We Gotta Do is Broadcast Raw Lies, for Bait! We’ll Out FOX Him, and Catch Him for Sure! All We Need is a NETWORK, of FOX Traps!
Once upon a time, way back in the day, there was a famous "Fo-Pah" (faux pas, that’s Frenchie, for social mistake) committed by Political Pollsters.
They called a large number of people on the telephone, and asked them what Presidential Candidate they were going to vote for in the National Election. The Democrat, or the Republican?
The problem was, at that time in U.S. history, very few people had a telephone. I know that's hard to believe with most people today walking around with a telephone strapped to their penis, asking mom what to buy for dinner at the supermarket. Alot of expensive minutes for, "Mom, should we have chicken nuggets, or fish nuggets?"
At that time, the only people who could afford a telephone were usually well off Republicans, and they were naturally going to vote for the Republican candidate.
Very few Democrats were called. Why? Because they couldn't afford a telephone, silly!
I can tell your Clever Brain knows where this is going!
One big newspaper jumped the gun before the presidential election results were all in, and rushed out its morning paper, with the front page headline, "Republican Dewey wins over Democrat Truman!" But when morning arrived and all the poll results were counted, it was the Democrat, Truman, that actually won.
There's a famous picture of President Truman holding up that paper that morning, with the mistake headline, and smiling!
Ghostbuster 101. Stat!
The lesson is, if your sample "universe" population does not fairly represent the Larger Universe Population you are trying to understand, your poll results will not be a true picture of the Real World. If you want to sample the water quality in a pond, you can't just dip your cup in the cleanest, or dirtiest sections of the pond, or only ask the fish with cell phones.
You can’t just ask rich Republicans with home phones in 1948. And you can’t just ask wild Volvo drivin, East Coast, well-off, Big City/Leafy Suburban Northerners, with pricey whoop-tee-do fancy pants Edgeytated Calledge Decrees, from lily white Kawlidg Campusisis, if Racism still Exists in 2009. Got it, Gumbo Head?
You have to ask STUPID PEOPLE!
Hey, Goober! What do you think about them Niggers?
Like that!
It’s like when there’s a real complicated Global, Political, Financial Sitchee-ayshun, and the price of Earl, I mean Oil, is skyrocketin, and them ace TV Reporters go down to the local gas station and stick the microphone into the mouth of the dumbest guy they can find waiting to get gas, and ask him what he done think of the current GeoPolitical Sitchee-ayshun!
That way, they get the considered opinion of a guy that never studied Nothin, and is plum near dumb as a Box o Rocks! It’s like the Snow Ruler Technique! Only you’re measuring the amazing Brilliance of the Dumbest Common Man! The guy who really should be running the country! Right?
Don't they teach this stuff at journalism school? Or is statistics just too hard and boring for today's average blond bimbo TV "reporter"? Are anchor babe statistics, 34-26-34, the only statistics needed for TV news anymore, that, and the Patented FoxBrand of Statistical Lies?
Is there someway we can make this GeoPolitical Stuff into a Sports Show, with runs, and hits, and chewin, and spittin, and crotch scratchin? You know, put it all on a higher elevated plain, so we can say things like “Well, spurts is lak a Metaphor for Life!”
Gwen, I’m going to have to Spank You, for this Minor and forgivable Statistical Sample Error, but I can assure you, I will enjoy it! You’ve been a Bad Girl! Now Bend over and take your Medicine! Whack! Oh, Bernardy! Whack!
I Promise! I’ll never again ask an upper middle class pundit, if Racism isn’t still RIGHT around the bend!
Whack!
Oh, Harder!
I’ve been a BAD Talk Show Host!
* * *
Y'All Come Down Now! Yoo Hear?
So Y'all come South, to a Po' Southern State of Mind, to a Po County, and get yourseff Settled, and Reframed, in a Southern Fried Tar Baby Trailer Shack, and den you be askin' if Racism be Daid an Gone. Yas, Suh!
An don't ferget to bring some Rope!
An don't you be livin' in no fancy pants, high falutin', puttin' on airs section of Town either, wid a Big Gate, and a Seecuritee Gard too! You gotta get your ass down to the Walmart Zone, shopping at Walmart, workin' at Walmart, and basically livin' a WallyWorld Life Style, the "New Theme Park", cuz dat all you can Afford on your 9 dollah an hour!
Nine dollah being what Republican Roman Senators consider “high livin” wages, and what Small Bidnessmen consider “excessive, and unaffordable Costs”! And what Capitalists consider "A Free Lunch or Handout for the Worker"! Or what comfortable ivory tower Econo-Mists call, “wage levels causing a drag on dee Economy, and slowin’ down Growth in Profits!”
And crank that Country up on the Radio Station, cuz its way better than that rap crap, or that weak sister white boy rock that passes for rock these days. And when the Ghetto Boy, with his Malnourished Potato Chip Diet Mind, his Boom Boom Car, and his golden bejeweled teeth, drives by sayin' "Look at me! Look at me! I Be a Man!", you can listen to his radio too, cuz you sure as hell won’t have any choice! Ahh, such sweet Black Man's Revenge!
Then go rent yourseff an apartment in a low price bracket, again cuz it's all you can afford. then get youseff a white trash chick, with an eager hungry pussy, and a butterfly tattoo just above her ass crack, so you know she's the Genuine Underclass Brand, and your Lizard Brain can see it jigglin' every time you bang her doggie style, and you can bond more "deeply" with her, and then start rubbin' shoulders with your new redneck neighbors, and soak up sum o dat Po white Southern Redneck LifeStyle! Warning! A beer and a cigarette is Mandatory!
And get yourseff a ladder, so you can climb into a jacked up Monster pickup truck, some earplugs to wear cuz the truck ain't got no muffler, (the louder the muffler, and higher the truck, the shorter the Southerner, and the tinier his penis, and the smaller and meaner his mind), and start wearin' a required NASCAR "I'm a Blue Collar Dumb Guy" Baseball Cap, with a red southern flag logo, and wear at LEAST one piece of camouflage clothing, and then start eatin' lotsa chili beans, cuz it's the New Meat, and the only thing anybody can afford in this New Republican Economy!
And once you've gotten "Into the Mind" of the Po White Southern Trashman, and bounced around into whatever Mental Activity is actually in there, other than just raw Lizard Nerve Endings, then you can go askin', "Where dat Racism Now? Here Brer Rabbit! Here Little Tarbaby! Here Uncle Remus! Where you at, Little Black Sambo??"
Until then, that segment of your McNeil Lehrer talk show, entitled "Where Racism Be?", is more like a Situation Comedy episode, than a Reality Show.
Racisms still here. It just hidin’ in the bushes. Or the George Bushes.
You just gotta put some amber colored Shootin’ Glasses on, and let loose your Pig Hunting Pit Bulls, so you ken sees what you're lookin for, a leetle more Clearly.
You hear me…Boy?
The Underground Racist Rail Road: Run Out of Town, On a Politically Correct Rail! For Real Southern Hospitality, Just Ask Real Polite!
Racism…Where did it go?
Yoo-Hoo! Where you Hidin’ at? You little Rascal you!
Marco! Polo! Ollie Ollie Oxen free! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Dat wascally wittle Wabbit, Ol’Mr. Racism, he be Hidin’ Out, deep in dee Briar Patch!
Where you be, Mr. Racism?
The Thought Police, just chased him…Underground!
He gone underground...like a FOX!
He in a Nationwide NETWORK of FOX holes! Which is a lot like a series of large and interconnected Sewer Pipes! All hooked up to one large Corporate Brick Shit House, and to the Ass Hole of the mentally damaged Owner!
Yep! Them Hound dogs just chased Mr.Racism down the well!
Ol’ Mr. Racism, he’s like the ground water under your feet. You can't see it, but he's still there.
Stealth Racism. Flying low under the radar. Or sittin' right in front of your eyes, layin’ on your feet, just like Ol’Yeller, but with a very low Radar Profile. Woof!
You just gotta dig deep enough, sniff hard enough, to get at this Contaminated Well Water.
You gotta get way down, to the bottom, of the Well.
Yes, Sir! Racist water runs deep, the Bucket's heavy, and the Rope's not weak.
Hey Mr. Redneck! Is You a Racist? This City Slicker Jew Boy Reporter from New York City Wants to Know!
Hell…I ain't no Racist! You're the racist!
Hey City boy, I'll race you to the next stoplight, in my Nascar baseball cap! (Vroom! Vroom! Rumble-rumble-rumble.)
Ahh, come on, Mr. Redneck, are you a Racist, or aren’t you? My Research Department really wants to know!
Please, Mr. Southern Redneck! Please tell me! What do you think of Black People?
(Pause)
Earl, you're from the South, will you ask him for me? Maybe he’ll talk to you.
(Earl spits out his chaw, adjusts his Valvoline cap, and commences to speak.)
Okay, now, off the record, just between you and me, tell me what you really think of THE NIGGERS. Now, don't hold anything back! Cuz y'all know I'm SYMPATHETIC!
Just tell me what you think of them COONS!
You know, the Jungle Bunnies, them Tree Apes they call people!
Do you hate 'em as much as I do?
(Pause)
And while you're at it, tell me what you think of “our” New, inexperienced Jungle Bunny President. He's some kind of fancified Nigger A-rab! What exactly is he any way, a monkey, chimp, or what? I know he's one of them rag head, Muslim Terrorist Sand Niggers! He didn't even put his hand over his heart when he said the pledge of Allegiance! I saw it on the Internet!
So, you can tell Me what you think of Black People. Cuz I feel the same way as you do. I ain't no East Coast, Liberal Queer, City Slicker, Fuckhead Dick, like that Dude over there is.
I'm just like you.
Now, you got yer pencil ready, City Slicker Jew Boy? Cuz you might wanna rat this down, you hear?
I’m ready!
Okay then! Let her rip!
Ver-ROOM! Ver-ROOM!
Rumble-Rumble-Rumble.
Can you please repeat that? I couldn’t quite make out the words! Something about a Nigger?
Signed,
Faint Bernard
Grand Wizard of the Wascally Wittle Wabbits!
And fo dee Ladies! Presente...El Grande Lizard! The Biggest, Thickest, Longest Lizard, in the WORLD!
Copyright © 2009, by Bernard Drums! All rights reserved.
“You don't miss the racism...until the well runs dry.” -Bernard Drums!
Dats dee Lesson fo’ today! Now, climb back in your tree, and eat your Banana, you Dumb White little Evolution Ape! (Ooh-ooh!) You’re a Good White Monkey, aren’t you! Yes you are! You’re so Smart! SMART MONKEY! Now put your Rebel Hat on! You’re the smartest monkey in the whole wide jungle! Yes you are! Good Boy! (Ooh-ooh-ooh!)
Bam-Bam-Bam! "Hey, This is Old Man Racism! Let me out of this COFFIN! I ain't Done with them Niggers Yet!" Bam-Bam-Bam! "Let ME OUT!"
"Oh shit! Is that water leakin' into my coffin?"
"Huh! That ground water tastes pretty Good! A little Bitter, but not bad! And I was just startin' to build me a Powerful Thirst, down here!"
"I knew you wouldn't forget me!"
"Y'all come back now, and Visit me, and stay a while, you hear, Boy?"
"Don't be a stranger! Havin' some Company is Nice!"
"We can set on the Porch, and talk about how Fucked Up the Niggers are!"
"And have a cup of Old South Race Bourbon, mixed with bitter branch water!
"And don't ferget to wear your Nascar hat! You look real smart in that cap! Like a real SWAMP FOX, with pointy wabbit ears! There, you're comin' in nice and clear now! The Picture couldn't get any better! Now that's what I call High Definition!"
At the Journalism School, the TV Station, and the “News” Paper.
"And now Students, today we are going to learn about Surface Reporting, Surface Logic, Image Association, and Fox Traps, the four most important parts of your "Propaganda Journalism" Education"!
"How well you do on these, will determine your Fate, the Nation's Fate, and our Profit Statement, I might add."
"If you play your Political Cards Right, and want to work for a Giant Corporation, or the Republican Party, other wise known as, THE DEVIL, THE EVIL EMPIRE, or SATAN'S DISCIPLES, you could go to New York City, or Washington, D.C., and make a Nice Comfortable Living, sheltered from it all, as a “Reporter”, or a “Pundidiot.”
Any Questions? (Long Pause.) I didn't think so.
It’s best just to keep your mouth shut.
You get along easier that way.
Now, bend over, cuz I’m just gonna ease this in. You won’t notice a thing. Just a little mild, temporary discomfort. Trust me, you’ll get used to it after a while, and you won’t even know it’s there.
There, that feels really good for me! How about you?”
* * *
www.CultureDrums.BlogSpot.com
Y’all come back now, you hear!
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